Um I'm Peter Rosenberger and after 40 years as a caregiver for my wife Gracie through a medical nightmare that has soared to 98 operations, both legs amputated, treatment by more than 100 doctors in 13 different hospitals and you can't imagine the medical bills.
Well I've learned some things and I've learned every one of them the hard way. And in my new book, A Caregiver's Companion, it's a journal from that journey. It's filled with hard-won wisdom, practical help, and yes, an ample dose of humor. Because let's face it, if we don't laugh, we're going to blow a gasket. And I've learned that I am no good to my wife if I'm fat, broke, and miserable.
How does that help her? Healthy caregivers make better caregivers, and that's what this book is about, pointing my fellow caregivers to safety, to learn to live calmer, healthier, and dare I say it, even more joyful as a caregiver. It's one truth I've learned, punctuated by either a verse from scripture or a stanza from a hymn, and a space for you to share your own thoughts. While this is my journal from a 40-year journey, you can journal along with me in this book. It's called A Caregiver's Companion, available August 20th from Fidelis Publishing, wherever books are sold.
Learn more at peterrosenberger.com. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the program for you as a family caregiver. And I'm so very glad to be with you today, PeterRosenberger.com, PeterRosenberger.com.
I love stand-up comics. I think it is the coolest form of entertainment out there. The courage it takes, the wit, the work, it is such an amazing art form. And I've studied these guys for years. I took a stab at doing it a little bit myself, but I don't have the lifestyle that allows you to get immersed in that.
But I just stand there and applaud an amazement at the work that these guys do. And I've had the privilege of getting to know some of them up close and personal. One of them, when I started this show, he said to me, Peter, make them laugh. When I told him I was going to do a radio show for caregivers, he said, make them laugh. You, more than most, know how important it is for a family caregiver to keep a sense of humor.
And that was Jeff Foxworthy. And he's been such a great friend, he and his family to ours for many, many years. And Jeff introduced me to a friend of his that I've been wanting to have on the program for some time. And that's Jay Leno, who is also a caregiving husband for his wife, Mavis. And we were supposed to get together several months ago, but with the five-month hospital stay that Gracie and I had, it kind of threw our schedule into a weird place.
Well, weirder place. Jay was gracious enough to connect up with me recently. We had a little technical problem with him dialing in, so I just recorded the conversation on my phone. I was a bit worried the whole time that I was going to run out of battery, but it all worked out. And he was incredibly gracious.
And they say sometimes don't meet your heroes. That doesn't apply to people like Jay Leno and Jeff Foxworthy. These are some of the most magnanimous people I've ever met. Here's my conversation with Jay Leno. Really thrilled to have you here.
I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. I've been seeing some stuff about you in the news as you have stepped into the role of caregiver here over the last several years. And my first thing is just to ask you what I ask every caregiver: how are you doing? Oh, I'm doing fine. It's okay.
I mean, it's uh You know, we've been together 45 years and the last Five or six have been a little tricky, but that's okay. You know, all the we had so many good ones. It's it's it's it's okay, you know, it's fine, it's it's fine. It's not bad at all. I mean, I I enjoy taking care of her.
You know, what I would do for tonight, y'all, would come home from work and I would cook dinner for her and I anyway. Um J just because only because. I'm pretty much a steak and just chicken guy and pasta, not really much of a cook, but I would just make her something to eat or bring her something from one of her favorite restaurants. And we would have dinner and watch TV, you know, so. It's not a whole lot different.
It's just that I'm taking care of her at the same time. But it's okay. It's okay. Just out of curiosity, how did you guys meet?
Well, this is very odd. I've lived with five women in my life and all of them were born on the same day. And I was on stage at the comedy store and I saw this attractive woman in the audience. And I said, Oh, you know, okay. And she went up to go to the ladies' room, and I.
Like a creep hung around waiting for him out of the ladies. And then she did, and then I liked him. We hit it off.
