"Hello, my name is ...?" Caregivers and the loss of identity

Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberg. This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver, for those who put themselves between a vulnerable loved one and even worse, disaster. Maybe it's a special needs child. Maybe it's an aging parent. Maybe you have someone in your life who had a severe trauma that left him permanently impaired. Maybe it's an alcoholic. Maybe you got an addict.

Maybe it's a combination of all of the above. There's lots of different kinds of impairments and there's always a family caregiver somewhere in that orbit. How are you doing?

How are you holding up? That's what this show is about. We're live. 888-589-8840. 888-589-8840. If you want to be a part of the show, we'd love to have you do that. You can also follow along on Facebook. We stream the show live there and that is at Hope for the Caregiver on the Facebook page.

So we'd love to have you be a part of that as well. You post your comments or whatever is on your heart to say whatever you got going on in your life, we want to talk about it and also welcome those who are listening on the AFR app. If you don't have it, go get it. It's a free app and you can listen to the show through streaming on your phone, on your tablet or whatever you want to do and all the programming that's available. And it's a go out to get this app, put it on your phone or your Android or whatever it is you got and stream along with it. Don't miss a moment of AFR's programming. They have great programming and you can be a part of all of that with the AFR app and we're thrilled to have you again. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. We will get to the phone calls. We're going to talk about, kind of been doing a little bit of a review, but just kind of circling back.

Sometimes we need to circle back and go to the basics. And I've been going through some of the landmines in my book, Seven Caregiver Landmines and How You Can Avoid Them. Seven caregiver landmines and how you can avoid them.

Do you know what those are? And we all hit them. I've hit every one of them multiple times.

You don't have to keep hitting them you can. You can avoid some of these things. One of the biggest ones and it's kind of got multiple components to it is the loss of identity that caregivers go through. And we do. We lose ourselves into someone else's story. And it's a big trap for us as family caregivers.

Let me explain. Think about all the people that you encounter who ask you about how your loved one is doing. Now, contrast with that, all the people who ask how you're doing.

One of the things that I do on this show is that when you call in, I'm going to ask you how you're feeling. And it doesn't, you don't have to have a good answer. I mean, you don't have to say, oh, I'm just blessed or whatever. I don't want to hear platitudes.

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear or what anybody else wants to hear. On this show, we really want to know how you are feeling. And if you're feeling devastated, okay, now we can have a conversation. Now we can be a part of a real dialogue here.

Because if you're just blowing smoke at people, then you're not really dealing with reality. How are you feeling? And whatever's going on with you, that's, that's where we start. That's the conversation start. How are you feeling? Now, let me, I like to bring a scripture into play here.

I got two of them this morning. A lot of times we caregivers somehow think that this is what we are created to do. And we kind of get a twisted sense of who we are as individuals. I want to read something from 1 Peter 2, 9. It says, but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Okay. That's who you are as a believer, as an individual, that is who you are. Now look at Psalm 139 14. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works. My soul knows it very well. Does your soul know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made that you may be a caregiver for a lifetime, a lengthy period of time.

I have been 33 years. Okay. I get that.

But does that mean that that's what you were created to do? No, that is an assignment. That is not an identity. Okay. Get that, get that, uh, hang onto that.

Just hang onto that. That's an assignment, not an identity. So when people ask you, how are you, you know, how are you doing? We caregivers tend to talk about our loved one.

We say, well, she just got home from the hospital or he just had a bad night or our situation is this, or we did this and we fail to, to speak in first person singular. Do you have a hard time speaking in first person singular when it comes to what's going on with you? Are you embarrassed about it? Do you feel guilty if you even talk about how you feel? If so, then you're, you're hitting that landmine, that loss of identity where it just trips you up and you, you find yourself just floundering in someone else's story.

It doesn't mean that they're not important. It doesn't mean that you don't share what's going on with them. That that's not what this is about at all.

It's about you learning to express what's going on in your heart, what's going on with your head space, what's going on in your life. And you don't have to do that with everybody by the way, because some people aren't in a position to be able to handle it. And so one of the things I do with caregivers on this show is as I help you find some stock phrases, if you will, that there are levels of intimacy that you want to have in your life. There are some people that you don't need to involve everything that's going on with you, that they haven't earned that right.

