#400 My Toughest Issue as a Caregiver? Knowing What is Mine ...and Not Mine.

You know, it seems to come at us so fast, and we start seeing all these injustices.

We start seeing all these things that are so painful to watch, and they frustrate you, they get you angry, and then we want to insert ourselves into the story. And how is that working for us as caregivers? Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

I am Peter Rosenberger. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. If you want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. I'm watching this thing with General Flynn. I'm watching, you know, how the coronavirus is taking over with what we're doing. I've watched now this thing in Georgia that's come up and there's just so many different scenarios out there where we see injustice and we see this. It's just unfair. There's a lot of unfairness. And I thought that's a feeling that a lot of caregivers get.

We get that. It's just unfair. How do we get vindicated in this? Have you felt like you have been wrongly treated on this, on something as you journey through a caregiver, through this journey as a caregiver? Do you feel like that you are somehow being cast as someone who has been wrongly accused, who has been treated poorly through this process and nobody is coming to your defense? A lot of caregivers I've talked to feel this way. I have felt this way.

And there's something about us that just rises up when we see this. It just swells up within us and we want to lash out and we want to say, this is not right. This isn't right.

This is not cool. And we are easily tempted to go down the self vindication path, but a lot of times with anger. I have felt this way. I have gotten into that mindset and I think sometimes that our desire for that type of vindication becomes a lozenge we kind of suck on all day long because it keeps us kind of stirred up and it makes us feel better or stronger. Anger and resentment can be a very delicious sin. And we can just fester on it. And there's a lot of injustice in this world. So I want to start off with a couple of scriptures, Proverbs 20, 22. Don't say I'll avenge that wrong.

Wait on the Lord and he will deliver you. Do you find that comforting or frustrating? Because you're like, come on Lord. And sometimes things don't get vindicated in our timeframe and sometimes even this lifetime. And that becomes incredibly frustrating because we're like, God, where are you?

How long? Oh Lord. But now do we pray that prayer with the sense of the sovereignty of God, or do we pray that prayer with a sense of indignation at God for not fixing these things and what is our responsibility? How much are we supposed to put energy wise into the wrongs that we see on a regular basis? You know, I look at this thing, for example, with General Flynn and we were watching the news last night and Gracie kind of teared up. She said, I cannot believe that this is happening in America where we have our top law enforcement is engaged in these kinds of things.

Where we had, it looks like it goes all the way up to the top. And these are concerning things, but how much control do I have in that? What can I do? What is my responsibility? Is this my responsibility? As a citizen of this country, is my opinion necessary? And these are the questions I feel like as a caregiver sometimes I have to wrestle with.

What is mine and what is not mine? I've said this for years. I remember a reporter asked me a question sometime ago.

What's the hardest thing for you as a caregiver? Now, you know my resume, those of you who listen to this show, I've been doing this a long time, 34 years. Gracie's had 80 surgeries that I can count. A hundred doctors have treated her and 12 hospitals. I mean, this thing has just been going on for years and years and years and years. And we've got an issue we're dealing with right now.

She just got over the coronavirus, but we've got something else going on with one of her legs and that it's just, there's always something. And this reporter said, well, what's the greatest challenge you face as a caregiver? And I, in a moment of clarity was able to answer to know what is mine and what is not mine to fix, to know what is mine and not mine to deal with and address. And sometimes I think it makes me feel a little bit more powerful if I will take on things that aren't mine and wield my opinion into it, or if I will irrationally grab a hold of things. And this, I cringe when I say this, okay, that this is just us talking.

Okay. So don't just, I just cringe when I say this, but I remember one time coming home, we were at the hospital all day long and it'd been a brutal day. And, and I get home and, and I'm in the kitchen and it's dinner time and the kids need to eat. And it just, it was just one of those kind of days.

And Gracie was in her wheelchair at the time. And she said, would you like for me to help fix dinner? And I remember just slamming the cabinet door and I said, no, I'll do it. I barked out.