So I found out she's born on September 5th. And I said, okay, obviously I have something for women born on September 5th, and we've been together ever since. That Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, that is an unusual, that is a bit odd. It's very unusual. It is odd, but it's okay. It's okay. Well, one of the things I do on this program is talk to so many people who are in the throes of this.
But they're They're lost. They lose themselves. You, of course, had an identity that was well carved out for many, many decades now. But what do you do for you that's. Fun, that's nipit, that's all that kind of stuff.
The real trick is to try and find the humor in the situation, you know. That's like when she was still walking around, she's kind of bedridden now, so I gotta carry everywhere. I said, come on, let's go. Do you want to get some clothes now? No, come on, come on.
All right.
So we go to Nordstrom's. And we're walking around. She doesn't like any clothes.
Okay.
So then we go in the shoe department. Oh, look at these blue sneakers. You like those? Bright blue sneakers. Yeah, okay, you have to try them on.
She tries them on. I said, Great, great, put them in the box. And I said, do you want another pair? She goes, yeah, okay. Yeah, get another pair.
The sneakers are $24.
So she goes to see these kind of Red ones with some spangly stuff on them. Same sneaker. I said, you want those? Yeah, yeah, okay. No, gold.
They're gold, they're white. That's what it was.
Okay.
So I said, put those on. Put your sneakers in the box. And you can wear these home. She's all excited. She loves easy shit around.
So great.
So I said to the guy, well, we'll take these.
So I get up there, I give my credit card. Because that's a blue parent, $24.
Okay, it's this parent.
Okay, that is $887. I go, no, wait. No, wait a minute. They're twenty four notes. He goes, these are twenty volt hours.
These ones here were designed by Ha Ha Ha. Or something. You know, and they're $790. It's the same sneaker. It's like a sneaker.
It's like the other sneaker, and somebody hit it with a bedazzler. And I go, well, okay. And I look at her and now she's walked on them and she's got them on and she's got a big smile on her face. And I wonder, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, we'll take the ones by ha ha ha, whatever the guy's name.
It just made me laugh. You know, look, I'm thrilled that I could afford to do that, you know. And it was fun. You know, so that, you know, you try to find those moments, you know what I'm saying?
Well, actually, I do, because when I buy shoes for my wife, I don't take her with me, I take her leg. She has two prosthetic legs, and I literally have taken a leg into a shoe store and I try it on that way. And then I video conferenced with her and said, Do you like these? You want to try these on for seismic? And it gives you a leg up.
Yeah, so there you go. And I get a lot of stares from people, but you know, that's it's it's all good. I mean, you do, you have to laugh about it. The last day before we moved to Montana, uh, several years ago, Gracie and I went and saw you like three nights before, and we went and saw you and Jeff at the Ryman and got to meet you backstage. And then I heard the interview you did with Jeff that same day for his comic mind.
And I just love listening to you and the stories that you can tell. And even as we were trying to make this phone call happen, I was all the technical stuff. And I remember Groucho Marx once saying, It's so easy a child of five can do it.
Somebody give me a child of five. And, you know, and I think the comedy that you have is so rich in your life that you can still do that with her and have those cherished moments. And that's a wonderful thing. The funny part, you know, my wife all her life was very much involved. with women's issues and women's rights and she she even got a Nobel Peace Prize nomination.
But oh yeah, and so One day, you know, when we watch TV, I try not to watch anything that's. Over a five-week period, you know, where every week you got 'cause 'cause you can't remember from the last week.
So I try to find shows that are episodic, you know, 45 minutes, 52 minutes.
So I turn on Hawaii 5-0 from the 60s. We're watching a live Ivo. And McGarrett. This is the 1960s now. And every woman is honey, honey.
Come here, sweetie, sweetie. Honey, that's good for you. Honey, sweetie.
Okay.
I see my wife's like, yeah, okay.
So now, in this episode, the actor, Stanley Holloway, is an old actor from the city. He was old in the city. He plays a genetic scientist. who gets captured by the red Chinese.
Okay.
