5 Traits of a Healthy Family | Dr. Gary Chapman

What would you say if someone outside your family asked if they could move in with you, stay at your house, eat meals with you? Observe how you interact with your spouse and your children. All to let them see what a healthy family looks like.

They want to know how it's done. Well, what would you say? Would you say your family's too dysfunctional to take on a border? Your family's not healthy enough to face that kind of scrutiny?

It's a little daunting to know there's somebody who wants to emulate how you live, but what if they see conflict? What if you have a bad day? Today you're going to hear from a man who had that exact scenario. Someone asked him if he could move in with his family and his wife and two children thought it was a good idea. What happened?

Oh, don't you dare touch that dial, friend. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, who is the New York Times bestselling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . Today we're going to highlight his book, Five Traits of a Healthy Family. Steps you can take to grow closer, communicate better, and change the world together.

Could that be true? You're going to find out more today on Building Relationships and go to the website buildingrelationships.us. I have to pause here at the beginning of the program, look at the calendar, Gary. Happy Veterans Day to you. I know you have a heart for military families around the world, right?

Well I do, Chris. You know my dad served in the Second World War going way back and I will never forget receiving letters. I was probably five or six years old at that time and he would write a letter now and then to my mom and mom would read them to me and to my sister.

At the end of every letter my dad would say, now give your mother a big hug for me and obey her. So you know I've spoken at many many bases, military bases all over the world and really always enjoy speaking there because I greatly admire those who give years of their life in the military and especially also now veterans who invested part of their lives in serving our country. So I'm hoping that all across the country veterans will feel appreciated for what they invested in all of our lives. You know we sometimes just take them for granted but we should never take them for granted. Yes, well and service is something we're going to talk about here in just a little bit but I also have to highlight the military family members.

There are wives and husbands as well now but mainly wives and then children of military members and also parents who are making these huge sacrifices. It's a big disruption to their lives as well and you talk about that when your dad said that he wrote that letter and your dad said give her a hug. Was his love language of physical touch do you think?

Well I didn't know anything about love languages at that point but looking back on it I think it probably was yes. Well I just wanted to pause here at the beginning of the program and say happy Veterans Day and all that that means to you who are listening. God bless you friend thank you. Now let me turn to the conversation today. You have been doing radio and TV and zoom interviews for decades and decades. You don't have any idea how many you've done through the years do you? Not a clue Chris. I'm thinking hundreds but hundreds but I don't know.

I've never tried to keep a record of how many interviews I've done. This has been one of the ways that people have found out about your ministry, about your counseling, about your ideas as a pastor and then "The 5 Love Languages" . It kind of exploded when that book came out right? It did Chris and continues to explode. Every year it sells more than the year before.

It's been going on for 30 years, over 30 years. I never ever anticipated that that book would have such an impact and really surprised that it's gone to other languages. It's published now in over 60 languages around the world which just humbles me to think that this concept is helping marriages all over the world. Well I had the opportunity to have Gary on my program on Moody Radio back in early July. We talked about the book that is featured today. We talked about his story. My guess is there's somebody listening today who did not hear that and the interaction between you and the callers Gary but they're going to hear it today. How do you feel about that? I'm excited about it Chris. I think anytime we can use something we've done in the past to bring it up to the present that's going to be helpful to people again. Amen, amen. So the scenario that Andrea painted at the beginning of the program actually happened to you is that true?

It's true Chris. It was years ago I was leading a college ministry in our church and there was a young graduate of the University of North Carolina who said to me at the end of the summer he had spent time in the summer working with our summer group and he just graduated and he said to me you know I have never seen a healthy family. My family was very dysfunctional and I wonder would you be open to my moving in with you and Carolyn and your children and just live with you for a year just so I can see what a healthy family is? And I said what any wise man would say well let me talk to Carolyn about that.

He had a job in town he was working as a school teacher teaching school in town. I talked to Carolyn and the kids and they both all of them thought that's a good idea. Well we didn't have an extra room you know we had two kids and we had a three-bedroom house and two bathrooms and I said well where's he gonna live?

