Absurd Truth: Dana's Rodent Problem

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. All right, so first up, it's from The Villages.

A villager has been charged with repeatedly chugging booze inside of a public's grocery store. Now, Emily Rachel McPherson, 35. No, wait a minute. How is she 35 living in The Villages? Hold up.

Put the brakes on. Steve, I thought you had to be 50 to live in The Villages, right? Yeah, do the fact check. Steve's also our resident fact checker real quick here.

I thought you had to be 50. Anyway, this 35 year old woman, Emily McPherson, she was paying several visits to the public's and chugging liquor without paying for it. She was caught on surveillance, getting the store drinking liquor and then returning the empty bottle to the store shelf, according to Sumter County Sheriff's Office. Like she legit.

Like Juan says she's probably living with her folks. She was like going like repeatedly. Now what would she drink? That's what you're asking.

Okay, let me share with you. She was captured on surveillance. Then she got a small bottle of wine, chugged it, placed it back on the shelf. So she didn't pay for it.

She returned the next day. Then she grabbed another mini Bota Pinot Grigio. And then she also grabbed another two four packs of the Ranchola Gloria.

And then she walked to an aisle without cameras. And they she chugged all of those. And by the way, all of that together.

Just $22. Like Juan's dying. Like why? Like she's on $3,000 bond because like the the amount that she drank is not even $100 total. But she was going in there chugging this stuff. Like girl likes to have somebody make a margarita for you. Good. Don't do that pre made stuff. No, no, no.

Oh my gosh. Do you want the villages policy from their FAQ page? Yes, please. While the villages is a 55 plus active adult community, we absolutely do welcome children and grandchildren. In fact, the villages host year round intergenerational activities as part of camp villages. What about that?

What do it include? So she's somebody's family. That's Yeah, can't maybe it was a camp villages thing. She just like go go going in. Now, David, who is in Orlando, and listens to the show. He goes, Yes, the villages are 55 plus he goes, but there are exceptions if her spouse is 55 plus.

Whoo, now it's interesting. So she could be with her parents. Family, or she got herself a sugar daddy. You know, I'm just saying like, but I don't know.

He doesn't sound like a sugar daddy. If she's like going in and drinking like cheap liquor at the Publix. I just got to say, okay. Can we talk about the three legged bear?

Let's. So a three legged bear. I feel sorry for it in Florida. rated a refrigerator and drink all the white claw. I feel like this is something Steve would have sent me a Florida three legged bear invades a screened in patio of a home rated the refrigerator and drink all their white claw, the hard seltzer, a teenager's reaction to seeing the bear outside of the home quote, Oh, my gosh, look at him.

It's Lake Mary, Florida. It's a three legged black bear known as tripod. And it found its way I felt bad for it. Now I don't it found its found its way into the patio of a home. It rated the refrigerator. Did it open the refrigerator? How does it did it can it open it? I've seen one of its arms, not arms, front paws, right?

Yeah. The 13 year old son and family dog were inside the home and the bear stopped by for a visit. Fox 35 in Orlando has video of the encounter it limped around on its three legs in the driveway. And then made it into the screened in lanai near the family swimming pool. And it's on video limping around going through the refrigerator and then drink. How does it get the white claw? He could they go there's no food in there.

This is crazy. The bear opened the mini refrigerator door and then the dad goes if it knows how to open the fridge it can open my house door and then it helped itself to the white cloth and then walked off a drunk three legged bear in Florida. Watch out for that one. The headrest safe with its sleek universal design that fits in most vehicles give the one gift that stands out above all the others. The one of a kind headrest safe blends seamlessly into the car's passenger headrest. Only the owner knows it's there.

Yeah, pretty cool. To access the headrest safe quickly, a biometric reader that uses a fingerprint, a four to eight digit passcode and a key. Oh, yeah, the headrest safe is amazing. So why not just get one for yourself and that person who has everything. The only discount code that will save you $50 and give you free shipping is Dana at checkout.

