House or Home - Parenting Edition - What's a Parent to Do?, Part 1

Let's face it, we all want our kids to turn out right.

We want to have a great relationship with them when they grow up, and we want them to love God and others. It's pretty simple. Here's the question. What do we exactly do to see that happen? If you're interested, stay with me.

That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. And in just a minute, he'll continue our series, House or Home, Parenting Edition, highlighting some specific roles and responsibilities of moms and dads laid out for us in God's Word. Well, there's a lot of helpful advice and wisdom to get to, so if you're ready, go in your Bible to Ephesians chapter 6 for Chip's talk, What's a Parent to Do? It was about, oh, I'd have to say my kids were all pretty small. Even my oldest were probably maybe 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 years old right in there, and we had some younger ones, and I was like many parents reading a lot of books on how to be a good parent. I was overwhelmed, didn't know what I was doing.

They seemed to be doing okay, but what I knew was I had not a clue. And I read a book by a fellow named John White. I would tell you the name of the book if I could remember it, but I don't.

But I can remember a quote in the book. And John White is in a campus ministry at this time in his life, and he's interviewing a engineering student. And it's at a major college, and it's a college ministry. And as he interviews and talks to this student, gets to know him, he just recognizes this student is like, you know, you use words like sharp, godly, great values.

You know, where did he get this? Maturity beyond his years, other-centered, compassionate. And so he interviewed him and, you know, he said, so what do you want to do?

I mean, later when you kind of grow up and get beyond college and, you know, what do you really want to be? And he said, I want to be like my dad. And so he said, oh, that's great. You want to be an engineer like your dad?

He had learned that his father was an engineer, and he's majoring in engineering. He said, no, no, no. I want to be a Christian like my dad. He said, what? He said, yeah, my dad is the greatest Christian I know. I want to be like him.

And I'll never forget John White in the book. He said, as I was talking, this young man was taking notes. After he said that, I got out a sheet of paper and I started taking notes. And literally he said, well, to be honest, I've never heard anyone say that. What is it about your dad that makes you want to be like him? And he starts taking notes. Well, what did he do when you were young?

Or what do you do now? I mean, he just said, I started taking notes and thought to myself, what would it be like? I mean, the goal, the dream of every parent is to raise a kid that loves God with all of his heart or all of her heart and soul and mind and strength and wanted to be around you.

And he said, I thought to myself, that's what I want. And that's what this session is about. And we're going to ask and answer the question, what does it take to raise kids that love God and love you when they're grown? How do you parent in such a way that your kids feel about you and feel about God the way that this young man did as he talked to John White?

And the answer there in terms of overview is Ephesians chapter 6. We just touched on it and read it as an overview. But there's four key words that I want to go a little bit deeper. Four key words that give us the answer to how do you raise kids? What are you to do as a parent? We talked about what we're to be.

What are you to do? The first word in Ephesians chapter 6 where it says, don't overcorrect in addresses to fathers, which really is important in our day. I was talking to my son and Teresa this morning. We were having coffee and talking about parenting. And I was reviewing and preparing for this talk. And I read an old article. It was a 1993 Time magazine.

I mean thick. It was all about fathering. Fathering and the issues. And the fellow who wrote the article did a number of research. He said in the 1830s, almost all the information written to families was addressed to the father.

Then the industrial revolution occurred. The father became more and more outside the home. And he says by the late 1890s, early 1900s, almost all the literature was written to mothers.

He says then the shift continued to occur where basically the role of a man and a father got very vague to the point where what the article was talking about now was a complete absence of fathers either not in the home, about half of all kids will grow up without a dad in the home. And what you can do when you do the research is juvenile delinquency. 70% of all juvenile delinquents that are in juvie hall right now don't have a dad. That's what they have in school.

Failure in school, drugs. I mean the common denominator is this absent father. And I read this article and I thought isn't it interesting that what they basically said was the dad is asked to be an assistant mom instead of a strong, powerful, clear leader. And isn't it interesting when you go back to scripture, it's not parents don't exasperate your children.

