House or Home - Parenting Edition - Is There a Parent in the House?, Part 2

Someone has rightly said that raising kids is the most difficult and the most rewarding thing we'll ever do.

Well, I got news for you. I've raised four kids and I got the difficult part down. And the people that I talk to know a lot about the difficult. But I want to talk to you today about how to make it rewarding and rich and positive. Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. Today we're picking up where we left off last time in our series, House or Home, parenting edition. In this program, Chip continues defining how God-honoring moms and dads should think, act, and relate to their kids.

There's a ton of helpful advice to get to. So here's Chip with the second half of his message, Is There a Parent in the House? from Ephesians chapter 6. Second timeless principle is godly parenting demands we practice what we preach. We practice what we preach.

Sounds pretty basic. The Apostle Paul writes to a church that he's very close to and they had a few struggles. And he talks about his relationship with him like a parent, a father speaking to his children. We pick up the story in 1 Corinthians 4, 14-16, he says, I'm not writing this to shame you, but to warn you as my dear children. Even though you have 10,000 guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For in Christ Jesus, I became your father through the gospel.

So what he's saying is a lot of people tell you what to do, a lot of people give you advice. Look, I'm your father in the gospel. I led you to Christ. I care. Notice his application.

Very small little application. Starts with the word therefore. Therefore, I urge you to imitate me. Circle the word imitate and right above it write M-I-M-I-C. You now know a new Greek word, mimic. Oh, that's an English word, isn't it?

Now that is the word. You know what he says? Mimic me. Mimic me. Pray like I pray. Worship like I worship.

Spend your money like I spend my money. Respond to evil the way you watch me, respond to evil. Have a work ethic the way you see me do it, the way I work with tents.

See, here's the deal. It's the principle of modeling. We must be what we want our children to become. You cannot impart, as my favorite professor used to say, what you do not possess.

I can't impart. I want my kid to be this godly kid, this godly daughter. I want him to be a man or woman of integrity. I want him to be a generous person. I want him to be a kind person. I want him to persevere. I want him to learn to work hard. I want him to be sensitive to others. I want him to care about other people.

I want him to make a difference. Guess what? More is caught than taught.

Sending him to Sunday school, sending him to a Christian school, telling him now and then that that's really important, all those have value. But my background in graduate and undergraduate work was in psychology, and if you've been around any of the research, the name Bandura will ring a bell. And Bandura's work was in modeling. The most powerful socialization factor in human behavior is modeling. Allah, you find a little kid who is from the south, I mean the deep south, and he's four or five years old. Mama, mama, can I have some more of that jam right now? So where does he learn that? Or if the same four or five year old grows up in England, or the same mother, Charlie good show, you want the jam?

Right? So they will talk like you, they will think like you, they're going to be like you. I remember this picture as my children were much smaller, and I actually was so struggling with parenting when I was in seminary I realized I didn't know anything, so I wrote my thesis where I went to seminary on the role and responsibility of transmitting values to the family. What's the father's role?

How does that work? And what I did is I studied every passage, Old and New Testament, and I divided it into all the different types of literature, and then I went back through and looked at all the sociological and the psychological literature. I think I made up some new words right there, but you know what I mean. And I took all those case studies, and I said this is what the Bible says, and this is what our best research says, and it was just an amazing marriage. And what I can tell you is drive in a way you want your kids to drive. Speak to one another the way you want them to speak to their mate. Spend your money and be generous the way you want them to spend their money. Be sexually pure the way you want them to be sexually pure. Watch the kind of television shows and the kind of movies that you want them to watch. Express your anger and difficulty in life exactly how you want them to express their anger and difficulty in life. Be as materialistic or as frugal as you want them to be, because here's the deal, they will be.

And if you want a great picture, imagine if you would sort of a nice big sofa, if you only have a couple kids, it could be a love seat. If you have a lot of kids, I met someone tonight that has seven, and so you have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, there's this long couch. And I want you to go through this thing where you bend over and look into the eyes of all your children, and we'll put them right here on this invisible couch and say, since I know this is true, here's what. I want you to tell the truth exactly like you see mommy or daddy tell the truth. I want you to drive the car just the way, like when the law says, you know, with the phone and all that, you just do it the way I do it. If I text, you text, okay? I want you to be as generous with your money and obey God's word exactly like I do.

