He'll give you hope for tomorrow, joy for your sorrow, strength for everything you go through. Remember he knows, he knows the plans he has for you.
Oh yes he does. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on Sirius XM 131 Family Talk Channel. This is Peter Rosenberger, 877-655-6755. If you want to be a part of the show, that's Gracie.
And that's from her new record, Resilient. You can get a copy of that at Hopeforthecaregiver.com. Go out and take a look at all the things we have to offer, including our podcast, which is free. And we want to make it available to you.
Lots of different things out there. We have special things from John every so often. Oh yeah. Well thank you very much Peter. And you know I was speaking of Gracie's wonderful musicianship and yours is, you know, what it is. I do what I can with what I have. Yeah, yeah.
But you know, I was thinking, most national anthems, aren't they just country songs? Okay. I forgot that we're supposed to, we're contractually obligated to give you a dad joke every week and we should stop that. We need to break that contract. Somebody get me a lawyer on the phone.
All right. I like to have authors on the show that are caregivers that bring their insight to the discussion here. And I've got Janine Urbanic-Reid on the phone. She is an author and writer. She's been doing this for a long time. And then she also now has taken on to the next level, which is her journey as a caregiving mom. This is why I'm just so thrilled to have her on. And when I heard about this book, I thought we need to have her on here because I love to listen to the title of this book, John. The Opposite of Certainty.
The Opposite of Certainty. So Janine, thank you for being a part of this. I don't want to spoil anything.
I want you to, I want you just to jump right in there. But thank you for taking the time to call the show and thank you for being flexible with me today. Oh, no problem. It's wonderful to meet you, Peter.
I'm so glad to be here. Yeah. So I, yeah, this is my memoir, The Opposite of Certainty. And of course I had no idea what kind of uncertainty the book itself would be born into. So it's a little bit of a wild, you know, I don't know about, well, it is synchronicity.
I tend to call that God. This book is coming out at this moment in time. And it is the story of my journey as a mother of a young man, age 10 originally, diagnosed with a brain tumor. A slow growing brain tumor and how our family began to orbit, I write, orbit that brain tumor and the changes that brought and the identity shift for the entire family and the spiritual grounding that has come of us, come through us through this experience. One of the things I talk about that happens to family caregivers is there's what I call the three I's.
We lose our independence, we become isolated, and then we lose our identity. And talk about that journey with you guys on how this, like you just said, it shaped your identity. How did this, you're orbiting almost, I love the way you said that, we're orbiting this affliction now that has come about. She is a writer, Peter, she has a way with words. She is a writer, she does have a way with words. I have written books, she's a writer. Thank you. And you were a writer before this came about.
I was, I was. Yeah, this is my first book, but I've always been a writer, so it kind of seemed inevitable that this story would have to come through me for me as a person to make sense of it all. I also really believe in offering my experience to help others, and as I was writing it, I saw there was a certain universality in the message of getting through uncertain times. Well, talk about the identity that arose from this, and the loss thereof, the regaining thereof, all of the above. Yeah, well I think, you know, anybody who's become a parent, and especially a stay-at-home mom, which was a choice I made early on with my three children, my identity started getting, you know, closer and closer to home, right? I became the parents, the mom of these three children, and then I became the desperate mom of a very, a very sick little boy. And as my husband's world, thank goodness, he was able to maintain his career and grow his career through this whole time. As his world got bigger, my world got smaller and smaller, and I had to learn to, you know, there were some good things about that, because I, you know, a true identity, I never was what I did for a living, right?
There's a me that is much bigger than those outside circumstances, but it was really challenging, and I really do write a lot about working, getting to that point of building a support network, because the isolation, me alone with my mind and exhaustion, I mean, I don't need to tell you how that's not a recipe for always a really great thing, right? That's not where my positive thoughts come in. Well, my mind is a dangerous place to go into unaccompanied. Let's leave it there. Well, I'm with you there. I'm with you there.
Yeah. Well, you talk about how you rejected a lot of the platitudes, and I can tell you that as a caregiver for all these years, platitudes has been, the road behind me is strewn with platitudes. You had these things thrown at you, and people want to come at you, and some of the things people have said over the years that, well, God obviously has a reason, or God has a purpose, or, you know, just things that just make me kind of go barking mad, but tell us about that with you.
