Absurd Truth: Whole Foods For The Unfortunate

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. So Florida Man saved his neighbor from the jaws of an 11-foot gator by hitting it with his car.

Call your county. A Florida Man narrowly escaped a potentially deadly encounter with an 11-foot gator on Friday. A Florida Man was walking his two Labradors near a pond and he was attacked by this gator. He said he tried to fight it off by kicking it and poking it in the eyes and nose. But Walt Rudder happened to be driving by. And he saw the man trapped on the ground with his legs inside a gator's mouth.

Just sidebar for a minute. Can you imagine you're just driving home and you see a gator eat a dude in the road? Can you just imagine that?

Like, what in the world? So and that's what he said. Rudder said, quote, I was driving. And saw a man laying on the ground, pulled over, got out of the car, and saw the gator heading by the leg. So Rudder did what any smart dude would do. He ran right over the gator. Now, Fingert survived the attack, but he's like, I don't know what I would have done had Walt not ran this gator over.

That's pretty amazing. And also, did it kill the gator? Like, I can imagine it let him go. It let the dude go so clearly.

It felt the pressure. Man. So Pickles and Vicodin.

Yeah, that's the next stuff. Florida man's pickle jar dispute led to a Vicodin bust, according to deputies, of course. So this Florida man was arrested after a physical attack led to the discovery of a drug possession according to Sumter County police. David Simony, 34, was arrested and charged with resisting an officer, battery, drug possession.

After the incident that unfolded on Thursday, he pushed a dude up a wall after a verbal argument and told he wasn't welcome at his apartment. And then up I love how they just introduced the pickle jar halfway through. Simony said he went to collect his pickle jar, but the guy told him to leave the house. So then he was ultimately placed under arrest.

He refused to identify. So did he go for the pickle jar? What the hell is in the pickle jar? Who wrote this story? It's an AOL.com story written by like a barely literate person.

Anyway, $4,000 bond. I just want to know what was the pickle jar? Was it Pickles? Was there dope in it? Was there Vicodin in the Pickles? No, it just said they ended up finding Vicodin. Like, but it wasn't it.

He's like it. They didn't say it was in the pickle jar at all. There was a small container of Vicodin in the guy's pocket. Apparently. Good night. I mean, that's that's kind of wild. And a Florida man ran from deputies inside Walmart after he decided to expose himself. We'll save that.

We'll save that winner for you tomorrow. Our partners who helped bring you free radio, the folks over at Caltech, you've heard me talk for months now about the Caltech Sub 2k. Nothing's changed. It's still brand. It's they came out with it earlier this year.

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K-E-L-T-E-C weapons.com. Tell them Dana sent you. First off, let me set the stage. The third greatest movie of all time besides The Godfather on Lord of the Rings is PCU with Jeremy Piven. And I tweeted out a link where you can actually go and watch it online because for some reason they're not selling it or allowing you to rent it or buy it anymore because it's too honest. Jeremy Piven's in it and PCU is a prophecy. Much like Idiocracy, but better written and better acted. And it's amazing. It's one of the best movies that's ever been burned to celluloid. And it's an older movie.

It's back before cell phones and TikTok and BS and influencers trying to sell you, you know, mass produced Chinese made stuff. And it starts Jeremy Piven, who's one of those dudes who goes to college and he just sort of stays there for like a decade for some reason. And he's a part of this frat and they have this, their dorm is called The Pit. And they're the slackers and the stoners and the metalheads and all that stuff. And it gets in all the, the whole student body is broken up into groups. Like you've got the lesbians, you've got the feminists, you have the black student group, you've got the hippie group that only play hacky sack and wear like crocheted hats. And you've got like, you know, all these people, you've got the debutante, you've got the preppy nerds, right? Those dudes who wear their ties too tight.

And you know, their loafers are just a little too not broken in. And it's just yet every group and they all hate each other. And it makes fun of all of the division and political correctness. And at one point, like they're getting ready to throw like this major party so that they can keep their house and they just happen to get and he follows me on Twitter and I will never understand this.

But you know, I'm very stoked about it. They happen to get by chance, George Clinton and P-Funk to come and play their big party at The Pit, right? Because they're saving their whole frat house from, they got to pay this fine to the university. So they're selling stuff like you got to pay $5 to go to the bathroom, all this stuff there, they're raising money however they can. And one of the other things that they're doing is that they sell into term papers, right?

So Jeremy Piven is in like one of these little side rooms of The Pit. And he's like, all right, what's your major? Okay, here's a paper for you.

