"Helping my son care for my ex-husband who has a 'touch' of dementia but sill remembers to hate me."

Hey, let's go to Trinity in South Carolina. Trinity, good afternoon.

How are you feeling? Thanks for having me. Well, you're quite welcome, and I get that because, you know, that's part of the thing I call Wait Water Walk.

And Wait Water Walk is just WAIT. And WAIT stands for Why Am I Talking? Well, it's because I'm breathing. That's why I talk. Well, I'm the same way. I'm a member of a 12-step class for talkers called On and On and On and On and On. Oh, how long have you been saving that one?

Oh, it's been in the back pocket for years. Don't you get sassy with me, John Butler. I get that, and I pop off. And Gracie will tell you, I pop off all the time, and I say things that I shouldn't say. And sometimes we have to bite our tongues and learn to like the taste of blood. And when we drink some water, and John's a huge water drinker. I'm just a large person to begin with. That's true, John.

He is so tall. He's never seen a sunset. But when we drink some water, it gives us a chance to kind of cool off and put something in our mouth besides words. Because when you've got somebody with a touch of dementia who's your ex-husband, that is not exactly a recipe for a calm afternoon.

No, but I do it so that my son gets a breather, that he gets a reprieve. It's not because I'm a good person. I mean, I'll just put that one out there.

I don't know, we need to go that far. I mean, because even if I'd heard the three things before that event, I probably wouldn't have remembered at the time. But because it was so applicable, it's still in my head. Because I've remembered it for weeks, and you know I have a head injury, so I don't remember a whole lot. But it made that good an impression on me, and I just wanted to say thank you for that.

Well, you're quite welcome. And I do think these simple things for a reason, not because I'm looking for people with head injuries to remember. I'm looking for me to remember it. And I know me, and I know that if I make this thing too complicated, I'll get messed up. And that's why these simple things like the fog of caregivers and fear, obligation, and guilt. But weight, water, water, just little things that we can remember. Because when it gets crazy, and it's not just for your loved one.

I mean, it really isn't. There have been times when I've been in the hospital with Gracie when it is just really dicey. And you get nurses that it gets snippy.

You get a surgeon that wants to come in there and just get all up in your business. And sometimes you've got to say things. But if you can say things in a measured way and not in a reactive way, then we're making progress. I knew I was making progress when I looked at a doctor who was giving me some lip with Gracie, and he was getting all up in our face about some stuff. And I stopped him, and I said, you know, Doc. And I wasn't mean about it, but I was firm about it. And I said, Doc, with all due respect, I was taking care of her when you were in junior high school. Let's keep this thing in perspective here, okay?

And you could just see him dial it back. But there have been times, though, when I would want to react, and I wouldn't want to get mad. And that doesn't do anything with anybody.

With ex-husbands, with doctors, with anybody. Absolutely. Well, you are… But thank you for taking my call. Well, you're quite welcome. Thank you for listening. Hello, John Butler. Oh, hello, Trinity.

It is always a pleasure to hear your voice, and I am glad that you remembered about the water stuff. Because that's the thing. You might have the snappiest comeback in the room, and you might be the most clever. I know, because I am guilty of just, oh, I can see this clever thing.

We speak fluent sarcasm here, don't we? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's bad.

I'm like, this is the best thing to say that's just going to ruin this person's day. And I just know it's there. I see it. And to be able to not do that is… Absolutely. Yeah, we've got to practice it.

And that's with everything. You get better at things by just doing it. You're not going to just think your way into it.

We're talking about adulthood, John, and I've been avoiding adulthood for decades. Oh, understood. And, well, you should. Thank you. Well, listen, I do appreciate you speaking. Y'all have a good evening, both of you.

Thank you very much, Trinity. What were you saying, John? What was that CS Lewis quote? There's a great CS Lewis quote about that. And, you know, it's like somebody said, you know, you're an adult now, so you should give up childish things.

And there's something to be said for that. But I can't remember what the CS Lewis quote was, but like word for word, because it's like a paragraph. He was a little wiser than I am. I'm going back right now and doing the audiobook of mere Christianity, of his book, which, you know, those were radio addresses he did during the war. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. I need to take a listen because he's, yeah. It's really good. It's worth the time. Please do.

You'll like it. Yeah. I want to circle back to fear, obligation and guilt. And I wanted to touch on this before we close up today about resentment and what that can do to an individual.

And I want to let you know, here's something I learned about resentment. We have these, see, my goal for us as caregivers, and you'll hear this often. Oh, by the way, I need to give out the number 877-655-6755. Ed wants me to do that periodically.

877-655-6755 if you want to be a part of the show. But my journey from this, as I've helped this with fellow caregivers and myself, is that to know that one day we're going to stand at a grave. That's the goal for us to stand as caregivers at the grave. We want to outlive our loved ones. I do not want Gracie to have to deal with this without me. I don't want my children and Gracie to have to deal with this without me.

I cannot promise that it will happen that way, but I want to live my life in a way that we give it the most chance, give it a fighting chance to. I saw a lady the other day. We were at the prosthetist's office. That's prosthetist, John. Prosthetist. The prosthetic legs. Hey, look. By the way, you were talking about this earlier with the legs. If we have time, I want to circle back to that.

All right. Well, but we were there and I saw this man who was blind. Obviously, diabetes is the number one cause of amputation worldwide. And I saw this man who was blind and I think he was a bilateral amputee.

