Cradled in Hope

This is the Truth Network. Welcome to Hope in the Morning. turning tragedies and tears into testimonies of hope. Today's episode tells a story that no one ever plans to live. We're joined by Jennifer Osler-Bolton, author of the memoir Always Kiss Me Goodbye.

Who became a widow at just 36 years old when her husband was killed in the line of duty as a firefighter? leaving her to raise their two young children and wonder, is God really good? Jen, thank you for joining us today. Thank you so much. That actually made me a little bit emotional hearing that.

Your book is a beautiful memoir. Because you're really vulnerable. And I think that that's something that not just vulnerability, but you're just very authentic. In your walk with the Lord, there's no pretenses, there's no, you know.

Sometimes we used to joke around in college. I went to a Christian university and we would call it talking in Christianese because you know it's like you felt like you had to have this lofty over spiritual. Dialect to speak to people, but really God's after our heart, right? And you do a great job of really just taking away the pretenses and being very. authentic and raw with what you went through.

I would love to start with kind of what your own personal testimony of faith was.

Well, I didn't actually grow up with Any type of big exposure to religion or to God or anything. I, you know, I went to Easter Sunday, you know, I was a holiday churchgoer, Easter Sunday with my grandparents. Um, you know, I just wasn't raised in that kind of a home, but I knew it existed. I always knew it was there, and you know, that minimal exposure that I had, it was enough to plant a seed. And when Ryan and I were young, newlyweds, we got married when I was 20 years old.

I met someone at the market and she invited me to church. And it was the first time I ever looked at a Bible. It was the first time I ever understood that there was more than just God and His Son and this guy named Jesus. You know, it was something so much more to me. And it was my first realization that not only is there a love that I could never and still don't understand or comprehend, you know, from God, but there was just so much more like to my life, a purpose to it instead of just living.

I just. Yeah. There was something about learning about God in the start at 20 years old. And, you know, and God and I went through, we had a regular relationship, you know, we had our ups and downs. I walked away for a little while.

But I really think that my true testimony of actually coming to know God was in that time I walked away from Him because. You know, up to that point, I was learning about him. I was, I was reading scripture, things I had never been exposed to really before, other than the knowing of the resurrection and Christmas Day. But it was in that walking away when I realized life without God versus life with God. And I just truly went crawling back to God.

And I wasn't, you know, I didn't know if he would accept me back. I didn't know if he would, you know, just be happy to have me back. I didn't, I didn't know because I was still so new to it all, but there was so much evidence in just his love and his outpouring joy that I had returned to him that that in that moment was truly what I tell people is my actual testimony to my faith in God. It was. It wasn't in the reading or the going to church beforehand.

It was in the hardship and realizing that, oh, he really does just want me. And from that point forward, I was like, I will never again leave you. I will do everything for you. It was just a love like I had never known before. When was that period of time when you walked away and returned?

It was after I had had both of my kids.

So I was still, I was about 25 years old. I had been going to church at this point for a few years and I just decided things, things just got hard. Life just got hard. And, you know, our marriage was hard and we were still so young. And it just felt like there was a lot of difficulties.

And in my... in my thoughts, I felt like, well, I shouldn't be having these difficulties because I have God.

So that makes no sense. And so because I didn't have a true understanding of, you know, what it meant to be with God and follow God and, you know, go through the trenches with God, I chose to walk away because I didn't feel that he was meeting his end of the bargain. You know, I was being faithful and he wasn't.

So, you know, I was like, well, that's it. Then I'll just leave this relationship. And it it ended up showing me how desperately I needed God. Yeah, it's interesting because I think too when you don't grow up in the church Mm-hmm. It's hard to know what to look for as far as signs of what God's faithfulness actually looks like because it's not always a tangible thing.

And as we'll see later, after you, after you lost your husband, Ryan, how God did faithfully walk you through that. And I wanted to touch on just something that I found very cute and comical in your book, which is when you said that you didn't grow up in the church, but that your grandma took you occasionally and that the communion would come by and you were thinking, why don't I get to be part of snack time? I'm going to snack. Like, I told my mom that I'm like, that is like the funniest thing because when you grow up in the church, you just, you know, think about how other people perceive the different things that go on within the church. And I just thought that was cute.

And then I thought, you know, when you, when you were already married to Ryan and your friend has invited you back to church and you're thinking, well, now we're grownups. Like, do we get snack time now that we're grown up? But I just thought that was cute. And the fact, the way that your friends pursued you guys, because they wanted you to know the Lord and you and Ryan, you guys had been together for, for our listeners' sake, since you were about. 15?

Is that right? 15 or 16? Yeah. And so you literally grew up together. And So you met him very young and you married him at age 20 and he was a firefighter.

You guys had two children. Can you walk us through that day when he left to go to that fire call? Um, yeah.

Well, the day that he left, I ended up he was home all day. He was off and I was at work.

So, you know, those days, minimal talk during the day. But I you know, I say for whatever reason, but Hindsight tells me I know exactly why, but for whatever reason, that day he was home all day long just fixing things around the house. He rebuilt the kids' trampoline that day, and you know, he had dinner cooking when I got home from work that evening. And, you know, he fixed all the lights in the yard. Like, it was, it.

Now, looking back, it was almost like he was just getting ready to leave. You know, he was just getting the house set up for us. And, you know, I got home from work, and I truly remember feeling that. Evening, I just had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for just the fact that you know, Ryan and I, where we were in our marriage, we'd been married for 16 years. It felt like we finally learned how to be married.

