Simple Ways to Love Your Daughter or Son (Part 2 of 2)

Here at Focus on the Family, we want to help you and your family thrive in your faith. That's why we've released a free audio program with 30 days of Bible readings. Listen to passages read by Adventures in Odyssey characters, Whit, Connie, and Jason, and we hope it's a helpful tool for your family to incorporate scripture into everyday life. Just a few minutes a day, that's all it takes.

Go to bringyourbible.org slash read with AIO. The real core of it is communicating that you actually like them as a person. Every parent loves their kids, right? Oh, I love my kids, yeah. But do you like them? Do you like being with them? Do you like their personalities?

Are they people that you value just because of who they are, not what they are going to accomplish or what they've done? Insights from Matt Jacobson describing how you and I can better parent our children through intentionality and respect, encouragement, even a hug from time to time. Matt and his wife Lisa are back with us today on Focus on the Family.

Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, we had a wonderful conversation last time with the Jacobsons, gleaning many of their insights from raising eight, eight, that's right, count them, eight kids. And I so appreciated their vulnerability and simple down-to-earth approach, really.

Matt and Lisa aren't experts by any means. They've made mistakes and have struggled at times in their parenting journey. But along the way, they've learned to love their children well, which I think if you read scripture, that's the most important thing. Last time they shared some great tips for raising sons and daughters, and I'm looking forward to more of the same today.

If you missed the conversation last time, you can get the download or a CD copy, or get our app so you can listen on the go. Yeah, the Jacobsons have a great message for parents born out of their experiences and based on scripture. And they've written a couple of books, 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter and 100 Ways to Love Your Son.

And you can find those books and more, including the audio from our conversation last time in the episode notes, or call 800 the letter A and the word family. John, we should also mention our Seven Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment. This is a free online resource based on research that's designed to help you maximize your role as mom or dad.

There's no formula for perfect parenting, but there are some predictors or factors that will help your kids thrive. Things like adaptability, boundaries, and grace and forgiveness. You can learn more about all the seven traits when you take the assessment at our website.

And again, you can find the link in the episode notes. And now let's return to our conversation with Matt and Lisa Jacobson on Focus on the Family. Let's get to your family mottos.

I think you have a couple of those. First of all, these aren't rules, obviously. These are mottos.

So what are they? Well, one of the principal ones is Jacobson's never give up. And where that gets applied is if the child is given a job to do, and somehow it's just so hard and I just can't do it.

Well, Jacobson's never give up. So you get to stay at it. And we work until the job's done, not until we're tired and don't want to do it anymore. And that's something that we've just spoken into their hearts from a very early age. I think you have a woodcutting example, right?

I would think being from the Northwest. Yeah, that's right. Well, yeah, we have a fireplace and we like a good, Lisa especially likes a good blaze in the winter. And what I do is I get a couple of cords of rounds.

That's the tree cut as a round, not cut into firewood. And I give the job to the boys. And in this case, I tell them, hey, you work like a man, you get paid like a man. So they're out there working away. And then the youngest of at the time, the youngest said, I'm just kind of tired. And the older two go, Jacobson's never give up.

So we're going to stay here until this gets done. And I think he was five, like you're so young. Oh, my goodness. By the time Britain carry with wielding five year olds. Oh, well, I think he got to pack mostly to pack the house. But yeah, but from the age of I would say, eight on eight or nine on Britain, our oldest and then the other kids as they came along, handled the wood. I never touched it for three years. I've never cut wood.

I've never started a fire except on a random occasion. So the kids, we give kids the jobs and then we expect them to do it. So that's Jacobson's never give up. And then there's always a way to get something done.

Yeah. Lisa, do you got one of the three or four that is your favorite of the mottos? Never give up. Obviously, never give in. There's always a way to get something done is super helpful.

