"Friendly Fire." As a caregiver, do you feel attacked by your own team?

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Call 866-WINASIA. Or to see chickens and other animals to donate, go to CritterCampaign.org. This is Hope for the Caregiver. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. There are more than 65 million Americans right now serving as a caregiver for a vulnerable loved one.

Could be Alzheimer's, could be autism, could be addiction, alcoholism. Whatever the chronic impairment, there's always a caregiver. How are you doing?

How are you feeling? That's what this show is all about, is helping you navigate through this a little bit healthier, a little bit calmer, and dare I say it, a little bit more joyful. I am Peter Rosenberger and I am your host. I've been a caregiver myself now for 34 years and understand the journey in ways that few do and I hope less will. But we're going to get through this together and we're going to talk through these things and tough issues together. You also want to follow along live on Facebook, on our Facebook page, facebook.com slash Hope for the Caregiver. Just go out to Hope for the Caregiver and you can follow along there as well. And then our podcast and everything else is at our website, Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

We'll do the broadcast today and then we podcast as well throughout the week and we'd love, it's a free podcast, you can follow along at that. Hopeforthecaregiver.com, Hopeforthecaregiver.com. There's lots of different ways that we've put this all out there and we want you to take advantage of this.

There's no other show like this. And this show is the nation's literally, well actually the world's number one show for the family caregiver. And we're bringing this with a biblical worldview of understanding these things of what's going on with the person pushing the wheelchair, standing in the hospital room corner.

What's going on with all these individuals and how do you help them? Because if a caregiver goes down, what happens to the patient? And in this pandemic that we're dealing with, there are a lot more caregivers and there are a lot of issues that are affecting caregivers in ways they never have before. People are reticent to send their loved one to an assisted facility or some type, even go to the hospital because they're afraid if they go there, then they'll never see them again. And so this thing is getting way out in the weeds for us as caregivers of wondering, okay, where's safety? What does that look like? How do we navigate this?

Where's God in this? And so that's why we do this show is to speak fluent caregiver in those situations. All right. Some years ago, Gracie and I were at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. We went there many times as the war on terror ramped up starting back in 2003 is when we first started going to Walter Reed. And what happened was that the commanding officers there recognized that Gracie brought a valuable component to speaking to these wounded warriors and me as well and their families as they were there. And of course, Gracie, my wife, is a bilateral amputee, both legs. So she'd been through it. And this was the first time that we had women coming back as amputees in any kind of large number.

It was a kind of a stark reality for our country as we dealt with this new kind of war, new kind of combat. So we're watching this and we're going up there back and forth quite a bit. And at one point I was in the physical therapy training room there and Gracie sang for the groundbreaking of this facility. And we were up there for a prayer breakfast.

My father actually joined us on this prayer breakfast. He was a retired Navy chaplain. And so we're going around, we're talking to various soldiers and their families and I'm talking to some of them and Gracie goes up to this young man who's laying on a physical therapy table, working out and he's a single amputee below the knee. And turns out this young man had suffered injuries from friendly fire. Friendly fire is when basically you get shot, hurt, even killed by your own team. And it wasn't intentional, it just, this is what happens sometimes in combat.

You may remember the NFL star Pat Tillman who joined the military, left the NFL and joined the military and from what I understand that's what happened with him. Well this young soldier lost his leg due to friendly fire. Well Gracie walks over there to see him and she's wearing a skirt and she doesn't wear skin coverings on her prosthetic limbs. They're exposed so they look kind of robotic, but this guy's lying on the table and he couldn't see her. But from the waist up and so she walks over to see him.

And how are you doing soldier? And he was just really rude and ugly to her. And the physical therapist that was working with him, he knew Gracie and he was really embarrassed for her. And he told the soldier, he said, look, you might want to listen to this lady.

She's got a lot to offer and she's welcome here. And he looked over at her again and was just real hateful and just ugly to her. Well Gracie was a little bit taken aback, but then she kind of regained her composure and she put her hand on one of the parallel bars that was close by her, one of the workout bars. And she propped her foot, her prosthetic foot right beside his head. And by the way, she's wearing a beautiful shoe. I pick out her shoes. I go to the store oftentimes with one of her feet or her leg and I fit her shoes so she doesn't have to go. And I'll video conference her from the store and say, hey, do you like this shoe?

Whatever. But I'll literally take her leg to the shoe store. So that's just to the side.

