Caregivers Often Decide For The Whole Unit Not Just One Person

This is Peter Rosenberger and one of the reasons I wrote my new book A Minute for Caregivers is because I remember the sinking, despairing feeling of struggling as a caregiver. No one knew what to say to me. I didn't understand and others didn't understand me.

For decades I foraged along and tried to find my path through this medical nightmare that Gracie and I have endured for nearly 40 years. And I've learned to speak the language of caregivers. I speak fluent caregiver. No pastor, no counselor, no medical provider, no friend should ever throw their hands up and say I don't know what to say to that caregiver.

Because I do. Give them a copy. This book is called A Minute for Caregivers when every day feels like Monday. They're easy to read, one minute chapters that speak directly to the heart of a caregiver and you can get them wherever books are sold. A Minute for Caregivers when every day feels like Monday. Friends don't let friends caregiver alone. Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. Family caregivers make up 65 million people in this country. 65 million, that's a fifth of the population.

I know, I said there would be no math on this particular program. If you love somebody, you're going to be a caregiver. If you live long enough, you're going to need one. If you are such a person, you're in the right place and I'm glad to have you with us. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

Hopeforthecaregiver.com. I've been trying to do a kind of a quote for the day and I wanted to give you, well this is from my book, A Minute for Caregivers when every day feels like Monday. And I wrote this line, thought this might be meaningful to some of you all. As caregivers, we often must make decisions that benefit the whole unit, not just one person. We get in the trap as caregivers where we're thinking of someone almost to the exclusion of everyone else. And I understand why, because that person has extreme needs. But as a caregiver, you are meeting one of those extreme needs. And if you don't think about the person meeting the needs of the person in need, then you run the risk of compromising the entire ecosystem of that individual. So sometimes you got to make a decision for the whole unit.

What's best for the unit? And sometimes we have to make those decisions unilaterally. So one person is tasked with making the decision for the whole unit. That doesn't sound like much fun. And I get that. It's not. But that's the job.

If you feel that you are operating out of guilt or fear or any of those things, what kind of decisions are you going to make? See, that's the whole point of this program. I'm not here to give caregiving tips. We'll have them. I mean, you can't help but have them. We're going to talk about it. We'll swerve into all kinds of things, whether it's handicap accessible features or taking up the throw rugs or how to deal with an insurance company, how to deal with doctors. We'll cover all that. I got that.

Okay. But how many of us make good decisions when we are gripped with fear, when we're gripped with guilt or we're gripped with obligation? And how long do you think you can make decisions? If you feel obligated to do this, you feel trapped to do this, you feel like this is what you're supposed to do, how long before that turns into full-blown resentment?

How many of you are already there? That you're struggling with this right now and you just feel resentful. And I took a temperature of our Facebook group the other day, just one word, describe how you feel. And you see the dynamics of what people are dealing with. They're afraid, they're worn out, they're mad, they're exhausted, depressed. It's all over the map. How many good decisions are made with those kinds of feelings?

Well, I would suggest to you that not many. So what do we got to do? Well, we got to back away from the cliff. We got to get to a place where we are calming ourselves down. We're speaking to our own spirit to settle ourselves down. And then we have to have an anchor point that helps us make good decisions in spite of what we're feeling, in spite of sometimes what we're seeing with our very eyes. What I mean by that is many of us have to look at suffering and we cannot allow that suffering to dictate good decision-making. We have to think clearly.

We have to detach from that somewhat. They're depending on us to do it. I mean, think about when you're in a situation, when you're hurting, how many good decisions do you make when you've sprained your ankle or broken your leg or fallen and got yourself cut or whatever. You're kind of in almost in panic mode sometimes when you get to that level of trauma.

How many good decisions are you making? Well, that's the same point that our loved ones have to deal with that they count on us to do it. But if we are so...

Paralyzed is a good word, but it's not just paralyzed. If we're so encumbered by all these other things, whether it be fear, obligation to guilt, resentment, terror, any of those things, what are you going to do? Somebody has got to step back away from that and have a clear head. And if you don't do it as a caregiver for your loved one, who is in line behind you to do it? So that's our reality.

Somebody has got to keep a cool head. Now, that's hard to do. And I would suggest to you that you can't do it on your own.

You're going to need help to do this. And that's why this program is anchored in what the scriptures say. What does God say? Now, I promise you, I've looked.

There's no place in scripture where I have found any type of clear instructions on how to deal as a husband caring for his wife for somebody with 86 surgeries, both legs amputated and going on for 40 years. I've looked. It ain't in there. Okay?