You know, I learned how to appreciate him, and we just felt like we were in this sweet spot. I remember watching him cook, and I pulled out my phone and I was like taking selfies and pictures of him cooking. And he was so annoyed by it because he was like, My hair is not done, you know, don't post these pictures. And I was just so grateful. I just had this overwhelming sense of gratitude for my husband and my family and how far we had come.

And he got a call, which you know, typically happens, especially in California. You know, we have fires every year. He got a call that they were looking for someone to fill a position on the water tender, and you know, we kind of talked about it. He typically was the guy who would say yes, you know, to you know, going to fires and working overtime and that type of thing. And he's like, I don't know, like, should I go?

Is it, you know, it'll be an easy job. It's, you know, I'm just taking water, I'm not having to do much, you know. And we were saving money to put a pool in the backyard, so we were like, Yeah, I'll just go, it's easy money. Um, and then that was it. And then, you know, as soon as you say yes to that, like everything shifts in the house, you know, because now you've got to get ready to, you know, for him to leave.

And, you know, so it truly is, you know, what you would imagine that it is.

So, like, just dropped everything. You know, dinner was still on the stove, nothing was done. Ran upstairs, he packed his bag, and that was it. The kids and I, you know, just quickly walked him to the door and made him a cup of coffee for the drive because it was nighttime and. And then, and that was it.

It was our normal routine. Like, there was nothing out of the normal. It was so we had done it a million times before, you know, sending him off to a fire. And the one thing that I think was so unique about that evening, which had never been done before, was my daughter took a picture of Ryan and I. We were hugging, we were saying goodbye, and my daughter took this picture.

And it's so precious. It's, you know, Ryan and I are hugging, but the focus of the picture is on Ryan. You only see his face and he's hugging me. And, but he just has like this look on his face, even though his eyes are closed. And it's just like the, you know, those hugs were always a little bit tighter because we didn't know when he'd be home after being sent away to a fire.

It could be days, it could be weeks. We had no idea.

So those hugs were always a little bit different, but I've never had a picture of it. And so when I look back at that and, you know, the fact she was 12 years old and she thought to take this picture of the two of us, and she truly captured our very last moment together, our very last hug, our very last. Just Everything, you know, like that was it. He got in the car and drove away, and that was the last time we all saw him.

So, you know. looking at it, it was such a regular day. It was such a normal day. But that one moment now in hindsight, I can see was an absolute gift from God that He put that on my daughter's heart to do that. And it's something that I keep.

Everywhere, forever. Yeah, I mean, it's little things like that that show that God is intricately involved in the details of our lives, right? That He cares. And you see little tidbits of that throughout your book. That there's little things that only the Lord would know.

You know, when the person came by to fix your AC. And just the name on the van, which I'll leave that for our readers to discover, but um. But There's little, there's little touches of God saying, I see you in this, and I'm going to reserve this for you.

So, you had gone to the gym the next morning, and what were the text messages that you had seen? You had a text message from Ryan initially, right? What was that? I'm sorry. You had a text message from Ryan initially on your phone.

Okay. Yeah. He, anytime that he was at the station or at a fire, he would always send me a text in the morning to say good morning if we were apart.

So again, it was your typical, you know, good morning, babe. I love you. And, and that was it. You know, nothing, again, nothing spectacular, nothing that signified or signaled that there was going to be, you know, an end of communication. And I was at the gym.

I, I. was on my way out and I looked down, saw my phone, like, oh, he sent me a text. They shot him a text back, you know, oh, like, good morning, babe, just leaving the gym. I love you. And, and that was it.

And that was. I think it was around like 6.15 in the morning. And I found out later, much later that the accident had occurred around six, between 6.20 and 6.30 that morning.

So I remembered later that afternoon, the day of his accident, because he had the read receipts on his phone. And I remember going to my phone to see, well, did he at least see my text message? Because I didn't. That was it. That was our last communication.

And I saw that he read it, I think at like 6.17 or something like that.

So literally read it minutes before the accident happened. And I was just so grateful that we even had just, again, just our normal, our normal communication, you know, just our normal, oh, I love you. But, but I felt like, okay, at least we got to say it. You know, like he told me, I told him.

So, there was no wondering, you know, about anything like that. And even the night before the accident, it was the same. We had exchanged text messages, and I remember we had a conversation about one of the kids and. It had the potential to go sour, you know, because it's kid talk, you know, and parent talk. And it didn't, it didn't at all.

Like we both heard each other in this. And then I remember for whatever reason, again, God, I felt the pressing to tell him how much I appreciated him in that text message. And I was, you know, I remember I texted him, I said, I just, I love you so much, and I just, I appreciate everything that you do for us and everything that you are. And I just, I love you. And it was just, that was a little bit more than I would normally send through a text message.

And I just, again, like, I'm so grateful that he went to sleep feeling that and knowing that. And, you know, a few minutes before, you know, he was called home, then he got to at least see one more time how loved he was by me. That's such a beautiful mercy of the Lord. And another mercy that we'll talk about when we come back is the fact that when you got that devastating call, you were not alone. And typically, you would have been alone on your drive into work, and yet the Lord in His kindness saw fit for you not to be alone.