What's it say? Fathers. The moral responsibility for what's happening in the home isn't to mom.

The moral responsibility, she may be more available, she may spend more time but fathers don't exasperate or provoke. The way we do that is by overcorrection or being harsh or finding fault or perfectionism. Sometimes you can literally provoke your children by being overprotective. You know you don't want anything bad to happen to them so they don't learn the skills. You can show favoritism. Some parents, you'll never amount to anything. Don't go out for that.

You'll never make that. You can produce, literally the word here means to develop an angry mood in the heart of your child. And some people do it just by neglect. Parents provoke their children to anger because they work so much to quote provide for their kids that they neglect them.

Because time is the greatest commodity you ever give your child. Second thing that we looked at a little bit, bring up nurture, rear, tenderly develop, a sphere of. It's the idea of all that goes in, the positive command, all that we do to develop our children. And then the word discipline here, I want you to get as you hear this word discipline, I need to get it sort of reoriented in your mind because when we think discipline, you know I think my first thought is getting spanked in junior high for throwing snowballs at a bus. I mean the word discipline has a lot of negative connotations where you discipline your child. When the Bible uses the word discipline, it's really speaking about the actions that you have or what is done to the child. So notice in your notes, this word bring up or discipline, it's translated in the King James nurture.

It's translated in the revised version as chastise and the exact same word in 2 Timothy 3.16 is translated training. So you get the idea the word discipline isn't like you're just angry at your kids and try and get them to do something. It has the whole spectrum of nurturing, training, in a word it's what is done to the child.

Then instruction here, also it's translated warn, admonish, correct, reprove and implore and that's what's said to the child. So in summary, if you want kids that someday by the grace of God would say, I want to be just like my mom, I want to be just like my dad. In summary, we are to parent with love and with limits. With love and with limits.

And it's interesting that this ancient text is verified by a sociological study. I developed this a lot more significantly in this book Effective Parenting and we spend a lot of time talking about these four parenting styles but they did a study, Reuben Hill and Minnesota and if you can imagine a y-axis in geometry and an x-axis, okay, and that produces four quadrants. And over here is, this would be from your perspective, this would be a hundred points of love or a hundred points in control or discipline. This would be a hundred points in love and so you have how strict the parent is and disciplined and how loving he is. And these four quadrants, I put them in your notes, quadrant number one is a parent that's high in love and low in discipline.

It results in low self-esteem and inferiority. This is parents that have a fearful style. I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want to hurt her little psyche, you know, I didn't ever get to do anything when I grew up so this is the permissive parent.

Lots and lots of love but not a lot of limits. The second style is the neglectful family. This is the one that's low in love and low in discipline. This is no intimacy, no bonding, no respect.

This is just a forsaking style. The kid just feels like nobody gives a rip about me. The third style is high in discipline but low in love and this is the authoritarian. The result as a child is provoked to rebellion, anger and depression. This is sort of the mini Hitler parent. There's no small issues, big issues.

Don't you look at me that way, you know, you need to eat all that right now, what's wrong with you? I'll tell you, don't you ever, I mean it's just like on and on and on, rules, rules, rules, rules, hyper, hyper, hyper. We got to win the big wars. We got to understand there's a lot of small battles and if we don't balance the love with the discipline, as soon as kids can check out, they do. It's interesting that this study, the authoritative parents that were high in love, high in discipline, resulted in kids that had high self-esteem, good coping skills, positive relationships and respect for their parents and tended to prosper in other relationships. What I want you to hear here is that God's word says we need to parent our kids with love and limits. Imagine if you willed like two big guardrails and your kids are going to go through ups and downs and all the rounds and the biggest thing I would say to parents now, I wasn't this way when I was a young parent, is relax, okay?