Well, I'm right there with you. Yeah, I even had a friend one time, and I was glad she could be so honest with me. She said, you know, if God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I don't want to get as spiritually fit as you are, because I don't want anything to, I don't want to go through what you're going through.
So there was this illusion that I had some, I don't know, some either really bad luck or some superhuman spiritual skill, which I'm just, I write in the book, I'm just an ordinary woman in extraordinary circumstances. So, yeah, the platitudes, you know, just the message to get through these crises needs to have depth and weight, and a platitude just doesn't have that, and I think it's also, there's something about, and I get it, I'm sure I slung, I'm sure I got the platitudes slung back at me that I slung at others over the years, you know, with good intentions. But I just, yeah, it's the depth and weight of the message, and sometimes it's okay not to say anything, you know, that I think there's a tendency to want to fix it for someone, and to want to put a shine on a really sad or scary situation, when the best support that I could get in that moment might be just someone sitting next to me and saying, you know what, it's really hard, it's just really hard, I wish this wasn't happening to you, this is hard, but I'm here, you know, that's what we need to hear, nobody needs to fix it.
Well, and nobody can. I mean, you know, and I, somebody asked me a while back, they said, you know, what would you want people to say to a caregiver, and I said, well, I offered this phrase, look at them in the eye and say very quietly, I see you, I see the magnitude of what you carry, and I hurt with you. And let it just start from there, let it flow from there, and just, like you said, just be there, that's what we just had on the last half hour with Stephen ministers, just to learn to be and not to do. And so when you wrote this book, when you sat down and said, okay, I'm going to talk about this, what was the starting point, was it the tumor diagnosis, was it something that happened in you, something that sparked it, what was that, okay, now I need to write about this kind of moment. Well, the book is also about my own cancer diagnosis, so I had a lot of life thrown at me, well, it felt like thrown at me, that's probably not, I mean, there's probably a kinder way to say it, but it felt like it was thrown at me, and this was my way because I am a writer of making sense of it, it's like the story needed to come through me. And I've also lived my life with, my spiritual code is to use my experience to help other people, and this seemed like a really great opportunity because I was looking for people's stories, I've always, my whole life, wanted to hear other people's stories about getting through hard times. Even, I found my childhood Bible and I had passages, you know, underlined that were all about finding courage. What has happened to your faith through this that you would look at as, oh, that's different, I mean, oh, I didn't know, I didn't catch that about God before and now through this process, what has illuminated in your walk with God through this? I like to say that I've gotten a more muscular faith, whereas before I think I used my faith, like, I had a faith, I've always had a faith, but I used it as a hedge against the powers of myself well, you know?
So, like a triple-A card, let's say, that I kept in my wallet, with this kind of crisis and my son's, you know, it was a kind of, it's an ongoing thing, it's something that couldn't be removed, so it's something we had to learn to orbit, we learned to live with and function with. So I've had to learn how do I, how do I, is my faith, I think the biggest question for me was I felt like my faith was inadequate because I did have doubt and I did feel like I wasn't enough and that I didn't have enough strength in any given moment. And there was this one time I was in the hospital with my son and it was just one more surgery, which I'm sure you understand, and one more, you know, it wasn't going in the direction anybody on the care team wanted this situation to go in and I called a friend of mine and I just, you know, I fell apart and she said, you don't think you can do it, right?
And I said, no, I can't do it, I can't do it, and it was so good to be acknowledged because that's it, I just can't, it's too big for me now, I'm too tired, and she paused and then she said, you know what, but you're doing it. And I started to look at my relationship with God as, and this was a dear friend of mine, she would also ask me, how have you been cared for today? And that was, and all of a sudden, you know, I'd been holding out like God working in our family life would look like a miracle, like this tumor would be, you know, they'd, I had this fantasy, they'd do an MRI and they'd go, why do you have this skin and MRI machine, there's no tumor here. But that was the, like, that was, if that's the standard for a miracle with my eyes fixed on that, you know, posted on the wall, I wasn't getting that there were miracles, I was in, I was in a soup of miracles at all times with, you know. I learned this faith that is a lot more practical, I have doubt, but that's a, you know, that's the, the inspiration for the title is a quote from a philosopher named Paul Tillich, and he says, the opposite of faith isn't doubt, it's certainty. And so to be able to look at my faith and my courage is enough, and I can ask God for more, there's a beautiful phrase in the Bible, I believe, but help my unbelief, and that's how I got through a lot of those days, I believe, but help my unbelief, it became a mantra for me. You know, that is, that is absolutely one of my all time favorite verses, and I have cried that out myself, and I think that was, one of the reasons that I like having authors like you on the show is that you're not dressing this thing up and get to this some kind of super Christian destination, and look back at the rest of people and say, why haven't you figured this out, that we're all going to struggle with this, it's a struggle, the whole journey is a struggle, but it's not, we don't have to be miserable on the struggle. We don't have to judge ourself that somehow we don't have the perfect Christian outlook on these things, it is what it is, it's painful, it's real, this is who we are, this is what we've got to deal with.