Here's a paper for you. And you've got this dude who comes up. And Piven goes, Well, what's your major? And he goes, Sanskrit. And Piven stops for a minute. And he looks at me like you're majoring in a 2000 year old dead language. And he goes, Latin, best I can do. And he hands it to him. And then that was it.

And it got me to thinking, that guy's a moron and he should be publicly flawed. You know how at some, maybe this has just happened with me and the Ozarks, there's one of the fun things that we used to do whenever there was any kind of like, like town party, town festival, town, whatever, is you'd pay like $2 or however many and you'd raise money for the fire department, you take a sledgehammer and you get to whack a car. Like it was an old junker and you got to beat the tar out of this car, right? Maybe you could do the same thing with that dude, not a sledgehammer, but you could slap him for $2 because he decided to spend his money to major in Sanskrit. Now that was his money. If you're going to waste your money, that's fine. When you waste my money, I feel like I shouldn't even have to pay to slap you. I should just get that slap for free.

You know what I'm saying? So this brings me to my point of this guy named Joel Lambdon. This guy's like older than I am and we're all paying his student loans. I am paying the student loan of a guy who's older than me. So this guy, he's 49 years old and he got a quarter of a million dollars in student loan forgiveness, forgiveness in January.

Now see, he had taken out a loan and he let it accrue interest because he didn't pay it off and so he just let it get more and more expensive. He finished grad school. He went and studied music. I think if you're 49 years old and you're still trying to make it in music, you are a pathetic meat sack and you need to man up and like get serious about living your life because it's not going to happen for you.

You know, like the dad who tries to live out his football dreams with his subpar playing JV string, you know, second string kid on the high school football team, you know, you got to like realize it's not going to happen for you. So he allowed all the interest accrue and all this and so it ended up being a quarter of a million dollars. And he finished, guys, it gets worse, he finished grad school in 1998 but he was hardly making enough money to pay off his student loans and other bills. It's amazing that Joel, 49 years old, wasn't making enough money as a musician to pay off his bills. I am so totes shocked.

49 years old. And he said he was trying to keep his student loans in forbearance so he wasn't making payments but all the interest was still just accumulating. And he goes, it was just so that I could subsist so that I could survive. Now, the men I know would have been like, wow, I'm not going to make it as a musician. So I'm going to go get an actual job and make money and pay off my debt because that's what a responsible citizen that shows good stewardship of his fellow man would do. Right? Why is it, sidebar, that you're not considered a good citizen unless you're paying off someone's bills?

Why is it that the good citizen expectation doesn't extend to the people who are putting other people in debt because of their stupid choices? So Joel realized that, you know, he didn't, he loved working in music. So he decided to keep his, he didn't want to get a different job.

So he did because he, I guess, works part time as like, I don't know, violinist or I don't know. And he said he wanted to keep his student loan in forbearance. And so he decided that they were, they were, when the pause ended, he was going to have to tackle his debt. And then he got his all his loan forgiven.

His whole loan was, was all wiped out. Isn't that crazy? So great for him. So guess what?

Now the relief, and this is, Lambdon said the relief allows him the freedom to not only still play his music, but also pursue some of his long term dreams, including taking a sabbatical to study with his meditation teacher in India. So the guy who didn't go to college, who decided to, you know, actually acquire a skill, like a plumber or a welder or whatever, and gets a job out of high school or out of trade school or out of tech school, works good money. He's paying the academic welfare of this 49 year old trash baby who refuses to stop pretending to be a musician and had his $250,000 student loan wiped out so he could go meditate in India.

Hmm. And we're paying for it. The plumber's paying for it. The welder's paying for it. The guy who works in landscaping's paying for it. The construction worker is paying for it. I'm paying for it. This guy's older than me and I'm paying his debt.

Explain that. This is so asinine. I mean, it's funny because it's so pathetic, but it's enraging too.

And what gets me is that this guy has zero self awareness to even feel shame. I think if you can't pay your debt, you don't get your degree. If you got a problem with it, take it up with your university's endowment.

They got multi millions in some instances, like the Ivy Leagues, they got billions of dollars. Take it up with them. Because it's not our responsibility to pay for your welfare.

And that's what it is. It's academic welfare. And these people look down on people who, you know, maybe go and get food stamps and need help every now and then these people and you know, they do. They look down on those folks.

But people like Joel, they're by his standards worse. Because he has no shame in his welfare. He thinks his welfare is more virtuous, because it has to go with his stupid music degree. Why was he in school for nine years? Number one, you're in nine years to study music. Maybe you're too stupid for college.