And you don't need to just share all your business with it. But then there are some people that you do need to cultivate that with, that you, that it's important for you to learn how to speak in first person singular with. And it's, and it's very, it's very important for we, for us as caregivers to learn how to distinguish between the two. And so for example, you know, most everybody knows that my wife is an amputee, a double amputee, both legs are gone, but that doesn't mean that they get to see all her scars. Okay.

I mean, you, you, you see the difference. There are some people that just don't, don't have that access and they don't need to. And then there are others who you develop those close trusted friendships with that you do allow to see the scars that you do allow to see the deeper parts of your life. But that's a, that's a process of trust and building that relationship. And I think sometimes we as caregivers, we're so much, we're carrying so much of our pain and our sorrow and our loss and our heartache and all that stuff that when anybody comes up beside us, it just kind of all tumbles out with us. And we, we make people drink from the fire hose and we, we share with things, share things with people that they don't, they don't necessarily need to know, and they're not necessarily equipped to handle. And so there, when this loss of identity grabs a hold of, or when we bang into this particular landmine, it's, it gets us way out somewhere.

We're just all over the map sometimes. And so what I want to help you and myself do is learn how to navigate through this smoothly, where we have these trusted people that we can share what's going on in our heart. And then when we have the ability to kind of navigate smoothly for folks that just want to come along in the periphery and you know, how are y'all doing? Well, you're not going to say fine, but you can say something else.

And you can kind of move through this smoothly without getting kind of hooked into these areas where you got to share more than you really need to share. If that sounds confusing, well, hang on. We're going to unpack that a little bit more. 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. How are you feeling? How are you doing?

We'll talk about it just a moment. This is Peter Rosenberg. This is Hope for the Caregiver. Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is Hope for the Caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger and I'm glad to have you with us.

888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. We're talking about the loss of identity that every caregiver struggles with. If you haven't struggled with it, just give it time. You will. And it will take you down in some dark places. I just listened to that song coming in, I Am Redeemed. How many songs have you heard out there?

Great hymns of the faith and everything else that says, he is redeemed, she is redeemed. They don't write songs in third person singular like that. We do it in first person singular is where we want to talk on this show. I remember I had a fellow call in one time who was dealing with his granddaughter and she really had a lot of stuff going on and I asked, how are you doing? And he kept giving me his granddaughter's chart, all the things going on with his granddaughter. And I interrupted him three times to finally said, hold on.

I mean, I get the fact that your granddaughter's got all this stuff, but this is hope for the caregiver, not hope for the patient, not hope for the parent, not hope for, you know, this is hope for the caregiver. And I said, how are you feeling? And that's where he got very quiet and he said, I'm devastated.

I can go through just scenario after scenario. I was talking to a friend of mine whose wife was going through esophageal cancer. She was in bad shape. And I said, you know, how are you feeling?

And he went through just the whole gamut. Peter, she's having a rough time or we're doing this or our situation is this. And you know, it just, and finally I stopped him.

I said, no, no, no. Tell me, tell me how you're feeling. And that's when the tears started and that's when the stammering started because he wasn't used to expressing what's going on in his heart. You see, that's why we do the show because I know this about caregivers. I know this about myself. I can't count how many people have asked me about Gracie over the years. She's been hurt since 83, 80 surgeries, all the stuff that's going on with her. Are you kidding me? Think about all the people that have asked about her and just try to put a number on that. I mean, she's out there in the public, she's on television, all these things that people, how's Gracie, how's Gracie having surgery, you know, all these surgeries that are mouthing up all these procedures. But I can count the ones who ask about me. And as a caregiver, I think you understand that, don't you?

888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. This really drove home for me one time when I was my pastor, and I've shared this story several times, but this was kind of one of those pivotal moments in my life where I understood the concept. My pastor back in Tennessee, we live in Southwest Montana now, by the way, I drove 15 miles in the snow this morning. We're live, it's Saturday morning. I drove 15 miles in the snow to do this, uphill, both ways.

But I did drive in the snow, it's beautiful snow outside. And I was back in Nashville and my pastor, some years ago, and he asked me, Peter, would you play as people are coming into the sanctuary before the service starts? Just to create a more reverent atmosphere so that people are just partying and talking and loudly catching up and all this stuff.

But this is a sanctuary, this is a place where we worship. And so I did, and I've been a pianist longer than I've been a caregiver. I've been a pianist since I was five years old.

And that was my degree in music, in college and so forth, and I've been doing this for a long time. And I've been playing for Gracie to sing. Now Gracie is a no kidding singer, and you'll hear some of her music on this show. And in fact, she's got a new CD coming out in November. We were supposed to do it in October, but her producer was really, really slow on it.

