This is the Truth Network. If you're feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or carrying more than you could put into words, I've created something just for moments like that. Go to hopeforthecaregiver.com. Right at the top of the page, click the blinking Caregiver 911 light. That page will take you to a short, guided audio I made to give caregivers a quiet place to pause, breathe, and set the load down.
You don't have to fix anything. You're allowed to rest here. Hold on. Hopeforthiver.com. Click on Caregiver 911.
And then Caller asked what he should tell his sister to do when family members were pressuring her to take on more caregiving responsibilities. My answer surprises me in Ohio. Let's go, Duxman. It's always good, always good talking to you, Brother Peter. Always good talking to you.
Hey, you came to my mind. Um rest Well, a couple things come to my mind, brother. Resting is intentionally taking a solid break For a decent amount of time to get refreshed.
so that you can go back into battle.
Okay. A break from what? A break from what? A break from taking care of Gracie, a break of taking care of my my uh uh Handicapped nephew. That requires a lot of time and effort.
and takes away from regular life when I don't have my nephew with me.
So you know this as a caretaker for your life, for your wife. You have to intentionally take a break, don't you? I do. And so I've had to figure out I've had to define break differently because I this is my regular life. Right.
Now, that's not. I don't get to take a situation where this is something I'm going to do, and then I'm going to get back to my regular life. This is my regular life.
So I don't get to clock out and say, you know, take a week off. In fact, I don't get a day off. You've got to abundantly clear. You've made that abundantly clear. And you, my friend, are exactly in the same boat as my sister Danielle is.
Her son is is is handicapped, can't read, can't write. Can't do anything for himself. He can walk. He can cook a few things. But she is is entangled.
and her 31-year-old son. She is the lifetime of her sons. caretaker. And so either A, God gives her the ultimate rate and she dies, or Jared might.
So my question to you. is um how does she Respond, Peter. to uh her sister-in-law who will not take care of her father, And once my sister Danielle, to take care. Um Her father. My sister's uh father is dead.
But her sister-in-law Which is the uh sister of her dead husband, my sister's dead husband. uh once my sister to take care of a death.
Now her dad loves my sister. My sister loves her father-in-law. The sister-in-law Does not work. She'd just stay at home. She doesn't have any small kids.
the husband Uh it works. Um The sister is telling my blood sister Hey, you go take care of that. as much as you possibly can. And my dear sister Danielle. She's got a heartbeating in taxes, Peter.
And she says, Bust, how do I do this? She goes, I work from home. I've got to punch in, punch out. and take care of business for my employer. I gotta take care of Jared.
I've got a grandbaby that comes over because her other daughter. her other ch uh child, her mother, Brings grandbaby old.
So she's struggling with three balls. Her job. Hushan And your grand baby.
So she's caretaking for three sets of people, and she's got a person on the peripheral saying, Hey, go take care of my dad too, Danielle. What do I tell Danielle, my sister? Perfect. No is a complete sentence. That's it.
Oh, okay. Just say no. Just say no. Just say, you know how it is, but you know how it is, especially as the heart of Christ. It's hard to say that.
And here's the wild part.
Well, hold on, hold on. My sister doesn't believe in Christ. Take a beat. No is a complete sentence. If she doesn't want to do it.
Then don't do it. If she's going to if she wants to do it. then do it and don't complain about it. She's not obligated to do it. She does it either because she wants to, or she's feeling guilty, or obligated to do it, and she's not obligated.
No is a complete sentence. And she could tell her sister-in-law, no, thank you. I'm busy, I can't do it right now, but I appreciate the invitation. And then go take care of her son. And that's Truth Talk Live, 866-34 TRUTH, 866-348-7884.
Welcome back to Truth Talk Live. This is Peter Rosenberger 866. 34 Truth, 866-348-7884. I'm going to go back to that last caller, that conversation. No is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. That sounds a little bit abrupt, doesn't it? It sounds curt, sounds too harsh, is it? If somebody well take it out of the caller's family situation. If somebody In my family, was asking me to go take care of somebody.
that was Not Related to me and it would compromise my ability to take care of Gracie. Do you think I should say yes? What is my primary Covenant responsibility. It's with Gracie. And I don't mind telling anybody else no.
Because she's the one I'm responsible for. Ultimately, that's a picture of what's been going on with our country. We have a real hard time understanding that kind of principle. When somebody is enscripted to To go and take their resources and their time, which time is a resource, and money and take care of somebody else, it compromises their ability to take care. of who they're called to do.
