"Not Making It Worse Counts As A Win!"

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Call 866-WIN-ASIA or to see chickens and other animals to donate, go to crittercampaign.org. Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio. I am Peter Rosenberg and this is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver.

I'm drawing on now my 35th year of experience to help bring some insights I've learned along the way, most of it the hard way. I've got the scars to prove it and the gray hair to prove it. Gray. What am I saying gray? It's already white.

It is arctic blonde. We're glad you're with us. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. How are you feeling today? How are you doing? We're going into the Christmas season. We've got turmoil around our country.

We've got all kinds of craziness going on around the world and the coronavirus and everything else. And on top of that, you're a caregiver. So how are you doing? That's the question we ask for every caregiver that calls in and we want to know how you are feeling and let's talk about that.

888-589-8840. This show is exclusively for the caregiver. If you're not a caregiver, you're going to get something out of it. But we're here for the caregiver. We have identified this massive population that's at risk and they need to be able to have a place where they can express how they're feeling with it and understand what's going on with them in the context of the word of God.

That's why this show is so important because we bring a biblical focus to this. We're unlike any other show and I'm thankful that American Family Radio has seen the value for this and we are grateful to be able to have the opportunity to talk to you. Caregivers struggle with isolation. It's one of the toughest issues that caregivers struggle with.

And through this network and all of our affiliates with the Truth Network and His Radio and some of these other affiliates that have joined along with the show, there's over 200 stations that are carrying the show. We're penetrating into that isolation and bringing tangible ways to help you stay strong and healthy as a caregiver. All right, our topic today, I think it's a tip of the season for us as caregivers and then I'm going to give you a trivia question to back this up.

All right, so pay attention here. A topic today is, here's the tip, if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. If you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. Now those of you who've been doing this a long time understand that in the context of what we're talking about as caregivers. And you go into the Christmas season and it can get a little bit gnarly. There's a lot of stress anyway. The days are shorter, the nights are longer. There's all kinds of drama that goes on.

We're in kind of the Bermuda Triangle of holidays for caregivers. So if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. All right, now let me give you a trivia question and a scripture to kind of back that up and show somebody who made it worse. All right. Do you remember in 1 Samuel 31, Saul went out to fight the Philistines. He was the king and his sons, Jonathan, Abinadab, Abinadab, I can't even say that right, Abinadab and Mount Yeshua, they went out there with him. They were all killed. His sons were all killed. And Saul was badly wounded, badly wounded. And he looked at his armor-bearer and he says, draw your sword and thrust me through with it, lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through and mistreat me.

But his armor-bearer wouldn't do it, for he feared greatly. Therefore Saul took his own sword and fell upon it. Saul killed himself.

Now, basically, and it goes through what happened following that. And then we go into 2 Samuel. And now this is where David rises to the throne here. But at the beginning of 2 Samuel, David is at his camp and here comes this guy. And he gives a report that David is, I mean, that Saul has been killed and Jonathan and his brothers were killed. And then David said to this young man, well, how do you know this?

And the young man told him, he says, by chance, I happened to be on Mount Gilboa and there was Saul leaning on a spear and behold, the chariots and the horsemen were come upon him. And when he looked behind him, he saw me and he called to me and I answered, here I am. And he said to me, who are you? And the guy told him who he was. And he said to him, stand beside me and kill me, for my anguish has seized me and my life yet still lingers. And so I stood beside him and I killed him because I was sure that he could not live after he had fallen.

And I took the crown that was on his head and the armlet that was on his arm and I brought it to you, my Lord. Now that's what this guy told David. Now he's thinking that David is going to reward him because he knew that Saul didn't like David. And he's thinking he's got something going here and David just was in anguish, just tore his clothes and had this guy killed. He said, what made you think that you could touch the Lord's anointed? Now the guy didn't kill Saul. He lied about it. He took a bad situation and he made it worse.

And David had him killed. Now my trivia question is, do you know what nationality this guy was? All right. Now that's a little hard. It's a little obscure. Some of you are probably going to Google it, but do you know it?