And Carol said well you know the basement's just empty sitting down there we could just put up a wall on the corner and you know we could put a bed in there and I said well yeah okay. So John moved in with us and observed everything. I mean he was there you know he was there in the mornings eating breakfast with us and when we had devotions with the kids he was there at night when we had devotions with the family and he did he just saw the whole thing. Fortunately you know apparently we were sane enough that he gained a lot from it. That would be my question is like what is he gonna see that I don't want him to see you know and I you didn't have a dog so you couldn't kick the dog right?

Couldn't kick the dog that's right yeah. He says it was one of the most meaningful things in his life because he said really I had no idea he's I hate to think what my life would have been like if I had not been able to observe what a healthy family looks like. And of course Chris you know Carol and I had a lot of problems in the early days of our marriage so I was just glad that by this time you know we had we had kind of worked things out we were moving in a positive way because listen we're always growing you know none of us are perfect but we're always growing or regressing one way or the other so yeah but it was quite an experience but our kids our kids loved it you know he became their big brother and and he loved you know interfacing with our kids so it was a healthy thing for all of us. Was there a point you know when you when you have like cameras that come into your home you're always you feel like there's a sense that I'm being watched was there a time when you just forgot that he's there observing you and and you got past that and he's just part of the family? Yeah I think so Chris I think and it happened pretty soon really you know I kind of my background you know is cultural anthropology where an anthropologist moves into a tribal group and just starts living with them you know and everybody's asking who is this guy what is he here for what is going on you know so it kind of brought that to my mind that image to my mind you know he's an anthropologist moving in to observe our culture but really you know it after a few weeks we got the you know the kinks worked out on which bathroom everybody's gonna use and how this that's gonna work out it was really a pretty pleasant experience. Did he ever load the dishwasher wrong? Oh yeah he discussed it that we discussed that he said you know he said Carolyn would sometimes ask if she could just load the dishwasher she said because I said it took me 20 minutes what she could do in five minutes because I was so particular you know so we ran into those normal things what you run into that people have different personalities and they do things in a different way. What was the biggest takeaway then for him was it in the area of communication was it a spiritual thing what did he say? Yeah I think it was kind of both of those Chris because let's face it you know our relationship with God is going to impact everything else and you know he saw us having devotions with the kids at breakfast it was just brief but it was just a word of Scripture you know and thinking about today and then he saw us at night you know with the kids we read a Bible story and and then go but go to their beds individually beside other men pray so you know it's that whole spiritual dimension but I think also it was communication because I think in his the house he grew up in you know his dad was always yelling and screaming at his mother and then she would withdraw and you know all kind of things went on there and to see us carrying on conversations you know like after the dinner meal every day that was a part of the meal as we talk about you know how our day went what did we discover what was high what was the low you know and just to see a family talking about daily life and processing it together I think was a very helpful thing for him. And I think that really hits the nerve of what you want to do there's probably somebody listening today who says I'd take that you know I'd move in with the Chapman's and their family you know a few years ago when your kids were still at home because I didn't grow up in a functional family there was a lot of dysfunction there or dad was out of the picture or you know whatever and so I didn't get that model that's what you've done with this book five traits of a healthy family the subtitle is steps you can take to grow closer communicate better and change the world together and by change the world you're not over the top with that because you really believe that you go from the micro to the macro you change the dynamic of your family and your relationships and that filters out into everybody else doesn't it yeah absolutely Chris you know I think the family is the basic unit of culture you know I mentioned my undergrad and master's degree was in cultural anthropology I don't care what the culture is like the family unit is the fundamental unit of culture and if we can have healthy families it spills over into the broader culture and I think that's part of the things that we're facing in our country today with so much dysfunction in the families it just spills over into the culture and let's face it we were pretty dysfunctional in certain areas of our culture today so yeah I think and and what motivated me Chris is I know that there's many many people out there who grew up in dysfunctional families and they they really don't have a concept of what what what's a healthy family supposed to look like and so in this book I'm really trying to be practical and just kind of spell it out what it looks like and I think if we can if we can have a rebirth of family life it can affect