Like your child would come in the room and they just have that. I don't know what to do. And and aren't we all fixers or is that just me? Like, I just want to help them. Can't you see that all you need to do instead of stopping myself and going, no, the best thing I can do is equip you to figure out you can figure out what needs to happen here. And this even just came up last week when we had an issue in the kitchen and our youngest son and whom I'm most prone to help those big blue eyes.

And he's got all those big blue eyes. I just give me this little helpless look and I'm just getting ready to I thought, no, Lisa, don't do it. Son, you can figure this out. Yeah, that's good.

Those are really good. Lisa, I do want to circle back on the beauty question because I think, you know, again, this is such a struggle for so many women and young women particularly. What is a practical way both for moms and then maybe, Matt, you could tell me for dads to to really affirm them in how God has created them. I want to make sure we hit that very squarely. And, you know, cover the gamut. Not everybody is going to be the front page of Vogue or whatever.

And how do you become comfortable as a young woman in how God and who God has made you? Well, I'll start off with the mistake I made early on is that I didn't want to emphasize beauty or looks because I thought that was a bad thing. I thought that was just emphasizing all the wrong things. So I talked a lot about how smart my girls were or how talented they were. And I rarely talked about their looks. And then when they were in their teenage years, several of the girls said to me, like, Mom, do you think I'm beautiful?

Of course you're beautiful. Didn't you know that? And I had I didn't think you would struggle with that. And I didn't know that that you needed to hear that from me.

So I switched tactics about that point. OK, I need to be pouring into it. I do need to emphasize those things. I do think you're beautiful. And that doesn't have to be a surface thing. Beauty is so much more than surface.

But the girls, they they did need to hear that they're attractive and they have beautiful eyes or lovely hair or lots of other positive traits. This was an experience that my wife had to go through. Her mom had a real emphasis on beauty, not not vanity, but just in beauty. And and I think Dina will tell you, she kind of reacted the other end of the spectrum.

And same thing with our girls. She did not emphasize a lot of that. And I think the Lord allowed me to kind of speak into that part of their life in a way that she just didn't feel comfortable doing. So we really are a team when it comes to parenting. Absolutely. Yeah, that's a good point.

And yeah. So you also urge parents to respect their kids. Some parents, this is huge because I think this is the relational breaking point when a parent can't develop or chooses not to develop respect.

And there's maybe some good rationalization, right? If you if you saw the way my child does not clean his room, does not do these things I expect of him, you wouldn't respect him either. So speak to me as that dad with that attitude.

Well, absolutely. So we like to say relative to the marriage relationship, if if a man isn't respecting his wife, he's in the process of destroying his marriage. And it's absolutely the same with your kids.

If you don't learn to respect your kids, you're actually creating distance. And I want to tell on myself. So we had a men's meeting yesterday morning in our church. And my the older sons that are at home attend.

And we were going around offering prayer requests. But I've got we've got this one son is pretty stoic doesn't say much of anything. But he's a very loving child, but he's just not very communicative. And I turned to him and I said, Hey, Sonny, you got something you want to share? Anyway, I put him on the spot.

He's 18 going on 19. But I put him on the spot in front of all the other men. The next morning, we had a conversation. And he said, Dad, I didn't feel respected by you in that moment.

And that's interesting. And so that's the last thing I want my kids to think is that I don't respect them. So I got to apologize to him and ask forgiveness. And so, but it's it's super critical to especially we're talking about those intervening years where they're transitioning to adulthood.

Yeah, they're gonna make a ton of mistakes. And remember how perfect you were as a parent at that age? Remember how far along you were? Right? Yeah.

And so we shouldn't expect our kids to encounter life and respond to it, as we do as mature adults. Yeah. Let me ask you, though, Matt, real practical. What does that respect look like? What? I mean, again, I could I could easily fall into the same trap that you had, because I'm trying to pull him out. I think I'm doing something good to say to him, Hey, do you have anything in front of everybody else? And maybe he'll step up and have the courage that I'm helping to develop to say something in front of 8, 10, 12 other guys. Yeah. So how do you what is respect toward your kids?

