Struggling Moms Serving as Caregivers.

Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio. This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberg bringing you more than three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. And we are very glad that you're with us. If you want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840.

Now let me just lay this out. This is a show for family caregivers, for those individuals who are caring for a loved one who is chronically impaired on some level. Now it doesn't matter what the impairment is. If it's a chronic impairment, it could be Alzheimer's. It could be alcoholism. It could be autism, some other form of addiction. It could be Parkinson's, chronic pain, cerebral palsy, MS, cancer, whatever.

Some form of chronic impairment that is hurting somebody that you love and you're putting yourself between that person and even worse, disaster. That's what this show is for. Now a lot of folks call in and they want to talk about this or that. There's 167 other hours in the week to talk about other issues. This is the one hour that caregivers get. Okay? One hour.

That's all we're asking for. One hour for caregivers. And this is a show exclusively for you.

There is no other show like this in the country. And we're going out across the entire network here on American Family Radio to reach those who are isolated, who are struggling, who are feeling discouraged and despairing and all of the above. Whatever you're feeling as a caregiver, you're why we do the show. And we want to help back you away from the cliff a bit so that you can get to a place of safety. Does that sound like somewhere you are right now?

Do you feel that kind of despair or frustration or bone tired weariness? This is the show for you. 888-589-8840. And we try to spend as much time with you when you call as you can. So don't wait until the very end of the show to start calling in. Because then we'll have to squeeze everything together.

All right? I'm Peter Rosenberg and for those who don't know me, I've been a caregiver for 33 years now through a medical nightmare. For a wife that has dealt with the aftermath of a horrific car wreck back in 83. 80 plus surgeries that I can count. Another 150 smaller procedures that I can count. 80, 90, 100 doctors. It's hard to count those.

They kind of come and go. 12 different hospitals. 7 different insurance companies. Well over 10 million dollars in medical bills. Both of her legs amputated below the knee. Lives with intractable pain. It's just not going to go away.

It hasn't gone away since Reagan's first term. One resident told her prosthetist, the guy that makes her legs, many years later that they had stopped counting at 200 breaks. So you're looking at a significant medical trauma and it has a lifetime impact on every relationship she has. I didn't meet her until a couple of years after her wreck.

She still had her legs. She only had about 20 surgeries when I met her. Beautiful, beautiful woman. Go out and take a look at hopeforthecaregiver.com. Don't take my word for it.

Go take a look. Beautiful woman. Unbelievable singer.

You'll probably hear some of her music throughout the show today. But her body is broken. And when you're in chronic pain, it affects every relationship you have. Your relationship with God, yourself, spouses, children, family, friends, coworkers, everything. And show focuses on those relationships. Those people in orbit around somebody who is hurting, who is chronically impaired, who is broken, who has some type of affliction.

Doesn't have to be chronic pain. If someone has dementia, it's going to affect every relationship they have. How do you help those folks?

What does it look like to help a family caregiver? And that's what we talk about on the show. And I want to start off with a scripture this morning. We're going to get into a topic that's probably going to go from preaching to meddling, but that's all right. Ephesians 4 31, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. We're going to talk about resentment today. And that's a hard issue for a lot of caregivers.

It is for me. And you want to deliciously entertain resentful thoughts because it makes you feel strong and powerful. And if you notice, Jesus never said, blessed are the strong and powerful who resent for they shall.

He never said that. Instead, it's blessed are the meek. It's hard to be meek when you got family members that don't want to put their shoulder to the wheel with you. Isn't it? It's hard to feel these things.

And yet resentment is something that cripples us so much. And I'm a pianist. I've been playing the piano longer than I've been a caregiver.

I've been playing since I was five. Majored in music, studied piano all through college and still play a lot. And you know, I've noticed that I cannot play a piano with clenched fist.

In order for beautiful music to come out of my hands at the piano, I have to open them up. You know, you can't push a wheelchair with clenched fist. Try it sometime. Not with them in it.