When I get really upset and angry and you hear me scream or yell or be passive or withdraw, I want you to do it exactly like that. And here, parents, here's the deal, and this may be worth our entire time coming together. The biggest thing you'll ever do is not something you do with your kids.

It's who you are. And maybe God will speak first and foremost, because I don't know about you, but I've had times in my life, I don't want them to respond with their anger the way I was at that point in my life. I don't want them to spend the time the way I was spending my time as a workaholic working 80 and 90 hours a week.

I don't want them to do that. I don't want them to be as self-focused as I was. And one of the greatest things that happened, at least in my parenting journey, was just to look that in the mirror and say, I need to practice what I preach, because I will beget after my own kind. Fish have little fish. Birds have little birds.

You know, whatever kind of flower it is, you know, they have the same kind of flowers. And you will reproduce little yous. And I can't give you more sound parenting advice.

What did the Apostle Paul say? I'm your father. Imitate.

Mimic me. But here's what they'll do, too, as my kids have told me later. You know, when they were little and get up and go to the bathroom, and we had small kids, and it's tough to be a mom when you have small kids, and they catch my wife reading her Bible on her knees next to the couch praying at 5 o'clock or 5.15, they learn something. You know, when I was in the back bedroom, and you know, when you got a bunch of kids, and not very many bathrooms, everyone's doing this all the time, and they kind of catch me in the bedroom sitting on the ground reading my Bible, when they see you, come to them and apologize and say, you know, what you did was wrong, but how I responded was wrong, too. And with tears in your eyes, you ask one of your kids to forgive you. You know what they'll learn?

They'll learn you don't have to be perfect, but you got to own your stuff, and you go ask for forgiveness, and you restore relationships. Principle number one is the target. You've got to have clear-cut objectives, and the objective is I want my kids. God can determine, and I'm glad if they can be good, and my kids play different sports and music and all the rest, but my mission was I want them to be Christ-like. Second, I need to practice what I preach. Third, now that we have the target and we know who the most important teacher is, it happens in an environment. Godly parents build relationships that bond. They build relationships that bond. It's not enough.

This isn't mechanical, like, there's the target. I want you like Christ, and by the way, follow me as I follow Christ. You've got to create this environment, this environment of love, this environment where they feel cared for, and so they build relationships that bond, and what amazes me is how God gives us pictures. The apostle Paul now in 1 Thessalonians, he's going to be teaching this church, and he's really close to this church. He has a real love relationship with him, and what he's going to do is he's going to say, I treated you as a mother, and then he'll, Mom, this is awesome. If you ever wonder what does God want or think a mother should be, we're going to read it, and then he says, not only did I treat you as a mother, but as a father, I did this, and as a dad, I remember reading this for the first time. I did a word study on each of those thinking that's the kind of dad I want to be.

So how do you build relationships that bond? 1 Thessalonians 2, look at verse 7. But we were gentle among you like a mother, circle mother, caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

Now, what's a mother do? Underline the word, they're gentle, gentle, caring for. Verse 8, loved you to share with. You became dear to us. Do you hear the nurture?

Do you hear the concern? We were like a mother. We created that safe place where you mattered.

We didn't do the right things. We shared our very lives. We loved, we cared, we delighted in you. Now, notice he says, skipping down to verse 11 and 12, he says, for you know that we dealt with each of you as a father. You might circle father, deals with his own children. Well, how does a father deal with his children? Encouraging, comforting, and urging. You can underline those three words. Fathers encourage, comforting, and urging.

Notice the goal. Encouraging and urging you to live lives worthy of God. Does that sound like a clear-cut target? Does that sound like I want you to be holy? Does that sound like I want to bring you up to fulfill all God designed and made you to fulfill his agenda on the earth? He says we encouraged you, comforted you, and urged you to live lives worthy of God who calls you into his kingdom in glory.