What does it look like? What are those things that we should be communicating? The first thing that we would tell our kids is you don't get respect because you walked in the room. You get respect because you earned it. Okay, so when they respond to maybe a large job that they're given when they're faithful with chores that they've had, and day in day out, they take care of them when they do really well on their schooling because they've applied themselves and they've studied and they've worked hard and have achieved something that those are all moments big and small. And if it's a toddler and he said, Take the cup and put it in the kitchen, you know, you affirm him in that. But telling your sons the word see, we all have these deep, wonderful feelings for our kids, right?

But they're not worth anything if we don't actually communicate to them those deep, wonderful feelings. So personally, I'm looking for opportunities all the time. And if it's a specific accomplishment, or if it's just a, an analysis that one of the kids made of some news story they saw, I'm affirming that I see some man, I really respect how you think.

I really, really love the way your brain works. Yeah, just looking for opportunities to give respect. And one of the ways to give respect to your kids is to stay out of the way of their sometimes good and sometimes bad decisions. Yeah, that's so hard. But it is so hard because you want to jump in and straighten out the crooked road and here's the better path.

Don't do that and do this. In that regard, would you encourage a dad or mom to actually especially with their older teen children, because I could see that even in my own relationship, it'd be good for me to sit down and say, how can I show you respect? What do I do today that undermines my respect for you? Because my respect for you is sky high.

Absolutely. Sometimes, you know, the way I ask a question or the way I engage with you may may communicate a lack of respect. And that's never my intention.

Can you help me better understand? That's how I would have to do it. Because sometimes I'm just thick headed. Sure.

Sure. Well, we want the best and we know the best, right? We think we do. And we're, we're so ready with our advice.

I've actually asked my kids that. Yeah. And I'm thinking I'm going to do that I'm thinking of one in particular. And he said, every time we get together to talk, I feel like you're coming at me with your answer, as opposed to just letting me figure it out. And even though that's one of our mottos in life, you can figure it out. But as their older teens and the stakes are getting higher for the decisions that they make, you go, okay, there's some serious ditches on the side of either side of this road. And you kind of want to weigh in a little more heavily.

But you have to let your kid be the person that God created them to be. Let me let me say it this way. Because I'm learning this ditches aren't all bad. No, they're very instructive. They're very instructive.

They're very tough. Define that ditch. Okay, I'm not going to do that. But I'm just saying that the Lord is in the ditch to with you. And I just see so many strong young people that have moments of weakness, they fall into the ditch. And then when you can parent well in that environment to allow them to crawl out of that ditch. That can be a life long spiritual education.

Yeah. And it could be used to get them closer to the Lord. And isn't it an irony that we will pray as a couple in bed at night, Lord, I pray for our kids, I pray for our child, that he would grow closer to you.

And then the Lord says, Okay, and then he takes them into a ditch to get them closer to him. And we panic. And isn't that an irony that we would panic in that environment rather than be doing all the good things we've talked about so far? No, it is. But you can even verbalize that to your son or daughter, you can say, this is what I see. And here are the options here the potential consequences. But it's your decision to make and I'm going to respect you, whatever decision you make.

Yeah. Lisa, let me ask you something that was on your website about that transition from, you know, working in a job that you enjoyed getting married, then you talk about having kids, and now the importance of having at least one parent at home and mom, is that going to be you? And that was a discussion Jean and I had, I mean, she was coming out of a, she was in the lab at a university teaching students about gene splicing with nuclear material. I was like, what are you doing? And you know, when we were getting pregnant, that wasn't a good environment for the health of Trent, it would have been at that time. But setting that aside and then seeing the job of being a mom and the importance of it, how did you process all that? Yeah, becoming a mother was a huge shock to me. Because I was raised in a home that was just more, a little more career minded.

I had lots of, I traveled a lot, I had a lot of schooling. And so becoming a mother and all of a sudden having this huge responsibility in these little people was overwhelming to me. It was a big adjustment. And I thought I would be better prepared for it. I thought it was the first time I found myself in a place that I didn't feel like I was good at it. I knew the stakes were high, like I knew I was impacting these people's lives.