888-589-8840. If you know what nationality that guy was, and I may even just give the winner of this trivia question a copy of my CD Songs for the Caregiver. It's a calming CD. It's got a lot of great hymns on it. Gracie sings about half of it. A lot of it's just instrumental. I met the piano playing on some things that I think were meaningful to you.

And if you know it, I may give that out today. I'm not promising. We'll see how well you know the answer. But I wanted you to see if you knew who this guy was. And here's a situation where this guy saw an opportunity.

The king was dead and he thought he's going to go in there and get into the good graces of the next king. He took a bad situation and he made it worse. Now how many of you all as a caregiver have been in that situation where it's going bad and then you make it worse? And oftentimes it's because we open our mouths.

You know, you don't often have to make amends for something you didn't say. But when you take a bad situation that's going down a bad path and you make it worse, that's where it becomes even increasingly harder for us as caregivers. And I am guilty of that.

You know, we're tired, we're stressed out, and then we just lose our cookies. And we ended up saying things or I'll end up saying things or doing things that I just deeply regret. I took a bad situation and made it worse. But if you don't make it worse, do you count that as a win? And I'm saying to you that, yeah, you can.

That's a win. It doesn't have to be better for it to be a win for you. It can be not worse. I know that may sound a little bit different, but I really would like for you to think about that a little bit as a caregiver. Some of the situations we live with are not going to get better, but they don't have to get worse, certainly by something that we do. We can't control what's going on with our loved one. We can't control the vast amount of things going on. Really, the only thing we can control are our thoughts, our words, and our deeds. So are your thoughts, are your words, are your deeds making a situation worse?

If they're not making it worse, take a moment to just say, give yourself an attaboy or attagirl. Way to go. You're not making it worse. That counts as a win. And right now, we as caregivers could use a few wins, couldn't we? You're doing something extraordinary. You're volunteering every single day, whether you're doing it remotely, whether you're doing it financially, whether you're doing it physically or all the above.

You're there doing something every single day to advance the ball of caring for this loved one. And it's costing you on every level. And if you don't make it worse, that's a win. That's a win.

Do you feel that way? 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. If you know the nationality of that guy who ended up saying that he killed Saul, he really didn't, but he said he did just to get into good graces with David. And he took a bad situation and he made it worse.

And David said, dude, it's on your head because you said it. How about that? 888-589-8840.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. How are you feeling?

How are you doing? We'll be right back. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.

I am Peter Rosenberger. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. We're glad you're with us. That's my wife, Gracie, from her CD Resilient. You can get a copy of that at Hopeforthecaregiver.com. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. If you want to be a part of what we're doing here on this show, we'll send you a copy of that CD.

She does a great job. All right. We've got a trivia question here. And the tip of the day, the tip of the season is if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. And we're talking about a situation where a guy in Scripture made it worse.

In baseball, it would be called an unforced error. He took advantage of a situation. He saw that King Saul killed himself and he wanted to get in good graces with David. He knew David was going to be the king. And so he went and took some trophies from that.

And Saul had been fighting the Philistines. And he went to David and he said, hey, I killed him. He asked me to kill him. I knew he wasn't going to survive, so I went in and killed him. Well, David just said, I mean, he went ballistic with it. And he said, it's on your head. You said it. And he had that guy killed.

And what was the nationality of that guy? And I've got a lot of people want to answer. A lot of them are saying that they're not caregivers, but they want to answer it.

So we're going to test their knowledge on Scripture here. Let's go with Johnny in Pennsylvania. All right, Johnny, good morning. How are you feeling? I'm doing great.

Thank you. How are you? Well, you know, I think I'm doing okay. And I did a mental inventory.

Most of me is here. All right, so what nationality was this guy? Well, I'm at it.

I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure nationality or tribe, but he's from the Haggai. Well, a little bit more specific. Scripture refers to him and he identifies himself as a? I know he's I know he's a Haggai, a Haggai. He's from the tribe of Haggai.

And which was the nation of? I don't know, one second. No, no, we're not going to Google it while you're driving. No, I'm not going to. I know it.

