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"Helping my son care for my ex-husband who has a 'touch' of dementia but sill remembers to hate me."

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger
The Truth Network Radio
September 12, 2019 7:04 am

"Helping my son care for my ex-husband who has a 'touch' of dementia but sill remembers to hate me."

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger

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September 12, 2019 7:04 am

Caller from Sunday's HOPE FOR THE CAREGIVER on Sirius XM's Family Talk Channel shared how a tip from the show helped her recently. 

Her ex-husband requires care, and she gave her son a respite in caring for him, but even through his dementia ...he still remembered to hate her.

Able to laugh, while learning to "bite her tongue and like the taste of blood," she shared how a small tip (the Delta Doctrine) from the show helped her get through an uncomfortable situation. 

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Let's go to Trinity and South Carolina Trinity. Good afternoon, how you will object precious.

Are you feeling I'm feeling very good today. The reason I called if I wanted to say thank you. I one of your shows nebula six weeks ago. I think you are sharing about three things to think of it might've been your caregiver minute and the reason it meant a lot to me and I'll actually get to the point is that periodically I go and sit with my ex-husband. My son is his caregiver and the ex-husband has a touch of dementia, but he always remembers he does not like me at all and I walked into the house and he flared at me and I responded and your it was I think three things to remember in one of them was to drink. Drink a glass of water before you react, and I have just clung to that because when I flared back and I had to fix the problem and so just to pause before reacting. And I know better. But anyway I just want to say thank you for that will you're quite welcome. I get that because you know I got to the sport as a co-Whitewater Walt and Whitewater walking just wait just wait stands for.

Why am I talking you know because I'm breathing will it I am a member will still class for talkers called on and on and on and on and on and how how how are you can save about 10 is a photographer you go to get Ceci was the John Butler it's a I get that and I pop all the grace he will tell you I pop off all the time and I say things that shouldn't say and sometimes with the butter tones and learn to like the taste of blood but then when would you and when we drink some water and jobs. A huge water drink.

I'm on just a large person to begin with, but he is so tall he's never seen a sunset but would we we drink some water he gives us a chance to come to cool off and put something in her mouth. Besides words because somebody with a touch of dementia whose your ex-husband. That is not exactly a recipe for a calm afternoon. No, but I do it so that my son gets a breeder that he gets a reprieve not because I'm a good person.

I mean, I'll just put that one out there. I go back for a bit better now now now is I mean even if I'd heard that that three things before that event, I probably would have remembered at the time, but because it was so applicable it's still in my head because I remembered it for weeks and you know I have a head injury so I don't remember a whole lot else, but he made that good an impression on me and I just wanted to say thank you for that will you're quite welcome and I do things the simple things for reasons not because looking for people with interest. Remember looking for meter and then I I know me and I know that I will I will if I make this thing too complicated. I'll get messed up and that's what you know just the simple things like the fog of caregivers and obligation for your obligation and guilt and sin but but Whitewater. Walt just just little things we can remember because when it gets crazy in us not just for your love will know me know, it really isn't. It's not there been times when other than in the hospital with Gracie when it is just really dicey and you get nurses, it gets snippy to get a surgeon that was to come in there and just get all up in your business and it, and sometimes you gotta say things but if you could say things in a measured way and not in a reactive way, then work permit progress. I knew I was making progress.

When I look to the doctor was give me some lit with Gracie and he was getting all up in an interface about some stuff that I stopped and I said you know Doc and I wasn't mean about it but I was I was firm about it is a duck. With all due respect, ousting care of her when you were in junior high school will skip the second perspective you're okay and you could just see him dial it back but there been times though when I would want to react, and I won't get mad and that doesn't do anything with anybody with ex-husbands with doctors with anybody so absolutely will.

You are not taking my call. Will you thank you hello John Butler hello hello Trinity. It is always a pleasure to hear your voice and I am glad you remembered about the water stock that's just the thing is a a a you might have the snappy is to come back in the room and you might be the most clever. I know because I am but I am guilty of just who I can see this clever thing. The Hastings Lewis sarcasm here don't wish I it's bad like this is this is the best thing to say to scroll through and this person's day and I just I just know it's there. I see it and and to be able to not do that is say this is yeah we got a practice that it's it and that's with everything you get better at things by just doing it's it's you got John and I know I'm not. I've been avoiding adulthood for decades to and will you should know I do it like CS Lewis quote about that evening both.

Thank you very much Louise a double what was it Susan is a great there's a great CS Lewis quote about that and you know it's like somebody said it is that we are we are young adult mouse.

You should give up childish thing and there's something to be said for the applicant.

I can't know what it what the CS Lewis quote was but like workforce is like a paragraph he was a little wiser than I am.

I'm going back right now and doing the audiobook of Christianity of his book, which, what would you know those radio addresses. He did during the war I didn't know that I anything with him because he's now it's really good. It's worth the time. Please do you like it.

Now you want to circle back to to fear obligation and guilt, and I wanted to touch on this before we close up today about resentment and what what that can do to an individual and and I want to let you know you can't hear something I learned about reason we had to see my goal for us as caregivers and you hear this often open about the way I think about the number 877-655-6755. It wants me to do that periodically 877-655-6755 you will be a part of the show, but but my my journey from this is it SF as of help this with Phil caregivers and myself is that to know that one day we can stay and integrate.

