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The Obligation Trap

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger
The Truth Network Radio
March 11, 2022 3:30 am

The Obligation Trap

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger

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March 11, 2022 3:30 am

I must. I'm supposed to. I have to. I should. 

When repeatedly hearing these words come out of your mouth, you might be caught in the obligation trap. 

www.hopeforthecaregiver.com 

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And I know I know I hear John sliding here the last minute.

This is Peter Rosenberg. This is hope for the caregiver is not as easy to do this thing, but remote as you would think I am so glad that you're with us. This is the nation's number one program for was a family caregiver. This is hope for the caregiver. Hopefully caregiver.com. If you now just doing this for the first time understand is that there are more than 65 million Americans right now serving as a family caregiver were so glad with this if you're one of the 65 million strong. How do you help a family caregiver. What is it look like that's what this program is all about. If you want to learn more, go to hopefully caregiver.com. You can take advantage of all the resources we have out there, including our free podcast, which is now well over 600 episodes. We got a little form you can fill out if you got something on your mind. You want to submit to the show will try to give you call will try to connect up with you discuss whatever you want.

If that's something you want us to do to follow back if you just have a comet, whatever. Just send us a note and hope for the caregiver.com. Why do we do this because healthy caregivers make better caregivers. I want to jump right into a topic today that is affecting so many of us is the word obligation as part of the fog of caregivers fear obligation and guilt. We all get lost in this and here's how you know if your in an obligation trap you use words like I have to.

I must I should I need to. I'm supposed to feel obligated this what all that means it could be taking care of your loved one.

It could be having to dance around family members that are opinionated but not helpful. How many of you will have that where you get people to sit on the sidelines and don't lift a finger to do what you're doing but they sure do want to tell you how to do what you're doing and so you feel obligated to dance around that instead of risking a confrontation that may make it worse will you don't have to be combative to confront so want to spend a little bit of time today on this program to talk about that word obligation and what can you do to retrain your mind that this is not to come overnight. Please don't misunderstand here. You cannot change direction that fast is like turning an aircraft carrier. My dad was in the Navy and he said it takes like 15 miles to turn an aircraft carrier 180. It just doesn't happen on a dime. That's kind of where we are as caregivers. This is a massive undertaking that we have some circumstances are more challenging than others but still be journey to give yourself a little bit of grace. First, you could have a learning curve on this, but you can change that word obligation to a word I use called stewardship how to get through a fog use GPS so Navy ship captains doing airline pilots. So for the use an external mechanism to help orient them in space and time. GPS fear obligation guilt that fog, GPS, grace, purpose, stewardship, okay stewardship would stewardship me, and old-fashioned word is it's not a word we use a lot in our country clearly is worth $30 trillion in debt. We are squandering the great resources of this country not only the potential of people. But the natural resource we have the, the, the environment that we have all these kinds of things we have squandered and we get some people that want to go all extreme in one way or the other but if you go back to Genesis, the first job of Adam's to tend the garden.

He was in Stuart. And that's in our DNA. That was before the fall. That's in our DNA to be stewards we are caring for the property of someone else. We are caring for what belongs to someone else were caring for who belongs to someone else. I have had to Brett my mind around this.

On board the more comes I can count because I used to think it was all up to me with my wife Gracie. I used to think this was all up to me I had to do this I had to get this done. I had to figure this out within a reputed time. I learned she doesn't belong to me. Do this to her can't undo this. She has a Savior I'm not that Savior. I have a different role to play. I go to medical school.

I don't know how to do all these things I have a different role to play. I was Stuart I was Stuart of her care and I have to answer to the one she launched.

That's got and I trusted his strength and his provision and his direction in this and that gives me the confidence and to deal with doctors, nurses, all types of medical providers, family members, friends, whatever.

People who want to work out their salvation on us in and explain how their theology applies in our situation here had that before were people come up say oh you know God told me this, God told me that in you can do this in and what did you do that God would do this for a while there must be something you all that common stuff.

People always want to work at their theology on people who are suffering because it's a threat to their theology, but if I was Stuart of this and recognize that God owns this. I don't know if this is gonna change my vocabulary to change the way I respond to people is going change my understanding God's promises are in Scripture is going to increase my faith and my trust in the one who does because now I see all these things in that context all claimant is not all up to be and I want my language to reflect that.

So how you deal with other people are not responsible to answer to them responsible days are God, and I don't have to answer to people who sitting on the fringe of this thing who want to sit there and have been there for the cheap seats of the stadium when I'm out there on the field and they want to criticize. I was just talking to someone yesterday about that and their tap dancing around in laws that are not helping, but there being extremely opinionated and condescending, but there in the cheap seats when you understand what the roles are is gonna give you that confidence to how to deal with this and you don't have to be combative with. Sometimes it's a matter of not saying anything at all in one of things of earth to this process of going through with Gracie right now in Denver with her surgery and she is dealing with the second server because she is a postop infection. So I appreciate your continued prayers on that there on top of it, but it's a challenge and she feels pretty miserable about it but she did get up and walk and she is doing remarkable progress she's making remarkable progress in spite of what she has to live with and and she said she got till Gracie. She's tougher than a two dollar steak and she is and she sees a lot of grid dinner and you can go out to our Facebook page and hope for the caregiver and take a look at it because I feel the picture of her walking while the nurses were cheering her on this extraordinary picture but I've learned through this process that it is very difficult to do nothing.