Ismore. You're close. You're close. You're really close. I'm too hard. I think I'm being I'm not being you. You get you're getting very specific on the king's name of from the old days. And there is a tie on to that.

But but but this guy identified himself as an? A for mine. No, but I do appreciate you call and check on that. Let me let me go to Linda in Texas. Linda. Linda says she knows this. Linda, what do you think?

I don't think I can pronounce it. But right now, since I'm not a caregiver, wouldn't it be better for me to wait and let somebody else answer this? It says you were a caregiver for a short while, for maybe a year and a half. And it's so hard to talk about it because he was just my best friend, nothing intimate, just best friend in the Lord that I. And now his family, we did everything together with his family. Now they won't even talk to me. They're blaming me for its death. And I'm still having a hard time to get over that. It's only been about a year and about a year or so since he passed.

And they want to talk to me before we get into the trivia question here. What did he die of cancer? And they're blaming you for cancer. Yes, because he wouldn't go the chemical route with the chemo and the radiation. He went the holistic route. And yeah, so they're saying it's my fault that I had to have been the one that talked him into it.

But they're not. OK, they're saying it's your fault for not getting the treatment that they felt like you needed to have. OK. And was he was he in any way delusional or feeble of mind? Well, he was starting, in my opinion, no one noticed it but me, of course, he was starting to get Alzheimer's. So he wasn't doing everything holistically that he was supposed to be doing. When he made the decision to go holistically, was he starting to get Alzheimer's? Yes, sir. Yes, but by the time they found out... Wait a minute.

Hold on a second. When he made the decision to go holistically, was his mind slipping? Oh, I think he was fine. I do. Yes, sir. He had not been diagnosed with any kind of dementia of any kind? No, sir. And like I say, no one else.

All right. Well, then then you can tell his family that he was a grown man who made his own grown man decisions. And if he was not in his right mind, they may have a conversation with you and say, hey, you took somebody who wasn't in his right mind, but if he was not suffering from dementia, you can look at the family and say he was a grown man who made his own grown man decisions.

Is that an accurate statement? Yes, sir. Well, then be at peace with that and let the family stew in their own mess. If you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. Remember, that's our tip.

So you don't have to go in there and get into a big fight with these people. You just don't make it worse. Sometimes you bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. You ever heard that before? No, because that's not very enjoyable.

No, but it's better than having to go back and make amends. Now, let's talk about this trivia. You think you got the answer? Yes, sir, I do.

All right, give it to me. What did he identify himself as? He was a, I can pronounce it, something like Amalekite. It's Amalekite. Amalekite, Amalekite, A-M-A-L-E-K-I-T-E, Amalekite.

Right, but it's pronounced with an M and you leave off the A? No, it's Amalekite. Amalekite. Oh, okay, so I'm saying Am-Lekite, but you're saying Am- David said to him, who are you?

And the guy answered, I am an Amalekite. And he was at the trial, that did come from AGAG, and Johnny from Pennsylvania was right, it did come from AGAG, but now here's the bonus question. Who was charged with killing AGAG and didn't do it?

Do you know that one? Who was charged, what? Who was supposed- I'm talking about King Saul? Yeah, who was supposed to kill AGAG, who was, you know, the Amalekites, and he didn't do it. Well, it wasn't- okay, what was his name?

Ah, for some reason I remember all these kite names, I can't remember anything besides that. Well, we'll keep going on, and maybe somebody knows that one, 888-589-8840, he made a bad situation worse, and it came back to haunt Israel for many, many years. Now, but here's my last word to you.

Again, the character tip of the season is, if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. If the family doesn't want to talk to you, then you know what, don't talk to them. You just keep your side of the street clean, how about that? Yes, sir, I have, and I've been praying for them, and some people said they'll come around. Well, if they do, they do.

If they don't, they don't. But, you know, if he was not of any kind of mental impairment when he made this decision, he made a grown man decision, okay? And he knew- this is- how old was he? Well, he was getting on up there. He was at least 75 by that time. He was older than me. Well, we just got a guy that may be elected president that's 78.

