Before You See A Counselor ...

What do you say to a caregiver?

How do you help a caregiver? I was talking to this billing agent at the doctor's office and said, how are you feeling? And she said, oh great It's Friday. And before I could catch myself, I said Friday means nothing to me. Every day is Monday. And I felt kind of ashamed of that and I'm sorry for that, but I realized that whole principle of every day is Monday. What that means for us as caregivers, we know that this is going to be a challenging day. And I wrote these one-minute chapters.

You literally could read them in one minute. And I'm really proud of this book. It's called A Minute for Caregivers, when every day feels like Monday. It's filled with bedrock principles that we as caregivers can lean on, that we can depend upon to get us to safety, where we can catch our breath, take a knee if we have to, and reorient our thinking and the weight that we carry on our shoulders. If you don't know what to say to a caregiver, don't worry about it.

I do. Give them this book. Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver, here on American Family Radio.

I am Peter Rosenberg. I will be your tour guide for all things caregiver related. I speak fluent caregiver. And on this program, we are focused on the family caregiver, those who are willingly, knowingly, voluntarily, usually without pay, and they put themselves between a chronically impaired loved one and even worse disaster. How do you help such a person?

What does that look like? That's what this program is all about. Last week, we spent an entire program talking about guilt, because guilt really consumes a family caregiver. I'm going to take a little bit of a break from that today.

We're going to try to hit the lighter side of caregiving. I do want to tell you a couple of things, though. Some of you hear me often repeat that it's okay to seek out a counselor.

In fact, I recommend it. There are a lot of good counselors out there who can help you walk through this journey. But what does a good counselor look like?

How do you pick a good one? Gracie and I have been raised by a pack of therapists. You know, people ask, people have asked us, have y'all ever had counseling?

I said, are you kidding me? We have a trail of broken counselors in our wake. We've had some that I know of two that got divorced.

I'm not kidding. I'm not laughing at the divorce. I'm just, I know two that got divorced. I think at least two left the industry. I'm pretty sure there was one priest who left the clergy and I think maybe one or two turned to drugs and alcohol.

There may be one in an insane asylum somewhere. We're hard on counselors. And we've been through a lot of them. We've seen a lot of them.

And they have, they all have a different approach. Maybe you could use a few tips on what to pick out of a counselor. Some people say, well, I'm only going to go see a Christian counselor.

Well, that's fine. And I don't discourage that at all. I think that it's important for us to see believers who bring a biblical worldview to our circumstances. But there may be some who bring certain insights into your circumstance that will be very helpful. Then they may not agree with you lockstep theologically.

And I would try to avoid holding up a litmus test on that. Because right now you're in the problem-solving phase of dealing with the myriad of issues that go on in the caregiver's heart. And I think the first thing you want to do This, I'm not trying to give you advice.

I'm just talking about from my own experience. But I think based on what I've learned it would seem helpful that the first thing is what do you want to accomplish here? If you go see a counselor, if you pick up the phone, you're going to put down your hard-earned money with this individual. What are you hoping to get out of that transaction? Okay, if I go plop down $200, I want to see something. I want to have something. I want to have a clear plan of what's going to happen.

So I would spend some time writing down some clear goals, some measurables, if you will. Because you can get into a situation with counselors where they'll just sit there and listen to you for 45 minutes, write down a few things, maybe have a little bit of engagement with you, and then take your check and then you go. Is that what you want? Do you want a place just to emote?

Or somebody to listen to you talk about your feelings? And I think that's important. But look at what you're paying for that.

And what are you going to get out of that? If you just want a place to emote, there are far more affordable places to do that. Okay, there are support groups out there.

There are 12-step recovery groups out there for family members of addicts and alcoholics. That would be a very good place to go. Just to be able to say what you want to say and have people listen to you.

And that doesn't cost anything. But if you're going to go to a therapist with some level of training, have some clear goals. What kind of therapists are out there?

Well, you have different kinds. You have psychiatrists, for example. A psychiatrist is an MD, a medical doctor. They are physicians who are trained to evaluate if the patient's behavioral mental health issues are related to physical conditions. And psychiatrists usually have a pretty significant training in bio-psycho-social stuff that goes on in the human body.

They bring a lot of horsepower to the conversation and they often work with a team of different types of discipline. But they can be pretty expensive. If you're going to them for counseling, they can be pretty expensive.

Just be aware of that. And then you have the psychologist. Unlike the psychiatrist, the psychologists don't usually prescribe medication unless they have some type of license to do so. That comes from additional training to their field.

