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July 3, 2019 1:18 pm
Watching someone suffer with chronic pain remains a heartbreaking reality for so many caregivers. As a spouse of a chronic pain sufferer (Gracie's dealt with this for 36 years), I personally understand the frustration, despair, grief, and helplessness in watching a loved one suffer.
Laura called the show to share her difficulties as she watches her husband suffer. One of consistent challenges caregivers face in this particular journey is despair and feeling isolated and alone ...feeling that God has abandoned them.
We're not alone, and God hasn't abandoned us. Listen to the conversation.
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So for caregivers hosted by design for caregivers of Peter Rosenberg.
I'm your host, and I'm glad you with his hope for the caregiver on American family radio if you will be on the show.
888-589-8840 888-589-8840 and were talking about defending your faith to yourself as a caregiver you know we do a lot of times a fellow of the folks have all the right worse go out there and they say it in public.
You know I've had people call the saucer. How you feeling well. I'm blessed but I just take my mom you think they talking to God talk but do they talk with God talk to themselves delete delete properly speak to their own heart.
Like David did it stick leg with his men with stone or do they encourage himself in the Lord. Do you know how to do that is a caregiver in those late night conversations with the ceiling fan when you are struggling when you are just so frustrated, so angry, so despairing. Do you know how to do that. Do you have people around you that can do that.
I was like you have commented my friend Tammy posted on Facebook love you problem so Facebook love and hope for the Facebook and I love what she's a lot of crud comes out, up and out, up and out before you get to self-realization of our constant need for God and I think that we caregiver sometimes function is high. You multitaskers will move around. Try to do everything and we don't realize just how needy we are before God. We don't realize our own brokenness were just as broken when, just as much in need of a Savior as our loved one were so busy trying to carry someone to Jesus that we don't realize how much we need Jesus ourselves is that you as a caregiver is that where your headspace is. If so, this is the place for you. We speak fluent caregiver here I been doing this for 33 years as a caregiver we speak fluent caregiver here. But guess what I got a better news for its our Savior's native tongue. The two years and there's things going on in your life there broken things in your life that I know the Scripture teaches throughout all Scripture is interested in working out in your life.
Yes, I know your love ones needs are pressing, but just because they're acting out in a way if they have a mental illness. They act out in a way that is causing distress that they stop acting out of that way is nothing to say to make your life all better if they stop using or or or abusing alcohol or using drugs stucco make it all go away for you. If your loved one gets out of pain today. If the cancer is gone. You still have you to deal with in your seeing as a caregiver. Some of the things that are in that are working in the bottom of your soul. How we deal with things.
What is the gospel look like in that you know he knows your name were so busy try to shout out our loved ones named Christ he knows your name is engraved on the palm of his hand.
Why is this important. We have this conversation because caregivers are so lost in someone else's story that they don't that that that that someone else's pain and suffering is obfuscating their own pain and suffering and that needs to be dealt with to live a Savior that can do both. He's the ultimate multitasker we are not were poor imitations of what he can do both with good Lori in Texas.
Lori good morning how you feeling more overwhelmed with what's going on. Well, I a lot of a lot of itching all over his body with delivered and I would like to know how I can handle the pain and suffering that he is going through without letting it overwhelm me so that I can help him. I almost feel like you have to separate myself from that in some way you do. This is an area that I truly get my was not noted, the day without this kind of payment 33 years of our marriage.
She's been doing this with. She's been hurt for 36 years and you do you sometimes have to separate yourself other tears streaming down your face sometime just to turn your face and you just have to catch a breath away from him.
Sometimes it is a hard thing to watch someone suffer, and there times when his sister just clinched you just want to just you are so angry about it and you feel so helpless about it. I get that but you have to understand you didn't cause this.
And you cannot fix this and you you I go back to it. This is what for me this is what I learned a principal to this a long time ago and I have to remind myself again with some of the fundamentals they have to remind myself this but our son when he was three years old was at preschool and he fell off of the ring at the playground and cut his chin pretty badly and we went over there.