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Go to the headrest safe.com. So we caught a possum in our attic. This is news and important to me.

I need a break from everything. Okay. So we caught a I have Oh, gosh, this is we're not cutting any of this just to let you know. Okay, because this will be used against me for forever. I have a weird history with possums.

I have a weird history with a lot of wildlife. Alright, so first off, we caught I like the possums now, because I understand them. I feel like we get this is literally this possum that Juan is going to show in the cage literally just came out of our attic.

This this is a 30 minutes old photo. That's a big little dude. Look at his little hands, his wee little hands. There's like he's so funny.

I don't even know him. And I'm like, we're BFFs. I feel like Snow White, right? Like you think an animal is cute. And all of a sudden you think you can talk to birds and stuff.

I don't know. But I week so we caught this thing in our attic. And I mean, I don't know anything about possums other than they eat ticks, and stuff I hate. And they kind of get a bad rap, right? Unless they got the rabies.

They're generally, you know, pretty easygoing little dudes. You know what I mean? Now, I didn't always think this way. I'm going to come back to how can I tame this thing and make it my friend. So let me just tell you the story. You're going to judge me and that's okay.

You know, it's fine. So in our old house, when we first moved here, we came across, we had like two days to get a house. I didn't want to I didn't want to rent because property prices go up so fast.

And I was like, I'll be able to get some equity. So we got this house that literally backed up to this cutting ranch, like tons of acreage. And I used to look out the back window pretend all the horses were mine. And there there were a lot of coyotes, right? We would hear the yipping yips of the coyotes at night. I actually thought it was calming. And then you know, the coyotes started eating stuff.

Right? First it was this. What's the bird? It's not a pheasant.

What is it? No, it's the thing that when it makes its bird noise. It sounds like a woman being attacked. Guinea Oh, my gosh, like those things are like guineas and peacocks are built our nature's alarms. So we'd have this Guinea that would run around the neighborhood. And it would go like that's the sound it makes.

Like it just does that. And I tried to lure it I wanted to keep it like in my fenced area, but as like an alarm, and I tried to I didn't have like any cornmeal or whatever the hell those things eat. So I just had Doritos.

And I was taking my Doritos and I was trying to lure it didn't work. And my neighbor said I was nuts. So anyway, our neighbor who also backed up to the the cutting ranch, they had this little fluff dog. I don't know what it was. It was a I can't pronounce it B. Sean freeze.

Don't correct me. The chat will be like Dana, it's Bichon whatever the the bitchin freeze, whatever that poodle is that thing. The white fluffy thing. They had one of those right. And they were getting ready to take this dog with them and they were going to go to the lake.

Something like that. It was in the morning. Next thing we know all hell's breaking loose. Because they let the dog outside in their fenced yard. The wife went back in just to get her coffee. And in the time that she went back in to get her coffee, coyotes dug under their fence, grabbed her little fluff dog and took it up and ate it all ate it all up. Like Oh my gosh, so it's crazy right there. Everybody was nuts. We'd see coyotes walk.

I mean, he's nuts. So I had this in my mind, one evening. And it's all on our security camera video, which will never see the light of day.

It's never gonna happen. Because the video shows you know, I'm I'm writing something and we just finished dinner. I got my laptop in my lap and my son went out outside with our dogs. We had two French Bulldogs at the time, Rocco and Louie. He went outside with them.

Because we were just a little nervous because you know, coyote had just eaten a dog and we're like, maybe go out and scare the coyotes off. The next thing I know I hear and I heard Louie going crazy. Louie always alerts to everything.

But it was unusual to also hear Rocco bark Rocco sound like a Rottweiler when he barks. He's very deceiving. And I do point it over the couch. And Chris followed me.

You've seen the video, right? Cane's dying because he's seen it. Do point over the couch.

And we go outside and my oldest son is like holding off Louie and Rocco's being real chill. And the backyard was pitch black. We didn't have any lights on in the back. There was the full moon out. Almost a full moon. And I saw the moonlight hit like a sliver of fur.