So, when we come back on Hope in the Morning, we're going to hear how the Lord showed His mercy to you yet again. John 13.35 says, By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another. Do you know how to best love and serve your hurting brother or sister in Christ? Listen to Hope in the Morning and be equipped to offer the hope of Jesus to every hurting heart. To learn more or to partner with our ministry, visit us at hopeinthemorning.org.

Have you ever struggled to comfort a grieving friend? John 11:35 says, Jesus wept. When Jesus was told by Mary and Martha that their brother Lazarus had died, Jesus wept. Today on Hope in the Morning, we invite you to learn what it looks like to weep with those who weep. Learn what it means to sit in the ashes and be encouraged that even in our morning, there's hope.

His name is Jesus. Visit hope in the morning.org to learn more. As a grief counselor with years of experience, I can testify that Hope in the Morning is one of the best resources out there. Out of all the grief books I've purchased and that others gave me, this is the book that has helped me the most. These stories don't showcase the individuals as heroes who battled and conquered the worst.

The stories of Hope in the Morning provide a marvelous perspective, allowing the listener to focus on Christ rather than self. These stories remind me of who my Savior is and that there is truly hope in the morning. To learn more, visit us at hopeinthemorning.org. All right, welcome back to Hope in the Morning. I am joined today with Jen Osler-Bolton, and she is the author of Always Kiss Me Goodnight.

She is also the widow of a brave firefighter. And he lost his life in the line of duty. And she's talking about not only the sorrow that you faced during those days, but really the mercy and the fact that the Lord, He did. Bind up your wounds, like scripture says. It doesn't mean that they're not there still, it doesn't mean that you don't still carry those scars and those aches from that love that you carried for Ryan, and I'm sure still do.

But the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He didn't leave you in those ashes.

So we were talking about the morning. That you had left the gym and you saw that text message where your husband had said, I love you, and you wrote back, I love you too, babe. And you found out many weeks or months later that that was just minutes prior to Ryan going home to the Lord. But you had somebody in the car with you when you received that life-altering conversation via voicemail, really initially. Can you tell us about that?

Yeah, absolutely.

So my mom and I worked for the same pediatric office, but we did not typically work together in the same location, just one day a week.

So I traveled back and forth between our two office locations where she stayed stationary at one. And the only day that we ever drove together were Wednesdays. And it's just because I was not traveling between offices that day. And so Ryan's accident happened on Wednesday morning, but he had left for the fire Monday night. And so, you know, I think about that because the reason that the chief had to call me was because they didn't know where I worked and they didn't know how to get a hold of me.

But because this was a line of duty, you know, accident that had happened on a California wildfire, like it was going to be in the news. quickly. Maybe not his name, but I would have heard that there was a Ventura County firefighter who was killed on this fire that I knew my husband was assigned to. And so to avoid that panic or to avoid me seeing anything like that, the chief had to call me. And so he was trying to find me.

And they had used one of the Ryan's captain at the time, his wife, again, another blessing of God. We had just built this relationship between his captain and his wife earlier in the year.

So she knew to call me. She had my phone number and, you know, just kind of verifying where I worked.

So that way, they were going to come to my office to come and escort me home and give me the information. But They couldn't get to me in time. Like, I was too far away from where headquarters was.

So he had to call. And had I not been alone, or had I been alone normally, had this happened on Tuesday morning or Thursday morning or a Friday morning, I don't know how I would have gotten home. I don't know. I don't know. I can't even imagine because the instant shock.

that my body went into. It was, there's really no way to explain it. And, but it's the fact that not, and not only was I with my mom, but my mom was driving.

So she was driving us to work, and I was in the passenger seat, which even that protection over me, like, I look at the way that God did so much. Like, even though, you know, people hear the story and it's like, oh, it's so sad. Like, how can you believe that God would allow this to happen? I have to stop and see if the look Look at all the ways that he knew it was going to happen, but he made sure that I was going to be told safely, that I wasn't going to be alone. I was with my mom of all people.

I wasn't with a coworker. I wasn't with just some person in my life. It was my mom, like, you know, a nurturing parent in my life to be with me in that moment, give me home safely to my kids. You know, just even that care, like, it's so tender. As tragic as it is, I feel so loved by God that He allowed that, that He made sure that it was like, No, let me wait until I know she's going to be okay and she's going to be safe and she's going to, she won't be alone to hear this news.

Because I genuinely don't know what would have happened or how I would have responded had I been alone and operating a vehicle.

So, I thank God constantly for just even that protection over the day. Yeah, you know, a lot of people grapple with God's sovereignty and his goodness. And actually, you said one time in your book that Ryan himself. Struggled with that, that he loved God, but he struggled with seeing the goodness of God because of what he did for a job. And I actually have a cousin who he's a Los Angeles firefighter as well.

And my wife started reading your book, and she couldn't even finish it because she's like, it just hit too close to home. And it's one of those things you see horrific. Things. And it's very hard. I can just imagine how hard it would be to reconcile God's goodness and his sovereignty.

And I think In our human minds, we really can't. We can't do that. We have to trust. That's where our faith comes in: that we trust that God. Is good, God does good, and he is sovereign over our circumstances, but He hates, he hates sin.

He hates death. That's why he came in the form of Jesus Christ. It's why he came to redeem that for us because he hates that. He hates what sin has done to us. And The sorrow that it has caused us, that wasn't his intended will initially.

