Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 2

Anger is a secondary emotion. Now what I mean by that is your problem is not anger.

It's like an iceberg. Anger is the tip that reveals something deeper inside. Many people spend their whole life trying to overcome their anger.

It never works because it's not the real issue. If you want to learn what the real issue is, stay with me. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.

I'm Dave Drouie. And in this program, Chip picks up where he left off last time in his series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, by explaining how we all wrestle with feelings of anger. Before we begin, if you've been encouraged by this series, would you take a minute after this message and share it with a friend?

Now you can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s at livingontheedge.org. As Chip begins the second half of his talk, Why We All Struggle With Anger, he continues unpacking the roots behind this emotion. Okay. Anger is a secondary emotion. We got it. It's an iceberg up here underneath. You have unmet needs, hurt.

There's two more. The second, the second reason that we bolt to anger is frustration. Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations.

The distance between what you expect to happen and what really happens, if it's a little, we call it frustration. If you expect this to happen and this is your experience, that's anger. If you expect this to happen and this happens, you are super ticked off. A lot of your anger is built into expectations.

And by the way, this comes as a surprise. People actually cannot read your mind. You have expectations there in your head that people don't know that they're there.

You were raised in a certain way and your expectation is things should be clean like this. You have expectations what people should do, what they shouldn't do, what they should say, what they should never say, how they should drive, how they should treat people. And they ought and should and always should never do certain things. And when people violate those, you get mad. And often, you don't know even why you're mad. Proverbs 14, 29, it says, a patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.

Anger is inseparably linked to our expectations. I can remember a time I was in the Philippines. We were doing ministry and it was a basketball ministry and we were there for three weeks and we were out in the boonies. And I mean like the most wonderful thing about every three days, you would go into a little room if they had it. It would be ice cold water and you got to pour it over your head with a bar of soap and you would get a bowl of rice. And we played three games a day and it was our winter, so it was their summer. And so it was like 98 degrees, 101% humidity.

I mean, you'd lose about 10, 12 pounds a day in sweat. And so then we got back to Manila and we're ready to head home and they had a coup. They have lots of coups in the Philippines and they shut down all the airlines. No one can leave the country. I said, no, you don't understand.

I have a wife and three children. And they said, well, maybe in three months we'll open this up. I said, you really don't understand. I have to get back. And I mean, we're praying and praying and praying and praying and praying and the president or someone says, okay, we're going to let some of the people out of the country. We get on a crowded plane for 17 hours, no food, no bowl of rice. I'm the happiest person you've ever seen in your life. I love this. This is great. Can I help you serve the water that's warm to other passengers? I just want to help, Stuart. This is awesome. I love it. Okay? Picture number one.

Picture number two. I'm with my family and we were trying to save money. And so to save money, we had one of those very nonstop flights. And so we got on and it was on time. And I had three rather smaller kids at the time and they gave us peanuts and seven up. And then we waited for an hour and a half. We got peanuts and pretzels on the next trip. Then we had just peanuts. Then we had pretzels and water. And it was about a seven-hour trip. It was exactly on time. It was exactly what they promised and I was so ticked off at the end of that day.

Why? I got something to eat. I had a clean seat.

It took about four or five hours total instead of 16. When I was in the Philippines, my expectations were if I can just get out of here, it'll be awesome. Happy camper. When I'm in America, I want, they said, a light snack. How is peanuts and seven up a light snack? Give me a break.

I mean like a little dinky sandwich or something, but I got three kids, man. They're just vomiting all over the back seat. They're going crazy.

They're fighting with one another. Pretzels, peanuts, pretzels, peanuts. Give me a break. Right? Expectations. Notice the biblical example here we have in Naaman. But Naaman became furious. 2 Kings 5, 11, and 12.

Remember him? He wanted to be healed. And they said, well, go to the prophet in Israel.

Man, God's doing great, miraculous things through him. So he comes to the prophet and the prophet tells him to go wash in the river. And Naaman's furious and went away and said, indeed, I said to myself, he will surely come out. These are his expectations. Speaking of Elijah. He'll surely come out, stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God and wave his hand over this place and heal the leprosy. And then he names a couple of his rivers in his hometown and he said, aren't those waters better than any in Israel?

Could I not wash in them and be clean? So he turned away in a rage. Isn't it interesting? He came to the prophet. He has expectations.

If he does this, there's a few little spiritual words, but instead the prophet goes, tell you what, why don't you go down to this river, dip seven times, six won't work, and you'll be healed. How many times have you told God the way he has to work in your life? How many times have your expectations for other people about how they have to respond, when they have to respond?