No, I'll do it. I gotta be in control of something. You ever feel that way? That you just feel like you're so out of control. And then we become unreasonable, irrational, bitter, angry people.

Yeah, I've been there. I don't know that I'm ever going to be free of that until we get to heaven. I think that's something I'm going to have to fight against that I somehow got to be in control of something. So when I watch all these injustices going on and I want to insert myself into it, I have to step back and say, okay, is this mine to go after? What is my role here?

What is my responsibility? There are a lot of injustices out there. And just because I'm being bombarded with a couple of them on the news, does that mean I need to stay churned up about all these things to the point where I am inserting myself into the story? You ever been involved in a church fight? There ain't no fight like a church fight. And, um, I've had the sad opportunity to do that a couple of times and see these churches go through splits.

And I remember, um, a pastor friend of mine was, was, uh, going through this, such a thing. And it was, it was just such injustice there. And I got very angry with it and I stayed angry and I weighed into it and I, and I spewed for some of these things and I, and I, and I wanted to, and I was able to take good direction and good, uh, insight, but then I weaponized it, made me feel more powerful, made me feel better.

I, I, how dare they? And, and I, it put me in my mind on the, on the moral high ground. And sometimes all we can do over these things is just grief and mourn over them and trust that God is working in it. Is that hard for you? I mean, it's hard for me. I don't know. Maybe I'm the only one, but that's, that's not an easy thing for me. I'd like to know what you think about that.

888-589-8840. What is mine and what is not mine? Do I trust God to right the wrongs that I see on a regular basis? What about the wrongs that I don't see?

Am I just as outraged about those? There are a lot of injustices out there. How do I deal with this?

How do I fix this? And as a caregiver, what are you struggling with that you feel like you've been the victim of these things? These are not easy things to deal with. And yet this is part of our journey as caregivers. Welcome back to Hope You're a Caregiver here on American Family Radio 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. If you want to be a part of the show, that's Gracie singing. My life is in your hands.

Do we believe that? By the way, if you want a copy of that CD, it's very easy. Go out to hopeforthecaregiver.com and click on the music tab. There it is right there. Hopeforthecaregiver.com and you'll be able to get it for donating to support this ministry for this show.

Any amount will send a copy of it. All right. Hopeforthecaregiver.com 888-589-8840. Do you believe that though, that your life is in your hands? I mean, your life is in his hands. I believe that my life is in my hands and that's a wrong belief. But do we believe that our life is in his hands? Even the injustices that we feel, even the things that we feel are just outrageous, that we have been mistreated, maltreated, or we see other people that, and we want to somehow jump to that, this sense of spiritual and emotional vigilantism, that is this our responsibility?

I look at this thing in Georgia. I mean, there is no excuse for this. There's no provision for what happened to this young man.

But I see a picture of myself in that, in that somehow I've got to somehow go out and write what I think is wronged or do things that I think is necessary. And I don't care what this guy was doing. There's no excuse for what they did, what these two men did to shoot this guy down in that sense. There was nothing like that.

There was no provision for that in Georgia law, like Abraham was just saying on the show prior to mine. And we're waiting for all the facts and everything to come out. But the point is, is that people are trying to insert themselves into things out of their own bitterness, out of their own hatred, out of whatever.

And in real life, people are getting hurt. I look at this thing with the FBI and they just got mad because their candidate didn't win an election. And so they have weaponized where they were at the FBI to turn on these things and go after General Flynn and whatever Trump.

It doesn't matter whether you like Trump or don't like Trump. When you weaponize the FBI and the intelligence gathering service in this country to accomplish your own sense of what you think is right, bad things are going to happen. We see that on the news, but what if it gets close to home and personalized and we weaponize things? I have been guilty of weaponizing the word of God. I've received blows from people who've weaponized the word of God. Maybe you have too, where people come up and just want to just bludgeon you with scripture and somehow castigate you because you don't have enough faith and your loved one be healed.

