Relational Intelligence - You Deserve to be Happy, Part 1

Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, we all long to be known for who we really are, and we want to be known in ways that are life-giving, character-shaping. There's this commitment that we long for in a relationship over the long haul, I mean through thick and thin.

The question is, how do you find friends like that, a mate, a significant relationship? That's what we're going to talk about today. Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram on this international discipleship program. I'm Dave Drouie, and in this program, we continue our series called Relational Intelligence. We've been talking about the skill of navigating relationships in a way that honors God first and brings us blessing in the process. Now, in this program, we tackle that elusive gem called happiness.

Now, Chip's teaming up on this series with his son Ryan Ingram, who's a pastor of a vibrant young church in California. So today, we're going to hear from Ryan as he brings us part one of his message, You Deserve to Be Happy, from Psalms chapter one. You long, I long to know someone deeply and for them to know us significantly and fully, where this life-giving, like the friends where you're just like, ah, I'm around them and I know them and they just refresh my soul. And not just that, but you want to be a better person, like they're character shaping and you know that they're going to be with you through thick or thin. It's not a fair-weather friend and not a fair-weather marriage, but it has this rugged commitment.

And so we asked the question, how in the world do we have those kinds of relationships? And so we said relational wisdom is the key and that relational wisdom or intelligence is this skill of navigating life well. That is not just the acquisition of knowledge and yet wisdom is this skill, just like learning the skill of playing a guitar or shooting a basketball or swimming. It is a skill and so it's the proper application of the right knowledge. That there is this training and applying. For some, this is where the rubber meets the road and I was talking to a couple afterwards as we talked about the end of the series and they're like, it's actually not the end of the series, it's the beginning of the series because now it's time to apply it.

And I thought like, what a great response and it's true. It's you and I, we need to begin to apply the lessons that we've been learning about how to do relationships well. Now we started off with week one with this verse that said in Proverbs that there's a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. There's this way that appears to be right relationally, that appears to be right in how we go about our friendships, but in the end it actually leads to death.

It undermines the very relationships that we want. There's a way that seems right. There's a way that sounds right.

There's a way that even feels good. But in the end, and you know it and I know it, we've experienced it ultimately isn't good for us. And so we're concluding with what I believe is the advice that has shipwrecked more marriages, destroyed more friendships, and this bit of advice, it actually has caused people to really undermine their very future.

Because this has even more implications, not just relationally, but for decision making in all of life. And the advice is, you deserve to be happy. Doesn't that sound good? And we all go, yeah. And some of you are like, Ryan, don't mess with this one. Right?

Please. Okay, follow your heart. That was a hard feeling to swallow. Don't mess with you deserve to be happy because it sounds good. Seems good, but is it really good for us? Underneath that advice is this modern relational vision. It's actually a new way of like viewing all of relationships of the outcome or desire of what we want to see happen relationally. And the modern relational vision says this, your happiness is most important. This is what we've bought into as a culture that your happiness is most important. In fact, maybe let's make it theological.

Some of us would say it this way. God's will for your life is to be happy. God wants me to be happy. In fact, parents do this. If you ask a parent, what do you want for your kid? All I want for my kid is to be what? Thank you, guys.

I love that. Why? Because your happiness is most important. Put it in the relational context. The purpose of relationships is personal happiness.

The point of the marriage, the point of the friendship, the point of what dating is your personal happiness. Now let's define happiness, because the way we've defined happiness has shifted over the years. Actually, classically, the way you would define happiness, the way the ancients in Scripture would define it as well, but also just in classical thought had to do with this virtuous life. It's the well-lived life. It's the one where you look back on life and you're happy with it. Whereas when we define happiness today, it has to do with a deep sense of personal pleasure or satisfaction.

It is this, you know, pleasurable satisfaction of the moment. And so the purpose of relationships is this personal happiness. And so you exist for my happiness. I'm dating you.

I'm marrying you. I'm friends with you so that I'll be happy. Well, how do I be happy?