Oh, wait, that's me. But it's coming out and it is a phenomenal record. And Gracie can absolutely just tear it up. She is such an amazing singer. And so I've been playing for her for 30 something years. And I got up to play and I was playing all these wonderful chords and it dawned on me, on hymns that I've been playing since I was a kid. And about a third of the way through the song, I realized I wasn't playing the melody. I was hearing Gracie's voice sing this in my head. And I was playing around her voice, even though she wasn't there.

And I had to go back and force myself to play the melody. Now, my piano professor back in Nashville, and he's 80 years old and we still stay in touch. And he was my professor in college, wonderful jazz professor. In fact, he plays on a duet with Gracie on this because he played, when she auditioned for the School of Music at Belmont in Nashville, this before I ever met her, before her wreck. In the spring of 83, he accompanied her when she auditioned there. And then she had this terrible wreck.

She set out for a while, I transferred in. And then we met later, but he ended up playing at our wedding and then he played at our son's wedding. But he had a way of teaching and he would tell us as pianists, he said, the best way to do this, to start off is to take one finger and start playing the melody with one finger. Now, as a pianist, that's a lot of work, not too much work to play one note at a time if you're a trumpet player. That's the way you do it. But if you're a pianist, you're used to all 10 fingers moving around somewhere. And it's an enormous amount of concentration and work to play one note at a time, expressively, as expressively as you can.

And that's what he would tell us. And so I went back and I was playing these songs. I mean, I didn't do it right there when I was playing the sanctuary that time. I kind of got through that first service and I realized, okay, I got to go back and learn the melodies of these songs. And I went back and one finger played these hymns that I've known since I was a child, but I had to do it one note at a time.

And I realized that's the journey for us as caregivers. We've got to go back and sometimes painfully train ourselves to speak from our own hearts, to play our own melody. Have you lost your melody?

Do you know your melody? Can you do it? Now I can play with all 10 fingers on these things. You advance to that point, but you don't start off like that. You have to sometimes play it one note at a time. And it's awkward and it's a little bit different. And you don't do it on stage in front of 10,000 people. You do it privately.

You start playing one note at a time. Learn how to say, I hurt. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm resentful.

I'm mad. Whatever comes after the word I, I'm okay with. That's why I do this show. That's you learning to say it one note at a time. That's you learning to find your melody. And pretty soon, the more you do this in a trusted environment, the more music that's going to come out of your soul.

You watch and see. And that's why I did a CD called Songs for the Caregiver. You can get it.

You can go to hopeforthecaregiver.com and get it or you could go online and stream it at all the streaming places and Amazon and so forth, download it. But I put on there, Jesus loves me at old hymn. Jesus loves me.

This I know, for the Bible tells me so. How about you? Can you speak in first person singular about your relationship with Christ? Can you speak in first person singular about how you feel? Can you speak in first person singular about the things that you're carrying right now?

Are you struggling with that? This is your time. This is your place.

This is your hour to be able to wrestle with that and avoid this landmine as a caregiver. If people keep coming up and asking you how your special needs child is doing or how that alcoholic in your family is doing or how your parents are doing or whatever, fill in the blank. I don't care. That's not the point. The point is if they're not asking about you, who is?

I am. And you know what? More importantly, Christ is. And your identity is in Him. You are fearfully and wonderfully made that you may have an assignment as a caregiver, but that is not who you are. You are so much more than that. Even Christ had an assignment as a caregiver and He delegated an assignment as a caregiver for His mother from the cross.

Assignment is one thing. Identity is a whole different ball game here. Do you know who you are? Do you know who you are? Do you even know how you feel? Are you willing to express it?

If you are, this is the place to do it. And it may sound really awkward the first time you do it. That's why I do the show. You don't have to give out. You don't even have to tell your real name. You can just say your friend. But I would prefer you say your first name because that's you learning how to speak of that. But if you feel so embarrassed or feel so awkward, we'll work with you, whatever you can do.

But understand that the goal is for you to learn to speak from your heart, for you to learn to play the melody, for you to learn, even if it's one finger at a time, to play it out and learn how to speak from your place because then you're starting to carve out and regain or reestablish or maybe just discover for the first time your own identity. It's really important that you understand that because that's a big step to being a healthy caregiver, a healthy individual. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. How can you be healthy if you don't even know who you are? How can you be healthy if you've lost yourself in someone else? If you think it's someone else's life, it's your expense.

