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The Relationally Intelligent Child - Dr. John Trent and Dr. Dewey Wilson

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
June 19, 2021 1:45 am

The Relationally Intelligent Child - Dr. John Trent and Dr. Dewey Wilson

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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June 19, 2021 1:45 am

If you’re concerned that the pain of your past might trickle down to your children, don’t miss this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. John Trent and Dr. Dewey Wilson will give help for parents who want to raise relationally intelligent children. What are the five keys to helping kids connect well with others? Find out today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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Focus on the Family
Jim Daly
Alan Wright Ministries
Alan Wright
Building Relationships
Dr. Gary Chapman
Truth Talk
Stu Epperson

Passing relational skills to your children today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman for us to lean indoor kids life and to really say do all okay you know what I see such high-value in you and for that you begin to totally change your one. It's okay to Q but it is also important that were there to assist and guide the welcome hearing New York Times best selling on five love languages today as we celebrate fathers some help for dad and mom you want to help your kids connect well with others. Don't miss our conversation with Dr. John Trenton Dr. Dewey Wilson.

They have team to write the relationally intelligent child talk about that you find your website. Five love Chapman, you released a memoir recently where you talk about the legacy of your parents and they spoke into your life. Do you think they help you become relationally told Chris I will find out in this program would get all the characteristics of relationally intelligent move it all to, but I think so really great relationship. Mom and dad love each other all the way to the end and my sister and I had a good relationship also. So you think they did but I'm gonna find out for sure in the next hour. So here.

Let's find out from our guests. First, Dr. John Trent, president and founder of strong, a ministry committed to building strong relationships he's written, authored, co-authored more than a dozen books for both adults and children love for all seasons, the language of love. The blessing, and many more. He and his wife Cynthia live in Scottsdale Arizona. They have two grown daughters, and right next to him is Dr. Dewey Wilson founder and CEO strong marriages. He has contributed to Focus on the Family's book the best advice on parenting with Jim Daly and he's written books and workbooks for strong marriages including devoted and doing life together.

Our featured resource today is the book that Dr. Trent Dr. Wilson of written together, titled the relationally intelligent child five keys to helping your kids connect well with others find it@ Dr. John Trenton Dr. Dewey Wilson welcome to Building Relationships. Well thank hearing is great to be with you guys again. Absolutely thank you for having us doctrinally start with you. What is relational intelligence.

Okay, I think that IQ is overrated. Okay well yeah we probably how to start with the second part of that question first Africa development. Wait a minute, here's here's a bunch people on Chris is smarter than all of us. But then the three of us with with with Vernon PhD's and your thinking. Okay, wait a minute how it can IQ be overrated. But here's the deal. Dr. Chapman is I think we all know that our kids have lost so much ground in this past you know year and all that's gone gone on and for the average parent. What are they concerned about all you know Jimmy can't do math as well or or you know man their way behind on reading only tell you what they're really rape a hot way behind on his relational intelligence and what we don't realize. So often is, is the fact that man relationship Summit.

We are created for connection in order. Kids are losing and what we get to talk about today. Let me just before I do that. Just ask a quick question. You don't want on IQ. Did you know that's the capacity measurement Dr. Chapman, you have a sister you know I mean work was she the smart one or were I know you're super smart, but were were I got a really smart twin brother that his capacity to learn.

His IQ parts were fraternal I can brag on them are way off the chart. DC would it mean to Pat. That's what IQ is.

You know how much can you stuff in there and then regurgitate which is important that nothing is not important.

None of us are, but relational intelligence is.

It is a different kind measure. It's really an application will measure what it says in Scripture you know your apply wisdom, well, relational intelligence, the way we define it is meant. This is how you you really exercise that natural ability that God is given us to learn and understand and and apply healthy relationship skills that help us to successfully connect and interact with others in I think your mom and dad probably did a pretty good job. Dr. Chapman turned out about have given you a monitor giving you a model for connecting with others think you're right.

You know always been involved in people's lives in my sister as well. For that matter so but I personally ask you that you know was so much of the world being shut down lockdown over these past past year or more now.