And Then you went on and you had to tell your children. You had to go to their schools and tell your children, I will let our listeners read those aspects in the book for themselves. But as you brought them home, Can you tell us just kind of what you felt in your own heart and mind as far as Now, these children, you're their refuge. You're their parent going to walk them through.

something you never imagined they would have to go through. Yeah, it's it's something I would never wish on anybody to ever experience in this world. The first couple of weeks were actually just so full of shock. And, you know, it was such a public death.

So there was a lot of, my home was never empty. There was a lot of, there were a lot of people here. There was a lot of planning going on. There was just a lot for two weeks.

So I don't, we didn't even really settle into what would become our new normal until after everything had calmed down. And, you know, being. With the fire service for so long, and this was how this was the only life my kids knew. We were used to Ryan being gone for, you know, up to three weeks at a time. Like, it wasn't anything shocking to us to not have him home.

So, I would say for us, it wasn't really until everything quieted down, and maybe like a month after a month after he died, and I went back to work, and the kids were back in school. And all of a sudden, that's when it started. you know like the realization of like oh this this is permanent this is a This is a real thing that we're going to have to work through: the permanence of his absence because we were used to his absence. You know, I mean, as much as you know, firefighters are regarded as heroes and they sacrifice so much, they do sacrifice a lot of family life. You know, there were things that Ryan missed-you know, baseball games and dance recitals and things like that.

So, again, we were kind of used to that.

So, in one way, it was a little bit tricky. And I do remember having a conversation with God about it in my backyard one day because I thought, I feel tricked because, on one end, this feels normal, because I'm used to being with. You know, the kids and having to make the decisions on my own sometimes, you know, because Ryan wouldn't be available. But then being faced with the permanent reality that, oh, wait, he's never coming back. And it was just, it was a struggle.

But the one thing that I made sure to do with the kids is we talked about it all the time. We still do 10 years later, almost 10 years later, we talk about it all the time because that was the last thing I wanted was for them to bottle it up. And one of the things, especially my daughter, struggled with was: you know, I don't understand how you can say God is good when He took my dad. And as a mom, like, you know, I was still trying to grapple with that because, you know, everything that I say and see now is it all comes from hindsight. I wish I could say that, oh, in the moment I knew exactly what God was doing, but I didn't in the moment.

So being able to talk to the kids about, Their very real feelings and their very real confusion and hurt and anger and all that kind of stuff. It just that became the regular in our home, we just talked about everything and we felt everything. Like I didn't, I didn't hold back. The kids saw me cry. And the most important thing I wanted them to see was that.

Know you can be sad and you can have these moments and you can have the questions and have the things, and that's okay. It's it's we're not going to sit in this forever, it's not going to feel this way forever. And so, I allowed them to see me cry, I allowed them to see me struggle, and and I also allowed them to see me like still going to my prayer closet. You know, they would come in and sit with me, and even though they wouldn't do anything, they would just sit there with me. But they knew I was in there, they knew that I was searching and trying and hoping and you know, finding refuge in that.

Even if they didn't understand it, I still wanted them to see it.

So, life without Ryan after that just became a lot of vulnerability and a lot of opening up just sacred space between us because that's all that we had, that's all that we could do because that was the new normal. Mm. You know, just six months before Ryan died, You had Started a pattern, a habit, right, of going into that prayer closet. He actually helped you make that prayer closet. And you just decided, I want to.

Learn how to discern the voice of the Lord, and another thing that I thought was very cute is you decide I'm going to fast from something.

Well, fast doesn't always mean that you're fasting from eating, it's just something that takes a priority in your daily habits. And so, what did you decide to fast from? My addiction at the time was Diet Coke. I was drinking so much. I didn't even realize how much Diet Coke I was drinking, but that was my fast.

Yeah, because I wanted to do a year-long fast and you can't go a year without food.

So, you know, and it was my first time even learning about, you know, oh, I can do that. I can, I can fast from a daily habit or something that I enjoy. And God immediately was like, Yeah, so it's Diet Coke. That's your addiction. Yeah.

I thought that was so funny, but here you had gone six months without Diet Coke, which was something that you. you know, our habits kind of become comforts to us in a lot of ways. And so you had decided I'm going to sacrifice this comfort of mine. In order to pursue the Lord more fully. And when Ryan died, which you had mentioned in your book, that one of the reasons you had done that is because your daughter was really struggling with some debilitating anxiety.

And so you were really praying for her, like with a very steadfast, persistent maternal. you know um Just strong suit, trying to pursue the Lord, saying, Lord, please take this from her. And Then the Lord took Ryan. Yeah, and you had said it was just, I mean, it's like a tidal wave hits you like, Lord, I. I'm doing my part.

Why would you do this? Why, in this time when I'm serving you more than I ever have, I'm pursuing you more than I ever have. Why would you take what is most beautiful and most cherished in my world? How did you wrestle? with some of those feelings and how did the Lord eventually meet you where you are at in that suffering.

Oh, it was very confusing because, you know, as you said, I. Embarked on a year-long fast for the purpose of.

Well, the purpose I started fasting was for my daughter. And then what I noticed happening within that. Fasting period was my prayers started changing for my daughter.

So originally, I was praying for God to remove the anxiety from her. Because that was my big bold prayer. But then, what after about a month or two, and I saw that, well, she still, she still has the anxiety. This isn't, nothing's working. I started changing my prayer to rather than circumstantial, then it became, okay, God, just give me what I need then to get through this.

So, it taught me how to go to God with something that I can't control, something I can't fix, I can't change. There was nothing I could do about it.

