Dear Gary September

The acts of service that I do for her, she never appreciates. My wife is estranged from me. I've been separated five months now.

I'm still trying to figure out why they are trying to push me to basically find another wife. Get ready for some challenging questions about marriage, the love languages, and relational struggles. Coming up today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . This is our September edition of Dear Gary. And remember, if you'd like to call and ask a question for a future broadcast, today's a great day to do that. Call us at 1-866-424-GARY.

1-866-424-GARY. Maybe you'll hear an answer to your question on a future broadcast. It would be great to hear from you. We always have a featured resource for each program, and today it's a book by Dr. Chapman titled Five Traits of a Healthy Family. Steps you can take to grow closer, communicate better, and change the world together.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. Gary, that last thing sounds pretty audacious to change the world, but you really mean that, don't you? I really do, Chris. You know, I really believe that the family, moms and dads and children, have potential for changing the world. As a matter of fact, I think that many of the ills that we see in our country, especially today, have grown out of the lack of having healthy families. And it eventually has impacted, in a negative way, our culture. So imagine what would happen if we had a rebirth of healthy families, where mom and dad loved each other, and they loved the kids and taught the kids, the kids learned how to obey, how to honor their parents.

Wow. I think it would change the climate in any culture. So I'm really excited about this book, Five Traits of a Healthy Family. I think the main tip of the spear, what you're talking about, is that it gives you hope. Because you look at the culture, you look at everything that's going on around you, and you can just become hopeless that there can be any kind of change. But you start with what you can change, that is right there at home in your relationships that you have, and that gives you hope and momentum, doesn't it?

I think so, Chris. And the reality is, even if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, and really don't have much of a picture of what it should be, well, first of all, let's get the picture. That's one of the things I'm doing in the book, is I believe five fundamental traits of a healthy family. And then, let's learn how to begin to do those things.

It's a process. We can grow toward having a healthy family, starting right where we are. And so, I'm just hoping this book's going to give the practical help that people need to envision a healthy family, and then learn how to take steps to grow in having a healthy family. You can find out more about it at our website, buildingrelationships.us. The title is Five Traits of a Healthy Family. All right, let's begin the conversation today with our callers with a love language marriage conundrum. Here's our first question. Hi, Gary. My wife and I have read your five love languages, and my wife is convinced that her love language is acts of service.

However, it tends to be that the acts of service that I do for her, she never appreciates, and has actually even reprimanded me for doing them because she didn't tell me to do them. So, I'm just kind of curious, is there something we're missing here? Thanks.

Bye. Great question. I'm sure there are others that can identify with that question. You know, Chris, not only do we have to learn to speak the love language of our spouse, but we need to learn the dialects of our spouse. That is, what kind of acts of service would they find meaningful? And that's why I think it would be good for this couple, or any couple, to sit down and say, okay, now your language is acts of service.

What are the kind of things that would be most meaningful to you? And you may be shocked at what your wife will say, or husband would say. You know, taking the trash out every night after dinner may be super high on their list, and you may not have thought about that. And if the trash can wasn't full, you just left it sitting there.

And in the morning, they're going in there and thinking, oh my, why didn't they take the trash out? So, having an open discussion about the kind of dialects that is the specific kind of acts of service that she would really appreciate, I think would be a good place to start. Now, here's the other side of that. I'm guessing that your love language is words of appreciation, because you're saying she doesn't ever express appreciation, no matter what I do. In fact, sometimes she criticizes what I did, because she didn't ask me to do it. So, your wife needs to be tuned in to what your primary love language is. And if she wants to enhance the marriage, then she chooses to speak that language.

Now, you can't make your spouse speak your love language. But you can say, honey, I don't know how you're feeling, but my love tank's kind of low. Or like when she gives you a criticism for something to say, okay, honey, tell me exactly how I can do that better next time. You see, she needs to know that criticism is like a dagger in your heart, if words of affirmation is your language. And she's not intending to put a dagger in your heart, but that's precisely what she's doing. So, that's why open conversations about all of this is the way to work through those things, and you to learn how best to speak the dialects of her language, and how to speak your love language, whatever it is.