I know y'all think I'm goofy with that, but you try it sometimes. It's a lot easier to take her leg than it is take her sometimes to the shoe store. So she props this foot up beside his head and she looks at him square in the eye and she says, you ain't the only amputee in here, big guy. And he turned his head and he sees this metal leg and this prosthetic foot right beside his head. And then he looks over and sees her balancing on her other prosthetic leg. At that point, the soldier in him manned up and he, uh, he nodded his head and then they had a meaningful conversation after that point.

Let's talk about that for a moment. Friendly fire and what that means. It's sometimes when you feel like you've been and what that means to caregivers, by the way, and when you feel like you've been hurt by your own team, there's a different kind of wound that enters into the play here. And as this guy looked down at his amputated leg, you know, he felt he was even denied the bragging rights to say he lost it for his country. Rather, he thought he lost it because of his country.

And those are hard feelings to fight. You know, being wounded in the service of one's country doesn't automatically instill a sense of patriotism. You know, just because you got wounded for your country doesn't mean that, wow, I just love this country. You're still wounded and you got to deal with some of that reality.

When we experience wounds from people that we're counting on, it creates a dynamic in us that we need to work through that is hard to work through. While Gracie was talking with this guy, I was nearby talking to a fellow that lost both of his legs in combat, and he was joking around and kidding around and having a good time. And then I looked at him rather pointedly and I said, how are things back home? And that's when his face clouded over. And he and his wife looks like we're going to make it. She was leaving. He could joke.

And even with prosthetic legs. But when you asked him about matters of the heart, he got a little dicey because the relationship fell apart and he felt wounded by the one he was counting on. Friendly Fire. We're going to talk about that and what that means to caregivers in just a moment. 888-589-8840. 888-589-8840. This is Peter Rosenberg. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberg. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. We'd love to hear from you. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. If you want to be a part of the show, we're talking about friendly fire. Friendly fire. When you are wounded by your own team. And this message was driven home to Gracie and I when we were over at Walter Reed.

We've been there many, many times to visit wounded warriors and their families. And this particular time when Gracie encountered this young soldier who was bitter. He lost his leg and he was very angry and bitter and he snarled at Gracie until he realized that she herself was a double amputee. And she confronted him. She didn't pander to him. She didn't cower.

She confronted him. That, you know, he's not the only amputee in that room. And that however horrific this is, there is a path to healing through this thing and recovery. It's going to be different. It's going to involve a lot of different things. But there is a path.

She's traveled it. And I was talking to this fellow that's, you know, his wife is leaving him. Both of his legs are gone. And he was joking and kidding around until I asked him about his marriage and his family and how are things at home. And that's when he just went dark. We talked for a while about that.

I was asking a mother, same day, same room, with her son. And he had a halo over his leg. His right leg was amputated, I believe.

And the other one had a halo around it, a Hoffman device. They were trying to save that one but it didn't look like it was going to make it either. I've been through that with Gracie.

And sometimes they'll try to save things that don't need to be saved. But they were trying and every appearance looked like that right leg, that both of his legs were going to be casualties of this. And I asked the mother and I said, how about his father, has he been around?

And she got all her jaw just tight and she said he left years ago in good riddance. It's friendly fire. Supposed to be on the same team. And what about you as a caregiver? Somebody on your team tearing you apart? Somebody on your team causing you great wounds? The person you're caring for? How many of you all right now are caring for someone who is ugly to you while you're caring for them? You're changing their adult diapers and they're just cursing at you or saying hateful, hurtful things to you.

How many of you all are dealing with that? You've got an alcoholic or an addict in your family. You love them. You're trying to care. You've given them money. You've done all kinds of things and they're treating you like garbage. You're taking care of your special needs child and your husband bails on you or cheats on you. These are things that are happening to caregivers.

Happens to all of us. How do you deal with that? What does it look like to deal with that?

What is the path back to healing and recovery look like in that situation? If you're going through that. Let's talk about that. Tracy in Mississippi. Tracy, good morning. How are you feeling?

Good morning. I'm feeling blessed by your show. I just had to call in because the friendly fire thing, you know, my husband's an alcoholic.

And when he gets to that certain point where his eyes turn black and it's like he's no longer there, it's very abusive, you know, verbally. And I just I've been through a lot of different types of support groups, but your show, it doesn't it validates what I'm going through. And it takes away the stigma of being the stupid wife, putting up with the drunk.