So, I didn't realize at the time he was training me to come to him for just the things that he'll always answer, you know, prayers for wisdom and guidance and just discernment, you know, that type thing.

So, for about a month after Ryan died, like, I wouldn't even open my Bible. I was. I was so confused. I wasn't sure if I even believed the promises, you know, of God. Like, I was so hurt by everything, especially feeling like I've been so dedicated to you, and this is how you repay me.

Like, that's how it felt. But I also had that experience of walking away from God before. And that's where I say, like, that's where my testimony really lies, because I knew what life would be like if I let go of God. Like, and that scared me more than anything.

So even though I didn't trust it, even though I wasn't sure about it, I didn't know where to go. I wasn't, you know, scripture at that time just felt just like words on a page. I hadn't reached into like my heart of trusting it again. But I don't, but I knew if I walked away from God that it was just going to be worse for me. I knew he was there and I trusted that much.

And that was all that I needed. I just needed to trust that he was there. I didn't need to understand. I didn't need to understand. And so I, and because he had trained me to pray through circumstance, circumstances, that's what I just kept doing.

So my prayer journal is just full of, you know, like, I, I just, I need your help. I need your help. I can't do this. Like, I'm too weak. I'm too afraid.

I'm too whatever. Like, you need to fight my battles for me, please. Like, I can't do it. You know, the typical prayers of protection, but I just kept asking God to just give me wisdom, show me that you're here so that I know you're here, so that I trust you're here. And I just kept ending every single prayer with, I love you, I trust you, and I need you, because those things, those three things were true.

I loved God. I needed God and I trusted God and I didn't have to understand him. And we're not called to, you know, we're not like God says, you know, we could never understand what his plans are. You know, we're not supposed to. And so I found a lot of ways that he would show me that he was near because that was my biggest thing is I needed to see it because everything else just felt so, like, I just didn't get it.

I didn't understand it. And then I needed him to show me. And so he did. And so in the little ways that he would, you know, whether, I mean, it would be something as simple, like I say, like pink skies are God's love notes to me. And, you know, it'd be a week straight of just the most beautiful pink skies.

And I just felt in that moment, like, okay, he sees me and he hears me. And so that's what kept me going. And he just met me right there with whatever it was I was asking for. In the Psalms, it says that because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.

So, going forward with that, that was actually one of my favorite things that I read in your book when you said that you stopped praying for your individual circumstances and really just started praying for things that you know God will answer, like prayer for wisdom and guidance and discernment. We forget that a lot of times. And so A lot of times, if we would switch our prayers, it would change the way that we view how God answers them. Right, because a lot of times we pray with a specific outcome in mind. But our mind is not that of Christ.

And so we can't possibly know what the better is that he has for us. And when we pray for things like, Lord, give me wisdom, help me trust you, help me love you through these things. Those are the prayers that Weave this strong Rope. Through our circumstances, something we can cling to and hold with certainty to when all else. feels uncertain.

I mean, I can only imagine, Jen, how Uncertain your future must have felt in those weeks, months, even years past that, just thinking, Lord. What are what are you doing? You know, what are my children going to go through? What is life going to be like? And I think you had mentioned this as well.

And I know I've heard other widows say this, but it's something that really sticks with me. The fact that once you lose a spouse and you have young children. every milestone becomes a heartache as well. Because it's everything that you're seeing your child do and accomplish. Your heart is wishing that your spouse was there to see that as well.

So, you actually, as the Lord moved you several years past the death of Ryan, and I'm sure you are continuing to walk your children through that on a daily basis. But your heart did start to feel a yearning to have companionship again, to be loved and be in a relationship and a marital relationship again. And not only which again. I've actually done the same thing as far as the list goes: like, here's all my things and what I want. And I think I did that when I was like 14, and I kept it in this little box and I gave it to my husband.

I was like, You had these were high standards that you had to live up to. You wrote out a list like that as well. And I just have a great sense of humor in your book where you talk about, try that, God. You know, here's my list of 15 or 20 items. Good luck with fulfilling that.

And Not only do I think that that is a great list that you did, but you wrote a letter to. your future potential. Husband that the Lord might bring in your life as a new season of love, as we've called it before here, a second spring, where the Lord takes you through this winter and gives you new life. Can you read us what that letter was? It's on page 130.

Yeah, I would love to. Thank you. Yeah. My glasses on here, so sorry. Yeah.

Okay. It was March 5th, 2019. to the one I haven't met. I first have to tell you that I never planned on loving you. I had a husband, a wonderful husband.

and he loved me with every ounce of his being. he would have stopped at nothing to give me everything. He was my future, and I promised to love him for ever. I never imagined you while I was dreaming about my future. In all honesty, I'm scared to meet you.

I don't know who you are, but I already know what I need from you. I need you to understand that loving me involves loving my late husband. What you love about me is the product of what I shared with him. He is the father of my children, and I search their mannerisms for hints of him each day. For my kids, I will never stop talking about him.

I won't erase him from our hearts or allow us to live as though he didn't. his pictures will still be visible, his name will still be said. His birthday will be celebrated, and his death will be honored. Milestones will touch my family throughout the years. and my heart will cry each time, wishing he could see his children, or hear the cry of his first grandchild.

Please don't ask me to stop loving him. And please don't assume I will stop missing him. I need you to know that there will be places within my heart that you cannot possess. It's not because I don't trust you, nor is it because I can't love you. but because those pieces of my heart will forever belong to the story that was written before you entered this chapter.