I'm just guessing it's words of affirmation, maybe something else. This is really helpful, Gary, because he could just shut down. You know, she didn't, I don't speak her love language, I'm trying to speak her love language, nothing is ever good, I'm going to give up.

He could be defensive like that and shut down. But it sounds like there is at least a sliver of a question in there, like is there something going on here? And as you were talking, my thought was, let's say her love language is gifts, and it's getting cold outside, and she's got a coat that has a whole lot of holes in it, you know. And he goes out and buys her a diamond ring.

Now that's a great gift, but what she needed was a coat, and he brought it down. So it's, and it's just like the trash that you were saying, if you find out, you just say, honey, what would it be that I could do for you that would really sing in your soul, you find the answer to that question, and then you're speaking her dialect, right? Yeah, absolutely, and if it's gifts, if her language is gifts, or his language is gifts, then to say, honey, I really want to speak your love language, could you make me a list of the kind of things that would really be meaningful to you? Because, you know, I didn't grow up receiving a lot of gifts, and it's not natural for me to give gifts, but I can learn, and I really want to learn. But it would be really helpful if you could, you know, just make me a list of some of the things.

And if it's a particular brand of something that you like, be sure and put the brand in there, because what I'd like to do is give you something that you'd really appreciate. What if she comes back and says, well, you should know, I'm not going to write it down and give you a list, you ought to know this. I think what I would say is, well, honey, you're giving me too much credit. I cannot read your mind. I did not take a course in college on reading minds, and I cannot read your mind.

And I would say to that wife, because what you just said is said by people. And I say, you know, look, look, don't expect your spouse to read your mind and know exactly what kind of gifts to give you. That's asking too much.

It's impossible. So give them information, and it'll be a great gift to them if you give them information on the kind of gifts or the kind of dialect you would appreciate most in your love language. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and this is our Dear Gary broadcast for September. We'd love to hear your question for Dr. Chapman. Call today, leave a message. Our number is 1-866-424-GARY. This is not a counseling line, so we can't call you back.

But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it here on the program. Call 1-866-424-GARY. A featured resource is the book by Dr. Chapman, Five Traits of a Healthy Family, Steps You Can Take to Grow Closer, Communicate Better, and Change the World Together. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. All right, here's a caller who took the love language assessment and has a question about the results.

Hi, Gary. I just finished and absolutely loved "The 5 Love Languages" , The Secret to Love That Laps. I took notes on every single almost page and loved the homework. However, when I took the test for A, I got nine. For B, I got eight. For C, I got one. For D, I got five. And for E, I got seven. Have you ever come across someone who is multilingual, I guess would be the term? Thanks, Gary.

I look forward to the podcast. Chris, what I hear this caller saying is that she ranked rather high on three of them, and almost the same on three of them. And she's wondering, what is my love language?

Let me say this. Yes, there are individuals for whom, let's say two of them, this is pretty common, two of them will be almost the same. And I call those people bilingual. Okay, either one of those languages is going to speak deeply to you. And in this case, it might be three that seem to be rather similar. So I would say, you know, share with your spouse that all three of these are very, very meaningful to me. Once they have that down, at least it's nailed down to three that are primary for you. Now listen, all of them are fine for all of us.

We're not going to turn away any one of these. But what we do want to learn is to focus on the ones that are most meaningful to the other person. So I think after a while, if your spouse begins to speak each of these, you know, periodically trying to speak of these three, you will begin to discover that one of them really is more important than the other two of the three. Because I think we have one typically that does stand out a little bit above. And here you said the first one was the one that stood out really above, because I think you had a nine on that. But at any rate, I think that when you begin to receive love in these ways, you may begin to sense more clearly that one of them really is more important than the other two.

But all three of them are important. So that's still helpful information for your spouse. If I'm this person's husband, then I'll say, Hey, I got a better shot at this, because I get a three out of five chance that this, you know, that I'm going to be able to really speak something meaningful into her life.

Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And that's what we're after here, you know, is how can I best express to you that I love you, that I want to enrich your life, that I want to help you in any way I can. And so how can I best do that?

And that's the information that the Love Language Quiz gives you. And you can find that at buildingrelationships.us. You can also call us and ask a question. Leave a message on our listener line. 1-866-424-GARY. Again, leave your message.

