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So I fly and I go and pick my dad up, and tears are streaming down his face. And he says, You know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life. And I sat there, you know, just stunned because I saw the remorse. And my response could have been.
Well, you're darn right, you know, and you're exactly right. But what I said was, it's okay, Dad. You know, we all have things that we got to work through. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.
And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today.
So, today we're talking about something. I was thinking about it this way. It's like. Most people are walking around. with this little thing they're carryin'.
And they don't even know they're carrying it, but it's a weight. I see it as not just a weight, I see it as. A wound that's open and we're sick inside. We don't even know what normal feels. And our listeners are like, What in the world are you talking about?
Would you name this wound? Yeah, it's actually called the father wound. And Kia Stevens is back with us. She was with us yesterday talking about her book, Overcoming Father Wounds. Kia, welcome back.
Hey, it's great to be back with you talking about such an upbeat topic. I'm so glad to be here. No, I'm really excited about this because, as we said, most of us, I would guess, are walking around with wounds. I had a great dad, like he was present. He was a good man.
He was a really not a believer for years and years. And we had hard conversations about this. I would get mad, he would get mad, but I still had a wound, but at least we could talk about the wound. A lot of us, like you had said yesterday, your dad wasn't able to receive maybe the words that you were saying, or even you couldn't have the relationship you longed for. And I think that's true for a lot of people.
Let's start here. How would a person know if they have it? Like, can you define it or help us understand?
Well, I don't think I have that, but. Maybe I do. Yeah. And you know, you were saying, and that you thought a lot of people had a father wound. It's actually one in three children grow up with father wounds, and father wounds are synonymous with father absenteeism.
So we know that a father can be absent for a myriad of reasons. It could be divorce, abandonment, abuse, incarceration, drug addiction, alcoholism, as it was in my case, alcoholism. But it could even be working too much. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. A physically present father, but emotionally absent.
And so, if you're listening and you're seeing one of those qualifiers, and there are additional ones, then you may, in fact, have a father wound. You know, in my research, I read this book by Dr. Charles Whitfield. He's now deceased. And he lists inside of this book several needs that need to be met in the child's life.
So things. Like love, attention validation, acceptance, trust, affirmation, safety, security. These are some needs that you need to grow up with that secure attachment style, right, that we were talking about. And there are some needs, I believe, that the father specifically provides, right? Because naturally, we think about these gender roles of like the mother is the nurturer, but the father provides security.
The father affirms the femininity of the daughter. If the father is not in the home to do those things, then the daughter is left to do it for herself. often with costly results. As we see with the statistic, daughters who grow up without a father in the home are X amount more likely to have a teenage pregnancy. Or they're X amount more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol and risky behavior or get involved in crime.
Uh I would venture to say that if we examine the lives, and it has been done, it's been done with prisoners. How many of them did not have a father? Did not have a father? As you were saying all those statistics, I was recalling, I think I was eight years old when I went in the room and my dad always kissed me good night. And so I went into the room where he was to say goodnight to my parents.
And I remember saying, as an eight-year-old, maybe I'm too old to do this now. And my dad said, well, maybe you are. And it was the last time he ever hugged and kissed me. And I remember I went to bed that night and I had this void like I wish I wouldn't have said that. And I hope he still does, but he didn't know.
At that point, I had already had a lot of sexual abuse in my background.
So his hugs, his kiss at night, which was just totally appropriate and beautiful, were the only times I had had affection that was not distorted. And so I'm thinking of the fathers who, even as their girls become teenagers and you're in that awkward stage because she's becoming a woman, let me just say she needs your appropriate physical touch and affection. Because I went on, I was so promiscuous. You talk about this in the book of even some of the signs of possible father wounds and our needs not being met. But dads, like your little girls need this from you in an appropriate way.
Yeah, I actually read a book, Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson, and he talks about that. He talks about the awkwardness and fathers not. Wanting to touch their daughters or hug their daughters because they are starting to look like a woman. And so there's a little bit of uncomfort with that.