Just take it out to a secluded area and try it. You can't do it. And my goal for us, myself and for you as a fellow caregiver is that one day when we do stand at a grave and our goal is to be able to be the one standing there. I can't guarantee that I'll outlive my wife, but I want to live like I can by taking good care of myself, being a good steward of me, physically, fiscally, professionally, emotionally, all those things. But when we do stand at that grave, that we're not standing there with clenched fist. At ourselves, at our loved one, at family and friends who we didn't feel like helped as much as they could have or should have, or at God, that we can live peacefully with this, as Paul says in Ephesians, I'm going to read that one more time.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor, I like that word clamor, and slander be put away from you along with all malice. We can't live while we hold onto that stuff. It'll kill us. Now, don't bang on yourself today.

Just don't beat yourself up today if you're feeling those things. We're all going to feel it. That's why Paul puts it in there because he knows that that's what we do. We don't put it away from us. We hang onto it, but we have to remind ourselves to do it, and we have to have people around us that'll help remind us to do it so that we're not isolated and running back to those things. Because we will.

We'll pick it back up. And so we've got to have people around us to remind us to put it back down, put it away from us. And when I started writing for fellow caregivers and when I started speaking to this issue, and then when we got on the air and so forth, I wanted to address the things for a caregiver that will deal with what's in their heart.

We all have heard this. If you've been a caregiver for any length of time, you'll always hear somebody say, you know, take care of yourself and all those kind of platitudes that really mean nothing to us. But what we do here on this show is we bore into the caregiver's heart that is just sometimes a train wreck and help you get to safety. Help you slow down, breathe, catch your breath, take a knee if you have to, and then start living a healthier life.

Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. Hey, we've got to go to a break. 888-589-8840.

The number is 888-589-8840. That's your lifeline to a lifetime of experience. We'll talk to you just a little bit. We've got to go to a break.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. We'll be right back. Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio.

We are so very glad that you're with us. If you want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840. 888-589-8840. Also, just a little bit of a note, I have a new commentary out on American Family Association's blog, The Stand. You can go out to afa.net.

Just click on The Stand where it says The Stand right at the top there. And it's called The Lost Office of Pastor. The Lost Office of Pastor.

And I think you'll like this commentary. It talks about all pastors are preachers of some kind, but not all preachers are pastors. And my father is a pastor for now 60 years. And I know how the job is done. And I've watched him do it.

And it's a different type of function. And it's one that we desperately need now. I think you'll like the article.

Take a look at it at afa.net, afa.net slash The Stand, or you just click right up there at the front page there. It says The Stand. You'll see The Lost Office of Pastor. All right. A verse today that we're dealing with. And we're just going to keep hammering this theme. Ephesians 4 31, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

Basically, put down the resentment. Okay? And don't think for one moment that I've got a handle on this. I'm just telling you that's the path to safety. And I have to be reminded of this just as much as everyone else.

Okay? We're all in this together. But if we don't reinforce this with each other and we live in that isolation that cripples us as caregivers, we're going to lose our way. We're going to get hurt and we're going to hurt others. So this is our time.

There are 168 hours in a week from what I understand. And one hour is dedicated nationally to the family caregiver. And this is our time to come together and build each other up and strengthen each other for the journey. Okay?

Because if we don't do it, we're going to get hurt. Let's go to, um, let's go to Vera in Mississippi. Vera, good morning. How are you feeling? I'm doing okay. How are you?

Well, you know, I'm just precious. Thank you for asking. Tell me what's going on with you.

Yes. I was calling about my daughter. Um, you know, she's had migraines for years.

We've been to Austin. We've been to different doctors or whatever. I'm going to make a long story short. And she's had several surgeries like once every year. And she just gets disheartening sometimes. And sometimes I do too, because she's now become addicted to the pain medicine.

I'm sorry, I'm driving. She's addicted to pain medicine. Then she is. And she'll be talking and doing just fine. But if she has some sleeping pills, she'll just go in there and take all of the sleeping pills out of a button and just like, Oh my God, what are you doing? And then when she gets done, she says, well, mom, I'm just tired of living like this.