the whole culture you're listening to Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" well back in July Gary appeared on a program called Chris Fabry live and he talked about a new book five traits of a healthy family steps you can take to grow closer communicate better and change the world together you can find out more about it at Building Relationships dot us you know I've heard dr. Chapman talk about a lot of things through the years and I felt like Gary can't surprise me with anything he says but as I looked over this book I was surprised at where he starts he says the most important thing that a healthy family does is wait for it families serve so let's talk about that why'd you start there I think because Chris an attitude of service is fundamental to everything else in the family life you know if we have an attitude that you know in this marriage you know you're supposed to make me happy that's the main thing you making me happy that's selfishness you know genuine love is serving other people Peter said about Jesus he went about doing good Jesus said about himself the Son of Man did not come to be served he came to serve and then of course to give his life a ransom for others so I think you know in Ephesians 5 for example when he discusses some fat things about family life he starts off by saying you know submit to one another you know and that you submit means I'm here to do what I can to help you just let me know what would enrich your life and so I think when a person really is walking with God you know they realize Christ is the model and we're here to serve others and that should start in the family if I have an attitude of honey how can I enrich your life how can I make your life easier how can I help you become the person you want to become and she has that attitude toward me wow that's gonna be a good marriage and then if we have children we have that attitude toward the children and we teach the children how to serve each other and ultimately how to serve in the mom and dad and then we take it beyond the family and take the kids out with us serving in the community doing things to help other people if children grow up with an attitude of service you've set them up for a great life because nothing is more important in life than taking what God has given you and using it to enrich the lives of other people and isn't that you know I keep going back to the the upper room and and Jesus pouring into the lives of the the broader community around there in the miracles but especially these 12 guys and right there at the end he's right at the very moment where he's gonna pour himself out for all humanity you know those who respond and give his give himself and they're fighting they're dysfunctional followers they are fighting about who's gonna be the greatest in the kingdom and he has to bring it back again to that service and the washing of feet he was that was what he was all about yeah absolutely Chris and looking back on my own life it's this reality that changed my marriage in the first place because when I got married I was self-centered you know I mean I was happy I was in love with her she was gonna make me happy forever I could hardly wait to get married and you know after a while she wasn't doing what I wish she would be doing and we argued we didn't know how to solve conflicts so we argued with each other and and then we lost the euphoric feelings we had negative feelings toward each other and and I was in seminary two weeks after we got married I was in seminary studying to be a pastor and my marriage was in shambles and I was just you know kind of mad at God for getting me into this and when I finally just said to God I don't know what else to do Chris what came to my mind was exactly what you've described Jesus on his knees washing the feet of his disciples and I really heard God say to me in my heart you know that's the problem in your marriage you do not have the attitude of Christ and Chris it hit me like a ton of bricks you know I knew it was not my attitude because my attitude was you know if you'll make me happy I'll make you happy yeah you do what I say well have a good marriage I just I confessed him and I wept and I confessed to God but I had the I had the wrong attitude and just asked him to give me the attitude of Christ toward her and and Chris you know when God changed my heart and gave me that attitude three questions made it practical for me one was honey what can I do to help you and the second question was how can I make your life easier and the third one was how can I be a better husband and when I was willing to ask those questions she was willing to tell me you know and and I began to do those things and Chris I think it was probably three months before she warmed up to all of that and she started asking me those three questions but when they have an attitude of service you know you're gonna have a good marriage and you're likely going to be good parents so I think it all starts there it's kind of fundamental you know the other thing that happened with you and Carolyn was you started to see how different you were and I don't know you know if God pulls blinders over us or we just have them we don't see that but you you know you thought you'd go to bed together at 10 o'clock 1030 you'd read you fall asleep and she wasn't having it you know she was a she's a night owl you're the morning person and and that resentment came in there that you know you're not filling fitting the bill you know and and that what that was hard to get over absolutely crazy not only the evening but the morning because I envision that we'd have breakfast together every morning and then have devotions together every morning and then after we got married I mean she would get up but she didn't