The Obligation Trap

I know, I know, I hear it John. I'm sliding in here at the last minute. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver.

It's not as easy to do this thing by remote as you would think it is. I am so glad that you're with us. This is the nation's number one program for you as a family caregiver. This is Hope for the Caregiver. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. If you're now just joining us for the first time, understand this, that there are more than 65 million Americans right now serving as a family caregiver. And we're so glad that you are with us if you're one of that 65 million strong. How do you help a family caregiver?

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And I want to jump right into a topic today that is affecting so many of us. It's the word obligation. And it's part of the fog of caregivers. Fear, obligation, and guilt.

And we all get lost in this. And here's how you know if you're in an obligation trap. You use words like I have to, I must, I should, I need to, I'm supposed to, I feel obligated. That's what all that means. And it could be taking care of your loved one, it could be having to dance around family members that are opinionated but not helpful.

How many of you all have that? Where you've got people that sit on the sidelines and don't lift a finger to do what you're doing, but they sure do want to tell you how to do what you're doing. And so you feel obligated to dance around that instead of risking a confrontation that may make it worse. Well, you don't have to be combative to confront.

And so I want to spend a little bit of time today on this program to talk about that word, obligation, and what can you do to retrain your mind. Now this is not going to come overnight. Please don't misunderstand here. You cannot change direction that fast. It's like turning an aircraft carrier.

My dad was in the Navy and he said it takes like 15 miles to turn an aircraft carrier 180 degrees. You know, it just doesn't happen on a dime. That's kind of where we are as caregivers. This is a massive undertaking that we have. Some circumstances are more challenging than others, but it's still a big, big journey. So give yourself a little bit of grace first that you're going to have a learning curve on this.

But you can change that word obligation to a word I use called stewardship. How do you get through a fog? You use a GPS. That's how Navy ship captains do it, airline pilots, so forth.

They use an external mechanism to help orient them in space and time. A GPS. Fear, obligation, guilt, that fog, GPS, grace, purpose, stewardship. Okay, stewardship.

Now what does stewardship mean? It's kind of an old fashioned word, isn't it? It's not a word we use a lot in our country, clearly, because we're 30 trillion dollars in debt. We are squandering the great resources of this country. Not only the potential of people, but the natural resources we have, the environment that we have, all these kinds of things. We have squandered it.

And we get some people that want to go all extreme in one way or the other. But if you go back to Genesis, the first job of Adam was to tend the garden. He was a steward. And that's in our DNA.

That was before the fall. That's in our DNA, to be stewards. We are caring for the property of someone else. We are caring for what belongs to someone else.

We're caring for who belongs to someone else. And I've had to wrap my mind around this on more than, more times than I can count. Because I used to think it was all up to me, with my wife Gracie.

I used to think this was all up to me. I had to do this. I had to get this done.

I had to figure this out. But then over a period of time I learned she doesn't belong to me. I didn't do this to her.

I can't undo this. She has a savior. I'm not that savior. I have a different role to play. I didn't go to medical school.

I don't know how to do all these things. I have a different role to play. I'm a steward. I'm a steward of her care.

And I have to answer to the one she belongs to. And that's God. And I trust in His strength and His provision and His direction in this. And that gives me the confidence then to deal with doctors, nurses, all types of medical providers, family members, friends, whatever. People who want to work out their salvation on us and explain how their theology applies in our situation.

You ever had that before? Where people come up and say, oh you know God told me this and God told me that and you can do this and what did you do that God would do this or there must be something? All that kind of stuff. People always want to work out their theology on people who are suffering because it's a threat to their theology. But if I'm a steward of this and recognize that God owns this, I don't own this. It's going to change my vocabulary. It's going to change the way I respond to people. It's going to change my understanding of what God's promises are in scripture. And it's going to increase my faith and my trust in the one who does. Because now I see all these things in that context. Oh wait a minute, it's not all up to me.

And I want my language to reflect that. So how you deal with other people, I'm not responsible to answer to them. I'm responsible to answer to God. And I don't have to answer to people who are sitting on the fringe of this thing who want to sit there and have – they're up at the cheap seats of the stadium while I'm out there on the field and they want to criticize. I was just talking to someone yesterday about that. And they're tap dancing around in-laws that are not helping but they're being extremely opinionated and condescending.

But they're in the cheap seats. When you understand what the roles are, it's going to give you that confidence to how to deal with this. And you don't have to be combative with them.

Sometimes it's a matter of not saying anything at all. And one of the things I've learned through this process I'm going through with Gracie right now in Denver with her surgery. And she is dealing with a second surgery because she has a post-op infection.

So I'd appreciate your continued prayers on that. They're on top of it but it's a challenge and she feels pretty miserable about it. But she did get up and walk and she is doing remarkable progress. She's making remarkable progress in spite of what she has to live with. And I tell Gracie she's tougher than a $2 steak. And she is. And she's got a lot of grit in her.

And you can go out to our Facebook page at Hope for the Caregiver and take a look at it. Because I filmed a picture of her walking while all the nurses were cheering her on. And it's an extraordinary picture. But I've learned through this process that it is very difficult to do nothing. It's really difficult to be still.