How has that impacted relationships and relational intelligence in children. Will Dr. Chapman.

I think there's a lot of parents out there today that really don't even realize how much ground their kids are actually losing in a and I think one thing that contributes to that is these kids today are such digital natives and I'm a UTEP call me a digital immigrant because you want when we grew up there was a wedding such thing as a cell phone in a deafening certain was a smart ass I think the smartest devise. My dad ever gave me was it was a shovel and told me go out there and dig holes hooking up with trees in these these kids are born with the smart devices in their hands and so there there isolated there there there not in face-to-face relationships anymore and isolated in their own home but yet there they give the appearance because her interacting with social media so well that the parents might think okay whether there connecting interacting with their friends. But the problem with that is is that isolation research is showing that that oscillation is is leading to two extreme levels of stress and anxiety. In fact, this Internet disease. They put out a an article of research about six months ago and just from what they're finding there saying that that anxiety and depression levels in these kids are double what they were a year ago annual. For example, in their something called mirror neurons that that each one of us have and what mirror neurons are at their center neurons in the brain at that fire not only when you perform an action but also when you observe someone else performing an action and you less on that sound when you you it can it be can be a thing for riding a bike you know or it can be like it go. Have you ever if ever seen somebody like trip and fall or twist her ankle work or get cut an inch and then it seems like you're experiencing the same pain that they are that's that's that's a mirror neuron and the problem with that he is, is that that these things occur when, where and when when were interacting and in and in real life situations face-to-face. Without these face-to-face conversations that are missing out on the tone of voice and and you know that there there masking their identity through social media. Summing that's just, a long answer to that.

The reality is that your parents today in many ways just don't have a clue just how much ground.

These kids are losing. That's true in terms of their own parents own interfacing with the children right Absalom ready as we became on the scene in and start interacting through social media is becoming so much comfortable with us and so as you. We think that that's that's doing life together. That is, but is not doing life together. The way that God intended for us to do life together well on Bottom line is you know I think in a lot of ways the relational life of kids is just getting sucked out of them on the screen and a big part of that is just write an article real interesting is a young lady she's in a college small college in the Midwest and she goes him when we first started this whole thing. I thought all this is great I can be safe. Okay I can I can talk to my friends. The super connected and then she goes. I began to realize after all this time. Wait a minute I'm not safe. I'm afraid I'm stuck and I feel like that now.

Okay I can connect but I don't want to go out and relate and I'm telling you we want our kids to be able go walk into a group of kids and you don't be that kid.

That's not you don't get not that they have to be the chatty, chatty, pert person. But how do they relate to their teammates on a soccer team how to they walk up to someone and initiate a conference conversation. How do they know how to relate and that's why we think this is such an important thing to talk about is boy you know relational intelligence is hugely needed for kids right now we get to talk about that today, which is also this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more about our featured resource in our guests today by going to find love Dr. Dooley Wilson, and Dr. John Tran have written the relationally intelligent child. It's our featured resource@ again got a five love over talk about relational intelligence with children in the book you use the Apple store is an example of a place where you can say relational intelligence at work know what you mean by that. You know it's interesting in and I know were given him a plug but bottom line is, most people want to go to an Apple Store.

You have what you have a problem. What you don't realize is when you walk in the door, guess who that person is that your thinking okay that's good to be this techie person and they're going to use their magic that I don't understand. But all of a sudden they're relating to, you know what their smiling as they solve their their problem solve your problem, which always makes you me anyway feel like my gosh that was to do so.

It's not that they're not super smart when it comes to being able to you know fix the tech part. But guess what I do good friend that works at Apple stories older than I am, which is like, you know, getting up there and and I guess why they hired him.

He knew nothing about computers. He just asked him get lost his job and wandered in there with the computer problem because cash give a higher old people like me in the go, yeah.

And because guess why they want you to be able to relate then you know Gary, we have a daughter you do to your daughter this in the medical area.