I don't know how feeble his mind is, but the point is, is that if you could run for president at 78 years old, you could certainly make your own decisions about cancer if you have no diagnosis of mental impairment. So you just let the family be, don't make it worse. Let sleeping dogs live with that family. You go on and live your life and give them some space, how about that? Yes, sir, yeah, I'm trying to do that and let the Lord- I just feel kind of guilty. I don't know why, but I, you know, yeah, I'm just really hurt.

We had Thanksgiving, Christmas, we did all kinds of things with the family together. And then all of a sudden I lose him and them at the same time. It was just really hard. Well, I understand that- Sorry for myself.

Well, I understand that, but there are other relationships out there you can build and build them on a better situation than what you had with this family now. But, you know, they're going to blame somebody, they might as well blame you, but, you know, unless you talk this guy into doing it, I wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying about it. Okay. I'm just a holistic doctor that I took him to. Well, you know, again, let them blame the holistic doctor. Give them the doctor's name and let them blame the holistic doctor. How about that?

Man, you go and live your life. I pray for your people that call in all the time, sir, and for you. I listen to you almost on a daily basis, you know, every week and everything.

My radio's going all the time, 24-7. Well, I appreciate that very much. And you can also get the podcast. We put our podcast out there for free.

It's at HopeForTheCaregiver.com. You can see more about that. And we've got almost 500 episodes of things. And I'll put out bonus stuff. I'm going to put out another song from Gracie that's a bonus thing for the podcast.

I'll put that out next week that I think you guys will like. And so just go out and take a look at it. It's free. And I appreciate you calling, Linda, and you behave yourself and Merry Christmas. Same to you, sir. And Happy New Year and Happy Hanukkah, which starts with this.

Yes, it does. And thank you for saying that. All right, John in North Dakota. John, how are you feeling? Hey, how are you doing?

I'm all right this morning. Now, you're a caregiver to your wife. What's going on with that?

Yes. Well, you know, she's gone through a lot of stuff when she was younger and with her previous marriage. You know, she's an amazing woman.

You know, we both love the Lord. What is she suffering from? Well, she was she like I said, as a child, I know she didn't have a she didn't know who her father was. And she was her mother was addicted to drugs and and she was molested from her family.

I think it was her uncle is what she was saying. No, she don't talk about it a whole lot just because it brings up a lot of a trigger. How have you how have you been a caregiver for other than just being a husband to her?

Which is no small task. I mean, you're dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, but does she specifically need caregiving? Well, she does. She did suffer a neck injury.

We constantly got to take trips to the doctor in the hospital because now she has five herniated discs in her neck because her husband broke a chair over her head. So she was that would do it. Yeah.

Well, listen, we're going to the break here. Can you very quickly tell me what was the name? Who was supposed to kill that guy? I don't know the name, but it was the armor bearer. No, no. Who was supposed to kill the egg?

The leader of the Malachi who was supposed to kill him and he didn't do it. All right. We got to go to a break. This is Peter Rosenberg. This is Hope for the caregiver.

We'll be right back. Hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. I'm testing your knowledge today on your Old Testament knowledge of Israel's ancient enemies. And this young guy, I don't know if he's a young guy, but this guy happened upon the battlefield and saw Saul or heard that Saul was dead. And he decided he's going to make an opportunity of this thing. And he went to David and said, hey, I killed him. He was already mortally wounded. He wasn't going to survive. And he asked me to kill him.

So I did it. Now, Saul did ask his armor bearer to do it. His armor bearer wouldn't do it. But this guy said he did it, but he didn't do it because Saul went ahead and fell on his own sword and killed himself. But he wanted to get some kind of payback from David. And he got payback, but just not the kind he wanted because David was incensed with it and he had him killed for touching the Lord's anointed. And the guy identified himself as an Amalekite. Now, somebody was supposed to go out and kill Agag, the king of the Amalekites, and wipe them all out. And who didn't do it?

I went for the bonus question on that one. And all these have a reason. We're doing this for a reason here. It takes a bad situation and makes it worse. And us as caregivers, if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win. Don't make it worse.