wake up you know until 10 o'clock this ain't gonna work so that kind of went out the window you know so all of my visions of how wonderful it was going to be turned out to be not so wonderful and and I realize now having counseled people for 40 years I wasn't the only one that went through that you know many couples go through you kind of disillusion with the way what you intended or you thought it was going to be like it's not like that and so we have to start to rethink you know how do we have a good marriage and I think it begins with the heart and when we have a heart and we have an attitude of service and love like Jesus and and he can give it to us if we open our hearts to us he wants to change our hearts then we start moving in the right direction yeah the five let me just give the overview of the five things so families who serve that's part one the second is husbands and wives who relate intimately and then you go into the parenting parents who guide their children and then the response of children who obey and honor their parents and the fifth then well let's wait on the fifth and go to our first caller for dr. Chapman let's talk with Kimberly who's on the line good afternoon everyone and I love your five like this book I have it and I've read it several times either way I have five older brothers and I am the only girl and once I got saved I realized that my family was dysfunctional I didn't know that before then we weren't raised together I was adopted out and now that we are adults it's very hard to get them to get along so they get along with me but they're very dysfunctional with each other because they respect my walk of Christ and I just want them to see the light that I've seen so how do I coach them that way like how do I model my life that way but how do I help them well I do think Kimberly that your model is the most important thing because even though you may feel like well you know they're not paying attention to any left to my model the reality is the model speaks more loudly even than words but I do think also there is a place for conversation and when you have that opportunity to them to ask questions of them you know how do you feel about where you are if they're married how do you feel about where you are in your marriage now or if they're not married how do you feel like you you are in relationship to people that work with you you're just kind of asking question open-ended questions that they can choose to come in and share you know what's going on or they may choose not to but as you engage them in asking questions rather than taking the approach of let me tell you something that I think would help you because when you ask those open-ended questions it gives them a chance to begin to reveal themselves to you and where they're hurting and then in that context you can often you know we'll have ideas and say well you know here's something that really helped me in that area and you can share it so I think particularly with with siblings you know grown siblings is what I'm hearing you say the question approach is always the best approach is the best place to start yes but this goes back to something that you talk a lot about Gary and that is influence versus control you can she cannot make her brothers you know love each other or serve each other or have a different opinion about each other anything but she can influence them right yeah absolutely that that's really the key is that in any in any close relationship we cannot make the other person change but we can model for them a different model and our model is an influence and conversations we can be an influence and but ultimately we're all free well I mean we're free to do what Adam and Eve did just ignore God's guidelines live our own lives and there's always a detrimental effect to that and we have to allow family members to be free you know their parents who raise children and they're Christians and strong Christians and they take the children to church and and somewhere along the line you know in the young adulthood they turn away from God they turn away from the church and sometimes parents say to me well what did we do wrong you know where did we fail as if you know if we had been perfect our kids would be perfect you know well you know we're free you know Adam and Eve had the best father in the whole world God was their father and they still made wrong decisions so I think as parents we have to recognize again we can't make our children do anything or turn out anyway but we can influence them and pretend that's particularly true in adult you know as our younger of course week yeah we can make them do some things but that but ultimately they have to make choices on their own Kimberly what's your response to that I appreciate that because I am very like adamant like you should do this you should do that and it's not as y'all receive me I just think it doesn't take butch because it's feeling forced opposed to God is it's a gentleman and he's not gonna force himself so in this conversation I realized I shouldn't force what I feel or what I know even though I can help them on them let them talk to me and make let's let and I I receive what they're saying and it would be better for them yeah but now comes the hard part right now now you have to do that and that's what we're talking about today on Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman do you identify with what Kimberly just mentioned it means you don't control the outcome you can only be part of the positive process and allow the other person or members of the family to respond well do you want a healthy family that's what we're talking about today I'm Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman New York Times best selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" if