Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How To Discipline Your Child Effectively, Part 1

Whenever I teach on parenting, can you guess what topic is the most asked for?

You got it. Discipline. In fact, parents say, how in the world can I get my kid to mind without losing mind? And discipline is one of those tricky areas.

Some people are too hard, some people are too soft. God has a plan, and I want to share it with you today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.

I'm Dave Druey. And today Chip tackles the subject every parent wants to know more about. What do I do when my kid won't obey? What are some positive do's and for sure don'ts that will keep my child from hating me when I have to be the bad guy?

Well, Chip's going to get super practical, so get your notes handy. And here he is with part one of his message, how to discipline your child effectively. You know, when you get around the table and you start talking to brothers and sisters if you've grown up or in my case I have grown kids, you talk about, you know, in my case how I disciplined them. It is a lot of laughs. I mean you really do laugh at the crazy things you did as a parent and then you find out all the crazy things your kids did that you didn't even know about. But I will tell you when you're in the midst of disciplining and raising your kids, it isn't funny at all. The biggest heart breaks and the biggest heart aches I've ever had in my life was over issues with my kids and feeling like a failure or feeling like I didn't know what to do or being paralyzed by fear at some choices I saw them making. The biggest arguments I've ever had in my marriage were around how we should discipline our kids.

We have one person that tends to be overly strict and one that tends to be overly passive and meeting in the middle is hard. We're going to talk about how to effectively discipline your kids and I'm not sure there's anything more important for the sake of your children than that. If you pull out your notes, I want to give you two case studies to get us going.

Case study number one is called the Rubin Hill, Minnesota report. It was an empirical study with thousands of teenagers over a period of time to determine what kind of parenting styles produce what kind of children. We all have a parenting style. In order to do this, they created an X and Y axis, you know, horizontal axis and a vertical axis. The X axis or the horizontal axis from 0 to 100, 0 being very low on discipline or control, 100 being very high on control. The Y or vertical axis, the 0 at the bottom would be unloving, unaffirming, literally giving nothing to your kids and then 100 would be maybe over the top loving. You know, this is the parent that kisses their children 72 times, walks out the door and goes, I knew it should have been 73 before they go to bed. And so what that produces is four very clear quadrants of a parenting style and each of these quadrants produce in general a very predictable kind of response from kids.

Quadrant number one I call the permissive parent. These are parents that are very fearful. They don't want to disappoint their kids. They parent in such a way that they're so afraid they're going to maybe damage their children's psyche or they're fearful that they will be rejected. And the result is children with low self-esteem and inferiority. Parents who for all the right motives are very permissive create kids that don't like themselves very well and that are very insecure. The second quadrant are those that are very low on discipline and then also low on love.

This is like the worst of all cases. This is the neglectful parent. They're preoccupied with business or work or TV or social activities or church or more often they find themselves in an addiction or in a very nasty divorce. And basically through multiple circumstances they're very unloving and very permissive and there's no boundaries.

There's no affirmation. And most of these kids find themselves in a counseling room somewhere trying to work through the very painful issues of I didn't matter. I wasn't love.

I was in strange. They have no relationship with their parents. They basically live a life that says I never want to be like my parents and how could anyone let alone God love me because my parents didn't. Quadrant number three is the authoritarian parent. This is the parent that ends up with a fighting lifestyle with their child. This is sort of the Nazi parent. This is the person that is low on love but very high control. So it's sort of like these parents they don't just win the wars.

They win every single battle. This is at the table when you mildly roll your I saw you roll your eyes. Don't you do that. You were a little child. You go to your room right now.

You didn't clean up your plate. And you know like the kids are like I can never measure up. The bar is so high.

The intensity is always up. They get the structure but they don't feel the love and there's not an atmosphere of you're accepted even when you blow it. These kids very predictably rebel. They sort of have this silent little meter inside that goes I can't wait to get out of this house and my super high control parents will not control me later. The fourth quadrant in the study was the authoritative parents. They had a fellowshipping style. Interestingly they were very high in control. These were strict parents. But they were very high in love. They communicated to the kids you matter. That behavior isn't acceptable. The boundaries are clear.