Make it as brief as possible. 866-424-GARY. And let's see what happens on a future Dear Gary broadcast. We talked about using the love languages in a long distance relationship.

What about using them in this next situation? Hey, Gary, I recently finished reading your book, "The 5 Love Languages" , the men edition, and it has resonated very well with me. I've been separated, my wife and I, for five months now, and it's continuing. And I'm just wondering if there is a way that I can apply "The 5 Love Languages" in a situation in which you're separated, where trust has been broken amidst other things, but not sexual infidelity.

Please help. Thanks. I think, Chris, anytime we go through a separation, it means that things were not good. We don't separate if the marriage is healthy.

And there are many reasons why a couple, one of them at least, chooses to separate from the other one. And the question I'm hearing him ask is, can "The 5 Love Languages" help in that setting? I would say this, first of all, if the wife has not read "The 5 Love Languages" , I would say to him, you know, I read this book that's given me more understanding than I had before about what happened to us.

I understand it sold 20 million copies and it's helped a lot of people. I wonder if you would be willing to read the book and just give me your impressions of it, because I really sense it told me something about my own failures in reaching your needs. You know, some kind of, in his own words, but some while sharing that idea, because if she can read the book and get the concept and look back and realize, oh, now I see why I didn't feel loved. He never, ever spoke my love language. Well, maybe the reason was he didn't know your love language. Now he's beginning to learn.

He's reading. He's trying to learn something that's going to change him. I would say that would be a helpful start if she's open to that at all. The other thing I would say is this, ask God to show you where you failed in the marriage. None of us are perfect.

And I don't know in this case whether both of you would say, well, it was mainly her problem or mainly his problem. But at least you ask God to show you where you failed in the marriage and write it down. Whatever comes to your mind, write them down and confess them to God and ask his forgiveness. And then go to your spouse and tell them, you know, I've been thinking about us and especially about my failures in the marriage. And I actually asked God to show me where I failed you and he gave me a pretty big list. And I would like to share this with you because I realize that I need to deal with this.

And I want to share them with you. I don't know if you can forgive me or you can't forgive me. I would like for you to forgive me, but I at least want to share them with you and confess to you that I failed you at these points. There's something about that kind of open honesty that even if they don't immediately forgive you, they walk away and think, wow, I've never heard that before.

They always were blaming me for things and criticizing me. And now they're confessing their own failures. See, God can use that step to begin to work in their heart that maybe there is hope for this marriage. So I wouldn't give up just because you're separated. I did write a book entitled One More Try, What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart. That would be a book I think that you and she might profit from in addition to "The 5 Love Languages" because it's dealing with couples who come to the place where some of them have already separated, others are thinking of separation. But I think you might find that book helpful. And you can find that when you go to buildingrelationships.us.

You can look at the resources tab at the top and click that. One More Try is the title of that book that Gary just mentioned. And a follow-up to that, Gary, so you really have hope for people who right now who are listening and are separated and feel like there is no hope for reconciliation with that spouse. You say there really is hope?

I really believe there is, Chris. I understand how couples lose hope and in my counseling office I've often said through the years, you know, I'm empathetic with where you are and I can see how you would feel like there's no hope. So why don't you go on my hope for a while? You know, as counselors we have hope for people who don't have hope for themselves. So if you're willing to go for counseling and let's just explore some possibilities of things that might we do differently and let's just see what happens.

You don't have to tell me that you have hope, but are you willing to reach out and try to learn some things that might change your feelings about whether there's hope or not. And if you go to that website buildingrelationships.us, click on Store because there's quizzes, there's resources. You can find out where Gary's going to be speaking in the next few weeks and months, events.

But if you click on Store and scroll down, you'll see the book One More Try at buildingrelationships.us. Our next caller has some good news and some bad news. It sounds like there's been a spiritual turnaround in her and her husband's life, but the bad news, well, here's our next call.

Hi, Gary. So this is the question. We married, we've both been unfaithful, then we came to God, and now whatever he says is not important. If the kid comes at 3 o'clock in the morning, it's not important.

I have completely taken myself out. No, don't want to contribute, don't want to clean, don't want to do anything in the house. And whatever he says to my son, I will just take the authority away and you know what, it's okay.