And it looked gray and matted. And now just please understand what I just dealt with that day. Coyotes just ate our neighbor's dog, right? So my first thought is coyote. And my I'm going to protect my dogs, right? I'm going to protect my dogs, my camera protect my family.

So everything was cool. And we're like, Louie, just don't go sideways. Louie went sideways as I thought it like he immediately was like, I'm going to, you know, to death and just charged. So I'm like, well, hell, here we go into the breach.

And I went with him because that's what I do. I don't know. I'm like, I'll ask questions later. And I just ran right, you know, I launched myself into a dark corner of the yard, where the light would not touch, except for the sliver of moonlight that illuminated just the brief, brief sight of gray matted fur, which I had convinced in my mind. It was a coyote, maybe a werewolf, who the hell knows.

It was like this time last year, it was right around Halloween, Kane, I kid you not. So I launched myself into this dark corner of the yard. And my I can hear Louie fighting with something. So I'm like, I'm just going to feel for stuff that doesn't feel like Louie, and I'm going to start wailing me and that's what I'm going to do. Like, I it was, you know, it was like, I invoked my Ozark brawl power, you know, I immediately like kicked it into gear. And then I was like, I could hear Chris yelling at me to stop. And I was just slinging stuff around punching stuff, and rolling around. And the guy had Lou, I had Louie in my arm, Louie's going crazy. I'm punching something with my hand.

And I don't know what it looked like positive. Our neighbors thought, what the hell are these people doing now? And then the next thing I knew, I heard somebody go, it's a possum. And then my husband who has not jumped into the fray, and is standing there looking at me very just like, again, giving me the look of a dad who just realized his son couldn't catch a football, staring at me and he's like, it's what dogs do Dana, he's yelling at me. I realized I literally was fighting with a possum.

I think I was doing it more than Louie was at that point. And at some point, it decided to pretend that it was dead. And I just kept going because it was pitch dark.

And this all happened like in the span of 60 seconds. And then I felt real bad because I was like, Oh, I punched it to death. Wait a minute.

No, it's just plain dead. And then Louie got it ran. And that was a whole other thing. So long story short, I was dirty.

Do you know that? They smell like armpits. They are so stinky. It's like a, it's like a bubble. Bomb that washed himself with a dirty armpit.

I don't know how to describe it. It's so nasty. And I could not get the smell off my hands and my arms.

I had I was like lemons, the steel soap bar for onions, like whatever. It was so bad. So anyway, that then Chris made me feel real bad about it. He's like, well, it says here on the internet, that these things eat ticks, and they don't get rabies, and they actually kill all the stuff you hate.

And you fight with it. I was like, in my defense, I thought that it was a coyote or werewolf. It was dark. It's around Halloween. I don't know. So I know, like I my family ate these damn things.

I don't know. Like, I'm just I'm like, I couldn't see it was dark. So anyway, now fast forward, I find them that I find that we're we're rather allies, right? The possums and I Now someone's like, you're not gonna think that if you have chickens, well, I don't have chickens. So but I feel you know, like, we could be friends if they weren't so weird and didn't fall over and hiss all the time. Although I do that too. But I like their little hands, paws, whatever the hell they are those little things.

And you know, they're they're generally useful. Weird as all get out. Like it's it's like what an alien thought an animal on Earth might look like and pieced it together. Right and glued some fur on it. That's what they look like. They're weird looking. But um, so anyway, there's one in our attic.

We got it in this cage. And I'm just looking at the little dude. He's got little snowman eyes.

He's awfully adorable. I feel you know, I you know, I think you're a bad rep. I mean, I'm just saying like, if someone are you misgendering this? Hell, I don't know.

They all look like he's unless they come with like the Warner Brothers eyelashes and a bow. I'm just gonna assume right. Or babies hanging up. Yeah, unless there's some babies on teats.

I don't see any I know they got a little pouch. They are technically marsupials. I believe.