The rules are very clear. But it was a fun fellowshipping encouraging highly invested. And it produces kids with high self-image great coping skills and a good relationship with their parents with lots of ups and downs along the way. So if you could choose one style of parenting which one would you like to be. Notice at the bottom this balanced authoritative high love and high on discipline. Produced children with high self-esteem excellent coping skills and a positive relationship with their parents.

Some of you may have not been around for the very first message. But we said that kids have two primary needs. Significance and security. We said that the way they feel significant is when we love them. We affirm them. We treat them as special. We value them regardless of their behavior.

We said the way they experience security is we set very clear boundaries and we're consistent and enforce them. Isn't it interesting when someone does a sociological study over time with thousands of parents and teenagers they find aha. What produces great kids with great coping skills with high self-esteem that make their own decisions.

Our parents that are high on love and high on discipline. Now I'd like before we go on because most of us would like to just sort of drift and think well you know I'm pretty much a four. Right. No one wants to be neglectful. But what I'd like you to do is I'm going to guess that you have tendencies. OK.

So you're probably all fours. But what I'd like you to do is think if you err on the side of being a little too permissive or being a little too strict which would it be. Just so that you can listen for what God may want to speak to you. Turn the page if you will. Study number two is right from the Bible. Anytime from scripture we have God parenting us as his spiritual children and giving us clear guidelines about what discipline is why it matters and how to do it. We ought to pay attention. The book of Hebrews is written during a time of persecution.

It's written to a mixed group of Christians and non-Christians and under the persecution and difficulty. Although they started well we're obeying God. Well right now it's getting kind of tough and they're drifting a lot like our kids do right.

They know what's right to do but they're not doing it. And so God brings I call it the velvet vice of discipline. He brings consequences in their life to get their attention to get them back on the right path for the right reason.

Follow along as I read this case study. It was written in about AD 66 or 70. It's written to Jewish Christians and a mixed audience. And the introduction is in your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have you forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons. In other words it is difficult. You haven't been martyred yet.

It's really hard. And then he's going to quote Proverbs chapter 3. My son do not make light of the Lord's discipline and do not lose heart when he rebukes you. Because the Lord disciplines those he loves and he chastens every one he accepts as a son.

And now he gives the instruction. Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons.

Don't chafe against the difficult circumstances in your life except this is God's discipline. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you're not disciplined and everyone who undergoes discipline, it's true, then you're an illegitimate child and not true sons. Moreover we've all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the father of our spirits and live?

And then he gives just an illustration that they would all kind of lean back and say well that's true. Our human fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best. But God disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness. God disciplines us for our good that we might share in his holiness.

There's a clear target on the wall. He wants to make us like his son. He wants to make us like Christ. He wants to make us whole.

He wants to bring out the best in our life and through our life. And then he gives us sort of a summary axiomatic principle about discipline. No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on however it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Circle the word trained. It's a process. When God is a part of disciplining your life he uses adversity and difficulty and health issues and financial issues and circumstances and stock market drops. He uses things that you can't control.

But he's your heavenly father and he wants to use those things to discipline or align your life so that you get the very best. I'm going to ask you to do one thing on your notes if you will up where on the top where it says my son do not make light of the Lord's discipline. Would you put a line right through discipline and write the word action. It's an interesting word.

It's Yassar. And we translate the word discipline and then he uses the same word in English discipline and rebuke. But this word is action. God uses certain actions to bring about desired behavior. Later on he says he rebukes you. That's a different Hebrew word.

It's Yaheg and this is word. So I just want you to put word action in words because what you're going to see is all through the Old Testament all through the wisdom literature. Here's what God's plan is. Discipline isn't like just painful things you go through. Discipline is the process by which God uses actions or consequences along with very specific words and instructions to bring about the very best.

Now I want to spend most of our time in the practical side of this. And so let me just walk through what I think is a summary of this passage and then the points of the passage so we can get to OK. How do we practice it? Because I think discipline for many it's like a dirty word. It's like oh hard or we have a picture of you know someone doing terrible things to little people to make them obey. This is the biblical view of discipline.

It's teaching obedience to God and his word. How? Through consistent consequences actions and clear instructions words in an atmosphere of love. OK. You look at it.

