Defending Your Faith ...to Yourself!

Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio. I am your host, Peter Rosenberger.

We are glad to have you with us. This is the show for the family caregiver, those who are putting themselves between a vulnerable loved one and even worse, disaster. Somebody who has a chronic impairment. Now, a lot of people, when they think of caregivers, they think of nursing homes and aging and that kind of thing. And that's a part of it.

That's legitimate. However, on this show, we expand that. We talk about those who are dealing with special needs children. We're talking about those who are dealing with mental illness, with some type of trauma, with all types of different addiction issues, whether it's alcoholism and drugs, whatever. Anything where there's a chronic impairment, there's a caregiver who is putting themselves between that loved one and even worse, disaster. Now, how do you help those people? And why should you help those people? Well, what happens to that impaired loved one if the caregiver is not in a good place?

Physically, fiscally, emotionally, professionally, spiritually, what happens? And we are committed to helping strengthen that caregiver because we know it's a two for one deal. If you strengthen the caregiver, you give the impaired loved one a fighting chance. If you give the caregiver a fighting chance, they're in a position where they can help that loved one. But if you don't address the needs of the family caregiver, it's a two for one deal going the other way and you're going to lose that, both individuals, on some level. And there are millions and millions and millions of people that are dealing with this. There are over 50 million people right now with disabilities. You look at the aging population of what's going on in our country as we have 10,000 people a day stepping into retirement status. 92% of people want to age in their own home.

How is that going to be possible without a family caregiver? And then you have the alcoholism issue going on. Alcoholism and addiction, chronic diseases. Now people may stop drinking, they may stop using, but they're going to have to work a recovery program for the rest of their life.

And it's going to be a journey for them and the people around them. Mental illness. If you get a child born with special needs like autism, these are not terminal diseases or terminal diagnosis. And yet they are affecting the family. Down syndrome. Name it, just go down the list of all the things, of all the impairments.

It doesn't have to be something that's going to cause somebody to die immediately. In fact, most of the situations involving caregivers linger out for years and years and years. How are you doing with this? If this is where you are, there are 168 hours in a week. This is the hour for you as a caregiver.

How are you holding up? You're putting yourself between a vulnerable loved one and even worse disaster. And that's what this show is all about. If you want to be a part of the show, 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840, you can call into the show and we'd love to have you here. Also, you can follow along on Facebook Live at Hope for the Caregiver. And you can also go to our website at Hopeforthecaregiver.com where you can see our podcast and everything that we podcast the show. And you can subscribe to it as a free podcast.

And there are all kinds of things out there that we talk about, blog posts, music that we've got, books, and so forth. Hey, just one little piece of updated news. Tomorrow morning on Sunday, I think, Jim, what is today? Is today the 29th?

Yeah, that's it. We just recently moved to Montana and I'm still trying to figure out where everything is. But I've got an article that's going to hit on foxnews.com tomorrow that you may enjoy.

And I'll give you the title of it. It's a little provocative, but it says, America is more beautiful than Washington DC. And as my wife, Gracie, and I were driving across the country, we've moved out here to Southwest Montana from Nashville. And I just, I couldn't help but just see how beautiful America truly is. And I think that part of the problem we're having in Washington is that we get too many people that are trying to restructure or govern our country, but they don't see our country. And it's a beautiful place. And, and the people are beautiful and you got to get to know them, but it's kind of hard to, uh, uh, to help meet the needs and see the plights of people that you don't get out there and touch and see. And I think too many people in Washington are sequestered in Washington behind cameras and so forth. And, uh, they miss talking and seeing people unless it's opportunistic. And so that, that evidently the folks at Fox news thought it was a pretty good article and they're running it tomorrow.

So you can see that in the opinion section tomorrow, and then we'll put it out on the, uh, our social media and so forth to follow that. Hey, I want to jump into some, I was having a thought this morning, which is always kind of a dangerous thing for me, but I was, uh, uh, I was thinking about when things kind of go awry, what do you do? How do you, um, battle back from a defeat or, or difficult times? And I was thinking about sports teams. Uh, I don't normally use a lot of sports analysis, but, uh, cause they get, everybody seems to do that, but are both of our sons played, um, ball and school baseball and high school, uh, football and so forth. And I was noticing though, when, when, when teams are trying to build something and certainly build back from something, they don't come up with trick plays. They go back to the fundamentals in baseball, you're going to learn to throw, hit, catch, run, and you're going to do that over and over and playing as a team. You don't come up with trick plays.