It's really difficult to be still, it takes everything I got to bite my tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. I don't have two show up to every discussion and have an opinion and an wage war.

I don't have to go to every fight that I get a ticket to sometimes I can just be still, I am not obligated to explain myself to people who are not invested.

Partners in this have to do I need to do you in the way you learn to interact with them is to understand that concept a bit deeper in your own soul.

So that's gonna give you that confidence when you walk it among people like that when you interact with your not hooked into these emotional tte--tte's train with me on that is really easy to get hooked you want to defend your actions. You want to say something you want to push back on them. Always something that I know you keep your eyes focused on your Savior. He owns this looked out at your hands if you see nail prints this eight years to fix this is Peter Rosenberger will be right back. This is Kate. Do you have trouble finding that perfect gift for someone or picking up the right car or getting that book or that CD or what other gift that you want to get that's very meaningful particular for folks dealing with difficult things elegantly supporting logos bookstore Nashville, Tennessee known Kinison in Asia for years and they are wonderful folks lately have so many different things that can offer whether sure homeschooling needs or picking up that right gift or resource books. What ever you need. They can get it to and ship it to you. I think we need to support local businesses. I think we need to do that a lot were starting to see the impact of not doing that and in today's world you know they're just a phone call away and they'll ship it to you the ship to your loved one the ship it to somebody that you want to sit over CCC ship things to Outer Mongolia kid asked him about it when you call it 615-297-5388 tell message they got all of my CDs. Gracie CDs are books. Everything else, 615-297-5388. Give him a call today and don't strained over getting that perfect gift.

They know exactly how to help. They will get for you logos bookstore Kinison in HR 615-297-5388 but over the caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program you as a family caregiver carried what's going on with you if you want to let us know.

Go to hope for the caregiver.calm, there's little for their Cimino know how you're doing. If you want to call you from the ship and talk about what's going on with you. You got a question to get a comment also take advantage of her podcast out there it's free Titleist are so many different episodes we have well over 600. You don't have to download all of but they listen we put out the whole show. We put a special music all kinds of things books about their musics out there blogs out there take advantage of it. Don't try to do this by yourself.

Friends don't let friends caregiver.

Hello listen up.

Do this remotely from Denver while I'm helping some things with Gracie in the hospital. She's going to the surgery.

It's a big surgery.

It was big surgery. She's ever heading that says something 82 surgeries and now she's gotta have another one here either very quick. You either today tomorrow or possibly next week, but they are going to go in there and take care of a postop infection. She's developed from surgery talk to the surgeon at length the other day very upbeat. He said look, I know this is unpleasant and the bump of the robe to get this taken care of. Worry.

She can continue walking. She got up and walked through all the nurses demand for cheered her on. It was such a great experience to see that going on and just the determination on her face as she did this. If you want to take a look out put up a quick video on Facebook of her walking her prostitutes than physical therapist helping her and all the nurses are clapping for and there's a quote that softened Theodore Roosevelt that seemed incredibly appropriate which says it is only through labor and painful effort by grim energy and resolute courage that we move on to better things that resonate with you as a caregiver is only through labor and painful effort by grim energy and resolute courage that we move on to better things were seeing that being played out in our daily lives, but across the world now is watch the same with Ukraine and is so it's really refreshing to see Pres. of that country who is so patriotic and so determined to do this knowing Theodore Roosevelt was a kind of present we've had a few of them like that over the years we've had a few that were not so much and I'll let you decide for yourself who you think was that way I won't get into that, but I know Theodore Roosevelt was one of the and patriotism being displayed in the face of tremendous thoughts is is remarkable and very inspiring to see in our you know we have a responsibility to pray for these individuals to help in any way we can, and in the next segment to talk to someone who's doing that and I think you'll you'll find this interview very meaningful. But as I watched this grim energy and resolute courage is labor and painful effort that Roosevelt talked about is a lawsuit displayed in my wife that it's pretty inspiring and I was quite moved out for the caregiver on Facebook if you want to go out and take a look at that like her page and post a lot of stuff out there that you can also take advantage of and find all kinds of resources it helps for you along the way to circle back to what we talked about in the a block and that was this term of obligation now obligation is such a trap for us as caregivers.

We get so mired in this and here's here's how you know just refresh this words like I must have to I'm supposed to. I should've, I need to all those kinds of things keep us shackled in this obligation trap and I suggested in the a block that change that were to stewardship. We don't own this, we answer to the owner who owns this God So that freezes up from having to explain a lot of things to other people who are marginally involved who just want a parachute and give their opinion jump out. We don't have to do that we don't want to get hooked into that. But here's the other side of this. We also change our vocabulary. When speaking to other people about their journey. I've tried to take the words you need to out of my vocabulary. Or you should or even, I think you should think of. Try to take that one out as well because all of those words in give a a mental and emotional positioning. Somehow that on the arbiter of this that I know what you're supposed to do. I don't know what you're supposed to do. I'm doing good to know what my role this so take those words out and change vocabulary to know.

Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what my responsibilities are. Here's what I believe the Lord has led me to do this and based on Scripture and you don't have to explain yourself to people who were not stakeholders in this but somehow we feel obligated to do so. Maybe it's a family member and they sit there on the sidelines with their arms crossed and and they second-guess everything you do, but they're not help before they sure got paid you're not obligated to explain yourself to them. Once you understand where the chain of command is that frees you up so that you can function in this thing a little clear and a little more confident of what your role is you are a steward you do not own it, you cannot change it cannot cure it because it your steward and in such you do a different set of task with a different attitude. With that knowledge. And so when somebody comes up she wants to criticize you.

You are confident that because you know who you are, you know your place, you know your role. You don't have to feel ashamed you not feel embarrassed you. I feel second-class.

You don't have to feel like you're somehow the fifth wheel of something that you gotta prove something to somebody you're showing up every day to care for your loved one to the best of your ability, often without training and usually without money being paid to do that job know I went to music school at not one point during my entire collegiate career. Did we ever cover the concept of being a caregiver. Here I hear you are, but if you are going into this caregiving journey with your head so squarely in your heart so tort because you feel like you are being evaluated and you being judged by others that you feel obligated to somehow make sure everybody understands what you're doing while you're doing it that's only going to lead to more stress for you and when's a good time to be stressed out. You Artie got enough on that you're not going to do this was some kind of trick you not do this was some kind of okay Peterson use the script know you go to do this because you can start being confident in who you are. You are steward you already steward it is steward ship and that is the difference between you and everyone else what comes to your loved one. You are a steward of this person to care for them, to the best of your abilities and when you get into these places where you feel you're being hooked into that argument or two that somehow like I have to explain myself to these people with a look on disapprovingly stop. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done but bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. Let your silence speak for yourself.

You don't have, to answer all of their questions. You don't have to give them a blow-by-blow and somehow they can have an evaluation sheet of what you're doing and how you're doing it. You do have to do that with God. You don't have to do that with them.

You understand the difference and God is going to walk with you through this invoice that you cannot ask really imagine right now you not expect this but you can start to see you posting these principal start playing out in your life. I promise you will if you just trust them in it and you start seeing scriptures that mean something different to you now because you're walking through it. Never. Last week I talked about the 23rd Psalm and I went back and I looked at it. Yay though I walk to the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me that rod and thy staff they comfort me.

That prepares a table before me. It implies the presence of God through this that I'm not there to somehow slog my way through this thing and figure it all out.

He's going to walk with me through it. That's what the name Immanuel means, God with us. God tabernacles with this.

Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Scripture says Jesus is low. I'm with you always, even to the end of the age that he stuck would abandon you in November when you said, when Jesus ascended to heaven until his disciples. He said you know what I gotta go here so that another can come the comfort of the Holy Spirit. The third member of the Trinity, so they were never left alone. His presence is with us in this and he will guide you and he will instruct you on this. And yes will give you the strength for today to give you the grace to make amends where you get it wrong because you will, but it should do this, you will discover that you're being infused with this confidence that you're in the right place that you're doing it and think the sniping of other people. The laxity basically part of other people's gonna kind of fade away you go to have boundaries around you to be able to enforce those boundaries for your own protection. I do nothing to do it in a combative way you could do it in a confident way you don't have to fight with people you just be confident in it and if there's one thing I discovered with myself and fellow caregivers is that confidence is so fleeting for us.

We feel so unsure of herself. Someone steady. We don't know were solid ground is that's what this program is about is to help point is that solid ground and it starts with you. Understanding who you are in Christ. It starts with you. Understanding the role of stewardship. He is infused you with everything you need to do this because he's infused you with himself and he is all you need and he will guide you leach trust.

Okay will talk more about this in the coming weeks. This is Peter Rosenberg Hopefully caregiver will be right back.

Some of you know the remarkable story of peers wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen Gracie. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach.

Did you ever think the inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosthetic and arms and orange everything when you see all this makes me cry as I see this on their faces and I know what it is like someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out me in the hospital.

These men are so glad that they get to be doing as is one being said something good with my did you know before you became an amputated parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled and I had no idea I thought Peg leg. I thought a wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon lags and flex the sea legs and all that. I never thought about.

As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people available providing the means for the supplies to get over there. What does it do to you. Just on the heart level. I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I can be able to come Wednesday the this guy right here in Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to lead I don't want to leave. II feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together.

Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs. The core civic offers. I think there is absolutely awesome and I think every person out there for half faith-based program ties the return right at the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know that this one car is an amazingly low rate compared to those who think that says that is with me just has something to do with God. Somebody help people if you want to donate use prosthetic limb, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well-groomed you donated some of your own for the data out of the please go to staining with.com/recycle pain. We


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