Every issue is not a life or death one. Relax a little bit and what you need to know is you got to set these limits and they can't have their own way and you need to kind of break their little wills without crushing their spirit and at the same time, they're going to do stuff that makes you crazy and they need to know no matter what they do, you love them, you're for them, whether you feel like it or not. Now, if you turn to the page, your next notes, what I want you to see is this, God gives us a picture of exactly how He parents and I think anytime we get something from God saying this is how I parent you, then we have a great model because at the end of the day, the problem in my heart and the problem with your kid's heart is they sin, right?

They're selfish and when you're selfish, it always brings death. I mean the Bible's really clear, sin produces separation or death. When there's sin with kids beating up one another, when they're disrespectful, when they don't obey God, it produces separation and death and so Hebrews chapter 12, verses 4 through 11, He introduces it with this sense of you have not struggled with sin to the point of shedding blood.

I mean Jesus fully God, fully man yet without sin and yet being fully human, He wrestled with temptation and in every way like us yet without sin and it's in this context of what Jesus has done for us who blazed the trail and then He shifts gears in verse 4 and 5 and begins to talk about how your heavenly Father parents you and then He provides a model of love and limits. Now I'm gonna read this. I'll read it kinda slowly and as I read it, I want you to listen for the word discipline but when you hear discipline, don't hear your American view of the word. Think of nurture, what is done, development, okay? And then I want you to listen for words that communicate love, words like son, words like love, words like concern.

Are you ready? Follow along as I read. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. Reference to Christ. And have you forgotten the word of encouragement that addresses you as sons? My son do not make light of the Lord's discipline and do not lose heart when He rebukes you. Notice discipline, what God does rebukes what God says because the Lord disciplines those He loves and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son. In your notes, put a line through punishes. This is not the best translation and write forcefully corrects. Because in our world, the word punishment is paying someone back for doing something wrong.

This is forcefully correcting to bring about a positive result. He goes on to say, endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? And then he goes on to even make the point, if you're not disciplined and everyone undergoes discipline, then you're illegitimate children and not true sons.

In other words, if you weren't disciplined, it means someone didn't even really care. Illustration, in case you didn't get the point, verse nine. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the father of our spirits and live? Our fathers, our human fathers, disciplined us for a little while as they thought best. But God disciplines us for our good, and then underline this phrase, that we may share in his holiness. Do you see how it comes back to that target, how it comes back to that ultimate desire, the goal?

So God disciplines us for our good, our good in relationship with him, our good in relationship with others, and ultimately so that we might share in his holiness. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll return you to today's message shortly, but first, are you a mom or dad who feels disconnected from your kids? And does that idea make you question whether you're having an impact at all as a parent? Well, join us after the teaching as Chip explains why parents are vital to a family's health and highlights a few resources we've developed to help you reconnect with your kids. Keep listening to learn more. Well, with that, here again is Chip. And then now notice the summary.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Notice those last words, a harvest of righteousness. He now uses an agricultural term. What do you know about harvest?

If a farmer goes and plants some seed, he doesn't say, okay, I went to bed. I come back in two days. It doesn't work. What's going on?

What's going on? I planted them two days ago. What do you know about harvesting? You never reap in the same season that you sow.

See, the tough part about being a really good parent, a godly parent, is you keep sowing the seeds of what's right, of doing discipline, limits, love for significance, concern. You do that. You do that. You do that. You do that.

And there's times where it seems like nothing's happening. But you sow. Later you reap a harvest of righteousness.

Notice what's the goal? What's the harvest? It doesn't say a harvest of success. It doesn't say a harvest of upward mobility. It doesn't say a harvest of a super sport star.

It doesn't say a harvest of high SAT scores. Now, if those things come, praise God. But those are by-products.

Those are secondary. It's a harvest of righteousness. You have a young man or a young woman who loves God, walks with God, and obeys Him, not because they ought or should, because they want to, because they're sharing in His holiness. And then notice the other part, a harvest of righteousness and peace.