Exactly, and it's so human, I think it's the essence of the human spiritual journey, because we get very little information, and we're mostly, I'm mostly acting on faith, and if I allow myself, and if I allow myself the full range of emotions rather than numbing everything down, the joy comes up organically and it surprises me, I think I push down the terror and the grief for a long time because I was afraid they'd take over, but lo and behold if I allow, if I'm present to these things, joy just pops up, it's like a dandelion, it's just there, that's grace in my mind. Now this book hits when? It was last Wednesday, it's right now. It's right now, okay. It's right now, it's in bookstores or online, available right this minute. Are you going to do an audiobook? There is an audiobook available, yes. Good, good, because a lot of people, I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately and I really enjoy it, and so I would imagine I'm not alone on that, that people are listening to books now, and so please, please go out and check and get this book. I've got one more question, can you wait until after the break? Absolutely. I've got one more question for you.
I'm happy to, yes. We're talking with Janine Urbanik-Reid, this is her new book, The Opposite of Certainty, and there's more to come here on Hope for the Caregiver, don't go away, Hopeforthecaregiver.com, and we can also put this out on the podcast, but I want you to pay attention to this woman and what she has to offer to you right now as a caregiver. As a caregiver, think about all the legal documents you need, power of attorney, a will, living wills, and so many more. Then, think about such things as disputes about medical bills. What if, instead of shelling out hefty fees for a few days of legal help, you paid a monthly membership and got a law firm for life? Well, we're taking legal representation and making some revisions, in the form of accessible, affordable, full-service coverage.
Finally, you can live life knowing you have a lawyer in your back pocket who, at the same time, isn't emptying it. It's called Legal Shield, and it's practical, affordable, and a must for the family caregiver. Visit caregiverlegal.com. That's caregiverlegal.com. Isn't it about time someone started advocating for you?
www.caregiverlegal.com, an independent associate. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger, and in 1983, I experienced a horrific car accident, leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.
But over time, my questions changed, and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.
And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie, and I am standing with hope. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger.
This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. That is my wife, Gracie, with Russ Taft. And I looked at my feed on my phone, John, and she was recording that. She was in the studio with Russ a year ago today, and that was kind of cool. Yeah, right on.
And she did that song, The Joy of the Lord, and you can go out and get that at hopeforthecaregiver.com if you want to be a part of what we're doing. And I also want to—you heard her story about what we're doing over in West Africa. This week, I've got to purchase some more resin to send over, and that really resonates with me, John. Yeah. No, we do resin to make the sockets. We could recycle the prosthetic limbs. And we had a lady call in yesterday about that, and she's taking care of a family member with prosthetic legs, and I said, you know, don't throw those things away if she outgrows them or doesn't need them anymore.
Yeah, there's some expensive bitsy pieces. Yeah, we can take those things, and they go to a prison in Tennessee run by CoreCivic, and it's one of their many faith-based programs where inmates volunteer to strip these limbs down, and we can reuse all the parts. And Gracie's sent over her legs over the years.
She's been an amputee since 91, so she's gone through a lot of legs, and that sounds kind of weird. I know, John. John, you're almost numb to these kind of things, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
I'm just 40 feet. I'm just trying to keep my foot in the door here. Oh, step off. But she—no, it's a great program that these inmates do, and faith-based programs are so effective in the prison system, and these inmates love to do it. CoreCivic has been so great to let us do this.
Please, please, please get the word out that we could use that, but then we purchase other materials that cannot be recycled, like resin, to make the socket, and that's what the limb fits into, and it's an extraordinary work. If you want to be a part of it, go on out there to standingwithhope.com. Seek all that we do, and for a donation of any amount, we'll send you a copy of Gracie's record. All right, we're talking back here again. I'm sorry that we had to stop in the middle of the conversation, but we're talking with Janine Urbanic-Reed. Her new book is called The Opposite of Certainty, and this was prompted through some very difficult things in her life.
She's been a writer for many years, published in all kinds of big publications, and then all of a sudden this life event happened, as is wont to do. When your son got this diagnosis, I don't want you to have to relive that moment, but there are individuals listening right now who are living in that moment for the first time. What would you like to say to them? At first I would say you're not alone. Even if you are alone in your house right now, there are those of us who have walked this path too, and one step at a time we walk through this.
And there's so much, right? There's that terrifying thing where all of a sudden you realize your life is not going down a path you recognize, or you don't even know what's around the corner. And this is where I would say also ask for help. One of the first calls after my son's diagnosis was to a dear friend of mine, and I just called and left a message, and I pulled over, said what had happened, and said, I need you to know. I think it's so important that we don't walk through this alone, because even though it's difficult to speak the words to people that this has just happened, they've found a tumor in Mason's brain, and to deal with their reactions, it's so important, it was so important to me to have help, and to have people who could support me in a number of different ways.
Did the phone feel like it was 100 pounds? Absolutely, absolutely. But there was something in me, and I call that grace too, that just was like, you need to call.
You need to call now. And this is the message I want to also just put an exclamation point behind for fellow caregivers, because that isolation just truly cripples us. And if we think that we can somehow white-knuckle ourselves through this, we're mistaken, and we will hurt ourselves and hurt the ones we're trying to care for.
It's just too big. But there are people that can help. There are people that will walk through. God will bring them into our lives. Are we willing to trust him in this?
Are we willing to trust that he's using other people to do this? And there are mishaps along the way, like you said, about platitudes, and people are going to say the wrong thing, they're going to do the wrong thing. What kept you forging ahead, even when you bumped into those platitudes or those roadblocks of errors? Well, you quickly learn, or I quickly learned, who were safe people. Not everyone can handle it.
Not everyone can. I was fortunate. I'm a small-circle kind of person. I had two or three really close friends who could handle it. And then there were circles of people who weren't safe for me.
I don't know what their motivation was or whatever, but for whatever reason, it didn't feel right to me. And I had to really honor that tender. I was so broken.
I'm not a crier, and I just cried for a week. And I think the other big thing I had to learn was to accept care. So the first step would be to find safe people. And there are professionals who help with these things, too. There's some brilliant people out there. And then learn to accept care, which is an ongoing challenge for me to this day, because part of my challenge is I'm so freaking capable. I got this. I know how things should be.
Well, and I found that with a lot of family caregivers is that we are high-functioning multitaskers who are extremely good at what we do, and it takes us a lot longer to realize we can't do it. Yeah, and that we can't do it alone, right? Correct. Yeah, kind of back to that platitude I talked about at the beginning of our conversation. You know, that idea that God is not going to give me more than I can handle. Well, the thing is, I'm not meant to handle it alone. That's the thing.
You know, you've probably heard of God with skin on, right? Those are those nurses. Those are those random people in an elevator. You know, the doctor who answers his own phone, the person in the coffee shop with a kind smile. It could be anything, but, you know, there is grace when I'm able to look for it. And I do have support, but I have to put myself out there, too. Well, Milton said the first thing that God's eyes said that was not good was that man was alone.
And that was before the fall. And so we were not designed to do this alone. We were not designed to be alone, and you have forged a path for people in this. And I really do appreciate you taking the time to call Janine. Janine Urbanik Reid, the book is called The Opposite of Certainty.
Do yourself a favor and get this book and or give it to somebody you know who is just now walking into this path. OK, this if you don't know what to say to a caregiver, guess what? Janine does hope for the caregiver.
Hope for the caregiver dot com. We are thrilled to have you with us. We'll see you next week. Janine, thank you so much for the time today. We'll see you next week. John, we'll see you next week, too. Thanks, Peter. Thanks, John. Bye bye. Bye bye.
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