Tim & Noreen Muehlhoff: Healthy Communication

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So what we're not talking about here is avoidance. We're not talking about like sweeping things under the rug and just ignoring them. But we are saying that there are times that it might be healthy because the climate's a little rough to say instead of trying to head on nitpick and deal with all these things, can we set those aside? and work on the climate of the marriage. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.

I'm Dave Wilson. And I'm Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. All right, welcome to Family Life today.

Today we're going cruising. You know what I'm thinking? I got a song in my head. Let's go cruising now. Everybody's cruising now.

Come on a cruise with me. You know that song? I do know it because I'm old enough to know it. That's not how it goes. It's the Beach Boys about surfing.

But cruising's the same thing. And here's the deal: the Love Like You Mean A Cruise, I'm sure you've heard us talk about it, is a marriage conference. On a cruise ship for a week. Who doesn't want to do that? Every time we talk about this with people at conferences, Everyone is like, we want to do that.

That sounds amazing. There's a cruise like that.

Well, there is. Yeah. And you want to join us because you're going to hear a talk today from Tim and Noreen Muhlhoff that they gave on the last cruise. And there's talks like this every day on the boat.

So you don't want to miss that. It's fun. You get suntan. There's pools. There's excursions.

Everything you can imagine on a cruise. And we're the only people on the boat. It's all Family Life people.

So here's the deal. It's a discount. It goes through June 30th. Go to familylifetoday.com. Just use this code, countdown27, countdown27, and you'll get the discount.

Uh, now through June 30th.

Okay, so we're going to listen to Tim and Noreen Muhoff on last year's cruise. And these are good friends of ours. These guys are phenomenal communicators, and that's what they're going to talk about. They're going to talk about building a healthy communication climate in your home and with each other. I think you're going to love them.

Okay. Oh yeah. The climate dictates what can happen. Because we're about to talk about a communication climate that is just as real as anything outside the door of the cabin of this cruise. You can work against the communication climate in your marriage, or you can improve the climate, and it'll make conversations go better, not perfect, but will make them go much, much better.

Our son Jeremy does triathlons. They said to him ahead of time, you have to have a wetsuit. The water is so cold that you would not be able to swim without one. Boy, that's a great principle as well, is we need to prepare to have conversations. And the way that we think of it in communication theory is this idea of communication climates.

Yeah. So why don't we take a look at what is a communication climate? A communication climate is the overarching sense of value and satisfaction individuals feel as they interact with each other and go about daily activities. And it's just a way to kind of organize our thoughts, maybe give words to some of your conversations. And basically, a communication climate is made up of four elements.

And those elements are expectations, acknowledgement, trust, and commitment.

So again, those are just like four categories or ways to think about what are the elements that contribute to either a healthy climate or a difficult communication climate.

So let's look at the very first one. That would be expectations. We could really apply that to the cruise. Like for those of you who have never gone on a cruise before, like us, what were your expectations of what the cruise would be like? And are those expectations being filled or not being fulfilled?

That's always in the play in the background. Like it's either going to determine whether you have a great experience this week or not.

So those expectations you carried right into your marriage. Like what did I expect married life to be like? What did I expect the first couple years to be like? What did I expect when we had kids? What did I expect how we would discipline the kids?

How we would live our lives? Together religiously, going to church and different things like that.

So, expectations can cause problems if they're not being met. And let's be honest, some of you would say there are expectations in my marriage right now that are not being fulfilled. I mean, certain ones are, but I can think of expectations that I've either had to bury or I've just had to say, maybe this is just never going to happen in the marriage. But those expectations, like a thunderstorm, can be in the background and affect the entire part of the marriage.

So, a way that you can kind of sort your expectations, you take a look at this, is we have two ways. We often talk about our spoken and unspoken expectations. We talk about realistic and unrealistic.

So, there's a gap, right? We have a gap between our expectations and reality. And what lives in here is discouragement, sometimes disillusionment, sometimes anger. Right, so we want to look at what are some ways that we can close this. To do that, we either need to change our expectations or change our reality.

And both are possible. The other thing that we found is that often we don't even realize we have expectations until they're not met. Yeah. Right. Suddenly you're like, oh, I'm disappointed.

Why am I disappointed? I didn't even know I expected that. We found that out really early in marriage. Our first year married, Tim's birthday. My family celebrates birthdays around dinner time.

So we would have cake, we'd have a special dinner, that's when gifts would be exchanged or gifts would be given. Tim's family does it differently.