Don't worry, he comes at 3, don't worry, don't worry. He's doing things with his brothers or he's doing things with people outside, it's okay. He's not wanting to go to church, he's fine. So I take the whole authority away in front of the kids, in front of everybody. Yes, can I have a guide, is it over, is there any fixing? I'm a devoted Christian in church, I do everything that I can for church, but at home it's a different story. Okay. Well, Chris, let me say this.

It sounds like this is a very, very difficult marriage with a lot of pain, even unfaithfulness on the part of both of them in the past. I am encouraged that both of them have become Christians, at least that's what she says. They've both become true followers of Jesus because that's where the real hope lies. I mean, on the human level, we're limited in our ability to make changes. So with the help of God, we can make changes. I mean, just read the Bible.

I mean, people who were, we would say, horrible sinners have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. So that offers hope. Now, I don't quite understand all that she's saying. It sounds like that her husband doesn't be not giving very much to the marriage and she is just kind of disregarding him. And whatever he does is fine with her. She's just not involved emotionally with him.

And in front of the kids, if they ask a question about where's dad, they say, well, he's probably out with his brothers or something. She just kind of covers it all up. She's kind of lost hope, it sounds to me like, in the marriage, even though she's involved in church now. And she's hopefully growing in her relationship with God. So I can first understand how she would be discouraged and how she would just want to give up. But I would say, now that they've both become Christians, this would be a time to discuss with him, you know, now we've both hurt each other in the past and we've lost a lot of our positive feelings for each other.

We both feel hurt. Why don't we try to find a Christian counselor who helps people like us? Listen, there's help available. A Christian counselor who has a concept of what the Bible says and the power of Christ to change lives can help you. Now, I know you can't make your husband go for counseling, but you can say to him, you know, now that we've become Christians, why don't we begin to ask God to lead us to a Christian counselor who can help us deal with all the hurt and the pain of our past and see what can happen. That would be my suggestion.

Most of the time if you talk to your pastor about a Christian counselor, they know who the Christian counselors are and they can help you find a Christian counselor. It can't hurt. And it may radically change things. So rather than just totally giving up and just doing nothing to work on the marriage, I would say that would be, if he's willing, that would be the most powerful and the best thing you can do that offers hope. There is hope.

I really do believe there's hope. I wrote another book called Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. And it sounds to me like you feel like walking away. But remember, God loved us while we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us. The Bible says the love of God can be poured in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, so we can love a husband that we feel like walking away on. So there's great hope if you let your new relationship with God begin to flourish by learning what the Bible teaches about the power of the Holy Spirit to change lives.

Oh, I hope that encourages you today. And if you're listening, call her. Or if somebody else is listening and you feel the same way, it sounds like for her, church is an oasis. She could spend the whole day there. She could just live there. She goes home and there's just this wounding and there's this dysfunction. So if you find yourself in that situation, maybe you can take a little of the oasis home with you or, like you say, counseling, sitting down with somebody, an observer who can lead you together if he's willing to do that. And if he's not, I think you would say, Gary, you go yourself, right? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Because the counselor can help you understand yourself and also help you think through on what steps you might take to have a positive influence on your spouse. So if you go to the website buildingrelationships.us and you click on store at the top, I found it right there.

It is loving your spouse when you feel like walking away. You can find it right there at buildingrelationships.us. Hi, Gary. It's Mike from Australia. I really like the book, but I'm wondering how I can get into listening to one of your seminars that you do over there.

If you can let me know, please. Thanks, Mike. Well, it's good to hear from Australia, Chris. Yes, it is.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad he's read "The 5 Love Languages" . There are some things online at buildingrelationships.us. There is a session on "The 5 Love Languages" .

There's also one on raising social kids in the midst of all the technology we have today. If you go to buildingrelationships.us and check on store, it'll take you to those. You might also check YouTube because some people have put on YouTube interviews I've had or speeches I've had on various aspects of marriage and family and just see what you can find there. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. And if you enjoy our program, please visit our website buildingrelationships.us. There you'll find out more about Dr. Chapman, his New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

You can also hear a podcast of the program. Take an assessment of your love language and see when Gary might be coming to your area. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. A featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's book, Five Traits of a Healthy Family. Steps you can take to grow closer, communicate better and change the world together.