How does that work? Because you do that long enough and all it's going to do is foster resentment and depression. That's it. Those are the end results of this. It's just resentment and depression. You lose yourself in this thing and you don't even know which way is up sometimes. How are you feeling?

How are you doing? Do you know who you are? Do you know how important you are? It says in Isaiah, it said, my name is engraved on the palm of your hands. Go back and look at these scriptures now and look at the way David writes in first person. He pours out his guts in these things in Psalms.

Go back and look at it. I hurt. I'm tired. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil. No, he says, I will fear no evil for thou art with us, her, him. No, thou art with me.

Do you know that? 888-589-8840. 888-589-8840. We'll take your calls.

We'll be right back. This is Hope for the Caregiver. I'm Peter Rosenberger. Don't go away. Welcome back to the show For Caregivers About Caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger.

We're talking about the loss of identity if you want to be a part of the show. 888-589-8840. I'll say it slow.

Gracie says I always have to say it slower. 888-589-8840. Alright. Loss of identity. How are you doing as a caregiver? I know your loved one's got a lot of problems.

So does he. How are you doing? How are you holding up? It's one of the seven caregiver landmines in my book. Seven caregiver landmines and how you can avoid them.

Hey, how about getting it right now for somebody you know. If you're a pastor, get this book. Caregivers struggle with three I's. We lose our identity. That's what we're talking about today.

We become isolated and we lose our independence. So we're going to focus on that identity today. I want you to understand how important it is for you to have a grasp on who you are as an individual. Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so. Okay. He died for all of us.

He died for each of us. Hold on to that. Toby in Arkansas. Toby, good morning. How are you feeling?

Well, I'm making it. I'm doing all right. We're having some real quick back up, Toby.

Let me first off, let me get you turn your radio off. And the second thing is tell me again, how are you feeling? Well, Peter, I am a survivor. I am strong. I'm not saying we do suffer something.

The primary reason that I'm calling was to, uh, bring up my wife in this conversation. We adopted four of our grandchildren five years ago. They're all special needs psychologically. Three of them are girls are doing fairly well.

We have a young boy about eight years old now and very intelligent, highly intelligent as a matter of fact, but he has some serious behavioral problems. Uh, just really, uh, I'm going to back up on all of this just for a second. Toby, we're going to go with this tiny, tiny, tiny steps. Okay. Number one, I know you're survivor and I know you're strong. How do you feel?

Well, I mean, at times I feel very discouraged. Okay. All right. Hold that thought. Hold that.

Hold that thought for just a second here. Now, why did you adopt these grandchildren? My oldest daughter had gotten into some serious drug problems and was not being able to take care of the children. My wife and I were praying about it. We didn't want to bring the law into it ourselves, but we were praying about it and we knew there was a need and eventually DHS did get involved and was in the process of trying to take the children away. Uh, and, uh, and so my wife and I got involved in, uh, to keep the family together. We, we made the decision to adopt these children. Uh, the oldest now is, uh, nine and the boy is eight and we have two twin girls that are seven now.

And that was five years ago that we adopted them. So, uh, my wife has often made the statement that, you know, she, her whole life is being consumed with this. And, uh, I can tell, I mean, she's a very creative woman herself and, uh, uh, it's okay.

Take your time with it. I guess that's what bothered me is to see that it's taken so much out of her to take care of these kids. I'm working myself. You know, I'm 71. I'm still working 50, 60 hours a week now and really don't mind it.

I mean, I'm trying to go for the job I've got. It's taken care of us, but, uh, we, my wife and I were recently just talking about taking a little vacation and decided not to because at this time we really can't find anyone to, that would trust to take care of these kids. And we didn't want to take them along because she said it would just be transporting the daycare from home down there. And she, and she's really needed a break. Well, I, and I get that both of you do need a break.

Um, the break is not going to come probably in the way you hope for, but it, there is, um, there are paths for this, but let me, let me back up a little bit. Where's your daughter, by the way, the one, the mother of these children, is she out of the picture completely? Well, the court did take away all parental rights.

We have legally adopted these children. She's not totally out of the picture. She is going through some recovery. She is making some progress on her way back. I've still got a ways to go in that we have her over here at our home periodically, you know, just because she is our daughter, of course, and we love her, and to let the children, you know, relate to her. And, and we've noticed that has some positive and negative spirit, especially with the, with the young boy.