All these kinds of things happen. These are not pleasant things to deal with and they're out there and they're happening on a regular basis. So I'm asking you as a caregiver, how are you dealing with this? What do you struggle with in this thing?

Is this something you feel comfortable even talking about? And I go back to what I did that night. I slammed the kitchen cabinet door and said, I've got to be in control of something. Do I need to be in control of something?

I mean, that's embarrassing for me to say that. I cringe when I recall that, but I keep seeing myself doing the same thing where I want to insert myself in a form of control to make myself feel better because I feel so out of control. Do we trust that God is going to work through it? Do we trust that God is going to deal with it? Do we know what our responsibility is in this?

And these are hard questions. Maybe it's something you've struggled with. Maybe it's something you've come to some measure of peace and understanding about. We'll be glad to talk about that. 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. Let's go to Joni in Texas. Joni, good morning. How are you feeling? Good morning. How are you? I'm here.

Thank you, sir. Well, I am lovely. Thank you for asking, but tell me how you're feeling. Let me preface this before I get too involved. I'm very shy. I've only been listening to your show since January.

I do not have computer access or email access or YouTubing, streaming, television. I just have this on the radio, so I've never even seen the show, so I found this by accident. We're pretty used to people finding us by accident. I'm very familiar with that concept. Yes, sir. Well, I'm sitting here listening to... I didn't quite know how to approach this, but I have a lot of yeses for what you were just saying, and I thought, well, maybe I did call on the right day.

I lost my mother to Parkinson's. You touched on that on one of your shows. I don't want my comments to be all downers. Well, real quickly, what you were just saying, what is mine and what is not mine, what to fix? Yes, sir. There is a lot of unfairness in this. Yes.

It does promote anger, and you get pushed into a corner. I like the comment about the scarred hands is holding onto our scared hands. Yes, sir. That is why I'm shy and trying to be brave.

I don't want to be scared. Another thing, when you made the comment on one of your shows about Waffle House covered smothered in chunks, yes, sir. You made me hungry. That's one of my favoritest meals in the whole world. Well, I don't even want to be friends with people that don't like Waffle House. I love Waffle House. Well, that's one of the things, the way you said it that day, and I thought, I better call. I love Waffle House.

Sadly, I live a long ways from it. Is it Joni or Johnny? Joni. Joni, I do appreciate very much you calling and very much you listening. Welcome to the show and listen, call anytime you want.

I mean, there's nothing to be afraid of. It's just you and me and I don't know how many, maybe few people listening, but whatever's on your mind. I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself and I'm sorry for the journey you had with your mother through Parkinson's, but I do appreciate you being in the audience. I do appreciate you listening.

Quick, and then I'll let someone else. The comedians you've had on, that was very enlightening and lighthearted to kind of break this monotony. Well, if you want to listen to a really good, well, see, you don't have access to computer, but on my podcast, I did a full hour long interview with Jeff Foxworthy and his wife, and it's out on our podcast at, um, I hope for the caregiver.com. You can go out and see that and subscribe. It's a free podcast, but you don't have computers and so forth. You can't do that. I'm sorry.

You can't. Maybe I'll play clips of it on this show. Jeff been a friend a long time and I had him on for the whole show and it was just a really good show. Well, Joni, I've got to run, but thank you so much for the call. It really means a lot and we'll just keep trying to put some comedians on here for you to kind of help break up some of that too, but appreciate the call.

Donna and Diana in Texas. Diana, good morning. How are you feeling? Good morning. God bless you.

Feel great. What's on your mind? Oh, you're a caregiver for your brother and uh, and he's in a facility. Well, tell me what's going on with that. All right.

In your reference today to what is mine and what is not. My brother in February was neglected and abused. I had to enforce calling ambulance to ER. He was in the hospital and was admitted right away. Hey, I had 103.1 fever for one solid week and I prayed the first week. You know, mom, oh, let me have him one more day.