Both legs. And obviously it looked, appeared like it was diabetes. And then his caregiver was pushing him in the wheelchair. And she was morbidly obese. Morbidly obese.

And I thought, oh, you know, I just, my heart just hurt for her. And that's one of the seven caregiver landmines I put in my book, Seven Caregiver Landmines, is the excessive weight gain that we get as caregivers. Our hearts are so heavy that our bodies start taking on the weight because our hearts are heavy. And we got to live in a way that is healthy for us so that we can outlive them if at all possible.

And that's what I want to do. And I want to live my life in a way that's healthy, period. But the goal is for us to stand at a grave. But we don't want to be standing there with clenched fist. At ourselves and our loved one, at God, at doctors, at, you know, pastors that didn't come to see us or whatever. There's so many people that we could be resentful for because we wear our feelings on our sleeve sometimes that there's no end of things that'll just tug at us. And we need to learn to let these things go. And the lesson was driven home for me that I don't want to be standing there with clenched fist.

I want to be able to be at peace with this. And I realized as a pianist, I cannot play a piano with clenched fist. I can't do it.

And I can't push a wheelchair with clenched fist. Try it sometime. Not with them in it. Just try it sometime. Take a wheelchair out in the field somewhere. Don't put them in it. What kind of wheelchair you got that you can take to a field?

Not here. You have to have four-wheel drive wheelchair. Of course, the way my wife carries stuff, I tell her she's the only person I know there's a wheelchair with a trailer on it. But you can't push a wheelchair with clenched fist. And as a pianist, though, I can't play music until I open my hands. I have to let it go. I cannot be so angry, so resentful, so bent out of shape about this that it paralyzes me. And the only way that music is going to come out of my hands is if I let them open up and let it go.

And then I can make beautiful music. And so my request to you as a caregiver is what music is not being played because of your resentment? What art is being denied to you and the world because of your resentment? What prayers are not being prayed because of you and your resentment? Can you let something go today? Can you let that go today?

And if you don't know how to let it go, can you? Even a prayer that says, you know, Lord, I don't even know how to let this go. That's a start. That's an act of faith.

And I'm asking you for just a tiny, tiny step of faith to say, you know what? Maybe you can live a little bit more peacefully without holding on to this resentment. I was talking to somebody the other day and she and her sister are trying to work this out with taking care of her mother. But her brother is just a real jerk about all this. And it's tearing apart families. And she's having to learn to let it go with her brother. We wish it would be different, but it's not.

So here's where we are. Can you let something go today? You don't have to.

Don't feel like you just got to go 100 percent say, oh, I'm going to do this. It doesn't make this big inventory. Just just one thing. Just one small thing. Because if you do one, then you can do two.

If you do two, you can do four. You didn't get here overnight. You're not going to get out of it overnight. That's kind of the journey for us as caregivers. And so what I'm I'm hoping that through this show that you'll you'll laugh a little bit. You may cry a little bit because it's going to say things in a way that's going to pierce at those places in your heart.

It may be uncomfortable for some things and then you may be able to learn a little bit. Regardless of which, we speak fluent caregiver here. That's what we do. That's what this show is all about. It's called hope for the caregiver. The conviction that you as a caregiver can live a calmer, healthier life, even while dealing with somebody who is in such pain that they can't function or is listlessly looking out a window as their mind is slipping away. Or somebody who is putting alcohol and drugs into their body on such a regular basis that they can't function normally in society. And they're tearing their whole family, their world apart. Or child with special needs that is screaming through the night.

Somebody who you're wiping their bottom and they're cussing at you. You can still be at peace in this. You can be.

And there may be hot tears fill in your eyes as you do it. But I am here to tell you. That you can move to a safer place. Where even as those tears are drying on your cheek, that you can learn to maybe laugh a little bit, breathe a little bit easier. That's why we do the show.

Hope for the caregiver dot com. John, in the last minute or two, what were you going to say about about legs? Talk a lot about legs about here. Yeah, we're talking a lot about legs.

Well, I mean, and that's called a leg way. No, get out. Leave. Leave. You have been canceled, sir.

So, no, there was a couple of things. Oh, by the way, speaking of legs, speaking of legs, Gracie's in the studio audience listening out there. Gracie, if you want to kind of come in here, come in quietly. Don't come in here yelling and throwing things. But come in quietly. Say goodbye before we sign off, Gracie.

Go ahead, John. Oh, well, I was just saying, like, when you were asking for leg donations and things like that, the reason it sounds like a weird thing because it is a weird thing. But think about how think about how how frustrated you get when you lose a piece to your Ikea furniture.

All right. If you have one thing that's missing from that where there's it's ubiquitous, you can find a screw it at, you know, at Home Depot. Think about how frustrating it is if you need parts for some legs. So turn that foot loose. Oh, and, you know, both both of the shoes, by the way.

Oh, yeah. Don't just send the one shoe that's on the leg. Send both of the pair of shoes.

We got a lot of single shoes. Hey, Gracie, just join me. Gracie, say say good night, Gracie. Good night, Gracie.

Great to hear your voice, Gracie. Hey, listen, this is hope for the caregiver. How are you feeling?

How are you feeling? That's what the show is about. We want you to be in a better, calmer, healthier and dare I say it, a more joyful place as caregivers.

And you can do this. We're part of it with you. We want to be a part of that journey with us. Hope for the caregiver dot com. The podcast is free. There's books, there's music, there's a blog, there's everything. Go check it out.

Hope for the caregiver dot com. We'll see you next week.