Uh, he had a recent episode over at school where they had, uh, he was making threats and so forth and, uh, said he's going to commit suicide. Well, and these, by the way, these things are going to continue. Okay. As they grow older and get into adolescence and so forth, these issues are going to continue to erupt and you're already 71.

So by the time you're 80 years old, you're going to be having a bunch of adolescents going through all kinds of stuff. Okay. Just know that now in, in your work, Toby, do you have any special, uh, education for, um, social work, counseling, mental health counseling, anything like that in your job? Have you trained in any of those?

As far as my work is concerned, we're on the money. I'm a truck driver. Uh, I have, uh, I have ministerial training. I've, I went to Christ for the Nations to train for the ministry. My wife and I actually met in Israel.

We met on the mission. But the point is you don't have any of the family therapy stuff in your background and, um, you wouldn't turn over. Would you, I tell you what, you're a truck driver. What are you driving?

18 Wheeler? Yeah. You wouldn't give the keys to that to just anybody, would you? No.

All right. I think you're going to find that it's going to be helpful to you to find trained people who do this all the time. Now, if I got behind the wheel of your truck, Toby, I'd be a, I'd be a basket case. I mean, that is just not my skill set.

I'm a pretty good pianist, but I am, that doesn't translate to being a good truck driver. And so I would want to have somebody with some real training to be able to deal with this. And there are people that have this that can deal exactly with what you and your wife are dealing with and help you guys get to a back, back onto a better road that are going to be able to help you with these sort of things. And you're going to have to knock on a few doors, but I would start, um, with some type of social worker who has a family, uh, background with educate, I mean, with, with working with families like this and they're out there and you may have to get a referral from your children's pediatrician. I assume your children have a pediatrician, right? Well, they have a pediatrician, they have, they have counselors. They're, they're all in various stages of therapy. Okay. Now what about you and your wife or you in various stages of therapy? Well, uh, I'm going to go ahead and take that as a, I don't know that. I don't know that we've actually shared in depth.

I mean, exactly how we feel. I mean, my wife is more vocal. She's saying when she, she's pretty free about letting her a few close friends that we have know how she feels.

She doesn't keep that into herself. Well, I think that's important to let a few close friends know, but I think it's even more important right now to let a few close professionals know. This is, um, you know, I love truck drivers. I learned a lot of things from truck drivers. One of my dear friends is a truck driver and there's always these lessons to learn when you're carrying a full trailer full of weight, you really have to respect the weight and everything you do. You can't break fast, you can't turn fast.

Um, you know, you can't change lanes fast. You have to really think through this. You're carrying an enormous weight right now, Toby. I mean you and your wife stepped up.

This has been probably, I can't say for sure. I don't know you, but I would imagine of all the heartaches you've dealt with in your life. This probably is right at the top and it's an enormous weight, Toby, on both of you and you're not young people. Respect the weight and get some real professionals in here to help you with this.

Don't try to somehow figure out how to, uh, strap all this thing down yourself. You're going to have to get some real professionals in with this. School counselors can make referrals.

Pediatricians can make referrals. Don't just share this with a couple of close friends, but you and your wife, all of you, every one of you need various levels of therapy and it's not a sign of weakness and it's not a sign of defeat. It's a sign of wisdom because you're willing to ask for help, but you got to ask for help in a smart way from people who really can help. You know, if somebody is not trained in dealing with this, you don't need to involve them in it because they're just going to send you down a rabbit trail of their understanding. There are people out there who deal with this. Sadly, they deal with it day in and day out because this is, this is the culture we're in now. And this is part of what this drug culture has done to us and to the family.

But there are people that really do know these sort of things in your area or close enough to your area. But, but don't just think that your children, your grandchildren have to go into these, these points of counseling. You and your wife do too.

The whole family does. And this is going to take a lot out of you guys and you need to be planned, set in place. I mean, there's a lot of things that have to be dealt with, Toby. I'm sorry, but they, they are.

This is the reality you live with. And I'm glad your daughter is getting some help and getting into some kind of recovery program. But what about you guys? Are you guys getting into some kind of recovery program? And, and there are family programs like that out there that help with people who are in relationship with addicts and alcoholics. Your kids are going, your grandkids are going to start having various things going on in their lives that are going to act out behavior issues and so forth. That's going to just make you and your wife want to pull your hair out.

There are places though that can help with that. You know what, Toby, don't, don't go away. I'm going to hang on.

