Keeping Love Alive - Volume 4 - A Healthy Relationship with Yourself, Part 2

Do you love yourself in a healthy way, or are you critical, down on yourself, feel like you never measure up? Do you realize that great marriages begin with a healthy view of ourselves? We're going to learn how to get that today. Stay with us. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. Today we're continuing our newest series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 4, with the second part of Chip's talk, A Healthy Relationship with Yourself. But before he dives in, if you've missed any program in this series, catch up any time at livingontheedge.org or by using the Chip Ingram app. Well, Chip has a lot of advice and insight to share on this topic, so let's begin. A great way to get a healthy relationship with yourself is doing an honest self-assessment. An honest self-assessment.

In other words, not just your physicality, but to look at your life. Remember Romans 11 chapters of grace, then verse 1 of chapter 12 was, what is it that God really wants? You. All of you, so He can give you the best. How do you get the very best from God?

Oh, that's verse 2. Don't be conformed to this world. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind that the God who made all that there is says, I want you to get what's good. I want you to get what's perfect. I want you to get what's well pleasing to you.

That's God's will. But verse 3 then says how to get an accurate view of yourself. It's in your notes. For by the grace of God, I say to every one of you, do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the faith that God has distributed to each of you.

Okay, now you got your pen out. Do not underline the word think of yourself more highly than you and where the word ought underline ought. In the original, they're just trying to make it easy to read. In the original, it is do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but rather underline think of yourself with underlying sober. So you should have think, ought, think, sober judgment.

These are all from the same root word. And the word sober is the opposite of being drunk. In other words, when you're drunk, you don't have the right perception. What he's saying is start renewing your mind so you understand what life's really all about. Say no to all that bombardment of the world and then I want you to get an accurate view of you. Don't think too highly of yourself. Don't think too lowly of yourself. Humility is not thinking lowly of yourself. Humility is thinking accurately. These are my strengths and these are my liabilities or weaknesses where I need other people. In verses six through eight, he'll say, these are the primary spiritual gifts. Discover what yours is and really use it.

If you discover who you are and whose you are accurately, then you see where you fit first with your mate and then the body of Christ and then you discover these gifts and then what happens? You know, those of us that have ever played on a team or those of you that are artistic or musical, there are few things like in my personal life, no musical ability, no art ability, but I will tell you this, after thousands and thousands of hours, the ball comes off the rim, they throw it to me and I'm the point card and I'm bringing it down the middle and I got guys filling on both sides and I'm just telling you it's like a work of art and it might be a bounce pass this way or it might be a flip over here and throw it up and watch a six, eight guy, bam, and I will tell you there's something that happens inside of me. It's artistic.

It's beautiful and if I can suck this guy here, then I can throw it through my legs to him and then I can sort of give him a little jab when I'm going back the other way and for some of you, it's rowing in the same direction. For some of you, it's being on a team of brothers in combat that you got each other's back and you share deeply and for some of you, it's a group of women that really get you and you're a cohort and you're going to make it through whatever you're going to make it through and you can be honest and real and vulnerable. See, that's God's plan. For some of us, it's being actually a part of a church that functions in a way where you use your gifts and your strengths and other people use theirs and you have this outward focus of helping people and as you do, you experience this power and this love and you get to see people's lives change and you sit around and drink coffee or cokes or diet cokes or whatever you drink and you look back and say, how in the world did we get to be? All those marriages were broken and we were part of healing them. All those kids were orphans and we got them all in foster care. We got to be a team of people.

We went to Romania and all those street kids, they're not on the streets anymore and there's a sense and someone had vision and another had administration and someone had money and someone had leadership and someone had mercy and you come together and it is glorious. Believe me, it's better than Netflix. It's better than how many likes you get on Facebook.

It's better than almost anything but you can't do that. Where I've pastored, one of the things I always had people do is I had them get a three by five card and on one side I said, list your top three strengths. I mean, what are you really good at? If they struggled, I'd say, get the book Strength Finders.

You take a test in 30 minutes, it'll be very helpful. These are your top strengths and then on the back of the card I said, write your top three weaknesses. Almost always you know what I got? I got people who listed their top 15 weaknesses.