We got it. We took him to his pediatrician and he needed a couple stitches in his chin and so the pediatrician I held him while they they numbed up his chin and then they they sold them up and I was looking our son and he was just screaming bloodied murder when he was terrified. He was just he was so distraught and there's no way that I can explain to him stitches infections antibiotics and is the shaman is no way I can explain releasing since three and I just held him and Wally. While the doctor was doing this and I just kept looking into his eyes that were filled with bagel tears.
I kept saying it's okay that is here that easier okay that easier BRI than after was over, I just held out.
I know me Lori.
I know me, I know what what a lousy center.
I and if I can do that. Imagine how much more heavenly father does to you not just your husband to say to you, Lori. It's okay, daddy's here and he's watching this with you. He's not unaware of this and for whatever reason. This is the journey. Your husband has to go through in this is the journey you have to go through. I do not understand it. I don't like is the journey Grace you have to go through do not like it is no God, where he is a price and and what I'm going through. I promise you I promise you is this the S 33 years of this I promise you he is. It's just not easy and you this is why do the show you why do the show because I know how lonely these places are. When you watch someone suffer like you have your watch.
I know how lonely this is an II want you to know that you're not alone in this and that there is a place for you to get to that solid ground for you to breathe when you realize okay this is just awful, but it is not yours to fix and you can care for your you can you. You truly cannot. Neither cannot and you can care for them and you can love them and one of the ways you to go to care for him best is to help yourself get some air to strengthen yourself in the Lord in this to put good stuff into your own heart, so that those moments come when it is just absolutely beating you down.
That just like David did when his home in headstones admitted to killing strengthen himself in the Lord and chronic pain is a is a is a horrific thing to watch another human being is terrific and to go through for certain that it's also horrific to watch and I know when I'm strong and you know it'll be all right. I know that help could help him hard to find his that's not your responsibility. By the way, you can help it, but is not your responsibility to make sure you you you are always that way for him and you can do certain physical things in the house sometimes with with my wife.
She she has it in of creature comfort things that you can do you can help with softer music lot of loud noises tend to be a problem you can.
There's a lot of there's a lot of food things you can eat that will help with inflammation or pain type of things.
There's a little just diet your physical things you can do emotional things you could do spiritual things you can do, but I promise you that that it's it's he's not abandoning you in this thing and their other people.
Document Messerli understand it until you've lived until you've lived this you are not going to get this but your live and you understand and it is a hard thing to watch someone suffer, but it's also hard thing for you to suffer in silence on this and you have to realize how vulnerable you are in this moment to despair and everything else.
And so you you better serve your husband when you're doing what is necessary to care for your own heart your own body for your own spirit.
Okay so you know I did a CD called hope for the cells for the caregiver and you can go listen to it online, neglect or website and say listen to just listen. Some of the music limit. Let let let me play for and and Gracie sing a few thousand visitors one you can hear balm in Gilead and she sings this starts off with.
Be still my soul. And that goes in the balm in Gilead best arrangement I biased, but it's the best arrangement of that hymn of ever heard because it was sung by somebody centigrade she's no Kim Singer made a new kid in sing and we did. This arrangement of this together and it is I did just for people who are just suffering in a member when she saying this that she did lab the track Jim's plane right now just listen to her sing will go to the break going balm in Gilead and Lori still with me that song she saying that in wheelchair live to track now that what that means is that there was no editing on her voice. We just plaited two of us played piano vocal together and she did that live to track one to an to sit there and my friend Chris Latham came over to the house he's in Grammy award-winning engineer Nashville and some of the house and he ran a court into the kitchen where she exerted blocked off there and I was at the piano room and and she said there with the dog sit beside her and just saying balm in Gilead.
Sometimes I feel discouraged and my days are filled with pain and III rearrange that section, added that little bit to it because we understand what it's like to go through those kinds of things and it's hard to watch someone suffer, and I am so glad that you took the time to call this morning just to be able to hear someone else who understands what you're going through and say he is not abandoning and it doesn't mean that you can ago would have just in a rainbow of sunshine's wrist the day here or tomorrow. Anything else it means that you can go back and you watch your husband deal with harsh realities. Soma will go back and watch Gracie deal with harsh realities of ladies, we want to do it alone and we don't do it without any hope that we anchor ourselves back to the fundamentals that there is a balm in Gilead that balm of soothing balm would rent recognize this is not the end of the story and it is necessary for you to do to keep yourself healthy.