We have a daughter that's a nurse practitioner and she sees hundreds of people so guess what the guess what, they reach her on okay. This is why this is so important relational intelligence for kids even if your kid is going in an area where there's lots of technical details so but nobody rates Laura on oh you did a great job of stitching up those you're putting in those stitches were okay well you really nailed that diagnosis they're giving you one to five stars on what how did you relate to me and that's really again what were talking about Jesus picks the disciples they were all over the map in terms of personality you sooner.

Getting out. They were all able to relate well the love of God to other people. So this is a minor thing on me. What were losing is our capacity to really know our connect with people in a powerful way. So that's why were so fired up about this.

Let me ask this Dr. Wilson before we go too much further. In our conversation, it is their spiritual component to this. In other words, do you help children become more receptive to God if they learn to interact well with others.

Oh, absolutely. Dr. Chapman, you know, it's the income goes back to what we talk about it earlier but haven't had God created us for relationships and I mean what better model for us to to to learn how to do relationships and Jesus himself, and you know I think of it in one story puffed my mind Scriptures is the story about the that the man who was beaten by the thieves and was basically left for dead in the story of the good Samaritan and you know what we have the religious leader said that the priests and the Levites come by and they walked to the other side yes to good Samaritan who has empathy I and is able to be able to minister to this individual's needs and so young when when we begin to realize that this is how God created us what what we do.

This would begin to step outside of herself in this where we seen her children as well that can step outside of yourself to become more empathetic and to enter as we read in talking with Mayor Mariner neurons earlier is that it as we grow when we begin to be more empathetic and want to serve other people, then obviously were coming that much closer to God because that's how God created us in Scripture tells us that that we have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. When we become a child of God. And so it is we begin to model that for our children based on our ability through the spirit then then I mean who better to parent our kids then asked his parents. I mean they God created us to be able to to teach them and to grow them, not just in their physical stature but also in in a fear and admonition of the Lord is with okay now you guys boil down the relational intelligence to five key elements document tell us what these elements are we maybe dig into a little more later but give us an overview of what these five elements are yeah absolutely soaked because hopefully people are getting the idea.

All right, there's a huge problem out there are kids of lost ground and we have ourselves. You mentioned that earlier and that's so true.

I mean church attendance is his way down and a lot of it is as people of gotten comfortable again want us to watch it from from home and and yet weird not to forsake the gathering together and they begin to just that face-to-face is so important. But here's what it is just in a in a nutshell kind of these you know five elements really are, like stepping stones to a degreaser just go through them real quickly.

I mean, it starts off with that incredible need we have for attachment and so you know is we as we really build that bridge with the with the child. Guess what they're able to do their able to be then move out and explore their world and in a course, the problem is once they begin to explore their world, then you're going to fall down right on me. They just we have a little eight month old precious granddaughter and everything's exploring everything goes in her mouth. Everything she's just starting to crawl and now every all bets are off. You know when you have to move everything but they they fall down and but it's but that's the third thing is they need to know with that secure attachment they can go explore. But now they need to. What be able to get back up if they fall down and that begins to help them understand with that kind of cascading I'm secure I can go explore. When I fall down. I can get back up. You know and and then guess what that this teacher teaches them resilience in and wise decision-making because boy I made a mistake cares not reaching for that again and then and then the last one is man from that point.

Now I've got a framework for making great decisions and I can we call it future focused service. So now there's this capacity to go rock their world.

You know to go change because they're not expecting life from people and they're not so afraid of connection or exploring. And even if they make a mistake, then they don't know they can move forward. So will get it. All of these but it's really these are kind of.

Again, not capacity but application all measurements that say hey I can do this with my kids because guess what gods put those abilities in our life as well. So the parents listen to us today and are thinking of personnel about that secure attachment that you mention and maybe they're not spending very much time even time with their child.

If that's the starting place.

Thank you. So that's kind of the foundation to the right right what what is that mean what is how it is apparent feel that kind of relationship. Attachment WebCam I think it as we begin to think about building this foundation it at a very very early age to me is based on on attachment theory, and that is when if it if it mean when a child reaches out when a child has a need any reaches toward the caregiver. The parent and parent reaches back and that's the beginning of the of the connection right there that it really serves as the foundation for this attachment and amine humming times. If you have you seen a child it little taller.

