Relational Intelligence - Love is All You Need, Part 2

What would have to happen in your most important and intimate relationships to make them a 10? I mean a 10, not an 8, not a 9, a 10.

Second, what would you have to do to make them a 10? Want to find out? Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram on this international discipleship program. I'm Dave Druey, and we're in a series called Relational Intelligence.

You know, something Chip says often is you can't give away what you don't possess. Well, what you're about to hear is going to bring that home in a way that may actually make today the best day of your life. Chip's invited his son, Ryan Ingram, to share this message with us, and right after Ryan's teaching, Chip will be here in studio with some very special follow-up you don't want to miss. Well, let's get going and join Ryan Ingram for part two of his message, Love is All You Need. My wife and I go to counseling once a month, and it's just this time for us to really grow and develop as a couple. And there's times when we're hanging out on the drive.

It's about a 30-minute drive to where we go, and we're talking about, hey, what are we going to talk about? And my wife will kind of jokingly say, well, you probably have a list. And I do, because I write in a journal, and I'm like always writing stuff down, and I'm like, oh, I don't know how to deal with that. Let me write this down, or Jenny did this, and that kind of annoyed me, and I want to see what Sue has to say about that. And she's like, and then they're like, love keeps no record of wrongs.

There's no like tit for tat. There's no like, hey, you did this, and you did that, and I'm holding this over you, and look at you, and I'm going to keep a record, and I'm going to bring it back, and I'm going to keep reminding you of how you felt. I'm going to keep reminding you of how you screwed up.

I'm going to keep reminding you of how you just are. And so love says no. Love does not do that. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, means it's safe, always trust, always hopes. This is what you are invited to embrace as the foundation of your love. First, that love is not a noun. Love is a verb. It's an action.

It's not a force. Love is a choice. This is how love behaves.

It's not dependent upon your feelings. He says, this is what love does. If you want to know what love is, this is just how it looks to be loving. This is how love behaves. In fact, when I counsel newly engaged couples and talk to them about their wedding, I take them to this passage, and I say, I want you to write this out for the other person and personalize it, because when you say I love you, we're not talking about love the feeling.

We're not talking about storge or fileo or eros. When you are committing love, you're committing agape. You're saying I agape you. And here's what that looks like. I will be patient with you. Even when you leave all your crap all around the house and it's driving me up a wall like you got to get personal.

What does it look like? It's a verb. It's a choice. Now notice this love is not a doormat and love is not a dictator. I see love is not to be walked all over to accept abuse. Notice that love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It says I stand on the side of what's right and true. And I'll stand up for that because that's what's best for you and for me. And I'm not going to allow you to bring abuse or heartache or pain in here.

And it is not a dictator. Love does not demand its rights. And most often the way this happens, whether it's in friendships, dating, even at work and in marriages is we tend to manipulate others.

We try to manipulate them. We call it love, but it's really not a love marked by giving. It's a love marked by getting. And we do it in our relationships all the time.

I will do this in order to get this. Agape love is a love marked by giving, not getting. See the modern love promises, when I fall in love, everything will fall into place. Relational Intelligence says it's less about falling in love. And it's far more about growing in love. It's less about falling in love. And there's a moment to fall in love.

There's a moment, so don't hear me, Ingram, he hates romance. No, that's wonderful and good. It's just not foundational for any great relationship. And it's far more about growing in love. So how do you grow in love? How do you build a foundation on agape love? I'm not going to grow in love. I'm not going to grow in agape love.

I'm so glad you asked. Turn your Bibles to Ephesians chapter five, verse one, and we're going to talk about increasing your love quotient. How do you grow in love?

In fact, in this text, you're going to see three different forms of the verb agape in this text that's going to help us unpack how do we actually do this? Because if you're like me and you read that love thing and you're like going like, man, that's overwhelming. That ain't me. I want that to be true. I want that to be true of the people in my life and the co-workers.

I want to be that, but I don't know how. Notice what the apostle Paul says. He says, be imitators of God. Circle that word be.

It's a command. This is where to imitate him. Therefore, as dearly loved children, underline dearly loved, as dearly loved children live a life of love. Circle the word live.

We're going to get to that in a second. Be imitators of God. Therefore, as dearly loved children live a life of love. How? Just as Christ loved you, underline that, loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Okay. How do we increase our love quotient? How do we grow in love? The first is we need to embrace that we are dearly loved. That you're dearly loved.

The Greek word here is agapetos. It's the object of one's affection, having a very special relationship, beloved. This is embracing your identity and your tradition in Christ. You're not working for love. You are loved. You are profoundly and perfectly loved by your heavenly father right now in this moment.

Nothing you can do will ever change that. Whether you have a good day or a bad day, his love does not vary at all. He loves you. Period.

Notice this. There is something in you that God loves and if God loves you, then you must be worthy of love. It's popular in our day to talk about self-love.

I don't want to diminish this, but the way the conversation is going is it goes something like this. I got to love myself first in order to be able to love you. I just got to love me.

