Caregiving Wife of 25 Years Laughs About Going to Dentist for a Break.

Joe is a friend of mine and we follow each other on Facebook and she post up the other day and I want to read this to you and I had to call her afterwards. She said how to know it's time to re-examine the schedule when you look forward to going to the dentist for crown preparation because it's an hour plus in one place with no demands other than open, close bite and tap. Sounds almost relaxing.

I want to give you a little bit of your story and just some thoughts you have as a caregiver and I would love to hear those things. So welcome to the show Joe. Thanks Peter. Thanks for inviting me. Good to be with you all.

Well I did. I had a great restful time at the dentist this week and I've been a caregiver about 25 years for my husband Jerry who was born with cerebral palsy and I made the choice to marry him knowing that there was going to be caregiving involved and even knowing that there's still lots of surprises that come along the way. And as his body ages, as does mine, the needs change and it's just been a few weeks of just having lots of changing needs coming through in our caregiving routine and so it was really delightful to just go down and go to the dentist and they put a blanket over me and it was pretty awesome. I recommend it.

I got to tell you Joan, I'm with you on that. I know what it's like to, I like that big lead blanket they put on me. It's so heavy and warm and comfortable and I'm thinking, what's wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? But I do, it's a very, and the dentist's office is a nice place and they're very nice and they have nice music playing and I thought, you know as caregivers, we get that. That's kind of a quiet place and so what?

They're taking sharp instruments in our mouth. You know, so what? It's a nice place to go.

I love it. Well, I wanted to ask you something. You married Jerry knowing that he had things going on. You know, I married Gracie knowing that she was hurt. She was hurt a couple years before I ever met her. I had no concept of what it was like being in a relationship with someone who was hurt. Did you have any preparation for cerebral palsy?

I had some. I had worked in group homes with kids with multiple disabilities. I also had been a live-in caregiver for a year to a lady who was a quadriplegic.

So I did some, but honestly, Jerry and I didn't talk a lot about what the disability needs would be before we got married. I think we just kind of assumed each other knew and we didn't know everything. Well, most of us don't and I saw a thing that you had on your blog about Valentine's Day last month and you know, the question about, you know, did we have, did we do it right? Do we have the romantic evening that we wanted? Do you remember your comments you made about going to a five-star restaurant? You know, I said I would be uncomfortable.

I think it was something to the effect that I would be uncomfortable going to a restaurant where they're going to put the napkin on my lap and I have to make sure I use the right fork or glass or whatever for it. It's much more romantic and comfortable for me if we're going to just a casual restaurant that we enjoy, that we can have time to talk and to laugh, that I'm not cooking or cleaning up the meal. That's great.

All that fancy stuff would be lost on me and would make my Valentine's celebration or whatever celebration more stressful than it would be fun and relaxing. Well, I get that. You know, that's why, you know, of course, Gracie always likes it when I reserve a booth at the Waffle House. I didn't know you could reserve there.

I'll keep that in mind. Well, you don't know my Waffle House. We're a long ways from that now, way out here in Montana, and I miss them. But no, I get that because as caregivers, you know, we don't, I think there's so much, John knows my policy on holidays. I don't like them. I'm not a big fan.

The only holiday I really like is Arbor Day because you plant a tree, you water it, say a prayer, you walk away, no parade, no drama. But all the others, there's this expectation. And I just appreciated your comments that you said about that, that just learn to just be comfortable. Being comfortable is the key. And I think so many of us as caregivers are not comfortable.

We feel like there's this burning urge that we've somehow got to make this more perfect and better and offset the challenges. And that's not where you are. That's not where Jerry is. Talk a little bit about that. And tell me why you're not that way. You know, I'm not sure that I've ever been that way to have to fit in with everything, but we did try it for a while, I think, early on and live up to the expectations or tried to live up to them of people saying, this is how you have to do your relationship.

This is what you have to do. We even had people tell us for a while that we were wrong for me to be Jerry's personal care attendant, that that should never happen as a wife. And it's like, no, we have to work out the plan that works for us.