You, you simply go back to the fundamentals and you drilled those things down over and over. I remember when, um, when Lou Holtz took over the university of South Carolina Gamecock football program, I'm originally from South Carolina and, and I was, um, uh, I heard this story that they, they showed up and, and they kind of got in the huddle and then they clapped and went to the line, but, but they kind of just all sauntered to the line. They didn't really do it as a team and he stopped practice and he made them huddle up, clap in unison and walk to the line in unison.

And he did that over and over and over throughout the day. And it, it, it seemed like there would be a small thing, but to Lou Holtz, who has a significant history as a winning coach, uh, that was not a small thing. And so I thought about the fundamentals of teamwork, of precision, of discipline and anchoring ourselves in, in those fundamentals. And as caregivers, sometimes I think we can get lost. We can get ourselves, um, blown all which way. It's hard to know which way is up.

So we have to go back to the fundamentals. And when you, when you are dealing with suffering in another human being and you are struggling to watch someone deteriorate either mentally or physically or, or live with a lot of pain. In my case, my wife lives with so much pain. Uh, she had a traumatic accident back in 1983 that is, um, you know, has lifelong implications. I mean, her surgery count is over 80, both legs are gone and her body's broken and she lives with a lot of pain. And, um, when you have to watch this over and over and over and over again, or you watch somebody, a child with special needs and, and they're struggling and you know that you're never going to be able to do things with them. And we had a guest on last week with her daughter was 27. She knows that, you know, her husband's never going to walk her daughter down the aisle.

That prom was never going to be a factor. You know, those kinds of things. Those, those are hard things. Uh, and when you get that way, you go back to the fundamentals. I have found in my life, you go back to the fundamentals because I think we start asking those, why God questions that we torture ourselves was somehow thinking that we can ask God why this is going to happen. And somehow we're going to get an answer that we're going to understand, and it's going to make us smack our forehead and say, Oh, Oh, okay.

Well, that makes me feel better. And now I, okay, God, now I know why you did that. And if you go back in the book of Job, you know, you had 38, uh, uh, almost 30 something chapters over 30 something chapters where God allowed bad theology to be on display in scripture as Job's friends tried to speculate on why this was happening to him.

And at the end of it, God shows up and God never told Job why it was happening. We're not going to know why some things, but we go back to the fundamentals of what we do know, what anchors us, what keeps us solid, what we do know, what do you know as a caregiver? What do you know? We're going to talk about it when we come back at 888-589-8840. We'll be right back. Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver.

I am Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver. The nation's number one show for the family caregiver. We're here for you as a caregiver to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. How are you feeling?

888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. I think a lot of times we were talking about going back to the fundamentals for us as caregivers. I think a lot of times we as caregivers get so disoriented in this journey. I mean, we still don't know which way's up sometimes.

And, and it's hard to kind of find solid footing. What do you believe? Why do you believe it?

How can you function in this? And we talk a lot about defending our faith. And are we prepared to go out and talk about our faith to the world? But are we prepared to defend our faith to our own hearts? One of my favorite verses in scripture is when David and his men were coming back and they, they had gone off to battle and while they were gone, the Malachites came in and took everything from them.

Their women, their children, their animals, everything, just took it all. And David's own men, you know, rose up to stone him. And David, it said, strengthened himself of the Lord. I mean, his own men were, had rocks and they were getting ready to pummel this guy and kill him. And, and he strengthened himself of the Lord.

Are we prepared to do that for our own hearts as we are being pummeled by the things that we deal with as caregivers? And I was referencing in the last break there about Job. You know, Job had all these things happen to him.

And then his friends show up. One of my favorite verses in scripture is Job 2 13, where it says that, you know, they sit there silent with him for seven days. A lot of times people can't be silent with us for seven minutes, but these guys sit there. They were so aghast by what happened to Job.

They sit there silent with him for seven days. And then all the theological wheels came off when these guys started talking and started speculating about why God was doing this and why God was doing that and so forth. And God allowed this in scripture to be displayed for 30 plus chapters. Go back and look at it of these guys with bad theology. And, and God allowed it for whatever reason and to show it. And then at the end of this whole episode, God shows up and never told Job why he had to go through what he was going through.