Here's our, you know, formula, if you will. When I get, and then you fill in the blank, then I'll be happy. When I get, when I finally find the right person, when I finally fall in love. When I marry her or marry him, then I'll be happy. And for some, you're like, when I'm not married to him and I'm not married to her, then I'll be happy. When I get the right job, when I get out of this job, when I'm successful, when I finally own a home. And others are owning a home, you're like, when I finally sell this home, when I finally move out of the area, this area is crazy and it's so insane. And so if we moved away, then I'll be happy.

When I build that lifestyle brand, like when I can travel the world and live, have people live vicariously through my pictures and I don't have to live through other people's pictures, then I'll be happy. And so then we give this bit of advice for people. Do what makes you happy. If the purpose of relationships is personal happiness, if the most important thing is to be happy, then you should do whatever makes you happy, right?

If it feels good, do it. In fact, we asked this question. Oh, my goodness. And this question has shipped more relationships. Do they make you happy? She just doesn't make me happy anymore. He doesn't make me happy anymore. And if the most important thing is to be happy, well, then I need to do what makes me happy. Do they make me happy?

No. The honeymoon stage wore off. And we do this with our friends, right? I just need to surround myself with people who make me happy. Well, if your friends don't make you happy anymore, then get new friends. And so we come to this conclusion. If I am unhappy, something must be wrong.

Now, let me ask you this. Why is it that happiness is so elusive? Why is it so fleeting? Why is it something that we're running after, we're pursuing, but we never quite get?

And if we do get it, it just vanishes so quickly. Why are our lives so full? And yet we live such unfulfilled lives. You know, I think there is a problem with happily ever after. You know, we talk about it in the fairy tales in the midst of living happily ever after.

And it's not just a fairy tale. It's what we desire, whether it's with in marriage or friendships or in work. We want the happily ever after, don't we? Like, I want the job that I work and it's happily ever after, you know, do what you love and you never work a day in your life.

Well, I guess I don't love this anymore because it feels like work today. The problem of happily ever after, Dr. Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and neurologist, many of you know, Holocaust survivor, famous writer. He said it is the very pursuit of happiness that thorts happiness. He says pursuing happiness. See, happiness isn't the problem. It's the pursuit of happiness that is the problem. Well, why does making happiness the end goal of your life a problem?

Well, three things I want to highlight for us. First, it tells us that difficult is bad. As someone once said, no, difficult ain't bad. It's just hard. See, we have subtly begun to believe a lie that if anything is difficult, it is bad and to be avoided.

This is hard. Well, listen to this. When happiness is our end goal, we'll never sacrifice. And without sacrifice, we'll never do anything of significance. See, we begin to believe that delay, discomfort, risk, inconvenience, obstacles could not be the will of God.

Because if God exists to make me happy and this is hard, it could not be his will. Dr. Tim Elmore talks about this in our current culture is where because of the technology and the life we're living, we're beginning to believe some things. He says in the age of speed, we've begun to believe that slow is bad. In the age of convenience, we've begun to believe that hard is bad. In the age of entertainment, we started to believe boring is bad. In the age of nurture, we're believing that risk is bad. In the age of entitlement, we're believing that labor is bad. The problem of happily ever after is first, it tells us that difficult is bad. That if I'm going through something hard, then I must get out of it.

It must be wrong. And yet we'll never do anything of significance or that's of worth if we don't go through difficult to get there. Secondly, it leaves us dissatisfied relationally. It leaves us dissatisfied relationally. This whole when if thing, when I get here, then I'll have this. The problem is, is when you get that, it doesn't fully satisfy, does it? In fact, I was talking with some friends that reached all their goals the other day. You're like, really? Yeah.

Mid 40s. This is what happens, especially with the high achievers. Financially, relationally independent met all their goals. And guess what? Common thread. Depression. Dissatisfied. Looking and longing for what's next. See, we think if we just got that job, if we had this, if we were able to finally travel wherever you want, go wherever you want.