Sometimes it's just bad. We don't have to get involved or we don't have to say anything to exacerbate it and then put all the attention on us. We had a caller just a little bit ago called in and she was blamed by the family for convincing this guy to go into a holistic treatment for cancer instead of going through radiation or chemo like the family wanted to. This guy made his own situation, but evidently she became injected in the story as the blame for it.

Back away. Let him make his own grown man decision. If he's not feeble-minded, then he can make his own grown man decisions. I'm a big fan of letting people make their own decisions and dealing with it.

So I that that's my tip for us as caregivers for me, too. If it's bad, don't make it worse. Don't make it worse. That counts as a win. OK, we can't always fix everything.

We can't make everything right, but we don't have to make it more wrong. That's a better way to live for us as caregivers. Dawn in Arkansas has been on the phone for a while. Dawn, how are you feeling? Well, I'd say I'm doing pretty good and had a good night's sleep and that's always helpful. That is always helpful. And thank you for taking my call. You're quite welcome. Thanks for listening.

What's on your mind? Well, I'll tell you, as soon as you ask that question, I knew the answer because I did a big study on the spirit of the Amalekite. Saul was supposed to wipe out the Amalekite.

He didn't do it. And Agag was the only one left. And so the question is, OK, if he was the last of the Amalekite, where did Haman come from? And a Jewish legend has it that Agag raped the Jewish girl who served him his last meal. And she carried on the Amalekite personage. And the characteristic of Amalekite is they murder, they hate Jews, and they have sex before they are killed. Go back even further and you'll find that way back when the Israelites were trying to go into Kinger. And by the way, God has a long memory, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. Last one had the Amalekite spirit was Adolf Hitler.

Well, I'll let you and other folks sort that out. My point was today is to say here's a guy that made this worse. He took credit for something he didn't do to try to get something. It was a horrible situation and he made it worse. And Saul took a situation where he was supposed to wipe him out. That's a bad situation, but he made it worse by not following what God did.

And Samuel at that point has laid the law down to Saul that this is going to cost your kingdom. You've got a son with cerebral palsy, I understand. Yes, sir. How are you doing with all this? Well, I'd say probably doing pretty good. We have some help with him during the day. He has skilled nursing at night. And in a couple of days, we will celebrate his 28th birthday. 28th. Now, does he live at home with you? That is correct.

All right. How functional is he? Is he able to get out? He's not functional at all. Yeah, he's like 100% disabled, doesn't talk. He has a trach and he's on a vent at night. And during the day, we have human needs support professionals come in to help us take care of him.

And they're few and far between because I guess that's not lucrative employment. How's your wife doing? I think she's holding up pretty good. And I try to tell her, you know, do not feel guilty. You have the greatest excuse for not getting things done. Well, does she feel guilty? At times, yeah. About what? Well, I guess not taking good enough care of our son. And she has won several patient advocate awards.

And I would say that she's doing an outstanding job. Where are those awards? Excuse me? Where are the awards? Right above the computer in our living room. Do you have a track light that spotlights on it?

Not yet. Can't afford that. How about every time she feels guilty, you just shine a light right on that award?

Okay, I'll do that. And you let her know that, you know what, she is doing something extraordinary. Oh, yeah. And guilt is one of the hardest things that we deal with as caregivers. It's part of the fear, obligation and guilt. I call it the fog of caregivers.

And, you know, we caregivers judge ourselves without mercy on our performance. I want you to tell her this, okay? Then I'm going to put this out on the podcast and you listen to her. So tell me her name. Jeannie. Jeannie. All right, Jeannie, this is just for you.

We caregivers judge ourselves without mercy on our job performance. Okay? And I get that. So I'm going to ask you to be fair. If you're going to judge yourself on your job performance, I want you to also judge yourself on your attendance record. Now, what's your attendance record, Jeannie? And I'm going to guess that it's 100 percent because you're still doing it. So you have an attendance record of 100 percent of an impossible situation. If you're going to judge yourself on your performance record, I ask you just be fair and look at your attendance record.