He's 49 years old, graduated in 89 and he couldn't pay off his debt. You are a lazy slacker beta male. You're not a man. You make my ovaries shrivel up and scream. I can't believe any woman would sleep with you much less procreate with you. You are literally everything that is wrong with the progressive male sex. And on behalf of females everywhere, Dear God, do not reproduce.

You okay, Cain? It doesn't make you mad. Yeah, it does. There are all kinds of I mean, $250,000. That's a quarter million. That's a mortgage.

And then some for some people. Can I get a mortgage forgiven? No, you can't. Well, because you're you don't vote the right way. That's, that's really what it is. It's BS. Biden's buying. Now he's doing this.

Think about it. He's doing this. We're like six weeks out from the election.

Not six weeks, I'm sorry. We're not, you know, a few months away from the election. But he's doing this to pay off. He's doing this to buy votes. Who do you think Joel's gonna vote for? Who is 49 year old Joel Lambden, who had a quarter of a million dollars in debt?

Because he wanted to be a musician and get meditate in India. Who do you think he's gonna vote for? He's gonna vote for Biden. I mean, I, I'm trying not to be mean, but I want to bully this guy. I feel like we should all get to kick his ass at least once. Right?

What do I get for the return of my investment? You know what I'm saying? This sucker should be showing up on my house, waking me up every morning playing the violin. Right? I mean, this, golly. I can't believe that people are proud of this kind of stuff.

It's disgusting. And they're like, the money comes out of the air. It just manifested out of the ether.

It's so great. I mean, I don't have to pay any of my bills anymore. Can you believe it? It was forgiven. Well, where did the money come from? I don't know. I'm stupid. And I should get a refund on my college education because they didn't teach me basic economics. It's true, right? Golly, I can't, I can't even deal, man.

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It's time for Dana's Quick Five. Ninety-five express stores are set to close amid bankruptcy. I worked there in summer.

It was a summer job during college. There are 95 different express stores in more than 30 states because they filed for bankruptcy. They're based in Ohio, Express Eing, founded in 1980. Now they're having to compete with Zara, H&M.

They filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. I got to say, express clothes have never been bad, if I'm being honest. Like, I think that they're better quality than H&M. I'm not an H&M fan. And I think that if you're going to do, like, there's certain things you don't have to, I don't believe in disposable fashion, but I do think that there are certain things that are way overpriced. Express has always been decent quality. So I'm just saying.

So there are 95, I guess you can still buy online, but 95 stores are going to be closing. It's wild. So let's see. Apparently, this is Russian cyber attacks. Hacked a Texas Panhandle drinking water and apparently flooded the town on a first ever raid by a Kremlin-aligned group. They say Kremlin, they're still investigating a hacking group that's allied with the Russian government, took credit for it. And they said it was in Myulshu, a community of 5,000 that far from New Mexico border. And they had thousands of gallons that overflowed for almost an hour.

So they had a state of emergency declared for the town. But they said that the group was a part of some allied Russian government group. And I don't know, I mean, it could be a sign up. It could be the claiming that they are. I don't know.

You can't trust anything because everything is dumb. And as I told Canon Break, we're already on the downside of peak humanity. Let's see the apparently everybody's getting butt surgery. Yeah, they're getting their butts surgically enhanced. It's a big thing.

There's a whole article about it. The Brazilian butt lift. I have one word for you that will solve all your problems. And you will not have to have surgery. Do you want to know what that word is?

It's called squats. Moving on. They this is a stupid story.

Patients are less likely to die if treated by a female doctor according to a study. I hate everything. No, no, no, everything's racist, right? So you got to just lower the lower the standards. Just let everybody in. It's ignorant that we even require any kind of standards to get it, you know, just give everybody a medical license.

Everybody can operate on guts. squirrels are causing hazards on runways and in the airspace at Bay Area airports. The tree rats are causing lots of problems. They're making unsafe airfield conditions. And amongst the savvy safety concerns, they said they're they impact pavement signage and lighting.

And they're attracting birds of prey to invade the airspace. I don't care. I really don't care.

It's San Francisco. I don't care what happens there. I just really don't care. There's a new color coded heat risk tool added magenta. So if it's like super hot, it goes to magenta now.

Really? It's not red hot. It's magenta hot from the National Weather Service.

I think you should just do it by like cities. So like hot humidity, like how humid is it? Is it Houston? Houston humid?

Or Phoenix non humid? Like do that kind of a skill people get that they understand that more. Meanwhile, thanks to Biden now Amazon's doing they got a delivery a new grocery delivery program for snap recipients. It's a program that they're going to make available.

It's $4.99 a month for snap recipients. I'm not I'm not making this can I just we've got to go my gosh. I just shared with you the store. I shared the story with you. It's right in there. Right in there.