Never told him. And I think when we face suffering in our life, relentless suffering that just doesn't seem to go away, we ask those why God questions. And I get that.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I get it. Gracie and I have gone through this, but three plus decades of this has driven home the point to us that the why God questions really don't satisfy. They don't, what's he going to tell us? What's he going to say that's going to make us go, oh, okay, good.

Now I feel better. We know why that she's had to have 80 surgeries and her legs amputated. That she lives with relentless pain that's not going to go away. You know, those things aren't going to anchor us, but if we go back to the, go deeper and go into the fundamentals of our faith.

And what are the fundamentals of our faith? Are you prepared to defend that to your own heart? Can you look at yourself and say, okay, heart, I'm going to strengthen you in the Lord in the midst of this while you're watching a loved one with Alzheimer's just absolutely go off a cliff. While you've got a family member who's an alcoholic that will not stop drinking and causing chaos with every relationship around them.

While you have a child with special needs that seizes all the time. I mean, I just go down the list. Are you prepared to strengthen yourself in the Lord and anchor yourself in the fundamentals?

And are you soliciting people around you who can help you do that? You know, American Family Radio, that's what every day 24 seven is programming to help strengthen you in these fundamentals and people that come up and want to tell you, they know why things are happening with you. You know, kind of give them a wide berth. I don't really listen to people like that anymore. They don't know.

And they'll probably lie about other things too, because that's not the point. We need people in our lives will come up and anchor us in solid ground and help us get back to a place where we can stand securely and catch our breath. And let's start with the basics. You know what? We're sinners. We're sinners that live in a sin filled, broken world. That's not going to change until Christ comes back. And every one of us are broken. And just because what happens, I think it becomes convenient for us as caregivers, at least for me, to be distracted by Gracie stuff, that it consumes me, that it doesn't, that it somehow distracts me from dealing with my stuff. You know, I'm just as broken as she is, just on a different level.

And we all are. And that's the whole point of the gospel is that we cannot save ourselves. We cannot fix this. And as caregivers, sometimes I think we get keenly aware of something that maybe others don't as much because we run into something that just cannot be fixed. And we're relentlessly faced with it.

I mean, it's just not going to go away. And we look at it every single day and we try to push ourselves and push ourselves and push ourselves to do it. And then after several years, in my case decades, it kind of dawns on us that this is beyond us. This is just beyond us. And that's not a bad place to be theologically when we realize that we're up against something that we can't control. I think it's that illusion of control that we think we have that is very dangerous for us.

But when we come to that place where we realize we can't control this, we are broken people in a broken world with no way of being able to unbreak ourselves, to heal ourselves back up. I was sitting on a plane one time with this guy. And he was going to a place, I think it was in Minnesota, some place where there was a big headquarters for a cult. And he was reading a book about it. He's going up there trying to make his pilgrimage to this place. And I asked him about what his cult believed.

And he didn't call it a cult, but it was. And he said, well, we look inwardly to ourselves and we become our own savior. And I stopped him right there and I said, oh, no, brother, that ain't gonna work for me. I've seen my work. I don't want to be my own savior. I've seen what I can do and how bad I can mess this up.

I need something better than me to do this. And he looked at me really puzzled. And I shared with him about why I look to Christ because I said, I need a savior.

I need a savior. As a caregiver, do you get to that point where you realize that you cannot undo this? You cannot fix this?

Not just your loved one's brokenness, but your brokenness. See, these are the fundamentals of our faith that we are incapable of restoring ourselves in this regard. And David modeled that for us. He ministered to himself. He refreshed himself. He restored himself in the Lord, but not in his own strength. And Paul echoed that years, centuries later when he said, I can do all things to Christ who strengthened me.

He didn't say I can do all things by myself. And as caregivers, I think sometimes we try to tackle so much. We're pushing ourselves to the brink that we end up collapsing.

Now, if you haven't collapsed yet as a caregiver, give it time. And if you have, you understand what I'm talking about. It's only a matter of time. And so when we anchor ourselves back in these truths of the gospel, okay, number one, we are broken. We are broken sinners in a sinful world. And you can't understand the message of the gospel until you understand the message of our sin. It's hard to cry out to a savior you don't think you need. And I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about this, and I think so many of us spend so much time trying to tell ourselves, well, we're good people, we're this, this, and that.

