Special Needs Parent | Dr. Joe & Cindi Ferrini

Across Africa, millions of Christians are suffering a Bible famine. They hunger for God's Word, but there simply aren't enough Bibles. Today, Timothy Project is close to launching Africa's first Bible web press. To help complete this project, visit TimothyProject.info. If you're the parent of a special needs child, don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman. When we got married, we had a set of blueprints. And then when you have a special needs child, you can just, that blows up that blueprint that we realized that we had to make some radical modifications or we're going to have some really difficult times. We all need people around us, whether we have a special needs child or not. But adding a special needs child adds a whole different dimension to the needs that are needed.

Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

Well, it may be a journey you didn't choose, but it also comes with joy you never expected. Dr. Joe and Cindy Farini join us today to talk about the struggles and the real life that can happen to a special needs parent. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the Farini's book by that title, The Special Needs Parent, subtitled A Guide to the Life You Never Expected. Again, go to buildingrelationships.us.

And Gary, this is one of those topics I know is going to hit home not only for the family with a special needs child, but for a neighborhood and a church community with special needs children, don't you think?

Well, I certainly would hope that, Chris. You know, I think there are more and more churches that are realizing the church needs to be playing a role with these parents and walking with these parents. And certainly anyone who has a special needs child is going to find some encouraging help today and recognizing that, look, we're not the only ones that are walking this road, okay?

So, yeah, I'm excited about our conversation today.

Well, let's meet our guests. For the past 40 years, Dr. Joe and Cindy Farini have been caring for a special needs child. They live in Cleveland, Ohio, with one child at home, two married daughters, and their families nearby. For the past 20 years, they've spoken at Family Life Weekend to Remember conferences, and they've written two previous books about marriage and parenting and the special needs journey.

Their latest is titled The Special Needs Parent, A Guide to the Life You Never Expected. We have it linked right there at the website, buildingrelationships.us.

Well Cindy and Dr. Joe, welcome to Building Relationships. Oh, thank you so much. It's just great to be here. We are glad that you're here today and really appreciate what you have done in caring for your special needs, child, and trying to help others who are walking that road as well.

But let's start with how the two of you met and fell in love. Can you give us a flyover of your love story? Oh, we love this question so much.

So we met in high school, but I always say, I would have never dated him. And he's quick to reply, I would have never asked you out. And so it was not love at first sight or anything like that. And in fact, we each had. High school sweethearts.

And so, in the realm of Dating those people through high school and college, we each became engaged to our high school sweethearts. Then, just short of Joe's getting married, let him share that story in a minute, but he broke off his engagement and I broke off mine pretty much at the same time. But we did not know that. We did not know what was happening in each other's lives. And so I'll let you tell that just for a moment, Joe.

Sure. I was in dental school at the time, but as Cidy said, I was engaged to a gal that I knew for about five years or so, and Sidney knew her fiancé for about seven years.

So these people were like family to us. But literally one month before the wedding day, I called the wedding off. And there are several reasons behind that. That clearly was not an easy decision, but looking back, it was the right decision to make. And so uh I went off and uh It was soon after that, about a month after that, I came to the Lord.

And so a fellow dental school classmate of mine, Jim and his wife Lisa, just took a real interest in me and they began sharing with me. About their relationship with the Lord. And of course, at the time, that made no sense to me at all. But I thought, you know, these are nice people, and I sure need to be around some nice people at this time. And, you know, literally, after clinics on Friday, Jim would invite me over to his house for a home-cooked meal.

And since that was the only home-cooked meal I got all week, I really looked forward to going to Jimmy Lisa's house. And so, you know, probably. You see, I finished dental school in 78. I went to Ohio State for dental school. And I immediately went into practice.

After that, and but I remember a friend of mine invited me to church. my first Sunday that I was home. And there across the crowded room, I saw what I thought was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. I started and I said to myself, I need to get to know this person. And so I walked across the church and the closer I got, I realized that this was Cindy Kamelik, a girl I went to high school with.

And as we Got close and close. My first question to her was: So, where's your husband? And she said to me, Well, we never got married and her question to me was, So where's your wife? And I said, Well, we never got married. And immediately at that point, fireworks are blowing off in my head.

I'm thinking this is a really good thing going on at this point. And and so She very graciously, being the nice person that she is, she invited me over to her apartment and uh Soon after church. But I remember distinctly walking out of that church. And as much as I could audibly say, I heard a voice, I heard the Lord saying to me that she's the one. But let me just say that while that's what he heard, I had nothing of that.

Verbalization to my heart or my head from the Lord. I just was like, oh, how nice to see Joe Farini. And let's just invite him over. I was having a brunch at my apartment with a bunch of single friends of mine, teachers, it was all women. But I've always invited people here, there, and everywhere.