Right there. So is government welfare supposed to be spent on delivery fees? Yeah, I don't know if it's like if you can use part of your I first off, I don't think you do you have to be a prime member to eat to do the snap thing. Because it says it's open to prime members and recipients of the supplemental the stamp stuff. $10 a month prime can do unlimited grocery deliveries on orders $35 or more from Whole Foods.

So that's like what an onion? Amazon fresh, various local grocery retailers, and then you can do snap recipients can do it, I guess just for four. Okay, so it's just for $4.99 a month. Or how many deliveries a month? Just one? I guess unlimited. I don't know.

It doesn't actually tell that. They apparently Target and Walmart have a similar thing. And they're doing it and they launched in Sacramento late last year.

And they're doing it in Columbus, and Denver is I guess where they're kicking it off at now. So Okay, so I remember the the narrative of the food deserts and you know how in some areas that's absolutely true, like in some cities. And it's and can I just interrupt you?

So hold your train of thought, pause, pause your train of thought. It's not because grocers are racist. It's because it doesn't make sense for them to open a grocery store in an area that doesn't have either that doesn't can't support it. Right. That's like the whole and I say this is somebody who lived in downtown St. Louis. Or if it gets, you know, riddled with crime, for for an example, some businesses don't want to be there because of that.

Wow, imagine that. But that so imagine, I guess this is their response to eliminating food deserts, then if you can just have it delivered to you no matter where you are, then there is no such thing as a food desert at that point, right? Yeah, but where does that say we are that now you can get your snap deliveries on Amazon? Right. Everything about these micro transactions, everybody's doing these little things like you do a little service fee here and this little delivery fee there and this tip there and the next thing you know, you're $100 into a sandwich that got delivered. Oh my gosh, that is true.

That is true. Do I don't do like I'll do Instacart every now and then Amazon fresh. I think they give you bad stuff. I'm not a fan of it. No, I definitely will not do produce. I will not do produce on Amazon fresh.

I literally just will forgo it. If that's the only way I could get it if I can't get it because not every time I can't always get to the store all the time because of I work a lot. And then a lot of times I like to plan stuff in advance. And sometimes I'll have a grocery delivery also I and I'm just gonna say it when I go to the store. I and moms out there or dads apparent out there understands this, especially if you work crazy hours. It's kind of like a treat to go to the store, even if you're not buying anything because you're out and you're just looking at stuff.

Is that is that weird to say that? Now, in my house, when I grew up, first it was just my mom for a while and then my mom and my stepdad and my stepdad controlled two things. And we didn't question it. The thermostat and the grocery list. He handled the grocery shopping, because my stepdad believes that women are incapable of going to the grocery store and getting stuff on the list and he's not wrong, right?

He is not wrong. And he has a meticulous grocery list. He is a, if you think that you coupon, you do not coupon as hard as pawpaw coupons. No one coupons harder than pawpaw.

He will put you to shame. In fact, he hated the idea of the of the smartphone until we're like, but there's coupon apps on there. And then he was like, what? And then when he found out you could get a smart thermostat and can control that on your phone. I know what it was. He has a whole new world for him. Now.

Yeah, he went from the cricket or the jitterbug to that little jitterbug funny went from that to that. So he has like a meticulous and just like a meticulous grocery list and you got to have a coupon. It was you had to basically make a proposal to put something on the grocery list that was not normally on the grocery list. Like you had to go if he couldn't find the coupon for you. It was up to you. You had to get the coupon and prepare presentation as to why you felt this item should be on the grocery list and he had it in a section if you put something on the grocery list in the wrong section. It struck.

It doesn't get got. So he would start in the order he had the store all mapped out. And he would get mad when they change it.

He had the store all mapped out. So like if you're looking at the piece of paper and it's facing you where you're not looking at it from the screen. If you're looking at the piece of paper on the left side of the piece of paper, my left, it'd be your left was my right. He would have he would start with the produce, like you go in and you hit the produce and then you hit, you know, like the the mead and then you get into the dairy and then you start getting into the dry goods before hitting the freezer section last and that was very important because the freezer section you don't want freezer section food sitting in your car for forever, right? And you had to put it in the appropriate spot on a blank piece of paper. You just had to know where the sections were.

And if you put like if you put a dry good in the produce section struck, it's not getting got. He's very serious about that. And so I just like with all of this, I mean, this this whole thing is just it's just so bizarre to me. I I don't know I I was trying to thought I got so into his like list with that I had started having like, nom level flashbacks of putting wrong things on the list. And if you gave him an expired coupon, you are persona non grata with him.