They do a lot of testing. They have all those types of resources available to them to observe and to test and to connect dots in that regards counseling. And they can work in all kinds of different fields.

You could have a psychologist assigned to a sports team or you know, there's all kinds of different ways to do that. They tend to be a little bit on the pricey side as well. And then you have groups like licensed clinical social worker. I'm a big fan of those individuals. I think they're kind of the workhorse of the counseling industry, the mental health profession. My brother is one and I have a great deal of respect for the work they do. They tend to be a little bit more affordable and they're very practical folks.

And I think that it's a good fit many times for people like you and me who are feeling overwhelmed and could use some practical help that's not going to break the bank. Then you have all kinds of marriage and family therapists. You've got different kinds of counselors.

They've got all kinds of shingles that they put out. You have pastoral counseling. Pastoral counseling is good for very short-term help, but they're not trained for any type of long-term issues. It's just basically to sit down some spiritual care and then they can point you to someplace else. And also how many pastors are trained in this? There are many preachers, but not necessarily many preachers who have any kind of training in the complexities of family counseling. So it's good to have some spiritual direction on that, but understand that that is a very short-term path. Okay, and then you have different kinds of folks who are skilled at different things.

Please check them out. The important thing for you and me is that we do our homework before we go to somebody and plop down money that is hard to come by. What are we getting out of this?

What's coming back our way? I was talking to a friend of mine who went and saw a counselor and after 45 minutes said, well, that'll be $200 and oh, by the way, I need to tell you I don't normally see women. She was really a dignitous. Well, why did you set the appointment?

He said, well, you sounded like an interesting person. So she paid $200 to satisfy this guy's curiosity. I wouldn't have paid, but that's just me. Because now she's got to go start that process over with someone else. This was some years ago, but the point is, is there are people out there who will take your money. So before you write that check, before you swipe that card, make sure that you know exactly who this person is and what you hope to get out of this and have some very clear defined goals. There are people out there who call themselves a counselor. There are people out there who call themselves, you know, a life coach or whatever.

I don't know that they're going to be prepared to deal with what you're dealing with as a caregiver. All right? And I can tell you I've been to a lot of people who looked at me and they just kind of held their hands up. They didn't know what to say or what to do. Well, then why am I here talking to you? That kind of thing.

Why am I spending time? And I go back at the beginning of my book, I talk about a counselor I met with while I was trying to check myself into a mental institution. They wouldn't take me. They gave me a tuna sandwich.

Read the book. It's a true story. And the counselor was very gracious. I mean, he didn't charge me anything for it.

They just looked at me again with a little bit of curiosity like that other guy did. Well, you know, who is this nut? And I said, that's exactly right. I'm a nut. You should check me in. You should let me have a break here. You should let me stay here for the rest of my life. Or for the night. At least I could have a, you know, and no, they wouldn't do that.

But they didn't give me a tuna sandwich. And as I was leaving, the counselor said, look, I'd recommend a book for you to read, but you're the guy to write it. Well, I appreciate the candor that she didn't even know of an author that was qualified to speak to me in my challenges.

And I went ahead and just wrote the book myself. But as a caregiver, I can tell you that the learning curve is pretty steep. There are some people that would love to take your money, but they don't have the goods to be able to deliver into your situation. Ronald Reagan said it best, trust but verify.

So do your homework. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. We'll talk more when we come back. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger.

This is the program for you as a family caregiver. You know, it has come to my attention that some of you think that that's not a true story, that I was trying to check myself into a mental institution and they wouldn't take me. And if you read the intro to my book, you'll see that's what I lead off with, is that story. And yeah, it's a little embarrassing, but what do I care?

You know, it's, I tell you what, I'll give you the, you know, the brief summary of this thing. I wrote it better than I could tell it, but I was just overwhelmed. I was, I was, I wasn't getting any sleep.

I had had a recent surgery that went kind of awry and nobody knew how to take care of me. I couldn't rest. And I just, I was felt like I was losing my mind. And so I went over there to see if they would let me, you know, stay for a couple of nights, treat me for exhaustion.

Well, they don't do that. That's kind of the Hollywood in the 1940s to treat people for exhaustion. And I was hoping I could just, you know, get a quiet place to stay. And they took me into this room. They took my wallet, took my keys, took my blood pressure, and took me to this room that looked like, you know, an interrogation room from early law and order.