How many young people have zero peace? I mean, they're just hooked to electronic or a something or a someone or a pressing, or they're on the performance trap that many of us have been on. And then at the very end of the passage, did you notice that little word, who have been trained by it, not taught by it? Training involves time, a process, and repetition.

See, the problem with parenting is that it is a sowing in one season, a reaping in another, and it takes time, it takes repetition, and it takes a very specific process. If you've ever met anyone who's great in music or art or athletics, I will tell you this, they went into training. They went into training.

They were up early swimming laps when everyone else was sleeping. See, there's training. You go into training. And that's what we're doing.

We're helping our kids go into training. This is who God is. This is how life works.

Here's where the boundaries are. I love you no matter what. No, you can't have your way.

I'm sorry. Everyone else and everyone else's parents lets them do that. I love you more than they love their kids. So this is the way it's going to be in our house.

And you know what? They don't like you and they slam the door and you don't love me and you're so strict and you're so. But your house is where the fun is. Your house is where the love is.

Your house is where there's limited media. Your house is where there's two parents toward this is the goal, here's the journey and here's the process. Now for some of you there's not another parent.

And whether that's their over fighting a war or you're a widow or you're divorced and we'll talk about that later. But that's the journey. And notice the summary here. Discipline is teaching obedience to God and his word through consistent consequences, that's discipline, actions and clear instructions, words in an atmosphere of love. And circle the word discipline there after summary and then put an arrow and write the root word is disciple.

Right? Isn't that what we're supposed to do is make disciples? Well a disciple is disciplined. A disciple is learning.

A disciple goes into a process. Go into all the world. Well tell you what, before you go into all the world just look right inside your home. The number one disciples on the face of the earth that you have responsibility for is your own kids. Reminder, they will be your source of the greatest joys on this planet. They will be the source of the greatest sorrows you'll ever have on this planet. They are the greatest and most precious gift ever entrusted to you and they're the most overwhelming responsibility. And so you disciple them.

You go into training. Now notice what discipline does. The necessity of discipline is why?

To deter destruction. I mean remember the Old Testament and David is a great warrior. He's a great musician. He's a great man after God's own heart but he's a passive dad. He doesn't discipline when Absalom does stuff. He doesn't discipline when one of the other sons and I'll tell you what, his life becomes a train wreck at the personal level because he won't step up and do what he needs to do and therefore it brings destruction. The whole point of discipline is yes, you're going to be the bad guy for a while but you're going to prevent your kids from destruction.

Notice it goes on. The means of discipline is action in words. It's done in an atmosphere of love but it's things you do, things you say. The motive in discipline is to express love. Remember it said God's discipline is evidence that you're a legitimate child. In my research in my thesis on parenting when I was in seminary, this just amazed me.

I'll never forget doing this study. Juvenile delinquents overwhelmingly said I knew my parents cared about me and loved me when they disciplined me and I knew they didn't give a rip when they never did. I mean even juvenile delinquents are saying I didn't like it but when they cared enough to set boundaries and enforce it, something deep in my psyche and my soul knew they care. When you don't discipline and you don't want the hassle and you don't get up off the lazy board, when you won't put the remote down, when you won't put the phone down, when you're so busy with your life and your social issues and your upward mobility and all the stuff that we're all tempted with and you kind of let it slide and let it slide and make excuses like they're just going through a phase and all kids go through this and everyone else's kids are like this and it'll probably work out later.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's laziness. It takes extraordinary focus and urgency and discipline to raise great kids and that means you've got to turn the thing off.

You've got to have structured time. You go into training to set limits in a loving way that produce kids that learn to understand who God is and love Him. The goal is to teach them obedience.

Obedience is that inward hearing of God's voice and responding to it immediately. We want to help them learn to be free of the bondage of selfishness and self-centered living. We're in a culture that's raising narcissists. We're raising a whole generation of people. I mean, and by the way, please don't take this like, oh, our kids should never be on Facebook or this or that, but just kind of back up as you see the whole social media thing rolling out bigger and bigger and bigger. And you think of all the things unconsciously we do as parents that often, I mean, the motives I think from the heart are good.

