Relational Intelligence - Love is All You Need, Part 1

How is it that we can fall madly in love and know for certain that this love will last forever only to fall out of love, break up, separate, maybe even divorce?

Why is love so fickle? That's today on Living on the Edge. And I'm Dave Druey. And in this program, we continue our series called Relational Intelligence. You know, basic math is pretty simple, like A plus B equals C. But when it comes to relationships, you can add A and B and get all kinds of things besides C. The equation's just not that simple. Well, here's the question.

Why do we still go into relationships thinking that it is? We're about to find out. Now Chip's teaming up on this series with his son Ryan Ingram, who's a pastor of a vibrant, young church in California. So today we're going to hear from Ryan as he brings us part one of his message, Love is All You Need, from 1 Corinthians chapter 13. You really know someone and you're known by them, just not on the surface level. It's life-giving, like the people that you see, and you've maybe had a few friends like this, that you're just like, man, your just soul is refreshed by them.

That they're character shaping. You're just like, I want to be a better person because I'm with them and around them. And then it's just not a fair-weather friend, a fair-weather marriage, that it has this rugged commitment.

Like you know they're with you through thick or thin, through good times and bad. And the question is, how in the world do we experience or have those kind of relationships? What we need is Relational Intelligence or relational wisdom. Relational Intelligence is simply the skill of navigating relationships well. It's a skill to be developed and grown and honed in.

And it's different because I think what we live in, we live in the age of information. We get so much information and sometimes we think if we get more information, if we require more information, then that makes me better at relationships. No, it just makes you know more about relationships. But relationship intelligence is developing a skill. It's the application of the proper information or the right knowledge that we actually have to put it in to practice. One of the things I've talked to my kids, I like to coach, so I coach my kids in their sports and talk to them and say that practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent.

See, here's the difference. Practice does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. Practice makes permanent.

So whatever you repeatedly do, well, you will permanently do. And so the correct knowledge and information put into practice is so important, especially when it comes to our relationships. When it comes to our relationships and making sure, okay, God, you have designed us, you have created us, and so going to come to you and ask, okay, what is the wisdom that you have and how were to go about our relationships and how are we going to then put it in to practice? This morning we're talking about love and we're going to look at the skill of navigating love, not just romantically and all shapes and forms of it, but we say things like this, love will get us through. How are you going to make it? On love. I don't know. Do you have a plan?

No. But we love each other. We say things like the world would be a better place if we just loved each other. Love's what makes the world go round. Love is the most powerful force on the planet.

Or maybe this is more popular. Just love me. Don't try to change me. Just love me. We believe in love at first sight and as a culture and as a people we're constantly falling in and out of love. And what love has become is love has now become our trump card, hasn't it? See, we use love in this way. As long as I love them or as long as you love them, then it is okay. Who am I to stand in the way of love? Well, I fell out of love with them and I'm now in love with them so I can cheat on my cheat on my spouse or I can do this.

I can violate God's call and the way he designed relationships because I just love them and has become our trump card. Now in this conversation today about love, there is underneath it this modern love promise that's inherent in our conversation dialogue about love. It's what we buy into and the promise goes something like this, when I fall in love then everything will fall into place.

When I fall in love, oh wouldn't it be great to fall in love? And when that happens, everything will fall into place because love is what makes the world go round and you don't need a plan and just when you fall in love and you're like we don't really believe that but we believe that, that's kind of how it works. Said another way, when I find the right person then everything will work out right. When I find the right person, Mr.

Perfect, Miss Wright, when I find them then my life will work out right and it has this kind of progression to it. The modern love promise says find the right person, fall in love and then live happily ever after, right? I find the right person which is a challenge in the world we live in because how do you know if you married the right person or found the right person with eight billion people? It's a lot of choices to find the right person and then fall in love and then live happily ever after and the challenge is and you know it and I know it and we experience it, is what happens when you don't experience happily ever after?

See what we do is we reverse engineer the love promise. If everything doesn't fall into place then we fall out of love. Said another way, if everything is not working out right then I must have married the wrong person. And for some you've been married a year, six months, two years, the seven-year itch, it's a thing I hear.

And you look at them and you look at them like I don't really love them anymore. Things didn't fall into place. It's not working out right.