How many times is life not fair? You know, I expected my marriage to be trouble-free. Right? I expected when my kids got to be 20 or 22 to 3, 24 years old and they were really grown, my major parenting wouldn't be done.

Right? You know, I expected when I worked really hard, trusted God, gave generously, tried to stay in shape, I wouldn't be the one to get in cancer. But God was in charge.

Naaman, go do it this way. So much of our anger is this distance between what we experience and these unconscious expectations that we have. Notice in 1 Chronicles 15, 29, it happened as the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord came to the city of David, that Michal, Saul's daughter, looked through a window and saw the king whirling and playing music and she despised him in her heart. Her experience and expectations were, kings always act this way.

His behavior is embarrassing me. Therefore, she bolted to anger and the result, she despised him. What expectations for those of you who are married do you have of your mate that you just assume are from God and are right and are really from your family background and origin, that they do things differently than you expect and you have this resentment in your heart? See, this anger stuff really deals with deep transformational issues from the inside out.

Let me give you a tool. This is how to communicate your frustration. It's the I desire versus I demand expectations. Here's what happens is when you can change what your expectations are, they become a demand.

They basically become it ought, it should, it always, it never. When you hear yourself saying those words, those are demands. Life ought to be fair. My kids ought to call.

My marriage should be fulfilling all the time. I ought to make more money. I should have been promoted. Ought, should, always, never are demand statements.

By the way, some of you make those on yourself. I ought to be perfect. I ought to keep the house clean all the time. I should never bloat at work.

I should always have every project done on time, always. And so some of you are mad at yourselves. You know what? I got news for you. There's only one Jesus and you ain't it. You're not going to be perfect, right? And so you have this anger.

What would happen? Here's the difference. Here's the tool. You start, and I actually have to write these down. I have to write everything down.

I'm a little slow. I desire to have a fulfilling and deep marriage even in a fallen world. I desire and long to have a deep, wonderful relationship with my grown kids, even though now with their own kids and lifestyles, they don't respond as quickly as I would like. I wish, I desire, I long for, Lord, I hope.

You see the difference? So when you have a desire that doesn't come through, you have disappointment. And everyone has disappointment. When you make a demand and it doesn't come through, you have anger. And so many of your anger issues and my anger issues are rooted in unconscious expectations that you don't even know that are there. Number three, insecurity, real or perceived attack on my worth. Often anger is merely an evidence of insecurity in my life. The tip of the iceberg is anger. It's the red light flashing on the dashboard of my soul.

Option number one, it may be hurt. The tool is I feel messages. Option number two, it might be unmet needs as a result of unrealistic perceived or real expectations. The tool is I desire versus I demand. The third possibility is basically insecurities or real or perceived personal attack on my worth. Proverbs 15 one, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. What does a harsh word do? What does criticism do? What does someone calling you a name do?

What does someone cutting in front of you and making a gesture do? What does someone attacking you do? That harsh word, it stirs up anger. Why? Because your personhood has been attacked.

Your value has been attacked. And sometimes your safety has been attacked and anger is probably a very wise and good response. Proverbs 18 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.

Why? An offended brother, when you attack or when you are attacked, when your personhood, when your security is attacked, I'll tell you what, the bars go up. Again, let me read a quick overview of this that I think puts it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened, we tend to call a red alert. Unfortunately, we usually do it automatically without properly assessing the risk. We do it over small, insignificant things as well as big, overwhelming issues. Whether the impending intruder is a mouse or a monster, we gear up for action with almost the same intensity. We get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off on the highway, when our spouse has been unfaithful, when the store clerk makes a rude comment, when the boss takes credit for all the work that we did, when there's a long line at the bank and when we discover our teenager stole some money.

We need to stop and assess the situation before we blast in with heavy artillery. I came to a little window, and I've shared this before and I shared it when we started, is that I believe that everybody is desperately insecure. If you study Genesis chapter 3, you'll find that when sin entered the world, a new pattern occurred. God calls out, Adam, where are you? Adam's response is, I heard you coming, therefore I was afraid.

Why? Sin had entered, he now sees he's inadequate. He's self-conscious for the first time. That inadequacy produces fear rooted in shame, therefore I hid. Inadequacy or insecurity creates a fear of others seeing me as I am, and so I hide.