But that is the time. That is the time. More so than when they're little. Yes, do it when they're little, but when they are teenagers and they're developing, you know, and they're turning to the opposite sex to define them and to give them the value and the affirmation. When a daughter has received that from her father and she gets a subpar comment or statement from a male, she can easily say, I don't need it.
Yes. I don't need that. I've already got it. My dad already told me who I am. I already know that I'm beautiful.
I already know that I'm confident. It's like you, I've said it this way: you're driving your car and you've got a full gas tank. You drive by a gas station, you don't stop. But when you're almost done empty, You're pulling in and you get in trouble, like you said. And let me just add this: boys need it from their dad, too.
Exactly. Not just daughters, a hug, affection in an appropriate way, a look that says, I believe in you, and I see you, and you've got what it takes. And if a father's not in home, a grandfather, too. Right, that's right. You know, life is how life is, and families are not perfect.
And these parents or parental figures that we've set on pedestals because we love them. They're our parents. You know, they're our parents. We see no flaws. They're our parents.
But when you get old enough, you can say, Well, my dad was a great provider. He was not affectionate. My dad was affectionate, but he wasn't attentive and he didn't come to that volleyball game. Or my dad was a leader in church, But he was absent when he came home. He watched TV all day.
He never asked me about my day or my dad had an affair. Or my dad hit my mom. Or he called her a name. Or for the most of the time, he was even. But every now and then, he would get upset and fly off at the handle.
And he never hit anybody. He never cursed, but it scared me because I'm sensitive. You know, when you get older, you're able to hopefully, prayfully, with counseling and some help, you're able to look at it holistically and with balance and say, this is true, but this is also true. And this is how it has impacted me in my life. Hey, we're hearing from many pastors that couples in their churches aren't falling apart.
but they're not really truly connecting either and there's this quiet drift happening and i know you see it happen because we see it happen every week and you know marriages need support without making things complicated if you've thought about running a marriage or parenting event but didn't want to build everything from scratch this is one of the simplest ways to do it so when you purchase 10 or more workbooks you'll get the full video based study included plus planning support here's what you do go to familylifetoday.com and just click on the link in the show notes and enter the discount code strong families and that's one word strong families Now, how did you heal? And I know we're all still on our journey, but you've got some closure. I have gotten some closure, and then there's some more things that opened up. That's how you go. When you're writing a book, it's kind of like right before you birthed the book, baby.
Oh, yeah. I was like, I don't even know why I'm writing this book in the first place. I don't know if I believe this. Anymore. I don't want to.
I'm just keeping it 100. That's where I was. But a friend of mine pointed out about this book, and I wasn't even intentional in doing that, that the title says Overcoming. And the ING is present progressive, which means it's happening right now. I'm in the process of overcoming the future.
Yes, it's not a period. And so I want to preface anything I say from this point forward with the fact that ING is present progressive. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not far enough or I'm just starting out or I'm too far gone or there's nothing God can do with me. Or look at all these wounds. If you've identified, I got trust wounds and love wounds and affirmation wounds and security wounds.
I'm completely jacked up. There is nothing that God can do with me. I want to bring you back to the ING. I'm still in the ING state, but some of the Tools that I've used, definitely that forgiveness letter was really powerful for me and prayer and counseling. I think there's something to be said about having someone who is clinically trained that is outside of your circle of friends, and they're paid to keep your information confidential that can provide insight into your life.
Counseling is about $150 a session, so that may be overwhelming. I would say start with your church. I actually did that with my church. I'm fortunate that my church had a program. It's called Renew.
So it's not available to the public, but it is a merge of psychology and Christianity, which I think is so needed.
So you look at things like your traumatic childhood experiences and you look at your wounds, your family of origin, and then you begin to trek through like your. Your dominant thoughts. And you do a process called cognitive behavioral therapy, where you identify the thoughts that are driving your behavior. The natural tendency is to say, I am going to change my behavior. You can't do that.
You have to change your thoughts. And then your thoughts will automatically change your behavior. But we can't change our own thoughts because we're not God.
So you have to turn to the Word of God. I'm thinking about what is it, Romans chapter 12, verse 12, 2. You know, do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. You renew your mind with the word of God.
