The Underground Issues in Marriage

What about that friend who tells you, you know, you really ought to do whatever you want to do. Forget the restrictions and responsibilities of your marriage and family. You are the most important thing to you.

Shouldn't you find another friend? What about the movies and television that glorify fornication and adultery? How many movies have you ever gotten up and walked out on? What about the books you're reading? What about the music you and I listen to? The average Christian here at this point would say, you know, man, you need to loosen up. The psalmist would say, you need to look out. The truth is, most people only focus on what's visible, whether it's communication, habits, or expectations. But just like a building that seems fine until it suddenly cracks, the real issue is usually hidden. Today, Stephen will uncover the underground issues that affect marriages.

You'll hear how ignoring these deeper problems can lead to instability. And you'll discover what God's Word says about the roots of a healthy marriage. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her pastor, and she was absolutely hysterical. She was crying. Pastor, she said, Bill and I have had a fight, the first fight, and it was absolutely awful. I mean, it was terrible. What am I going to do? And he said, well, you know, calm down, Joanna.

It isn't really nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first argument. It's all part of the picture.

She said, well, I know, I know, but what do I do with the body? Well, I read recently about the construction of a town hall building in a small northern Pennsylvania town. All the citizens were really proud of their little red brick building. It was kind of a long awaited dream for these citizens, for their little town. Not many weeks after moving in, strange things began to occur. Several doors failed to shut completely. Windows weren't opening or closing smoothly. After a few more months, the front door wouldn't even shut and the roof had begun to leak. An intense investigation was launched to try to figure out what was going on, and it revealed that deep underground blasts from a mine several miles away were sending underground shockwaves that were weakening the earth beneath the building of their little town hall.

It was almost imperceptible, but it was happening just ever so slowly, one little shudder after another. Marriage has to do with soil, frankly, issues that are hidden away and out of sight. And the theme of the conference correctly focuses on what we could call underground issues.

The theme text, in fact, points our attention to the roots of a tree that are clutching good soil, hidden deep underground. The average person thinks that marriage has to do with everything above ground, that if you work on a window on the second floor or perhaps if you fix something that's working in the plumbing or maybe you change the color of the front door. In fact, most marriage counseling in the world begins and ends today with the visible, what we see. Fix this, fix that, get your spouse to do this, cook that, do this for you, wear that, whatever.

Frankly, it becomes an exercise in self-focus. It merely makes a husband and a wife even more self-absorbed and more self-centered than they might have been before marriage. One survey I read this week had, by a margin of three to one, Americans saying that the main purpose of marriage was personal fulfillment. It had nothing to do with servanthood. It had nothing to do with demonstrating the mystery of Christ and his relationship with the church. It had nothing to do with the desire to bring glory to the creator of life and the creator of marriage. It had nothing to do with the raising of a godly heritage.

It had nothing to do with living out the character of Christ. It was simply all about us. In other words, I married him because I believed that he would meet my needs and fulfill my life. I married her because I thought she'd make me happy and she seemed dedicated to meeting all of my needs. Isn't that the foundation and the purpose of a good marriage? Now I've read that 85% of marriage counseling is initiated because either the husband or the wife, sometimes both, believe their spouse is not meeting their needs. One counselor I read was rather bold and actually quite funny when he wrote that most men who come to see him and complain about their wives and describe what they want out of marriage really don't need a wife.

What they really need is a golden retriever. That's really the relationship they're describing, somebody to live for them. This kind of attitude causes us then to try to fix our marriages by dealing with symptoms governed by our own feelings, sort of bound up by all of our own hurts. We depend upon our spouse's behavior and when they don't come through, marriage fails. The trouble is when we focus on one another only, when we only look at the visible and certainly visible things are worth looking at.

Trouble is we never go underground. You see what makes a marriage is not so much related to the visible but to the invisible like the roots of a tree. So let's go to Psalm chapter 1 and let's kind of put on our headlamps and get our miner's gear on and let's dig into the soil of what God through the psalmist here in this chapter says makes a good relationship certainly in marriage and throughout all of life. Psalm 1 is six verses long and so what I'm going to do is just simply expound on a few key words.