you go to Building Relationships dot us you'll see our featured resource today Gary's book five traits of a healthy family steps you can take to grow closer communicate better and change the world together again go to Building Relationships dot us today's program originally aired on moody radio back in July with dr. Chapman and Chris let's get back to the conversation Gary at the end of the last segment I made the point that you don't control other people's responses you cannot finagle the outcome but you can be faithful to the process of for example communicating well "The 5 Love Languages" or these five traits of a healthy family are not meant to manipulate somebody to do what you think they ought to do yeah Chris as I was talking about and we were talking about an active sir attitude of service toward the other person you can't have the attitude that if I'll serve her then she'll serve me no we have an attitude I am going to choose to have an attitude of serving not only her but serving people in my workplace and serving any opportunity I have in the church world that sort of thing it's an attitude and we choose our attitude and we don't choose our emotions you know you can have negative emotions towards your spouse feeling hurt because of the things they've done or haven't done but you can still choose an attitude the attitude of Christ listen he loved us while we were sinners you may be married to one you know with God's help we can love them and serve them but it's not with the attitude of if I'll do this then they will you know meet my needs no it's because of our love for them we choose the attitude of Christ and so but the fact is people will be influenced when we love them when they know they don't deserve to be loved they don't deserve the service we're giving them and God uses that to touch their hearts yeah with dr. Gary Chapman here's an on the line and go right ahead hi thanks for having me the word that keeps springing to my mind you just kind of spoke about is the word mercy and I I just saw an article and I believe it was CNN that said 25% of young adults now have cut their parents out of the picture I don't know how factual that is because you see a lot you know on Facebook but I do I do have friends and it's a pretty becoming pretty common and it is so extremely painful and I don't know in my generation our parents made mistakes many but we didn't cut them off and I know it's a new time and all and I know we always have to humble ourselves and recognize our failures and ask for forgiveness but if you can't if they won't allow it there just needs to be mercy I and I know God can redeem any situation but I think most parents do their best and and I just I just want to say to people listening to be merciful to your parents as well because I think also sometimes you see these articles about criminals and while they grew up in a in a hard life well is that making it okay it doesn't make it okay we still have responsibilities whether things hurt us when we're young or not so I guess mercy and just allowing God to heal heart but I do have compassion for parents that have been completely cut off and it seems pretty common well it cuts both ways too and because I've heard the same thing with if my son or daughter does this then you know they're dead to me I'm not going to talk to them again so but I think it happens maybe a little more often than what you're talking about is the kids saying no I can't do that situation was toxic I'm not going to open myself up to that again what do you say about that Gary well I think the the hurt and the pain is real we don't want to deny that and yes all parents fail to some degree or another none of us are perfect but I think to make the choice just to cut them out of my life because of what happened in the past or maybe what's continued to happen it's not the best choice and sometimes and this may sound strange but I think sometimes the first step is for the child the adult child to ask themselves where did I fail where have I failed to be a child that honors parents even though they're not honorable and maybe go back to that parent and say you know I realize I've made a serious mistake in cutting you all out of my life I have been hurt deeply no question about that but it's not a loving response to actually cut you out of my life so if you're open and you would like for us to have lunch you know once every couple of weeks or once a month or whatever I'd like to I'd like to continue our relationship and see what we can learn from each other sometimes that kind of humility that just simply acknowledges you know that you feel like you've made a wrong choice here is the first step in the parent opening up and then you has you able to have lunches then you can talk about you know and ask them you know tell me you know what what was your dissatisfaction about me as a child as I grew up what hurts you most as I grew up you know that you just open up the door and let them share and and you do that chances are sooner or later the next lunch they go say well okay you tell me where did you feel unloved or where did you feel and I hurt you it's that kind of conversation Chris that leads to reconciliation when we're open to hearing each other's hurt and looking back on it and acknowledging to each other that it was wrong and asking for forgiveness and there can always be healing now obviously it takes two to heal a breached relationship but somebody has to take the initiative and often even if they're 95% of the problem and you're only five you apologize for your part your 5% it opens the door to the possibility of conversations where we can process our feelings so this is and I'm wondering if the John who stayed with your family saw this this brings