This, and for you to be able to breathe and offer him the comfort that did you want to be able to do it but you can't do it on an empty tank and so are you involved in a good church situation. Good good is your pastor know what you guys going through, and time good friend this you know what you're going through.
I don't understand that but asking the listener must you and I'll help you out. Hope given the vocabulary among among a real passion mission here to help pastors understand the vocabulary of what it looks like and sounds like to talk to caregiver because a lot of times I don't know come and visit your husband but you. You're there to and it's hard it's hard to sit in the pew. While everybody else's sing and victory Jesus in your thinking. I don't get it why I got out I understand and and so I wanted to just you have that conversation with you just keep you one little bit longer.
Just so you just have another voice that just says to you hey you don't want. You don't, you're not alone in this, and here's how I've have learned here's what I've learned through it and here's what I'm learning through and by the way my audiobook mother try to oversell something it's it's less the price of a happy meal but you get the audiobook of hope for the and and downloaded just listen to it in its short chapters that none of these things I do are are complex there there easy to read easy-to-understand of the written for people who are in the midst of craziness. The don't have time to read war and peace the edge of their living through too much more than a much piece and and so I wanted to be able to provide things in my blog post and and the music that I have out there. Take advantage of it. Lori just take advantage of it and just keep listening the show. The podcast is free download. You know what this whole conversation will put it out there on the podcast will later you listen to yourself and me have this conversation has caregiver will very helpful with like you and II it. It was every member. When a turn that into the publisher of the final manuscript message and I thank them because I said this is going to help other people who are in such despair. There are so discouraged they feel so cut off. They feel so ignored they feel so alone and I am on a mission to let them know that they're not and in wheat we are weird. I can't count how many people have asked me about my wife Gracie over the years, but I count the was asked about me and I bet you the same way Archie that problem. I go to church people come out father all your husband.
How is he doing. I like how them. Sometimes I give stock answers to people that are not really within my certain circle now say you know you know she's she's doing better than she was. But she's not where she'd like to become a thing or whatever I need to say to be able to cut etc. because I don't need to read out her chart to every just everybody I'm too much out of the public eye and so is she for me to sit there and give an itemized list of what she's going through and you don't need to do that either, but you do need to have because you do need to cultivate those friends around you that that you can share those things with that that it that it's this a safe environment for you to do so. Support groups and things like that of counseling.
I recommend you all those kinds of things are available that that I would recommend and are worthy of your time and doing you know what you can always call it here because my first question to you is always good to be, how are you feeling I know your husband's in pain. I know he is situation. I can almost you don't describe it for you at uncannily described for because I live with us along is nothing. I don't care about him but I know that he doesn't have much of a fighting chance at all. If you're in a bad place in this is your time just to kind of just say and I need somebody to let me know. I'm not going nuts and you know what you not what you're dealing with. I do more than I understand he understands he really does. It is not unsympathetic to this is not uncaring and he is not unaware and it is not unavailable in this and every one of his promises mean something. It's not to come in the timeframe that we always wanted to be, but that's we go back to the fundamentals.
For this we know that truly all these things do work together for good to those who love God are called according to his purposes. That's a hard Scripture. For those of us were watching this. We can anchor ourselves, and that no and okay he who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it to the day of Christ Jesus, and those scars in his hands mean something your husband's injuries. My wife scars all of her body.
Those things are not permanent.
One day she will have all of this taken away from, but his scars are permanent. Those scars mean something. It is those bleak moments when you are just you're just pulling your hair out you are you you just truly can't don't feel like you go on. I which I once remember that that his scarred hand is holding onto your security. I promise you this. You call any time you want, Lori.
Okay chronic pain spouses wheat wheat we have is our own unique language us with chronic pain spouses and so you call anytime you want it. It means so much that you took the time to trust us with your paints morning okay thank you Lord