So anyway, I don't know. I just feel like you know, if someone wanted to tame one, as like a pet, definitely not talking about myself. If they wanted to tame it for a pet.

I mean, maybe, you know, is there someone said you got to do it from the time that they're babies. We're not killing the thing. Of course, I mean, we're gonna release it somewhere by a lake and I'm like, great by a lake where there's gators. Great. He's gonna get eaten by a damn gator. So I don't know.

But I'm just saying I'm like totally not asking for myself. Twitter's going nuts because I asked the question. And yeah, they said that they're big rats of bigger tales kill him. I'm not killing it because they eat ticks and stuff I hate.

They're there. Somebody said they're the cleanup crew there. Aren't they like nature's janitors?

They're like little nature janitors. I'm not gonna kill nature's janitor. Let him know.

Let him go. I just don't want him up on my attic. Like stay out of my stuff, right? You know, like don't be getting up on my attic. I don't need you messing around my Christmas decorations. Okay, I mean, we're getting ready to put those out for Jesus's birthday.

I don't need you being around them. So I'm just you know, I don't know where it I would like to keep him. You know, you could put a little harness on him. You know, he'd be like a little pet.

You know, I can't get him near Rocco because Rocco even though he's got his issues anyway, long story short. Apparently, everybody's torn. They're like, don't do it. And then yes, do it. And then others are like, you can't unless they're like babies.

They're wild at this point, which I agree. It's probably true. But I'm just, you know, so anyway, that's what's going on my life with the big, the possums and all that came. So I don't know. I mean, I just feel like, you know, I, he's, I guess, you know, I don't have any ticks or anything on my, on my property.

So I guess that's, you know, he's been helping out, right? So what you could do, I mean, can you I know that you'd be dedicated to training him if you thought you could. But I don't want you to think you can. Why?

Because you can't. Someone said that chicken also chickens also eat ticks and turns them into chicken. Really? Yeah.

Nice. I just don't know if I like to eat tick made chicken. See what I'm saying? Yeah, somebody said they had a whole family of possums that they feed every day.

And they're sweet and gentle. Oh, let's see. Anyway, I just, you know, so I'm just throwing it out there. I just think that, yeah, I know they probably carry some nasty stuff. But anyway, so I'm just thinking about it.

Chris has already said no. So I'd have to literally sneak it into the house to make this happen. Pretty sure I can't hide a possum. I mean, if you have some suggestions on how I may do that, I mean, I'm all ears. But, you know, when if you're cold, they're cold, right? How well would that go? Can you hear?

Anyway, so yeah, you know, if you got any advice, I'm open to hearing it. I mean, I do want one as a pet. I think it'd be neat. Somebody said they eat cat food. No, you're going to eat some cat food. That's a mistake.

Like the rest of us. We don't do cat stuff up in this house. Okay, we don't do cat. I'm allergic to cats. We don't do cat food.

Oh, that's the other thing. I wonder if I'd be allergic to possums. Oh, if I'm allergic to cats. Possums never get rabid, from what I understand. Like, they don't get rabies.

I heard they, oh, they don't because the internet's never wrong, as you know. Like, like if you're if you got a sniffle, and you Google it, you know, you got AIDS. Cancer. Here, here, you're gonna die.

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Order the most incredible gift ever while providing safety and security. Go to TheHeadrestSafe.com. And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's Quick 5. I...

I am not... I do not believe this headline. Is this like... is this like the South Park Tom Brady Dune episode? I don't even know how to say... A man gave himself... I don't even know what this means.

Fecal transplants using his mother's, yes, to treat his Crohn's, and then he started experiencing her menopause symptoms. I do not believe... Kane, this story is garbage. You sent me this. I did. This was you. So, please explain yourself. What do you mean? What in the world? This is South Park.

This is a South Park episode. Same questions you do. How? First off, why?

Why and how and I don't know how. I'm not sure we can even get into the speculation of how. Don't be doing this stuff.

