Loving Your Woman

If you're trying to change your wife, you're messing up. Dr. Tony Evans says a man who wants his wife to meet his needs has to start out by meeting hers. Wives need honor, but agape love means honor and don't expect anything returned. This is The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans, author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of The Urban Alternative. It's not enough for a man to love his wife. He has to love her with the right kind of love. Today, Dr. Evans reveals how you can do that and talks about the changes that take place when you do.

Let's join him. In the New Testament days, when they used the term love, they had distinguishing words, words that differentiated the meaning of love so you knew what was being meant. They wouldn't just say, I love you, or I love hot dogs, or I mean, they had words that made a difference. We do not use those distinguishing words today, and so we use the word love to cover everything. So let me go back to the New Testament day and use or explain the three concepts of love that existed then, and those concepts are brought into the Bible. The first kind of love is in a word that was called eros, eros. Now eros was sexual fulfillment, or to put it more bottom line, it was basically lust.

That's the kind of love that most of our music is made of today. The Greeks also had a second word, and that word was phileo, phileo. Now the second Greek word was the love of friends. When a man said, I phileo you, he was saying, I am your friend. Now the uniqueness of this, as opposed to eros, is that it was not tied to sexual fulfillment, but it did have something that was also true of eros, and that is it was tied to some degree of selfishness.

As in eros, there was a desire to have one's physical needs met. In phileo, there was a response to a person because of how they treated you, and they were your friends. In other words, a phileo is someone who's like a brother to you. He covers your back, and you cover his back.

He's your buddy. You know you can count on him, and you know that he's going to treat you right, and you're going to treat him right. So that if you have a phileo relationship, and he doesn't treat you right, you will say, I thought you were my friend.

That's phileo. It was that mutual friendship that had an understanding about it, that I'm going to treat you right, and you're going to treat me right. As long as you treat me right, I'm going to treat you right. If you stop treating me right, then our friendship will be in jeopardy because I won't trust you anymore.

Okay? So that was phileo. That was a legitimate term used among friends. In fact, Jesus used it with Peter when he said, are you my friend? And the Greek word is phileo.

Are you my friend? Now, there's another word. This word is different than the other two because it expresses God's love. It defines love from God's perspective, and that word was agape. Agape.

Now, the reason I'm taking this time out is because before I can talk about loving your wife, we've got to know what we're meaning by love because I've tried to establish love can mean different things to different people. Agape is unique because unlike eros and unlike phileo, agape has nothing to do with what the other person does. Eros is tied to meeting my needs sexually.

Phileo is tied to how you're treating me as a friend. But this word agape is unlike the other two because it had to do with taking the initiative to act on someone else's behalf, even at your own expense. Now, follow that. Agape is different because it had to do with acting on someone else's behalf for the betterment of another without any necessary demand or expectation for anything in return. Now, let me go back to my original scripture. Paul says, husbands agape your wives. Not husbands eros your wives.

Look at them as sexual objects. Not husbands phileo your wives, necessarily defining them as friends. Husbands agape your wives. That's the Greek term. We would use love and perhaps it would cover all three. Can't do that in the New Testament.

It's a specific term. When you look at your wife, agape them. That is, love them in such a way that your orientation is to meet their need. Listen to this. Regardless of what you receive in return.

Now, that's going to change a whole lot of homes right there. Because many of the problems that we have with our wives is tied to the fact that they do not phileo us or could be tied to the fact that they do not eros us. Okay? I mean, it could be either way. But the idea, the idea when the Bible says love has nothing to do with their sexual response and has nothing necessarily to do with their friendship response.

Catch this. Romans 5a. For God demonstrated his agape, his love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died. God demonstrated love toward us while we were sinners. Now, do you know how much God hates sin? Do you know how much God hates us?