No, we're not. If you think you're a good person, try being a caregiver for a couple of decades. You'll figure out real quick you ain't. Because there's nothing, there is nothing like taking care of somebody who suffers for a lengthy period of time to expose the gunk that's in your own soul. And if you haven't seen it, just wait.

It'll come. And those of you who have done it understand what I'm talking about. And you see yourself and you hang your head in shame and frustration. And that's when we need to go back and anchor ourselves back in our fundamentals. Anchor ourselves and understand that we are all broken. And Paul said that so beautifully in Romans 7, when he said, you know, I do the things that I don't want to do, and I don't do the things that I want to do. Who can save me from this body of death? You ever feel that way as a caregiver? That you just, you just hang your head.

I do the things that I don't want to do, and I don't do the things that I know that I want to do. Who can save me? And then he just declares with, with such emphatic enthusiasm, it is the man, Christ Jesus. And it's into that level of brokenness and even more that the gospel comes into us as caregivers. It says, look, you're not here to fix this. It's beyond you. There's a different role that you play here. And I want to teach you things in it. You know, he uses suffering.

C.S. Lewis says suffering is God's megaphone. And he uses suffering in our life to chisel away at things, to, to, to bring us to a deeper knowledge of him. I don't know why he does it.

I don't particularly like that he does it, but I know that he does do it. And if you look through all of scripture, you'll see over and over where hardship and pain and difficulties and loss and suffering are part of the, the, the, the process of, of going deeper into God's relationship with God through Christ, even Christ learned obedience through suffering, but for the glory set before him he endured it. These are the fundamentals of our faith. How are you doing? 888-589-8840. You need somebody to, to stand with you as you encourage yourself in the Lord. You need that today.

Give us a shout, a shout right now. 888-589-8840. 888-589-8840. This is Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg and we'll be right back. Welcome back to the show For Caregivers. Hosted by Caregiver. Designed for caregivers.

I'm Peter Rosenberg. I am your host and I'm glad you're with us. This is Hope for the Caregiver on American Family Radio. If you want to be on the show, 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. And we're talking about defending your faith to yourself as a caregiver. You know, a lot of times I've found that folks have all the right words to go out there and they say it in public. You know, I've had people call in the show and say, how are you feeling?

Well, I'm blessed, I just hate my mama. You know, they talk in the God talk, but do they talk to the God talk to themselves? Do they properly speak to their own heart like David did at Ziklag when his men were going to stone him? Do they encourage themselves in the Lord? Do you know how to do that as a caregiver in those late night conversations with the ceiling fan when you are struggling, when you are just so frustrated, so angry, so despairing?

Do you know how to do that? Do you have people around you that can do that? I was looking at a comment that my friend Tammy posted on Facebook Live.

You can follow the show on Facebook Live on Hope for the Caregiver at Facebook. And I love what she said, a lot of crud comes out, up and out, up and out before you get to self-realization of our constant need for God. And I think that we caregivers sometimes function as high, you know, multitaskers and we're moving around trying to do everything. And we don't realize just how needy we are before God. And we don't realize our own brokenness. We're just as broken. We're just as much in need of a Savior as our loved one. But we're so busy trying to carry someone to Jesus that we don't realize how much we need Jesus ourselves. Is that you as a caregiver?

Is that where your headspace is? If so, this is the place for you. We speak fluent caregiver here. I've been doing this for 33 years as a caregiver. We speak fluent caregiver here, but guess what? I got a better news for you. It's our Savior's native tongue.

That's who He is. And there's things going on in your life. There are broken things in your life that I know, and Scripture teaches us throughout all of Scripture that He's interested in working out in your life. Yes, I know your loved one's needs are pressing, but just because they're acting out in a way if they have a mental illness and they act out in a way that is causing distress, if they stop acting out in that way, it's not going to necessarily make your life all better.

If they stop using or abusing alcohol or using drugs, that's not going to make it all go away for you. If your loved one gets out of pain today, if the cancer is gone, you still have you to deal with, and you're seeing as a caregiver some of the things that are lurking in the bottom of your soul. Now, how do we deal with those things? What does the gospel look like in that? You know, He knows your name. We're so busy trying to shout out our loved one's name to Christ, He knows your name. Says it's engraved on the palm of His hand. Why is this important that we're having this conversation?

Because caregivers are so lost in someone else's story that they don't, that someone else's pain and suffering is obfuscating their own pain and suffering, and that needs to be dealt with too. And we have a Savior that can do both. He's the ultimate multitasker. We're not.