I'm going to read it again. I want you to get this is discipline. Regardless of what your parents did regardless of what the media says regardless of what you've heard whatever emotional baggage discipline is teaching obedience to God.

Why and his word. So your kids get the very best. How do you do it through consistent actions through clear instruction in an atmosphere of love.

And so well why. The necessity of discipline is to deter destruction. Undisciplined children undisciplined children of God.

They destroy themselves. I mean we watch kids we incarcerate more children in this country than any country in the world. We have more people in prisons than any place in the world. We have a culture in America that is very undisciplined that doesn't respect authority. And you know what if you don't discipline your kids just lock on someone will someday.

Right. How many of our kids have you know they were really struggling and they went into the military and what happened structure discipline expectations and they hated it like I've never had anyone go boot camp. Man I went in the Marines boot camp was awesome. What do they tell you.

I hated it. And then what do they tell you. I'm a man. I own my own responsibility. I get up on time.

I clean my own boots. I watch my brother. He's got my back. I got his back. We're a team.

This isn't about me. Right. Sometimes it's not the military sometimes it's the juvenile hall. Later it's a prison. And you know the recidivism the reason why so many people after they're in prison they've never learned discipline it provides structure. I've had a lot of inmates tell me I'm scared to death.

I almost don't want to come out because I know how to live here. You eat at this time. You do this. There's structure. There's consequences.

When I get out I don't know how to do that. And I just find myself with the wrong people doing the same thing repeating the same behavior about 70 percent or more of all people that come out of prison go right back. So we're talking about a pretty serious topic you want your kids to have self discipline to learn to say no to short term attraction and endure short term pain to get long term gain. Secondly the means of discipline are actions and words. So all we're going to learn about is for your kids as a parent or grandparent what actions are consequences and what words do you use to align them to keep them on the right path. Third the motive of discipline is not to punish or make them feel bad it's to express love.

What's the whole passage? Endure hardship God is treating you as sons. If he doesn't discipline you you're illegitimate and you're not even loved. I did one of my theses for some graduate work I did and I had to do all these studies and I was just shocked because a lot of them came out of you know interviews with juvenile delinquents. And in all the studies these are juvenile delinquents these are people that are incarcerated and they'd ask on survey after survey how did you know your parents loved you or didn't love you. And among the top two responses among juvenile delinquents were when my parents disciplined me I knew they loved me. And you know what when they didn't they didn't give her up they didn't care.

Now your kids are never going to tell you that by the way. Their kids are going to buck you why can't I do that I want to do everything I want but they they desperately long in their soul for that security that consistency. But so it's to express love the goal of discipline is to teach obedience. It's not just to make them a happy camper you want them to learn to obey to submit. And by the way the whole idea of submission is usually if you want to do it it's not submitting.

It's learning to do what you really don't want to do by faith thinking this is really better for me. And don't they learn that in sports. You know what it's it's August and we're going to do two a days. Coach I love to run line drills I love doing two a days we're going to bust it bust it bust why because they're learning to endure the pain now so for the fourth quarter later. Or you know they go and they they want to be a musician and they they want to play like this and the piano teacher goes do the scales. I know how to do scales I want to get to the fun.

If you don't discipline yourself and do scales so you can do it backwards and forwards you can it right. Short term pain going into training so that something happens a bit later for the good for the higher good. The result of discipline is you can fill this one in can't you short term pain that produces long term gain. I want to give you a physical picture of this and then I want you to think with me because this is hard.

OK can we just go into this like this is really really hard. When you make your kids through words and consequences do what they don't want to do when they're real little they do things like this. And I don't know about you when my kids did that to me I felt like a terrible parent when they get older they do this. When they get a little bit older they slam the door. You don't love me.

Why don't you trust me. And everything in you wants to give them what they want instead of what they need because it brings initial peace for the moment. So most of us are willing to trade short term peace for long term pain. But what a parent does and what God does is he teaches us to endure short term pain to get long term gain. Now you're going to have to do this in their social relationships. You're going to have to do this in what they watch. You're going to have to do this with their friendships. You're going to have to do it in their spiritual development.

You have to do it in their physical development. But it's kind of hard to see so I'm going to give you a picture just in the very simple physical realm so you can say oh I get it. It makes sense.