So I said, come on over. And, you know, really, he just had six of us that he could have asked out any. I mean, there was like a whole bunch of us. All of us were Christians. And so it was kind of fun.

But I didn't hear that same thing. Thought at all. And so when we had time after we all had something to eat, Joe and I were sitting outside and just chatting about school and what had happened in each of our lives. And I remember just saying to him, like, I'm just so happy being single. I'm serving the Lord.

And yeah, I always wanted to be married and have a family, but I wasn't in a place where at all that I thought, Wow, here's potential, and so it was kind of fun to see how the Lord. Really through all those years of knowing each other through high school and through college, but not really seeing each other all those years, he really put both of our lives almost on an identical path to meeting each other, and that made it really fun. Yeah.

Well, I'm imagining that there's some folks out there right now who are engaged. Am I sure this is what I want to do? It's always interesting to know how God directs lives and brings people together.

So that's exciting. I would also add: both of our stories, the reason for the breakups in each of our engagements, really was crucial to knowing that. We were going to come to know the Lord. I came to the Lord and then called off my engagement. Job broke off his engagement and then came to the Lord.

So the Lord used the obedience of our heart. I really sensed like after coming to the Lord that the Lord did not want me to marry this man. And as Job said, you know, they become your family.

So it was hard, but truly, I acted out of obedience. I know both of us would say that we are very thankful for the choices that we made, even though both were difficult and under different circumstances.

Well Joe and Cindy today of course we're talking about special needs children and Joey came into your lives many years ago now. We wouldn't be talking about this today if that had not happened. And so tell us about your hopes, your dreams for Joey, and what happened after he was born.

Well, you know, all my life I was kind of wrapped up in sports. And so when I found out that our first child was going to be a boy, and I'll just give you a visual on this one, when we brought Joey home from the hospital, He was wearing a sleeper from the Ohio State University. He had an autograph Cleveland Brown's football stuffed in the corner of his crib. And in the other corner he had the Cleveland Indians. Baseball with a baseball glove.

And so you can imagine what I was thinking about what was going to happen with my son's life. And so I had these big dreams for Joey. But those dreams came crashing down about nine months into his life. Yeah, and I would say I didn't have any of those particular kinds of dreams specific to Joey in that way. I think just as every mother.

would probably say I just had hoped for a child that would, you know, be healthy. And then of course I know Joe felt this way too, but that our all of our children, if we had more than one, would would come to know the Lord and honor him.

So those were some of the thoughts that I had early on. In the context of time, of course, you say you realize that there were some difficulties here. What were your feelings when you learned that you were going on this journey with a special needs child?

Well, I think for both of us, we realized kind of around the same time when Joey wasn't reaching his milestones, even as simple as turning over or sitting up or getting into a crawl position to crawl. we thought, you know, he has a big head. Maybe just his head is Not letting him develop quite as quickly as others might be, but you know, the older that he got, the more the difference became, and so about nine months or so, even. After numerous doctor's appointments, when we went to the doctor, they weren't really saying anything that they thought might. Be of concern.

So I went to the library back in the day and I got a book out. I think it just was about special needs. And there I read a document to portion of what I thought Joey was. And I was shocked. I was just shocked.

I was like, oh my goodness, this can't be. And then, of course, I brought it home to talk to Joe and tell him. And then, you know, he had his own journey from there.

Well, you know, when I read that book, it was pretty eye-opening as was the case with Cindy. And I took notes and I wrote down, based upon what I was reading, what Joey's diagnosis was. and we went into the to the doctor's office and and I said to the doctor, You know, this is what we believe Joey has. And I kind of rattled off. He, I believe he has probably cervical palsy, most likely will develop epilepsy, and he's mentally retarded as well.

Which was diagnosis back then. That was the kind of wording that they used. And. And all the doctor said, he said, you're right. And he just got up and he walked out.

Yeah, duh. Of course, Cindy and I were just looking at each other at that point. We just burst into tears because we now realized that we have a challenge in front of us that we were not set up to understand. And one of the things that we like to talk about is the fact that when we got married, we had a set of blueprints. that we were going to build upon oneness in our marriage relationship.

And we came to an agreement about what that blueprint should be. And then when you have a special needs child, you can just that blows up that blueprint. Completely, and we realized that we had to make some radical modifications to that blueprint, or we're going to have some really difficult times. ahead for us. And tragically, as you know, statistically, the studies are shown that 80, 80 percent or more of married couples who have a special needs child will end up in divorce court.

And that's a tragic reality. that does exist at this time. And clearly, looking back, that probably was a good motivator for us to write the books that we did. Because for Sydney and I, we made a covenant with God when we got married. that we were not going to even think about divorce as an as even a an option for us.