And it's just migraines, but it is so debilitating. And I try to be that mom that's strong and there for her. And all the time, you know how we do it and whatever they go through, we go through because when you love someone, that's what you do. And I'm so close, we're so close together that it's disheartening sometimes when I see her, when I said, well honey, pray about this, pray about that. She said, mom, it's like, God doesn't care. It's like, he's forgotten me. All of her friends are moving on.

She's getting the grief, but she's not getting the job because she's been not able to work, you know? And I just, I'm, I'm, I'm in a wits then sometimes I, sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get tired and she's my only door. Yeah.

Yeah. I know you get tired Vera and it's hard to watch. How old is she? She's 31.

She's 31. And uh, and you've been to, and you, your doctors, does, do the doctors know that she's cranking pretty hard on the sleeping pills? Uh, no, they don't know. She's actually on pain meds too because of the, no, they don't know anything about that. I've told them a couple of times and they would, they would talk to her and tell her, well, you don't need to be doing that. And so they don't want to prescribe or anything now to go to sleep with because she's up at night because she couldn't sleep and she's going through the pain and it's just like, I'm like, it's just run amok.

It's one thing, then it's another. Does she live, does she live with you with me? Yes. All right. And are you married? I am married. Yeah. Okay.

So you and your husband, two things have got to happen in, in living with someone with chronic pain is, is just, it's God awful. I mean, it just is. There's no other way to describe it. I get it.

I get the journey. And um, is she seeing a, what type of doctor is she seeing? Well, right now she's been a neurologist, which they don't know anything.

I'm sorry. And she's seeing a pain management, um, that she sees every month. She gets medicine every Thursday and she's seeing, uh, she has a back heart rate. So she sees a heart doctor from time to time. It's just those three doctors. Yeah. Does she have a psychiatrist involved in this at all?

Do not. No, she does not. Would, would you, um, uh, would you, uh, the neurologist is a good place to be because that's what they deal with. You know, I'm sorry that they're not able to, to better function in that regards, but it may be worth your while to explore a psychiatrist with her. Um, and on, on a couple of levels, because there may be some, some aggravating circumstances going on in the psychiatric world with her and they may, and psychiatrists are pretty good with medications. That's you know, that's, they understand pharmacology pretty well.

And that may be a good start for you, but what for her, but what about you? What are you doing to kind of help detach yourself from this and keep your own sanity? Exactly. Well, of course I do a lot of praying. Oh my God. I do a lot of praying and uh, you know, just trying to stay focused and try not to get upset at certain things I tell her to do that she don't do. And I'll say, honey, don't eat sweets. Honey, don't eat this.

Let's don't eat the salt. Let's, you know, and I'll find out she's got some cookies in the room and um, you know, things of that nature. Then I get a little, I get angry because I'm like, sugar is bad for you.

But I, what I do is I continuously to pray and I do work. So I get a break there and then sometimes talking will be like, she would call me just in the middle of the night. She'll text me in the next room and she'll say, well mom, I'm hurting or I don't feel good. And I said, well honey, we don't have any more pain pills. I said, just listen to the word. Well, listen, let's do, let's do a couple of things. One of them is diet does play a role in this and if she's, if she's doing those kinds of things, you're not responsible for that kind of stuff.

Okay. The migraines you get don't have any control over, but, but also her, her bad choices of what she's putting in her body. And if she's texting you in the middle of the night, you might want to turn your phone off because setting boundaries with her is going to be a real challenge, I'm thinking. And, and she's got, she's gotten pretty used to having somebody at her beck and call do everything for her. And, um, you know, that's the, uh, I get that, but she's not going to, she's not going to necessarily be able to get out of this, but she's got to learn how to live better with it.

Uh, I live with somebody in chronic pain who's never known a day without it since 1983. And, and this, and it's, I've seen the MRIs, I've seen the X-rays and I'm, I'm smart enough to know what they mean. And her body is just broken. And Gracie learned a long time ago that she's not going to be able to get out of this barring something from Jesus that we're not, you know, we're not seeing. And, and so she's got to learn to live with it in a healthy manner, but so do I, and so do you Vera. And you're going to have to take your hands off of some of this and let it be what it's going to be.