And it was just pretty dilapidated. And this counselor came in today and said, how are you doing? What's going on? What's brought you here? And I just kind of let it all out. I mean, I just kind of just, you ever just verbally vomit? Well, I did. And after I purged the recesses of my soul, I was admittedly a bit curious on what happens next when you tell a counselor inside a mental health facility that you think you're crazy.

You know, I mean, I got to admit a bit of curiosity about that. And the counselor looked at me and said, look, we can't keep you here. And I said, well, why not?

I want you to picture this. I'm arguing with a counselor who will not admit me to a mental health hospital. And I really wanted to go there. I said, I'm exhausted.

Just come on. You know, and she said, well, you're not crazy. And I said, well, then you're going to have to put that in writing.

Okay, because there's some people that really want to see that. And she started laughing. And I was just like throwing my hands up. She said, look, I can recommend some counselors for you to go see. And she wrote a few names down. And then she said, we've been giving out box lunches all day long. We've got one left. It's tuna fish.

You want one? And I told you all this. I believe I've never turned down a tuna fish sandwich in my life.

Don't plan on doing so ever. In fact, I may just go make some tuna today. So I took my little box lunch. And as I was leaving, that's what she said. I'd recommend a book for you to read, but you're the guy to write it. And that's what launched this whole thing for me of what am I going to say to a caregiver? What am I going to say to myself? So when I say that I speak fluent caregiver, that's an accurate statement I do. And I started thinking, OK, what do we need as caregivers? What are we looking for?

So when I say to you, before you go get counseling, before you put down your hard-earned money, or before you subject yourself to someone who may not have the skills to be able to speak into your situation, write down some clear goals. And I would, this is a bit self-serving and I don't mean it to be, but there's the reason I wrote the book. I'd read my book. It's called A Minute for Caregivers.

Read the book. And that may save you a couple hundred bucks. Because you may find things in there that are going to settle your heart down so that you can think a bit clearer. Because that's at the crux of what we need as caregivers, is we need a calmer heart. We can usually problem solve if we're not spread so thin or so frazzled or so torqued by resentment or whatever. If we could just detach just to here, we could catch our breath a little bit and think through this. And if we've got somebody else who's been there who could maybe give some insight to this, we could get through it.

I'm not dismissing the need for qualified counselors because I think they're very important and I highly recommend them. But before you spend that money, just do an inventory of what's going on with you. What does it say? HALT. H-A-L-T. Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? HALT.

Well then stop. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? And as a caregiver, I can promise you we're going to be three out of four of those on any given day.

And we're going to be four of them often. So get something to eat. Get a bowl of soup or something.

Just something simple. Sit down for a moment. Catch your breath. If you're lonely, call someone. If you're tired, sit down.

Be still. Now sleep is not necessarily rest. You can sleep without resting. Resting is a state of being in your heart.

Can you be at rest even while you're serving as a caregiver? I would say to you that you can. It takes work. It takes practice.

Do it all the time. Resting is when I cease striving. When I place my confidence that God is sovereign in this.

That He's got this. It's not mine to fix. I'm a steward. I'm not responsible to figure out all these things. And I don't have to live five years out in the future.

We've talked about this on this program. I don't have a five year business plan. I can't do it. I have five year goals and hopes of what it will be. But I cannot enact a business plan.

I can't do a five month business plan at times. I marvel at people who do that. But I can't. Because I never really know what's going to happen five days from now.

With any kind of reasonable projection. I can't. And I'll bet most of you can't either. But see there are a couple of lies that we believe as caregivers. And before you go spend money with a counselor, let's talk about some of those lies. One of those lies is that we can feel better if our loved one stops filling the blank. If you have someone that's acting out, then as soon as they stop acting out, your life is going to get better.

That's a lie. Your life can be better regardless of someone else's behavior. You don't have to wake up every day and ask someone else, what kind of day am I going to have?

I can be as calm and as joyful as scripture tells me I can be. Regardless of what's going on. So I don't have to say, OK, we're going to get this surgery with Gracie and then we'll be OK. No. That's not the way it works. If I'm looking to circumstances to make me feel better, I will never be better. So I'm asking you to consider the kind of lies that we somehow buy into. One of those lies is that we can improve if our loved one gets better or acts better. Well, that's a lie. The other one is that we are responsible for this.

That's not accurate. We are stewards. We didn't do this. We can't undo it. We don't have that kind of power. We're stewards.

We don't own this. So that's a lie. And that lie gets us into a lot of trouble because we feel this sense of obligation and it causes us a lot of stress.