And uh that unfortunately, culturally, is not what we hear many times when people get married today. That's for sure.

Well, there's no question about it. When you d discover the reality that you have a child that's not what you expected. And you know enough to know a little bit about what that looks like, there has to be a sense of loss. Uh and and so grief grief is is normal, right? That's right.

Oh, absolutely. And I feel like we should grieve because any time we have any kind of a discouraging moment or disappointment in our lives, I think that we should acknowledge it. And when we acknowledge it, we do have grief. And so I think that's important. But I also feel like.

As we are now 45 years down the road with Joey, Yes, you can grieve that, but you can't stay in that place. You can't just live in that place and forever be grieving that you didn't get what you wanted or had hoped for. And and we don't grieve as those who don't have hope, right?

So we want really Part of our journey really has been, or really most of the journey, is to glorify God in this and to let others realize that this isn't a sentence on your marriage or a sentence on you. This is just a way that you can glorify the Lord. And how are you going to do that? Yeah, but realistically, I must be honest with you, is that Cindy bought into that one real quick and I just had a difficult time doing that. And if you will, I...

I had to come to that fork in the road of making a decision as to whether or not I was going to just jump in. Feet first, and just accept the fact that my son is going to be special needs, and I'm never going to be able to play catch with him, I'm never going to be able to coach for him. That's just reality. Or basically, I was going to bail out. And that the more I thought about it and came to before the Lord, it just became real clear to me that you need to come alongside your wife because right now she's the only one carrying this burden.

And she doesn't think that, but I was seeing it from that perspective. And so I felt. For the sake of my wife, I'm coming alongside of her and helping her any way I can. And I'm going to help my son be all that he can be. And those are choices.

And they may sound like, oh, that's a pretty easy decision, but no, it's not an easy decision. When you come to the fact that you're now dealing with a special needs child who we were told. He would never walk and he would never talk. And that was difficult for us to accept and obviously more difficult for me than it was for Cindy apparently. Yeah.

Boy. I think any parent who walks that road has to struggle with their own feelings, you know, and and why is this going on? Why is this happening to us and all that sort of thing. And and we don't always get answers to those questions, do we? No, we don't.

Not the ones we want, anyway. Yeah, right, right. Not the ones that we're hoping for. But I think that becomes honestly the beauty of this journey. Like, sometimes I feel.

You know, I wish other people had this opportunity to get to know someone the way that we've gotten to know Joey. Has it been easy? No, it hasn't been easy. But you learn to sacrifice in a way and care for another in a way that if you don't get that early in your life or early in the life of your marriage, it's going to become something really different when later on in life you've, and I don't say that everyone has ease because they don't have a special needs child, but if you've gone through life and not had to sacrifice in these really sacrificial, surrendering kinds of ways, and you get into the end of your life and you're caring for your parents who really need a lot of help, you don't have the stamina, you don't have the endurance or patience, even sometimes to help the parents, your own parents, because you've never developed it. It's almost like a muscle.

You know, like we've developed the muscle over all these years.

So when each of our parents came to that point in their life, we just stepped in and helped. Helped as best we could because we were able to, we understood it. And so I think sometimes people miss out when they don't get.

Sort of a big challenge at the very beginning of their life or marriage to where they really have to trust in the Lord. Yeah.

And those that don't know the Lord think this would be even more difficult. Oh, I can't imagine. It's just that would be a great challenge to have. Trevor Burrus, Jr.: And I agree. I think it's a great challenge because we don't have the perspective of what is the purpose in this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where Joe and I recognize that according to Psalm 138.8, it says, The Lord will accomplish what concerns me.

So we recognize that. The Lord has given us Joey to accomplish a purpose in our life that only Joey could accomplish in our family, in our lives, and in his own life, too. And so there's a blessing to know that. It's still difficult, but we have the Lord. That we can pray to him.

We can ask him for direction and guidance. And we believe that he's been right beside us all along. Yeah, you know, a great biblical passage that I have kind of. kind of embraced for our lives is is the uh encounter of jesus with the blind man bartimaeus and uh and you know that story is told a few times in this in the gospels and one time the Disciples asked Jesus, so who sinned? Was it the parents, or was it this man that he was born blind?

And Jesus' response is neither. It was so that I would be glorified, that God would be glorified. through this uh situation. Without being a Christian, without being someone who has a relationship with the Lord, that would be a very difficult thing to accept. But it that is that is the reality.

And we see that Joey his life, although he doesn't talk.

Well, at least he doesn't talk very well. He uh I mean, he has, through his life, been able to impact a lot of people. Yeah.