And you, you, she's 31 years old and other than migraines and pain, she's still an adult and she's going to have to deal with life as an adult because if something happens to you, who's she going to text in the middle of the night? Oh my God. I don't know. That, that's a good question, isn't it?

And if you stroke out because of the stress of this, who's she going to be, you know, stealing cookies from? Right, exactly. All right. So part of this is a medical problem. Part of this is a behavior problem. And it's hard to know which one is which, isn't it? It is. Oh my gosh.

Yes. And that's why it's a healthy, healthy thing for you to back away from this so that you're not trying to sit there and wrap your hands around the entire thing and figure this out. Because I, you know, Vera, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you go to medical school? No, she did.

Well, then why don't you let her work this out with her doctors? Because you didn't. I didn't go to medical school and I had to learn how to get away from these things.

Okay. And I had to learn to back away and let it be what it's going to be. And sometimes Vera, you have to bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. And you have to, you have to turn your head and let hot tears run down your face, but you have to turn your head and do it.

And she's going to have to, she's going to have to make some, some, uh, tough choices and take control of her own life. Because if something happens to you, Vera, what's her option. Right. And, and sometimes with us as caregivers, now I'm speaking from experience here, Vera. Okay. I'm not in any way beating on you or shaming on you or anything. I'm just telling you my own experience. Sometimes as caregivers, I know I have, it's very easy to cross that line and become an enabler.

Yeah. Been there, done that. And I've got a t-shirt that says it, you know, and, and it's a hard thing and it's because you get, you're, you're, you're almost blinded with this desire to recklessly hurl yourself at someone because they're floundering and it may be okay for her to flounder on her own without you running to the rescue.

Every time, every time. Turn your phone off at night, set boundaries. She's not going to like it by the way. Then you're going to be able to see the difference because you're going to see some blowback when she doesn't have, when she doesn't ring the bell and you come running, you're going to see some blowback and she's going to sit there crying and, and blaming you and everything else. And you're going to have to really be strong at that point.

Okay. But, but you have to understand she's going to have to make it or fail on her own merits and you can point her to the good quality medical care and you can try this thing. That's why I think a psychiatrist may be an appropriate step for her. A licensed mental health counselor of some kind, but preferably a psychiatrist for her because I think she's going to need some MD treatment. But in your case, I also think you could benefit greatly from a licensed mental health care professional.

Not just, not just somebody who's a life coach or even a pastor at this point, but somebody who's a licensed mental health professional. Keep listening to the show. We got to take a break. Keep listening.

This is the show for you, Vera. Okay. And I want you to call in anytime you want. All right. All right. Thank you. And you're a blessed man. Vera, you blessed me this morning.

Thank you so much. This is hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger.

This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver. We'll be right back. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger and in 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated.

I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me, but over time my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com.

I'm Gracie and I am standing with hope. Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio. We are so glad you're with us. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. This is the show for those of you who are standing between somebody with a chronic impairment and even worse disaster. This is your time. This is your show. There's 167 other hours in the week that we can talk about politics and all other things, but this is for caregivers. And aren't you glad that there's a Christian perspective being dealt with this thing on a nationwide level?

This is the only show like this nationally. 65 million people are dealing with this issue and yet there's only one national show for family caregivers and this is it. And we're determined that we're going to speak life into the heartache that so many are just dealing with every day like you just heard with Vera.

And we're going to do everything we can to help strengthen that caregiver, to back them away from that cliff so that they can live a calmer, healthier, and dare I say it, a more joyful life. Alright, let's go to Janine in Tennessee. Janine, good morning. How are you feeling? Well, I'm doing okay.

I wanted to thank you for sending me the book and CD and also give you an update about my son. They are nearing the end with his cancer situation and it's been tough and we kind of don't know some days what to say or what to do or we're just doing one day at a time. You know, that's all we do have Janine.