We're going to talk some more about this. Okay. Don't, don't go away. All right.

We've got to take a quick break. Will you hang on for me? Yeah, I will. All right. Hang on, Toby. Just hang on. This is Peter Rosenberg and this is Hope for the Caregiver.

We'll be right back. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger and in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated.

I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me, but over time my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie and I am standing with hope. Welcome back to the show for Caregivers About Caregivers hosted by a caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver. And this is the show that is dedicated to helping you as a family caregiver. And it could be in so many different environments. I mean, it could be dealing with somebody who has an aging or they're impaired because of aging, because of special needs.

Or in the case of our caller Toby, he's on the line with us here. Daughter had a drug problem. She had three children. They've adopted the children. Children have behavior issues and it's just overwhelming to them. This is why we do the show.

This is why we do the show. Where do you even go? How do you even start to speak in your own voice? See, I'm not going to give you solutions because I don't have them. All I'm going to do is point you to a place where you can start speaking in your own voice and then you can better ask for help. We can identify what help looks like and then point you towards it.

All right. You want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840. If you want to sponsor the show, go to standingwithhope.com.

You heard the ad from Gracie. We have two programs at Standing With Hope. It is for the prosthetic limb outreach she envisioned after giving up her own legs. And for this particular show, the Hope for the Caregiver show, it's for the wounded and those who care for them. And go ahead, get involved today. Standingwithhope.com is a tax-free gift and you can be a part of the show. I'm going to go back to Toby.

Toby, a couple things. I was thinking about this over the break. When's the last time you saw your doctor? I don't have a regular doctor. I only go in for checkups so every two years to get the certification to drive the vehicle.

All right. When's the last time your wife saw her doctor? A few months ago, I imagine, she has a periodic problem with her health a little bit. Well, and by the way, those are not going to change with age.

Those are only going to get worse with age. Here's what I was thinking about during the break. And I know you're busy and I don't want to take a lot of your time with it, but I do appreciate you taking the time to call. It means a lot, Toby.

It's a big deal that you called, okay? We're not going to get this thing solved. You didn't get here overnight. You're not going to get through this overnight.

But what we can do is we can start establishing some things right now where you can do. I think the first order of business though is, Toby, is you having a regular doctor. I mean, you're out there driving a truck. The stress is on you.

A regular doctor involved in your life, making sure that not only do you just qualify to drive, but that you're actually healthy and moving towards being healthier as you deal with this. The stress on you is enormous, okay? So I'm really encouraging you to regularly see your own doctor. Check your blood pressure out.

Check all these things out. Because Toby, if you stroke out with all this stress, this thing is not going to get easier for your wife, okay? You're the one that's providing right now and you being healthy, not just qualified to drive, I mean qualified to live, Toby. So that's the first step.

Second one is your wife, the same thing. And tell your doctor, look, we're under an enormous amount of stress here and it's all on you to be able to provide for this family. If DSS is involved, DCS involved, Department of Children's Services, whatever state, whatever they call it in your state, go back to them, whoever it is, the caseworker for this, and tell them some of the things that you told me today. And lay it out and don't leave them until they have an action plan of the family getting various types of therapy.

Not just you, I mean not just the kids, but you and your wife. There are people there that are doing this. They understand this. They understand the whole concept of what's going on with your family. But you've got to be willing to pin them down and say, look, we're not leaving here until we have a plan. When you go to a doctor's office, you ask them, I want a plan of care. One of the things I tell people when they're dealing with the chronic physical maladies like my wife, we don't go in there and say, well, let's just try this for a couple of weeks and say, no, no, no, no, we're going to have a plan of care. If the plan of care is we're going to wait three weeks and then we're going to do this, then you can expect a call in three weeks because I will follow up with it and I expect them to as well. Well, your family needs a plan of care. The whole family, not just the kids, both you and your wife. If either one of you guys are one sprained ankle away from this thing, turn it into a Greek tragedy.

Okay. That's how deadly serious this is. So Monday morning, three calls. One of them is to your family physician or whatever it is.

If you don't have one, get one and start a path of healthy physical care for you to make sure that all your lab works are good blood work, not just qualified to drive, qualified to live. And then your wife, same thing. And then to that DCS, whoever it is that's handling the kids say, look, the whole family is, we are really, really strained under this. We need a plan of care and don't stop till you get it. Okay.