That said that's in the in the floor maybe crawling in the and is in a kind goes into the exploring their world. If you will as well but is there is there crawling along, they stop and then they sit back up and then they look around to see me aware that that caregiver where mom and dad are and research shows over the years that when the indignant little child is able to look back and see that face that loving face that reaches out to them and is somewhat selected with "The 5 Love Languages" you have this this this physical touch and and be able to note just to speak to them in a in a loving way in with you with words of affirmation, even as a child than what you're seeing is that that that building of that foundation of that secure attachment in here again you I was a I was in the frame business instruction business for years and years and the one thing that that really they spend a lot of time on but it but it really doesn't get that much attention to it. In regard to what the house looks like is the foundation yet yield. The foundation is going to have a strong foundation is going to determine the true strength of the of everything that follows and get something is built on that foundation's on the same way. That's what secure attachment is an self-interest is such that it sets the unit that the really the tone for how every these are the four elements are built on top of that, you know we talk a lot about the blessing as you know, you know, it's like Dewey was a framer but you know it's like if you're a hammer, everything is a nail so I talk a lot about the blessing because that's a big part of of what the blood units. It was attachment sciences really science catching up with the Bible because when we bless our kids with that touch and spoken words.

Those kinds of things that are part of "The 5 Love Languages" a lot as well. But here's it is an amazing study. The Virginia Tech and I am actually I have not been on the campus, but at Virginia Tech. I guess is a really really high heel okay and what they would do is is students to be walking across. Of note between classes and they'd grab a kid by himself, and then the grab to two kids, two students. Okay now the two students could be a boyfriend girlfriend could be roommates you know about that but somebody that you could tell Ned give him a quick assessment and okay really attached to this person you know good friend dating, you know, or you're by yourself and then that have them stand was a visit visual perception study and it is so picture this, they would say okay see this high hill now put on this backpack and it was a 45 pound Nele Ranger pack of your Army Rangers about 65 to 80 pounds so it's not that. Have a good 45 pounds is a heavy you know that's a good lift right see you put on this heavy backpack and now you look up at the high hill and you say, are you have to climb at how high is that hill in our heart is that the climate and every time.

Guess what Chris and Gary.

Bottom line is that they would overshoot it was higher than it really was. It would be harder to do all by themselves, but now they had the person that had somebody with a and then have that person that's with them put their hand on their shoulder and look up and guess what the mountains shrunk and I think that's into it with you. It was replicated in in England, where it was just the memory of someone and I think that's why knowing you know Jesus says I will never leave you nor forsake you that when you realize God's hand is on her shoulder tell me that's attachment. That's the blessing, but the bottom line is that person. We need people to in our life that can shrink those hills that are kids are going to face. So let me ask this question. Mom and dad are both working full time they have this child. I have two children and this is window rather common in our culture. How does this interface with the parents time and involvement with the child in those early years, you know, Dewey mentioned yellow younger kids. But even as they like as in toddlers, but even as they get older. It's amazing the kids just desperately need guy I can remember my mom was a rheumatoid arthritic okay and to artificial ankles to artificial knees to artificial elbows, so she was a mess so she would take us in Arizona's kids to the pool and it was a local wooden L pool. It was a local local pool and should sit on that concrete hot concrete. This is a result of this before cool deck and I never really realized this until later but you know what you do she take these quarters inches so here we are, five, six, seven, eight, and we jump in and she throws 1/4 and we go down and get the quarter and come up in her hand would pop up out of the pool and until you every time I'm looking at this person. It was like I just came up with the Olympic gold medal and hey look at this mom not inevitably my dad didn't. I never knew my dad so but but it's that ability for us to lean indoor kids life and to really say to okay you know what I see such high-value in you and boy that could begin to totally change their life making the most of the time. We do have with the children because I think when both parents are working.