You keep showing up and that's worth something and that means something and that says something of you. You're not going to get it right. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to make a lot of mistakes, but you keep showing up. Okay? That's the deal.

And so take a deep breath and look at all those awards that you've gotten. And Don says he's going to get track lighting and put it all in there and spotlight it right over the mantle. Right, Don?

Well, I didn't say I'd do that immediately. That's a great Christmas gift. Hey, Don, I'm just giving Christmas ideas right now. Jeannie, don't listen to this part in case Don does this for Christmas, but that's a great Christmas gift to let her know that, okay?

Okay, will do. And keep affirming to her that, you know, she keeps showing up. It's extraordinary. My brother and sister-in-law have a child.

She's 32 and she's pretty much the same way as your son. Yeah. And they are extraordinary.

I've got my dear first cousin and her husband have a daughter, very similar situation. You know what? They keep showing up. And they would echo the same thing to you and Jeannie. Yeah.

They keep showing up. I like Charles Spurgeon's sermon illustration. Perseverance, the only way the snail made it to the ark. Well, that's a good one right there. That is a good one. Well, Don, thank you so very much for the call on this. I tell you what, you know what, Don, since you had the back history of all that and you tied it into Haman, I'm going to send you a copy of my CD. How about that? I'm going to let you be the one that gets that. Okay.

Because nobody else tied that into Haman and that was actually for the bonus round of the bonus round. And so hang tight on that and we're going to get your information. I'm going to put you on hold and we'll get your information, all right? Bob in Oklahoma. Bob, how are you feeling?

Bob, you with us? Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to dig you out of my pocket. Well, that's the first time I've heard that one. But that's all right. How are you feeling, Bob?

I just made a grocery run to Wal-Mart and I had put my cell phone in my pocket so I could start carrying stuff in. I didn't know you could get to me so quick. Well, it's – How I'm doing, I guess I'm doing better than I deserve, huh?

Well, I don't know. You saved that for Dave Ramsey's show. You're a caregiver to your wife. What's going on with her? She has COPD and I want to shout out to everybody that smokes, please stop right now.

You don't know how bad you're hurting yourself. She smoked for many, many, many, many years and she's reaping the quote-unquote benefits of it and it's just – they prescribed her. For a while they put her on steroids and apparently it caused her cortisol output to stop or slow down drastically. And now she has problems with her cortisol.

It's just been a snowball and it's just gotten worse and worse. Well, now, what's an average day with you like on this as her caregiver? Well, I get up and I work at home, but anyway, I try to get her stuff to eat and try and get her – I mean, if there's anything she needs, she spends a good portion of the time in bed because she just doesn't have any energy. She just can't hardly get up and move. I try to do – So, are you doing all the housework, the cooking and the laundry and everything else? Well, I will give her credit. I mean, when she feels good, she gets up and she does something too. I mean, she doesn't want to – she doesn't want me to have to do everything or anything like that, and I certainly don't.

I mean, she does quite a bit considering her health and how she feels, but it is – it's just trying on both of us. I mean, we – and with this COVID junk, we can't go visit kids or anything like that. No. Well, hang on. We're going to go to a break. Just hang on through the break if you don't mind. This is Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger. We're dealing with – the topic today is kind of a caregiver tip of the season is if you don't make it worse, that counts as a win.

That counts as a win. All right, 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. We'll be right back. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie, and I am standing with hope. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. How are you feeling? How are you holding up? How are you doing?

888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. We're talking with Bob in Oklahoma. He's taking care of his wife. She has COPD. She smoked and has limited abilities.

She tries to do the best she can with what she has. Bob, let me ask you this. If there's one issue that kind of nags at your heart, what would it be?

Um, God. I guess, uh, well, I, I, I guess, uh, I am, I guess, um, angry with her because, uh, because, uh, she would not, she would not quit smoking. And I mean, I used to smoke myself many years ago, but, uh, I quit. I've been smoking, gosh, 20 years or more.