You can find out more about it at the website buildingrelationships.us. We've had a lot of questions through the years about divorce, Gary. I don't think we've ever dealt with this specific question of this divorced man. Here we go. Hey, Gary. Thank you very much for taking my call.

My question is something I've been struggling for a long time. As a divorced person of an unwanted divorce, I'm still trying to figure out why in the Christian community they are trying to push me to basically find another wife, as if I'm somehow inadequate unless I remarry, when simply I have no desire and no want to do so. Quite frankly, it's very troubling, which is why I currently do not have a home church family.

Thank you very much. Bye. Well, Chris, I think it's unfortunate that some Christians would think that he will never be happy or can never accomplish God's purposes for his life if he doesn't remarry. I value marriage, no question about that, and I believe God ordained marriage. But I don't think that we should push someone who's divorced to get to remarry.

I don't mean that there's not grounds where they could remarry if they choose to do that. But we shouldn't think that that's the norm and that they'll never be happy or never accomplish God's purposes if they don't get remarried. It seems like that the fact that some people have said that to him has kind of pushed him out of a local church, and so he's not involved. And I would encourage him not to give up on the church just because he's heard that message from some Christians.

I would say visit some other churches because not all churches are the same, and God ordained the church. And we all need to be living life with other people and having relationships with other people. We don't have to be married to accomplish God's purposes, but we do need to be interfacing with a family because God placed us in families.

So those would be my thoughts for this gentleman. I'm deeply empathetic when a person is divorced, not because they wanted a divorce, but because the other person pressed for divorce. And the reality is one person cannot keep a marriage from breaking up. One person can create a divorce, but one person cannot keep a divorce from happening. And as Christians, we need to be empathetic with a person who's gone through an unwanted divorce. Probably the folks who've said this had good intentions, but you understand by what he's hearing that they're feeling like they're forcing him, that he needs to find a wife and get married because he's not going to accomplish God's purposes without that. And I think that's a mistake. That's a really good reminder.

Thank you for being vulnerable with that question. If you'd like to ask Dr. Chapman a question or respond to something you hear today, 1-866-424-GARY is our number, 866-424-GARY. Our next caller is in a long-term marriage and she needs a little hope.

Hi Gary. I've been married a little over 30 years and now have a husband that has absolutely no interest in intimacy or going on at least eight years, refuses any kind of help. What are your suggestions? Love him, don't want to leave him, but also want to feel loved. Thank you.

Well, let me thank the caller for calling and sharing this. And I think any of us who are married would find this very frustrating because we are sexual creatures and marriage is the context in which God designed for us to be sexually intimate. I would say, first of all, it would be helpful to know why he's not interested. Is it a physical problem because sometimes things happen in our bodies that do affect us sexually? Or is he involved with someone else and therefore he's not interested in having relations with you because he's getting that satisfied somewhere else? Or is he into pornography in which he's relieving himself and there he's not interested in being intimate with you? See, there are different reasons why and if you knew why, then you could deal with that particular issue, whatever that happens to be. If she's not aware of why he's not interested in intimacy in the marriage, then she's frustrated and that's where she is right now. So I would say if you can, in an open conversation with him, try to find out why he has no interest in this, that would be helpful to you. Another thing would be to say to him, I don't know how you feel about us, but I'm not feeling good about our relationship because we have no intimacy and haven't had for years. And I would like for us to go for counseling with a Christian counselor who deals with this kind of issue.

And I would like to ask you to go with me. And of course you need to find a counselor like that to start with. You might call a pastor and ask whom they would recommend. But even if he says, no, I'm not going, you say, well, I'm going because I'm very, very frustrated with the fact that we don't have intimacy. I'm going and I'm going to make an appointment and go see a counselor. And then when you make the appointment, give him another chance and tell him, Thursday afternoon, next week, I have an appointment. I still would really like for you to go with me so the counselor can hear your perspective.

But if not, I'm going because I've got to have help. And often that kind of approach, he will end up choosing to go so that the counselor can hear his perspective. He may not, but at least you have somebody that you can share where you are in the struggle and they can give you some ideas perhaps on what you might do in the light of that. But I don't think you should just sit still and not talk about this and just let it rock on because obviously it's having a very detrimental effect upon you and upon the relationship. So it needs to be dealt with in some way. You can start with personal conversations and see where that goes.