So the blend of the cognitive therapy and the word of God is identifying what is the dominant thought that is driving this behavior. I must perform to feel loved. I must be told that I'm pretty to feel beautiful. I must drive the relationships in order to feel impressive. Important and feel loved.
Just identifying those apart from the word of God might not be enough because they can sound like truth. That's where you need the Bible. That's where you need to pray and spend time with the Lord. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful counselor, and He will say, That's not true. Over time, year one, that's not true.
Year two, that's not true. Year three, that's not true. Year four, that's not true. Year five, you're like, hey, I think that's not true. That's how it's been for me.
But it's been. a roller coaster, you know, where you've See growth and change. Then you go back around the wheel and you're like, have I changed at all? It's so funny you say that. I was talking to a woman not too long ago about, she said, I know you've gone through and healed.
From sexual abuse, I said healing because the first time I really dug down deep, I thought, there it is. I'm free. I'm done. And then it resurfaced. And I thought, what is this?
Lord, I thought this was done. I gave it to you. I thought you healed it. And I feel like He's so gracious in giving us pieces of it that we can stomach because we can't handle it. We can't handle all of it.
We can't handle it all at once. It's too much. And so that's why when we get married, new things arise. When we have kids, something arises. And so God just continues.
He's so gracious. Isn't he healing? And when you're talking that brief tomorrow, my favorite scripture on Philippians 1:6 that says, being confident in this, that he who has begun. A great work. He started it.
Shall be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.
So, as long as we're on that continuum, if I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or if I haven't gotten to where I want to be emotionally and mentally, it's okay. I'm tracking towards perfection. I will be perfected. You know, so I offer that as encouragement. I thought that too.
I'm kind of a check-it-off the box type of person. Did that healing? Boom, we got that. Praise God.
Okay, what's next? What are we having for dinner? That's not reality. And also, that's not comforting. It is not comforting in the church when we do that to people.
Like, oh, you're still grieving your divorce. Wow. Isn't God good all the time? All the time, God is good. Why are you sad?
Because we have the fullness of joy over here. As we talked yesterday, if you have more faith, you'll have our joy. For the people that are in the thing. That we talked about, like, I don't want to deal with it. You said it's like a snake in the corner.
I would say, and I bet you would say this too, Kia, isn't God so gracious that he gives us what we can handle in the moment? He's not going to overwhelm you. It can feel like that at times emotionally, but he's so gracious that he's right there with us. It's so true. I'm in a season of, I'd say that I'm in a character building season.
That's what I give people because I know they can handle that. And they probably can't handle everything else.
So I would say that season is never going to end. Dave, I feel like God dealt with you. Like yours was pretty quick, though.
Well, I shouldn't say quick. I feel like God did so much healing in you as you journeyed through your forgiveness with your dad. Yeah, but I mean, it's still true. Like you're just saying, it's still triggered. I still was doing ridiculous things to try and get seen.
And everything you just said about the lies or the beliefs or the statements you live your whole life believing I need to perform to be loved. If you don't know what those are, that's why it's so critical, like a counselor or somebody to help you identify these are the statements that. Are not true, but you've lived with that have led you to bad behaviors. Because, like you said, we don't connect the behaviors to there's a root. Right.
And that root is a thinking root, and God's the only one that can change that by the word of God.
So. I literally, as a preacher, I literally went on stage with an extension cord wrapped around me. and said, here's what we do, I'm good. And it's like, no. This is plugged in somewhere.
You got to go back and figure out. You got to find out what that is and then say, God, I've got, I need you to do work there.
So I think I'm still in it. I think we all are. Yeah. It never ends. But yeah, God has done an amazing healing for me.
And I think he's then said, I want to use that to heal others. Tell your story. Like you're telling your story. Yeah. So Kia, I'm thinking about your dad after writing this book.
Did he read it? No.
Well, what does he think even about the title? Sure.
Well, you know, the book is like 95% Kia and maybe 5% dad. And so I sent an e-copy of the book to my mom. She read the whole thing and actually went through the exercises. And then with my dad, I knew he wasn't going to read it.