The Bible says God is angry with the wicked every day. So he looked out and he saw our sin. He saw our evil thoughts, our evil actions, our evil attitudes. He saw our rebellion against him. He saw our lifestyles. He heard our cussing and fussing. He saw all of that and said, I hate what they are doing, but I will demonstrate my love toward you even though I can't stand how you act, how you talk, how you walk, how you move.

I'm still going to die. That is biblical love. And that's why you can love people that you don't necessarily like.

Because like is phileo. Love is agape. That's why Jesus can say, agape your enemies. Now, nobody likes their enemies. Nobody likes somebody who hates their guts and is out to destroy them. God says you don't have to like them.

You just have to love them. Because love has nothing to do with what you get in return. Most of the world will reject Jesus Christ, but that did not stop him from loving even though God knew that in advance. 1 Peter 3 verse 7, husbands likewise. Now, whenever you read the word likewise in the Bible, it means that he's building off of something that's already been stated. And what he's building off of is the end of chapter 2 where it says in verse 21, for to this you were called, because Christ also suffered.

So some of you are suffering with your wives? All right, good. Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that we should walk in his steps. So before I go any further, I want to hear you talking about that was Jesus.

If I was Jesus, I could live with her, too. Okay? I don't want you talking that. Because he says that you might walk in what? His steps. So he's not talking about something that only applies to him, but it's an example for you and me.

All right. Now, he says, who committed no sin, so he wasn't guilty, nor was the seed found in his mouth. He wasn't lying. He was telling the truth about us, and he had done nothing wrong, but he got the blame. That was what the cross was all about. He took our blame. Verse 23.

Now, catch this, men, because this is the introduction of husband-wife relationships. Who, when he was reviled, did not revile in return. Now, he could have said, I ain't gonna have no human beings talking to me like that. I'm not gonna have any human beings treating me like that. Don't they know I can cut them loose and find me somebody else? Don't they know I don't have to deal with this? Don't they understand who I is?

Don't they understand that they don't know my name? Okay? He could have did that, but when he was messed over, reviled, he did not revile in return. Well, no, what goes around comes around kind of stuff. When he suffered, he did not threaten. Yeah, treat me like that again.

You're gonna be picking your face up off the floor. Didn't threaten, but committed himself to him who judges rightly, who, at the proper time, is always gonna tell the truth. Who himself bore our sins. Now bore who's sins? He bore something that he wasn't responsible for. In his own body on the tree that we, having died to sin, might live for righteousness by whose stripes you were healed. Now catch that. By the stripes he bore, we were healed. Could it be that the only way your wife is gonna come around is by the stripes you bear on her behalf?

Watch it now. Jesus bore the stripes, but we get the healing. Remember that you might walk in his steps.

Okay, now let's go on. Verse 25, for you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the shepherd and overseer of your soul. You were going the wrong direction until he bore stripes, but when he was willing to bear stripes, that's what turned you around. Some of you are only gonna win back your wives when you love them enough to take some stripes. You're not gonna hear that in the street. The street ain't gonna tell you, you don't have to take any stripes. Give some.

Don't take none. All right, but now look. Now we come to verse 7. Husbands, like wives.

Like who? Like Jesus, remember? We're following his steps.

Just like Jesus. Now what does he want you to do? First of all, live with your wives in an understanding way, or dwell with them according to knowledge, or to put it more simply, study your mate. Dwell with them in an understanding way.

Learn what makes them tick. Giving honor to the wife. Give honor to your wife. The concept of giving honor is the concept of placing her on a pedestal.

Like it or not, that's what that means. The concept of honor is placing her on a pedestal. It doesn't say change your wife. If you're trying to change your wife, you're messing up.