Cindy, you mentioned that because of what you've gone through with Joy, you reach out to other people and try to help other people. And of course, that's what motivated the two of you to write this book. But is there a temptation for couples to try to handle all that goes with having a special needs child by themselves and not let other people in to walk with them?

Well, that is such a wonderful question and really has some deep consequences, I think, to how it's carried out in one's life, right? But first of all, Joe and I are both type A personalities.

So this question makes us laugh because, of course, we would want control, you know. Of course, we would want to do it all ourselves. Of course, we would want to be able to say, we did this, this, this, and this, and it worked out perfectly. And look at our lives, how wonderful everything turned out. But you know what?

That isn't the case. And there is a temptation to try to do it yourselves for that reason, our own personality types. But I think. The other side of that coin is there is so much that goes on often in the initial diagnosis, and when you're seeing doctors and therapists, nurses, and having appointments, and different kinds of tests, MRIs, and all those sorts of things. And you don't have time to think about asking someone else to hop in and help you on this journey.

You are flying by the seat of your pants, hoping. Hoping you're doing okay. And so I do believe there is a temptation to try to handle this ourselves. But I also say that in the writing of this book, we give different ideas and helps a kind of a launching pad for people to be able to say, this might work for us. And if it doesn't work for you, then at least gives you.

A thought or a premise from which to then work outside of the box with something different. We all need people around us, whether we have a special needs child or not. But adding a special needs child adds a whole different dimension to the needs that are needed. Yeah.

Amen.

Well, talk about the comparison trap that many parents fall into. You know, those who look at other families and say, well, we don't have it as bad as they do. What about those comparison that that whole framework of comparison your family and your situation with other people? How does that fit in here?

Well, that's a very real thing. You know, again. Being the type A personality that we are, and my background being mostly all sports. I was pretty competitive. We both were pretty competitive.

And uh and so when y your child's not reaching those those markers, you're really getting pretty actually upset about the situation and uh whatever. But that that lasts just a little bit of time, but the reality is that it becomes very difficult To accept the fact that your child is not going to be all that your child should be. And that makes those comparisons very difficult to do. In fact, the sooner you stop making those comparisons, the better. Uh, because the your child's just never going to uh be able to do those things.

And I would say, you know, we want to be careful with our typically developing children, too, not to compare them with other people because they are their own identity as well. And we want them to strive and be all that they can be. But I do remember this one time we were at a family gathering. And I was just really frustrated with we got in the car and I said, I cannot believe that this particular family they have three children. The background of this particular father was drugs and alcohol and some other poor choices in life.

And I just said, Oh, my goodness like You know, we don't have that in our background, Joe. Like, we're not perfect people. We never say we're perfect and we we write from that vantage point, we speak from that vantage point. But we knew we didn't have the contributing factors to Joey being the way that he Because of something that we did that would have caused it. I remember getting in the car and saying, Like, I don't get it.

They have three beautiful, smart kids. And I think we just had two children at the time, as I recall. I'm not sure. But I just remember thinking, like, why? I don't understand.

And Joe, in his quiet, calm way, said to me, but Cindy, imagine if Joey was in that family. And that just turned me around. It turned me around to be like, yes, we get. to take care of Joey. We get to help him along the way, as opposed to being frustrated that he didn't turn out, if you will.

the way that our dreams and hopes had wished they would. Right. Yeah, it's a matter of perspective, isn't it, ultimately? Yes, yes. Absolutely.

In your experience through the years, how is the church doing with parents who have special needs children?

Well, that's a very good question. And I must say, Baylor University has done some outstanding research in this area. And some of the statistics that they have found is that one out of three households in America have a member with a disability. Yet, 47% of them have left their church because their child. with disabilities was not welcomed or included in the church.

And that has to change. And it's it's very sad commentary, but that's a reality. And we've seen it ourselves where that has happened. Right. But the the good news is there's a lot of good happening.

And Key Ministry has really Risen to the occasion and has Come to probably be one of the nation's, if not the nation's, largest ministry. Two special needs. as in regards to the church and special needs, whether it's cognitive, physical, mental, all disabilities. And so there is a lot happening that we think is very favorable, and we're so thankful for that. Uh Thanks for joining us today for the Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman podcast. He's the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find us online at buildingrelationships.us where you'll discover more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. Our featured resource today is The Special Needs Parent, A Guide to the Life You Never Expected. It's by our guests, Dr.

Joe and Cindy Farini. Go to buildingrelationships.us or find us at fivelovelanguages.com. In the segment before, we were talking about the church and how the church has or has not responded to help families with special needs children. You know, our church many years ago, I'm thinking at least 30 years ago, started a special ministry on Sunday morning for special needs children.

so that there's someone there helping them, interfacing with them, so the parents are free to go to worship or to go to a small group on Sunday morning. And I hope that if there are those who are listening today who are in places of leadership in churches, I hope you will think about this because it can be a tremendous ministry to families who have special needs children. And just to ignore it is not an act of love. And so I would just challenge leaders to reflect on this and explore what might be going on in your neighborhood and what other churches are doing or not doing. Looking back on your own journey, Was there anything you thought would happen early on with Joey that turned out it didn't happen?

you know, something bad that you were told that you weren't anticipating. Does anything stand out as you look back on that?

So I think early on, you know, the thing that we probably We're most surprised by hearing the words of the diagnosis. You can see in your child's eyes. There's a slowness. You're seeing in their development, they're not hitting the milestones. But to actually hear those words were shocking, and it really hurt.

You know, it hurt to realize like this is a lifetime now of change, and was shocking to us. I think that. Watching Joey be so behind others his age when my friends' kids were running and Joey wasn't even sitting up yet, those were hard things. I think, though, that we had so many wonderful caring professionals along the way. And I just want to add a little note here.

Sometimes you have to change some of your caring professionals because sometimes they don't. You know, help you as much as the help that you need.

So that's okay if you change. But along the way, we had some wonderful, wonderful people that really helped us. And so I think some of the bad news. didn't really hit Um All along the way, because we had such wonderful people to help us. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

If you could go back. and tell yourself anything when you first got the diagnosis. What would you say to yourself?

Well, if I could go back and tell myself anything, it would have been Get in the game. You know, I just, as I mentioned before, I. I didn't jump in two feet like Cindy did. I was, I don't know, I guess I was fighting it, or I didn't want to accept it. I couldn't accept that reality then.

That I'm never going to be able to play catch with my son or coach his teams or do those things. I couldn't, I'm not, that's never going to happen. And as I was really kind of dragging my feet, one of those pressing times that I really found very difficult was that one of the elders from our church. Came when they found out what was happening to us and the difficulties we were having dealing with the situation. And, you know, this elder.

uh said as he was ready to leave was that Well, we can be sure of one thing that God made Joey just the way He wanted Him made. And uh and I gotta tell you, I didn't like that, you know, that he said that. And uh but you know what? He was right. He was right.

And and I just had to accept the fact that God made Joey just the way he wanted him made. And I want to just add, Joe says that he didn't jump in two feet first, you know. I never felt that. I never felt that he was out of the picture or didn't. You know, he wasn't all in because he would come home from work and he left work at work.

And when he came home, he was all present at home.

So I never felt what he expresses here, but it's still a reality to him. You know, that he was-it's a mindset thing, isn't it? Right. Really? The battles for the mind.

Right. Yeah.

Right. For me at first, it was what Cindy was saying. I appreciate that. Yeah.

But eventually it did, a change did happen. Yes. And I would say, if I were to go back and tell myself something when we first got the diagnosis, I think I would say, Cindy, you are going to meet some of the most giving, caring individuals that you will ever meet in healthcare professionals, in people who will step up to help you get your son to the next step. The teachers, the aides, the bus drivers. I mean, so many people.

And honestly, if back in that day when Joey was even 10 or 12, especially puberty, let's start with that one. Even back then, if the Lord would have come to us and said, You know, I'd like to heal Joey. Are you ready for that? We would have said hands down, yes, let's do it. But now we have seen the Lord work in his life, in our life, in the lives of our daughters and our And our grandchildren, that we are just so, so thankful to have Joey in our life and for him to have taught us the things.

The ability to teach us things. It's going to be wonderful. If God did come to us with the option of saying, I'll now heal Joey, as that he said, we would say, no, thank you, Lord. We would say, give that blessing to a new young parent who's just getting this diagnosis for the first time. Give that blessing to those people.

We're fine with Joey just the way he is. As you look back on those days, particularly the earlier days, who comes to your mind? of being really helpful to you in those early years.

Well, as I mentioned before, just the many professionals that come alongside us to help us get our child to the next step. That's one. Just for instance, I've had teachers who have said when it's time to do their IEP, which is an individual educational plan, and they would say, what do you want to see Joey accomplish next? And I would say, I have no idea. I have no idea what is the next step.

I think there were 13 steps to learning how to crawl, and we had to teach him each one of those steps. I had no idea.

So, you know, it's wonderful to have the professionals and the teachers who have learned these things. And so I would tell myself, you know, just be so thankful for the people that have come into your life that. If you didn't have them, you wouldn't have Joey wouldn't be doing and accomplishing, having accomplished the things he has, you know. And just people have been wonderful. And then also, both Joe's parents and my parents, they were so wonderful to give us time away and breaks and read to the children at night.