So I'm unpacking this for you now. So when you go see a counselor, you don't have to stumble around this and pay X amount of dollars to figure out these basic tenets right here. Number one, you could be calmer and healthier no matter what's going on with your loved one. Number two, you are not responsible for this. You are a steward not an owner. The implications of that statement alone will speak volumes to your spirit. Now think about it in my terms.

I didn't do this to Gracie and I can't undo it. I do not have that kind of power. I don't have that kind of authority. I don't have those kinds of skills. So what is my role? I'm a steward.

I'm here to care for her to the best of my abilities. But I didn't do this and I can't undo it. And Gracie is an amputee. Must I be? No. That's how ludicrous it is. We think if our loved one's miserable, our loved one is hurting, our loved one is suffering, then therefore we're going to be torqued up. No.

That's not the way it works. I serve her better if I'm calmer. I serve her better if I'm healthier. If I let myself get up to 350 pounds, you know, how's that going to help her?

Okay? So these are things that we buy into as caregivers that cause us an enormous amount of stress and then we go to a counselor to kind of detangle it, spend a fortune, and they don't have the vocabulary. They don't know how to speak to this like I do. It's like we're having this conversation right now. So I'm saving you hundreds of dollars. Make those checks payable. No, I'm just kidding.

That's why I do the program. The third thing, the third lie we buy into is that somehow God is punishing us or God has abandoned us or God is not in this or God is mad at us or whatever. Just bad theology. Do you know how much stress comes to us because of bad theology?

That we're somehow getting ourselves twisted up in spiritual knots trying to figure out what God says. People say, well, why is this happening? Well, in our case it's happening because Gracie had a car wreck and I'm her caregiver because I fell in love with her and I married her. That's not the right question. Why is this happening? We know why it's happening. The question is why is God continuing to allow it?

That's a much different kind of question. And in order to do that, then you're going to have to spend some time with God. And you're going to have to see that he has purpose in this and that there are some people that are called to suffering that he's not going to intervene in and take away. But it's for his glory and he's going to make this right.

He's going to redeem it. These are all his promises. And if you believe any of scripture, then that's part of it. And we trust him.

Why do we trust him? Because of the cross. So you see how this all starts playing into or speaking to our spirit to calm ourselves down. And then we see scriptures like my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches and glory through Christ Jesus.

Well, that means a lot when you're dealing with a 40 year medical crisis. We've got a lot of needs. But here we are. We don't have everything we want. We've got everything we need.

Because he said he would provide all our needs. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Well, guess what? The valley of the shadow of death has been a pretty long valley for us.

And he's been with us the whole time. Do you see how settling that is to your spirit? I didn't know that when I was trying to check myself into a mental hospital. I mean, I knew it in my head. I didn't know in my heart.

I didn't anchor myself in it. And so that's why I wrote the book. That's why I do the program.

Because I have tested these things. And yes, I get discouraged. I get frustrated. I get angry. I get all of the above.

But I remind myself of these great truths. So when I go see a counselor, and I am all for seeing him, I want to go with, okay, here's the acute problem I have right now that's pressing that I cannot solve or I am unclear about. And I would welcome your assistance in helping me address this. We'll get to these other issues maybe down the road. But before I start having this blank check I'm writing out with unlimited funds going out, I want to make sure I'm very clear. Why am I there?

And what am I looking for from that person? This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver.

We'll be right back. I'm Gracie Rosenberger, and I'm the wife of Peter Rosenberger. He's a great caregiver. He's been mine for years. He's only dropped me a couple of times, but he really makes me laugh in the emergency room. And I can guarantee you he'll put a smile on your face. What do you say to a caregiver?

How do you help a caregiver? I was talking to this billing agent at the doctor's office, and I said, how are you feeling? And she said, oh, great, it's Friday. And before I could catch myself, I said, Friday means nothing to me. Every day is Monday. And I felt kind of ashamed of that, and I'm sorry for that, but I realized that whole principle of every day is Monday. What that means for us as caregivers, we know that this is going to be a challenging day. And I wrote these one-minute chapters. You literally could read them in one minute.

And I'm really proud of this book. It's called A Minute for Caregivers, when every day feels like Monday. It's filled with bedrock principles that we as caregivers can lean on, that we can depend upon to get us to safety, where we can catch our breath, take a knee if we have to, and reorient our thinking and the weight that we carry on our shoulders. If you don't know what to say to a caregiver, don't worry about it. I do. Give them this book.