They must be the wrong person. Let me ask you this about love. If love is all you need, why isn't love more resilient? Like if it is the most powerful force on the planet, why isn't it more resilient?

Why doesn't it have a staying power? Why do we fall in and out of love so much in our culture? Why is love so fickle?

Why does it feel like one day you're in love, one day you're not, one day well she's the most amazing, then all of a sudden they're the most amazing? I think part of the problem has to do with the way that we like use the word love and then the way that we define the word. I think about the way that we use the word love in English because that's what I'm speaking English. I guess that's the reason I use that.

But we use it in all sorts of interesting ways, right? I love the Golden State Warriors. I love tacos. I mean, they're fantastic. I love Mexican food.

And then I love my kids. We use the same word and we know, we know we mean something different by it every single time, but doesn't it lose its grit? Doesn't it lose its power when we use that same word for so many different things?

Because the love that I have for my kids, the love that I have for my wife, the love that I have for my friends is far different than the love that I have for the Warriors. Not too different, but different. Or food. And then how we define love.

And I think this gets to the root of it, honestly. See, we define in our culture love as a noun. It's a thing. It's a force. In fact, Webster defines it this way. It's a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.

It's this attraction that includes sexual desire, a strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship, a person you love in a romantic way. And we've all probably experienced something like that before this force, right? Cupid drew back his bow and then pow, you're like knocked head over heels. You're like, what just happened?

I don't know. Love happened. It just hits you. It's this force.

It's this thing. And you know, you saw her across the gym or across the quad. You saw him across the coffee shop and you couldn't get them out of your mind. You went to bed just daydreaming like, oh my gosh, trying to figure out, okay, how do I strike up a conversation? And then you social media stalk them. And you're like, that's weird. But no, I could be their friend and then DM them and maybe say, hey.

And if they say, hey back, then maybe something might happen there. Or we've had that, maybe it's at a party, maybe it's on a trip or just a conversation happens and something ignited and you're like, ooh, you fell in love. And yet the challenge in what you see and what I see and what we experience is we're a culture obsessed with love, but we actually seem to have a love deficit when it comes to our friends, when it comes to our relationships, when it comes to the deep areas. So the question is, how do we have a love that's actually resilient, that stands the test of time, that can withstand the storms of love, that can withstand the storms of life?

How can we have a love that we go, yeah, that will last a lifetime. One of the amazing things about when the Bible was written, it was written in a time when Koine Greek was the dominant or trade language. And so across the entire Roman empire, you at least knew the trade language, which was Greek. And then you probably knew your own local dialect. For example, Jesus and his disciples spoke Aramaic and that was their native tongue. And yet they also would have spoken Greek because you had to know Greek as the dominant trade language to be able to communicate. And the great thing about Greek is they don't, it doesn't just have one word for love.

It doesn't just use one word and says, I'm going to use this for every single way. In fact, there's four words for love, and these are all important in our life. And yet there's only one of these that is to be the foundation. And so I, what I want you to do is be, as I begin to unpack these for you to begin to think about and evaluate which one of these words is actually my love foundation. This is the, this is what I'm building relationships upon. Not just dating relationships, not just marriage relationships, but relationships with coworkers and friends and neighbors. And you begin to go, okay, there is a foundation upon which you're building and you have to be understand, okay, which of these four loves am I building a foundation upon?

All of them are important. And so, but only one of them, we are to build a foundation to have a love that lasts. And so the first of the four loves is the one called storge. This is familial love. It's a natural or instinctual affection. This is a parent's love for a child. This is siblings love like brothers and sisters. It's the storge type of love. Now, when storge is your foundation, and we see this a lot with, especially parents and kids in our day, and maybe you've seen helicopter parents, right?

They just hover in my day. And some of you remember this, my mom would go, get out of the house. And here's what was amazing.

It'd be like eight years old, get on a bike and just go riding in the neighborhood. Why? Because it's like, because it's like, you'll be fine. And all of a sudden today we have these hovering parents. And what happens is when storge is your foundational type of love is that your kids are your life. Maybe you're in a family and you like, maybe if you're a college person, your family or your parents become your life.