That is so true. You know, we tend to live in the wreckage of our future or the regrets of our past or whatever but Jesus said, you know, we're going to live today. Today is sufficient for itself.

And that's all we have and I hurt with you on this and I'm glad that these things have been a source of comfort to you and strength to you. What do you got going on today? I am actually working today. I'm on my way to work. My husband is retired and he's with me most of the time and we do have a caregiver that comes Monday through Friday that helps us and we're blessed to have all the help that we have.

And my daughter and son-in-law have been a big help and so everybody's just kind of rallying around. Adam, that's his name and this next week is kind of devoted to him. Everybody's taking off work and we're just having an Adam week. Well, what about having a Janine week?

I think that's probably going to come later. I don't know. I don't know some days but, you know. How about having a Janine day? Now you can do that tomorrow can't you? Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. It's just the hardest thing I've ever done. It is and I know that and we all hurt with you on this. I tell you what, why don't we just have a Janine hour and carve out an hour for you today, Janine. And if you know what, go back and listen to my CD. I sent it for you, okay? And if you cry, you cry.

It's okay to cry but I'm hoping that we as caregivers will learn to better cry healthy tears and not tears of rage and despair because after the healthy tears flow, then we can actually have a little bit of laughter. You know? Exactly. Weeping endureth for the night but what comes in the morning, Janine? Finish the scripture. Enjoy.

It does. And this is that time of weeping right now and you know what's coming but don't live out in that place with what's coming. Live today because what's coming is not here yet. We're going to live today and just find some places that you could just sit and just be still and reflect on Janine and the beauty of life that's around you and the moment and these are not easy things to do but this is how we do it together. And I'm going to need you to say the same thing back to me. Yes.

This is how we do it. And when you're at work today, do you enjoy your job? I do.

I am plastic. I'm a hairdresser and I have some beautiful ladies that have come to me for over 30 years, some of them. And they're like my family and when things go bad, we rally around each other and pray for each other and that's like my therapy. Going to work is my therapy. I love that. Well then you go, let me tell you something. I want you to do something as you, for everybody that you make look beautiful today, understand that they're borrowing a little bit of your beauty.

Okay? I will. Thank you. Their beauty tomorrow for Mother's Day and everything else, all these women that you're taking care of and men, whoever, they're going to look great but they're borrowing your beauty because you're doing this as a way of just expressing what's in your heart and I want you to just kind of rejoice in that with every hit of a hair you touch, bless them, pray over them and watch what God does in you. You know, that's kind of how I've approached this job ever since I've been doing it and this year will be 36 years. I love that.

I love that. Anything you do, anything that you put your hands to, if you do it for the glory of the Lord, it'll be honored and you'll be successful and that's one thing I can offer to people that if you're not happy in your work, change it to that perspective. That is a great word and I want you to just enjoy the day.

As you do this throughout the day, every time you feel the need to just tense up a little bit, just realize that you are pushing beauty out. There are people that tomorrow will be feeling better about themselves because they saw you today. You're actually making a difference in so many people's lives and I hope that will fill your heart with joy knowing that, you know what, all this pain that you're dealing with, it does have purpose, that God is weaving something in you.