And for a while, it was much more uncomfortable to have people coming in and out. Wait a minute, back up for a second. Who would say that to you?

Well, off the air, I would tell you who, but I'm not going to say that on the air. Are you still friends with these people? Yes, yes. Especially two in particular that just thought that was really a wrong thing. And so as we went through, we thought we can try to live up to everybody else's expectations. But that puts a whole lot more stress on us when we already have enough going on in life, plus we work in ministry.

So there's just a lot going on. So let's, we have to let go of something. And so what we can let go of the easiest is what other people think. As long as, our bottom line is, if we're living a marriage that we believe is biblically centered, then a lot of the things that people say are critical for marriage, that's all cultural and societal. Let those things go and live the way that God has told us to live in our marriage and then, you know, have fun with the rest of the time. You know, at the end of the day, you need to be friends and enjoy each other's company.

And there's not these guidelines and rules of saying you have to do this, you know, in order to be happy as a couple. And, you know, I knew that when, I mean, you know, Gracie and I have done the, you know, the nice restaurants and so forth like that, but we've been married now for 34 years this year. And, you know, I came to treasure and cherish going to diners with her and just having a good time with the staff there and just hanging out.

There's a restaurant down the mountain here that we'd like to go to. And it's just as comfortable as you can be, you know, and she could go in and she's got her legs uncovered so she's not, you know, she's got robotic looking legs and nobody cares, you know, it's just, it's, it's just one of those things where you just learn to just enjoy the moment and not make so much drama out of, you know, this and that and so forth and I was just really quite moved to see that from you. If you would take a moment to share some things that you've learned about yourself in this journey with Jerry, because this has not been an easy journey, you know, Jerry's challenges are significant. And, and what have you learned about yourself that maybe surprised you? One of the things I've learned is what you shared I think was just last week or two weeks ago on your, your show, just about so many of the things that I attribute and think are really about caregiving.

They're not. They're really about me and who I am as a person. And the fact that my heart wants to go off on its own many times and so I've, I've had to learn to figure out what are the things that I need to own for myself. Versus what are the things that really are a legitimate true part of caregiving that I need to find some ways to work through. I think I've also learned that Jerry doesn't want me to be his mother. I need to help him in the areas he needs, but not be his mother, let him be who he is. Let him tell me when he needs help or do those kinds of things. And, and sometimes when I'm being more that mother, it's because I'm having the need to feel needed. And so I'll jump in to do something when it's really not helpful at all for him. Somebody, I was doing an interview one time with a reporter and they asked me, what's the hardest thing you've dealt with as a caregiver? And I want to echo what you just said that the hands down for me, the hardest thing I've ever dealt with is knowing what is mine and what is not mine. And I get that so mixed up and Gracie will affirm that I get it.

I get the lines so great on that one. How great charcoal. Great. I mean, it gets gray and you know, and that it's hard because we were in that mode a lot and it's hard to just be. Did you, you, you guys are involved in ministry.

You've been involved with Johnny Erickson Tada and, and, and, and all of the things with Johnny and friends. You know, you were a strong believer before all this. And I want, I tell you what, can you hold on to the break and I'd like you to tell us how that evolved for you as you, as you grew in your faith and, and, and grew as a caregiver.

And can you hold on to the break? All right. This is hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger talking to Joan Borton, Joan Borton.com. J O A N B O R T O N. Just an amazing friend and a fellow caregiver. And she's got a lot of wisdom.

She wants to share with you. 877-655-6755. We'll be right back. Hi, this is Jeff Foxworthy. Did you know 65 million Americans serve as a caregiver for a sick or disabled loved one? If you're one of them, then listen to my friend, Peter Rosenberger show.

He's got redneck tendencies, but I'm telling you, he's good at what he does. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger. And in 1983, I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

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Isn't it about time someone started advocating for you? www.caregiverlegal.com, an independent associate. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver on the Family Talk channel, Sirius XM 131. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger. I am your host. That is my wife Gracie singing, and boy, can she sing.

I love listening to her voice. And you know what? This whole show is about learning to rejoice no matter what's going on because we're live. We're doing it, okay? We're living it. This is not a dress rehearsal. We're doing it. And it's not going to be everything we want it to be, but that doesn't mean we have to be miserable.

Being miserable is a choice, and we're glad that you are tuning in today to just be a part of this with us. 877-655-6755, 877-655-6755. I'm talking with Joan Borton, fellow caregiver who has been doing this for now a quarter of a century or a little bit more. Is that about right, Joan? Quarter of a century? Yeah, it is. Yep. Sounds long. You can see it that way.

Well, it is a long time. And she's been caring for her husband Jerry. You know, before we went to the break, I wanted to talk a little bit about your faith because, you know, you were a believer when you and Jerry married. You all were both believers. But there's nothing like caregiving for a couple of decades to kind of take it to a whole other level, is there?

That's for sure. What have you learned about yourself and about God through this that surprised you? I think what I've learned most about God is that He's okay with me as I am.

I don't have to achieve to a certain place. Jerry is very gracious in accepting my mistakes and my messes when they happen, and we really talk about him as being my junior shepherd to my great shepherd, the Lord Jesus. And so as Jerry is able to embrace and accept my mistakes and failures, it shows me a picture of how loving God is to me and that He accepts me and that I don't have to. I remember I used to do some singing in church when we were early married, and I said to Jerry one time, I can't go up on stage this week and sing because I have this twisted ankle and I have to use the cane to walk.

And he's like, so it's okay for me to show up with a wheelchair, but you can't show up with a cane? And that really struck me that there are just still so many ugly, sinful parts of me and places where I mess up, but Jerry accepts me, God accepts me, and I need to embrace that and move on. Well said, well said, and I think that these are little pearls of wisdom that we learn along the way that surprise us, but they also add to the texture and beauty of our lives.

And the whole point of this show and everything I do, my books, everything, is to say, you know what, you don't have to be miserable in this. It is painful, it is hard, and I know you and Jerry have cried lots of tears, but even in the midst of those things, there is still beauty around us and in us and working through us. And you've forged a marriage, and now you and Jerry have also invested in the lives of so many others, and it was just, like I said, it was just your post about going to the dentist. And because John's mother, she was a dental hygienist, so dental stories are always great for us.

Well, before I let you go, I haven't done this yet because we try to do this every week because we like to laugh, and we keep hoping that we will. But John is notorious for dad jokes, so you got a dad joke you could share with John before we let her go? Yeah, yeah, especially a dental-related one. Do you have a dental, really? It was Joan's dental post that brought her to the show today.

Yeah. Alright, so hit us with it, John, and hopefully we will laugh. Oh, I, uh, uh...

Hold on, Joan, here it comes. You know how many apples grow on a tree? Now how many?

All of them. Uh, ba-dum-bum. You know why they call those dad jokes? Because it's... Go on. Oh, nice.

Because what? I missed that. This line's apparent. Apparent. Alright, it's apparent.

I actually thought it was because they were grown. Uh, yes, yes. Oh, this is, this is... You've got to laugh through these things, but don't laugh while the dentist or the hygienist has the picks in your mouth. That's not a good, it's not a good look when, you know... Good counsel. No, it's not. Well, I, you know, I... Oh, I need to pray for your next guest.

They're going to have a hard time with this. You're going to have to, that's going to be a longer prayer list. Joan, joanborton.com. If you want to find out more about Joan, go to her website, her blog, joanborton.com.

J-O-A-N-B-O-R-T-O-N dot com. And Joan, will you please, will you please be a regular guest with us and just call back in and just, just... Whatever's on your heart, you always have an open line to call in, okay? Thanks, would love to do that. I'll keep it in mind. Alright. Thank you so much for joining. Thanks so much, Peter.