Obviously there's a good bit of the time they're going to be a part course when they're in the school if they're in the tumor in school and the parents are working on in the W part anyway. Left it's it's making the most of the time that we have right yeah absolutely. I mean, it's that we do live in a busy world where their sustainable moon is such a fast pace and yelled so you got so you got 10 minutes you get 15 minutes out being intentional to invest in that child to enter into their world and begin to ask the yelled that the five or 10 questions that you know about you often times I meet a lot of us have had over teenager soloing there very used to know those one-word answers.

But if we can just send her children down and enter into their world and and guess that sometimes it means that we just have to as parents we stayed to step back in and realize that you have worked hard and in and we had we get we had dinner to make a we have a release to that homework to do and it's already 9 o'clock but your point, Dr. Chapman, even if it's that 15 minutes a day that we can just devote our hundred percent attention to her child and enter into their world and man that is a that is a wonderful way of building a secure attachment and I'll jump in real quick to mean, we had three kids. My mother had three kids under three. When my dad bailed out. So how to get that will have a twin brother and my older brother.

She's working full time. So time was that at a premium of one of the things my mom did with each kid is and I didn't realize this till later, but you know my older brother. She would sit with him at the kitchen table and then have these long talks. You have my brother and have hot chocolate you have coffee you know well with me.

Should go do something with me as I had to be moved. I had to be moving. Jeff is the Brian Jeff made by twin brothers, the brainiac you know and she take should sit there while knelt back then it was Lincoln logs today.

It's you know it's it's you know they would put together something with Legos or something complicated right and so you look at who your kid is in you build attachment through that understanding of the Lord who did you create them to be train up a child in the way they should go look at that, you know, according to their bet who they are and so again it starts with this foundation that man bright eyes that says makes the heart glad whether there just picked 1/4 up off the floor or they'd come home and they were there facing a high hill and you can put your hand on their shoulder literally or figure figuratively and say well hey I know you gotta get through this. You all you gods you know with you. I'm with you and you we had. We help them become really self-directed, not just dependent but self-directed. That's what attachment can do to free him then to go on to the next thing which is to explore this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" were talking about how parents can help their children and our featured resources written by our guests.

Dr. John Trenton Dr. Dewey Wilson, the title of the book is the relationally intelligent child five keys to helping your kids connect well with others just got a five love so Dr. Wilson reviewed the second element we talk about in relational intelligence is the child's fearless exploration talk about that. Was it look like well when it fearless expiration and I think I'm giving example line is a Ted talk that that is done out there about something called explore or exploit.

Now, those of us that are in years and think about going to a restaurant. We want to go eat now us old guys at it, we we we pretty much locked in and you are 45 favorite restaurants and so there's not much expiration taking place. That point I can tell you that that Lynn and I mean we look at each other.

Go where you want to go eat, not what is going to fit into those those two or three restaurants that we consider our favorite within the something else called called explore and that's what children me. That's what they do, just naturally hear the enemy what was the first thing that most little poppers do when they pick up a foreign object which is a first thing they did they put it in their mouth and what they're doing is they do that is not that they want to figure out what they would taste like. In many ways they're exploring to find it. What is this object and so natural that they began to enter into that this is a strategic expiration at that point where they want to find out everything that's in their world, and all I can remember my bet that we have two daughters and in and like John and Cindy and our oldest daughter is also a doctor of nursing practice for she's the she's the one who is that it is always been that that academic child. We are younger child's. Not that she's not smart but what she is is is is she is she is what we call would call it an article retriever, but she loves to get out and explore.

And so what we still only born when she was going up she was very good at it. Sports and you know so she got there she tried that and then she'd say you know what that Dennis often have fun but she goes on to try this dancing thing is she when it we said okay and we realize it. She's a pretty good answer and but even watching her grow up from the ages of two and three all the way into the to the point where she took decided that she also wanted to sing and she really gifted in singing and that began to beget God's plan for her to go to college because you got a scholarship at that university would end in worship and now she she lays worshiping him in one of the local churches here so I can take that awfully back that very point in time where we we we said you don't want this child is at sea. She just likes expanding her world is not our oldest daughter didn't because she's more, she's more set in, and what she knows what she wants and shelves has but is just is just so fun to watch them explore the world and we had one of each as well yeah daughter at the age of eight. Said don't be a doctor when I grew up and Sue never wavered.