So our first year married, he was very disappointed. Because our family does it as God intended, which is... Mm. With his You wake up, it's a birthday. Not a not a birth afternoon.

It's the birthday.

So when I wake up in the morning, everything was there waiting for you. Your cars were waiting. My parents would have balloons, you know, things like that.

So our first time married, I wake up. Noreen's not home and there's nothing. And I thought, my wife has forgotten my, that's an expectation that she would remember my birthday. And it got a little bit chilly. In the relationship.

Because, you know, we went through premarital counseling. We knew each other well. Nobody ever said, when do you expect your birthday card? Like, that was not on the list.

So sometimes until it's not met, and then Tim was able to explain to me his family traditions.

So since then, family will deeply impact those expectations. Noreen's dad is such a multitask. person. He's a Mr. Fix it kind of I'm not.

I was a theater major.

So early in the marriage, we came home and this is so funny. Noreen said, honey, the van won't start. I looked at her and I said, Bummer. Yeah. I had mime classes, mime classes.

So, how do we evaluate our expectations? These are good things to keep in mind. That's going to tip off what the climate is like a little bit. One, do I feel free to voice my expectations in the marriage? That's a quick little diagnostic question.

Second, what unspoken expectations do I have that are not being met? It seems weird to even verbalize this because I don't think I should verbalize, have to verbalize this. And then, last, how much of my expectations have been influenced by unrealistic expectations, maybe fostered by media, maybe fostered by rom-coms? We need to take a look at that. Yeah.

So, let's take a look at the next area of climate, and that's acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is any indication or attempt to recognize the presence and perspective of a person.

So, this is not necessarily having the same opinion, it's not even thinking the same way, but it's acknowledging. that something is important. How to acknowledge? Let your spouse know that what he or she has said has made an impression on me. It doesn't mean I agree, but man, what you just said, that was powerful.

I need to sit in that for a while.

So let me think about that.

Next, let your spouse know that I'm working to understand your perspective. I'm not there yet. It doesn't quite make sense to me, but honestly, I'm working to understand everything that goes into your perspective. And then last, let your spouse know that his or her feelings matter to me. If this matters to you, it matters to me.

And that ought to be a great place to improve a climate. All right, next area we want to look at is trust.

Some communication scholars have argued trust is the most important part of the entire climate. If trust is lacking, the climate will not improve. It is the bedrock aspect of the climate.

So let me just say this. For some of you, trust has been an issue in the marriage. It's going to have to be addressed. It's going to have to be articulated. Later, we're going to give some suggestions how to do that.

I wouldn't ignore the climate. I would seek to build it up, but knowing we've got to deal with this issue that I, quite frankly, don't trust you when it comes to finances. I don't trust what you're looking at on your electronic devices. We cannot ignore that.

So, here are just some ways that we can evaluate trust in your relationship. Questions you can ask yourself, questions you can ask each other.

So, what does my spouse do that makes it easy for me to trust them? And obviously, the opposite of that is: are there things that my spouse does that makes it difficult?

So, some of those things can be like accountability, especially if there's been a breach in trust. Is your spouse doing things that help you rebuild that? Go ahead.

So, I grew up in a home. It's so powerful to know the histories of all of our convictions. Like, I grew up in a home. My parents were overwhelmed with life. They got married super young.

They weren't religious. We didn't go to church. My dad was a factory worker at age 18. And so pornography just became a part of the marriage. And we were introduced to pornography at very young ages, really tragic.

So that's part of my background.

So Noreen knows that. That came out in premarital counseling. And so on my devices, any electronic device I have, I have something called covenantees.com, which means there's a picture that's going to be taken of my screen. I do not know when this picture is going to be taken. I have an accountability partner in the New Testament department at Biola University.

John gets whatever is on my screen, he'll get a snapshot. And then he gets a report, me as well. And then we have to have a conversation if something came up. And it gets flagged.

So I like the UFC. I have a martial arts background. I like the Ultimate Fighting Championship. It's always flagged because it's men without shirts, right?

So it's always like, I'm like, okay, yeah, you're right. I watched Conor McGregor duly noted, right? But that helps you trust me. Knowing I have that on my devices, and John is a no-nonsense accountability partner. I trust John.

So that's also what makes it work: I trust your accountability partner. This is Family Life today, and we're listening to a message from Tim and Noreen Muelhoff that they gave on the Love Like You Meet at Marriage Cruise last February. We're going to jump back in and listen to Tim and Noreen. And let me ask you: have you heard of something called a marital truce? No.