The methodology is not only wrong, it's stupid. So we're going to have our entire family revolve around our eight-year-old schedule. And so we all travel and spend money and buy uniforms, and our whole world for 48 hours out of every seven days is about everything our kids are doing. Or they have to be involved in this, this, and this, so we eat supper together that someone actually cooks about once every two weeks, and we can't figure out why we don't have close bonding relationships. Well, because they have to be involved in this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, because I fear, what if they don't get all the opportunities of, you know the opportunities they're missing?

You. You know the opportunities they're missing? Stability. You know the opportunities they're missing?

Regularity, focus, time, sharing, unhurriedness. You want to produce a great athlete? I'm an old coach.

I mean, I did my graduate work in sports psychology. Take your kid in the backyard with a ball and throw it with them, and don't get him involved in all this stuff until the motor skills are ready, and the readiness is ready here, and then be selective about how much you do, and set some limits and boundaries, and let them figure out what they're best at, and give them multiple opportunities, and then relax. How many 12 and 13-year-olds have now that are burnt out on sports?

Well, my lands, they've been doing it since they're two. There's something wrong with groups of angry, screaming parents and passive kids. Go, go, go, go, when you have to run with the kids. Here's first base. Now you've got to go. You know, the kids like this.

I mean, someone ought to say, stop the insanity. Eat a nice, leisurely Saturday morning breakfast. Take a walk together. Have a meal together. Go out in the backyard. Get a little plastic ball. Roll something here. Have fun. Be a family. All of that developmental stuff's going to happen.

And I'm off on a little tangent, so I might as well just finish it up, alright? Your kid is not going to be in the NBA, in the NHL, or the Olympics, okay? Just take that one to the bank. They're not going to be. Or the NBA. So if they are, they will be thrown into a life of extraordinary amounts of money and fame that will produce the outcomes that will be the very opposite of what you would ever want. 20-year-olds making $15 or $20 million a year end up putting white powder up their nose and living lives of absolute destruction because human beings, by and large, cannot handle that much money and that much fame.

And yet, you would think that that would be the agenda that we want. Here endeth the mini sermon within the sermon. The result of discipline is short-term pain and long-term gain.

Short-term pain and long-term gain. And so all I want you to know is everything I've shared, we can kind of agree mentally in here or not agree and think, oh, wow, boy. So much of what we're doing right now as parents is an unconscious following after it. Well, this is what everyone else is doing. And I don't mean everyone else out there. I mean, this is what other Christian parents are doing.

All the other Christian parents I know are living insane lives and they're little minivans and traveling here and there and they don't eat together and they don't have much time together and, you know, their 9-year-old has a phone, so shouldn't ours? Well, stop and think about what do you want to produce? Where are you headed? I mean, especially some of you that, you know, you work in construction or you work in business and, you know, or you work and you start with the end in mind. Ask yourself what do you want to build and then ask yourself what are you doing today? You have strategic plans in your work, don't you?

You have strategic plans about projects that you do. Well, ask yourself if sharing in God's holiness and producing this kind of a child is the goal and you back it up and you say this is where we're at right now. What are we doing and what are we saying to produce that as the goal?

And here's what I'll tell you. When that's the goal, because as ranting and raving as I was, on the side my kids ended up very successful in sports and in music and in scholarship and doing good things. But that was not my goal.

You know, that they made first team or became great at this or that. Praise God, I'm really thankful. But that's a nice byproduct if God so allows it. It's a real lousy goal.

It's a real lousy goal because they can hit that one and lose all the things that count. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, What's a Parent to Do?, from our series, House or Home, Parenting Edition. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Are you an overwhelmed or discouraged parent, desperate for practical wisdom and guidance in raising your kids?

