They're Going to Fall

Chapter 39, They're Going to Fall. Nelson Mandela said, Well, something bad happens whether you're there or not.

I told her. As we all struggle with the independence issue, these questions require consideration. Will your loved one's life improve if you were out of the picture? Are you able to care for them when you are emotionally and physically exhausted?

Will they be better off once you're a husk of a human being? Looking at those questions, seeking and maintaining a healthy level of emotional and even physical independence becomes critical, not only for the caregiver, but also for the patient as well. Independence is not abandonment.

It's allowing a life to blossom on its own without encroachment. I've watched my wife fall many times since she began walking on prosthetic limbs decades ago. Each time I try to catch her if I can and comfort her when I can't.

The fact is amputees who use prosthetic legs are going to fall. She's embarrassed when it happens, and I'm embarrassed for her. She hurts, and I hurt for her. Our sons hurt to see their mother fall, but we all recognize that for her to be who she is, she has to get back up and continue trying. That's her journey. If I, by the force of my will, try to keep her in a wheelchair to avoid falling, I would do great harm to her, and ultimately to me.

I would force her to become utterly dependent upon me and rob her of whatever level of independence she could achieve. We're caregivers, not superheroes. We can't prevent every disaster or solve every problem.

This isn't metropolis. It's the real world. Here in the real world, they're going to fall. They will make mistakes. They will get hurt. No caregiver can eliminate those risks without endangering his or her well-being. We do the best we can to protect the ones we love, while never forgetting that the best asset for their protection is to have a healthy caregiver.