Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver bringing you 30 years of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. How are you feeling Will? How are you feeling right now? How are you feeling target?
Because it depends on the individual, depends on what's going on, depends on how dangerous some things are for them, how incapacitated they become or not. Does she see her doctor regularly? Yes.
Okay. What's the doctor saying? It's just an ongoing, like, one of the bigger things she has is neuropathy. What is the doctor saying?
I've not gotten a recent update. Okay. Start with your physician and see what's going on and then have a conversation with your mother. Is your mother cognitively impaired in any way?
No, not that I'm aware of. Okay. You know, age is no cure for these things. Age is only going to make it worse.
So you know it's not going to get better on its own. So you need to set up some things, some checkpoints of, okay, what do we do if this situation happens and so forth. Just be observant.
Just watch and observe. Look for ways to make it a little bit easier for her to be independent while she's where she is. And technology is a great source for that. There's medical alert stuff that you can have.
There's all kinds of apps on your phone that you can get. I mean, they've got all kinds of tech right now for those kinds of things so that you can supplement observing and caring for your mother without invading your privacy. And at the same time, ensuring that she has, you know, a pair of eyes on her, even if they're a pair of artificial eyes through technology. Have you made sure that she has good handrails within the place she's living?
Are there throw rugs that could be a trip or fall hazard? Does she have good lighting in her home? She does have a good handrail in her bathroom.
Okay. What about the rest of the place? She doesn't have any handrails. Is there stairs in the rest of her home? No, it's a one floor thing. What about throw rugs?
I think it's primarily just one big wall to wall carpet. What about lighting? Got good lighting in the house so she can see clearly?
Yeah. There are things you can do just to ensure that she's safe and well cared for. What about have you looked through the pantry and through the refrigerator to make sure things aren't getting older? Like, you know, the expiration dates on canned goods and things such as that. Just little things that you can do.
Just kind of do a circle around it. Just check it in and make sure everything's okay. It's just maintenance.
Is the water heater working okay? You know, all those kinds of things are things that you can do that doesn't require a lot of angst on your part that you don't have to wring your hand over and sweat bullets over. It's just maintenance of things.
Air conditioning unit. All those kinds of things. You know that she doesn't have all kinds of apps or bills that are piling up that nobody knows about. Little charges on her phone bill or little charges here and there. Stuff like that.
You know, those are simple things we can do that have a huge impact. And in the process is, are you going to church? Are you engaged with people who have, you know, are dealing with these kinds of things? Who's speaking life to you? I come across a few fraternity brothers that are looking after their wives.
They have, like, their wives, for example, have some health issues where they're the primary caretaker for their wives because they've undergone some kind of either back surgery or something like that. All right. But who's speaking life to you? I don't think I'm really getting that particular feeling of is when my mom, if my mom will pass away, most likely before me, but never know.
You can't count on it. I understand that, Will. Let me cut through all this, Will. Hang on just a second.
Let me cut through all this because I got other calls I want to try to squeeze into before the break. Do you want to take care of your mom? I'm not sure if I can.
I didn't ask you if you can. Do you want to? It's not necessarily my top 10 priority list, but I want to help her. I'm not sure what to do.
I'm kind of like... I'm not asking what to do. I'm not asking how to do it. I'm asking do you want to do it?
I want to make sure she's looked after. Yeah, you're not answering my question, Will. Will, do you want to take care? Well, I'm at a point where I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what... Are you resentful for having to do it?
I'm looking to see what resources there are to do what can be done because I do know I have personal responsibilities of my own bills and I... I can only do what I can do. I'm an only child. I don't have other brothers and sisters to say, hey, help out with mom.
Are you resentful for the position that you're in and caring for your mother? It's a straight up question. Yes or no?
I'm not sure. I guess I'm numb to the whole idea. It's just an overwhelming concept.
It is indeed. I don't know where to start from. It's kind of like if someone puts a dump truck of dirt in your living room and you are handed a spoon and say, okay, now get rid of it. You're like, what? All right. Well, let's start with that. Let's start with that place, Will, because I think that you are looking at this with an incredulity at this dump truck full of dirt. And you're thinking this is all up to you to somehow figure this out. And I could just hear it in your voice. You're looking for ways to get this off of you.
This isn't going to be off of you. This is your life. This is your mother. This is where we are and we're going to have to face it square up. But that doesn't mean you have to be miserable and that doesn't mean you have to be overwhelmed and that doesn't mean you have to freak out. It just means that, okay, this is the way it is. And you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept that this is where it is. That's your starting point is accepting this is reality and this is really happening. And you really can do this and you really can have meaningful times with your mother through this process.
And this is what it means. If it was easy, if it was easy, God wouldn't put it in the Ten Commandments to say, honor your mother and father. OK, if it was easy, you know, you wouldn't be calling into a show struggling with it. It's not easy, but it is doable and you can be strong. You're not going to feel better about it, but I'm not here to help you feel better about it. I'm not going to feel better about it. Taking care of a wife, missing both legs and in pain all the time.