Not there. But there are a lot of scriptures that talk about fear, feeling weary, guilt, anxiety, sorrow, depression, loneliness. All of those things are covered. And if God has this in his scriptures, in his word to us, people always say, well, I need to know what God's will for my life is. He's already said it. And within the confines of his decreed word that we have, we are free to use the mind that he gave us. You know, some people overthink this. Well, what kind of job does God want me to have?

What kind of job do you want? Does it line up with the values and the directives that he has in scripture? I mean, do you think God is going to want you to be a drug dealer? No. Well, okay. Cross that off the list.

And I understand that's an absurd example, but sometimes you make your point with absurdity. We don't have to overthink this. And I'll never forget a dear pastor friend of ours. When Gracie and I were looking at a decision to have a pain pump put in her that was attached to her dura. And it worked for a while that it just went horribly wrong, but that's a longer story. But at the time we were trying to figure out, do we make this decision? And our pastor looked at her and says, there's no sin involved in this decision. You've done your due diligence.

You've sat down and talked about this with the professionals, your doctor and so forth. There's no sin involved in this. This is not a moral equation here. We're within the confines of scripture. We're not violating any of God's precepts.

And I would suggest the same applies across the board for all of us as caregivers. When we're making decisions, as long as we understand the parameters of what God says, and we use that to guide us in our decision making. Being good stewards of money, being kind and considerate, thoughtful, committing it to prayer, all of these things involved as you make this decision that you may have to make unilaterally for the betterment of the unit. Understand this, you may be making that decision, but if you are standing on the principles of God's word, you're not making that decision in a vacuum. You're not leaning on your own understanding. You are acknowledging Him in all your ways, and He will direct your paths. Now the question is, for us as caregivers, do we believe that or not?

Is that something that is going to be anchored in our soul or not? And I ask you, my fellow caregivers, would you be willing to do that with your decision making? When we do that, that is hope for the caregiver, that conviction that we can live a calmer, healthier, and dare I say it, a more joyful life, even while serving as a caregiver, even while making hard decisions. Okay.

We'll talk about that some more, but sometimes we have to make the decisions unilaterally on what's best for the unit. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver. We'll be right back. Peter Rosenberger.

He's Irish on his mother's side. You've heard me talk about Standing with Hope over the years. This is the prosthetic limb ministry that Gracie envisioned after losing both of her legs. Part of that outreach is our prosthetic limb recycling program. Did you know that prosthetic limbs can be recycled?

No kidding. There is a correctional facility in Arizona that helps us recycle prosthetic limbs, and this facility is run by a group out of Nashville called CoreCivic. We met them over 11 years ago, and they stepped in to help us with this recycling program of taking prostheses and you disassemble them. You take the knee, the foot, the pylon, the tube clamps, the adapters, the screws, the liners, the prosthetic socks, all these things we can reuse, and inmates help us do it. Before CoreCivic came along, I was sitting on the floor at our house or out in the garage when we lived in Nashville, and I had tools everywhere, limbs everywhere, and feet, boxes of them, and so forth.

I was doing all this myself, and I'd make the kids help me, and it got to be too much for me. I was very grateful that CoreCivic stepped up and said, look, we are always looking for faith-based programs that are interesting and that give inmates a sense of satisfaction. We'd love to be a part of this, and that's what they're doing. You can see more about that at standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Please help us get the word out that we do recycle prosthetic limbs. We do arms as well, but the majority of amputations are lower limb, and that's where the focus of Standing With Hope is. That's where Gracie's life is with her lower limb prostheses. She's used some of her own limbs in this outreach that she's recycled. She's been an amputee for over 30 years. You go through a lot of legs and parts and other types of materials, and you can reuse prosthetic socks and liners if they're in good shape. All of this helps give the gift that keeps on walking, and it goes to this prison in Arizona where it's such an extraordinary ministry.

Think with it. Inmates volunteering for this. They want to do it, and they've had amazing times with it, and I've had very moving conversation with the inmates that work in this program. You can see, again, all of that at standingwithhope.com slash recycle. They're putting together a big shipment right now for us to ship over. We do this pretty regularly throughout the year as inventory rises, and they need it badly in Ghana, so please go out to standingwithhope.com slash recycle and get the word out and help us do more. If you want to offset some of the shipping, you can always go to the giving page and be a part of what we're doing there. We're purchasing material in Ghana that they have to use that can't be recycled. We're shipping over stuff that can be, and we're doing all of this to lift others up and to point them to Christ, and that's the whole purpose of everything that we do, and that is why Gracie and I continue to be standing with hope. standingwithhope.com.