We're poor imitations of it, but He can do both. Let's go to Lori in Texas. Lori, good morning. How are you feeling, Lori? I'm feeling overwhelmed. Well, what's going on?

Well, my husband has a lot of pain, and now he has a lot of itching all over his body with the liver disease, and I would like to know how I can handle the pain and suffering that he is going through without letting it overwhelm me so that I can help him. I almost feel like I have to separate myself from that in some way. You do. You do.

And this is an area that I truly get. My wife's not known to date without this kind of pain in the 33 years of our marriage, and she's been doing this with, she's been hurt for 36 years. And you do. You sometimes have to separate yourself while there are tears streaming down your face, and sometimes you have to turn your face, and you just have to catch your breath away from him sometimes. It is a hard thing to watch someone suffer. And there are times when your fists are just clenched, and you just want to just, you are so angry about it, and you feel so helpless about it.

I get that. But you have to understand, you didn't cause this, and you cannot fix this. And you – you – I go back to it – this is what, for me, this is what I learned a principle through this a long time ago. And I have to remind myself.

Again, we're talking about the fundamentals today, and I have to remind myself of this. But our son, when he was three years old, was at preschool, and he fell off a thing at the playground and cut his chin pretty badly. And we went over there, we got him, we took him to his pediatrician, and he needed a couple stitches in his chin. And so the pediatrician, I held him, they numbed up his chin, and then they sewed him up. And I was looking at our son, and he was just screaming bloody murder. I mean, he was terrified, he was just – he was so distraught. And there's no way that I can explain to him stitches, infections, antibiotics, anesthesia. I mean, there's no way I can explain any of these things to him.

He's three. And I just held him. And while the doctor was doing this, and I just kept looking into his eyes that were filled with big old tears, and I kept saying, it's okay, daddy's here, daddy's here, it's okay, daddy's here, it's going to be all right.

And then after it was over, I just held him. I know me, Laurie, I know me, I know what a lousy sinner I am. And if I can do that, imagine how much more our Heavenly Father does to you, not just to your husband, to say to you, Laurie, it's okay, daddy's here. And he's watching this with you.

He's not unaware of this. And for whatever reason, this is the journey your husband has to go through, and this is the journey you have to go through. I do not understand it. I don't like it. It's the journey Gracie and I have to go through.

Do not like it. That's comforting to know that God sees and is aware of my husband's pain and what I'm going through. I promise you He is, Laurie. I promise you He is.

That's 33 years of this. I promise you He is. It's just not easy. And this is why I do the show. You're why I do the show. Because I know how lonely these places are when you watch someone suffer, like you're having to watch. I know how lonely this is. And I want you to know that you're not alone in this.

And that there is a place for you to get to that solid ground, for you to breathe when you realize, okay, this is just awful. But it is not yours to fix. And you can care for your husband. You can't. You truly cannot.

Neither can I. And you can care for them and you can love them. And one of the ways that you're going to care for him best is to help yourself get some air, to strengthen yourself in the Lord in this, to put good stuff into your own heart so that those moments come when it's just absolutely beating you down.

But just like David did, when his own men had stones and ready to kill him, he strengthened himself in the Lord. And chronic pain is a horrific thing to watch in another human being. It's a horrific thing to go through for certain.

And it's also horrific to watch. I know it helps my husband when I'm strong and positive and, you know, it'll be all right. I know that helps, that attitude helps him, but sometimes it's hard to find that.

It is. And that's not your responsibility, by the way. You can help him, but it's not your responsibility to make sure you're always that way for him. And you can do certain physical things in the house. Sometimes with my wife, she has creature comfort things that you can do, you can help with.

Softer music, a lot of loud noises tend to be a problem. There's a lot of food things you can eat that'll help with inflammation or pain type of things. There's just diet, physical things you can do, emotional things you can do, spiritual things you can do. But I promise you that he's not abandoning you in this thing. And there are other people not going to necessarily understand it until you've lived it. Until you've lived this, you are not going to get this, but you're living it and you understand it. And it is a hard thing to watch someone suffer. But it's also a hard thing for you to suffer in silence on this. And you have to realize how vulnerable you are in this moment to despair and everything else.