But anyway, uh, I, I tried to encourage her to smoke, to, to not smoke and, uh, and trying to do everything I could and she never would quit. And, and, um, I'm angry with her, um, because, um, she's, she's cheated, cheated herself and us and her family, uh, out of a lot of good times, out of a big portion of life. And, and I hate to say that, but it's, no, there's no wrong answer here. This is how you feel. This is how you feel. It's, it's however ugly it may look or, or whatever. And, uh, it is the, it is what it is. So what do you do with that anger, Bob? Uh, I probably more than anything, just stuff it and go on.

I mean, there is what it is. How's that working for you? Oh, sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Do you ever talk to somebody about it?

Probably not, not to this extent, I guess. Well, and sometimes it just takes, you know, it takes one caregiver to another just to ask, you know, maybe the question in a way that's going to make sense to you. I mean, I speak fluent caregiver, so I get it. Anger is, is a part of what we live with. Um, and it, and it stems from a lot of hurt. It stems from, uh, when, when a wound is angry, uh, it's red and it's an inflamed, but, but at the core of it, it's still a wound. It's, it's something that hurts.

This hurts you. And because you hurt, you're angry. When you get fearful, we get angry. This is one of our, our go-to defense mechanisms.

We get angry because it makes us feel a little bit more powerful. And it feels, um, you feel pretty powerless when you're dealing with a situation, particularly when someone did something self-inflicted. And I have found that most of our challenges that we live with are self-inflicted on some level.

Our sin is self-inflicted. And so it, but it's something that needs to be addressed honestly with, with maybe a trained professional. Bob, have you considered maybe just sitting down with somebody who's, who's got some good sense about him, been around the block a bit? Maybe it's a professional counselor, maybe it's a wise pastor, but somebody that you could trust to go and just, you know, kind of let them hold your hair while you puke a bit.

I know that sounds graphic, but that's kind of what has to happen. I don't know how much hair you got to hold, but, uh, but you got, uh, you know, some, somebody that can look, look at it, splattered all over the table and not be freaked out about it and give you some good insights. You obviously have some understanding of scripture, but sometimes it takes somebody to walk through it that can see it from a little different viewpoint.

And that might be a good Christmas present to give to yourself and to your wife is for you to go to someone else, a trained professional of some kind, and maybe sit down and have a conversation about your anger and how you can better process that out and work that through, particularly in the context of scripture and the grace of Christ. Is that, is that valuable? Yeah, that is valuable. I will, I will think about that. I will consider, uh, consider that. And, and I want to thank you. Uh, I have never heard your programs. First time I ever listened to it, but, uh, uh, I keyed in on the caregiver part. Uh, well, this is interesting. I mean, I listened to AFR all the time, uh, but I had never heard your program and, uh, it's, I guess God put me here, uh, had me to turn the radio on this morning and listen to you. And I appreciate it. Well, I am very grateful that you did.

And this is why we did the show because you never know who's listening. You never know who's out there caregivers by just, you know, as a, as a rule are usually often overlooked. And we, if, if you were the first person, if you were the first caregiver that's ever stuffed your anger, I would be concerned Bob, but you're not, you're not the first person has done this. You're not the first caregiver that's done this. You're not the first caregiving husband. I am the crash test dummy of caregivers, Bob.

If you could fail, if you could fail at it, I failed at it. Okay. And, um, you know, but it's not healthy for you to do this healthy caregivers, better caregivers.

And part of being healthy is let's, let's deal with this. Okay. So start with your pastor. Maybe he can recommend somebody that you can talk to. That would be a person, not somebody right out of school.

I mean, somebody that's been around the block a little bit. Okay. And, um, and sit down with it. Maybe there's a support group that you can go and just listen to how other people have done it.

There are a lot of 12 step kind of groups out there for people who live with people with afflictions and you learn what you can and cannot control. Your wife made her own grown woman decisions that you can be bitter at her, mad at her, or you can learn to make peace with the fact that this is her decision. And you're going to do the best you can to, uh, to live a life of healthiness in the midst of it and reflect the grace of Christ that is extended to you as you make your own self-inflicted decisions. Right. And that's, that's kind of the way we have to look at it. I think for us to be able to navigate this a little bit more peacefully, but give it a shot and might be a great Christmas present to give to yourself.