Well, I came up with one strength, so warped. You need to know what you're really good at and you need to know where you have liabilities. These are my strengths, teaching, leading, coaching. I'm an administrative nightmare. I'm a low-tech basket case. The moment anybody talks about from why should we do something to how should we do it, I finally got to just guys, let me know how we're going to do it because I have lots of ideas, mine don't work.

I'm terrible at it. After a while, I finally learned this is how this works in my marriage and I have an amazingly gifted and detail-oriented and mercy-filled. I have a very, very godly wife. I've learned mercy from her.

Mine was all the big picture and Teresa's saying, here's a woman that came off the streets. Here's a woman that lost two babies through an abortion. Here's a woman that was abused by her husband and I'm looking around and they're eating at our table and Teresa's saying, yes, we're going to give to the church here but we're going to pay their rent, we're going to do this, we're going to do that. Guess what, 40 years of that, God's grown my mercy.

God's grown her vision and leadership and so now we don't just do that around the table but we do it with orphans in Zimbabwe and we write checks that we never dreamed we could write because we got a sober self-assessment and we followed God's plan financially and we were poor most of our life and struggled most of our life and little by little by little, we got to be some of those people who helped others and I think it was because God first worked in us. Part of our big marriage problems and I'm biased but even not being biased, man, I just thought how did I ever get to marry someone so beautiful? It took me about three months to realize when she looked in the mirror, she saw someone ugly.

I would give her a compliment and she couldn't receive it because she didn't feel worthy to receive it. She grew up in a home with a father and then was abandoned by her first husband and my wife had a lens that so covered her that said, you are unlovely, unwanted, unworthy and absolutely unlovable and when I would compliment and when I would share and when I would want to love her, it was like BBs coming off of a tank and it hurt so bad and then my response wasn't good. I got mad because I didn't understand and when we went to counseling, he began to ask questions and you know what happened in our counseling? This guy was a pastor for about 20 years and then became a counselor and he said, you know, both of you, you think these are the problems, they're not. You have a warped view of God. Chip, you feel like no matter what you do, it's not enough and God's arms are crossed and get with the program.

Are you ready, Chip? Jesus is not your dad. That's not how God is and Theresa, you've worked hard at being beautiful and you're conscientious and you follow through and you do what everyone says and you never drop any balls because you're so afraid that the other shoe's gonna drop and you're gonna get rejected again. So here's where we're gonna go with our marriage counseling.

First of all, I'm gonna help you guys get a revised view of God and then second, are you ready for this? Our marriage counseling, he gave us these cards of the lies that we believed. You know, lies like, you know, if everyone doesn't like me, my life's not worth living.

If I don't do everything perfectly, then why do it at all? I mean, just lie after lie after lie and we would write, she wrote them on these cards and it was for her. When I went to this, it was like, finally, someone's gonna help my wife because she needs it. And then he told me that knowing how arrogant I was that you need to help her and so she had like these eight or 10 cards that were the lies that she believed and at the bottom it had a big stop sign and then you would flip over the card and it would say, I desire to be liked by everyone but I don't need everyone's approval because I have Christ's approval. And then there would be a verse that talked about, I am fearfully, wonderfully made in all those aspects of my physical and mental abilities that can't be changed.

Thank you, God. And we had these cards and for two years before I went to work, we sat on the couch and we read the cards out loud. And before we went to bed, we read the cards out loud.

If you don't change your thinking, trying hard doesn't work. And as we were doing it, I came to this crazy conclusion. I had all the same issues my wife has, maybe deeper, but I parlayed mine into things like workaholic and things that I actually got praised for. And I was as messed up inside or more than her.

And that was, I mean, that was 40 years ago. And then we started adding, we realized we started adding to the cards. And then she, you know, our team at Living on Edge created these cards and we just told some people on the broadcast about them and I think we ordered 5,000, they were gone in three days. So we ordered some more, they're gone.

They're ordered some more, they're gone. And then realized what I realized was people don't, they just don't understand who God made them to be. And our marriage changed not because we learned three skills and we have a date once a week and we sit down and do our finances together so we stay on the same page. And this is how we plan out life for our kids. Did we do those things? Yes, we did. And did we need to?