Well, if that's you, Chip's got your back. He'll equip moms and dads with God's blueprint for parenting. With a little courage and intentionality, you'll discover how to better communicate with your kids, reduce stress in your home, and have a joy-filled family.

You're not going to want to miss a word of this insightful series. Chip's back in studio with me now, and Chip, the dynamics of family life have changed so dramatically over the last decade or so. There's so much more competing for our kids' attention in our world, which leaves many parents feeling disconnected. Now, what can we do to encourage and support those discouraged moms and dads? Well, that's a great question, David.

I see it everywhere. And we at Living on the Edge, you've heard this, we are absolutely committed to reaching the next generation. And the most important players in reaching the next generation is really, it's not pastors or youth leaders.

Those are important. It's moms, dads, and grandparents. And so what we've done is we've put together three free digital resources that are super practical, super helpful for a mom, a dad, or a grandparent to actually engage with your kids to help them learn who God is, how to walk with Him, and help you be an effective parent. First is our Field Kit for Parenting. It outlines seven key practices for godly parenting. This tool is going to help you as a mom or a dad understand your role, your parenting style, and then highlight some practical ways in that touchy area of biblical discipline. Next is what we call Mealtime Conversations for Families. This will encourage you to set some times of family around the dinner table and give you some wholesome topics to spark conversation that goes first kind of fun and then deeper about the bigger issues of life. And lastly, the resource is How to Build Christian Character in Your Kids.

In it, you're going to learn how to instill the qualities in your children that help them become authentic disciples of Christ. There has never been a more important time for you to engage with your kids, and we want to help equip and support you in this very most important job as a mom, a dad, and especially as a single parent. Dave, could you let them know how to get a hold of these free resources? Be glad to, Chip. To learn more about any of these free digital parenting tools, visit SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app. We want to see families thrive and honor God, and that starts with moms and dads parenting well, and we believe these resources can help.

So download them today by visiting SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app. Well, with that, here again is Chip to share a few final words. As we close today's program, many people listening to what you've heard from God's Word right now, I imagine are feeling kind of down on yourself. You know, we're overextended, we're super busy, I'm pushing my kids, I'm not disciplining very well, I'm way too permissive, I'm authoritative, I'm struggling, and you know, just before you get into all of that and the enemy starts all those waves of condemnation, God knows where you're at, and He's your Father, and He loves you, and the fact that you care so much about your kids that you're down on yourself, that's actually a pretty good sign. There's some parents that don't give a rip. If they heard something come on the radio or someone sent them a link to listen to something about kids, they would blow it off, because you know why? They don't care the way you care. But it's a journey, and we're the product of our homes, and we're the product of our culture, and even the Christian culture, I can just tell you, we start drifting, and we have drifted quite far from God's ordained truth about disciplining our kids, and it creates a lot of pressure and a lot of effort to raise our children the way God wants us to.

But I will tell you, the results are worth it. But just before you kind of just beat yourself up and say, I don't think I can do this, I don't really know how, and spend the rest of the day kind of discouraged, I want to give you a word of affirmation that God is very pleased that you're that concerned. So, number one, just tell him you need help. I mean, sometimes we get into, what do I do? What do I do? What's my next plan? Why don't you just stop and say, you know, Lord, I want to be a good mom.

I really do. And just from what I've heard, I know there's some priorities and some issues and some things we need to address, or I want to be a good dad, and I'm working too much, or I'm too passive at home. But rather than go down the guilt trip, what if you just said, Lord, would you help me?

You love my kids. Would you help me discern what's the next step? What do you want me to do just today? And would you forgive me? God is not down on you.

He just got your attention and wants you to respond. Thanks for that encouraging word, Chip. As we wrap up this program, Living on the Edge depends on listeners like you to help us continue encouraging Christians to live like Christians. So would you consider becoming a monthly partner to help others benefit from this ministry? You can set up a recurring donation at livingontheedge.org, or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate. And thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. We'll listen to next time as Chip picks up in his series House or Home Parenting Edition. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.