Joe's parents lived just a few streets away, so they would come over every night and they would be just so wonderful to read stories to them. It was wonderful because sometimes I'd read stories and I would be falling asleep. And then they would think, well, I hope the other kids don't get off my lap and start running around. But they would come over. I would give the kids baths and they would read to the children.

And now, since they've all passed, I have a sister that's very helpful. Both of our daughters are very helpful. And some of that has come by way of training and some of it has come by way of love.

So we're just very, very grateful. Yeah.

Yeah.

As you look back on this, how has being the parent of special needs child changed Each of you.

Well, I would say I you know, if we can use the word patience, I think I've learned that in treating my patients, I think I've gained I had a bigger perspective on getting through some difficult times and so on. And I was more inclined to be more patient with the patient, so to speak. And I've learned to listen. much, much better than what I did before. There's so many things we miss in conversation because we're just kind of revving up to say what we want to say next instead of just listening to what's being said.

And I think that has been a big benefit for me, just learning how to listen better. And Joe's a pretty patient guy, anyway. But you know, when you add. A challenge that is every day, and you don't know what to expect because every day is different every day. Having patience is really important.

And I would say, of the two of us, I would be the least, the one that had the least amount of patience. And I would agree that I have learned to be a much more patient person in a lot of different areas, not only with our own family home and situation here, but with others as well. But I also would add probably a word like flexibility. You know, our daughters even recently have said the reason that our family has. Really done well together and worked as a team together is because we've all learned to be flexible because none of us got our way 100% all the time.

And I do think that's true. You know, when you have a child with special needs, if they're having a hard time, you can't just. Push through it.

Sometimes there's it takes time to work through different things based on whatever their situation is. And so it takes time. It takes time to get through those things.

So I would say I've learned to be flexible. And I think also there's a greater capacity to love people And also a greater capacity to do more in my day based on things I've learned. You know, you learn, you can't get it all done in one day.

So if you take the capacity you have for today and you make the best of it that you can, there's a lot. There's a lot to learn. Yeah.

And we're all in the process of learning, right? Absolutely. Yeah.

Did anyone ever say anything unkind or discouraging through the years? And if so, how did you respond to that?

Well, I'll take Joe and I each have something to share. I would say most of the time people would say things. Probably they want to help, but it's not very helpful. They'll say things like: if you just did this. If you just did that, this would work.

Or especially if they say, if you just would discipline this child in a certain way. But you know what? If your child doesn't understand what you're saying, or they're not capable of letting it get through their brain so that they can understand it and then express something, it's very difficult. And so. I've often said if I could just have that person Take Joey home for a week, and like you go ahead, go ahead and take him home for a week.

And when you bring him back, whatever you did, I'll be happy to put that into practice, just like we did with all those things that the teachers helped us with. And no, I haven't ever said it, but believe me, it's right there, right there, ready to say it. But Joe has a funny story, too, just a little bit more medically speaking. Yeah, at one conference, we were speaking at, I forget what city we were in, but it would happen to be one of those times when we actually brought Joey with us. And at the end of the conference, this guy comes up to me and he said, I can heal your son.

I said, well, you have you have my attention at this point. And so, you know, I said, we'll be down, we'll be upstairs in our room. And why don't you come up to our room and you can go ahead and Begin to take care of my son. And so he came up there and he started pushing on Joey, shoving him, pulling down here. He was doing all kinds of different things that he thought was going to help give him a diagnosis.

Yeah.

And he says, well, I got the problem figured out. And I said, oh, really?

Well, please tell me what it is. He says, you have to take out all of Joey's silver fillings. And I said, really? I said, well, Joey doesn't have any feelings in his mouth. He said, Oh, yeah.

No, I said, No, he doesn't. I'm his dentist. He doesn't have any feelings in his mouth. He picked up his books and walked out of the room that part of it. And I could just add, you know, some people do, they do say things that do help.

So I would say to people who. are giving advice. And as a as a parent, I would say listen to what people are saying, because sometimes something they say may help you and may be of of advantage to you. And I think that's helpful. And if it doesn't work, it's okay.

Then you just move on. And I used to do that even, you know, I loved my mother-in-law, but every so often she would tell me something and I would say, this is what your mom said, Joe. And I said, we're going to just try it and we'll see. And then we just, if it didn't work, we just moved on. You know, this is our life and our situation.

But maybe she has something or they have something that will be beneficial.

So you don't have to just throw everything out the window, but it's helpful to take all things into consideration. And she did say, Cindy, that was really pretty profound, was the tree thing. Yes, she did. I think that was probably the most profound impact on your life. Yes, she did say to me, and it was true, and I never denied it.

She said, Cindy, the Lord gave you the personality and the being of being an oak. But he's going to make you a willow. Mm. And it's true. And he did.