I need you to know that I realize you are different. I understand that your love for me won't look the same. I need your patience as I try to remember what it's like to be loved. especially when it's coming from an unfamiliar heart. I know this is a lot to ask of you.

I know you're probably scared to love me, wondering if you'll ever compare to the memory of the man I loved first. The truth is. My late husband left something for me to share with someone like you. Because of his love. I see the world differently.

and because of his death, I live each day passionately. I will cherish every moment given with you. I will pay attention to the small things that are embedded in your character. I will enjoy the minutes in between moments and the precious seconds between minutes. I will honor your heart.

value your time and embrace your touch. I will not take our days together for granted, and I will always search for ways to let you know that I am holding your place in my heart. The same as I am holding his. I don't know who you are yet. But if we ever meet, please love all of me.

the broken pieces, the healed wounds, and the visible scars on my heart. I'm not damaged. And I'm not hopeless. I'm tender and I'm scared. Like delicate pottery pieced together after shattering, so is my heart in your hands.

but if you are willing to gently hold it and protect it as best as you can. then I am willing to release my grip and allow my hands to begin writing our story. Can't wait to meet you. I don't know how you made it through that without crying. That was hard.

I had to stop for just a moment. That made me cry. You know, the thing that's so amazing about what you wrote there, Jen, is that. You You trust the Lord. You poured out in words what you were trusting the Lord for, that you had this desire.

You loved Ryan. You had a beautiful marriage. You had beautiful children. You had made this wonderful life together. And not the least of which is the fact that you had come to know Christ together.

That's a pretty profound thing to go through in life when God takes you from death to life. But to allow your heart to be opened, to say, Lord, I trust you in this new season, and this is the desire of my heart. But to also be willing to acknowledge, even in letter form, before you met the man that the Lord now has brought to you as your husband, to be able to say that. You will love him. You will love him in a unique way that you could not have loved him without Ryan.

But that to love him does not mean that you won't love Ryan anymore. And I follow you on Instagram as well. And I'm pretty sure that you had said this: that sometimes people. They no longer think of you as a widow once you're remarried. But you you carry those scars always.

And so To Think of someone as no longer Grieving, no longer needing to hold space for their grief when it inevitably comes up at random times, even. is really to misunderstand what grief is. What We're going to go back to who the Lord brought in your life in just a moment, but what would you say? The church can learn. about how to truly minister to widows Oh, gosh, there's so many ways to in reality.

There's the obvious ways, you know, of service and checking in and showing up. And the church that I was a part of at the time was phenomenal with that.

So there's the obvious ways, but I really do think that one of the ways that the church can do well to honor and help a widow is to allow her room to explore what God has for her, as long as it's in alignment with God. And I say that because a lot of times the reason people put a timeline on widowhood is because it makes them uncomfortable. Because it's, you know, well, it's people who say, like, well, I could never imagine, or I could never, you know, I would never be able to love someone again, or I would never, and that's because they've never had to walk through that.

So we end up putting a lot of timeline on widows with what we feel is appropriate. And it's just because that's what makes us feel comfortable. And the reality is, is that. We don't know, we don't know what timeline God has and what that looks like, or what He has planned for the widow. And so, I really do encourage people, you know.

Keep her connected with God, of course, you know, and in prayer and things like that. But, but in reality, let her explore because the truth is, is that we don't know, like, we don't know what we're feeling or what we're thinking. And, you know, before I, before I even met my second husband, you know, I was like, well, let me, let me get online and see what's out there. And I felt sick to my stomach, you know, looking at just pictures of other men and because I wasn't ready. Like, God, God knew I wasn't ready yet.

So He didn't put that in me. But I kept that a secret from so many people because I was so afraid of what people would say. And I was afraid of judgment. And I was afraid of people putting a timeline on me and saying, well, of course you felt that way. It's only been, you know, a year and a half or whatever it might have been, you know, and I think eliminating that timeline and just entering into exploration with the widow of what she's feeling, because the reality is, is she doesn't know what she's feeling.

She doesn't know, you know, how something's going to make her feel until she stops. Steps into it. And so, with that guidance and with that care and prayer over her as she's exploring that. I think it's one of the best ways that we can show up for widows is to just walk with her through it instead of putting a timeline or expectation of her in regards to what makes us feel the most comfortable. Yeah, and keeping in mind that that timeline really is different for everybody as far as when you're ready for things, because I've interviewed people before where people felt like they.

Their timeline was too quick, that they found love too quick. And it's like, but their marriage vows were completely fulfilled, right? That covenant. it's till death do us part and so to think that there needs to be You know, six months, nine months, a year before somebody you new is able to enter your life is not always true for everyone. In the same regard, that you can't assume, oh, it's been two, three, four years.

Why are you still sad about this? Why do these dates still make you sad? My grandmother is a new widow last year, and she was married for 75 years. But we were speaking on the phone, and she said, you know, it's like. It's like your leg gets cut off, and people come around and say, Why are you crying?

You still have your other leg? And That Like, we want to be different than that within the church, right? We want to be people's safe haven because we want to be Christ-like, and that's He's our refuge and our stronghold.

So, going back to that beautiful letter that you wrote. I can't help but see throughout your book as a theme that the Lord really brought you to a place of surrender. Starting six months before Ryan went to heaven. He had taught you how to surrender things that you. You held dear, you know, all the way from Diet Coke to your husband, you know, from things that are trivial to things that are life-altering.