That's what they're going to get into, which is going to be interesting. Here's Tim and Noreen.

So let's talk about commitment. Yeah, commitment is just a pledge to continually do or be something in the future. And even though we're talking about these as if they're four distinct elements, they really are kissing cousins. They are just closely related. You almost can't have one without the other.

So commitment and trust, they go hand in hand. Commitment will build trust and trust will build commitment.

So it is, it's the consistency is what is the key for commitment.

Now, Julia Wood, communication scholar, said this, the hallmark of commitment is the assumption of a future. This is a Christian cruise.

So if I were to ask you what makes us fundamentally different from like a secular marriage cruise, man, you get to the heart of Christian marriage, which is this is it. This is a commitment that is not to be broken. Christian marriage says, Be careful who you marry because now you're representing the Trinity, the love of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit towards each other. And our marriages are a living metaphor of that eternal relationship.

So, what separates us is, hey, guess what? We're in this together. You actually made an interesting comment early in our marriage that I thought was really good. Yeah, I mean, it was just we were going through, believe it or not, a little bit of a funk where just it did, just we were not, we were kind of not getting along great, didn't really know what was going on, and we're trying to figure out what's going on. And I just finally said to Tim, we better figure this out, or it's going to be a long 40 or 50 years.

He was actually encouraged at that because what that said was, I'm in it, I'm not going anywhere. I know we're not doing great at the moment, we've done better, but I'm not going anywhere.

So we had a choice: we could just choose to stay there, or we could say, Hey, look. Let's figure this out and get to a better place because we are going to be each other's person until death do us part. We've had funks all throughout the marriage, right?

So we've gone through these seasons where we're just like, hey, you know what? I think the climate has suffered a little bit. I don't think we've been doing good climate work and we need to pull back and do some good, so let's go on a cruise. That's the place to work on your climate for sure.

Okay, so how do we evaluate climate or how do we evaluate commitment? Excuse me. The first one is huge. Does conflict cause me to worry that my marriage is unstable? That's going to hurt the climate.

By the way, John Gauman said, listen, man, show me a couple who argues. They care enough about the marriage that they'll argue. I can save it. Show me a couple who no longer argues because they just don't feel like it makes a difference. That marriage could be in trouble.

The next one says, Do we agree that we generally put in a similar amount of effort into the relationship?

So, again, right, we're going back to our expectations charts. Like, do you have an expectation that they're going to put in a certain amount? And maybe you don't think they are. And then there's the other, the phrase that says, a person that says they'll meet you halfway is often a poor judge of distance. Right.

So for me to say, are you putting the same amount as I am? Because I know I'm putting, I think. We're like 80-20 here.

So, so that can be a conversation. But generally, do you feel like you're both working at it, like you're both committing to it?

Somebody's not cruising along while one person is working hard. All right. And the last question you can ask yourself is: Am I too consumed by this relationship? And that might sound almost like an oxymoron. Like, I'm this is, and we agree, this is your primary human relationship.

This should get the best of your effort. But if you're too consumed by it, if your complete identity is in this relationship, if you forget that you have a Lord and Savior who is your primary source of love and identity, then things can get out of whack if you are too consumed with it.

So it needs to be in its proper place. This is kind of St. Augustine. Remember, Augustine had a great quote. He said, Our lives are restless, our hearts are restless.

They find peace in God.

So, your marriage climate will always be lacking if God is not the center for you. God is primarily meeting my need for perfect love, not my spouse who can't pull it off perfectly. We want to introduce an idea that maybe some of you will apply this cruise because we recognize that people are coming in here with very different statuses of your marriage.

Some of you are doing great, and the cruise is going to add to the climate.

Some of you are like, Wow, we needed this time away because we need to talk. And some of you, quite frankly, are here and you're like, I can't even believe we're here.

So, you're all over the map. But let me introduce this idea of a marital truce that I think might be something to do this weekend. Yeah. So, a marital truce is the decision to temporarily, so please note that word, temporarily set aside controversial issues and overlook the offensive actions of each other as you seek to stress. Strengthen the overall climate of the marriage.

So, what we're not talking about here is avoidance. We're not talking about like sweeping things under the rug and just ignoring them. But we are saying that there are times that it might be healthy, because the climate's a little rough, to say instead of trying to head on nitpick and deal with all these things, can we set those aside? And work on the climate. Let's enjoy each other.

Let's remember those things that first drew us to one another.

Sometimes we need to recalibrate and go, okay, let's just enjoy one another for a period of time. The goal of that is then to strengthen the climate so you can deal with the deeper issues that do need to be dealt with, right? We're not avoiding them, we're just creating a better climate in which you can address them.