Don't take him now. We lost our mom. We lost our only sister. So it's just he and I and being special needs is my guardian angel. He does not take life for granted. He loves all we prayed. He and I, when he was conscious and he even said God and named himself and I said, and he's my Bubba, everybody calls him Bubba. I said, Bubba, God knows your name. Yes, Diane. He calls me always do with a Y. God makes miracles.

I said, yes, he does. And you are a miracle. You are my guardian angel and I need you. You will not do it without Diana. We've got to run to a break.

Let me just insert this real quickly. He is not your guardian angel. You know, you have a savior. He's your brother. And you know what? Your savior knows your name too, in your grief and in your loss and in this challenge with your brother.

He knows your name. And I thank you for the call on this this morning. We've got to go to a break, but I thank you so much for taking the time to call on this. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

I am Peter Rosenberger. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. If you want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. We're talking about this morning, what is mine and what is not mine to fix? What is my responsibility? Is this a concern or is this a responsibility? Do I come at this thing with the sense of I am going to impose my sense of justice on this or do I stand firm and watch the leading of the Holy Spirit through this? Do I have a responsibility to stand up and say something?

And if so, do I do it with righteous indignation or in my case, a lot of self-righteous indignation? You know, these are hard things. There's a lot of tension of what are we supposed to do here? You know, how do we respond to this? How much control do I have in this?

Am I really needed in this situation? I look at this thing, for example, with General Flynn. I don't think anybody is watching this with any kind of objectivity that's not sensing that there was some real injustice done. And they're saying that the FBI overreached and you got leaders at the FBI that were weaponizing our justice system to create a political, I mean, to force a political agenda. I don't think anybody is looking at that with any kind of clear objectivity and thinking, wow, this is a good thing. But now do we have a responsibility in that other than to vote and to say something to the powers that be and the legislators?

But do we have, is our opinion needed on the evening news? And I think that's, for me, I find myself wanting to insert myself into these things as almost as kind of a distraction to make me feel better about the things that I don't have control over. And I've come to understand that as a caregiver, the only things I really have control over are my thoughts, my words, and my deeds. And are those things out of control?

Am I trying to somehow self inflate? And are people treating me poorly? And do I need to stand up for my own defense?

These are all hard questions. I mean, as a caregiver, I know there are people in this audience right now who have been cursed at while caring for someone. And you want to lash out and you're frustrated, you're angry and all of these things, and you don't know how to respond to it. And then there are situations where you are involved and you feel obligated to take care of somebody. And then that obligation turns to resentment. And then you want to lash out at that. What is mine?

What is not mine? How do we live peacefully in this when we see all these things? What do we do? Do we, do we march on Washington with pitchforks and torches?

Do we, do we run to every battle that we see something going on? Because there's a lot of injustice in this world. How do we live in a world that is so broken? How do we trust God in this? And I can look at scripture after scripture where it says, you know, Psalm 94, one through two, O Lord, the God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, let your glorious justice shine forth. Arise, O judge of the earth.

Give the proud what they deserve. Obviously David, the Psalmist is feeling these kinds of things. And, and I, Deuteronomy 32, 35, to me, belong with vengeance and recompense. Their foot shall slide in due time for the day of their calamity is at hand and the things that shall come upon them make haste. Romans 12, 19, dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the scripture say, I will take revenge. I will pay them back says the Lord. So Proverbs 20, 22, don't say I'll avenge that wrong. Wait on the Lord and he will deliver you. How do you do that?

What does that even look like? That's these are things that, that there's always that tension in me. How do you deal with that? When you see these things, Hebrews 10, 30, for we know him who said it is mine to avenge. I will repay. And again, the Lord will judge his people.

And yet that tension rises up in us that we want to lash out when we see these injustices done. These are hard things. 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. Brenda in Alabama. Brenda, good morning. How are you? Hey, I'm doing great.