You know and learn that there was for her son was four years younger. He said you know Shelley is so focused.

She's missing out on a lot of life that is true it is. We still have a picture of our oldest daughter when she was maybe five or six. She's got her lab coat on in her glasses and her stethoscope around her neck and so it's like like your daughter. She just as he knew exactly what she wanted him you know there.

Here's the reality Gen Xers and boy. Guess what, they're the ones now with younger parents, you know, and millennial's, but what really Gen Xers to the reality is is that their kids are the most un-parroted generation ever. I mean they've got a screen to keep him busy. They've got all these kinds of things and here's what I get that they're the most protected generation these kids growing up, but they're the least connected and the more connected you are, then the less you're going you don't have to hyper connect. They already think about the world.

God bless these kids, we have a think you know in our brain just the way the gods wired us. You know in our limbic system. I'm walking the dogs. The other night with the given example market.the dogs another night here in Arizona. Is it spring time at which means is just under 100, you know that is just getting dark and I see over there a snake.

Okay, as I'm walking the dogs, and it's about a 3 foot wavy and dark and then I'm looking at it going all the way to minute is not really moving and then I realize okay.

It's really a tree branch okay and that's the way God will all year.

Guess what's what happened. Your kids all here's a threat.

Here's the threat here's the threat were all going to you know died. This is going to be in it. II understand is has been horrific and hard and difficult but guess who's really more concerned in all the studies. Now the older people you think with her closer to if they got Cova did be no there there ones would really be in trouble. Younger kids are actually younger people are the ones that are even more fearful than the older people so this whole Explorer thing again goes back to we need to help her kids realize you don't doubt me just push them out the door and say you know like we used to back when the lights are on you, but I do think we we really need to realize then build out attachment within with that, given the opportunity to explore and maybe they'll become like Dewey's daughter, not just a singer, but a worship leader or whatever it is, God has for now. It's exciting even to think about how God uses those early years to form a child and leave them in a direction eventually that where they can use the talents God's given them.

Yeah, but it does it does take parents who are willing to encourage that expiration right Yep yeah but how about the third element in relational intelligence and that is unwavering resilience when you know Dr. Chapman in that there was a study done in 2019, at Ohio State, and that in his state what they ask is they they wanted to find out just how resilient do we think we are and 83% of the Americans that took the survey believed that actually they possessed high levels of emotional and mental resilience.

At the end of this research. What they found was is that that it revealed that only 57% actually scored as resilient and so we had this this misperception if you will, or this this self graded the ability to think that were resilient, but in all actuality were not in.

I think of I think of resilience going up it that with me. I had dad that was a mean he thanked thankfully him.

He was both my parents were Christians and annual and I was raised in a in a godly home but but my dad was a man's man and you know he didn't that even if you if you failed. There are a few. If you fall down and you and you will be scansion. The one thing I can still remember him used to say is that you know what I had worsened that on the tip of my tongue stilted. It still could whistle a good song. You have it in in what is basically that the message that he was sending me is is that you don't stop Achilles too far from your heart to kill you as I want to think that he's a sale. And while Bill here I am thinking then you don't even care. Dad what that was. Teach me about is that you don't want. It's not about how you what happens when you fall. What is more about what you do to get up and keep persevering because life is going to throw as we all know there going there it throws us many things that many curveballs that we just take us swipe at and missing completely, but in the end of the day God created us to be able to get back up. I mean how many times in Scripture.