In fact, in my research, I remember seeing this. I love you, but I love me more. It's like the modern love phrase, like interesting. But we live with this. I got to love me.

I got to have me. And what that is, let's just unpack this. If you're starting with a love deficit and you're trying to love yourself more, you have nothing to give yourself.

It is starting with God. See, to live a life of love, we first have to understand we're loved. Not that you love yourself more, we'll get to that, but that you are profoundly loved, that God just loves you.

You can't give to others what you have yet received. And he says, I love you. You're my beloved. You're adopted child of the King Most High. You're loved. And everything you do flows from that, your identity, your position, embrace, embrace that you're dearly loved. See, one of the most destructive things in our culture today with relationships is looking for the other person to complete or fulfill us. They can never complete or fulfill you.

But when your identity is secure, you're no longer having a love that is need based. I need you. I need this. I need that.

No, no, no. I am fully loved, complete. And so I can give love. How do we grow in love? First, embrace that you are dearly loved.

Second, did you see it? Commit to living a life of love. As dearly loved children, live a life of love.

And that word I had you circle B, it's a command. Be imitators. It's the picture of a little kid imitating their mom or their dad. Mimicking what they do, their hand gestures and all the different idiosyncrasies that they have. And saying in the same way that you have been so well loved by your heavenly father, mimic him. Mimic him. Begin to put it into practice. It's that live a life of love.

That's a command. Commit to it. See, we grow like, you know what, we want to grow on this, but I'm waiting until I feel like it.

You know, when I feel like it and eventually when I feel like it, then I'll start to do it. Agape, let me give you just a little further definition of this, the self-giving sacrificial love that gives the other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least. See, first you start with I'm dearly loved.

I have all that I need from my heavenly father. Now I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna make a choice to love. The wedding picture when a couple is standing up and proclaiming their vows, a lot of times when we think about it is we think about it as professing love, and it certainly is. They're professing their love for one another, but something that's happening that's even more profound and it's missed a lot of time is they're not just professing love, they're promising future love. They're making a commitment of future love in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in good times and in bad times. I am making a commitment to you that my love, this agape love, is what I'm choosing to respond to, and when I don't, I'll own it. But I'm promising that circumstances will not change it.

I'm making this commitment. Well, you're like, well, what about like feelings? You've been kind of down on feelings. No, no, no. See, love is not devoid of feelings.

It's just not defined by it. And we tend to define our lives by how we feel. And he says, first, you should feel awesome. You're loved. You're beloved. And if that just sunk in like a little bit, your whole world would change.

Like, you can go like, man, this is crazy. The God of the universe, the one who spoke all things into existence, like that God, he says, I am the object of his affection. Like Zephaniah would say that he's like rejoicing over you with singing. Like, if you just got that for a little bit, you'd just be walking around like, I'm so confident.

Not cocky, confident, right? I'm loved. And so I'm committing to give to you the type of love I received from my heavenly father. And by the way, that's the exact way Jesus has loved you. 1 Corinthians 13 is an expression of how God has loved you.

And for us, it's not just committing to a life of love. We have to rely on Christ's love to empower you. He says, just as Christ loved.

It's the Greek word agapao. I love how Ephraim Smith defines this. He says, it's the unconditional love of Jesus in us that is flowing through us to be a force of transformation around us.

The unconditional love of Jesus in us that is flowing through us to be a force of transformation around us. See, as we sit back and we look at that and we go, man, that agape love, I can't. That agape love with my coworkers, man, she is just really on my case.

He is just really tough. Like every meeting is a struggle. I can't agape them. And he says, you can't, but he can through you. Would you rely on Christ empowering love working in you? You know, with my roommate and with my spouse, it was like, oh, it's been a rough season.

Oh man, they are in a mood. Like, I can't. You're right. You can't, but he can through you. See, the gospel is this. The gospel is that God loves you, that he meets you right where you are, that when you cry out for your need for him, he meets you. And he says, he will deposit the spirit of God inside you. You are now adopted into the family of God. You're marked among the beloved. That is your identity. And you're marked among the beloved. That is your identity. And then you have the spirit of God, the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwelling inside you to empower you to live out a radically new life. And far too many of us are walking around weak and feeble, going like, I can't, I can't.

Just to own it. Yeah, of course you can't, but he can through you. And it looks something like this. I shared it a few, like, I don't know, a month ago or something like that is, you know, that love is patient. I got to get growing on that too. But the kind part, and it's not being kind to strangers. I'm pretty good at that. It's being kind to the people closest to me, my kids. See, love is really challenged in the unguarded moments.

We're good at loving people when we're kind of on, but it's those unguarded moments that are generally the people closest to us, whether it's a friend or family or spouse. And I go, God, I want you to develop in me gentleness or kindness. It's actually a food of the spirit. So I know that when I rely on the spirit, you're going to actually produce that in my life. And I have this little three by five card. And each morning I review it, I reviewed it this morning. And at the top, it says this, husbands love your wives. And I write in her name, Ryan Love Jenny.

How? Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, up for her. Like your role is to sacrifice your life for your wife, not to dominate, but to lay down your life going, okay, what does it look like? Okay, God help. Like I, in and of myself, I can't do that. And underneath it, I have the first Corinthians 13 passage love is and going, and it's a prayer in the morning, each and every morning of like, I want to reorient my mind around what's true and invite you to have your way in me.

Holy Spirit, would you empower me to be that kind of man? And then you take the next step. You just take the next step. Say God, I don't know how to love this person. I don't know how to love that coworker.

I don't know how to love my roommate. I don't know how to love and you just go, but I'm going to rely on you. And so I'm going to take the step. I know that love's calling. I know that love asked me to do, and I'm going to trust that you're going to empower me as I take that step.

See, we don't take the step. We're going like, God, would you empower me? Would you empower me? Would you empower me? You just take the next step. You go, I know what love calls me to. I'm asking, would you empower me? And I'm going to take that step.

It's what Paul would say in Galatians, walking in step with the Spirit. And so let me leave you with this. This is just simply what love asks.

Would you begin to ask this to help you know what are the steps you need to take, whether it's with your friends, with your coworkers, with your ex? What is the highest and best for the other person? This is just the question love asks. What is the highest and best for your friend, for your boyfriend, for your girlfriend, for your spouse, for your ex, for your coworkers, for your kids?

What is the highest and best for them? And then you go, okay, I'm going to remind myself I am fully loved. This is my identity, love. This is my identity. So I don't need love from them. I'm going to choose to do what is the highest and best. And I'm going to invite the Spirit of God to empower me to do that. The thought that went through my mind over and over as I was listening to Ryan talk about this supernatural agape love is that you can't give away what you don't have.

I do understand I've pastored for over 30 years. There's hurts. There's wounds. They're in families. They're in marriages. They're toward fathers, toward sons, daughters, in-laws, coworkers, people at church. There's all kind of hurts and pain. And this message to love unconditionally is actually impossible apart from having that love dwelling inside of you.

And what we know at Living on the Edge is that a significant number of people who listen to our broadcast, listen to a podcast, go online, are not necessarily followers of Christ, but people that are interested in growing, who want to be better people, who are listening and seeking. And I want to tell you today is that the best principles in the world will not heal your relationships until your own heart is healed. And that God would say to you, I want to forgive you. I want to give you a new heart. I want to put my love in you so that you can love in ways that I've talked about. And so if you have never received Jesus as your savior, can I encourage you right now, this minute, regardless of what you're doing or where you are, to stop and just say to him, Lord, I can't love like this. God, I desperately need you. Will you forgive me of all my sins right now? I want a personal relationship with you. I'm asking you come into my life, forgive me and make me your son, make me your daughter.

I'm going to turn away from my way, and I want to follow your way the rest of my life. And as you do that, God loves you. He loves you. God loves you.

He wants to fill you with his love by his spirit. And if that's the intent of your heart, can I encourage you? Call or text the greatest Christian you know, the person who lives it out the most clearly this weekend. Find a church that teaches the Bible and go there and go online or give us a call and let us give you some resources to help you right now to take your first steps to let the love of Christ fill your heart and your life and to change it forever. If you prayed with Chip, I hope you'll take a minute and call us at 1-888-333-6003. We'd love to hear your story and get a free resource in your hands that will help you understand the significance of your decision and then give you a couple of next steps on your journey. That same resource is available if you tap special offers on the app or go to the new believers tab on our website, livingontheedge.org.

We just want to help you get started and say welcome to the family. Well, Chip, the title of this message is love is all you need. You know, we hear that all over the place and in one sense it's true, but in another sense it's really not. Now, how would you clarify the two? Dave, love is all that we need, but we first must receive it from God before we can give it to others.

I think that's the major point. We look for love in fame, in money, in sex, in what other people think, in career, in accomplishment, and all of those things end up wanting. The fact of the matter is until we renew our mind and not just intellectually believe that God loves us, but believe deep in our heart and our belief system that we are that we are valued, wanted, chosen, secure, beautiful, and called with a purpose by the God of the universe, it's only when that gets from our head to our heart, then we're able to give love without expecting in return.

We can give love unconditionally because we've received it, and that only happens when we get into God's word and renew our mind where He teaches us specifically, this is how I see you because of the work of Christ. And what I would invite all of our listeners to do right now is to join me for daily discipleship with Chip. I will meet with you personally going through Ephesians 1, 2, and 3 where you can discover your true self. You can discover how much God loves you so you can have relationships that really work because you're not trying to get something because you don't need their approval.

You don't need their affirmation for your life to work. If you'd like to join these short daily video sessions with Chip, sign up today. Each video session will only be about 10 minutes, and as the course progresses, Chip will walk you through how to read scripture and how to hear God speak directly to you through the first three chapters of the book of Ephesians. Now to sign up for daily discipleship with Chip, visit us online at livingontheedge.org. For more information, just give us a call at 1-888-333-6003. Well, that wraps up this program. Until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.