But let me begin by reading a few of the first verses. How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or the ungodly nor stand in the path of sinners nor sit in the seat of scoffers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in his law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. And in whatever he does he prospers.

The wicked are not so they are like chaff which the wind drives away. Now you can easily outline this psalm simply enough the first point in verse 1 is refusing the counsel of the world. Verse 2 is loving the counsel of the word and verses 3 and forward are simply giving us the results in life based on whatever counsel you choose to follow.

Now what the psalmist does first in verse 1 is tell us what not to do if we wish to destroy life and you can certainly put in the word marriage or relationships. He begins with the words how blessed is the man. In other words everything I'm going to tell you brings true fulfillment and true joy. The Hebrew word for blessed means joyous or happy but it goes deeper than that the root meaning of this word refers to someone who is actually moving forward. Someone who is advancing.

You can even relate it to someone who is leading the way. The Hebrew word actually paints a picture of a person who is pressing forward in life with clearly set goals and godly pursues. This is the same concept of the Apostle Paul who wrote that he was pressing on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus in Philippians 3 14. So the blessed person in this psalm is someone who is advancing in the right direction. And would you notice that there is a potential progression of this person's movement effect you might circle three key words in verse 1 the word walk the word stand and the word sit. Here's the progression verse 1 again how blessed is the man who does not walk in the council of the wicked. Now the word walk suggests that a person is listening at this point to the council of the ungodly.

It's a casual nuance. He's not serious but but the ungodly have gained his ear. He's listening. They're kind of on their way but some ungodly person is saddled up next to them and and this individual the implication as a believer is is listening. They wouldn't say at this point they're agreeing with the ungodly one but they're flirting with it. They're just listening. The psalmist takes us to the next step in this spiral downward notice nor stand in the way of sinners. Now at first they're listening.

Now they're agreeing with them. The word stand here in this verse is another key word it has the idea of taking one's place with the unbeliever. The words by the way for the for the unbeliever here are referring to people who who are determined to live life on a horizontal plane.

There's no vertical relationship with God. In other words these people might not be cursing God they just ignore him. They are what one author called practical atheists. They say there is a God but they live in practical terms as if there isn't. You might work around people like this.

You might go to church with people like this. God really doesn't matter. He really doesn't factor in.

Decisions are made without him. Life is lived without any connection to him except maybe an hour or two on Sunday. So this is the warning in Psalm 1 and their advice he's saying is like undertow it can be fatal.

The psalmist is effectively saying don't slow down as you press on. Don't get sidetracked. Don't invite their counsel into your life. It's the worst thing you could ever do because you just might buy it.

And what you buy or believe you just might act upon. Their voices are heard everywhere aren't they? ABC News carried the story of a law firm a few months ago that created a billboard in the Chicago area targeting the young of the wealthy Gold Coast clientele. The billboard read life's short get a divorce. That's all it said.

Life's short get a divorce. And on either side of the words and I looked it up and I saw the billboard were sensual photographs one of a man and one of a woman. Now within a week the city took that down citing technical difficulties. The truth was some people complained.

The legal firm defended the billboard and by the way it was an all female legal firm. And they said and I quote we find the advertisement refreshingly honest and insightful. It's true people are unhappy. There are plenty of options out there.

Get a divorce and get on with life. If the primary purpose of marriage is self fulfillment then the ad makes absolute perfect sense and it could be praised as honest and maybe even insightful. Because if marriage is slowing down your party get rid of it and move on. One writer to the editor of this news program said this in response and I quote for those who think this is insight.

How about placing a five year old girl and an eight year old boy somewhere in the background clutching daddy or mommy as they leave the house for someone else. That would be honest. The danger of the progression is this to listen to them leads to standing alongside of them and eventually settling in with them. Begin with listening then agreeing and then becoming settled making ungodly counsel than your own personal conviction. That's why the psalmist says this and this is what he meant at the end of verse one.