Paul Tournier wrote a little book that had a fabulous impact on my life called The Strong and the Weak. A Swiss psychologist translated from French to English, and he interviewed all these people in his practice and basically realized that everyone's desperately insecure. Some people have strong reactions, they power up, they yell, they scream, they tell you how many people report to them, how much money they make, where they live, where their zip code is, what they drive, and they do that to keep a distance, and it works. Other people feel desperately insecure and they use weak reactions. They look at the floor, they're shy, they withdraw, they tell you all their problems, they're like a victim, and after you hear the sad story the seventh time, you kind of see them in church and say, I think I'll use the other hallway. Both keep people at a distance.

When I discovered, you know what, Ingram? You're going to be insecure the rest of your life. Your only security is in Christ. It removes the threat. Why should I care if someone I don't know flips me off in the highway?

I mean, who is this guy? My angry response when my security is threatened tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity I have than the stupidity of the driver that just did that. When someone says a harsh word and my immediate reaction is, hey, what did you say?

Where's that coming from? Why am I bolting to anger? It's because I feel exposed. When they criticize my project, why do I get so defensive?

Well, because it's really an attack on me. Do you get it? Notice in Scripture here we've got a couple good examples of both Saul and the Jewish leaders.

You know the story, right? David has now killed Goliath, and Saul has put him over the army, and we can pick up the story. So David went wherever Saul sent him, and he behaved wisely. Saul sent him out, men of war. He was accepted in the sight of all the people and also Saul's servants.

It happened that as they were coming home, David was returning, and they began to sing this song. Saul has slain his thousands and David his ten thousands. Saul hears this, and instead of saying, wow, I must be a great delegator. I'm really looking to build a legacy. I'm empowering other people, and the goal, it's God's Israel.

We are making real progress. He's threatened. He thinks, uh-oh, I'm the king. And it says, then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him. They have ascribed to David ten thousand, and to me a thousand. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?

There's a very insecure man at the success of other people. The same thing happens in the religious leaders. You pick up the story in Acts 5, and through the hands of the apostles, signs and wonders are being done.

They're done with one accord on Solomon's porch. Yet none of the rest dared join them, but the people esteemed them highly, and the believers were increasing, and the Lord added to the multitudes of men and women so that they brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and couches, and even in the least of Peter's shadow passing by might fall on some of them. And so the multitudes gathered from the surrounding cities of Jerusalem, and they brought the sick and those who were tormented by unclean spirits, and they were all healed. God's doing this miraculous thing as he bursts the church. And here's religious leaders, and they saw what they did to Jesus. They have all this scripture, and instead of saying, wow, I guess we were wrong. He must be the Messiah.

I mean, this is pretty heavy-duty stuff. Everyone's healed. Demons are flying out. What's their response?

Then the high priest rose up and all those that were with him, which is the sect of the Sadducees, and they were filled with indignation, and they laid their hands on the apostles and put them in the common prison. And I just want to suggest to you that when your reaction is very strong, very defensive, when you respond to criticism in a way that, and you may stuff it strongly, you may spew it, or you may find yourself leaking it out, what if? What if you said, wait a second, does this person's opinion really matter that much?

Am I going to give this person's view of me an overriding power to determine who I am instead of who God says I am? So much of our anger is not just hurt and not just frustration, but we're basically insecure people, and when our security or our self-worth gets attacked, we bolt to anger, because I will tell you, it's threatening, isn't it? The tool here is the kind of ask yourself question, why am I feeling threatened? And here's the little questions, you know, it's a process, but you ask yourself, what is being attacked? Who is attacking me?

Is the threat menial or meaningful? And whose approval am I seeking? And you know, you just start asking that and you realize, you know, that's a fellow employee, he's been here two months, he's rude, he's got a big ego, he criticized me, I wanted to punch his lights out, I mean, that was my initial reaction, but he's really big, so I think I'll not go there, and it would not be a very good testimony, but you have these thoughts, you know?

And then you just realize, this is silly, I don't need that person's approval. I got criticized, she criticized me in the car, you know what, we've been married 27 years, I think I can find where we're supposed to go, I got a GPS, I can see where the little spaces are, there's one over there, there's one over there, why do you get so angry? Woman, I can tell you I can find empty parking spots, you understand?

Zip it, here's some duct tape, you know? Ask yourself, guys, what is it about that that makes you so angry? It has nothing to do with parking spots. It's my ego is being threatened at somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment that I'm not smart enough to figure it out, right?

Now, there's two applications here, ladies, and the other application is guys. You know what, thanks, son, I'll get a little help, right? See, when you can begin to understand that defensiveness, that bolt to anger, how many of you have had arguments like that?