I've got to try to zip through a lot of the phones as best as I can. And, uh, but Bob, I thank you for listening. Hope you'll keep listening. Well, thank you very much and Merry Christmas. All right.

Don't, don't put the phone back in your pocket and lose it. Okay. All right. All right, buddy.

I'll see you. Thank you. Sheila in South Dakota. Sheila, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling good. Thank you. Well, what can I, what can I talk about with you this morning? Well, I just wanted to call and, and tell you, I just happened to catch your program and, um, my husband passed five years ago and I was a caregiver for like seven years.

And, um, we pretty much lived at the Mayo Clinic all that time. Um, but I wish I would have known of your program then. Listening to the, to you this morning, um, it, it, uh, arouses a lot of feelings from before and, and, uh, I'm just glad you're there for the people now that are going to need you. And I just wanted to tell you that. Well, thank you very much. I, you know, I started this program out to, to give a place for caregivers to, to hear something in their own language in a way they could understand.

It's going to tug at your ear because I'm speaking a language that you as a caregiver know, and I'm just very grateful that, um, that AFR decided to put this on and you can thank the guy that is engineering the show today. He is the program director for the whole network and he saw value in this. Uh, his name is Jim Stanley and he saw value in what we're doing. And he's the guy that answered your phone or, or his wife did. And, and, um, he saw value in this and that there's a great, um, population of people who are floundering and they're so busy sometimes getting their loved one to Jesus.

They don't recognize they need Jesus just as much. Oh God. And, um, and that, that's our journey.

Yeah, no, it was a week before my husband passed. Um, he accepted the Lord. So, amen to that. So what do you do today?

That's been five years. I'm wandering. No, I'm a farmer. And what do you farm? What are you growing? Oh, we, we farm, uh, crops, small, small grain. I figured it was crops. I was hoping it wasn't marijuana, but I figured it was crops. No, I don't know what's going to happen there.

No, we have, we do corn, beans, barley, alfalfa, wheat. And, uh, and you're running this with whom? By yourself or what? No, no, I have two sons.

Two sons. And I, I'm pretty much, I mean, I'm the gopher now. Well, that's okay. I love farmers. I grew up in a rural community in South Carolina and now I live way out in an even more rural community in Montana. And I don't think we do enough in our country for our farmers because, you know, uh, eating is, from last I heard, eating is important.

And, uh, I'm grateful for what you do. Do you enjoy just getting out in the farm and doing stuff? Do you have some livestock as well or is it just crops? We, we used to have about 500 head of cattle and then after my husband passed, we got rid of them. Um, so we don't have any cattle right now.

I have horses and, um, you know, they're kind of my hobby. Um, so yeah, there's, you know, but with the COVID now, you can't go anywhere. Um, as you know, South Dakota is a hot spot. So, um, yeah.

But you know what? I don't think you could transfer it to a horse. And I think that, uh, or vice versa. And, um, when I feed the horses in the winter out here in Montana, and we're going to start doing that probably next week, we've got an Arctic blast.

I think it's going to come in. And I was talking to a local- Oh, so you have horses yourself? Well, they're my brother-in-laws and I feed them during the wintertime. Um, and, um, and I, cause we live out here full time. I was talking to a local rancher down the road and she said, you know, I love to feed the cattle and the horses because they're always excited to see me. And it's always nice to have somebody who's excited to see me. So, uh, go out there and love up on the horses today.

Uh, Churchill used to say, there's something about the outside of a horse that's good for the inside of a man or a woman. Yes. Yes. And, uh, you would concur with that, wouldn't you? You bet.

I sure would. Sheila, I'm glad you found the show. I hope you'll keep, you'll keep listening and I hope you'll stay with us. We got to go. We're at the end of the show, but thank you so much for taking the time. This is Hope For The Caregiver. HopeForTheCaregiver.com. We'll see you next week. Thanks so much.