But that's I mean, that's how he did everything. He like a coupon, everything. And I don't know, I remember my grandma having a talent on double coupon. Remember when they would do double coupon days?

No, but he does. You would take a coupon that was 50 cents on there'd be $1 off and sometimes the item was only like $1 to start with. You could end up with like a bunch of free stuff. I never understood it. But I loved going in to the grocery store and just because I'd get distracted man Costco. You'd get like a big fountain drink and you just walk around Costco. And there's so many things to look at.

They have so many like interesting products in the store. Especially now you're like, wow, look at this. Look at that. Look at this.

That's me. Look at this. Look at that. Look at this. Look at that. So I would like order stuff online because I because I hate normally I don't like shopping but I like looking at food stuffs. Otherwise I hate going to the store as Kane and everybody knows like if you see me in a black t shirts probably I probably got it off Amazon and it was probably part of a four pack.

Not even kidding you. I keep it pretty fancy. It's easy. But I love going into the grocery store and looking at the food stuff like especially the cheese section. But my stepdad thinks it's insane. And then when I was telling him with the food delivery stuff, I'm like, look, you can just immediately go with what you want. And sometimes you can apply the coupon like right here. And then he's like, he'll do like a whole spreadsheet breakdown of the delivery fee, etc. And he'll be like, I can save $2 and 83 cents if I just go there myself. Like, but that's your time an hour of your time spent getting this stuff.

Penny save as a penny. I just, you know, I don't even argue with him. I'm like, Okay, I just not even gonna argue with him about it.

That's but those are the two things that he control. I did not learn a single thing except I just if I see a coupon, I'm like, Yeah, I'll do it. But I just try to stick to like the stuff that's required. But man, the I agree with you, though, a lot of that I get it if some people are in a tight spot, you know, and they need to get they, you know, food delivery, I get it, like, especially if we it's the holidays, and we have people stay at the house. And I can't always like, you know, get away.

It's super helpful then. But a lot of times the Amazon fresh stuff, there's the produce is just just rank, man. It's not good. And I just I cannot deal with Whole Foods or the central market. I can't stand going into either of those places. I'd rather chew my own arm off in the parking lot next to a coexist sticker.

I can't. I cannot stand it's like a third world country. And everyone's a jackass when you go into these stores. Why is that? Like the meanest people are at these stores. You always get some like bougie lady with the acrylic nails who's in the produce like she actually knows what she's looking at. Shut up. Like just get out the way. I just need a young coconut from a rain get out my way.

God Lee. Every now and then I have to go in there because I need one item and it's only something that they got. And it's usually for a baking thing or a sauce. It's one thing I gotta get and I'm not gonna have it delivered because it's dumb. But I gotta go in there and I just I sit out sit outside the store cuz you know, they're all progressives. And you got to go in there and every I mean, it's just I can't deal I can't deal with it. Ah, I try to limit my visits there to like once or twice a year.

I'm with you though. I have bad luck with Amazon fresh. Like every time I order something from Amazon fresh half of the order is bad or rotten.

Apples not too long ago and it came back like half the bag was rotten. I don't like it's like they put the oldest stuff in there. I I literally will skip Amazon fresh every time I will not I will not do Amazon fresh.

It's horrible. I'd rather again I'd rather literally walk into a Whole Foods. I know right. Can I have one more thing? Can I have one more observation on this before we move?

I had to lighten it up a little bit. Do you whenever I go into those stores, I swear to you, I'm always by the person because I don't I'm sorry, I don't bring bags into the store. What? I don't do that.

I'm not there. I don't sit here and have my little hemp bags and go into the store with my hemp bag. And then I have you seen the people like they virtue signal because they go, oh, paper or plastic? I have my own bags. And then it's a big deal. And then they look around like they get a citizenship award because they brought their own stupid bags to the store.

I cannot deal with this. I remember having to go to Aldi's. You had to bring your bags or buy them. You went to Aldi's. You had to bring your own bag.

Yeah. Or Aldi's is like carry all that stuff out in your arms. In the empty box that you found on the shelf. That's exactly what I do.

But you know what I mean? At whole like whole visit central market, they do this. And they know I have my own bags. And now they just use paper, but plastic bags. I like I will reuse my plastic bags for stuff. Just because I don't know I do. I don't not because I'm trying to be a good person. I don't care.

But whenever I'm like, I'll take plastic. Does anyone else notice? It's like the world stops.

Everything stops. The whole store shuts down and someone's like, who hates planet Earth over here? Is it you?

Did you ask for the plastic bags? You? Just hate the planet. Just want to rape the planet, don't you? Golly. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.