But if that makes no progress, then reaching out to someone, a counselor outside, could be very helpful as another step. Well, we have another question and this one comes from a pastor. I don't know that we've ever received this kind of question and I think it would be best for me to go ahead and read it. I'd love for you to hear his voice though, Gary, because he's just very complimentary about you and your books and your speaking and it sounds like you have really infused the ministry and the church with a lot of life from what you've done.

So I want you to hear that. But he says he read your book, Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. He counsels groups and individuals and there are a lot of marriage issues that he's dealing with in the church. How would you, he asks, how would you advise a wife who's wanting to grow strong in her faith and her husband tends toward narcissism based on a background of trauma and abuse and perhaps some unresolved emotional issues. They go along for a while and things get a little better. Then they get worse and the wife muscles through the marriage until it gets to a breaking point. She's ready to leave. Then she resolves to stay and not get a divorce and the process just repeats. How do you counsel a spouse who is seeking to please Christ and live out a gospel posture but she has a narcissistic husband? Well, Chris, I think there is a place for a wife in this case to say, I've been praying a lot about us and I think you know that we have serious problems in our relationship.

I have really sought to find answers but it appears to me that you have no interest in our marriage. I've asked you to go for counseling. You're not willing to do that.

I've asked you to read a book. You're not willing to do that. And therefore, I know I can't make you do anything but I love you too much to just sit here and do nothing about your behavior because you're hurting me very deeply. You're hurting my children if indeed that's the case.

And I cannot believe you would feel good about yourself with what you're doing. Therefore, I'm going to move in with my mother. I'm not abandoning you. I'm fully willing to go for counseling with you or for you to go for counseling by yourself to deal with whatever problem has caused you to be the way you are. I believe there's hope if you would reach out for that. And if you can deal with your problem, then I will go to marriage counseling with you and we can try to find reconciliation. But I love you too much to simply sit here and do nothing.

Chris, not many people take that approach. They just get so hurt and so angry that one day they just say, I'm out of here and they just leave in anger. And because typically they've criticized the spouse for a long time, the spouse feels great. I'm glad you're gone.

I'm tired of your criticism anyway. But if you say it as an act of love, it's not abandonment, it's an act of love. I love you too much to do nothing and therefore this is what I'm going to do. Now, that approach is more helpful and more powerful if the spouse for six months has been speaking their love language in spite of the fact of the way they behaved. So learning their love language, speaking their love language, no matter how they've been responding to you, you do that for six months. Then you take this tough love approach and the spouse has got something to lose because they've been enjoying what they don't deserve, whatever language you've been speaking to them, and they've been sensing that you really are loving them. So that's the better approach in my opinion, is tender love for a period of time in a meaningful way, then tough love.

And tough love often becomes the place where the person is willing to make change. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Our featured resource today at buildingrelationships.us is Dr. Chapman's book, Five Traits of a Healthy Family.

You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. You know, one of the things I love about this program is I'll try to anticipate what Gary's going to say and where he will go, and he always surprises me in some form or fashion just as insight. I don't have any idea what he's going to say to this next caller who is deeply concerned about his marriage, but we're about to find out.

Hi, Gary. I am in a terrible storm. My wife is estranged from me. I have no idea other than she's in the state of Texas and that she has been involved in quite a bit of YouTube and prophetic ministries, which I believe has reshaped her thinking. We've been married for 44 years, and now she feels that we're in a different season. Our spiritual outlooks are diametrically opposed.

I'm almost convinced that she is under demonic influence. She has estranged herself from her children, grandchildren, and myself. I would appreciate being able to actually hear of you to address this matter. We aren't sure how to go about it, and I'm just at a loss. I've been deeply in prayer, and this is really something that I believe has really drawn me closer to God through Christ, and I'm trying to lean on them and the Holy Spirit to help me through this time. Any advisement that you can give us in regard to this matter, we would appreciate it as a family. Thank you very much.