Do you see where where he enabled or allowed somebody to go through a difficult time only to once again be strengthened. On the other side is been said that there's three ways that we change. In verse 20 is is is that when we we know enough that we want to. When we have enough they were able to only one we heard enough that were forced to and you know I think Liz is Dr. Trent pointed out earlier is it so many parents today that that are just living in this fear that that and I can't allow my child fail because it resurrects them up in a bubblewrap in industry and that nothing can penetrate that and we seen the helicopter parents of yesterday become the snowplow parents of today and the week we have to teach our children that that failing Ganymede that be conscientious about what they the effort that they put into it. Whatever they do.

One is commitment in the day, it's okay to let her children fail, but is is also important that were there to assist him and to guide them and help them to pick them up as they as they as they get back up and go forward know Dr. Chapman. You've got people listening that are really all over the map summer grandparents number so they got grandkids there. Think about how can I help them be relationally intelligent others have teenagers or toddlers wherever you're out of the map, but there are some of us would have gone through a season with a kid where you know they've gone through kind of a prodigal thing and then let me tell you. I know with our I get the great awesome privilege of working with her older daughter Terry about tell you when she was in college right it works in graduate school for about four years. We just lost her in one of the things that so important about.

I think this whole concept of relational intelligence and you know just exploring but also helping kids just you know the resilient and get back up was you know when Carrie was going through this difficult horrible time and if you've ever had a prodigal that at some point, then men will he tell you is the old you know you're about as happy as your saddest kid you know I mean, but it was good. It was the ability. I think part of it is she looks back is you know she she says will dead you. I know I always felt like that.

I knew there was that attachment there. In essence that blessing I knew I knew you still valued me. I knew that you know that if I did you know I could come back and in only what it was amazing when she did, there was this sense of just kind of rediscovering. How do you relate well and and build resilience because sometimes trauma, which is what she was going through. We didn't really know all that she was going through.

It just sucks the life out of him. They just, you know, way down. They don't really move forward. So this relational intelligence to hit up help from all over the map, you know, not just when they're young and not just if there you're doing great but also just how to how to move forward in life. We hope today's program is encouraging you. I guess on this addition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman are Dr. Dooley Wilson, and Dr. John Trent they've written our featured resource the relationally intelligent child five keys to helping your kids connect well with others. Find out more at again, go to five love RA whether they were talking about the relational intelligence with Dr. Trent and Dr. Wilson. So let me ask you a document that the fourth element in that is wise decision-making.

How do we how do we help our children learn that skill well you know it is so easy to you know just think our kids are going to make always make right decisions, but there like us and they're not gonna. And boy, that's why we need a Savior. That's why we need to have the kind of love that you know that really helps kids realize you know it's it's it's not a bargain. You know the meaning get you know what you do this at all do that is the bond you know.

Hey you've got this bond of attachment you can go explore your world. If you do fall down. You can get back up and and and you know again that helps them make those wise decisions and and we go into detail little bit of the book on it. Well then you know you can help your kids by helping them process that and deal with with that but but wise could decisions Casey how they can all build off of each other.

Now they're gonna ready when they do fall down and they realize they can't get can get back up and then doing that leads to the next one.

You know, which is then all all of a sudden at that point. Now they're not only making good decisions, so that's like Carrie coming back in walking close to the Lord and back with us and now she's ready to go change the world, which is the last one right absolutely John you because know God created everyone of us with a purpose and he's given us all the kids he's given us all talents to be able to fulfill that purpose in our life and what better way to do that when you know that you got a secure attachment with you with the caregiver with the parent. This enabled us in the loudest explore war that I and our our goal becomes big but she is. We fall down we learn to be able get back up and then in and make those wise decisions and going backwards on the sand there that there is a physiological aspect that the part of our brain that takes risk. To me that's that's established early on as a child but did you know that the part of the brain that that determines and processes to consequences that part of our brain does even develop until were in our mid-20s and sometimes even into her 30s, and so but once we got a caregiver this walking along with this. In all these four aspects and then guess what you gotta you've got the ability now to look at your world and to know that God is created you for something bigger than this and that and with it, and what that is.

Is it is to us is to learn to serve each other and serve him well.

We don't have the stress of the other four then guess what you got the ability to do that and got way and that's really what we call future focused service.