The first word encouraging here has the idea of being their cheerleader. This is the dad, and your words are so powerful. There is so much research on the power of fathers.

There's so many things. In my thesis, I learned a couple things. Number one, the sexual identity of sons and daughters are most heavily influenced by the father. Second, the moral development of a child is most heavily influenced by the father, and the self-image is about 50-50, mom and dad. There is this powerful role when a son or a daughter hears, way to go, I'm for you, great job. There's something in all of us that want to please our father. Some of us as grown men had to figure that out in our 30s and realize we're never going to get there. Some of them came back from the war, and if you've got four As and a B, what went wrong? If you went two for four, how come you pulled your head and ground it out? If you get this degree, they say, oh, that's nice.

When's the next one? And out of their background, they were saying I love you, but it felt like the bar was always up, perform, perform, perform, perform. And what we realized is there's no way you can live up to that. Every man, every son, every daughter wants to hear, I'm proud of you. And that's why when you compliment your kids, you need to focus on their character, not just their performance and their accomplishment. It's one thing to say, you've worked really hard, and I noticed your hard work really paid off, and you got two out of four hits.

That's different than you went two for four, but. Or you know what, honey, you have really worked hard in French. I've noticed that you've spent extra time to recognize those words. That perseverance, notice what you're praising, that perseverance is really going to pay off in life. And so, I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, think of where you're sitting in your life right now. Did it really matter in your sophomore year whether you got an A or a B?

Does any, I mean, in any of your job interviews, did anyone go, oh, did you get a B-plus or a B? I really want to know. Well, what are people looking for? They're looking for character.

And so you're the cheerleader. The next word is comforting, but it's an interesting word. The same word is also translated admonish, challenge.

And, you know, the translators here have made it comforting. It's the idea of spurring your child on to right behavior. And so sometimes when they're a little hurting, it's the dad, you put your arm around them and say, hey, honey, you can do better than that.

I'm for you. I love you. And when they're goofing off, it's the dad who says, hey, get back up there right now, or we're going to have problems as soon as we get home.

Same word. It's what do they need to get back up, but it's stronger. The word urging is a father going, there's a line in the sand, you date that boy one more time, that boy's going to be in real trouble and you'll be in worse. And then, you know, that deep fatherly voice that looks into their eyes and goes, and I mean it, and they realize, and he does. You know, some little girls never get that. Some little girls never have a father who's courageous enough to say, that's a bad relationship. Or, hey, stop, young man, let me tell you something, you speak to your mother in that tone of voice again like that, you'll be grounded until Jesus comes.

And maybe you'll back off and only do it for a year or two. But you understand, that's the father who's stepping in, and guess what, you know what kids need? Kids need that strong, healthy, fear, loving affirmation with that nurturing, caring, and then that mother and that father working together to build relationships that really bond. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Before we hear the rest of Chip's message, let me remind you that we are a listener-supported ministry. Your financial gifts help us create programs like this one, develop new resources, and encourage pastors globally. Prayerfully consider supporting us today. Then go to livingontheedge.org to give a gift.

Thanks so much for your help. Well, here again is Chip. The principle of relationship, you'll notice the picture on your notes. On the left side, you have values and beliefs. Notice underneath of it, it says your values and beliefs of your lifestyle.

This is not, please, please, this isn't what you say. This is not what they hear at church or in a Bible study, okay? This is how you actually live.

Because you can say, be generous, but you're stingy. You can say, be morally pure, but when they go to bed, you watch stuff you'd never want them to watch. Okay, so this is your actual values that you have, what really matters, who you are. And then over here on the right is the child's values and beliefs, not what they say, but how they actually live, what they believe in their heart. Notice there's a bridge, and the bridge is the strength of relationship. The stronger the relationship with your child, the more likely they'll embrace your values and your beliefs.

Take it to the bank. The stronger your relationship with your child. I mean, there's a bond, there's a connection, there's a caring.