And there's this idea of failure to launch as well. And what happens in marriages is kids, the marriage subtly begins to center around their kids. And so instead of investing in their relationship, they're just hovering and got helicopter. And then you have snowplow parents. Maybe some of you had snowplow parents. Maybe some of you are snowplow parents. What a snowplow parent is they just want to push all the obstacles out of their kids way.

They just want to plow it. And for a marriage or that's built on that, what ends up happening is it lasts until the kids get out of the house. And then one of the spouses suffers an identity crisis because their identity was in their kids.

And then the couple looks at each other and has nothing in common. Storge incredibly important familial love, but it is not intended to be the foundation of our love. The next is eros. Eros is the physical or sexual love, a deep feeling of attraction or sexual desire.

When we're talking about love in our culture, cupid draw back your bow, right? That part of it, we're talking about eros. We're talking about an eros type of love.

It is this physical, sexual, it's this moment. And it's, by the way, God's not down on eros. We tend to think that God's like, oh, pretty like, oh my gosh, oh, oh, you do that? Ah, no, he invented it.

It was his idea. And so we should take notes from him about how to go about our sexuality. In fact, he wrote an entire book, Song of Songs, all about romantic love and our sexuality. However, when eros becomes the foundation, what happens is a relationship, as a people, we become pleasure seekers, me centered and emotionally based. And, and as soon as that attraction diminishes, as soon as the passion begins to fade or dwindle, go, I just don't love them anymore. And it's never intended as important and beautiful and wonderful to be the foundation of our love.

You have storge, you have eros, and then you have phileo. Phileo is the friendship or companionship love. It's a close association and affection. I mean, I think one of the lost arts in our society today is the companionship and deep friendship.

Like this is a love that we need to dial up. It's an area where we don't do friends very well, and we live at a surface level. And for many, this is an area where you go and like, I need to invest more in my friendships. However, if phileo is the foundation, what it ends up doing is it creates a bit of a codependency on the other person. And you begin to look for that other person to fulfill or complete you and fulfill your needs. And this can happen, especially if you have a background, maybe you have a family background that's tough. So storge is hard. Maybe you have a background where eros is one of those that it actually does feel gross. It feels hard.

You're like, man, Ingram, you don't know what I've been through. And so then what happens is then we lean into the phileo side and that becomes our life source and connection. And these are all important. They're important to our friendships. They're important to our relationships.

However, they cannot sustain and last as the foundation of our love. And the last one, and many of you already know what the last one is. You probably wrote it in already in your notes.

The last one is what anybody? Agape. That's right. Agape is an unconditional, sacrificial love. A love marked by giving and not getting. It is other centered, unconditional saying, I love you unconditionally, which by the way, let me just explain this real quick. Unconditional doesn't mean there isn't boundaries to it. It means, and so every good parent understands this.

So let me explain. I love my kids unconditionally. And what we tend to interpret unconditional is you love me as I am. Don't ever change me or expect anything of me.

No, no, no, no. My kids, I get unconditional I get because I love them unconditionally. I want the very best for them. My love will never vary. And I see that there's activity and behavior in their life that will shipwreck them. And so my unconditional love says, I want to give you what is very best.

And I know that that attitude, that response, that direction of life is going to fundamentally harm you. See, it's agape is unconditional sacrificial love. A love marked by giving, not getting.

In fact, the apostle Paul in first Corinthians chapter 13 gives us this definition. And what I want you to do is as you listen to this, many times we just go, yeah, yeah, heard it before I was at a wedding the other day. And it's just that, you know, sweet love passage.

Like, would you hear this afresh? This is powerful. This is profound. This isn't like cutesy wedding-y. That's not a word, but you know what I mean? This is gritty.

This is real. In first Corinthians chapter 13, the apostle Paul says this, love is patience. Love is kind. In fact, he only tells us two things, which love is.

Now think about this. Don't you want a roommate that is patient and kind? Don't you want a coworker that's patient and kind? Wouldn't you like a boss that is patient and kind? Wouldn't you hope that your spouse is patient and kind? Okay, how about your kids?

Don't you want kids who are patient and kind? He says love, patience, this long-suffering, enduring, kind, gentle, tender. And then he gives us seven things that love is not. It does not envy. It's not jealous. Love doesn't look at your life and go, I want what you have. Or I'm upset that you have it.

Love doesn't look at someone else's Instagram game and go, I wish I had that. It does not envy. It is not proud.