You know what I mean? And well, I'm glad to hear that because let me reaffirm that you are not the stupid wife who's putting up with the drunk. You are having to put up with the drunk, but you're not the stupid wife. But he has he has an impairment. He has an illness that is beyond him. And if he's not actively seeking recovery, then you it's really important for you to do what is necessary to protect you in this. You're not his punching bag verbally or physically. Right. He's sick and you and you don't get dispersed out just enough to, I guess, help me stay.

They usually are. He's been hospitalized. He's been hospitalized trying to quit. You know, he keeps going in the hospital and it's just it's always beyond him.

I don't know. Well, he can try to quit all he wants, but unless he is actively working a recovery program through something like AA or whatever, he's just going to keep making all kinds of promises that he'll do better. He'll do better. He'll do better. But the reality of it is he's got a chronic disease that he's going to have to wrestle with for the rest of his life.

And so will you. You have to wrestle with his chronic disease. Now, when you say you've been a support groups, where have you been? To Al-Anon is what I, I still have like a sponsor and stuff. All right. How often do you go to a meeting?

Recovering my own self, you know. How often, how often do you go to a meeting? Once a week. Once a week.

All right. How often do you call your sponsor? We text probably four times a week. Good. Pick up the phone and call your sponsor, too. Don't just text.

Pick up the phone and call your sponsor. Yeah. And we do that. She's real busy, too, but we do. Yeah. She's been a...

If she's too busy for you to call her, well, if she's too busy for you to call her, you might want to get, look at finding another sponsor or go into more meetings. Okay. All right.

Sure will. Because the best place for you, and I mean this with all sincerity, the best place for you is in a recovery meeting like this because it's going to help reinforce all the things that we're trying to establish right here on the show. That it, your husband has the problem and you've developed a set of survival skills to deal with that problem that are destructive to you.

And so it's, it's really important that you start getting healthier no matter what he does. He may never deal with this. He may never get this right. There are three possible paths for an alcoholic. They're going to get sobered up, they're going to get locked up, or they're going to get covered up.

Those are the three paths that he has in front of him. And if he's not actively working on a recovery program, then he's going to face either being locked up in jail or dead. I mean, that's just, that's just the bottom line for you. On the other hand, you, this can tear you apart as well. And no matter what happens to him, he may not make it, but you have to.

And it is not selfish for you to care for you in this. Do you have children? My son's deceased. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. This is your place. This is, this is a safe place for you here, okay?

Yes. How old is your son? He passed away. He passed away of cancer.

He was 21. Your husband's drinking. Did it start before or after your son's death?

The magnitude of it didn't start until way after. But he was there with me the whole time, you know. Well, your husband is basically dealing with whatever he's got to deal with. And to give you idea how much pain your husband is, is in, his alcoholism is what he thinks is the answer.

That's how much pain he's in. Right. But you can't fix that.

I'm going to ask you, I'm going to ask you real quick. Well, don't try to fix it because you can't. You didn't cause it. Hold on to the break. Hold on to that. We got to go to break. Hang on to the break. We'll be right back. Don't, don't go away, Tracy. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver.

We'll be right back. Are you enjoying our podcast? I'm John Butler and I've helped produce Peter's show, Hope for the Caregiver, since it began. I'd like to think that I'm responsible for the explosive growth this show has enjoyed. I'd like to think that, but, well, Peter pays me not to, so let's move along. All jokes aside, though, Peter and I do have a great time with the show.

We absolutely love it. In this podcast, we not only publish things from the show, but also include special bonus materials. We really don't want to have a subscription section, but would rather make all of this great content available for free to hurting caregivers. You can help us do that by clicking on the Become a Patron button. For as little as a dollar a month, you can be a part of the world's number one podcast for family caregivers. There's all types of gifts that we'd love to give you depending on what tier you'd like to join. Maybe it's five dollars.

Maybe it's ten. Whatever you'd like. Consider sponsoring this podcast today and help strengthen family caregivers and yourself. Thanks so much, and remember, healthy caregivers make better caregivers. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. For those of you who are putting yourself between a vulnerable loved one and an even worse disaster, and it could even be addiction or alcoholism as we're talking with Tracy this morning here who's dealing with this with her husband.

After the death of her son, it really took on a dark, ugly turn. Tracy, I appreciate you hanging on through the break. I really do. A couple of things.

I was thinking about it when we went to the break. Working your program through Al-Anon is going to be paramount for you. I mean, it has to be the highest priority for you through this process, because that is your path to safety.