The higher the probability, no guarantee, but the higher the probability. The converse of this is the weaker the relationship with your child, the higher the probability they'll reject your values. And that's why we'll look in our next session, we'll talk about four types of parents. Highly authoritarian, low love, get with the program, this is what you gotta do. Tell you what, there's not a connection, there's not a bond.

Those kids rebel. We'll learn a little bit later that it needs to be actually high discipline and high love that produces the boundaries of security and the love of significance. Third little axiom under this, not only the stronger your relationship, the weaker the probability, the weaker the relationship, the less likely, but tensions and tests and difficulties are normal, so it's not a matter of if, it's just a matter of when. You're gonna have struggles with your kids.

And it doesn't mean anything's wrong. It means you're normal, it means they're gonna pull away. But here's the deal, what you wanna do is you wanna be building a bridge of bond and relationship and connection so that when their friends start pulling them away, when they go through that purity moment, and there's times where some of our kids are like this wonderful kid on Tuesday, and like Wednesday and Thursday and Friday, I guess they went through puberty or something and we're not really sure, and then they come out Friday and you think, what happened?

I mean, it's like a chamber, you know? And all of a sudden they're doing stuff and then you have this conflict in your hands. What you can't do is you can't let that, you gotta stay working on the relationship side of it. You may have consequences, real strong boundaries, but what you can do all along the way is you wanna build relationships that bond from the heart. Let me give you eight specific ways that researchers in the Bible tells us will build those kind of bonds, eight keys to building relationships that bond, and some of these are kind of like common sense, but this is so common sense, I watch people not do them.

Number one is unconditional love. Verbalize it. I mean, I have grown sons. I mean, I've got grown sons in their mid-30s and a daughter who's 23. And when we get off the phone yet, after all these years with my grown sons, I love you, son, and I'll hear from them, I love you, Dad. Tell them they love you. I don't think until my dad was in his late 50s I ever heard him verbalize, I love you. And then show unconditional love.

After you discipline them, you need to let them know, I love you, I'm for you, that behavior, I don't accept, but I always accept you. Number two, scheduled time. I mean, schedule in actual times with your kids that carry the same weight as your business meetings or your Bible study meetings.

Have them on there. Every Sunday morning for I can't know how many years, I had breakfast with my daughter. It was a scheduled time.

Have scheduled times with your kids. It communicates they matter. They're on your radar. Third is focused attention.

This means that there's not media on, this means the paper's not up, and this means that even though you're looking at them, your mind is not figuring out something at work or what you're gonna cook later or this problem with one of your friends. Cornell did a study and they put microphones on two-year-olds. And they waited for a month until the novelty wore off, and then they recorded how much interaction two-year-olds had of significant conversation with their father. I mean, more than, hi, Timmy, hi, Susie.

Average father, 37 seconds of meaningful conversation per day. I mean, you gotta give them focused attention where you ask questions and you're not thinking, hurry up and say this because I gotta get here. Put the stupid smartphone down. Turn it off. And set it down. And when you pick up your kid, you know what, if it buzzes, it buzzes.

I told you the greatest joys, the greatest sorrows, the greatest gifts, and the greatest responsibility you're gonna have on this planet, I'm telling you, is not coming through that phone. It's the person sitting next to you that you just picked up from school or driving back from the ball game or is in tears because they broke up with their first love. You gotta be there, focused attention. Number four, eye contact.

Powerful research. Look them in the eye. If you need to get on their level, but look them in the eye, it communicates love. Number five, meaningful touching. This is why your kids want to wrestle, especially dads. Meaningful touching.

Wrestle with them, hold them in non-sexual ways. And for fathers, when your daughters kind of begin to bloom and they become young women, as dads, it's kind of like, you know, I'm really attracted to my wife and gosh, my daughter's becoming a beautiful woman. And what happens to men is you just unconsciously start to back away. Your daughter is hunger in her heart for a non-sexual, loving, secure, strong, masculine embrace.

That's you. So you need to hug her like never before. You need to hold her close and let her know, men can be safe.