And The Lord in his timing. How did he answer this letter that you had written?

Well, that is the biggest thing: is that I fully surrendered my desire. I told God what I hoped for, you know, and what I hope this future husband would look like. But I genuinely was, I remember telling God, like, I'm okay if that's not part of our story. And if it's, if it's just me and you, God, forever, then, then I'm totally, I'm okay with that. I don't, I didn't, I didn't want anybody more than I wanted God.

And so I think until I got to that place where God was like, okay, so I am the only one who can fulfill you. And you know that.

Okay. We can go forward then. But, but I truly meant that. I truly was like, if there's nobody else, then that's fine. Like, I'm really, really okay with it.

And the way God would do it, because he's God, you know, he brought this man into my life. And it was truly so divinely orchestrated. I was speaking at an event, a firefighter event. It's an international. It's Firefighters for Christ.

It's an international group. And they had hired me to come speak to the ladies about hope and God after tragedy. And I remember. Thinking, like, I mean, I was so excited to go and talk, but I thought, well, yeah, I got to go and talk to this group of fire wives about. you know My husband, who died while on a fire, like, this is their worst nightmare.

I'm standing, you know, up on a stage. Sharing with them that you know a nightmare can become a reality. Like, I don't know how this is going to go. Um, but the thing that gave me so much peace with it is that the camp, it's a Christian camp here in California, um, Hume Lake. And the year before Ryan died, there was a fire that was surrounding the lake there.

And he was on that fire for three weeks. And I remember he came home and he had told me about this camp. And he had said, you know, the staff was so great. And they told all of us firefighters, you know, we could bring our families back next summer. And, you know, it was so amazing.

It was beautiful. And he had been hiking through the brush, you know, with hose line and he came across this little brown chapel. And it was, you know, no bigger than a little dollhouse. And he took a picture and, you know, came home and shared it with me. And it was just, it was just this really special thing.

And I thought, wow, like this was in the middle of the forest. He found this little chapel and he thought of me and wanted to tell me about it. And it was just really special. And so when I was invited to speak. And the event was being held at Hume Lake Christian Camp, which is the camp that Ryan worked to save.

I already felt so like this was so surreal that God would bring me here to this place that I never got to visit because Ryan died the next year and he worked to protect this place. And now I'm coming to speak with him. You know, and I had no other thought about being there.

Now, all my friends had thoughts about me being there because they were like, oh, you're going to meet your future husband there. And I was like, no, that's something I definitely don't want. I don't want a firefighter. I don't, I'm done with the fire life. I don't, I don't want to live that life anymore.

You know, I love when I, when we tell God things, and God's like, that's funny. That's hilarious. I remember that it was the day before I was speaking, and my cousin and I were walking. And, you know, and it's, I mean, there's, there's no place like it I've ever seen on earth. It's so peaceful there.

There's truly, there's no cell phone connection. Like you were, you are out there to just be in God's presence. And I remember, you know, I just, everything felt so peaceful and so beautiful. I was just in awe of being in this place, like just, you know, the connection it had to Ryan and just all these things. And her and I are walking down, and I started to feel really anxious.

And I thought, well, this is not like me. I don't, I don't struggle with that. I get the normal nerves, you know, like we all do, but, but I don't, I don't, I'm not prone to panic attacks or things like that. But my heart was just racing and I started getting real like clammy in my hands and I felt shaky in my body and to where I was like, I need to go and sit down. Like, I need to get some water or something.

I'm not feeling. Right. Like my body felt like just jumbly. I can't explain it. And as we were walking, continued walking, we crossed paths with these two gentlemen and I.

I, the one gentleman stood next to me and. I could feel that he was really tall and had this, you know, presence about himself. And everything just kept intensifying. And I was just like, oh my gosh, I can't, like, I really need to go and sit down. And I remember he introduced himself to me, and I looked up at him, and as soon as we made eye contact, I like everything just amplified, and I didn't know anything about him other than he had an Irish accent.

And I was just, and I, everything was, I couldn't talk, everything was gone, just everything was completely gone. And I couldn't explain what the feeling was, but it rattled me a lot. And, you know, I had. Excused myself after an exchange that we had had, you know, the four of us together. And I excused myself to connect to Wi-Fi and contact my kids.

And I remember receiving this text message from someone who was, you know, joking that I was going to meet my future husband there. And so the text was, you know, were you having fun? Did you meet your husband yet? And I sent a text back and I said, I did. He's from Ireland.

And that was, and I just knew I was going to marry him, but I didn't know anything about him. I didn't know if he was already married. Maybe he had a girlfriend. I had no idea anything about him, but everything in my soul. Woke up in that moment because prior to meeting him, as I shared earlier, like just the thought of even dating.

Truly, like, I had a physical, like, I felt sick to my stomach with just the thought of it. But I, I, there was just something there. And now, of course, you know, seven years later, hindsight, I'm like, oh, that was the spirit who was like waking me up, like, pay attention, pay attention, you know, something's happening. And And that was it. And we got married seven months later.

What did that transition look like for you, introducing him to your children?

Well, he lived in Ireland. He's from Northern Ireland. And this is where I just thank God. I thank God for the long distance because it allowed a slow introduction of the idea of dating or someone else coming into our lives to my kids, and it wasn't in their face. It wasn't like every weekend he's coming over or mommy's going out on a date.