And so it, it really threw me on my knees to say, Okay, Lord, you're going to have to help me see what I can do here and how I need to grow as a person. Yeah. And I think, boy, I resonate with that idea that you came from a family that valued education, professionalism, the degrees. Isn't that true?

I mean, Jean would have come from that as well. And I just think for that woman, particularly to then value being a great mom and what it's going to take to do that. There's so much pressure on young women today to be everything. You can't do it.

Yeah. What advice in that way for that 27 year old who's been married two years, they're talking about getting pregnant. What advice do you have for that woman who's maybe in a career that she's enjoying? Well, so personally, I believe you get one shot at being a mother and impacting these children's lives. And so for me, I would say, go all out and be a mother. And not that I didn't do other things occasionally. And I did have, I helped Matt with his business at times, but my whole focus was my home. Let me ask you though, how does a woman, I agree, it's an awesome responsibility to put all your attention in that direction, not to derive, you know, what the world's going to say, what are you doing? Don't you like selling things?

I mean, no, but, but where did they derive their sense of meaning and worth in that regard? I think it's scrambled right now for a lot of 25 to 40 year old women. Yeah. Well, when I am, I have a lot of younger women in my life and that I disciple and mentor and I tell them, I actually didn't do a lot of other things when I was raising young kids. I was mostly at home. It's a full time job and it makes such a difference. Those foundational years for more pleasant years ahead. Well, do they exhale or do they get aggravated or both? Probably exhale.

They actually need permission to go, you know what, it's okay for this season. It doesn't mean it's going to be forever. They know that now that my kids are older and most of them are on the house that I am doing a lot of other things and I'm excited to do those things. But back then I said, I just didn't really do much. I was really at home with my kids and it made it for pleasant teenage years and they see the relationships I have with my 20 year old daughters and sons. And it's a beautiful thing that those investment years totally, if you will, paid off. Well, I think what I'm driving at is trying to raise the value of being at home.

I mean, it's priceless and it's far better than selling credit cards. Let me tell you, I think. Well, absolutely. And when you have a vision for what God is doing in the world. Yeah. And he's doing it through you with these first disciples that he entrusted to you because you really are discipling them.

Right. And the Bible talks about raising your child in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. And that that can only happen with a real concerted focus. And again, putting the priorities where God puts them because God talks of children as this great blessing, this great inheritance that you're receiving your quiver, your quiver. So, so am I valuing my kids in the manner that the Bible values them and, and the emphasis that the Bible places on them. And so if you align yourself with that kind of thinking, once again, I go back to the priority question.

You always have time for your real priorities. It's a great self reflection. Let me ask you about identity and building a child's identity in Christ. I think, you know, we've touched on it, but you encourage parents to speak God's truth and do their children's minds and hearts.

How have you done that with your own children? Well, we've started out just by having a great marriage. Okay. And concentrating on it.

Absolutely. And I know that a lot of people can't do that because of life and where it has taken them. But it's super important for a husband and a wife to be, to live in harmony with each other and to love each other and to respect each other. That's a great identity starting place for your kids that they see this modeled and they, they have a sense of security in the marriage and in the home. But also you get to do it by example on other non-marriage related things. How am I interacting with them in challenges?

How am I, how am I responding? Giving them an example to follow and then just speaking very directly into their lives about what God's doing in the world. And you're part of that. You are what God's doing in the world.

You've got this tremendous place, this tremendous gifting that's going to unfold over time. God has a great use of that for his kingdom. And so giving them a vision and a perspective for who they are and also teaching your kids not to evaluate their own personal worth based on the things that they're looking at in society. So much of it is, is artificial.

So much of it is, has nothing to do with reality. And yet those images, those messages from the advertising world, for instance, that you know, you really don't measure up teaching them to recognize that that's not the voice of truth speaking to them. God values them tremendously. And so giving them a biblical perspective on who they are and how God values them.