Men won't use you. And what happens is, men, we get uncomfortable as that, especially if it's your first daughter. Man, I will tell you, I remember my daughter was away in college and, you know, going through normal stuff and she was a little teary on the phone. She said, dad, I miss you. I said, well, I miss you too, Annie. She goes, no, I really miss you. Well, I really miss you too, Annie. She goes, no, dad, you understand. I want someone to hug me. I just want someone to hug me right now, dad, and you're not here. And I watch her and, I mean, she's a grown, beautiful woman like her mom, and she just comes and she needs to know, man, I love you.

You are secure. And that's moms to moms and us as men loving all the people in our family, meaningful touching, it's powerful, ongoing communication. And that's the dinner table, bedtime stories, shared experiences, but you have to build in time that's structured, where you're together and communicating and talking and sharing and meals are just, I don't know where you're at, but start with maybe two a week, then move to three a week.

You gotta have something that everyone comes together. There is a reason why, what's the last thing Jesus did with his disciples? Oh yeah, they ate. What did Jesus do when he wanted to reinstate Peter? Oh yeah, they ate. When we get to heaven, what are we gonna do? Eat.

You think there's something going on here? There's something happens when you break bread and then you push the plates to the middle. How'd it go? And yes, they're gonna roll their eyes. Let them roll their eyes.

Roll your eyes again. Now, tell me, how's it really going? What did you learn today? What have you been reading?

What have you been thinking? Create a culture where that happens. Have fun together is number seven. That may not sound spiritual, it's super spiritual. I've played more one-on-one games and been in the emergency room with my kids and laughed like crazy and sat in a pool of sweat and looked up at the sky and had some of the most meaningful prayer times with my boys of anything in the world.

I've sang crazy songs in the car with my daughter and danced at weddings until I embarrassed my entire family. Have fun. Life's fun.

I mean, it's hard, but have fun. Don't be serious all the time. And then finally, pray. Pray together. Pray in the car. Pray along the way. Pray before a meal. Pray when you hear a siren. Pray short prayers. Pray long prayers.

Join hands and pray about tough stuff, but pray. Finally, the last one is very brief but very important, is godly parenting requires, are you ready for this, constant repair and ongoing maintenance. You never get it right.

You never get it down. You know, I remember when they were little and we decided we were going to reward them. We put these little things in the refrigerator and everyone was behaving for like four or five weeks. And I thought, this is it. We're geniuses. This is it.

They do their chores. Star, chore, stars, homework. Oh!

Six weeks later, stars didn't mean anything. And then you ground them once. Oh, this is powerful. Then, you know, it's like, I'll be grounded forever.

I'm going to be in my room playing the guitar. That's not working. I mean, whatever you think is working, just wait six weeks or six months. It won't be working. And part of it is it's not them.

It's me. I would be real consistent. They would behave. So it's kind of like vitamins. You take them and you feel better.

Why take them? And so I get less consistent, right? I'm off my meds. So then I have to bring the whole family together and say, okay, dad has not been a very good dad and when you've sort of done this and this, I say I'm going to do this and I've done nothing.

I've asked God, I've told him I'm sorry and I want to ask you all to forgive me. And then you sort of say, and by the way, there's a new day. Here's the line in the sand. So if you do that like I've not been consistent with, I just want you to know tomorrow or later tonight, that won't work.

I'm on daddy's back. And, you know, and it was just like you have to, you understand what I'm saying? You got to re-up. Don't companies have to reinvent themselves? Just as parents.

And sometimes I see parents all get so discouraged, I try to do this, it doesn't work anymore. Well, welcome to the NFL. You gain five yards, you got tackled.

Get up, go to the huddle, gain five more, you get tackled. I mean, that's life. It takes constant repair and ongoing maintenance. And the passage here, 1 John 1-9, if we confess our sins, He's faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. And I call this the principle of process. Just it's a journey, it's a process. You're not perfect, they're not perfect, it's messy, it's okay. Your heavenly Father cares more about your kids than you do.

He's working in all of this. And so here's five magic words, not as in occult magic, just sort of like five sort of magic words that I've had to use more than I ever want to admit. The first two are I'm sorry.