I'm still working on it. I'm not perfected, but I'm more of a willow now than I ever was.

Well, I think even those of us who don't have special needs children recognize that serving a child in this way can be exhausting physically, emotionally, and so forth. Can a parent experience a vibrant and thriving life in the middle of their service to a special needs child? Yes, I think so. But it's going to take work. You know, we all recognize that.

Because things change every day, all the time, it's going to look different every day. And so there is that need for planning and flexibility. It's going to take effort and it's going to take work. I would say, And this probably isn't real encouraging, but it is the truth. It's that we still don't sleep through the night.

Joey still gets up sometimes two, three, four times a night. And he is mobile, so he does come into our room. And so, some of those kinds of things are exhausting. How do you learn to live with that? You know, and it's one of those things where.

Together, you have to have a conversation and decide how they're going to look. You may say, You know, Cindy, you can sleep in on Saturday, and then Joe says, and I'll get the next Saturday to sleep in, to where you're really working as a team together. It's going to look different in every family, but you have to start to look for those ways that really allow for your life to be vibrant and thriving. And I will say, over all these years, we've had many ministries here in Cleveland and nationally that we've been involved in. And it really is because we've worked together side by side.

When Joe needs a time to plan or do something, I'm on the home front, and vice versa. Yeah.

And the thing that people don't see is just what Cindy was talking about. You know, Joey will get up literally 1:30, 3:30, 5 o'clock. And when he walks in, he walks in with his baseball cap on, kind of crooked on his head, and he has put his coat on and he has his shoes, which are untied because he doesn't know how to tie his shoes. But that's how he walks in at 1:30 in the morning to us. Because he's ready to go.

I don't know where he thinks he's going, but it's 1:30 and he's ready to get going. But that's part of the situation, too. He doesn't understand time, so he doesn't understand that it's not time to get up yet.

So it can be a long, a long night sometimes. We mentioned this earlier, the need for people to come alongside and help. How how does a couple find and welcome family members, friends, professionals? How do you make that happen and get the help you need?

Well, because Joe was outside of the home working as a dentist, he was. Not home to be able to make a lot of those kinds of connections.

So I was a teacher for five years, and after I had Joey, I desired to be home even before we knew that Joey was going to need the kinds of care that he needed. And so I was just really thankful that I was able to be the person to do the things that we needed to do. And in fact, what you just said is what I did. Little by little, I gained support along the way, whether it was through. Our county that has a waiver program, and they allow people like us to get help.

so many hours a month and uh We know some people on that list who provide care, so we were very happy that we knew the people that we could call upon. I know for my own personality, there would not just be, oh, pick a name and have that person come over. That would not happen here. I would have to know very well who that person was and be confident because Joey doesn't talk well enough or could not express if anything happened that maybe was. Not good in some way.

So, all along the way, I did develop sort of a team around us, a family and friends. You know, I do know some people who have children who are medically fragile, and they have a team around them as well. But, in fact, one family we have have two girls, they're grown-up young ladies now, 24-hour, 100% care in every single way. And they have a staff, a revolving staff at their house from seven in the morning until eight at night. And if they go on a trip, they have to have a nurse with them because their children are medically fragile.

And so, it becomes almost in some cases, not so much in ours, but in the one I just described, where it's almost like a business. Like, you have to, you have to hire people, fire people, bring people in, tell them when they're not doing a good enough job. It's pretty taxing.

Now, ours was not what I just described, but we still had a team of people that were just so helpful to Joey. This is such an important topic because one of the primary issues that we hear from, especially needs parents, is that, you know, they they isolate themselves and and they don't engage in in community in any way. And so for us personally, I mean, discipleship is our primary ministry that we have is one of discipling and and mentoring and and so I'm a big proponent of what I call the constellation of mentors. Where we are very intentionally, purposely identifying who are the people in our lives that are our upward mentors and who are our downward mentors and who are our peer mentors. And that's, of course, a revolving door.

That is very dynamic, it changes with time. But I think it's really important that we're very purposeful about trying to create this constellation of mentors because those mentors, those people in your lives, they become like a shield of protection for you. Because there will be times of frustration and hurt and pain. And who are you going to call on?

Well, you h you there's just a small group of people that you can call on to bounce some you know your needs off of them.

So that's I think is important that we are intentional about creating that constellation. Are there times that you continue to get positive words from people who observe what you're doing with your special needs child and they just they just want to say things positively to you? Yeah, well, that's a great question because we recently had some really dear friends of ours who just said to us, you know, you guys, you make it look so easy. Raising a special needs child. And we just look at each other and laugh because you have no idea what we just did an hour ago to get here today.

We're smiling now, but we weren't then. That is true. And we've heard that along the way. But you know what? A lot of people really don't want to hear a lot of what goes on because it is difficult.