Everything, because it was long distance, was like this. It was, you know, talking on FaceTime and they got to know him that way. But the kids and I had talked before about the possibility of someone coming into our lives because I, you know, I was only 36 years old and I didn't want to be alone, you know, for the rest of my life. I was okay with it if God said so, but my desire wasn't to be alone. And so the kids and I had already kind of talked about, you know, how they would feel about it or what they thought about it.

But that's also very different versus having it actually happen.

So I am grateful that God knew what my kids would need in that moment and what they needed with that was space. And being forced to, you know, have space between us was really a blessing because it was just, it was slow and we could build trust. And so by the time they did get to meet him, they kind of felt like they already knew him, which, and it was still hard. It was still really difficult, but. You know, it's one of those things that I out of my control.

And I was just like, well, God, if this is what you want, then you'll make a way for it. And if it's not, then I ask you to remove it so that, you know, this doesn't get into a place where we're all going to end up hurt. And God really blessed, I think, that surrender to the whole situation because I'd never done this before. Ryan was the only man I'd ever known.

So even talking to Michael was. was new to me. Yeah, again, I mean, going back to that theme of surrender that you noticed throughout your testimony here. And I was going to ask you, too, because you mentioned the fact that you really did not want to marry another firefighter because you'd lived that life. And not only was it a difficult life, but It ended in tragedy for you, and so there's a very normal apprehension to marry another firefighter, and yet Michael is also a firefighter.

And so, I know that many, many wives that are listening today. Are they married to firefighters, or they're married to first responders, or they're married to police officers?

So, getting back to the theme of surrender, how important would you say it is to take the what-ifs captive as a wife to one of those service members? Oh my goodness, there's no other way to live this life. You can't live. Within the first responder life, holding on to the what-ifs. My dad was a deputy sheriff.

You know, Ryan was a firefighter. My whole life, I've actually never known anything outside of the first responder life, but I never believed or I never thought that anything would happen because I lived my whole life, you know, with a first responder in some way.

So it was really hard because, actually, with Michael being a firefighter in Northern Ireland, I really had no control and I couldn't see what was going on. And I couldn't, you know, I didn't know if he was safe, you know, those type of things.

So I really had to let go. And I'll be honest, it was very, very difficult. I struggled a lot with the what-ifs. You know, if I couldn't reach him, or if he, if I woke up in the morning and he hadn't sent me a text message yet, like I immediately went straight to worst-case scenario, he's dead. You know, something happened, and nobody knows to call me and tell me.

And it's really difficult to take those thoughts because. As sad as it is, we do know it's a possibility. Um, I had to 100% like truly take my hands off my husband, my second husband, and give him to God. And I've literally prayed prayers where I have asked God to take my hands off of his safety because I found myself like I sick to my stomach again with just wonder of, well, where is he? Or I would find myself checking, you know, once he moved here and started working for a department here in the States.

I, I immediately, I would, you know, I'm watching the call list and I'm seeing his location and I'm checking all the things. And I, I had to retrain myself, you know, to trust God that, first of all, God loves him more than I do. You know, like God, God, you know, I love my husband deeply, but I don't love him as much as God does. And so God's got him. He's, he's got, he's taking care of him.

But to live in that area of what if, it robs us so much of not only like true freedom. In Christ and true freedom in God, because once we take our hands off a situation, then we can let it go and just be and just be in the moment with God. But when I, you know, for me, I was holding on so tight to I need to know He's safe, I need to know it's not gonna happen again, I need to know, and I had to truly tell myself, like, just, You don't need to know. It's okay. Like it's really okay.

You saw that God got you through it before. If something were to happen to him again, God's going to get you through that too, you know, and not just with first responder life, but with anything. With my kids, as soon as my kids started driving, my goodness, I was like, you know, I need to know they're safe too. I do track them though, just to make sure they're behaving. Yes.

But you know, it's hard, it is really, really hard because we do face a reality of, you know, and like something I always tell people is that badge comes before me. You know, like my husband made an oath to put himself, you know. out into harm's way for the sake of the public and as difficult as that is to accept. If we live in the what if, we're just going to be anxiety-ridden all day long, every day, you know, and we lose that trust in God where God's like, if you just let go, then you can actually be present and you can see what I do have for you. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I would highly recommend your book, Always Kiss Me, Goodbye. And I think that you have great advice and you have a wonderful Instagram page, too, that I think especially wives that are married to firefighters would find great encouragement because there is such peace when you can surrender. Everything all the way down to that which is most precious, which is your husband and your children.

So, thank you so much for joining us today on Hope in the Morning. And Jennifer's story reminds us that even in the shock of sudden loss and the long road that follows, God's faithfulness does not waver. As Lamentations 3:22-23 tells us, The Lord's loving kindness indeed never ceases. For his compassions never fail. They're new every morning.

Great is your faithfulness. If you're walking today through grief, may the truth steady your heart. Even in the darkest valleys, the mercies of God will meet you there again and again, and His faithfulness will carry you through. Jen, thank you so much for joining us today on Hope in the Morning. Thank you for having me.

It was such a pleasure. Hope in the Morning is a non-profit ministry that seeks to encourage the hurting, equip those who walk beside them, and evangelize the lost with the hope of Jesus Christ. to partner with our ministry or to make a donation in your loved one's honor. Please visit hope in the morning.org. Your donation helps keep these stories of hope on the air.

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