He's excavating your heart to be even bigger than it already is so that you can be filled with more of His heart and you're touching people who, you know, you never know who's going to sit in your chair sometime, what they're going through and because you understand what it's like to weep and to trust God in dark places, you're able to impart that to people and that means something, okay, that really means something and would you keep that in your mind that that is not just your job, that is also a ministry that you're doing this. I definitely will and I want to tell you though, your book, I've read it twice through and you say some things that just hit home to me that no one else has ever said and sometimes when you're living in this and as long as I have this here with 40 years, people don't know what to say to you unless they've walked through it and so just to have somebody who understands that. Well, you know, I've learned in my years, Janine, I've learned to speak fluent caregiver but it's our Savior's native tongue and He really knows what to say and He does, He just knows what to say and so listen to His voice and He'll speak to you in ways that you don't really expect sometimes, that I've learned and I'm just proud of you, Janine, I really am and I'm just grateful, I'm grateful that I get to know you a little bit and I know that our audience is listening and they're drawing encouragement from you too because you're not bitter, you're not over there just gripping the steering wheel and screaming and yelling and hollering. I mean, I'm sure, I know I've done that in my life and I'm sure there's been moments with you but you know what, you're working through all this and you're making peace and yes you do and anybody with any kind of longevity in this understands that and you're doing it and just, you know, understand that today when you go to work, you got an awful lot of people going to be thinking about you while you're doing this and I'm going to, you know, and I'm going to ask those of you listening right now across the country, there are thousands and thousands and thousands of people listening and as you go through the day, I want you to remember that this mother, this is Mother's Day and this mother is taking care of her son who is dying, she knows he's dying, it's been a long, brutal journey and I'd ask you just lift her up today, why not and as God recalls her to your mind throughout the day, just continue to pray for her throughout this time. Lord loves a praying mama, Lord loves a praying mama and this is a praying mama and this is a woman who is bearing some difficult things and I want you to, I want you just to keep her in your hearts and prayers today and Janine, I want you to know that I'm just grateful for you and you call in, you call in anytime you want, honey, okay?

I shouldn't say honey on the air but I'm from South Carolina, I can't say that. You may be hearing from me a whole lot this next few weeks but the doctors really don't know what to tell me but I will have to share a small miracle we had this week, his platelet doubled last Wednesday and nobody knows why except God, God did that. I think he knew that it was getting so hard to see him so uncomfortable and God gave me that, you know, he just, and he felt he's had two really good days and I'm so grateful, I'm so grateful. Well I, we share that gratitude with you and I want you to know that you can have two really good days too. And I plan to, I plan to, I really do try to find the joy in every little thing, just every little thing. If you just open your eyes and look around in the morning, the sun came up, it's springtime, it's beautiful, just, you know, even though things are hard, if you just open your eyes and look around you, you see joy in every corner of your life.

God puts it there for us when things are hard and we have to hold on to whatever joy brings and you get, you have to look for it sometimes but it's there. It's beautiful, beautifully said, there's a song that Gracie sings and it's out on our website at hopefullthecaregiver.com and go listen to it and it's You Must Believe in Spring and it's a beautiful song and it is a beautiful song and it's, but you're right, it's springtime in Tennessee, you're in Tennessee and it's springtime in Tennessee, the best time in Tennessee I think is springtime. I think so too, I think so too, I think so too. Janine, we've got, well thank you, God bless you and we've got to go to a break, we've got more to go here but thank you, now you go behave yourself at work today, okay? Thank you, bye bye.

You're quite welcome. Hey, this is Hope for the Caregiver, this is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver. We're also glad you're with us, 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840, we'll be right back. Hey this is Peter Rosenberger, have you ever helped somebody walk for the first time? I've had that privilege many times through our organization, Standing with Hope, when my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs following this horrible wreck that she had as a teenager and she tried to save them for years and it just wouldn't work out and finally she relinquished them and thought, wow, this is it, I don't have any legs anymore, what can God do with that? And then she had this vision for using prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel, to put legs on her fellow amputees and that's what we've been doing now since 2005 with Standing with Hope, we work in the West African country of Ghana and you can be a part of that through supplies, through supporting team members, through supporting the work that we're doing over there, you can designate a limb, there's all kinds of ways that you can be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking at standingwithhope.com. Would you take a moment and go out to standingwithhope.com and see how you can give and they go walking and leaping and praising God, you can be a part of that at standingwithhope.com. Welcome back to the show, For Caregivers, About Caregivers, hosted by a caregiver, this is Hope for the caregiver on American Family Radio, we're glad that you're with us, 888-589-8840.