And sometimes people think that if you, if they enter into this. challenge they they might Sort of get sucked in and be a part of it. But I'll tell you why we make it look so easy. And that is because we love our son and we'll do anything that we can to do the best for him, make his life the best for him. And we often do say, like, man, Joey, you've got it made.

Do you know you've got it made? You know? But, but here's the long term for those people who are on the beginning of this journey. You know, we have two daughters that are truly lovely young ladies, and they Have their own children now. They still help.

Care for Joey. We've never put the responsibility upon them, though they have said they will take Joey when we're gone. But one of the things they recently said was the reason that we worked so well together as a team, all of our family, is because none of us always got our own way. And that is true.

Sometimes one would get their way, and if Joey was having an issue, maybe Joe would take somebody to practice for their voice or for their violin or something, and I'd be here at home or we'd switch it out. We always worked. To divide and conquer. And when our daughters said what they said, I've come to realize that it's It's not like we raised this great family. And aren't we so wonderful?

What it is, is that Joey came into our family to smooth off the rough edges and maybe hack off a few too. And he's really given us a way to look at life and to raise our daughters and for our daughters to see how we took care of him and cared about him. That We did it as unto the Lord. May that be the reason that the girls turned out the way they did, and that we've had the team effort that we've had in our home. It's not perfection, but that's our desire to work as a team.

As Joe says, together each accomplishes more. And that's our desire. Yeah.

Absolutely. As we come to the end of our time, let me just ask this closing question. What are the top one or two pieces of advice that you would give to a parent who is taking care of a special needs child?

Well, I would say probably every interview that we do, I come up with two different things or three different things. But so this is a new one, but I love this one.

So I would definitely say, have a prayer team. Have a prayer team of people who are praying for you for what you do with your child, your life, your home, other ministries you might be involved in. And so I love this story. This is many years ago, but my friend and I, we would call each other in the morning after the kids got off on the bus and we would just pray. There was no conversation.

We would just pray. And we did that. But that day, I forget if maybe we had like a day off or something, but Joey. Was having a day. And so I picked up the phone, I called my prayer partner, and her name happens to be Cindy.

I go, Cindy, would you pray for me? And she goes, Absolutely. She goes, What's going on? I kind of told her how the day was going. And I said, You know what?

I kind of feel like I just want to throw them out the window. And, you know, you've got to have somebody who really knows your heart when you're going to say something like that, right? And she goes, she goes, well. She paused and she said, would that be the first story or second story window?

So, you know what? Here you have this woman. She knows me. She knows I love Joey. She knows I'm frustrated, but she entered into a little humor.

She knew I'm not going to throw him out the window, but she understood the moment and it broke the ice. We laughed and I said, you know, it won't be either one of those, but we just stopped, we prayed, and the day got better. And as Joe always has said to me, sometimes you have to just get through this day and say, let's just see what tomorrow brings and see how we do. And tomorrow always looks better than the moment you might be having today. Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's just great wisdom there from Cindy. And I would just echo exactly what she just said. As well. You know, I'm so thankful that Cindy has some gals in her life that. She can just pick up the phone and talk to you and And I'm thankful for those people that she can talk to because I know that that's a way to minister to Cindy, is to be able to allow her to share her feelings and to pray.

And I would add one more: don't let the beauty. Of what you have in front of you escape you because there's a lot of silver linings that you sometimes have to look for. And along with having good prayer partners and things like that, people who have mentored me, I have many women in my life younger than me that I've mentored, and I'm so delighted that they would. Allow for an older person to enter into their life and be a praying partner and a caring partner. And I think there's a lot of beauty in looking around our.

our challenges and don't try to just escape it because There's beauty in what you have right in front of you. Yeah.

Well, Joe and Cindy, I want to thank you for being with us today and thank you for writing this book. And the fact that it grows out of your own experience, I think it makes it so helpful to couples, so practical. And I hope that those who are listening, not only those who have special needs children, will be sure to get this book. But if you have friends who have a special needs child, get one of these books and give it to them, you know. And maybe they already have one, okay?

Well, maybe they do. But the fact that you took the initiative to do that communicates to them, listen, I care, I think about you all, and I pray for you all. And I thought this might be helpful.

So again, thanks for being with us. Thanks for what you've done through the years and for the way you've allowed God to use you, not only with Joey, but also ministering to other people. Thank you so much for the time you've given us to share today. Thank you so much. And if you want to find out more about this excellent resource by Dr.

Joe and Cindy Farini, go to buildingrelationships.us. The book is titled The Special Needs Parent: A Guide to the Life You Never Expected. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, what does it mean today to be a man? Seth Trout talks about authentic masculinity in one week.

A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.