Think about that. Love doesn't inflate one's own importance. It doesn't make it about themselves. It does not dishonor others. There's no shame in love. There's no guilt in love. There's no putting you down or wanting to make sure you're put in your place in love. It is not self-seeking. It's not about you. Or maybe said another way, it is not self-absorbed.

In the me-centrality that we live in, in our culture, it says it's not all about you. It's not easily angered. Irritated, annoyed, frustrated. Those are all words I use to say that I'm not angry. I'm just irritated. I'm annoyed. I'm frustrated, right? We don't like to say anger, but it seeps in so many different ways with our relationships.

It keeps no records of wrong. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and Ryan Ingram's teaching from his series Relational Intelligence. Chip's here with us and he's got some thoughts about the message you just heard, but before he gets to that, I hope you'll take a second to go online or tap share and encourage others to join us for this series too. Navigating relationships has never been easy, which is why Chip asked Ryan to come and share these messages that bring such practical applications to the daily challenges. Culture has a powerful voice that influences our attitudes and our thinking, so Ryan's fresh perspective on relationship building from a biblical point of view provides the tools you may need to make a few course corrections for limited time resources for Relational Intelligence are discounted and the MP3's are always free. To order your copy or to send it to a friend, visit us online at livingontheedge.org. For additional information, just give us a call at 1-888-333-6003.

Well now here's Chip with a quick word. I want to take just a moment to talk directly to those of you that are seeking a way to be more connected to the ministry of Living on the Edge. We're in need of partners who will take a step of faith and make a monthly financial commitment to the ministry. You may be thinking that because we reach millions of people through radio and broadcast and online and ministry resources that we probably don't need the money or that we're supported by all these people. The fact is it's a very small percentage of all the people who listen or do small group resources or do small group resources that actually give to the ministry. We depend on and we deeply appreciate those partners who make the decision to walk with us, especially with a monthly commitment.

It doesn't have to be a large amount. So let me ask you, would you please pray about becoming a monthly partner? Thanks so much in advance for whatever God leads you to do. If Living on the Edge is ministering to you and you've not yet become a monthly partner, would you consider doing that today? It takes a team to do what God's called us to do, and we're inviting you to help us help Christians live like Christians.

You can give a gift online at livingontheedge.org, tap the donate button on the app, or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003. On behalf of everyone here, thank you for your prayers and your financial support. Okay, Chip, let's get your thoughts about the teaching today. I don't know about you, but as I was listening to Ryan's message, it's so obvious that our romantic, idealized view of love is vastly different from the kind of love that Ryan was talking about. And I just want to pause, right, because it's such a big word and we're so inundated with this view of love. Maybe the first step is just to stop and ask ourselves, let's review what is love and what is it not?

And I love just the little research he gave us. There's storge love. Yeah, there's love that's a family love. There's eros love. Of course, there's this erotic, passionate sexual love. There's phileo love that's the love of deep friendships and companionship.

And then there's this agape love that is described in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, and where it's this love that's patient and kind and gentle, and it's exactly how God loves us and what he calls us to do in loving one another. And I think the big thing I got from today's message was love is a verb. It's a choice. I think somehow we've made it this ethereal feeling and that our basis of relationships and life and whether things are going right or wrong are based on how I happen to feel. Can I tell you that your feelings follow your choices?

Yes. When Jesus was in the garden and he was praying, Father, not my will but yours, and he knew the horrendous price that he would pay physically, emotionally, and far more spiritually as in that moment of time he would be separated in fellowship with the Father as he took your sin and my sin upon him. I want to tell you that he didn't feel like going to the cross to love you or love me.

He chose to go to the cross. Love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost. Now, here's our application for today. Who do you need to choose to love whether you feel like it or not? And as you make that step by the power of the Spirit of God and the grace of God, what I can tell you as you choose to forgive, as you choose to care, as you choose to reach out, God's grace and power and the real love will enter your life and begin to heal those relationships.

I want you to think of one person that you need to choose to love today and do it. Then let's watch God work. Just before we close, would you pray with us for those who are responding to Chipp's encouragement today? There's always a spiritual battle going on when people feel prompted to draw near and obey God. Thanks for taking a minute to do that. Well, until next time, for everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.