So so McGarrett goes to His daughter, who's like forty. to talk to her about her father. And he says to her, What kind of genetic engineering did your father do? And she says, I'm just a woman. I don't understand such things.
And I hear my wife, she's like barking at the TV and yelling at the TV. I go, oh, okay.
So she still got the fire, you know. I was like, oh, okay, that's good. But she's just like, oh, I just swearing at the guy, you know. And then at the end, the daughter bakes muffins for everybody. Hilarious.
You know, I mean, it's so misogynistic from the 60s, but it was hilarious. And, you know, so you just try to find. Funny moments that amuse you, you know? And I get that, and it's so important to do. Gracie, I remember one time during a particularly rough hospital stay in Nashville, and I've never told this on the air before, but I can't believe I'm doing it now.
But Loretta Lynn came into the next room. It was a separate room, but it was right adjacent. And she had an whole entourage with them, and they were loud. And at one point, Gracie, who just, you know, she's had a pretty rough journey of it, and she yelled out, I I don't care if she is the queen of country music. Tell everybody to be quiet.
I got to get some sleep over here. And she's not saying it quietly. I mean, she belted it. And I thought, well, okay, you go, girl. That spunk keeps them going.
And it's fun to see that. And I love to see her rise to the occasion. You are busy with quite a few things, but I want to ask you: you know, what's next for you? I mean, you're in a different place in your career. Are you still doing a lot of stand-up?
Yeah, well, I I just come home every night, you know. Luckily I can afford to do that. You know, I'll go out, do my show Friday. Do a show Saturday, come home Saturday night. Oh, I try to come home the same night.
I mean, I went to Puerto Rico for a couple of hours. To do a show and then came back the same day. And so that's what I just try to be home as much as I can.
So The atmosphere doesn't ch you know. It's good when people have these kind of conditions. You want to Pretty much do the same thing on a regular basis, you know, not upset the apple cotton. Right. Yeah, change is not your friend in situations like this.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, Mark Twain said, I like. I like progress. It's change I don't like. A lot of guys are stepping into the same role that you're in. Last thing.
What would you like to offer them something that you learned that you didn't necessarily expect that you would learn as a caregiving husband? Yeah.
I learned I I enjoy taking care of her. I mean It's not really a burden. You know, I'm... Yeah.
My wife has been all Always been very independent.
So I like that I can do things for. And you know, it kind of, you know, there aren't many things that test us in life. For men, it's the armed forces. You go in, you're in Vietnam, you're in Kandahar or something. What would I do under pressure?
What would I do under fire? I was fortunate, I didn't have to do any of that. About You know, you get married, you take a vow not to sound corny, but You know, 90% of it is pretty good. I mean, this is that 10%, it's rough.
Okay.
This is where you earn your medal. This is where you find out. Am I with a really good husband or was I just... You know, when you're young, and you know, I was successful, and we had money, and we could do things, and so there was never any real test, you know. And this, I think, it's a test.
And I enjoy doing it. It makes me feel good that it makes me feel good that I do enjoy doing it. Because You know, I never clearly quite know what the definition of love is. I think it comes down to. Uh the test to situations like this.
Okay.
I mean, I always knew I was in love with my wife. It's not a problem. But how much was I? You know? Was it so much that I would...
Um Sacrifice other things. I mean, I know guys that don't. They would rather. Do something else or be with someone else, or whatever might be, and I'm and I'm glad. I chose correctly and never did any of those things.
So I I I I don't know. It it's just I it it's just A test. You know, I I'm seventy-five years old. And the last 68 years have been just great. These have been a little taxy.
But that's okay. I I can't complain. I can afford have a nurse come in twice a week and check on her and I can afford to have a dentist guy come cleaner teeth at the house and do all these kind of things.
So I am very lucky. My heart goes out to people that are You know, policemen, firemen, nurses, teachers who don't Aren't fortunate enough to have the physical, I'm physical, the financial help that I Been able to have because of my job on TV and stuff.
So I have no complaints at all. I I I'm very happy. I'm fine. Uh you know Working with my wife, we went through a lot of times where she was angry and mad.