That's the starting place. And then celebrating their gifts as they come along. We have one son, his name is Dauntless, which means undauntable. And boy, does he embody that name. He signed up.

He's 16 and he's ready to run a country, you know. Good for him. But what I've told him and what we tell our other kids, you've got this great gifting and we love it, even though sometimes it kind of comes back our way. But we love that gifting that God has given you. And just to help them see the awesome creation that they are and speaking that into their lives on a regular basis. And I so appreciate that.

Let in the end here, if we can, let the nitty gritty of where it's gone wrong. And I'm mindful of that. I feel like, you know, we have a really good relationship with our boys. It's almost sweeter by the day. And I love that. You know, we've gone through our difficulties at junior high and high school that are so common.

It's called independence, right? And parents struggle with that phase. Kids struggle with that phase. And Jean, my wife, has done such a good job of kind of letting go.

And it's hard for mom. And I observed it. And we would talk about it. And we'd have our pillow prayer time. And, you know, how do we let them own their decision making now?

And she's just done a fantastic job. And it's been great to see our boys turn to us rather than away from us. But I'm mindful of the parents that are going, hmm, my kids now 22. We don't have that relationship. I didn't learn that lesson soon enough. There's angst. There's pain.

There may not even be connection because that child, you know, they just, they walked away. What do you do when that's happening? How do you, I'm sure you've counseled people. How do you begin as the adult, as the older adult to repair that damage? Well, damage comes from a lot of different sources. And sometimes it's parent inflicted.

Sometimes it's based on the decisions that a child made and the path that it set them on and the decisions that they keep making on that path. So the only thing you can do is do what the prodigal son's father did. He stood and he was ready with open arms.

He was ready. And just to have that open posture, even if your child has hurt you deeply to have that posture of, you know what I believe in what God wants to do in your life. And I love you communicate that you love them. Own the mistakes.

If you've made them own them. Lisa and I have both had to ask forgiveness of our children individually from one time or another for mistakes that we've made for, for responding in the flesh and whatever it is that, that, that was negative that you did that you own, own it, speak that to your child, tell them that you recognize that you've made a mistake and, and then, and then ask for forgiveness. And, and it's, it puts you in a humble position, but I think that's exactly where God would have us as parents is to have a humble heart in what we're doing. And the main thing is if, if you're in a circumstance like that is to have this open heart policy.

I'm so ready for you to come home. Yeah. Oh, that's a beautiful, beautiful thought. And I think the key there too, and I, you know, I see it, you've got to, you got to garden the heart. Absolutely. And what I mean by that is you got to uproot bitterness.

You got to get that spade and dig around those, those nasty roots to get those weeds out of the garden. Right. Yeah. And we need to be proactive in that way. And so often that garden, that relationship between us as a mother or father with our sons or daughters, we, we just ignore it. And that garden gets overrun. Yeah. And then it's a big job to try to weed it all out.

And that would be one of the things you got to concentrate on, do the hard work, be engaged, love your children, let them know so that they can come away feeling like if nobody else cares about me, I know mom and dad care about me. Isn't that the truth? Wow. Thanks for being with us. This has been so good. It's been a bit therapeutic for me what I need to do and where I need to go. And I hope the listeners have enjoyed this as well and get a copy of these two books.

If you have sons and daughters, if you only have one, that's fine. We'll we'll send that to you, but 100 ways to love your son, 100 ways to love your daughter, just a great tool in the toolbox to do a better job parenting. And if you can make a gift to focus for any amount, we'll send you your choice of one of these books or both. Just let us know what you need and we'll get that out to you as our way of saying thank you for being a part of the ministry.

Yeah. We're supported by those who listen and watch, and we would rely on your donations in the coming months if you'd be capable of making a generous donation. So contact us today, contribute as you can and request either one of these books, 100 ways to love your son or 100 ways to love your daughter. Our number is 800-AFAMILY and the link is in the episode notes. And on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.