And then I'll have a little application for you. My dad was a really good athlete and so part of learning every sport was sort of what he taught me. When something broke he picked up the phone.

Is there a repairman? Because that was his idea of anything. He couldn't fix anything. And that genetic gift was passed on to me. But my dad could shoot a basketball. He was on a football scholarship. He won the state of Virginia in golden gloves.

He was just an amazing athlete. And so I learned all this kind of stuff. And then I became a Christian and I had this amazing opportunity to marry this great woman. And I got to adopt these two little boys. And I had no idea how to be a good dad. And I was so conscious about being a good dad. And we had devotional times and I'm reading them Bible stories. And then I've got about six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven years under my belt. And they're in sixth grade and these two older boys are ready to go into junior high. And I felt like, you know, I'm struggling but I'm trying to be a good dad. And so we were down on the floor or something and I said, hey guys, hey Jason, Eric, how you doing?

How many push-ups can you do? And Jason was sort of at that little sort of chubby season that you have sometimes at about 12 years old. And he could do one. And Eric was thinner, quite thinner.

He could do three. And I thought, remember guys, any of you remember what junior high was like? Remember what junior high locker rooms were like? Remember your first shower in junior high? Remember when you did sports in junior high?

And all of a sudden this picture was, I'm the worst father in the whole world. They're going to go to junior high. They're going to get killed.

I mean, they're going to get massacred. Man, I've been so concerned about their spiritual development, their relational development. I mean, I've been asleep on the job. So being the loving, kind, zealous father who always has a great process, who brings things into being, it's all a lie. I said to them, guys, tomorrow morning, we've got to address this, 6 a.m. Dad, what are you kidding me?

Yeah, we'll do push-ups and sit-ups every morning for the next three months. I mean, they didn't more than roll the rod. Are you kidding me? I mean, get that, give me a break.

No, no. And you know, this was not like, hey, here's an idea. What do you think, guys? It was, I'll see you at 6 a.m., set your alarms. Oh, Dad, so they get up, you know. Okay, here we go. Come on, guys, let's go, let's go. Jason, come on, come on, let's go.

Okay, look, son. And so, you know, like after a week, you know, he's up to three and he's up to five. Three weeks later he's got 20, the other's got 10. Two months later they're ripping off 40 and 50. Three months later they're watching their bodies change. Four months later they are at a garage sale, find a bar and a bench press. Five months later they're in the garage pumping iron, they look like different boys, and they walk into junior high as men prepared for what they're going to have to face.

Now, here's what you need to know. Their dad's a jerk. I mean, you know, sometimes they whisper, he's a jerk, he's a jerk, Eric, can you believe this?

I mean, it was a very loud whisper. To which they got, guys, sorry, Dad. I was a complete jerk. Every morning, hold their feet, push up, push up, then sit up, sit up. And I did them with them. Let me ask you a question. Are you willing to be a jerk?

My one son, who is a little chubby one, he really struggled in a lot of areas, but that became his outlet. I remember later when he got older and he said, Dad, do you want to go lift with me? And I said, sure. He was bench passionate like 280, 300. And then, it's your turn, Dad, and they take off all the weights. Here, I'll help you, you know. And he ended up with a broken hand.

I think he won the CCL in wrestling. And it was where all these deep issues and issues in his heart he was trying to figure out. Listen carefully. You need to be willing to be a jerk and say, you can't date that boy. You can't date that girl.

You can't go to that movie. I love you too much. No, we're not going to play three different sports and have our whole family in a minivan every night because everyone else gets to. No, this is what we're going to do. Yes, tell you what, we're going to sit around the table and you can roll your eyes as much as you want, but we're going to eat together and I want to hear what's going on.

You don't have to have your heart in it, but we're going to join hands and we're going to pray for one another. And you cause them to have some short-term pain because you're the parent. And what you know is it doesn't matter whether they like you or slam the door or roll their eyes today, but you want them 10 years later looking back and saying, thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad. That's why we have coaches. They help us do things we would never do on our own because they care and want to develop the best. We have developed a society that you want to be your kid's little buddy and you never want to feel rejected and it's all about keeping the peace instead of making peace.

They have plenty of friends and plenty of buddies. Be willing to be a jerk for a season if need be. To give them what they need instead of what they want. Make sense?