You're messing up. Changing your wife is not by changing your wife. Changing your wife is by honoring your wife. Dr. Evans will come back in a moment with some specific examples of what honoring is all about. But first, I want to let you know that this is the final message from his Marriage Matters series. It's a 14-lesson look at God's blueprint for marriages and families, helping you to get serious about the role God has designed for you as a husband or wife, leading to a godly marriage that's both thriving and fulfilling. This complete two-volume collection is available as our gift to you in appreciation for your financial contribution to Tony's ministry. And as a special bonus, we're also including copies of Tony's Companion 3 booklet bundle, Marriage Matters for Married Men Only and for Married Women Only. To get this special package sent your way, visit tonyevans.org and make your donation. Or if it's more convenient, just call us at 1-800-800-3222, where team members are ready to assist with your resource request. Again, that's 1-800-800-3222 or online at tonyevans.org.

Tony will come back with the conclusion of today's lesson right after this. Alaska is truly one of God's masterpieces, an unspoiled paradise where you can see the magnificent creativity of God on full display. And from August 6 to 13, you can experience Alaska with Tony Evans and the Urban Alternative on a cruise that will pamper you with luxurious accommodations, incredible meals, and a large variety of leisure experiences. Take in the wonder of God's creation and God's Word as you learn from Dr. Evans and other gifted teachers.

Spots for this August 6 to 13 cruise are filling up fast, so find out more and book your spot at tonyevans.org. Now, if your wife is like my wife, she spends a lot of time in self-pampering before the mirror, how she looks, how she dresses, the way they look in the mirror. Do you know what women do? They're pampering themselves. They're making themselves feel good about themselves. Now, honoring her is your adding to what she already does for herself. It's your pampering her pampering of herself. It is you making her feel good about her.

Okay? And the reason why many of our wives rebel is because what they need, they're not receiving. Women need honor. They need to be pampered or put on a pedestal.

And every one of you did that when you dated your wives. Everyone, baby, you are fine. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? We're talking about our bad mamma jamma. You are fine. All right?

All right? I mean, we pampered her in pulling out of the chair. We pampered her in opening the door. We pampered her in when we were walking the wrong side of the street, you know, moving her to the other side. We moved to the inside. You know, now she's lucky if she can get in the car before we drive off.

I mean, we're talking about things that have gotten bad here. All right? Pamper your wife. Honor her.

Make her feel like somebody special. If you do that without expecting anything in return, then anything you get is a bonus. See, don't do it saying, okay, I heard the pastor this morning. I'm going out here. Baby, you got a week of pampering. If you don't get your thing together in a week, I ain't pampering you no more. Uh-uh. No, no, no. You don't understand.

The idea that I want to communicate is very simple. Wives need honor. But agape love means honor and don't expect anything in return or don't demand anything in return. Now, that's what God will use, though, to give you something in return. You can't go demanding it.

I'm going to do this now. You better do that. God doesn't do that. He doesn't say, I'm going to die for you. Now, you better get saved. I'm going to die for you and salvation is available if you want it.

But I'm still going to die. And some of you men in your homes have got to decide to die to be striped, to be kicked and abused, and you're still very much a man. So you haven't become less of a man.

You're all man if you do that, because it takes somebody with guts to be willing to do that. As to the weaker vessel, he calls her weaker. In other words, she can't take what you can take. She can't take it physically. She's physically weaker.

She's going to cry first, generally, because she's emotionally weaker. She can't take what you take. So you take more than she has to.

The Bible says she's weaker, and she is. That's why she gets upset faster and stays upset longer, because she's weaker. She cannot take what you take. So if she works and then has to come home and cook and then has to take care of the kids, her circuits are often overloaded. She can't take what you take. And then you get mad because she's not available at night. But if the circuits are overloaded, she can't take it. She can't respond. And so then she feels like a tramp if she's forced to respond physically, but she can't, because her circuits are overloaded, because she's weaker. The Bible says God made her weaker. And then he closes by saying, and being heirs together of the grace of life, treat her as an equal.

Heirs together. Don't treat her as somebody under your foot. The way some men treat their wives are like dogs.

They treat them disgracefully, not as an equal. She is your equal. You're the leader, but she still is your equal. In essence, she's every bit as good as you.