Newsflash. I just sat across from someone who can travel wherever he wants anytime he wants and he's dissatisfied. Philip Cushman talks about the empty self. I think it's an accurate assessment of our culture today. He says the empty self is filled up with consumer goods, calories, experiences, politicians, romantic partners and empathetic therapists. The empty self experiences a significant absence of community, tradition and shared meaning, a lack of personal conviction and worth. And so it embodies the absences as a chronic undifferentiated emotional hunger. This absence is just this chronic hunger of the soul never satisfied. The problem happily ever after tells us difficult is bad. It leaves us dissatisfied relationally. And it creates a disillusionment with life, with others, with ourself and with God. It creates this disillusionment.

Now, think about this. If my purpose is to be happy and I am not happy, stay with me. Something must be wrong with me. For many, you believe that happiness is the most important thing. The purpose of life, the purpose of relationships is to be happy. And I'm not talking, I want to be clear, on the clinical side of things, but the widespread anxiety, the widespread angst that we're seeing amongst this generation has to do, I think, with misplaced end goal of what life is all about. If it's all about being happy and I'm not happy, all of a sudden this internal angst, something must be wrong with me.

I must be broken. Think about it, parents, as we have said, all I want from my kid is to be happy. And that kid doesn't feel happy. They feel like they've let their parents down.

And in this weight that they feel underneath. Well, if God exists to make me happy and I'm not happy, then God has let me down. And the problem with happily ever after is it creates a disillusionment because it's the wrong purpose or goal for our life.

J.P. Moreland and Klaus Eisler write in their book, The Lost Virtue of Happiness, that happiness is having an internal feeling of fun or pleasurable satisfaction. And if it is our main goal, where will we place our focus all day long? The focus will be on us and the result will be a culture of self-absorbed individuals who can't live for something larger than we are. As parents, we will then view our children as a means to our own happiness. Marriage, work and even God himself will exist as a means to make us happy. The entire universe will revolve around our internal pleasure and me. You deserve to be happy. And yet in a culture of abundance, why is it so few are? Why is there such a restlessness and angst in our souls?

Could it be that we have the wrong end goal? Now, happiness itself isn't the problem. In fact, let me ask a better question for us, not how do I make sure I'm happy in life? I want to make sure I'm happy.

I want to make sure I get mine. But listen to this. How do you make sure that you end up happy with your life? Have you ever thought about that? Like when you look back, maybe you're 60 years old. Some of you are like, will I ever be 60?

Yes, you will. When you look back and you look at the decisions you made, you look at the relationship you had, you look at the life you live, the character you have, and you would go, wow, I am happy with my life. There is a difference between pursuing happiness in life and looking back and truly being happy with your life.

Call this the law of happiness. And Psalm 1 unpacks the law of happiness and how we are to go about our lives in such a way that when we look back, we go, wow, I'm so happy with my life, with the decisions I made, with the relationships I had, with the person I became. If you got your Bibles, would you open up to Psalm 1? We'll pick it up in verse 1.

It begins this way. The author says, blessed, underline that word blessed, is the one who does not walk and step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers. He begins this psalm, the very first psalm of the Psalms, Psalm 1. It's a wisdom psalm, meaning that's going to teach us about how to live life well.

And he says, you want to know about how to live life? Well, he starts off with happy. Blessed, right? No, that's the word blessed, Ryan. Actually, in the Hebrew, there's a very specific word for blessed.

This is not it. This word means happy. In fact, right up above it, happy.

The psalm says this, happy. Happy are those. You want to be happy? You want to look back and be happy with your life? I'm going to share the law of happiness, how you go about this, so that you can look back 10 years, 20 years, 30 years from now and go, oh, man, I'm so happy. It was hard in the moment.

I'm so glad we did it. See, that's the type of life. The happy life.

He says happy. Now notice this is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked. You circle that word wicked. Now, when we think of wicked, we think about the worst people on the planet, right? You're like the wicked.