I love your show. I have a sister, my only sister, and we've never been close even through childhood. She never was close to me nor my brother. And she grew up and she was molested by my daddy.

And he tried that with, with us, but we wouldn't let him. So I don't know if she blames us for that, but we didn't know anything about it until way later. But I've tried and tried to do for her and get along and all that off and on through the years.

And she'll just go off and call me out and go away. My husband, we were married 11 years. I took care of him until he died in 17. And he asked me before he died, he said, I want to go see your sister.

Cause he didn't like it that we weren't close. And so he said, let's go. So I called and she said, I guess you can come over.

You know, it was real inviting. So we went over there and their home and everything was just like it was back in the seventies. Her husband, he was mean. He never, he was real abusive and never gave her anything. And so she was mentally warped. And so her home had the same things in it that I gave her back then. And her bed had wires sticking up in it. And, and she had gone to the dollar store and got her some egg crate put on it.

And it just broke my heart. She had boxes sitting around with her clothes, her furniture had broke. And so my husband said, let's get her some stuff. And I said, okay. So I had a bedroom suit and we were talking about buying a new one. And so I said, can we give her my bedroom suit?

He said, sure. So we did. And we fixed up her house and changed her bathroom and all that stuff. And after we got through, she told me I was dead again. So I reached out to her the other day with this corona by text to her daughter, trying to find out if she's okay, but there's no way to talk to her. Nothing.

Now her phone numbers changed and, and you know, I'm 67 when I'm asking this and I've got a lot of issues, health issues and in the Bible, you know, it tells you all about family, getting along with family and all that. Well, what do you do with that when you're in front of God? I mean, I don't want him telling me you didn't do this, you know, but I've tried everything.

Even my brother is in England. He and I get along great and we've had our times, but it's mostly was my ex husband doing things to him and he'd be mad at me about it. But anyway, he reached out to her and she told him, if you talk to Brenda, I'm not having nothing to do with you.

And he said, well, I love Brenda, I'm not going to give Brenda up. And so he had, he doesn't have any contact. So that's my question to you in a situation like that. What do I do? Well, I don't know that I'm qualified to, I don't know that I, in fact, I'm certain I'm not qualified to tell you what to do, but I can tell you a couple of things. One of them is your sister is very, very broken and you didn't break her. That responsibility lies upon your father.

He did this, you did not. And he did it because he was broken. And there's so much brokenness here and it's beyond your ability to fix. You're 67, I would imagine your sister, how old is she?

She's three years older, so she's 70. She's, you don't have the ability to fix what has happened to her and what has happened to her may not, in fact, most likely will not be fixed this side of heaven. There's some things in this world that are just not going to get unbroken. And it, in many respects, I look at your sister emotionally, what happened to her and physiologically, but emotionally what happened to her. When I think of my wife, Gracie, with all of her broken, but she slammed into a concrete abutment and it broke her up orthopedically. I mean, just wrecked her body. When you have a trauma of the level of what your sister had, it is life altering trauma that will, Gracie's had 80 surgeries and they still hadn't got this, they can't put her back together. And she said some of the best surgeons work on her. That's kind of like what's happened to your sister. She slammed into something that is so big, that is so painful, that is so over the top.

There ain't enough surgeons to fix this. And at this age of her life, that's probably, you know, what you've done is by giving her a bed and a bedroom suit, that may be all that you can do. And Brenda, you're not in, like you said, you're not in the best of health yourself.

And you've done what you can do. You can send her notes, you can talk to her daughter. And that's probably a good place for your direction is to have a frank conversation with your daughter. I mean, with her daughter, with your niece.

And send her a note and invest your heart in her because you know what? Your niece is broken as well. And she's been raised in this environment. And she sees all these things. It doesn't mean you give up on your sister.

It's an indicator that you don't need to torture yourself with somehow thinking that you've got to right this wrong because you can't. It's too big for you. It's just too big for you. But it's not too big for you for you to write these things down and to speak the gospel into your niece's life in a way that she can understand. And in the process, it may filter to your sister.