Now I know she trusts me more. I'm there every day. I use photographs like flash cards. Remember this picture, honey? Remember this one?
Remember this? Remember this? And maybe it's my imagination, but she's actually getting better. She's remembering things that she didn't three or four months ago. I go, oh, okay.
I just try to find every little victory that I can. But I think that's something that a lot of caregivers struggle with: they're looking for the big victories. But I love what you're saying. It's the little wins. And I've said that to more fellow caregivers: take the little win, take the small win.
You know, the only big win is somebody is cured. And you're not cured from this one. It doesn't work that way. The best you can hope for is hold it at bay. And wait for those moments, you know.
I I you know, I don't know. I mean, that's what works for me. I don't know if it works for everybody. I don't have a lot. I'm not a guy, I'm not a needy guy.
It's just not. my way you know I we grew up in New England and you're kind of independent and Everybody fends for themselves and you know, it's it it's just one of those life test and I'd like to think Then I passed, you know. I didn't pass many tests in my life, but... This one I I think I'm doing okay with.
Well, I would concur. You know, when you live in Hollywood, you have a lot of friends in therapy. When I was in New England, I didn't know anybody in therapy. Right. In Hollywood, everybody's in therapy school.
And you know, I said, you know what the greatest therapy is, and it really does work. Do something for somebody else. a stranger, an elderly neighbor, if it's not financial support. It's cutting the lawn, it's running it to the market if she doesn't drive, and she's 80 years old, whatever. It's amazing.
how good it will make you feel. I mean, it really is. I was just back in Rhode Island. I have a house there. And we did a bunch of shows for the.
for the martin luther king Food bank. And it was just so wonderful. It was just, you know, 100% of the money went to the food bank. And you feel so good that you are able to do something for people to help out your fellow human beings. And it's a great feeling, you know.
I mean, it really is. And it's not hard for me. I like to tell jokes anyway.
So, if that brings some joy for people, that's terrific. But you can do it in all kinds of different ways, be a caregiver. You know, when when I was growing up, The people lived in front of us had a had a child. With some horrible disease. I'm not sure what it's called.
The baby could not be on its own for more than 20 minutes or half an hour or its heart would stop.
Someone had to hold the baby and just gently shake it. all the time. And all the women in the neighborhood and some of the men took turns holding the baby, you know. And ours, my mother, was so afraid that She would go over in the middle of the night and she she's so afraid she'd fall asleep holding the baby, you know, and the baby would die or something like that. But That went on for like Uh until the child became a young adult.
and eventually passed away in the early 20s. But it was just the same kind of thing. Everybody felt that they were pitching in and they were helping a neighbor and helping somebody that had God forbid a problem you'd never want to have in your whole life. Imagine having a child with If you leave it for 15 minutes, his heart will stop. I mean, it was an unbelievable thing.
It was just like. Oh my God, you just passed this baby around, you know, and she's crazy. I just remember my mother going through that, but. How good it made my mother feel to be able to be a part of it, you know? And and me too.
And I I that w that was I don't know if that makes any sense at all. It makes a lot of sense. And there was a time where community being involved like that was preeminent. And I hope we can continue. back towards that because I think you're right, it does.
I'll let you go 'cause I know you're very busy. Can I ask you one question about comedy? And, you know, we're seeing a lot of stuff going on with the late night shows and so forth. You're out of that game, you don't have to do it, but your name comes up a lot. Do you ever think we'll get back to some of the things that you did, Letterman did, Carson did, with that kind of where comedy can be a uniter?
Do you think we'll get back to that is in the in in the middle of the yeah I mean I I'm on the road every I'm every week I'm somewhere doing shows. I mean you're there now. It's just Y you know, we live in an era now where everybody has to know how everybody feels about every issue. You know, and and we live in this world of stereotypes. If you're a vegetarian, then you're this and you're this and you're this.