Yes. But that's not what's the key. The key was a journey of seeing who God really was, then seeing who he made us to be, and then walking through that together. The faith here, this is not your personal faith. This is objective faith. When he says, according to the faith, in other words, it's what's true. Have a sober, don't think too high, don't think too low, but just like you look in the mirror and say, this is accurately who I am, this passage is saying, I want you to look into my word and from my spirit, this is how I see you as my child.

And that's your identity. The question is, do you know your personal strengths, weaknesses, and spiritual gifts? Do you know your personal strengths, weaknesses, and spiritual gifts? And I do think strength finder is a great way, and we have resources at Living on the Edge, one called Your Divine Design, that is on our website that you can either do in groups or personally to help you discover your spiritual gifts.

Okay, last way. Believing who God says you are. So, Paul in Ephesians is going to take three chapters to tell these people that are in Christ, he uses that word over, in Christ, in Christ, in Christ, in Christ.

You've been taken out of the kingdom of darkness, you're now born again, his spirit now dwells in you, and he says, now that you are in Christ, whatever is true of Christ is true of you now. I often, when I teach this, I'll take a big aquarium, and I'll take a big bolt that people can see, and I'll drop it in the water and it sinks. It's the nature of steel. And then I take a little block of wood, and on the block of wood I paint a cross. And I take the cross and I put it in the water, and what happens?

Why? It's its nature. It's the nature of wood to float. And then I take the bolt, and I take the wood, and I take a big thick rubber band, and I tie them around together, and then I put it back in the water. And guess what happens?

It floats. Because whatever is true of the wood is now true of the bolt, and that's who you are. And the greatest thing you can ever do is grasp who you are. So Paul is trying to help us get that. He says, praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who's blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. Rubber band, you're the bolt, he's the wood. This is what you have.

And I can only give you an overview. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us to adoption and sonship through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasures and will to the praise of the glory of his grace, which is freely given us in the one he loves.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of his grace. I'm going to ask you to underline one phrase and circle a bunch of others. Underline every spiritual blessing in Christ.

You got it? Circle the word chose us. Circle the word in love. Circle the word adoption. Circle the word redemption. Circle forgiveness of sins. Circle the phrase riches of God's grace.

I took Ephesians chapter 1 and I took all these theological concepts and because I've been doing those cards for all these years, I flipped them around and I put them in everyday speak. Instead of being rejected, you are chosen. Remember on the playgrounds when someone said, I want you on my team. You know what God has said?

You know what Jesus said? I want you. I want you on my team. I want you on my team. You're valuable. I want you.

Not just chosen but you're wanted. You're valued. Redemption you know what redemption is? It's buying something back. Do you know what the cost is for your soul?

What was the price tag? It was Jesus blood voluntarily spilled for you personally to buy you out of the slave market of sin and the power of the enemy to set you free. Here's what I want for you. I so want you to grasp who you are and to grasp whose you are. A different person will show up in your marriage because you are beautiful. You are wanted.

You are called. The question is, do you see yourself as wanted, valued, precious, secure, empowered and called by God to fulfill a unique purpose with your life? The two things you need to believe about God's character to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves is first is his wisdom. Paul talks about the responsibility of man and the sovereignty of God. He says how life all works together and how he's done it. Who has known the mind of God to give God counsel?

Answer, no one. Who's ever given something to God that God owes him or should repay him? For from him and through him and for him are all thanks to him.

Be the glory forever. Why do you have to believe God's wisdom? Because wisdom is God brings about the best possible ends by the best possible means for the longest possible time for the most possible people. So if there was a gentler or kinder way for him to orchestrate your life, you'd be experiencing that.

So your eye color and your personality and who you married and the kind of kids that you have in God's wisdom and his pathways, his all knowing, all loving, omniscient, kindness, love and justice is wrapped into all of that to give you the very best. He's all wise. He knows who your supervisors are and what he's trying to do and develop in your heart. He knows where the financials ups and downs are. He knows the addictions that are in this room. He understands all those things and in his wisdom, he brought you here to get help from one another and from him. If you follow his wisdom, if you follow his path, the book of Proverbs is hokama. It's his wisdom.

It's a skill. It's the way life is supposed to work and you read the scriptures like here's how relationships are supposed to work according to God. Here's how finances work according to God. Here's how reconciliation works. Here's how and when you follow that path, you experience the good, acceptable, perfect will of God.