That's the goal for us to stay as caregivers of the grief we want to outlive our loved ones. I do not want Gracie to have to deal with this without me.

I don't want my children Gracie have to deal with this without me. I cannot promise it will happen that way but I want to live my life in a way that it would give the most chance given a fighting chance to the soul of a lady of the day. We are at the processor's office that prostitutes John prostitutes to prepay the Muslim book of life. When you are your talk about this earlier went with that with the legs. If we have time or circle back to about 12 weave there and I was a Saul this man who was blind I was. Diabetes is number one cause of imputation worldwide and so spends blind and I think he was bilaterally petite Bowflex and in that obviously little it looked appeared like it was diabetes and that his caregiver was pushing in a wheelchair and she was morbidly obese, morbidly obese and I thought all you know I just I just my heart just hurt for this.

One of the seven caregiver landmines are put in my in my book 7 caregiver landmines is excessive weight gain we get as caregivers, our hearts are so heavy that our body start taking on the weight because our hearts are heavy and in we got to live in a way that is this healthy for us so that we can outlive them if if if if at all possible. And that's what I want to do and I want to live my life in a way that is healthy. But the goal is for us to stay in it a great but we don't want to be standing there with clinched fist at ourselves and our love what it God. It doctors it you know pastors it didn't come to see us or whatever there so many people that we could be resentful for because weekly, where her feelings at her sleep sometimes of there's no end of things that'll just tug at his need to learn to let these things go in and the lesson was driven home to me that I don't want to be standing there with clinched fist.

I want to be able to be at peace with this and I realized as a pianist I cannot play a piano with clinched fist. I can't do it and and I can't push a wheelchair with clinched fist. Try it sometime. Not with them and it just try it sometime to take wheelchair on the field somewhere. Don't put them in a wheelchair. Your garbage. Definitely will drive wheelchair and my wife Terri stuffed. I tell her she's a liver so there's a wheelchair with a trailer on it but but you can't push a wheelchair with clinched fist and is a pianist, though I can't play music until I open my hands I have to let it go. I cannot be so angry, so resentful, so bent out of shape about this that it paralyzes me and the only way that music is going to come out of my hands as if I let it let him open up and let it go and then I can make beautiful music and some of my week my request to you as caregivers, what music is not being played because of your resentment. What art is being denied to you in the world because of your resentment. What prayers are not being prayed because of you and your resentment. Can you let something go today. Can you let that go today and if you don't know how to let it go. Can you even a prayer that says you don't Lord you know how to let this go. That's a start. That's an act of faith that I'm asking you for just a tiny step of faith to say you know what maybe you can live a little bit more peacefully without holding onto this resentment. Some somebody of the day in and she and her sister try to work this out with in care of her mother butter her brothers chest real jerk about all this and it's it it's tearing apart families she's had learned to let it go with her brother. We wish it would be different. But it's not. So here's where we are.

Can you let something go today don't feel like you just gotta go 100% I would do this does make good begins or just just one thing.

Just one small thing is if you do, wanting to to to you can do for you didn't get here overnight you not to get out of it overnight. That's kind of the journey for us as caregivers, and so what I'm I'm hoping that through this show that you will laugh a little bit. You may cry a little bit because it's going to say things in a way that's going to pierce at those places in your heart. It may be uncomfortable for some things and then you may be able to learn a little bit regardless of which we speak fluent caregiver here that's what we do, that's what the show is all about is called hope for the caregiver the conviction that you was a caregiver can't live a calm or healthier life, even while dealing with somebody who was in such pain that they can't function or is listlessly looking out a window as their mind is slipping away or somebody was putting alcohol or drugs in their body on such a regular basis that they can't function normally in society and their tearing their whole family in the world apart or child with special needs that is screaming through the night somebody who you're wiping their bottom in their cutting-edge you can still be at peace.

You can be there may be hot tears filling your eyes as you do it, but I I am here to tell you that you can move to a safer place or even as those tears are drawing on your cheek that you can learn to maybe laugh a little bit, breathe a little bit easier. That's why we do the show. Hopefully caregiver.com John the last minute or two. What would you go to save up but let's talk a lot about legs about here in Rivero are delightful. I mean, and how you something called a leg way that only you have canceled service so know there's a couple a couple of things that will doubtlessly live legs because he likes Gracie's in studio audience listening out there Gracie if you want to come to me to becoming quietly don't commit her yelling and throwing things. Becoming quietly say goodbye before we set off grease a good job. I want to sing like when you were asking for leg donations and things like that.

The reason the weird thing because it is a weird but think about how think about how how frustrated you get when you lose a piece to your IKEA furniture right if you have one thing that's missing from that where there's it's ubiquitous, you can find a screw it at you know at Home Depot. Think about how frustrating it is. If you need parts for some legs so turn that limits part of it out. Both of the shoes by the way.

That said, the one she does on the leg since the player is C Gracie just Johnny Gracie say say good night Gracie this is this is hopefully caregiver, how you feeling-that's what the show was about. We want you to be in a better, healthier, and there are Savo joyful places you can do this part of with you we would be a part of that journey with hopefully Jaeger.com. The podcast there's books there's music is a blog is everything.

Go check it out.

Hopefully caregiver.com will see that


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