If you own a gun, then you're this and you're this. I mean and and none of those are really true. I have good friends on both sides of the aisle, some I agree with, some I disagree with. But It doesn't affect our friendship, you know? You have to.
You have to be a bit understanding. Everybody's a bit different, but... You know, I I kind of blame social media. 'Cause people can hide behind things. They could post things with a phony name.
And and start a big ruckus. Very good analysis of all that's going on with it. And I love comedy. I've always loved your comedy. I've loved Stand Up for, I tried a little bit of it, but my life doesn't lend itself to that.
But I absolutely admire what you do. I sat out there and watched you and Jeff when you guys did that show together, and I watched two. guys at the pinnacle of their profession and i it was just enthralling jeff brings this uh storytelling thing that he does and the way you come out with jokes your dad was a fighter and and i was watching you telling jokes and and you're out there just hitting jokes i mean right and left body blows and if you didn't laugh at one you didn't have time to even think about it because here comes the next one and it was it was just it was a ride for for an hour that you did this i thought i just love this and so i thank you for that night gracie was with me that night and we were just howling and it was it was a great show and i hope that i'll be able to get to see you again live i don't think you come out to montana very much do you I get them on town once in a while, actually. Yeah.
Well, if you're coming, let me know, because we'd love to see you. We live kind of remotely here. But everybody might download this remotely.
Well, my wife was I remember when she got COVID. And she was the first person in our county to get COVID. And we live 10 miles from the paved road. And Jeff called me up and he said, How? How did this happen?
You live, you're out there with elk. I mean, there's nothing, and she had gone actually to a clinic over in Billings with their prosthetics, and that's where she got it. But first of all, county, but it was like, how? Because we live so far away from everybody, but it's a great place. But again, if you're coming this way, I'd love to know it because that was a great show.
I enjoyed your comedy, and I've enjoyed you for a lifetime, Jay. I've grown up watching you. And thank you for that. I appreciate it. Give Jeff my best.
I will do. Thank you for sharing your story with Mavis and just the love that you two have had and that love that is sustaining you in the midst of a very difficult time. But it shows that this was a great love. And you passed the test, Jay. You passed the test.
My mother would be thrilled. I didn't pass many of 'em.
So I appreciate it. Thanks so much. And I hope that we recorded this properly, that it did it all to my iPhone. I've never done it this way before. But if it didn't, I've enjoyed the conversation and I'm very grateful.
We'll do it again. All righty, my friend. Talk to you later. Thank you, bud. Bye-bye.
I hope you enjoyed this program today and this conversation I had with Jay Leno. It did record. How about that? You know, isolation is one of the toughest things that we as caregivers go through, and so many caregivers are struggling. in loneliness and isolation.
If you found this show to be meaningful, share it with somebody. Friends don't let friends care give alone, okay? This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. HopefortheCaregiver.com.
Gracie, when you envisioned doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think? The inmates would help you do that. Not in a million years. What does it do? I would have ever thought about that.
When you go to the facility run by Core Civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for and they're disassembling, you see all these legs like what you have, your own prosthetic limbs. And arms, too. And arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry.
Because I see the smiles on their faces and I know. I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out. Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long. When I go in there and I always get the same thing every time, that these men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one man said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that...
Parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea. I thought we were still in the 1800s and 1700s. I mean, you know, I thought of peg leg, I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of.
Titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and C legs and all that. I never thought about that. I had no idea.
Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that Core Civic offers? I think they're just absolutely Awesome, and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the Return rate. of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program. and other ones like it, but I know about this one. Are it's just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them.
And I think that that says so much. That says so much. about just that doesn't have anything to do with me it just has something to do with god using somebody broken to help other broken people be whole If people want to donate a used prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away, or you know somebody who outgrew them you've donated some of your own What's the best place for them to do? How do they do that? What do they find?
Please go to stanningwithhope.com/slash recycle, and that's all it takes. It'll give you all the information on the what's that website again? StanningwithHope.com/slash. Slash recycle. Thanks, Chris.
Take My hair. Lead on me, we will stay.
