Raising Them Alone

Hey y'all, on this season of Mr. Stillman's Opus, I'm spending some time interviewing my clients here at Rosewood Wealth Management. Over the years, I've had the chance to work with a lot of different people and a lot of them have really interesting stories to tell.

Maybe they have a really neat job, maybe they've accomplished something very impressive, or maybe they've just had things happen to them in life, good or bad, that make for interesting stories. Today I'm talking with Kathy Pittman about her experience becoming a widow. Her husband Maurice died of a brain tumor at a very young age while their daughters were just six and four. She shares with us all of the difficult things that she had to deal with, both the financial aspects, the emotional aspects, raising two daughters on her own, and she also talks through some of the things she's really glad that she did and things that she might do differently if she had a chance to do it over again. A lot of really difficult subjects covered in this conversation, but I really appreciate Kathy sharing and so well articulating some of the things she's had to deal with in her life. Here's my conversation with Kathy. So Kathy, walk me through when everything just hit the fan initially, how did it all unfold? It's around Thanksgiving and I was working at the VA as a nurse and I got a call from my mother-in-law and she said that Maurice got lost in downtown Durham when they were driving and she was concerned and I thought, that's strange. And then Maurice got on the phone and he said, well, you know how that loop is downtown?

It's kind of crazy anyway. And I thought, well, yeah, that's true. So I didn't pay much attention to that. And it was about a week, 10 days later, he called me from the office. He owns a small business and did his own books and that's before computers.

So small businesses pretty much did not have computers at that time. So everything was on ledgers and he couldn't make the deposit work out. And he asked me to come down. So I came down and I was looking and I could see that somehow going straight across a row, his site must not have been able to follow because he wrote some of the numbers on the row below. And I was trying to fix it and he could not follow what I was doing and I couldn't make him understand and he was getting really frustrated. And I said, I think we need to go to the doctor because this isn't normal for you. And so we got a doctor's appointment, went to a neurologist. Long story short, he had some kind of test where they did something and they found something and he was in ICU and I was at home talking to him and then I got a call about five minutes later from a nurse saying, was anything going on strange?

And I'm like, no, we just said goodbye. And she said, well, he just had a grand mal seizure, which was the big one, the scary one. And so anyway, it was December 23rd, we got a diagnosis and I took him home on brain cancer and fast growing. And he brought him home and that was, I guess, brought him home on Christmas Eve, I think. And then we had Christmas together and he had purchased presents. He had an uncle who was a jeweler. And so he had purchased presents that I didn't know about and we had a friend who was there and she knew about them and she went over to him and got him to tell her where they were. And so he had bought each girl a set of diamond earrings and he bought me a pearl earrings and a pearl necklace. And so, of course, I lost it because the prognosis they gave was three to six months. And so this was in December and they did have some experimental things they could do, but it might just prolong it a few months.

And Marie said, I don't want to be a guinea pig. And so he was home and we had Christmas and then we normally had New Year's Eve with a certain group of friends for like six or seven years. So we usually went to somebody else's house, but because of his condition, they all came to my house. I didn't have to cook, they cooked and everything. And he stayed in the bedroom and we had our, if you can call it celebration, we were together, let's put it that way. And he died January 9th. So really quick, didn't even come close to the three to six- No, no, no, not at all.

Not at all. And there was a time when I asked him if he wanted to go back to the, go to the hospital. And he's like, no. And I said, okay, then we won't, we won't go back. And there were some times I was, because I'm a nurse, I was giving him anti-seizure medicine IV every eight hours. And because it was Christmas, we couldn't get people in to help. So it was me, my mother-in-law came and stayed with me. My friend was staying with me because she was in from school and kept the girls in preschool and things until the Christmas holiday and just did what we needed to do. And I actually had a home health aide four days before he died. And that was just for half a day each day. And then, and then he died.

So it just, I mean, it's fortunate I'm a nurse, so I could do everything. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't had the ability to do, I guess he would have stayed in a hospital or something, but he was able to be at home. That's what he wanted. The girls, because they were so little when he was at Duke after he got out of intensive care, he was on a ward and you know, they were too little to go see him. And I kind of threw a fit and said, call his doctor. My kids are not going to be deprived of their dad.

And they allowed them to go straight in, see him and go back. But I just couldn't stand the thought. So I think of the people who have COVID and can't be with their loved ones. And I was like, I just don't know how you're doing it. So in the immediate aftermath, right after he died, walk me through those emotions. Is it numbness for a while?