And so you better serve your husband when you're doing what is necessary to care for your own heart, for your own body, for your own spirit. Yeah. Okay. So I did a CD called hope for the songs for the caregiver, and you can go listen to it online. You can go out to our website and listen to it. Just listen to some of the music.

Let me play for you. And Gracie's singing a few songs of this. There's one you can hear it. Balm and Gilead. And she sings this. Starts off with be still my soul, and then it goes into Balm and Gilead. Best arrangement I biased, but it's the best arrangement of that hymn I've ever heard because it was sung by somebody who's in pain. Gracie's a no kidding singer. I mean a no kidding singer. And we did this arrangement of this together.

And I did it just for people who are just suffering. And I remember when she sang this and she did it live to track. Jim's playing it right now.

Just, I'll tell you what, listen to her sing it. And then we'll go to the break. Don't go away. So four caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is hope for the caregiver.

This is Peter Rosemergen. I'm glad you're with us. My wife, Gracie singing Balm and Gilead. And Lori, you still with me?

Yes, I am. That song, she sang that in her wheelchair live to track. Now what that means is that there was no editing on her voice.

We just played it. The two of us played it piano vocal together. And she did that live to track.

One take. And she was sitting there and my friend Chris Latham came over to the house. She's a Grammy award winning engineer in Nashville and came over to the house and he ran a cord into the kitchen where she was there and it blocked off there. And I was at the piano room and she's sitting there with the dog sitting beside her and just saying Balm and Gilead. Sometimes I feel discouraged and my days are filled with pain. And I rearranged that section and kind of added that little bit to it because we understand what it's like to go through those kinds of things. And it's hard to watch someone suffer.

And I am so glad that you took the time to call this morning just to be able to hear someone else who understands what you're going through and to say he has not abandoned you. And it doesn't mean that you're going to go and have just, you know, rainbow and sunshine the rest of the day here or tomorrow or anything else. It means that you're going to go back and you're going to watch your husband deal with harsh realities.

So am I. I'm going to go back and watch Gracie deal with harsh realities. It's the way it is. But we don't have to do it alone. And we don't have to do it without any hope. And we anchor ourselves back in the fundamental that there is a balm in Gilead. That balm of soothing balm would recognize this is not the end of the story.

And it is necessary for you to do to keep yourself healthy this and for you to be able to breathe and offer him the comfort that you want to be able to do it but you can't do it on an empty tank. Yeah. And so are you involved in a good church situation? Yes I am. Good. That's good. Does your pastor know what you guys are going through?

I believe so, yes. Yes, he'll come and talk to my husband sometimes. He's a good friend. Does he know what you're going through? I don't know that he understands it himself but. Well ask him to listen to my show.

Okay. And I'll help give him the vocabulary. I'm on a real passion mission here to help pastors understand the vocabulary of what it looks like and sounds like to talk to a caregiver. Because a lot of times they don't.

They'll come and visit your husband but you're there too. And it's hard to sit in a pew while everybody else is singing victory in Jesus and you're thinking I don't get it. I understand that. And so I wanted to just have that conversation with you and just keep you on a little bit longer just so you just have another voice that just says to you hey you know what?

You're not alone in this. And here's how I've learned. Here's what I've learned through it and here's what I'm learning through it. And by the way my audio book. I'm not trying to oversell something. It's less than the price of a Happy Meal. But you get the audio book of Hope for the Caregiver.

And download it and just listen to it. It's short chapters. None of these things I do are complex. They're easy to read, easy to understand. They're written for people who are in the midst of craziness that don't have time to read War and Peace. They're living through too much war.

There ain't much peace. And so I wanted to be able to provide things in my blog post and the music that I have out there. Take advantage of it Lori. Just take advantage of it and just keep listening to the show. The podcast is free.

Download it. You know what? This whole conversation we'll put it out there on the podcast a little later and you can listen to yourself and me have this conversation. I love your book Hope for the Caregiver. It is very helpful. Well thank you.

And I remember when I turned that into the publisher, the Final Manuscript and I thanked them because I said this is going to help other people who are in such despair. They're so discouraged. They feel so cut off. They feel so ignored.

They feel so alone. And I'm on a mission to let them know that they're not. I can't count how many people have asked me about my wife Gracie over the years. But I can count the ones that ask about me. And I bet you're the same way aren't you?

Yes. I have problems sometimes. I go to church but I usually go late and leave before the people come out because to be honest it bothers me. They all say how is your husband?