Now, by the way, the front end is really hard and usually painful and requires much change and you can't do it alone but wow, is it great. And then you need to believe that he's gentle and we looked at this passage before but what I want you to know is that when these kind of changes, when you look at them, you start probing deep in your heart and usually a lot of shame comes up. And when you feel shame like you don't measure up and yeah, this is probably for everyone else but me, you need to remember the disposition of God's heart is mercy. He finds delight to not give you what you deserve. He finds delight in his heart to give you grace but you have to come. Conclusion, so often we want our marriage to change by what we think our mates need to do.

Guilty as charged. When in reality, a healthy self-love for who we are and whose we are frees us from demanding what our mates can never supply. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and the message you just heard, a healthy relationship with yourself, is from our newest series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 4.

Chip will be back to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. We've all seen those stories of couples who've been married five, six, or even seven decades. So what's their secret?

How did they make it? And better yet, how can we build those types of lasting bonds? Through the newest installment of our Keeping Love Alive series, Chip's identifying four relationships great marriages have in common. Learn why these connections are so critical and how you and your spouse can better prioritize them in your marriage starting today.

If you missed any part of this series, catch up via the Chip Ingram app or at livingontheedge.org. I'm joined in studio now by Chip and Chip in this series, you're emphasizing the importance of a godly marriage. But you know, sadly, marriage is widely undervalued and dismissed by our culture. Divorce, cohabitation and infidelity seem to be rampant. Now, why are genuine committed marriages becoming the exception throughout our society?

Well, Dave, here's what's really interesting. There's huge changes in the culture, right? You just watch TV programs and marriage and family and all the rest is completely redefined. But when you do the research, or when you sit across the table from someone and you look into their eyes, here's what I'm going to tell you. Everyone is looking for a deep relationship that matters. They want intimacy. They want a husband or a wife that they can trust.

They long for a spiritual soulmate, a deep connection, a lover and a best friend. And what I want you to know is that's what God designed. The farther and farther I see the culture and even in the church moving away from what God said, this is how it works. He's the architect.

What you find is there's more pain, more dissatisfaction. God has a plan. He's the creator of marriage and His word tells us exactly what to do.

Thanks, Chip. If you want to experience a godly marriage that lasts, let me encourage you to order Chip's book, Marriage That Works. Through this helpful resource, you'll learn about God's model for relationships and the specific roles of husbands and wives. Discover what it really means to be one with your spouse on a spiritual, mental, emotional and physical level. To order your copy of Marriage That Works, go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org.

Tap listeners, just tap special offers. Well, with that, Chip, let's get to that application we promised. Thanks, Dave. As we wrap up today's broadcast, I would just ask you a question, a really honest question. Do you struggle to see yourself the way God sees you? I mean, do you really believe and know that you've been adopted by God, that you've been forgiven and accepted, that God deeply loves you and wants to richly bless you? You know, those are those kind of things that you and I have heard most of our life, probably, or at least since we came to know Christ personally. And I would remind you that Jesus is gentle, that He's merciful, that He's patient, that He understands you.

I don't know what it is about our human nature, and I don't know what it is about how some of us were raised, but I think an awful lot of us unconsciously think God's down on us. And I want you to know that is not the God of the Bible. And it's taken me personally a long time to get an accurate picture of God. And as I studied the book of Ephesians, the first three chapters actually tell us this is how God feels about you, this is what's true about you, and some of it is in pretty powerful theological language. And, you know, after about 30 years of studying the Scriptures, I kind of took that passage and I said, Lord, would you help me kind of get that in a practical way for us everyday people where we could grasp and understand how you see us? And it became a book eventually called Discover Your True Self.

I just want to encourage you that one of the greatest things you can ever do in your life is to stop trying and working and pushing and testing and seeking and begin to rest and see yourself the way God sees you. It is transformational. Thanks, Chip. As we wrap up this program, just a quick but important thought. Living on the Edge depends on listeners like you to help us continue encouraging Christians to live like Christians. So would you consider partnering with us every month so others can benefit from the ministry of Living on the Edge? You can set up a recurring donation at livingontheedge.org or through the Chip Ingram app, or text donate to 74141. It's so easy. Text the word donate to 74141. And thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.