Is it immediate devastation? How did that play out? For me, because he got sick in December, and there were so many things going on, I was in the mode, okay, because he had his own business, if he didn't work, there was no money. I worked part time. So I did not call in sick, which I had every right to do.

But I did not because I knew there was no money coming in. So I kept working, my mother in law would watch the kids and watch him when I was at work. And I actually picked up a few extra shifts to bring in a little bit of extra money. So I was so focused on keeping the girl's life as structured as possible, and not throwing them off and trying to deal with how do I prepare them for the fact that their dad might not be here and those kind of things. And that just kept me busy. So when he actually died, I ran to get his mom so she could come down. And I remember meeting Elizabeth in the hallway.

And I just remember saying, Daddy just died. And she wanted to go in. So, you know, we went in. And anyway, that was hard.

So what was really nice is that Elizabeth's kindergarten teacher and Emily's preschool teacher both came to our house and spent time with them one on one while everything that has to happen, you notify this person, you know, just all the stuff that has to happen. And then I had to go to the funeral home to make the arrangements for the funeral. And I went by myself.

And when I was driving, I remember I was crossing over Broad Street at the railroad tracks like Pettigrew and Broad Street. And I had my first ever and only panic attack. And I was hyperventilating. And my heart was racing. And I was just like, what am I going to do? And then I said, this must be a panic attack. So I kind of took some deep breaths and pulled myself together and went and took care of everything I needed to take care of. And then, you know, people started coming and food started coming and that kind of thing. So we got through the funeral.

And then after that, you know, it's kind of like everyone else's life goes back to normal, but yours never does. And it was just kind of, you know, this is kind of interesting. How did the girls process it? Because they were six and four and a half at the time. How did they process it?

How did you help them process that in the early weeks? Well, right before he died, like a night or two before he died, we had our youth minister and our pastor come over to kind of talk to them about death. And we kind of used a glove analogy, like wearing a glove. And this looks like, you know, a person and stuff. But when somebody dies and goes to heaven, you see the body. So he took the glove off, you know, it's like that's the body, but really the person goes on up to heaven to be with Jesus. And so that's kind of how we explained it. And I think Elizabeth got it. I'm not so sure Emily did at that time because she's so little because every time she'd hear the garage open, she'd run to the door and say, Daddy.

And then we'd have to say, No, honey, you know, he's not here anymore. So she had a kind of a hard time with that. So how did all the financial pieces work out? Dealing with life insurance and I guess closing his business at that point? Oh, yeah, all of it. It was very hectic.

And I think that's what kept me going in some ways and together and that I felt like I couldn't fall apart, not only for the girls, but there was just so many things that had to be done. You had to file for the life insurance policies. You had to have all these death certificates that you had to give to every single person that you were wanting to close something out. Yeah, I mean, I always tell people, when you're closing an estate, get like eight or 10 copies of the death certificate. You're going to need a bunch. Yes, yes, yes. I think they give you three at the funeral home, something like that.

You need more. So doing all that, and because, you know, I worked part time, so I didn't have, you know, I had a small little teeny tiny check and he wasn't working anymore. So there was no more income coming. But, you know, he had an accountant. So I went to the accountant and the accountant helped me do what needed to be done with the estimated taxes and everything that needed to be done for the business to close it out. And then I remember I was really fortunate that there was someone from my church who gave me some money that actually helped me get through until the life insurance came in and the Social Security could come in because the girls got Social Security on his record. And so that got me through until then. So it was like, okay, how am I going to pay for the house? How am I going to keep them in school?

How am I going to, you know, just keep things going? Well, the life insurance paid off the car. It did not pay off the house. And I decided not to put the money toward the house, that I wanted a pot of money that I could kind of draw from if I needed it, but try not to use it for normal income. I did not pick up any more hours. I kept my same schedule.

My goal was to keep the girls' lives as normal as possible since their whole world had turned upside down. So I didn't start working full time right away. I kept my part time. I kept them in school. And I'm good, pretty good at pension pennies because, you know, I was a college student with not much money.

So I should know that you're still good at that several years later. Yes, I still can couple of decades later, you still have that skill, I can still pinch a penny. Maurice was the spender and I was the saver. And so we didn't have a lot of money saved up. But with the life insurance that we did get, which that's the other thing when you're young, it's never enough, you know, so we hadn't really gotten as much as we, you know, like I said, it didn't pay off the house.