So I fly 800 miles to Texas. That's my hometown. And I go and pick my dad up and take him to a Mexican restaurant. I pull out my little pink laptop because that's where my brother is. Book was at the time, in between some chips and some salsa.
And I'm like, Dad, you know, I want to read my book to you. And so I read a little bit, and he said, Yep, that's the way it happened. My dad has a thick Creole accent. And so then I read a little bit more, and I was like, Are you okay with that? And he said, Yep.
That's the way it happened. And so then I read a little bit more, and I get to the part where my dad wasn't there for anything. He missed every volleyball game. He never interrogated my dates. He never took me to a football game.
He didn't do this. He didn't do that. And I look up. And I'm getting ready to say, Dad, are you okay with that? And tears are streaming down his face.
And he says, You know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life. And I sat there, you know, just stunned because I wasn't expecting, I wasn't prepared. And I saw the remorse. I saw the awareness of what alcoholism had done to not only him. But to me, you know, and I had never seen that.
But I think the beauty in that moment was that, one, I didn't need him to say that I was at peace. And two, That God had showed me my own depravity. Because when He said it, My response could have been.
Well, you're darn right. You know, you're exactly right. But what I said was, it's okay, dad. You know, we all have things that we got to work through. And that what a grace moment.
It was. And I'm so glad I didn't miss it. I could have flubbed it completely. I could have destroyed him had I not been changed by the transformative power of Jesus Christ. Had my life not been dipped in the blood of Christ Jesus, I could have crushed him.
But thanks be to God, you know, I realized in that moment, you and your dad are on an even playing field. His battle was alcoholism, your battle was insecurity, low self-esteem, lying. You know, that was your battle. But we all got him. We all got them.
Battles. And so I'm grateful for that moment. And today we have a working relationship. Not perfect, but working. Let me ask you for the person who has blown it.
Maybe they had that conversation. They didn't let their parent off the hook. What would you say to them now? Because they're thinking, oh, I did blow it. I gave them everything.
I let them have it. That's the beauty of the cross. It's like second chance after second chance after second chance after second chance. It's never. Final.
Even with the forgiveness letter, I've had people write forgiveness letters to their fathers who are dead and gone, six feet under. You can still get your heart right. And certainly, if your parents are still living, I heard this quote that said, if your parents die, They're still your parents. You know, no matter what type of father or mother they are, when they're gone, they are gone. And you want to make sure that you did everything.
What does the Bible say? Make every effort to keep the peace with one another, to live in peace with one another. Do your part. Do your part and trust that God will do His. I would end today saying.
For you today. It starts. I don't even know how you ended up listening today. Maybe you listen every day. Maybe somebody handed you this.
I think God's been speaking the last two days to somebody that's journeying like we have with this father wound. Yeah, and I would say this: get on your knees right now and pray and say, God, I can't do this. I need your help. And then, number two, start the letter. Just start the letter.
You may not finish it today. Start it. Start the journey. Say, God, help me go on this journey. At the end of this journey, and we haven't even used this word yet, but we all know it because we felt it.
There's freedom. Yes. There is freedom. You're in bondage. Unforgiveness, bitterness, revenge, vengeance.
The Lord says vengeance is mine. He's got this. You're in bondage and I've been in that bondage and you cannot become the man or woman God wants you to become. He's created you to be. And this holds you.
The day I forgave my dad, I didn't know it at that moment. I was finally free to sort of step into the man and husband and dad and create a legacy I could never do. It started the day I forgave my dad and it's still journeying and you need to stake that journey today. All right, what a great day with Kia Stevens talking about father wounds. Her book is called Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God's Perfect Love.
And you can get a copy, just go to familylifetoday.com and click on the link. And I'm telling you what, I would get a book for yourself, but also this is one you want to hand out to other people because father wounds is a real deal that we all struggle with. You can go to FamilyLife Today.com and click the link in the show notes to get. Kia's book, Overcoming Father Wounds. We know life is full of challenges and families today need biblical truth more than ever.
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