up communication and it also highlights listening and being inquisitive you know asking good questions and then ask let's get listening for the answer how important is that communication or even being willing to open up the communication with somebody else well we don't make progress in a relationship without communication you know communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to the body it's an absolute necessity we will never make progress if we just keep our distance and we don't talk the relationship will continue to be fractured but if we're willing to take a step trying to open up an opportunity for conversation and I'm saying that often an apology is the first step because you're not going at them and blaming them and you know lashing out at them because it just gets worse you have another big argument and then you just walk away and so as the last time you know no no no you take the humility the attitude of humility and go acknowledge what you've considered to be your failures and and just simply ask for an opportunity that we can talk I want to ask you mom to share some things with your dad share share with me what were your frustrations when we were at home and growing up what were you going through and you know many times our parents will be willing to open up and let let us in on what was going on in their lives and it doesn't excuse it if it was really really bad behavior but at least now you're listening with a different ear because you're learning something about what was going on inside of their lives five traits of a healthy family steps you can take to grow closer communicate better and change the world together that's our featured resource at Building Relationships us before we take a break let's hear from Alina hi good afternoon thank you for taking my phone call so as I was explaining earlier to the lady who answered the phone we have a blended family and there's a lot of conflict and it's been ongoing for many years our daughter is 12 going on 13 and it's impacting her very deeply and we just can't you know um seem to get along and we're the Christians so we look pretty bad probably in her eyes too we're trying to raise her as a Christian and so she has like a double life where on her biological mom's side there's no Christianity the friendships on that side are not encouraging of church or Jesus and so she feels alienated even from God and us when she's over there and then when she's here we don't talk that much about what's going on over there and so she's in the middle but I was listening to some of the things you were saying you know about the communication there's no communication it's it's being funneled through the child and you know we try their emails and text messages to communicate with mom but she'd rather use attorneys and or the child let me ask you this Alina does is your is the daughter does she look at your faith in your Christianity and see things that she doesn't want or that right now that she's pushing back against because she feels like this is not this is fake to me because of this or that or the other thing is that what she's going through well no she's she's she's been going to church since she was two years old and she got baptized in 2022 she always had a strong faith and been drawn to Jesus and you know we pray and she hasn't said anything about what we look like but she's angry with God now she says I've been praying for the family forever and he's ghosting me he's not answering my prayer he doesn't care and the Bible doesn't isn't doing anything for me got it okay and that's a really good way of putting it you tell her I said that you think she feels like God is ghosting her that's that puts the finger on the nerve that he's there but he doesn't really care you know Gary what would you say yeah I think if we're talking about her relationship with her biological mother and maybe her stepfather on that side to let her know and say honey you know the fact that you're praying that God will work in her heart and da da da da da but keep in mind God doesn't make people do things you know God influences us and God brings people along the way to speak to us but he doesn't make us do right and so even even an answer to our prayer because God is not gonna you know he gives us freedom to choose and your your biological mother has freedom to choose the decisions that she makes so we have to recognize that that may be a part of helping her understand you know why what she perceives as unanswered prayer is that she's asking God to do something that he's not he's not gonna make her change he will answer prayer in terms of bringing people into her lives and situations that will be designed to help her biological mother make wise decisions but he will not make her do that this is Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" for more ways to strengthen relationships head on over to our website Building Relationships dot us you'll find the book we're talking about today right there it's titled five traits of a healthy family just go to Building Relationships dot us all right we talked about this about a half hour ago and we better keep our promise about revealing the fifth trait of a healthy family and this one may surprise people as well you talk about the husband being the leader of the family and if you say that very loud in today's culture you're gonna get called names or people will cancel you it's controversial why do you use that word leader I think because Chris the the biblical word is the husband is the head of the wife and and and contemporary word it would be leader as I view that but I think again where the pushback is many people have misinterpreted that biblical concept and some have the entity what do you mean husband the leader yeah he's