But I figured it out. I looked at what was coming in with Social Security, what my income was, and my income pretty much went down 70% from before to after. And so I just had to be real careful. There were some weeks I got paid every other week that after I paid my bills, I had $20 to last me two weeks. And I found out ways, you know, you could go to McDonald's at that time and get two cheeseburgers and supersize it and get a big Coke and a big thing of french fries, and it would feed all three of us. I didn't do that a lot.

But sometimes for a treat, that's the kind of thing. And I'd look for free things to do with the kids or two for the price of one types of things. And we went to the beach with the people from the church, and we got a big house. So we were able to take beach trips once in a while. And it would be interesting to see their aspect, you know, from my kids standpoint, what kind of childhood did they have? Did they consider it normal or really, you know, I tried to do as much as I could, but I couldn't do everything that everybody else did.

But I did it within the budget that I had. And you maintained that status of only working part time for how long? Let's see, he died in 93 until 98.

Five years. So they were both well ensconced in school and kind of... Yes, they were like Emily, I think was third grade and Elizabeth was fifth grade. And it was toward the end of the school year before I went full time because being a nurse, I couldn't do full time and rotate shifts. I would have had to get a nanny or someone to live in because the way it was, I worked every other weekend. And I had a lot of good friends from church and sometimes my mother-in-law, sometimes my mom, sometimes my brother, and I would take them somewhere every other weekend and pack them up for two days and I'd work two 12-hour shifts on the weekend and then pick them up at the end, you know, when I was finished. And so I didn't have to pay a lot of childcare, but if I was working full time then had to do the aftercare or school, or if it was rotating shifts, who's gonna stay with them at night?

It was just a logistics nightmare. So I kept that until I could get a straight day job. And so I got a job in primary care and was Monday through Friday and they were old enough then that I felt like it wouldn't disrupt their lives as much. And they were getting toward the stage of, you don't have to go on this field trip, mom. So yeah, so it was okay.

Yeah. Well, I know that finding positive male influences to have in their life was a big important thing to you. Where did you find those people and who were the people that kind of filled that role? Well, in some ways it were the couples that kept the kids.

When I was at work, I looked for couples that had, from what I could tell, strong marriages and had kids around their age. So they'd have someone to play with. And so they got the view of, you know, family life from a mom and a dad. And so they had that. Then the other big thing was sports. And they both kind of were athletic.

So I put them in soccer and basketball and softball, swimming. And most of those teams, especially the soccer teams, had male coaches. And so through that they had interactions with men.

And then Maurice has two brothers and I have a brother. And so we would spend time and, you know, they would have time with them so they would get the male influence that way. Well, they both seem to have grown up to be very well adjusted. As far as I know they are. They're good girls.

They live in far-flung places, so who really knows? Yes, I know. They got as far, well, one of them got as far away from me as she possibly could because New Zealand, I don't think there's any places farther away. But pretty much the very definition of the other side of the earth. Yes, yes.

Hemispheres and everything. But yes, no, they've done quite well. And I've been very, very proud of them and how they've handled everything. I tried to, oh, the other thing I did was we went to a hospice program for kids after Maurice died and they had some special things for children who had just lost parents. And so we did that for a little while and I looked for a therapist, you know, just that we could go to just to see, you know, like a checkup and see how things were going. So I did that and just kind of watched them from a nursing standpoint as well as a mom's standpoint to see if I saw any signs that maybe something wasn't going well. And I didn't take them again, but I would have in a heartbeat if I thought they needed something. So let's suppose you're talking to a young mom.

She's just lost her husband. What are the things that you would tell her? You must do this.

I'm really glad that I did this or I wish I had done this. Let's do that first and then we'll talk about the don't do this thing. So what are the things where you say, be sure you do this or take care of this or talk to this person? Be sure that, well, I did have an attorney, you know, for the wills and stuff and talk to him. And one of the advice he gave me, he's like, you can do this because the estate process through the government, you know, that you have to do to close out the estate, there are certain steps that have to be done. You can hire an attorney to do this for you, but you pay, you know, for that service.

But you can do it yourself. I went to the clerk of court and, you know, they told me what needed to be done and what the deadlines were. You have to have an inventory I think at 30 days and then again, I don't know, six months.

I can't remember the exact time frames. You have to put notices in the paper to, so if somebody has a bill against the estate that they can file that. There are several things like that that just have to be done. Plus, you know, filing for all the life insurance and all that.

I did it. So the attorney basically said, don't pay me, just do it yourself, save them. Right, right. I was fortunate to have people like at the funeral home and different places like you need your money for your children to raise your children. And so they didn't try to take advantage of me.