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers. Now you're seated you're sitting down you're entrenched you're deceived now by it all. And you notice again the progression from walking by to settling down and basically moving in. What began with a casual conversation becomes a walk which becomes a way of life which becomes companionship which now leads to personal compromise that ultimately becomes personal conviction. The path of blessedness here is abandoned and now self rules all relationships certainly it invades the marriage every activity every pursuit people especially spouses only matter for whatever they can give you and however they can serve you. This is death to the joy of marriage. Don't give the world's counsel even a casual hearing.

So let's think about that. What about that co-worker who tells you how great their life is now that they've dumped their spouse. Shouldn't you find somebody else to eat lunch with. What about that friend who tells you you know you really ought to do whatever you want to do forget the restrictions and responsibilities of your marriage and family you are the most important thing to you. Shouldn't you find another friend. What about the movies and television that glorify fornication and adultery.

How many movies have you ever gotten up and walked out on. Are we giving a casual hearing to the world's council what are the books you're reading what about the music you and I listen to the average Christian here at this point would say you know man you need to loosen up. The psalmist would say you need to look out. Be careful. We want you to be blessed. This is God's design in all of your relationships certainly your marital relationship. We want you to be truly happy. Watch out for the progression. Be careful.

The reality is closer to home than we would want to even imagine. In 2008 the Barna group asked adults predominantly evangelicals which of any seven behaviors with moral overtones they had engaged in during the past week. The results 28 percent had used profanity 20 percent had gambled 19 percent had viewed pornography 12 percent had gossiped 12 percent had gotten drunk 11 percent had lied and 9 percent had been sexually active with someone other than their spouse.

And that was all in the last week. I say all that simply to say that the believer is surrounded by the sights and sounds of ungodly living and ungodly council. And if you want to find true fulfillment certainly in marriage press on and while you are pressing on don't stop to listen.

Don't just stand there move on and whatever you do don't pull up a chair. Don't let the roots of your life go down into the council of the ungodly it will affect the leaves of your life. It will impact your mind and then it will impact your marriage. Telling us what not to do is really not enough is it. Verse 1 tells us what not to do.

That's all there. Verse 2 tells us what to do. The first verse is negative the second verse and the third is positive. Notice verse 2 says here but this is now the contrast but his delight is in the law of the Lord. In other words right at the outset we're told the answer to the world's seductions and the pride of life and the lusts of the flesh and the materialism of our culture and every vice included with its persistent advertisement and call to I me and mine is the law of the Lord. It is revelation from God. This is the message in pilgrims progress. If you've ever read it where pilgrim is running away from temptation and he's clutching the Bible and he is he's shouting life life life. See this is this is the council of life and any council that opposes this book is death.

Death to relationships, death to marriage, death to purpose, death to true happiness. That's why verse 2 turns everything upside down but actually right side up. Notice his delight that is the blessed believer. His delight is in the law of the Lord. Now in the Psalms the law is a reference to the expression of divine will. It is the compass which is able to direct the believer under the providential reign of God. Which means the psalmist isn't referring to one part of God's revelation but all of it.

It's all of it. The apostle Paul will say the same thing to Timothy that the word of God is inspired and profitable for doctrine reproof, correction and training and righteousness so that the man of God the believer will be thoroughly entirely equipped into every good work. 2 Timothy 3 16 and 17. It's all about God's revealed truth. Some people might get a hold of a verse or two and twist it so they basically get their way.

No this is a reference to a balanced interpretation of the whole council of God. Not our favorite verse. It's funny I read about one man who got a verse or two from a book he'd read entitled Man of the House during his commute home from work. He thought it was time to you know introduce it to his wife. He pointed his finger at her and he said from now on I'm the man of the house. And what I want you to do is fix my favorite dinner followed by my favorite dessert. And after I finish eating I want you to draw my bath and and after my bath guess who will dress me and comb my hair. And his wife said well that would be the funeral director.