It takes everything I've got to bite my tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. I don't have to show up to every discussion and have an opinion and wage war. I don't have to go to every fight that I get a ticket to.

Sometimes I can just be still. I am not obligated to explain myself to people who are not invested partners in this. I don't have to do it.

And neither do you. And the way you learn to interact with them is to understand that concept a bit deeper in your own soul. So that it's going to give you that confidence when you walk in among people like that. When you interact with them. You're not hooked into these emotional tête-à-têtes.

You tracking with me on that? Because it's really easy to get hooked into that. And you want to defend your actions. You want to say something. You want to push back on them. All this kind of thing.

No, no, no. You keep your eyes focused on your Savior. He owns this. Look down at your hands.

If you don't see nail prints, this ain't yours to fix. This is Peter Rozenberger. We'll be right back. This is Hope with the Care Care. Hey, do you have trouble finding that perfect gift for someone or picking out the right card or getting that book or that CD or what other gift that you want to get that's very meaningful, particularly for folks dealing with difficult things?

Well, I've got an answer for you. Logos Bookstore, Nashville, Tennessee. I've known Ken and Cindy Najar for years, and they are wonderful folks. They have so many different things they can offer, whether it's your homeschooling needs or picking out that right gift or resource books. Whatever you need, they can get it to you and ship it to you. I think we need to support local businesses. I think we need to do that a lot.

We're starting to see the impact of not doing that. In today's world, there's just a phone call away, and they'll ship it to you. They'll ship it to your loved one. They'll ship it to somebody that you want to see. Overseas, he ships things to Outer Mongolia.

Don't kid him. Ask him about it when you call at 615-297-5388. Tell them I sent you.

They've got all of my CDs, Gracie CDs, our books, everything else. 615-297-5388. Give them a call today, and don't strain over getting that perfect gift. They know exactly how to help. They will get it for you. Logos Bookstore, Ken and Cindy in HR. 615-297-5388. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. How are you doing? How are you holding up? What's going on with you? If you want to let us know, go to Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

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You don't have to download all of them, but take a listen. We put out the whole show. We put out special music, all kinds of things. Books are out there. Music's out there. Blog's out there. Take advantage of it. Don't try to do this by yourself.

Friends don't let friends care give a little. Listen, I'm doing this remotely from Denver while I'm helping with some things with Gracie in the hospital. She's going through this surgery. It's a big surgery. It was the biggest surgery she's ever had, and that says something. 82 surgeries. Now she's got to have another one here either very quick, either today, tomorrow, or possibly next week. They're going to go in there and take care of a post-op infection that she's developed from the surgery.

I talked to the surgeon at length the other day. He's very upbeat. He said, look, I know this is unpleasant, and it's a bump in the road, but we're going to get this taken care of.

Don't worry. She can continue walking. She got up and walked, and all the nurses came out on the floor, cheered her on. It was such a great experience to see that going on and just the determination on her face as she did this. If you want to take a look, I'll put a little quick video on Facebook of her walking.

Her prosthetist and physical therapist are helping her, and all the nurses are clapping for her. There's a quote that I saw from Theodore Roosevelt that seemed incredibly appropriate, which says, it is only through labor and painful effort by grim energy and resolute courage that we move on to better things. Does that resonate with you as a caregiver? It is only through labor and painful effort by grim energy and resolute courage that we move on to better things. And we're seeing that being played out in our daily lives, but across the world now as we watch this thing with Ukraine. And it's really refreshing to see a president of that country who is so patriotic and so determined to do this. You know, and Theodore Roosevelt was that kind of president. We've had a few of them like that over the years, and we've had a few that were not so much. And I'll let you decide for yourself who you think was that way.

I won't get into that, but I know that Theodore Roosevelt was one of them. And patriotism being displayed in the face of tremendous odds is remarkable and very inspiring to see. And we have a responsibility to pray for these individuals to help in any way we can. And in the next segment, I'm going to talk to someone who's doing that. And I think you'll find this interview very meaningful. But as I watch this grim energy and resolute courage, this labor and painful effort that Roosevelt talked about, as I watched it displayed in my wife the other day, it's pretty inspiring.

And I was quite moved. Hope for the caregiver on Facebook if you want to go out and take a look at that. Like our page.

And we post a lot of stuff out there that you can also take advantage of and find all kinds of resources and helps for you along the way. I want to circle back to what we were talking about in the A block. And that was this term of obligation. Now, obligation is such a trap for us as caregivers. We get so mired in this.

And here's how you know. Let me just refresh this. Words like I must, I have to, I'm supposed to, I should have, I need to. All those kinds of things keep us shackled in this obligation trap. And I suggested in the A block that we change that word to stewardship. We don't own this. We answer to the owner who owns this.

God owns this. So that frees us up from having to explain a lot of things to other people who are marginally involved, who just want to parachute in, give their opinion and jump out. We don't have to do that. We don't have to get hooked into that.