It may not. But this is one of those times where you step out of the boat. You literally are stepping out on faith to somehow offer what you can and understand that God knows your sister's name. He knows what happened to her. I don't understand how he works all this into his purposes.

But scripture tells me that he does. Start with your niece and work from there. Okay? Welcome back. I hope for the caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberg. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840 if you want to be a part of the show. Tammy in Texas. Tammy, good morning. How are you feeling? I'm doing fantastic, Peter. How are you?

Well, I'm for a man of my age and limited abilities, I'm doing okay. Well, I wanted to call and give you an update. I wanted to call and give you an update.

I spoke to you a few months back and I was in a situation. My mother-in-law, my sister-in-law is the primary caregiver to my mother-in-law. And every time my husband and I or even my brother-in-law and his wife would try to step in and help, you know, we always were rebuked in some way. We didn't do it right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We never could do anything right in my sister-in-law's eyes. I called you, you gave me some advice. I used that advice and it had completely transformed that relationship. Instead of offering to help our mother-in-law, we started offering to help my sister-in-law.

What can we do? I remember that conversation, Tammy. Right. And once we did that, it completely, completely, I mean, it wasn't a gradual thing. It was an immediate result to where she was like, oh, you can do this.

Hey, I would appreciate if you could do this or I mean, we were just, like I said, there's just no other way to say it other than it was an immediate result of this is what you can do to help. So in turn, that opened up a relationship or strengthened the relationship with us through the sister-in-law. And now we have more access to the mother-in-law. My mother-in-law now calls more often and she acknowledges, oh, thank you so much for what you do for Rhonda, blah, blah, blah. You know, for her daughter. She really appreciates.

I mean, it is just, like I said, a complete transformation. Well, that is very meaningful to hear. That is really awesome. I'm very grateful to hear that.

And thank you for trusting me with your family's pain and allowing us to just kind of bang around some ideas here on the show and see if we can't come at this thing from a different direction. And sometimes that's what it takes. It takes that for me. I have to have people I go to and say, okay, walk me through this. I'm hitting this brick wall. What am I doing?

And they say, well, why don't you try going around this way? So I'm glad to hear that, Tammy. I really do appreciate it. Yes, sir. Thank you so much.

All righty. Mary in Alabama. Mary, good morning. How are you feeling? Well, good morning. Thank you for taking this call. I'm feeling blessed this morning. I can say nothing less. I'm grateful for the day because every day is a gift.

Every day is a gift. I was just listening to you the first time I heard your show and I'm actually sitting in front of the dealership getting ready to get my oil changed. And I had the radio on and I was just enjoying your commentating and your prayers and your everything you've been saying to the different people that have been calling.

I spoke to the gentleman prior and he was asking you questions and I told him I just I live with the two F's, which is sometimes. Frustration and what I call fatigue because I just I'm just always that way sometimes, I guess I care. I'm a caregiver and I have been now for a little over 10 years for my mom, who's ninety nine. Love her big time.

Absolutely. She is just my world. And I I I'm holding on pretty well. Most days I work every day and she's really able and capable. And that's that's the greatest blessing right there. And it's just that I guess my my concern for myself and it's little or nothing, really, I think. But I do have concern, which is sometimes I have no outlet because I work all day, as I say, and then I come home and that's my every day. But I also realize that for this purpose, I was created and I feel that really deeply in my heart. And I feel like the Lord shared that. Well, let me let me let me let me stop you for just a second, Mary. You were not created to be a caregiver.

Well, my mom is nine and my sister, whom I have only two of, are eighty five and eighty four. So there is nobody else. Well, that's true. You may have to be a caregiver. You may you may spend a lot of time being a caregiver and it may be part of your day to day life. But your purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. OK, absolutely. That is the that is catechism.