How is he doing? And that overwhelms me. How do I tell them oh he's worse? And see that look on their face? Sometimes I give stock answers to people that are not really within my certain circle. And I'll say you know she's doing better than she was but she's not where she'd like to be kind of thing or whatever I need to say to be able to kind of exit around because I don't need to read out her chart to just everybody. I'm too much out in the public eye and so is she for me to sit there and give an itemized list of what she's going through. And you don't need to do that either. But you do need to cultivate those friends around you that you can share those things with.

That it's a safe environment for you to do so. Support groups and things like that. Counseling I recommend. You know all those kinds of things are available that I would recommend and are worthy of your time in doing. And you know what?

You could always call in here. Because my first question to you is always going to be how are you feeling? I know your husband's in pain. I know his situation. I can almost you know describe it for you.

Uncannily describe it for you. Because I've lived with it so long. And it's not that I don't care about him.

But I know that he doesn't have much of a fighting chance at all if you're in a bad place. Yeah. And this is your time.

Just to kind of just say I need somebody to let me know I'm not going nuts. Yeah. And you know what?

You're not. What you're dealing with. It's okay that you understand. I do. But more than I understand, he understands.

Yeah. He really does. And he is not unsympathetic to this. He is not uncaring and he is not unaware and he is not unavailable in this. And every one of his promises means something.

It's not going to come in the time frame that we always want it to be. But that's when we go back to the fundamentals. For this we know that truly all these things do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purposes. That's a hard scripture for those of us who are watching this.

But we can anchor ourselves in that knowing that okay, he who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it to the day of Christ Jesus. And those scars in his hands mean something. Your husband's injuries, my wife's scars, all of her body, those things are not permanent.

One day she will have all of this taken away from her. But his scars are permanent and those scars mean something. And in those bleak moments when you are just, you're just pulling your hair out, you just truly can't, don't feel like you can go on. I want you to remember that, that his scarred hand is holding onto your scared hand.

I promise you it is. And you call anytime you want, Laurie, okay? Okay, thank you so much Peter. We chronic pain spouses, we have our own unique languages, we chronic pain spouses, and so you call anytime you want. And it means so much that you took the time to trust us with your pain this morning, okay?

Okay, thank you. Thank you, Laurie. All right, let me see if I can go to Vicki in Mississippi. Vicki, good morning, how are you feeling? Good morning, how are you? I'm fine. What's going on with you? Tell me how you're feeling.

I'm great. I called you several months ago about my mother had died and left the house to my son and my son was abusive and using drugs. Yes, you did.

Taking my food, yeah. Well, a couple of weeks after that, I was in my room and I heard him just beating the crap out of his girlfriend, so I just walked outside and called the police. Good for you.

Yeah, they came and arrested him. Good. Took him off, he was out the next day and he was angry and I said, every time you come here, the very first time you raise your voice or you get abusive, I'm calling again. I'm done with this. I have gave you to God.

I can't do anything with you and you are grown. You know where your help is if you need it. He left and went to his daddy's and he walked like 10 miles from his daddy's to my house the next week and told me he was so sorry. He has been on the road to recovery. He's even going to the VA, to the in-house treatment program next month.

We've had a couple of setbacks and when that happened, I just blocked him, blocked him on my phone, wouldn't let him in the house or anything else and it has just been amazing. You know, no is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence and you sound so much different than the last time we talked. Oh, I am.

How about that? And I, you know, he's had a couple of little jobs, you know, in that time and he just, he gets overwhelmed so easily. I don't know that he'll ever be able to actually hold a job, but that's why he's going to the VA so he can get, be service connected and get his disability so that he will have his own. Regardless of what happens to him, regardless of what happens to him, you're in a better place. Exactly. And that's, that's a good thing. You, you know, he, he may, may not make it, but you have to. And well, he said, I never, never thought you would stand up to me the way that you have. And he said, you know, I said, yeah, you were, you were so used to manipulating me and he's in fear against me. I said, I'm not afraid of you anymore. I said, if you kill me, I'll just go see my mama a little bit earlier.

I said, but what you're not going to do is stay here and torment me and make my life miserable. Amen. Vicki, you have made my day. Congratulations. You are well on your way to being a just, I'm so proud of you. I am just so proud of you. Thank you. Hey, this is hopeforthecaregiver.com. This is Peter Rosenberg. We'll see you next week. Thank you, Vicki.