not the leader you know we're equals yeah certainly your equals we're both made in the image of God we're equals but use the biblical model it says the husband's the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church what did the head of the church do he died for the church who would not want a leader like that that's willing to die for them you know so we get the biblical concept of leadership and I spell this out you know in the book of course that that he views his wife as a partner an equal partner in our relationship we're on we're on the team together and he'll communicate with his wife he won't make wild decisions on his own he wants to have two minds in making decisions and so he'll talk about that he'll communicate he'll put her at the top of his priority list somebody said wait a minute I think God's supposed to be at the top of our list well he is but when you report to God as a Christian husband God said oh well now let's say you're married so the first thing is I want you to meet your wife's needs I want you to put her first in your life I want you to seek to meet her needs who okay well what wife would not want a husband with that attitude you know honey I want to find out what I can do to meet meet your needs so let's share them with me you know he's committed to discovering his wife's needs and meeting those needs and he sets a model for his moral and spiritual values so you know that a lot of a lot of fine details there in terms of applying all of this but don't ever forget the kind the biblical concept of the husband as the leader does not mean that he makes all the decisions and tells the wife what to do no no no no no he sees it as a partner and he wants to make decisions together with her and he has an attitude of wanting to give his life to enrich her life exactly what Jesus did who was the head of the church so we get that concept I think wives do not oppose that wives would long for a husband who has the attitude of Christ which takes us to Kyle Kyle what's your question for dr. Chapman well I I'm just processing all of what I've heard the last 15 or 20 minutes and I have two of my four daughters ten years ago after 25 years I went through divorce and and so I've got a daughter that has not spoken to me in two years and one about eight and so my contention is I just live my life I can't rush the fruit I heard a few of your nuggets here in the last 15 minutes so your book is sounds awesome but I just thought I'd just check in with you for additional wisdom well aware of all the love languages so the daughter two daughters that are estranged are adults now it looks like then in their late 20s early 30s so very well yeah and I hear you saying that happened after the divorce correct yeah yeah it's not it's not unusual that adult children whose whose parents divorce will blame one of those parents for you know for the divorce and sometimes they make the poor decision of just cutting off that parent because they're just so upset and angry that you would you know divorce my mother that that kind of thing so that may be involved in with your daughter I don't know because I can't read their hearts and their minds but and again you're right in that you cannot make them you know reach out to you and be involved with them but I do think this I think to to say to them as you have would have an opportunity I just want you to know I'm empathetic with the fact that you withdrew from me because of the divorce and all that went on there and I can see how that was very painful to you and very hurtful to you and you know I can't make you have a relationship with me but I want you to know I do love you and if there's anything I can ever do to help you I want to do it you know it's that kind of approach may begin to soften their hearts so that they will again say well maybe we ought to yeah let's have lunch together so you know it's it's those kind of baby steps but it comes I think with your being real to say you know honey I can't make you accept me and have a relationship with me and I can understand you know some of the hurt that you've gone through that approach is the better approach and it's taken a long time for all of that hurt to to fester and to cause the fracture so for Kyle to be patient and to as he moves toward them is not gonna be an overnight process as I'm sure Kyle already knows you're playing for the fourth quarter you know you're you're playing for the the long game right Gary yeah absolutely Chris and so you never know because we can't make our adult children you know change their hearts or minds toward us but we can have a warm attitude and an understanding attitude toward them well Gary thank you for sharing your heart in this hour for opening up your home all those years ago imagine what wouldn't have happened if you had said no to that college graduate this would be a whole different program a different experience for you and well they would Chris and he told me he has made a tremendous impact upon his life so it was a fun time and we really enjoyed it and he did and it had an impact on our children as well well you find the featured resource from today at our website Building Relationships us the full title is five traits of a healthy family steps you can take to grow closer communicate better and change the world together just go to Building Relationships us and next week the life-changing practice of paying attention learn to listen to your day in one week a big thank you to our production team Steve wick and Janice backing and thanks to Ryan McConaughey and Tricia McMillan from Chris Fabry live Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman is a production of moody radio in association with moody publishers a ministry of moody Bible Institute thanks for listening