Number one of the shorter catechism, the Westminster Confession of Faith. You are designed to glorify God and enjoy him forever. Now, for a lengthy season in your life, you may be a caregiver. I've been doing it for thirty four years. OK, yeah. Purpose is something different now. Once you establish that, OK, Lord, this is where you have placed me and I will glorify you in this. Can you do that? That's the question we all have.

Can we glorify him no matter where we are, no matter what we're doing? And so that's the thing. As far as an outlet for you, what do you enjoy doing? I like to travel, which is kind of hard right now, obviously. But when I it's just that I have to go through so many hoops, so to speak.

I say hoops. I have to. Well, right. Right now, nobody's doing a whole lot of traveling. So what else do you like to do?

I mean, yeah, but I mean, even before now, but of course. But right now, there's not much else I can do. But it's kind of like. But what else do you enjoy doing? Do you like music? You like painting? You like gardening? Yeah, I do.

And I would love to be able to visit, you know, different places in town, around town. I like to bowl. I love a movie, good movie, as they call them, chick flicks, you know, love story or something.

Or something. When's the last time you sat down and watched a movie? Well, with my mother every day. Okay. I'm good with that. It's, you know, I'm good with that.

When's the last time you did something that you enjoy doing just with you? Not with your mother? Oh yeah, no. Doesn't happen often. I mean, you're not going to go.

I don't know if the bowling alleys are open right now in Alabama. Well, there's nothing I can do right now, Peter. I'm really, you know, my whole deal was basically, I guess, whenever, you know, and I get that there's nothing I can do right now. And I hate that that's happening. So here's the only reason I'm cutting into you is because of the interest of time here. In this moment today, there are things that you can do for you right now.

And it may just be just a walk, just to walk around the block, stay six feet away from everybody else and wash your hands kind of thing. But still it may be something like that. It may be listening to some music, watching a movie by yourself, put your mom to bed and you watch a movie.

Let me ask you this, cause that's a very good, you may, you're making a good point, but that's the point. That's the point I didn't bring up is that when I'm with her, there is no way to do anything else. And when I'm not with her, she is angry that I'm not with her or she dictates my time.

You know, when I come home from work, what time are you coming home? I mean, it's really, you would think I'm a child, but I'm 50 plus years old. So yeah, it's going to be, it is going to be very difficult to tell a 99 year old woman that she needs to be still and be quiet. And you're not going to tell a 99 year old woman pretty much anything. So you may have to, you may have to get creative to get some space from her, but she's going to get angry. She's going to get mad. She's going to do whatever she's going to do.

But here's the deal. If you don't have some kind of outlet for your soul, then she's going to have a bitter caregiver. Now she's not, she's not going to understand that she's, she's probably not going to understand it. She's probably not going to care at 99. She's probably not going to care much, but it is not, it is not her happiness at your expense. Your job is not to make her happy.

Okay. She can get, she can get a happy, the same shoes she gets mad in, but your job is not to make her happy. Um, and you can detach a little bit from that and go and just kind of catch your breath a little bit and it may take some, well, it's you. I'm not going to tell you what you can do because I don't know what you can do, but I can tell you that it is okay for you to do it. It's okay for you to do it.

You don't have to ask her permission for you to be happy. I do. And I am happy. I'm just fatigued and frustrated sometimes. So that's kind of where I'm at, but I appreciate you so very much. Well, I appreciate you listening.

I appreciate you trusting me with this and thank you very, very much for the call. Find something today that you can do that feeds your soul. Okay. Well, sometimes we got to get our oil changed. Get your oil changed and then go and find something that feeds your soul.

It changes your oil, not just your car's oil, but yours. All right. Thanks so much for the call. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. You can see more at Hopeforthecaregiver.com. Sign up for our podcast. There's books there. There's music there. There's all kinds of stuff. Take advantage of it.

Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. Didn't get to all the calls today that I would have liked to, and I'm sorry for that. We'll try to weave them in next week. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. We'll see you next week.