Do not do this stuff. They said that she donated her waste to him. Yeah, so he could do the waste transplant for four years.

He did this for four years. Then he said he got her menopause symptoms. I don't even know what that means. Oh my gosh.

I just think that this is why aliens don't visit us and why asteroids should hit us hard and fast. Let's see here. Oh no.

No, no, no. There's the Crocs cowboy boot. Things that we didn't need. I wanted flying cars, maybe a cure for diseases, and instead we got the Crocs cowboy boot. They said that they're kind of plasticky. It's quasi-Western style, but it's the Croc cowboy boot that has come out. And how much are they? $120. It's like a boot caricature.

It's a Croc, but then with the boot part on it and none of it's like the it's not the leather. Oh my gosh. Formula One's Las Vegas Grand Prix is already being sued. They've had mishap, all kinds of problems. A bunch of different firms are bringing a class action suit against the organizers. They said fans just saw eight minutes of a practice session canceled due to issues.

Stick with us. I did have like, you know, can we talk about the Snow White stuff real quick? So that one chick, the Rachel Ziegler chick, they, I don't know if y'all seen this. So she, first off, let's go back to when Peter Dinklage was complaining about Snow White. And he was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they're doing this where they have dwarves. And it's, you know, and then he got blamed for costing all these like little people, because officially it's little people, but the role was a dwarf. These jobs that they, because there were a lot of actors that were blasting him forth.

They're like, you're not King little person. Anyway, so then they had the Rachel Ziegler chick who was just bad. She was supposed to be Snow White and Gal Gadot was supposed to be the evil ugly queen.

Are you serious? Anyway, so Ziegler was like complaining about Snow White and saying that it was an old stupid film and all this other stuff and that the prince was a stalker. And they showed the cast of the seven magical creatures who were supposed to be the politically correct placement for dwarves. And they look like, well, they look like stoners who work in the stock room at GameStop.

I don't know how else to put it. That's like legit what they look like. And so they replace them with these horribly done CGI dwarves. And I don't know if you guys have seen the still that they released. Apparently, it's a new publicity picture that Disney revealed. Apparently they're redoing the foot, like reshooting a whole bunch of things.

Because it sounds like they saw that this is going to be a multimillion dollar turkey and that it was way woke. And so they set they, I guess, replaced the lame seven magical creatures who look like they shop exclusively at free people and smoke pot while stocking stuff in the back rooms of GameStop. So they revealed this publicity picture that features these horribly done CGI dwarves. And by horribly done, I mean, it looks ridiculous. Kane, weigh in on this because those dwarves look mad stupid.

Yeah. Seven CGI dwarves. So who is the guy that was blaming that was being blamed for all the actors in Hollywood? Peter Dinklage. Peter Dinklage. He's one showing everyone that's officially from Disney. That's their publicity picture that they released.

He's showing you on the simulcast. That looks horrible. Why don't they just replace her at this point too? She's annoying as hell.

I'd rather have like seven little people in a fake Snow White at this point. She is annoying. So I don't understand why they just didn't have this idea from the beginning. Why? Because this turns everything to feces. That's why.

Yeah. Because they it's annoying. Why don't they just put little people in? They would be way better than these stupid CGI dwarves. You know, it's going to suck. You know, this is gonna be horrible. It already looks dumb. If I didn't know anything about this film, first off, I would be like, this looks dumb. And then if I heard her talk, I'd be like, wow, I really hate this now. I don't want to go and hear the worst theater brat caricature ever sit here who complained about Snow White all leading up to it and every promo that she did now.

No, I don't want to do this. So I don't know. I mean, I just don't know how you can get Snow White wrong. How do you get it wrong? That's the how?

Intentionally. Like she said she had seemed some point she was like, you know what I mean? We we're not gonna she's not looking for love. She's not.

Well, then that's not the story. Go and make your own stupid woke princess story. This is so annoying. I hate when chicks try to sit here and askew like feminist traditions because they think it makes them look harder.

It just makes you look desperate and try hard. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.