It's going to equip you with the understanding and the vocabulary, and you're going to be able to borrow the courage from other people who have been in this situation before. But you've got to get this out and work this program. It is work, and you have to work it.

But it is not – you will see that your husband may or may not be able to beat this thing. That's entirely on him. But you have to. That's on you. For you, not for him. You didn't cause this stuff. You can't cure it. You can't change it. That is not your gig. Your thing is Tracy.

How does Tracy get healthy in this, and what does that look like? And I'm not asking – you don't have to worry about making decisions about your marriage or anything else like this. Your husband is in torment. And what you're going to go through when you go through this program with Al-Anon or other like things like that, you're going to come to understand that your husband truly is in torment. But you can't fix that for him.

And the best thing you can do is for you to be in a healthy, healthy, healthy place. And the way you're going to get that is you're going to do – you know, did you hear the opening part of the story when I talked about Gracie with that soldier? Yes.

Yes. You know, she didn't pander to this guy. You see a lot of people out there in our streets right now. You know, Friendly Fire hurts.

We're seeing people rioting in the streets because of generational wounds that we've had in this country. And I get that. But she didn't pander to him. And she didn't cower to him. She confronted him.

And she said, look here, you ain't the only amputee in here, big boy. But this is what happens when we start dealing with our trauma and our wounds in the confines of a safe place, like a support group with Al-Anon, like a 12-step program, like a counselor and so forth. And then your husband is going to have the same opportunity.

Whether he'll take it or not, we don't know. But he needs to, at some point, be around people who can look at him and say, you're not the only one who's done this. And you will find – and this is what I have found. And you will find, though, Gracie, that the path to recovery is flanked by those who are walking in their own healing.

See, this is how we do it. Their successes inspire ours. And when we have enough of those successes, man, we could even heal a nation. But the more you're around your sponsor, the more you're around a meeting, the more you're going to be able to borrow from their courage. And then you are going to be able to get stronger through this process. And in doing so, what'll happen is – and it'll surprise you – but what'll happen is you'll turn around and you'll find that people are borrowing your courage. It'll happen. And you won't necessarily be able to see the change in you so much, but what happens is you start seeing the change in the people you're working through these things with in your own group there.

You'll start seeing the change in them, and then that will be the sign that things are changing in you. But you've got to get stronger in this. And you've heard me say, if you've listened to this show at all, you've heard me say over and over and over, healthy caregivers make better caregivers. And I think I'm the only one that has any kind of national presence on this that is addressing the issue of addiction and alcoholism in the terms of the family caregiver.

And I don't think anybody else is doing it. And I don't know why they're not doing it, but I'm doing it because I understand that it's a chronic disease. And when you have a chronic disease… I just want to say how grateful. Like your ministry is amazing.

What God's put in your heart and helps you do. And like this morning before I called in, I sent your link and information to probably 15 of my friends that I know deal with this. And I'm just so grateful. I just had to call in and tell you thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, Tracy, listen, you are why I do the show.

I mean, it's just that simple. I understand. What do I have? What am I offering that people haven't done for me? And I would be a lousy steward if I didn't use the things that people have invested in me and poured into me and walked with through me and I borrowed their courage to be able to offer that to you here today on this show.

I'd be a lousy steward of all that. And so this is what we do. We're all on a path to recovery. We're all on a path of redemption. We're all on a path of God working through these things.

And I will tell you this, that every, every, every bleak moment that you have with your husband, you have a Savior that is there with you. He is, yes. He truly is. He has not forgotten you.

And all of this is being woven into his purposes. I don't understand it. And I don't particularly even like it. But he didn't ask me to like it. He didn't ask me to understand it. What did he ask us to do? I trusted him. I trusted him.

He asked us to trust him. And you know what? Your husband has a Savior too. He does, yes. And you are not that Savior.

That's right. I had to hang up my God boots because that's what almost killed me. Look down at your hands. Look down at your hands.

Do you see nail prints on your hands? No, sir. Then this is not yours to fix. But you do have a responsibility.

Yeah, that was the hardest thing to give up. Well, it always is because we all want to think somehow we can fix this. And this is our own sickness that we have. One of the things you'll come to grips with as you walk through this recovery program yourself is you'll come to grips with the fact that you developed your own sickness in this. And how you cope with this. Yeah, it's amazing. But there is a path.

