Harsh Judgment

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Let's bring the living water to the world. Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg and this is the program for you as a family caregiver. For those of you who are willingly, knowingly, voluntarily putting yourself between a vulnerable loved one and even worse disaster. And maybe you feel totally unprepared. Maybe you are totally unprepared. Maybe you're overwhelmed.

Maybe you're angry, resentful, guilty, whatever is going on. This is the program for you. You're in the right place because we get it here. And I'm bringing more than 35 years as a caregiver to talk about this issue to help fellow caregivers stay healthy and strong as they take care of someone who is not. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. If you want some more information, if you want to go out there and be a part of the program, you can send me a note from Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

There's a little form. It comes right to me and I'll be glad to engage with you on this, talk with you, call you from the program, whatever is on your heart. If you've got something you want us to talk about, we'll be glad to do it. Chances are we've already hit the main subjects of it, but if you want to go deeper with it, just ask.

You have not because you ask not. And that's why we're here. There's no other program like this for the family caregiver. We are the largest program in the world for those of you who are doing this. And if you're not a caregiver, you're going to get something out of what we're talking about. But this program is for the caregiver, the one who is pushing the wheelchair, the one who is up late at night doing laundry, doing the meals, taking care of things, taking care of showering, bathing, personal hygiene, all those kinds of things.

Doctors appointments, pharmaceuticals, dealing with somebody who has a mental illness and dealing with somebody who's an alcoholic or an addict, a child with special needs. There's so many issues out there that require a caregiver, and there's always a caregiver somewhere. Now, they may be estranged from them.

They may not be able to connect close up. And some of you know what I'm talking about. You've had to lay down some hard boundaries, but you're still there. And speaking of challenging circumstances, many of you probably heard the interview that I did several weeks ago with a couple who had adopted a little girl, she was just a baby, who developed Huntington's disease. And then she ended up getting pregnant and having a child that also developed Huntington's disease, but she was no longer able to.

Take care of the child because her disease had already progressed so significantly. And it was a nightmare for this family. But then they adopted their own granddaughter and took care of her. And the daughter has since passed away, but the granddaughter is still alive. And she's had to now be in institutionalized adult foster care because she became so violent.

And they were there. They're an older couple and they were unable to properly care for her. They're still with her every week. They spend time with her. But there was one moment in the conversation that I wanted to start off with this program.

And I'm going to go somewhere with this and just hang tight with me. As some of you may know in your caregiving journey, law enforcement can be a factor. And it certainly was in this couple's case. The daughter was stealing quite a bit. She was compulsively stealing and disrupting and causing all kinds of issues. Huntington's disease, go look it up. It is a horrible disease.

It's called HD. And they become very, very aggressive, violent sometimes. And this girl had to be restrained many times, taken out of the home in a straight jacket, the whole thing. And at one point, this couple found themselves before a judge who had no idea what this disease was doing to this individual. I mean, it has all the combination of Lou Gehrig's disease, of Parkinson's, of Alzheimer's, paranoid schizophrenia, the whole thing.

It is a horrible disease. And they're standing before this judge who had no clue about this disease. And the judge said, basically, and I'm paraphrasing, sounds like bad parenting, and castigated the parents.

And this judge, she had no clue. And as I talked to this couple, and you can go back and hear the interview on my podcast, hopeforthecaregiver.com. It's a free podcast. Go back and take a listen to it. Free podcast. Go back and take a listen to it.

The father is Dr. Higgs, and they're both PhDs. And he said, we had to take it. I mean, it's not like you could talk back to the judge, then you get fined for contempt and everything else. And they just had to take it. You ever felt that way, that you just had to take it?

A quick phone call, a quick search on the internet, and it would have helped this judge better understand what was going on in her own courtroom, that she evidently was clueless about. And the judge, sadly, chose to go with an uninformed decision, and a regretful lack of compassion. And I know that as you're listening to this, so many of you have been there, where people have judged you harshly. They have come at you with, you know, it sounds like you're doing this, but there's something wrong with you.

There has to be something wrong with you. And you're doing this wrong, or this wrong, or it's your fault, or whatever the case is, there's that harsh judgment that comes in. And you know what I'm talking about. We've all been there.

You do this for any length of time. And there's always a critic who is uninformed and without compassion. And then while the judge's comments, you know, break our hearts and are just grievous, I got to ask you, how many of us as caregivers put on that black robe as judge and make harsh and ill-informed pronouncements upon ourselves while looking in the mirror? How many of us pronounce that kind of judgment on our own souls? Countless caregivers spend way too much time condemning themselves, ourselves, for the out-of-control behavior of someone else. And I'd like for you to take just a moment, whatever you wish that judge had said to those parents who were just beyond the pale of weary and overwhelmed, they have been doing everything they knew to do, but whatever we wish that judge had said to those parents, how about we say the same thing to ourselves? Whatever we, you know, message of compassion and understanding that judge, we wish that she had said to those parents. How about we write it on a post-it note and put it on our own mirror? Would that be something that would be appropriate for you and me?

I think it would be. You know, I've got a post-it note on my office door from a hymn that I love. The hymn is called Praise You the Lord, the Almighty. You probably know that. If you don't, it's a great hymn.

Look it up. But there's one line in there, ponder anew what the Almighty can do. That's on a post-it note. I've had it for five plus years.

I've kept the same post-it note that's on my office door. Ponder anew what the Almighty can do. You see, we have a judge that doesn't look at us this way because of Christ, and he has mercy, and his mercy is new every morning.

What you're dealing with as a caregiver is beyond you. If you think it's not, you haven't done it long enough. If you think it's not, you haven't done it long enough.

It is beyond you, and it will take you into some very dark places. But see, the judge that we appeared before has compassion and has mercy because of Christ. He took all of that dysfunction so that we can go to him and receive mercy.

What post-it note are you putting on your door? Ponder anew what the Almighty can do. Abraham Lincoln once said, I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. We're going to talk about that more in the next segment. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. We'll be right back.