Bye. Well, I have to appreciate the fact that this husband is looking to God in the midst of all of this and praying that God would work in a way that only he can do. That's definitely a positive. It sounds to me like that this wife has left and gone to Texas and is involved in some kind of church or spiritual group that has apparently attracted her deeply and is in charge of her life, as it were. I don't know what that group may be. I don't know if that's totally true, but that's what it sounds like to me. If she's walked away not only from her husband, but will have nothing to do with her children and her grandchildren, that is not natural behavior. There's something going on there spiritually or mentally, either mental illness or spiritual illness, that has led her to just break all ties with her family. Especially since they've been married 44 years, and he appears to be a strong Christian.

I assume she would have been, a number of years ago, maybe she would have said that same thing. No question about it, sometimes sincere Christians get caught up in cultic type groups that pull them in, and it is spiritual warfare, and the enemy deceives them and gets them into a group where it possesses them. Their whole life is possessed by that group. It's a very difficult situation. Intervention is sometimes an approach that is taken.

It should always be done with a counselor or with a pastor, someone who has some experience in this. If indeed she is obsessed with something, with a group and their teachings, or she has mental illness, and if you can find out where she is, apparently he doesn't even know where she is. You can't do an intervention if you don't know where the person is. An intervention is going in and forcibly removing the person from the situation, and getting them back, and getting them to a counselor, or into some kind of program that kind of detox them from whatever has obsessed them.

But if you don't know where they are, obviously that's not possible. Prayer is perhaps the most powerful thing you can do at this point if you have no contact with her and don't know where she is. It's praying that God will open her eyes, that God will bring somebody across her path who can deliver her from the situation that she's caught up in. I think for the family, you and the children, to have a conversation, but you perhaps have already done that, and try to ask each other, do you have any idea why Mom would have done this, or where Mom is, or who she's involved with, and what are your ideas on what we ought to do? Because this is the family concern. It's not just a husband concern.

It's a family concern. So I think you're right to be desperately praying that God will intervene in her life, and bring something to surface that would give you a clue as to what the next step might be. I was thinking of that verse in Ephesians about Paul writing to that church, I pray the eyes of your heart may be enlightened. Open the eyes of your heart in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you. And then it goes on from there, Ephesians 1.18. But I think you've touched the nerve of that spiritual battle that is going on, Gary, and I wonder if we've got other callers that we were going to get to today. I wonder if we could just stop right here.

There have been a lot of needs expressed through the marriages, and the struggles, and the love languages, and the conflict there. But let's just stop and pray for this situation, and anybody else who's gone through that rugged time, that rugged struggle in their life. Would you pray?

Yeah, surely. Father, you know every individual that we've heard by phone today. You know where they are, you know what's going on, what's happened since they left that on their phone lines.

You know how to touch their heart and open their eyes, how to bring to their minds steps that might be taken. And I pray for that. And I pray for those who are estranged like the call we've just had. Father, you know where that wife is and that mother is.

You know what she's involved in. And I know that you have the ability to bring deliverance and to bring help to that person. And I pray that you supernaturally would drive back any spiritual powers that are seeking to deceive her and ruin her life, and bring into her life people that could communicate to her and help her break the bondage of that. For all those couples, Lord, who have called because they're all in deep struggles, and some who are listening today who are in deep struggles. And Father, we know that without your help we cannot bring healing in relationships. And I pray that you would touch hearts and give hope and then help them to take positive steps in reaching out to find someone around them, counselor, pastor, or someone who can help them and walk with them through the pain that they're experiencing. I pray this for your glory. I pray this for their good. In the name of Christ. Amen. As you've listened today, you may say to yourself, I don't know that I would ever call and leave a message like that, but my marriage or my relationship with my son or daughter or with grandkids or whatever is just going off the rails.

Do you hear what kind of hope can happen when people are vulnerable? So I'll just ask you, if you want to respond to something you've heard today or you want to ask Gary a question, we'd love to hear from you. Keep it as private as you want. And if you say, don't use my name, I'll read the question or Andrea will.

1-866-424-GARY is the number, 866-424-4279. And make sure that you go to buildingrelationships.us. Our featured resource is Five Traits of a Healthy Family. Again, find out more at buildingrelationships.us. And coming up next week, if you have wounds because of an absent or abusive father, don't miss the conversation in one week. Author Kia Stevens will join us. A big thank you today to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.