And having surgery after surgery, after surgery, after surgery. But we can be better and it will. We can be better in it.
That's the starting point. And right now there's a resentment factor going on with you. I'm not beating you for it. I'm the crash test dummy of caregivers. Will, if you could fail at it, I failed at it.
But I recognize it when I hear it. And so what I'm hoping I can do is walk you back a little bit. Let's get you to a place of safety where you could breathe and say, OK, I'm struggling with this. Where are the resources? What do I got to do?
What's the next step for me? Will, go get my book. It's called Hope for the Caregiver. It's an audio book. It's a digital book.
It's a print book. Get it, read it. And then when you're done with that, get seven caregiver land mines. Listen to this show. We're going to walk you through it. OK, it's not complex, but it is challenging. You tracking with me? So check out your book, Hope for the Caregiver.
Hope for the caregiver. Get it today. Don't wait. Just get it today. Start reading.
It's an easy read. And don't try to overthink this thing. Don't look at the mound of dirt. Just be in the moment today.
Do what you can today. Because right now, if you're so filled with resentment or obligation, all these kinds of stuff that you deal with caregivers get lost in what I call the fog of caregivers, fear, obligation and guilt. And right now it sounds like you are in the obligation mode, which would lead to resentment very quickly. And you're kind of in that place. Here's how you know that obligation is is burdening you down. It's I got to a must. I have to. I should be.
All that kind of stuff. That's where you are. And we're going to get you back to stewardship, which is different. Stewardship means that you don't own this. This is you are you are assigned this by God.
But he's going to equip you to do this. And you could do this. Jesus took care of his mother from the cross.
I think you could do this. He delegated it to John. But he was still concerned about her. And he had a path for her while he was taking care of his wounded bride from the cross. And it's OK to delegate certain things.
That's OK. If Jesus can do it, I can do it. But that doesn't mean he didn't fulfill responsibility for it and he wasn't resentful for doing it either. And then he did what he had to do.
And like I wasn't like he was going to stick around for a few more years. He did. He did what was necessary.
And he did it because he wanted to. And you don't have to hold your mother's hand the entire way of all these things. She can live independently.
She can do certain things, but you can care for her just like people have cared for you, just like she cared for you. And you don't have to be resentful. That's a choice on your part. And you can see God's hand and provision in this as you deal with this.
Get the book, read it. It'll give you the vocabulary for you to deal with your own heart, because that's where the battle is. You're going to be a lousy caregiver if your heart is is a train wreck of resentment, of frustration, of guilt, of obligation. That that's going to reflect in your caregiving. Doesn't mean you're not going to have tears, but you don't have to have tears of rage or despair. You don't want to be standing at the grave with clenched fist. Will, Will, you're not stuck with it. This is your responsibility. We've got to get out of the mind of saying, well, I'm just stuck with it. And you and I just have to man up and we have to do it.
But that doesn't mean we have to be miserable. There's some things in there, but I'm not there's certain things in there that you'll find. But my book and my show and everything I do is not to give you a checklist on how to care give. What I'm trying to do is sort out the mess that's in the caregiver's heart. And that's where you keep coming back in the same place where you're stuck with this.
You don't want to do this. You're upset about it. It's an inconvenience and all that kind of stuff. And it is. But you're as happy or as miserable as you choose to be.
And you're nowhere near nowhere near the angst that so many are dealing with right now because your mom is cognitive. Let's get let's get out in front of this before this thing goes even further down the rabbit hole. Well, that's what I'm calling you.
Yes. And now you have a path. Read the book. Get yourself in church. Get yourself in a place where people are speaking life to you in this.
Pointing you to where it is. You can take care of your mother. You can weep tears of sorrow in it. And you could still find joy and beauty and excitement and passion.
And you can grow as an individual and you can look at this and say, wow, let's look at what God is doing in this. Well, I'm a close with this because I got some other calls I want to try to squeeze in. But I know this is overwhelming. I know this is frustrating. And I know that you don't want to do this. I can hear it in your voice. I want you to take a leap of faith that God could speak to you in this right now. Well, you are not just miserable and making people miserable around you.
You're not just whining about how you're just the most put upon person in the world. And you could come from that to a point where you could see God's hand of mercy and provision and grace. That he is allowed to push things surface in your life to deal with so that you can understand the gospel in a much more clear manner. Because there's nothing like caring for another human being to expose the funkiness that's in our soul. And that's what God is interested in dealing with. That's where the train wreck is, is in our own hearts. And that's where the gospel penetrates with clarity. And there is nothing like caring for someone who has an impairment of some kind over a period of time to push all this stuff to the surface so we could all see, Oh, that's what's in the bottom of my heart. I'm over here whining about this.
Look at me. Paul and Silas were beaten in stocks and in prison and they were singing hymns at midnight. What did they know about Christ that you need to know while you take care of your mother?
That's a very good question, isn't it? Yep. All right. Start with that. Thanks so much for the call. Keep listening to the show. We're gonna walk you through it.
Whisper: medium.en / 2024-01-21 23:37:40 / 2024-01-21 23:43:52 / 6