I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord to give you a future and a hope and again relational intelligence is then the payoff is man, you don't go change the world for Christ. Gary is your did you ever think when you got an a bus and headed the Moody Bible you be doing what you're doing today. I mean it's just so much of it is just God opens those doors as we walk with him absolutely and he does that for our children and reminded of thirds for I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. That's the payoff for parents right yes absolutely. Well, as we come to the end of our session here. I want to talk about a little bit about this a personality assessment that you all have in the book, which is built specifically for to help parents and their children understand who they are and how they relate to the share share word about that assessment.

Yes, thank you have any other personality assessment that were that we encourage parents to use that will also take themselves and their children is called the connect assessment and the reason why we put this together is one is it so that we could identify what our individual strengths are as parents, but also what are the strengths and the tendencies of our children and often times we want to we want to discipline we wanted to serve other people or to grow other our children based on our strengths and what that ends up with it it it ends up in many ways, just a total disconnect and once again I view my oldest daughter is and she is what we want to call that that golden retriever beaver and what that means is she slower paced in the and that that she needs more time to make a decision, but don't. She's given the time to make those decisions. Man, that there most times are spot on.

But my personality is completely different than that.

And so I have a tendency to be more fast-paced and to lose patience when things are not moving along the way that I think they need to be moving along. So if I'm parenting based on what I perceive is to be important then then we got a disconnect between our children. So what this personality assessment does week we have actually have one for it. Here again, for the adults, but we also have one for the children that are for the ages. Say no to three all the way up to six what we do is we actually do that we want parents to be able to take that for their children. Based on what they see in their children, and these tendencies that we have another one from seven in the your child is from 7 to 12 than what we encourage parents to do is to is to take that with their kids, but have have interact with them and have a conversation with them about what the options for these 24 questions are, and at the end of it. What we want to do is want to provide for them a graph of whether they would split the what is there personality tendencies using the four animals that Dr. John created this which was the land article retriever beaver and we explain this in the book we give them more details about what each one of these animals represent and the system is just a great way for parents to begin to celebrate the strengths of their children all think our listeners will find that assessment to be really really helpful in putting into practice.

Some of the things were talking Malawi and with one question. If we don't push until that we if we but which I mean the Christian community in our culture if we don't push back on the disconnection that were sitting with our next generation. What's going to be the results. Well I think were already seeing a lot of the challenges that people are facing is do we yell started off mentioning anxiety is rampant, loneliness is epidemic and end I think Satan's dislike of that going.

This is awesome and so we need. I think save as a church, but we need the courage to really step forward and say boy. We do need to be that person that lives out what what is in a loving like Julie Jesus look like and I think it's relational sees a relational God were created for connection and again with midweek it, we can help change the world and help our kids but it's going to be through a relational map I think is how we get of their not not just you know an academic one guy etc. quick. I know it may be a short time, but you know I think also that what this can lead to visit is a is a more compartmentalization of our children and what you mean by that is enemies were hearing the term tribalism today and that's that the things that week that we get, compartmentalizing, and we stand firm on what we choose to believe and annually and if we don't if we don't connect with our children and go through these five elements then then those gaps are going to get in than compartments or just want to become more and more prevalent but yet God created us to live in a holistic culture and healing and celebrating each other's strengths and in indefinitely. Being able to train our children with Wilson, Dr. Trent, this is been a fascinating discussion, then this book I think will help parents greatly overcome the disconnect and loosing so many places in our culture so Thanksgiving with us today and thanks for your investment in running the hay.

Thank you greatly and with thank you very much. Such encouragement from Dr. John Trent Dr. Dooley Wilson today. "The 5 Love Languages" .com will see their book relationally intelligent child five keys to helping your kids connect well with others, again, just go to five love and next week how to have tough conversations speaking the truth in love military chaplain Charles Causey joined within one week. Thanks to our production crew Steve Lincoln Janice time Building Relationships. Dr. Gary Tam is a production radio station with many publishers.

The ministry in the Bible and thanks for listening

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