And I really do appreciate that. So the one thing to know is you can do it. And, you know, everyone's financial situation is different. But in mine, it was much better for me to do it and have that money to use later than to pay someone else and then maybe have to force myself to go back to work full time before I was ready or the kids were ready. What about just in terms of like restarting your life? What advice would you give them?

My advice is to, if you can't, is to wait a year before you do anything, any big major life decisions. I mean, I was thinking, do I move? You know, because my house, the mortgage at that time was hefty. It took over half of my income. And you're still in the house now. I'm still in the house now. And it's paid off. Yay. So anyway, but I had to twist your arm to do that. Yes.

Yes, you did. Just pay off. You can pay it off. You have the money in the bank.

Just pay it off. And I finally did. And he was right. And I was wrong. So anyway, I'll admit it.

But anyway, so don't make any major changes. And there are some not so nice people out there. I think they read the obituaries and they read the ages and they think, ooh, these people are going to get life insurance because I had all these calls. Oh, we're in your area and we're doing inspections on such and such and such, you know, like under the house. And they said, oh, you need a sub pump and you need this and you need that.

And it'd be this about 3,500 or whatever it was. And, you know, and I'm like, oh my gosh, my house is going to, the foundation's going to crumble. I need to do something. And I did have the foresight to call someone who was a contractor, a friend of mine. I said, can you just come and check? And he's like, you don't need any of that.

You're okay. And so there would have been all that money out the door for something I really didn't need. And then I got this other call that I had won all these prizes and only need to send $300 for the taxes or the water, the water, water, watts. And I said, I can't talk to you now.

Can you call me back tomorrow? And so they said, yes. And I called the Better Business Bureau and found out that there were lots of complaints and this and that and the other. And so when they called back, I said, you should be ashamed of yourself calling people like that, you know, and then they hung up on me. But, you know, so you're more vulnerable than you know at that time. You really truly are because, you know, I was, yeah, I was not as strong as I thought maybe I would be in some of those cases. So the big thing is don't make major financial decisions right away.

Don't, you know, sometimes maybe you can't help, you have to, but it's like if there's a way to buy yourself a day, a week or something to think it through, go to well-respected friends and bounce ideas off of different people because sometimes you aren't thinking correctly. And I don't know that I had a date for, well, I think maybe six months to a year afterwards. And it was only because it was somebody that I had known before and was comfortable with that wasn't, you know, and of course today there was no tenders or whatever you call those dating sites that wasn't that. That's also how I refer to them, whatever you call those.

Yeah, whatever those are. I guess you could do paper back then you put little ads and papers or something, but I didn't do any of that. You know, I was busy enough and that wasn't something for me that was a need. So, you know, I was fine, but yeah, just be careful.

Just be careful and have a trusted friend that, you know, will tell you the truth. Is there anything that stands out to you that you look back on and say, a new widow learned from my mistake. I wish I had done this differently. Whether it's anything that would have helped you emotionally or something with the girls. I think if I had one thing that I probably didn't do right or as well as I could have is that I think I'd stayed too strong for the girls. I tried not to cry in front of them or, you know, and that probably wasn't good. You know, they probably needed to see that mommy was upset and mommy was sad. But right after I thought if I start crying, I'll never stop. And so I kind of walled myself off and was like a robot going through the motions to get everything done. And I think it was somewhere between six weeks to six months before I ever fell apart.

And I think it was, gosh, I can't remember watching a movie or something and it got me and I just went crazy, you know. But I probably needed to balance that a little bit better than what I did. My thanks to Kathy for sharing her story and my hope is that it can be helpful to hear for anybody, not just a new widow, but anybody who's dealing with grief or just finds themselves in a difficult spot in life. One other thing that I think is important that you may have noticed is how she referenced her friends who helped take care of the girls over the years, which allowed her to work the hours that she needed to work to make ends meet for the family. You know, just keep that in mind with any single parents that you're friends with. And it doesn't have to be somebody whose spouse died, just anybody who happens to be a single parent for whatever reason. More often than not, they're probably not going to ask for your help. But any help you can give them is really going to make a big difference for them. So just out of the blue, offer to take the kids sometimes so that they can get stuff done or maybe just have a break. If your family is intact, you know, invite their family over to your house so the kids can see and experience what a strong family dynamic looks like. But be proactive about it.

Offer to help without them asking for it because they're probably not going to ask. Thanks for tuning in on this week's episode and we'll talk with you again real soon on Mr. Stillman's Opus.