Great morning with the Lord, on your way to church, and over a parking lot, I mean, the Spirit of God leaves the room, right? In summary, the first step in overcoming the destructive power of anger, and write this word, is the courage to look below the surface. I had the aha moment of my life, and it changed my life. When I realized sitting for 10 minutes in a car, the problem's not anger, I'm hurt. Since then I've learned, you know, it's not hurt, I'm frustrated.

I had expectations of when this would be done, or what people would do, or what I expected of myself, and you know something, I'm not hitting those. Now, sometimes I just need to accept that, confess my sin, plan better, and other times it's, you know, it's a fallen world, everyone gave it their best shot, this is just where we're at. And finally, I just have to accept a lot of the anger I have is people attack my personhood, and I'm either going to respond in defensiveness, in anger, and in like manner, or I'm going to ask a few questions like, who's being attacked, what are they really attacking, is this really worth dealing with, and do they really have the power to define who I am? Anger is the light on the dashboard, anger is our way of protecting ourselves from painful, hard to deal with hurts, frustrations, and insecurities. Anger has many faces, and despite its power for good, it will destroy unless we, and this is what we're going to look at next time, we call it the ABCDs.

You know, I want to give you a very clean process to look under the hood. It will be acknowledge your anger, backtrack to the first emotion, consider the real cause, and then to determine how to rightly respond. Chip will be right back with his application for this message Why We All Struggle With Anger from his series Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Have you ever been told you have an anger problem? Has your temper damaged or ruined a meaningful relationship?

Are the frustrations of daily life weighing you down? Well, let me tell you, there's a better way to handle these emotions. In this series, Chip reveals how we all struggle with anger and breaks down the most common ways we express it. You'll learn practical, biblical solutions to rein in anger before it destroys you and your most treasured relationships. Don't miss How We Can Be, As Jesus Said, Angry But Without Sin. Now, if you miss any part of this series Overcoming Emotions That Destroy or want to learn more about our helpful resources, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to get plugged in. Chip, we're in the middle of this series focused on understanding and managing our anger. Would you take just a second and explain why this issue is so important to learn? There are few things that will impact your life, your family, your marriage, all your relationships, what happens at work, than how you handle your emotions.

More specifically, the emotion of anger or the guilt, the shame, the devastation, all the things that surround anger when it's not properly understood or properly responded to. All I can say is that I don't know where you can invest your time in the next few months, but let me encourage you that overcoming emotions that destroy you and your relationships would be a great place to really invest. Let me just help you think this through. If you are a reader, why don't you get one book and a book for a friend and read it together and discuss it over coffee?

If you're a listener, why don't you pull down the MP3 and maybe someone from another state or a relative that you feel safe with, you email them the MP3, you listen to it together, you download the notes for free, and very economically you say, let's really learn to overcome those emotions that destroy. Or for some of you, you've been thinking, we need to launch a Bible study or the next small group series for our small group at church or for our men or women's group or our Sunday school class. We ought to get this. Be thinking outside the box.

This isn't just for you. God wants to use you as an ambassador. Imagine the people in your network, if they understood anger, begin to use it for good instead of evil, the good that would happen in your homes, your churches, and your community.

Be an ambassador for Christ. Act today. Thanks, Chip. Well, to help you get the most out of this series, for a limited time we've discounted all of the resources for overcoming emotions that destroy. Whether you order Chip's book, stream the video teaching, download the MP3s, or get the small group study guides, we've got you covered. Learn more about the discounts on all of the series resources by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or go to livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap special offers.

As we close today's program, I want to do a quick review and then let's leave with one very specific application. Number one, anger is a secondary emotion. It is not the issue. Second, there are three primary reasons why we get angry. First is hurt, second is frustration, and third is insecurity. Now, I gave very specific tools to help you kind of look under the surface with each one of those.

Here's all I want you to do today. Any time you get angry, I mean, down to little frustrations, driving home from work, a red light, too much noise, one of the kids screams, I don't know, you know, someone tells something, you know it's not true. Any time you begin to feel angry feelings, I want you to ask the question, why am I angry? Did someone hurt me? Well, maybe or maybe not.

Is it a blocked goal, so is it frustration, or was it personal attack, insecurity? Just get your arms around one of those three things and let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging that we are angry, get to the root cause, and God will begin to help you deal with anger in a very powerful way. You know, an easy way to share Chip's messages is with the Chip Ingram app. With just a couple of taps, any message you choose is on its way to your friend, someone in your family, or social media to help others who could benefit from the truth of scripture and its encouragement. And don't forget to include a quick note about how it made a difference in your life. We'll be with us again next time when Chip continues his series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Until then, this is Dave Drouie saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. Music