That's why allowing 20 million illegal immigrants into this country was so wrong. We're asking people to shoulder the burden.
So if I told you that somebody said, well, this guy down here has a special needs wife. Or a special needs child or disabled wife. And Peter, we want you to go down there and take care of her too. We're going to force you to do that.
Now, where's the math in this?
So it the the decision is very clear. It is not a complex decision. It may be hard to maintain it. it may be a difficult thing to enforce. But it is not a complex problem.
And that's the problem we have sometimes. is that we try to merc it up a little bit. And say, well, this is, you know, you don't understand. Yeah, I understand just fine. I can't take care of anybody else.
I've got all I could say Gracie over. And I'm not going to do it. She's the one. If it compromises my ability to take care of her. Then what have I done?
Because I have to answer to her father for this. Her father's still alive, but I have to answer to her heavenly father. Because this is this is my charge, my stewardship. And I'm sorry? for other things that are going on.
And I'll tell you a perfect example of this. It doesn't mean I don't hurt for people with it. It doesn't mean I don't want to do what I can. That's why I write books. That's why I do this show.
That's why I do my other show. That's why I have my Substack page. That's why I put all this stuff out there that doesn't compromise my ability to care for her. and I could take the wealth of information I've learned Over 40 years of this and distribute it in a way that makes sense to other people who are going through it. But I cannot come to your house and show you how to do it.
You can get my book. You can read my blog. You can listen to my podcast. You can go on my Substack and subscribe to that, caregiver.substack.com. There it is.
Go get that. It's all there. I put it there. But it doesn't compromise my ability to care for Gracie. One time I was walking down the hallway with her, this time last year.
We were still in the hospital last year. And I'm walking down the hall, And she has two wound vacs on. She's got her prosthesis on, but she's walking very slowly. I have a CNA that is helping me. And she's got multiple drains and all kinds of oxygen, the whole thing.
I mean, just we're walking with a body shop here. It's it's pretty gnarly. And we're just minding our own business. and all of a sudden we hear this pandemonium. And security guards started rushing past us.
They called what they call a code gray. You've heard of a code blue. You've heard of a code RED. That's a fire. Code pink is when a well, that's that's a that it's been co-opted by a bunch of wackos of this country, but uh coat pink is when they have a child that's been abducted.
But a coat gray is when there is a violent, destructive situation going on. And a patient is out of control. And you could hear In this room, it was a couple doors down from us, and you could hear just screaming and profanity and everything else. And I saw this woman standing outside the door. And she looked to be, you know, maybe in her fifties.
And the look on her eyes and her face, it just said it all. and you could tell this woman was truly at the breaking point. And I was trying to navigate Gracie with all this equipment and one CNA to help me. And I'm trying to navigate her to get her out of the way so these security guards don't knock us down. And I see this woman, and I see her in her distress.
And I cannot walk away from Gracie to go and talk to her. I I I can't. I hate it. I want to, I can't. And that's one of the reasons I'm on the radio.
That's one of the reasons I do my podcasts. That's one of the reasons I do interviews. That's one of the reasons I write books and have all the things that I do online. Because I can't go. But that doesn't mean I can't be a good steward of what I've learned and put it out there.
But boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And boundaries are important to God. There was a boundary in the garden before the fall. Don't do this. After the fall there was a boundary to get into the garden.
You're not coming in here. There are boundaries with the law that was given. How many people could just walk into the Holy of Holies? There were boundaries. How many people could touch the Ark of the Covenant?
There were boundaries. How many people could approach the mountain of God? There were boundaries. And we say no to certain things in our life. not because we're rejecting someone else.
So the caller's sister is not rejecting This father-in-law. But she's choosing her disabled son. Because she has to do it. And it's painful. I don't doubt that it's painful.
I don't doubt that it's going to be a costly thing. It may cost the relationship, but what kind of relationship do you have at that point? If somebody is so insensitive to a woman who is working full-time, taking care of a special needs child, and demanding that they go do something else when they're not.
Well, what kind of relationship do you have? That's not a relationship. That's indentured servanthood. That's one person taking advantage of another person. You know, it's okay to say no.
No is a complete sentence. Are you comfortable saying no to people? This obligation thing I don't know. Three. Maybe four seconds.
But If this woman goes over there and starts taking care of this guy and she runs her, you know. Out of steam. and not able to take care of her her son. Then what have we what's been accomplished? It's okay to stand your ground.