And you can just kind of like have a few different people from history maybe show up in your mind that are wicked. And you're like, OK, that's wicked. So like, I don't really have friends that are wicked. Let me define wicked for you. The wicked are those who live as if there is no God, biblically. The wicked are those that live as they are the very center of the universe. Life is all about them and they live for now. See, I would say there's a lot of people who call themselves Christian, who live as if there is no God, that they believe they're the center of the universe. At least they act that way.

And they live for now, not recognizing that there's eternity. See, what he's saying is happy. A truly deep, resonant, happy people are ones who do not live as if they are the center of the universe, as if there is no God, as if now is all there is. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and Ryan Ingram's teaching from his series Relational Intelligence. Chip's here with us and he's got some thoughts about the message you just heard. But before he gets to that, I hope you'll take a second to go online or tap share and encourage others to join us for this series, too. Navigating relationships has never been easy, which is why Chip asked Ryan to come and share these messages that bring such practical applications to the daily challenges.

Culture has a powerful voice that influences our attitudes and our thinking. So Ryan's fresh perspective on relationship building from a biblical point of view provides the tools you may need to make a few course corrections. For a limited time, resources for Relational Intelligence are discounted and the MP3s are always free. To order your copy or to send it to a friend, visit us online at livingontheedge.org.

For additional information, just give us a call at 1-888-333-6003. Chip, great teaching from Ryan today, and I know you want to talk about it. But before you do, could you take just a minute and talk with us about the increasing pressure Christians are facing?

I mean, you're in contact with a lot of people. Now, what do you see happening? Well, Dave, I would say that America has made a major pivotal shift. And I think as Christians, we see two responses, neither of which is going to bring about long-term positive change. And one is a combativeness, an anger, a sort of the culture is the enemy. And the other is what I call instead of being combatant, we capitulate. And so go with the flow, you know, who am I to judge, let's just all be loving.

And so the one has truth with no grace, and the other has grace with no truth. And so there's never been a day when we need to do more, and we can't do more without the prayers and the financial support of our Living on the Edge partners. And so if you've never given to Living on the Edge, let me tell you, now is a wonderful, wonderful time. We will be true to Scripture, and we will be true to equip people to live out both grace and truth and the power of the Holy Spirit. So thank you for those of you that support us. Please continue to do so. And for those of you that have not, I would highly encourage you, get on board today. We can make a difference together. Well, if that mission resonates with you, we'd love to have you join us. Helping Christians find the balance between truth and grace and the boldness to speak up in love will change the world we live in.

Now to send a gift to support the ministry of Living on the Edge, just go to livingontheedge.org, tap donate on the app, or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003. And thanks in advance for following God's lead. As we close today's program, I want to really encourage you to be with us next time for the rest of Ryan's message. Because we need to keep in mind that we all have this tendency, right? We're all filled with this sort of leaning, this bent for our own personal happiness.

I mean, we're living in a world that has told us that you deserve a break today, and life is about you, and if you're not happy, something is wrong, or the world is wrong. And the fact of the matter is that I need, and you need, to think about our friends, our roommate, our spouse, our children, our relatives, our co-workers. And then lean back just for a moment, if you will, and ask yourself these questions.

Do I approach those relationships, and do I filter those conversations, and do I make the assumptions about their actions around, are they making me happy or not? And if the answer is yes, we need to pause. We need to pause and do some real soul searching and say, Oh my, somehow we have drifted into making our whole world about, am I happy? Am I fulfilled instead of, am I serving? Am I caring? Am I loving? Am I a contribution to them that makes them happy?

Because the fact of the matter is, is Jesus was absolutely clear on this one fundamental issue about all of life and relationships. Give, and it'll be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, back into your lap, for the measure or the way in which you give, it'll be poured back to you. And what I want you to know that if the goal is for you to be happy, you will come up dry and empty.

And if your goal is by the power of God to give, to care, to be a friend, to share your life, to share your resources, it's in that journey that you will find true happiness. God has a different plan, and our next broadcast, Ryan is going to help us experience it. At Living on the Edge, we're happy to let you know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa Echo and Echo Dot. Just say, Alexa, open Living on the Edge, and you'll hear that day's extended teaching anytime you want. Well, for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.