Good for her. The psalmist doesn't say we delight in the word because that way we get our way. No he is implying we delight in the word which means God has his way in our lives. Another key word to circle here is the word in verse 2 meditate. And in his law he meditates day and night. The Hebrew word for meditate literally means to sound it out.

Often it's accompanied with another word which means to call to remembrance. You could woodenly capture the nuance of this with the idea of mumbling under your breath the truth of God's word. Meditation refers to the mouth. In fact Psalm 143 verse 5 perfectly defines meditation. David writes I remember the days of old I meditate on all your works I muse on the works of your hands. This is the command of Joshua to not let the book of the law depart from his what?

His mouth. God has spoken right and the idea of biblical meditation is not sitting in silence but recalling and ruminating and going over in our minds and even speaking the truth of what God has already said and it has this attitude then of obeying. And that's the challenge. You see our problem isn't so much that God has said something the problem is we really want him to say something else because we don't like what he said. No true meditation ruminates on what God has already said and therein lies that challenge to obey it. One couple wrote in one of his wonderful books he said one couple came to him and the man said he wanted a divorce he didn't have any feelings for his wife and Luther said you know he wouldn't give it easily reminded the man that loving his wife was a command not a feeling. And he said to him the Bible says has commanded you to love your wife as Jesus Christ loved the church and the man said well I can't do that. He said well if you can't begin at that level then begin on the lower level of obedience. The Bible also says you're supposed to love your neighbor as yourself. Can you commit to at least loving her as you would love your neighbor?

He said no that's still too high a level. He said well the Bible says to love your enemies start there. You see we sink the roots of our lives into the soil of the written word and the living word with an attitude of surrender and obedience and notice then what happens next. You don't get to verse three without going through verse one and two but now we're where we want to be. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water.

Sounds good doesn't it? Which yields its fruit in its season. Its leaf does not wither and whatever he does he prospers and then bears fruit. I remember as a kid we had a tree in our backyard. We built a tree house in those limbs.

Wasn't much to look at. We nailed boards going every which way. Lot of nails. We love that tree and we love that little tree house. Listen what made that tree house capable of staying up wasn't so much our skill although we had to apply ourselves and what little we knew.

It would be the strength of the tree to carry the weight. I couldn't help but think as I went back to this chapter the best place to build a marriage is up a tree. Nestled in the branches of solid, stable, committed for life men and women. Men and women who are rooted tree-like by conviction to the river of God's truth. Whose hearts, whose ears are open only to the wisdom of Christ. And if you're telling us anything other than the wisdom of Christ our ears are closed.

Our hearts are closed. Men and women who are then nourished and strengthened and stabilized and who ultimately over the years bear some of the fruit of the Spirit of God and long to bear it all. Fruit not for our benefit.

Not so we can go around and admiring each other's fruit. It does benefit us. It plays out in marriages that are stable.

Progressing, not perfect, but moving forward. But ultimately our homes and our marriages bring honor to His name. Honor to His reputation. Honor to His kingdom. His promises.

Because at the end of the day when we pillow our heads what really mattered and what affected everything else is did we in walking this blessed path bring honor and glory to God? Will you choose to plant your roots in God's truth today? This is Wisdom for the Heart with Stephen Davey. If you'd like to dive deeper into the topic of marriage Stephen has written a book entitled For Better or For Worse.

It's a book on marriage that will help you further your understanding of a biblical model of marriage. You'll find that book For Better or For Worse in the store section of our website. Visit wisdomonline.org and navigate to the store.

Then search for For Better or For Worse. Or you can call us and we can give you information over the phone. Give us a call today at 866-48-BIBLE.

That's 866-482-4253. I hope we hear from you today. A good way for you to follow what's going on in our ministry is through our social media channels. Wisdom International is on Facebook, Instagram, X, and YouTube. If you use any of those platforms, be sure and follow Wisdom International. Then join us next time. Thank you.