Now the question is how do we do that? And as we do that, there's one theological issue I've got to share with you. It's the difference between punishment and discipline.

And this is, I'll make this brief, but it's very, very critical. You know the difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment's focus is to inflict the penalty for an offense. Punishment is this past misdeed is the focus.

The attitude from the parent is often hostility, frustration, and the result is fear and guilt. And so they took the car when you said not to and they got a little bump in it or they went behind your back. How many times have I told you to do that? What's wrong with you, you loser?

You didn't do your homework. This is what's going to happen, right? Excuse the outburst, but that's not new to a lot of you. It got all built up. You're going to make them pay.

You won't accept that. Often you've let it build up for a long time and you have these explosions. For many of you, I mean bedtime constantly, homework constantly, fighting with one another constantly. It's chaos in your house. And then pretty soon, then you lay down the law, then you feel guilty as a parent. Discipline, by contrast, is training for correction, for maturity.

That's the purpose. The focus is future correct acts and the attitude is love and concern on the part of a parent. And the result for your child is security. See, you know, often we say, go to your room. If you are angry, you never discipline out of anger. You have to go to your room first. And you may need to sit on the bed and have your time out to say, God, I am so livid. It doesn't mean you have emotions. It doesn't mean you don't share them. I am so livid.

I mean, this is metaphorical, of course. I want to wring their neck. I can't believe that. They violated my trust. They did this.

They did this. And then here's where you go. And Father, I understand that God, the second person of the Trinity, took on human flesh in the form of a baby by a virgin and lived a perfect life. And then you laid your life out on the cross and you became our sin offering.

Our propitiation is the word. And all the sins of all people were placed on the son and he absorbed them. And your just anger and punishment and wrath because you hate sin was poured on Christ. And that's why he said, my God, my God, why have you forsaken him? Our sins and the judgment of God was put on Jesus. And then in that payment he died, rose the third day, for forty days walked upon the earth, five hundred eyewitnesses.

He's sitting at the right hand. God never punishes his children. God never punishes you. He disciplines you. God's never mad at you.

All of his anger for all time and all people was placed on Christ. And so when you do things that you know are wrong and you feel guilty and you hurt people, God's motive and purpose is to realign your life to give you the best. His motive and purpose is to care for you. His heart is to express his love. Now, those consequences may be severe when you're really disobedient. And it may look like the same thing punishment could be, but the heart and the purpose is different. Do you get that?

Chip will be right back with his application for today. Quickly, though, the message you just heard is from his series, Effective Parenting in a Defective World. Raising kids is a challenge, no doubt.

Peers and the culture exert constant pressure on them and you. In this series, Chip helps you see how God's principles for raising children still work today. This series is packed with practical advice and gives you a larger vision for your child's future and sensible help for what you're facing right now. For a limited time, all the resources for Effective Parenting are discounted, including the book and the small group video study. Check out the details at livingontheedge.org, tap Special Offers on the app, or give us a call at 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003. Chip, helping parents guide and discipline in a way that honors God is such a passion of yours, but it's also a heavy burden on your heart. For listeners who share that burden and are concerned about kids and the real battle that parents face in our culture, is there a way they can help?

Really, only about 2% of all the people that listen partner with us financially in any way, and I think sometimes it's because they just don't think what I could do would make a difference. But I just want to encourage some of you that feel like, you know, hey, you know, boy, God's really using this in my life, but I'm just not in a position. Maybe you could do something really small, but God could take your small gift and do something really big with it. So, you know, thanks so much and appreciate anything God leads you to do. Well, if you've been watching all that's happening in the news, wondering what you can do, maybe helping us reach more moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas with the biblical principles of wise parenting would be the perfect way to help. It doesn't have to be a lot, but a small monthly commitment would be a tangible way to make a difference. Now, if you're inspired to join us, we'd love to have you on the team. To send a gift or to set up a recurring donation, just call us at 888-333-6003 or go to LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners, tap the donate button and let me thank you in advance for doing whatever God leads you to do. Well, that wraps us for this program. I hope you'll join us again next time when Chip continues his series, Effective Parenting in a Defective World. Until then, for everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.