It's okay to say no. It's okay to Offer an alternative. You know, this is not going to work for me, but maybe you can go and I can give you some pointers that I've learned. as you take care of him. Th these are very acceptable Pushbacks.
This sister-in-law, or whoever it is that's that's imposing Mm-hmm. This is the person who's not going to stop. The boundaries are not there. for her benefit. They're there for my benefit.
for the one who's being imposed on. And the people that hate your boundaries are the people that Don't want you to have them. They want to take advantage of you. You have boundaries. And you have godly boundaries.
And you say no. I can't do that. This is my responsibility over here. And you say, well, I feel guilty about it. I'm sorry.
What do you do with the guilt? Why are you are you really guilty at that point? Guilty of what? Prioritizing your disabled son? over a grown man who has other resources and other people who can help?
Is this what you're feeling guilty about? Why why are you feeling guilty? What are you guilty of? And sometimes guilt is not the right word. We feel bad about it.
And we use the word guilt to say this is what's going on with us.
Now, if you're guilty over breaking God's law... then guilt's doing its work. You feel guilty because you are guilty. But this is not a this is not a moral situation here. She has a responsibility to that disabled son.
who cannot fend for himself. And the one person standing between that disabled son. and even worse disaster. is her. I have a responsibility to my wife.
The one person stated between her and even worse disaster is me. And if I compromise me All this I've done for forty years. Is for what, if I leave her without me? and I can't guarantee that I'm going to outlive her. I can't guarantee that ne none of us can.
That's why. I went and got wa well, I had to get regular checkups and find out that I have cancer. Got it early. We're going to deal with it. Start to morrow.
But I wouldn't have known had I not gotten a physical. And sadly, there are a lot of caregivers out there that don't do that. They don't see to their own body's care. They don't look after themselves. They put this aside and say, okay, we'll deal with this when Mama's with Jesus.
But as I said in the first block, sometimes the valley of the shadow of death can last a very long time. Should I have waited until Grace is with Jesus before I go get a physical?
Well, that's forty years. Show me the math on this These are the kind of things. that are important to help families in this. And if you're a pastor and you've got family members in your church that are dealing with these kinds of things, pay attention to these things. Pay attention.
Because this is how you help these people. You help direct them to safe Ground. where they can catch their breath, take a knee if they have to, and develop healthier strategies. And part of that is saying no. Not because they're rejecting, but because they are accepting the stewardship responsibility that God has entrusted them with.
This is, I mean, Paul wanted. How many missionary trips did Paul want to go on in the Holy Spirit? Say, no, you ain't going there. I mean, it's everywhere in Scripture. Boundaries are everywhere.
And they're not inappropriate. You don't have to do it with meanness. And I promise you, she's not going to compromise the relationship because there is no relationship.
Somebody who puts pressure on me to abandon Gracie and take care of somebody else I don't want a relationship with that person. I don't care who they are. They're not in a position where they're helpful to me in a spiritual way, in a physical way, in any kind of way. They're hurtful. That's a toxic relation.
I don't need that. Nor do you. Or so is somebody doing that to you? Is somebody putting pressure on you to make you feel guilty and obligated to do something like this? These are things that we cannot Just continue to perpetuate.
Sometimes it's okay to say, You know. Gracie, when you envisioned doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think? that inmates would help you do that. Not in a million years. What does it mean?
I would have ever thought about that. When you go to the facility run by Core Civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for. And they're disassembling. You see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs. And arms, too.
And arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry. Because I see the smiles on their faces and I know... I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out.
Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long. When I go in there, then I always get the same thing every time. These men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one man said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that? Parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled?
No, I had no idea. I thought we were still in the. 1800s and 1700s. I mean, you know, I thought of peg leg, I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of.
Titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and C legs and all that. I never thought about that. I had no idea.
Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that Core Civic offers? I think they're just absolutely... Awesome. And I think every Prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because. The Return rate.
of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program. and the other ones like it, but I know about this one. Is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them. And I think that that says so much. But test so much.
about Just that doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken. to help other broken people be whole. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away, Yeah. You know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own.
What's the best place for them to do? How do they do that? Where do they find it? Please go to stanningwithhope.com/slash recycle, and that's all it takes. It'll give you all the information on there.
What's that website again? StanningwithHope.com/slash.com Slash recycle. Thanks, Chris. Take My hair. Lean on me.
We will stay.