Treat her as an equal. And then he says that your prayers may not be hindered. You're on your knees praying, Lord, change my wife. God says you have hindered prayers if you're not honoring your wife. If you're not willing to take stripes for your wife, then get up off your knees because I won't hear your prayers. Because you're not loving your wife. Let me give you a couple things you can do specific. Number one, the first thing you do is each day, if you're going to honor your wife, you're going to pamper her, do something special for your wife or say something special.

It doesn't have to cost money, but expect nothing in return. She's making up the bed. Go to the other side of the bed and say, honey, let me help you. And then after she gets up off the floor, she goes to wash dishes. Honey, let me put them in the dryer.

Let me dry it. Every day, do something or say something special. You don't know how much it affects your wife when you say to her on the way out the door, honey, you sure look beautiful today. Each day, say or do something special. Expect nothing in return. Many of you say, baby, you look wonderful. And she says, get out of my life.

Pick your feelings up off the floor and keep on trucking. Secondly, make sure you include the unexpected. Stop being so boring. She kind of can predict what you're going to say or what you're going to do before you do it.

I mean, remember when you were dating? What are we going to do tonight? Surprise! You know, you were creative. Be creative. The Bible says that the Lord's mercies are new every day. Never know what's coming.

And that's why you want to get in the habit of thinking and planning and being creative. It doesn't have to cost any money. A little special love note. Ideally, once a week, but certainly twice a month.

Date her. Twice a month, say, this is our night. We're going to get somebody for the kids or whatever we have to do. I'm going to take you out, whether it's dinner, whether it's for a walk even. But we're going to go out.

I can't wait to be with you. I want to be with the kids and that's nice, but there's nothing like being with you. Because the husband and wife relationship takes precedence over the parent-child relationship. You're preparing the children to leave.

Quick. You still got to live with your wife, okay? So, what I'm saying to you today is please, please, couple times a month, next is give her time from the kids and you.

See, the men can get away from the kids a lot easier than the ladies can. Give her time away. Honey, let me keep the kids tonight. You just go and do something for you. Because what that says is that you're important and I really want you to unwind.

I care about the fact that you have the burden of the children and most women do. Love her with your words. Love her with your words. And don't wait till 10 at night when, you know, you want something.

Call in the middle of the day and simply say to her, just thought I called because you've been on my mind. I've heard your voice and that's all I need. Goodbye. That's all you need to do. Love her with your words. Okay.

Famous song was out. It simply said, love her in a hundred ways. Love her in a hundred ways. She'll change. It may not be tomorrow, but remember you're not Eros. You're not Filet-O. You're Agape. You're going to love her expecting nothing in return.

So whenever you get something, it'll be God's reward. Dr. Tony Evans, with advice for men on showing the right kind of love to their wives. As he wraps up this final message from his current series, Marriage Matters. Remember, if you contact us today and make a contribution to help us keep Tony's teaching on this station, we'll send you all 14 messages in this two-volume collection, along with the three-booklet bundle I mentioned earlier that includes For Married Men Only, For Married Women Only, and the companion work that ties them together, Marriage Matters. Visit us right away at tonyevans.org or give us a call at 1-800-800-3222. Our resource center is open 24-7, so call anytime today, day or night.

That's 1-800-800-3222. Dr. Evans believes there's a desperate need to reclaim civility in our culture, and he encourages each of us to find ways we can demonstrate kindness to our friends, our neighbors, coworkers, and especially anyone we meet in the course of our day. Your act of kindness can alter the atmosphere of our culture for good and for God. And along those lines, you know, prejudice takes practice. Dr. Evans says most of us have been getting plenty of it since we were kids. Unlearning prejudice isn't easy, but tomorrow he'll share how we can do just that as he begins a series of messages in tribute to Black History Month called Faith, Hope, Unity. Be sure to join us. The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by The Urban Alternative and is made possible by the generous contributions of listeners like you.