Annalise in Arkansas, we'll go real quick, thank you for holding so long Annalise, I appreciate it. How are you feeling? I'm okay, the reason I was calling was- Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, back up, back up, that okay doesn't sound very okay, are you sure you're alright? Well that's because I have chronic migraines also, and so I was hoping to help Vera with her daughter, it is very hard, but you're absolutely right, she does need to see a mental health professional because migraines are associated with mental illness, especially depressive disorder or bipolar, and- Sometimes, and I got an email from, on the break, I got an email from a lady who said she had it because of a tick-borne event and they treated her with antibiotics, so I mean, it's kinda all over the map sometimes of what causes these things. Car wreck, right, anything.

Yep, car wreck, and I got a friend of mine who had that. Right, and people don't abuse it, oh you've got a headache, no it's not a headache, it's head pain, and you lay there for hours in such pain that even sometimes the pain medication doesn't even touch, and so you go to a deep dark place, and now that they've reduced our pain meds for the people that really need them, they've reduced them for everyone, I understand when her daughter said, if this is living, there's no quality of life, and I understand why she's saying that, and so it takes a strong strength to say, you know, but I, you know, I want to live, you know, and people say, well pray, and I pray that sometimes it's just, that's just what it is, as it was for Paul. She does need to get her daughter into some mental health, treat her as a daughter in the family, she's become another, the child in the family, again, living with her parents, and her parents are not, don't mean to, but probably treat her that way, and she's acting that way. If she gets a disability check, she should contribute to the household, if her mother is afraid she's taken too many sleeping pills, she should take over her medication, you know, and but again, she could talk to the mental health person also. Yeah, I think we're all in agreement that a mental health counselor, preferably an MD, it needs to be involved in this, and that's a good word, Annalisa, and thank you.

How are your migraines, by the way? I have very chronic, 15 or more a month, and also they have new medicine out that's like over $500 a month. My check's 771, that won't cover it, but maybe that, you know, if her and her husband can, I don't know, but I just live with it, and I can't tell you how many holidays I've missed and birthdays, and the people that, and I live alone, they love you, but they go on with their lives because there's nothing they can do for you, and so it's just something that you live with, and I've had it since 34, and I'm 62, so, but there is, I'm so very glad that she has her parents to help her, but they won't always be there, so, you know, she'll need to learn, as you said, to adjust to her life, or to get a support system, or her parents, you know. Yeah, she's going to have to carve out a life, she's going to have to carve out a life aside from her parents, otherwise when they die, it's all, you know, everybody's going on down the tubes at that point. Or they get sick, they're not able to take care of her, you know.

True, and it's going to affect, eventually this will, if it has it, it will affect their health. Yes, and they don't understand, a lot of people, they think it's just a headache, they don't understand how debilitating it is, and what a deep, dark place that it takes, when you're just laying there and you can't move, and you can't do anything, you know, it's just bad thoughts, and it's just pain, it's just pain, and I don't know how to, when I listen to your show, because I listen to AFR all the time, 24 hours a day practically, you know, and I think that what about the people that don't have caregivers, and have to deal with, you know, their own conditions like I do, and so that's why I listen to you, and you do give hope, and you do give good advice, or you try to, or at least give options to the people, and so, and bless you. Bless them for taking care of their family members, and bless you for caring enough to do it. Well, thank you very much, Annalise, and you have yourself a fabulous day, and I'm going to take a quick call here, I'm just going to go down the list, but thank you for calling, and thank you for listening, I do appreciate it very much. All right, let's go to Debbie in Ohio, Debbie, good morning, how are you feeling? Good morning, I feel really spent right now.