Those are three action steps that you can do. You mentioned DHS there and consulting with them. And I'm just going to tell you that we had a major court battle with DHS to get custody of the children. And one of the things they kept bringing up was the fact that we're too old to take care of them. So DHS is not our friend and we're good.

They're not your friend, but you don't have a lot of friends in this right now. So you're going to have to do something. Somebody's going to have to step up and help you guys. So if it's not them, go to your doctor and get a referral to a social worker that they use, but somebody is going to have to advocate for you and your wife.

You're advocating for the children who's advocating for you and your wife. So if they're not your friend, okay. If that door is closed, we got to go knock on another one. Well, I agree that we are one of the things that I've heard and received here through this conversation is I do believe that we can, uh, we do need to, uh, seek some spiritual counseling, mature counseling. Not just, not just spiritual. You need, you need, you need more than just that too. You need spiritual counseling.

And I agree with that, but, but here's the deal. I'm going to ask you one straight up question. If you stroke out, if you have a wreck, something happens to you. If you die, your wife dies.

What happens to the kids? Well, Peter, you're dealing with a man of faith and I don't intend to leave this world till I get my mission accomplished. That's where I stand on it.

And if I, and Satan is not going to take me out before I get my job done. That's, that is my stand. That is my total belief.

I'm not just saying it. That is what I will do with my life. I am living.

We're suffering. Some call for a plan. I understand your faith. I got it. Me too. But I still have a plan for my wife.

If something happens to me. Well, I like, like I've said, I have received some points from your conversation and I'm going to follow through on them. And I do appreciate what you do. The task at hand, Toby, I wanted to spend a little extra time.

Your kids are going to have a lot of emotional needs that are going to be just compounded as they step into puberty and adolescence and you and your wife are going to be approaching 80 years old when that happens. So if you can start putting some things in place right now, you're going to be able to better care for them. And I understand the whole point of faith.

I'm the same way. I'm a man of faith myself and I have a responsibility to do these things, but I also have life insurance for my wife to make sure she's okay if something happens to me. Okay. And those are things that we can do as caregivers to be responsible.

We can't, we can't guarantee outcomes, but we can be responsible. But Toby, I appreciate you taking the time to call. It means a lot that you took the time to call. I know it's a hard call and these are hard things with you, but I do appreciate it.

Okay. God bless you for what you're doing there. Thank you, Toby.

Thank you very much. Let's see if we can squeeze in one more Tim in Oregon. Tim, we got just a little bit of time here, but I didn't want to, I just wanted to grab you as quick as I could. Tell me what's going on real quick. How are you feeling? Good. Good.

I have a father-in-law who has pancreatic cancer stage four, so he probably has less than a year. He's living in my home and that upsets my, it sets my special needs eight year old who thinks that we spend too much time with him. I have a 12 year old and this is why I'm calling, who is at 12 amongst her friends at school, in middle school, a bunch of gender confused kids. Some who identify as transgender, who have changed their names, whose parents have gone along with these things. And what I'm thinking is that we need to take the next step. She's interested in talking with someone. We tried to stay open and keep the lines of communication open, even as she says, well, call me a boy's name instead of the girl's name.

I gather this is not terribly uncommon in our society now and that at this age at 12, yes, in our society, there seems to be gender fluidity, but that counselor, if they're a regular ATA counselor, they're probably going to toe the ATA line, which I think is politically motivated. I'm concerned though, it's going to be very hard to find somebody who is not going to say, oh yeah, that's great. But we'll try to pull them towards the right, towards the good, towards the true and towards Christ. Well, it starts with you doing it.

It starts with you doing it. And personally, I don't buy into what the culture says. I mean, the culture right now has got their head so far.

Well, nevermind. We need a lot of cranial proctologist in the medical industry right now and in the psychological industry because the culture cannot dictate to you what scripture says. I've got like one minute to address an issue that is gripping our society and our society has lost its collective mind right now. And mental illness has crept into all these things and into our dialogue.

And I'm probably going to get a lot of heat for this, but you know, what do I do? Scripture's very clear on this. It will be hard to find somebody maybe in your area that will back you up on this. That doesn't mean you can't do it.

And that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. This station has resources. If you're listening to the station, you understand the policy of this station and there are people out there that can help guide you in this, but don't buy into the culture and don't buy into their language.

I refuse to allow them to dictate what scripture says is clear. Okay. This is Hope for the Caregiver. I'm sorry we're out of time, Tim. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. We'll see you next week.