The last three are please forgive me. Some kids never hear that from their mom or dad. I mean, what they did may have been wrong, but how I've responded to it so many times, and sometimes, are you ready? We do things wrong. Your kids see through all that. Don't fake it. Being a great parent, you know, imitate, you know what? You want them to imitate you when you blow it. Guess what?

They see the failures, they see the hypocrisy. Just step up and say, guess what? I blew it. I've said this. This is how I've been living. I've asked God to forgive me.

And then you just look them in the eye. I'm sorry. And don't let it go with okay.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?

And what you want to hear is yes, I forgive you. And then you pray with them the way you pray with them when you discipline them. And you know what they learn? They learn they don't have to be perfect. They learn that failure's never final, that God is a God of grace. The target, clear cloud of objectives.

The teacher is you. You practice what you preach. You do it in an environment of relationships that bond. And the final thing is constant repair.

You never are done. It's a journey. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, Is There a Parent in the House, is from our series, House or Home, Parenting Edition. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Join Chip in this ten-part series as he provides practical and biblical wisdom for moms and dads at every stage of parenthood. He'll dive into Ephesians chapter 6 and share his personal experiences as a father to help you guide your children to become God-honoring adults.

Whether you are a new parent or grandparent, this series has valuable insights for you. If you've missed any messages, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org to catch up. Well, before we go any further, Chip's in studio with me here to share a quick word.

Chip? Thanks so much, Dave. I'll be back with some application to today's teaching, but if you're listening to this program and you or someone you know is being blessed, I mean, God is using it in your life, I'd like to ask you to really pray about partnering with Living on the Edge. Your financial investment allows us to equip Christians here in the United States, all across the world, to really live like Christians. Because of your donations, we create materials, we get God's word to leaders, and we take the Bible to the people in ways that help them grow and transform their families and communities.

So here's my request. Help us reach the hurting people in the U.S. and around the world. Help us to be a catalyst for change so that Christians everywhere can live more like Christians. It makes a huge difference, and thanks in advance for whatever God leads you to do. Well, as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry, I want to remind you that every gift is significant, no matter the amount. When you partner with Living on the Edge, you support and multiply the ministry work we're doing all over the globe. Set up your monthly gift today by going to LivingOnTheEdge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners, tap Donate.

We'll hear again as Chip with his application for what we heard today. As we closed today's program, I realized that I went pretty fast when I talked about those eight specific things that build relationships that bond. And so I want to go over those.

I want to just list them. If you have a pencil or a pen, you might jot them down. And if you miss those, you can go to the web, listen to this again, and the message notes are there. But just listen carefully, and rather than worrying about did I get all eight, as I go through these very briefly, ask the Holy Spirit to tell you which one of these things do you need to do today and then tomorrow and the next day. Just pick one, maybe two, and just begin to act on some of these very specific things and watch the bond build in your heart with the heart of your child. Number one, communicate unconditional love, both by your actions and by your words. Number two, scheduled time.

Maybe it's a daddy-daughter date or mother-son date or, you know, mother-daughter date, or maybe it's we're going to eat together. Number three, focused attention. Media is off. You're looking right at them. You're really listening. Number four is eye contact. Get down on their level.

Look them in the eye. Number five, meaningful touching. Maybe it's wrestling on the floor, giving them a big hug. Number six, structured time, whether it's bedtime stories, whether it's the meal together, because we did in our family, Teresa reminded me, every morning before my kids walked out the door to school, we prayed together. Number seven, and this isn't non-spiritual, have fun together.

You know, some of you are just too serious. Have some real fun with your kids this week. And then number eight, pray together.

I think that will give you eight specific ways to build a bond with your child, and as you do, I think you're going to see some exciting things happen. Thanks, Chip. Since you missed some of the points he just reviewed, they're pulled straight from his message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us again. Chip's notes include his outline, the scripture he references, and fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. They'll really help you get the most out of every program. Chip's message notes are a quick download at livingontheedge.org under the Broadcasts tab, listeners tap fill-in notes. Well, for Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave Drury thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.