There is a path. This is the crux for every caregiver. We are so wired to go in there and try to rescue or try to fix somebody that's broken. And we don't have the skill sets. This is way above our pay grade. So here's what I'm asking. I'm going to ask you two things. All right.

Number one. Okay. I'm going to ask you after – I'm going to put you on hold and Jason's going to get your information. And I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Hope for the Caregiver. Okay.

Oh, God, thank you. I'm just going to send you a copy of it. Now, a lot of it's going to apply to things in that book that may not say alcoholism or addiction. Okay. But you're going to get something out of this book for you specifically in that.

A lot of it will if you'll just – if you'll hang on and understand that impairment is impairment. Okay. Right. Whether it's amputation. I totally get that.

Whether it's – yeah, whatever it is, it's a chronic impairment that you can't fix. Okay. Right. But you're going to – this book I think is going to be very comforting to you. And it's the crux of everything we do here. So Jason's going to get your information and we're going to send you that. If something happens and you don't get it, then you call back and then we'll – I'll fuss at my crack staff, which is me basically.

But I'll fuss at me. Okay. But the second thing I want you to do, and I'm asking you to do this, would you please – would you please pick up the phone and call your sponsor? I will. Absolutely. I'm going to – instead of text, I'm going to call. I promise.

Well, yes, because the text is fine, but there's something about having that conversation. And if your sponsor is too busy, and I understand she may be, then look at getting another sponsor that can take the time with you. Somebody's really been down this road and has got some mileage on them with dealing with this kind of stuff. Okay? I sure would.

And it's not personal with your current sponsor, but your needs are so intense right now that it's going to require daily, sometimes even hourly, engagement. You know that – Thank you. You know that old hymn, I need the every hour?

Yes, I've heard that one. There's an old hymn. I put it – I put it on my CD, Songs for the Caregiver, because – and the reason I put it there is because there's not a hymn that's written that says I need the every minute. I may have to write that hymn because, you know, we – this is the place where you're in, and you're going to be – you know, all the things that you learned in coping with your husband and coping with your own grief over your son, all those things that you learned, those survival behaviors, those are learned behaviors, and guess what?

They can be unlearned as well. And you can learn new coping mechanisms, new healthier ways for you to approach the grief that you have with your son, the grief that you have with your husband, and these are things that are going to break you apart without proper help. And so – Thank you so much. And I want you to – I want you to keep listening.

I want you to call in as many times as you want. I'm not your sponsor, but you know what? I'm your friend, and I understand your journey, and I'm asking you just to take advantage of the resources that are out there, okay? Thank you so much.

And I'm going to send you a copy of this book. I pray God bless you. Thank you, thank you.

Well, He does, and it blessed me this morning just by having a conversation with you, so don't hang up. Jason's going to get your information, and thank you, Tracy, for trusting me with your pain on this, okay? Yes. And – oh, by the way, Tracy, by the way – Yeah.

Last thing. There are a lot of people that listen to this show, and there are a lot of people that are going to be praying for you, and a lot of people are getting strengthened just by hearing you admitting what you're admitting today and dealing with, okay? Thank you. You don't know until you get to heaven, and then it won't even matter, but there are a lot of people that you have helped engage with right now, and I'm very, very grateful that you had the courage to do so today, okay?

I hope so. Thank you so much, Peter. You're quite welcome, Tracy.

Hold on now. Jason's going to get your information. Hey, this is John Butler, producer of Hope for the Caregiver, and I have learned something that you probably all know, that Gracie, his wife, lost her legs many, many years ago and started a prosthetic limb outreach ministry called Standing with Hope, and recently they ended up with a rather unique and unexpected partner. Peter had a conversation with Gracie, and take a listen. Gracie, when you envisioned doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic over in Nashville, and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for, and they're disassembling, you see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs. And arms, too.

And arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry, because I see the smiles on their faces, and I know, I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out. Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long.

And so, these men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one band said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea. You know, I thought of peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that.

I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that they're helping other people now walk, they're providing the means for these supplies to get over there, what does that do to you, just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there. And I wish that I could be able to go and say, this guy right here, he needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way.

Every time, you know, you always make me have to leave, I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them. And I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that CoreCivic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome. And I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and the other ones like it, but I know about this one, is just an amazingly low rate. Compared to those who don't have them. And I think that that says so much.

That doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or, you know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own for them to do. How do they do that? Where do they find it? Please go to standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie.