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#427 The Obligation Trap For Caregivers

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger
The Truth Network Radio
June 28, 2020 12:07 pm

#427 The Obligation Trap For Caregivers

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger

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June 28, 2020 12:07 pm

"Must, Should, Need, Have To ..."

These are all words that reflect that a caregiver's fallen into the obligation trap. Obligation is the gateway to resentment, and all too many caregivers find themselves struggling with deep resentment towards themselves, their loved ones, family members who didn't help, medical personnel, employers, and even God. 

From our radio broadcast on June 27, we discussed this issue and how we as caregivers avoid "The Obligation Trap."  This episode is part of our series on the FOG ( Fear -Obligation-Guilt) of Caregivers. 

Click here to see more about THE FOG of Caregivers. 

Peter Rosenberger

www.standingwithhope.com 

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And you here on American family radio Roseburg The show for you as a family caregiver more than 65 of us across this country were putting themselves knowingly and willingly dearly without pay between the multiple of one of the worst disaster related to aging.

Maybe it's a special needs child. Maybe you had some in your life experience some type of trauma or illness. Maybe you are in a relationship with somebody was an alcoholic or an addict whose her chronic impairments.

This is a show for you today. Right now it is the only sure of its kind across the entire country across the world were on American family radio 888-589-8848 eight 858.80 840 if you want to be a part of the show and also were streaming live on our Facebook page and hope for the caregiver on Facebook. When we put this out on the podcast as well and you can go and see all that information and hope for the caregiver.com and we hope you'll subscribe to it in this the station broadcast the show live on Saturday mornings and then does a repeat on Sunday nights.

It 10 o'clock central 11 o'clock Eastern on this network as well that we also welcome the Truth Network was also listed the show as well.

So we thank you all for being a part of the show. This is this is a movement that we are initiating and facilitating a try to reach those people who have been largely ignored and if you would been a relationship with somebody who has some type of chronic impairment for any length of time.

You understand that people don't necessarily ask about you they they ask how your loved one is doing and if they get a decent report then they will nod with approval and move on and they or they get a bad report then they'll say will pray for you and the move on but they really don't get a good report on you do the and that's what the show is all about is how are you feeling going on with you where's your headspace was your heart space. What do you think about all this going on in your life as a caregiver. There's an individual who is trying to figure out okay where is this which is going does God know what's going on as he forgot about me Something that I you know what there's a lot of we have a lot of questions as caregivers about what what is all going on with us in the work struggling while try to do all these things were getting more worn out as the day goes or frustrated or despairing or angry or resentful or almost things how we function in this and that's what were dealing with on this.

You and bring 34 years as a caregiver through a medical nightmare to this conversation things I've learned every bit of it the hard way having you know honestly how I wish I could say these are things that I learned the easy way I have it and I don't know but that's that's okay because people have learned things of the hard way in the past on their wisdom to us throughout all kinds of stuff and I guess this way it works but I had this passion this mission to offer something that I didn't have for the rest of this is I have to listen to Mont show sometimes have to go back and listen to so cake that I did. I practice that you know. Did I miss that one and that I have to read my old book, sometimes deserves. There's not a lot of leadership for family caregivers out there and so we want to step into that vacuum and provide strong biblical understanding and truce of what's going on. To assess family caregivers through us and and in our lives and and how do we function in this and if you pay any attention to the news. You know the world is going crazier and crazier as caregivers were probably little bit more used to the stuff we live with crisis after crisis after crisis and and I you could correct me if I'm wrong, but I have a lengthy opinion. In my opinion, is it is is worth what you're paying for it, but this is guided by some of strong understanding and experience that is a caregiver.

Your challenges don't end at the great that I'm still a caregiver, but from everything I've seen this is one of those things those circumstances where a funeral cycle solve your problem.

I know too many caregivers who are still dealing with the residual impact of caregiving years after there's grass growing on the great of their level and so obviously there's there's a heart issue that's going on that is deeper than just the physical task that we do as caregivers so there's that's where we spend our time. If that's where you are. This is the place for you. 888-589-8840 888-589-8840 will start off with Luke 16 and let me back up to about verse eight of a Trident couple different translations here, but in the message that I want you to be smart in the same way for what is right, using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival to concentrate your attention on the bare essentials. So you live really live and not complacently just get by on good behavior.

God sees behind appearances and then went on to verse 10 to 13 Jesus went on to make these comments if you're honest in small things you be honest and big things out in in the new American Standard version say he was faithful in the very little thing is faithful also in much. And he was unrighteous in very little thing is also in righteous and much and I'll think about that for us is caregivers. One of the biggest issues for me. You see, if this resonates with you. One of the biggest issues for me is this constant tug-of-war of feeling like I've got to I have to I need to I should be doing. I should be doing. I should have done and that comes from this deep sense of obligation that we have as caregivers you feel obligated. II have long maintained it for the vast majority of us is caregivers. We struggle in that obligation world up. It's part of what I call the fog of caregivers for those you longtime listers. You understand that terminology use of use. Often the fog fear obligation and guilt fog of caregivers and just like when you come up when you're driving along and you hit a fog bank and you will see you and your your vision just offset also just reduces to almost nil. And you have to go slower but you can get very disoriented in that fog bank and you can get get hurt. You could drive off the road and hit a tree off a cliff, whatever will we caregivers are no different. We get lost in what what is it I guess the best way to call is that fog of caregivers of its fear what we can do and how to get to this school happen you know it week we feel that almost abject panic going on with us as we look down the road we see where this is potentially going, possibly going and more likely probably go but were still not there yet but were still living in that fear. My wife's a AA PT and amputees have what you call phantom limb pain inferred that and they can feel a limb that's no longer there's it's it's a odd sensation, but they can feel a limb that's no longer there will caregivers can have the reverse of that we could experience pain of something that hasn't happened yet and we're living in, and what I call the wreckage of our future and and and and that fear just grips us and that's part of the fog of caregivers and then we have the guilt of of all kinds of things, not just sins that get great present on the guilt of the fact that you have a child with special needs that didn't ask to be born into this world with these challenges and you feel guilty for you. Have a love one who is just constantly wearing you out and you feel guilty if you snap or are you say something sharp or you lose your cool or whatever.

Or you have love one is in pain and they can't get up and do things like you kidding me feel guilty if you can go for a walk or if you want to watch television for our uninterrupted all kinds of things make us feel guilty. Then there's that middle obligation talk about this relation that Scripture will become back 888-589-8840 885 eight that any court in this regard, glad you are you enjoying our broadcast on John Butler and I coproduced Peter show hope for the caregiver since it began. I like to think that I'm responsible for the explosive growth the shows enjoyed. I'd like to think that but while Peter pays me not to.

So let's move along all jokes aside out. I do have a great time with the show. We absolutely love it. In this podcast we not only publish things from the show, but also include special bonus materials. We really don't want to have a subscription section, but would rather make all of this great content available for free to hurting caregivers you can help us do that by clicking on the become a patron button first little as a dollar a month you can be a part of the world's number one podcast for family caregivers. There's all types of gifts that we love to give you depending on what tier you like to join. Maybe it's five dollars.

Maybe it's 10, whatever you'd like. Consider sponsoring this podcast today and help strengthen family caregivers and yourself. Thanks so much and remember healthy caregivers make better caregivers caregiving is a family caregivers and he does know the plans that he has for you and we are glad that you with this. 888-589-8840 888-589-8840 and now that's my wife Grace who is a extraordinary she's an extraordinary singer. She has trusted God through a medical nightmare that is extended to 80 surgeries in both of her legs being amputated and yet she sings that and you want to, but if you want to get a copy of that record go out to hopefully caregiver.com just click right there on the front page you see her the cover of her record and for any donation whatsoever will send you copy of that for CDA to help go to the two program areas, you can designate which one of our parent company that sponsors a show standing with hope and we have the family caregiver outreaches for the 100 and those who care for them, but we also have a prosthetic limb outreach that she started when she give up her legs and we provide prosthetic limbs to her fellow amputees in West Africa. We worked with the Republic of Ghana for 15 years and we've trained and equipped their workers to build limbs for their own people. We recycle prosthetic legs if you knew that we could do that would you could recycle prosthetic legs. They go to a prison in Tennessee that inmates volunteer to work in. They they they will disassemble the limbs falls we could recycle the foot that need the pile on the screws.

The adapters and connectors. All of that stuff prosthetic socks. The belt systems all those things can be used two to help use those components then to make a new leg will will bold a custom fit Lake on site in West Africa use those parts to complete the prosthesis so there's a things that you can do right now if you know somebody who has an amputee in their life that maybe is passed away or or child it's outgrown a prosthetic limb.

All we always need pediatric prosthetic limbs, and you can go out to all of that and see it at at our website and not go atop the caregiver.com.

We got a young man right now where sponsoring for a limb and we been treating him for about 14 years and as a groceries gone through limbs, and you can be a part of that as well to so we would love we would love to have you help get this young man walking in the will send a copy of Gracie CD got to hope the caregiver.com.

Click on the donate button today. Right now, be a part of of ministry to the wounded and those who care for them were talking about obligation. Part of that fear obligation in guilt and that obligation is where caregivers get so slammed and here's how you know if you're struggling with. When you use terminology like I got to I have to I need to. I should've done I should be doing. I'm supposed to those kinds of words indicate an obligation quagmire for us and that fear obligation guilt that fog of caregivers where we get lost in this and we can get really hurt and hurt our loved ones something just to reorient our thinking so that we are not lost in that place and just floundering around.

And so what I what I've come to understand and that obligation trap that we could all fall into. I've done it so many times is it we have to remind ourselves again those you regular listeners know this. I say this often. We don't need a lot of instructions this caregivers I can't tell you how to take care your love will you get to take care of mine. You will get this year you been doing this for a while your competent you know what's going on. We don't need a lot of instructions. Once we get the instruction we did usually stick something if I if I for example show you how I learned how to deal with doctors or with insurance companies. Once you got that you got it you don't need that constant instruction that but we do need a lot of reminders and that's where we come in today with our Scripture where Jesus is saying and it was in the context of of money management but the principal still the same and he said he was faith little things also faithful much use unrighteous in all things. Also unrighteous in mud and and in the message that I want you to be smart in the same way for what is right, using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival to concentrate your attention on the bare essentials.

So you live really live not complacently just get bound good behavior and that's that. Some powerful message for us is caregivers because it helps us address that obligation if she were not owners were stewards were creatively responding with the mindset God gave us to these things that are coming awake, sometimes, are coming in just waves, but we don't own it is really important for us as caregivers to get this concept in our hearts. My wife had a car wreck a couple years before I married her I did not know where I did not cause this wreck. I cannot undo the damage that was done to her through this wreck, I don't own this.

I am a steward stewardship is the key. And that's where we don't hear a lot in our country is stewardship of them were 20 what 24 trillion deficient it clearly would cut stewardship is not on the top of mine. Love most American certainly in political office but but stewardship of the of the challenges and the talents and the gifts in the unpleasant things that God allows in our lives are we being good stewards of those if you look at a national level are we being a good steward of the freedom that we have, to be able to devote me just just that.

Are we voting only being responsible stewards and then we have to realize we were dealing with the suffering loved one being good steward of what God has allowed in our lives because CI don't work for my wife.

I am a steward of this wonderful soul that God has entrusted to me for however much time with all of her challenges with all of her broken body issues that she deals with.

But I have to answer to him and said, once you start having that conversation in your head that your steward you're not an owner it's not up to me to fix it. It's up to me to care for her, to the best of my abilities and asked for you to have the courage and the strength to make amends.

When I mess it up because I will and I do that I can't be the only one, but that's that's our journey of understanding as a carrier to a healthier place where we're realizing I didn't cause this. I can't change it. I can curate. So what's my role but I can care for them. It to the best of my abilities but I can't fix it is often tell people in particular if you're driving right now will listen. The show look at your hands. If that hopefully there are the wheel attendant to but look at your hands. Just take a moment look down at your hands right now how many of you all see nail prints since there are no nail prints on any of your hands. I'm going to go ahead and say and mine included the we have to realize this isn't our's to fix is ours to be steward of wheat answer to God for how we deal with this, but ultimately it's his responsibility. My wife has a Savior.

Not that Savior and the caregiver must, but another Savior, and so that's the that's the mental shift that occurred in me into this program of of caring, and so forth that I've done with her for years and once that happened, it was a game changer because I realized oh, my responsibilities are different. If I'm thinking that I own it that it's going to drive me with that whole obligation thing. I got to I have to I need to assure but if I don't own it. Steward seven responsibility to care to do the best I can do those kinds of things in a different manner as unto God, and that journey for us 15 years ago Gracie and I started an organization called standing with hope, and this was part of the vision that she had after losing both of her legs. She wanted to provide quality prosthetic limbs to her fellow amputees as a means of sharing the gospel we been working in the country of West Africa for many many years and part of that involves a prosthetic limb recycling program with an unusual collaboration Gracie, when you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach.

Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years.

When you go to the facility run by core civic over in Nashville and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you helped collect from all of the countries that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and orange everything when you see all this. What is the duty makes me cry because I see this on their faces and I know I know what it is locked in place where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out the hospital and so long in so these men are so glad they get to be doing is one thing said something good timing with my did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea I thought Peg leg. I thought a wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flexibly see legs and all that.

I never thought about. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there helping other people about walk providing the means for the supplies to get there duty just on the heart level. I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish I could be able to come and say the this guy right here go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me Kathleen. I know it would only II feel like I'm at home within the common only I could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs core civic office.

I think there is absolutely awesome and I think Andrea prison out there have faith-based programs like this because the return rate for men that are involved in this program and other ones like it and I know that this art is amazingly low rate compared to those who don't think that says that is me just has something to do with not using somebody broken to help other people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs went from above one passed away four somebody well-groomed you donated some of your own head out of the do that please go to standing with.com/recycle gaining without.com/recycle backspace


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