You sound it, and so what's going on, unfortunately, we're going to have to compress this into a little bit of a time slot here, so get right to the guts of it, what's going on with you? Sure, so I'm a middle-aged woman with two adult children with disabilities that I'm a caregiver for, not by choice, but my husband decided for us on a divorce a few years ago, and I think I'm still grieving that, I'm grieving the fact that I have the blessing of taking care of my two adult children with autism, and I was a contributing caregiver to my elderly parents the last several 10 years or so, and my dad passed away a month ago, and so I'm in need of full-time employment, but I'm not able to do that because of full-time caregiving for at least one of my sons, and I'm just really spent, and I don't know where to turn right now. Does your ex-husband contribute at all? He contributes financially through spousal support, he's been very reliable with regard to that, but I'd say in the last year, maybe, our children have spent maybe 10 nights with him in the last year, he travels for work a lot and so he's out of town a lot, and pretty much on a Saturday, he'll come and pick them up at 8 o'clock in the morning and bring them back at 4 o'clock in the evening, so that happens more often than not, but that's pretty much it at this point. How old are they? The one is 20, just turned 25, and the other one's 24. How far on the spectrum are they, are they incapable of functioning in any type of self-care role of anything, or what? They are able to feed themselves, bathe themselves, get dressed, that's pretty much it, the one is higher functioning, he's able to work part-time, he doesn't drive, but we have transportation services set up now through our County Board of Developmental Disabilities to get him to and from where he needs to go, but he's not able to live independently, and then the other one is more impaired, he spends his part of the day, Monday through Friday, at a day program, he's not able to be at home by himself at all, but he is able to again feed himself and dress himself, so that's helpful. Are they able to help with housework or anything like that? Can they help with the housework? Yes, yes, they both know how to run the washing machine and the dryer, and they know how to, well the one at least knows how to boil hot dogs, if he wants hot dogs for dinner, what about making their bed and that kind of stuff?

Yes, yes, they do know how to make their beds, and they do that, but vacuuming, they're both really hypersensitive with their hearing, so they don't, they can't, they have difficulty tolerating the loud sound of a vacuum cleaner, the one has an extreme fear of flames, so he doesn't cook, other than putting something in the microwave, the other one is unsafe around flames, so he can't be taught to cook, so it's kind of splinter skills all over the place between the two of them. Are you engaged in any type of autism thing in the state of Ohio, I know like I'm in Tennessee, we have wonderful autism statewide organizations here in Tennessee, are you engaged in anything like that in Ohio? Yes, to the extent that I'm available to, I do volunteer with the local autism support organization and their wonderful resources on their website that I look into sometimes looking for recreational activities and things like that, but I still feel as though I am, I don't know, cornered off from the rest of the world, because a lot of the people that I interact with on that site, they're in two family houses, they have a spouse to be there with them and to help get to and from events and things like that, and I just feel so sheltered a lot of times. Sheltered is not the right word, you're not really sheltered, you're isolated, and I get that, you're cut off, and I get that, and how long have you been divorced?

Divorced since 2016, but he moved out of the house in 2012, and he told me he didn't want to be married anymore in 2007, so basically divorced in 2007. You've been emotionally disconnected from any type of spousal support for some time. Do you get counseling for yourself? No, I just don't have, no I don't, I know I should, but I don't feel like I have time so much of what I do. Well, wait a minute, you told me that one of the boys goes at least to a daycare situation.

Yes, and then I'm at work part time, as soon as he leaves, I go to my part time job and then I get back home before he gets back home, and so that's the day, that's Monday through Friday. I'm going to tell you something that's kind of hard, and I don't mean it to be harsh, but I'm going to mean it to be firm, and I've only got just minutes to do it. You're going to have to make time for some counseling for yourself, okay? You're just going to have to make time for it, whether it's taking off time for your part time job, whatever, your husband's going to have to come over and take care of these kids, whatever he's got to do, you're going to have to make time because you do need some real help to punch through this grief and so forth that's crippling you, and it's going to continue crippling you as you continue to stay in this isolation, and the only way you're going to get through this is you're going to have to have some help. You're going to have to have some professional help, and that's the only way, okay? There's no other way. You're not going to be able to white knuckle yourself through this, but you can get it.

There is a path, but it's a very, very narrow path, and it's going to be treacherous and you're going to need some real professional help to guide you down that path, okay? Now, we're right here at the end of the show, and I hate that for you, but you can call back anytime you want, okay? Okay. Thank you. All right, but make an effort to get a referral to a professional counselor, okay? Okay, I will. All right, we got to run. This is Peter Rosenberger. There's more at HopeForTheCaregiver.com. We'll see you next week.