So, here's what we're suggesting: if you're here and part of you is like, oh, let's do it, let's talk. I want to say, maybe at the end. But now, here's my honest, from a communication theory standpoint. I'd go have fun. I'd go have fun.

And it might want to come out like Nope. Let's dance. You know what I mean? Build up the climate. And then maybe when you get home.

Or maybe at the very end, you can sit down and say, hey, thank you so much. This has been a blast. Can I just add one disconnect? Yeah, of course. And that is, we are not talking about abusive behavior.

When we talk about ignoring an offense or overlooking, that never. Never, never includes abusive behavior. Anytime that power or strength is used to coerce or to control or to hurt, that is abuse.

So that is not what we're talking about ignoring. That needs to be dealt with. There needs to be intervention there, bringing other people in to help you walk through that so you can rebuild trust.

So this marital truth does not apply to that. We're not talking about that. We're talking about the day-to-day things, the good-hearted couple who wants to have a good, healthy marriage and are working toward that.

So that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the rank and file disagreements. And we've actually had this. Like we have actually at times said, okay, let's just cause a hit pause and let's just enjoy each other. And it's hard in the beginning, like to give each other compliments, like in the beginning, you know, so maybe, you know, hey, you weren't such a jerk today.

You know, it's like, you know, we don't mean those kind of compliments. Compliments, right? But listen, there's biblical precedent for this. And here is some of the biblical precedent. I love this from the book of Proverbs.

The first one, a fool shows his annoyance at once. But a prudent man Overlux. An insult. Like you might be on this marriage cruise and your spouse says something and you're like, I can't believe you just said that. A fool shows his annoyance at once.

A wise man, I'm going to overlook that. Not perpetually am I going to overlook that, but I'm going to overlook that as we're going to do. I was trying to think of a dance lesson. There you go. And then Proverbs 15 says, a man finds joy in giving an apt reply.

And how good is a timely word?

So when we address things, how we address things can really make a difference to the overall climate. Let me give you a parenting example real quick. But you know, when you have teenagers, right? We have three boys, now they're adults. But you know what?

You know the cycle you can get into with teenagers, right? The climate is not great. They're upstairs in their room mad. You're mad. And it's like, I don't know what to do.

So I remember sitting down with our son, Michael, our oldest, who's awesome. But we were in the midst of this constant disagreeing, constant, I asked you to do something, you didn't do it, kind of stuff like that.

So I sat with them. I said, let's just have a conversation. I just want to hear your perspective. That's it. I honestly just want to hear your take on family life in the Meal Hoff household.

Now, listen, guys, as he's. Kind of going off, you better believe I'm like biting my tongue.

So we finished, I had to take a deep breath. And I said, you know what? Let me say one thing. You know what was so good about this? We never raised our voice once.

And he looked at me and he said, you're right. We didn't. I said, you know what? That really encourages me. That kind of stuff you might think is, oh, that's so small.

But it ends a negative spiral and it creates a positive spiral. Don't overlook the small things, life and deaths and the power of the tongue. Man, I would say compliment each other regularly. And also John Gottman, real quick, it takes five positive comments to overcome one negative comment. We really hang on to the negatives.

He said it takes five positives to overcome one negative. Hey, let's close with talking about a different relationship that really does make this cruise unique. And that is your communication climate with God. Yeah. Right.

Just as we have a climate with each other, we have a climate with God.

So think through even just the elements that we've talked about, about commitment and acknowledgement and expectations and trust. And you can say, what are my expectations of God? You know, am I disappointed? And you know what? You can tell him that.

Do I feel like he's committed? Do I feel like I can trust him?

So, as you go through those elements, that's also going to impact your climate or how you feel about your relationship with God. C.S. Lewis said: you cannot love a fellow creature fully till you love God. Yep. And we're in here because we want to be better at loving each other fully.

This gift that we have received from the Lord, our spouse, how can we love them more fully? And a big part of that is, what is our love relationship like with God?

Well, this is Family Life Today, and that was Tim and Norrie Muelhoff talking on the Love Like You Mean It cruise last February. And let me tell you, we'd love to have you on the boat this February, and there's a discount going on right now just for you through June 30th.

So, all you have to do to get that discount is use code Countdown27 to get all your savings and visit familylifetoday.com to sign up. We really hope you'll join us on the cruise next year, 2027, February 13th. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a Crew Ministry: 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. Yeah.