But here's the other side of this. We also change our vocabulary when speaking to other people about their journey. I've tried to take the words you need to out of my vocabulary or you should or even I think you should. I think I try to take that one out as well because all of those words give a mental and emotional positioning somehow that I'm the arbiter of this, that I know what you're supposed to do. I don't know what you're supposed to do. I'm doing good to know what my role is. So take those words out and change your vocabulary to, you know, here's what I'm going to do. Here's what my responsibilities are.

Here's what I believe the Lord has led me to do in this and base it on scripture. And you don't have to explain yourself to people who are not stakeholders in this. But somehow we feel obligated to do so. Maybe it's a family member and they sit there on the sidelines with their arms crossed and they second guess everything you do. But they're not helping.

But boy they sure got an opinion. You're not obligated to explain yourself to them. Once you understand where the chain of command is, that frees you up so that you can function in this thing a little clearer and a little more confident of what your role is. You are a steward. You do not own it. You cannot change it. You cannot cure it.

You didn't cause it. You're a steward. And in such you do a different set of tasks with a different attitude with that knowledge. And so when somebody comes up to you and wants to criticize you, you are confident then because you know who you are. You know your place. You know your role. You don't have to feel ashamed. You don't have to feel embarrassed. You don't have to feel second class. You don't have to feel like you're somehow the fifth wheel of something or that you've got to prove something to somebody. You're showing up every day to care for your loved one to the best of your ability.

Often without training and usually without money being paid to do that job. You know I went to music school. At not one point during my entire collegiate career did we ever cover the concept of being a caregiver. Here I am.

Here you are. But if you are going into this caregiving journey with your head so squirrelly and your heart so torrid because you feel like you are being evaluated and you're being judged by others and you feel obligated to somehow make sure everybody understands what you're doing and why you're doing it. That's only going to lead to more stress for you.

When's a good time to be stressed out? You already got enough on you. Now you're not going to do this with some kind of trick.

You're not going to do this with some kind of, okay Peter said use this script. No you're going to do this because you're going to start being confident in who you are. You are a steward. You are a steward. It is stewardship and that is the difference between you and everyone else when it comes to your loved one.

You are a steward of this person to care for them to the best of your abilities. And when you get into these places where you feel you're being hooked into that argument or to that somehow I have to explain myself to these people while they look on disapprovingly. Stop.

It may be the hardest thing you've ever done but bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. Let your silence speak for yourself. You don't have to answer all of their questions. You don't have to give them a blow by blow and somehow they can have an evaluation sheet of what you're doing and how you're doing it. You do have to do that with God. You don't have to do that with them.

You understand the difference? And God is going to walk with you through this in ways that you cannot really imagine right now. You're not going to expect this but you're going to start to see it. You're going to see these principles start playing out in your life.

I promise you will. If you'll just trust Him in it and you'll start seeing scriptures that mean something different to you now because you're walking through it. Remember last week I talked about the 23rd Psalm and I went back and I looked at it. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thou rod and thy staff they come for me. Thou preparest the table before me. It implies this presence of God through this.

That I'm not there to somehow slog my way through this thing and figure it all out. He's going to walk with me through it. That's what the name Immanuel means. God with us. God tabernacles with us. Nothing can separate you from the love of God, scripture says. Jesus says lo I'm with you always, even to the end of the age. And He's not going to abandon you. And you remember when Jesus ascended to heaven, what did He tell His disciples?

He said you know what? I've got to go here so that another can come. The Comforter, the Holy Spirit, the third member of the Trinity.

So they were never left alone. His presence is with us in this. And He will guide you and He will instruct you on this. And yes He'll give you the strength for today. He'll give you the grace to make amends where you get it wrong, because you will. But as you do this, you will discover that you're being infused with this confidence that you're in the right place.

That you're doing it. And the sniping of other people, the lackadaisical part of other people is going to kind of fade away. You're going to have boundaries around them. And you're going to be able to enforce those boundaries for your own protection. And you're not going to do it in a combative way, you're going to do it in a confident way.

You don't have to fight with people, you just be confident in it. And if there's one thing I've discovered with myself and fellow caregivers is that confidence is so fleeting for us. We feel so unsure of ourselves, so unsteady.

We don't know where solid ground is. That's what this program is about. It's to help point us to that solid ground. And it starts with you understanding who you are in Christ. It starts with you understanding the role of stewardship, He has infused you with everything you need to do this. Because He's infused you with Himself and He is all you need. And He will guide you, He will lead you.

You can trust Him. Okay? We'll talk more about this in the coming weeks. This is Peter Rosenberg and this is Hope for the Caregiver.

We'll be right back. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie. And recently Peter talked to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for and they're disassembling. You see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs. And arms. And arms. And arms. And arms.

And arms. But when you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry.

Cause I see the smiles on their faces, and I know, I know what it is to be liked some place where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out. Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long. These men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one band said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea.

You know, I thought of peg leg, I thought of wooden legs, I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that. I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that they're helping other people now walk, they're providing the means for these supplies to get over there, what does that do to you, just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there. And I wish that I could be able to go and say, this guy right here, he needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way.

Every time, you know, you always make me have to leave, I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them. And I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that CoreCivic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome. And I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one, is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them. And I think that that says so much. That doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or, you know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own for them to do. How do they do that? Please go to standingwithhope.com slash recycle standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie.