Intentional Parenting - Belief, Affection, and Encouragement, Part 2

Are you deeply concerned about one of your children or grandchildren? Do you see the hardening of their heart? Do you see them drifting away from their relationship with God and some values that you hold dear?

How do you recapture their heart? We want to help you become an effective, intentional parent. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. And as many of you know, Chip's our regular Bible teacher, but for the next handful of programs, he's invited author, pastor, and friend, Doug Fields, to speak. In just a minute, Doug will continue his message, Intentional Parenting, 10 Ways to Be an Exceptional Parent in a Quick Fix World. Last time, he unpacked how influential moms and dads are on their kids. Today, Doug stresses the importance of affection and encouragement in building a healthy home.

If you're ready, let's join Doug now as he picks up with the second half of his talk. All kids need what I call ongoing affection. I added the modifier ongoing for those of us guys in here, because guys are real simple. And if I had to say, your kids need affection, I can just see my buddies going on and go, hey, son. Okay, check. What else?

I'm going to get through the other nine real quick, okay? Because, you know, oftentimes, men are accused of being the emotional equivalent of a brick. And ladies, stereotypically and statistically, you are much more affectionate with your kids than men are. That's why never in the recorded history of the world has a kid ever been hurt in the front yard and ran in the house and yelled for dad, okay? When kids are hurt, they run in.

Who do they ask for? Mom. Why? Because dads don't care, okay?

As much. I mean, my dad's line was shake it off. I'd run in crying. He's like, shake it off, Doug. Shake it off. I want to, but my bone is sticking out. I'm afraid if I shake it off, you're going to be fine. Go get me some ice cream.

Get out of the way of the TV. You know, that's guys. I can remember as a child being sick in the middle of the night, having to go to the bathroom to throw up or something like that, and it felt like before the toilet lid even went up, man, boom, mom was there, right? With a washcloth, scratching my back, whispering in my ear, being real gentle and comforting, analyzing what it was that made me sick. And I used to think to myself, where's my dad? And I never knew until I became a dad that he was tired. Men, affection, affection is something emotionally healthy kids have in common, and it's not just a male issue. Ladies, affection is something emotionally healthy kids have in common, and healthy kids have been given a lot of affection.

From the time that we were born, social scientists refer to this as skin hunger, and what that means is that we need a touch. We need affection, and that affection must be fed consistently and appropriately. Because if it is not fed consistently and appropriately, what's going to happen is we're going to settle for inappropriate affection and actually become emotionally distant from our parents. So guys, if you can't figure out how to give, express your emotion properly, let me just tell you, your kids are going to suffer. An unaffectionate father, and this isn't Doug's opinion, this is research. An unaffectionate father will produce boys who don't know how to express themselves emotionally, or girls who will express themselves sexually. Most promiscuous teenager girls have emotionally, not all, everybody, I'm not saying this 100% of the time, but most have emotionally absent dads, or physically absent dads. That the dad might actually be there, but there's no affection lights cooking anywhere. And I understand, I understand there's hurdles to this. I've talked to enough parents over the years, and I can hear what some of you are thinking, Doug, affection wasn't modeled to me as I was growing up. Or, you know, I'm just not a touchy feely type person, it's not my personality, or I've had bad experiences with misguided affection to me.

Here's my response. I am so sorry. I am so sorry there are hurdles in your life. But as a parent, you have to face your hurdles, you have to identify them, and you've got to figure out a way to get over them, because if not, you're going to wound your kids.

It may require some counseling, it may require some intervention into your life, but something may need to change, or your kids are going to suffer because of that. I didn't get a lot of affection. I grew up in the era where my parents were not really affectionate with me.

So I had to rewrite the script. I had to write a new script that when I became a parent, I was going to be a hugger on steroids. And that's what I am and have been with my kids. I'm hugging, I'm holding, I'm wrestling, I'm cuddling, I'm goosing, you know, I'm doing whatever I need to so they sense that affection. Parents, you've got to pour it on, you've got to pour it on.

Those of you with pre-teens or teenagers, and some of you don't have it yet, it's coming your way. Those of you with little kids, your kids want to hug you. They run in the house and like, hahaha, you know, they want to hug you. They hit a certain age, they don't run in the house, they walk in the house with a little bit of attitude, and they don't come running after you to hug. They see you and they roll their eyes and walk the other way.

And that's when you need to pour it on. You need to get close to them. You need to be affectionate with them. And here's what they're going to say, you're weird and embarrassing to me. Which is the most ironic statement in the world, that you're weird and embarrassing, because you want to say, really? I'm weird and embarrassing?

And you wear a Justin Bieber backpack to school, and posted 75 selfies of yourself, but I'm weird and embarrassing? See, that stage of life is when they need it the most. But here's what parents do, they become passive aggressive and they go, well, my kid doesn't want to hug me, so I'm not going to hug them. If that's you, you need to grow up.

You need to be the parent, alright? They need that affection, because if you push those connections away, you're going to push them away. And again, kids that don't get appropriate affection will seek it out in inappropriate ways.

And our culture has a lot of opportunities for them. I love this passage in the book of Romans, it's just so clear and concise. Romans 12, 10, love each other with what? Genuine affection.

That would change everything. And take delight in honoring each other. Parents, practice this this week. Pour it on.

Go home and give it a try. Put your arms around your kids, sit next to them, wrap your leg around, do whatever you're doing. If you struggle with this, trip and fall on them. Start somewhere, okay?

So that they get some of that affection. In all of the stuff that I'm going to talk about, start somewhere that something is better than nothing. Does that make sense? Alright, the third thing all kids need from caring adults, is they need encouraging words. If your child is breathing, he or she needs encouragement. Encouragement is one of the deepest cravings of our soul. And I have never met anybody in my entire life who's like, stop it. Really, I can't take any more encouragement. I just get, I get, I'm going to explode. That's not encouragement. No, nobody, nobody does that. Encouragement is like food for our soul, and the people around you are starving.

They, they need that fuel. And by the way, those of you that are older, your kids have not outgrown this. Okay, I'm just letting you know. They might not live with you anymore. They might not even be in the same state as you, but they haven't outgrown it. It's two years ago this month that my mom passed away. As she was dying in hospice, we had about a three-week season where we were together every single day. I knew she was dying.

It was just a matter of which, which day. I'm in my fifties, and you know what I wanted my mom to say? I love you, Doug. I'm proud of you, Doug. It's been a pleasure to be your mom, Doug.

It's been the best, Doug. I'm so sorry I passed on that receding hairline. You know, I wanted her to say that your kids do not outgrow it. Words are powerful, and when they're pointed and positive, we remember them. We also remember words that are sharp and scarring. Take a look at what it says in Proverbs 12, verse 18. Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword.

What a word picture that is. But the speech of the wise is a healing balm. Hey, we all know that to be true, right? Some of you carry emotional scars with you that your parents said things to you that you have never forgotten. I mean, we have physical scars that show on our body that don't disappear. Some of us have emotional scars because of the words that were used. Words are powerful. I mean, whoever made up the fables, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never, what, hurt me?

That person's an idiot, okay? It's just not true. I'd rather be hit with a stick, all right, because words hurt. I actually, doing some research for a book I'm writing, was, read something that says, in a medical study, explaining that our brain processes emotional pain and physical pain in much the same way.

Physical pain and emotional pain. So that's meaning this, that words can actually literally hurt one's body because our brain perceives such little difference. So, yes, physical hurt leaves scars, but so do words as well. And in addition to wounding, here's what words do. Words have the ability to shape a kid's life for the positive or the negative. And some of you parents, when you're introducing your child or talking about your kid, you add modifiers, and you don't think they're negative modifiers.

You think they're descriptive modifiers, but they're actually negative modifiers. I see it standing at the door. Doug, this is my daughter Jill. She's shy. As Jill cowers behind mom's legs because Jill has been introduced a million times that way, and Jill has become what her mom has prophesied her to become.

Are you tracking with me? Or this is my son Carlos. He's a wild child. As Carlos lets out an evil laugh and lights a palm tree on fire, okay? Words are powerful, and they can either build confidence or they can destroy hope.

And parents, you get to decide which. So let's go really, really practical. Let me help you be more encouraging.

How do you do this? Well, one, when you see it, say it. Say it positive. When you see something positive, say it. Catch them doing things right instead of always catching them doing things wrong. I'm not saying you never say what they're doing wrong. I'm just saying if you were to put a microphone in the average house, all you hear is, would you put the backpack by the back door? I tell you that every single... Get the cleats off the pool table.

How many times do I tell you, get the cat out of the microwave? You know, we're always on kids about stuff. Now, by show of hands, how many of you would rather be around people who like you than criticize you? Let me see. Let me just curious.

Yeah. Well, why would your kids be any different? If you're constantly on their case about stuff, you're conditioning them to avoid you.

They want to be around people who actually like them. So what if you switch things around? Yes, instruct them in what they need to do, but also catch them doing things right. Buddy, you put the toilet seat down. That is so great.

Here's some licorice in a Mountain Dew. You know, let's throw a party. You know, catch them doing things right. Here's what I'm getting at. I want you to imagine your kid with a tattoo on their forehead, okay?

Now, for some of you, it's not too hard to imagine because it's just going to happen in a few years. But the tattoo says this. Encourage me, Mom. Encourage me, Dad.

So when you see them in the morning, that's what you... I'm so glad you're breathing. You dressed yourself. I love it. You're alive. That is great.

Your nose ring matches your blouse. Whoo. Whatever it is, just give them some encouragement. And parents, here's the key. Don't expect it back, okay?

Don't expect it back, and you won't be disappointed. But when you encourage them, especially in the preteen teen years, they're not going to encourage you back, all right? They don't have the emotional vocabulary to affirm you. So what parents do, again, they go passive aggressive. Well, he's not saying anything nice to me.

I'm not going to say anything nice to you. Again, grow up. Be the parent, all right? Let me come to you from the future. Okay, I told you, my kids, 25, 22, 19, they begin to get it.

I mean, it's just they get a little bit later. They're all of a sudden discovering how awesome I am, you know? And they're using words to describe it. It will come to you, okay? Just don't expect it right now. And let me go a little advanced with you, and some of you may not be ready for this, but others, you're ready for this. This is like advanced encouragement. You got to learn to encourage kids beyond their performance. You have to go deeper than just their performance.

Now, track with me for a minute. A lot of language directed at kids is either shame-oriented or performance-oriented. And some of you grew up in that environment. You did something wrong. You got the look of shame on you. You did something right.

You got the little pat on the head, way to go. Shame on you and proud of you. Shame on you and proud of you. You're just kind of like, I don't even, shame on you, proud of you.

And so then you try to live for the more I'm proud of you. So you grew up now all of a sudden trying to earn your parents' praise. That's why you're surrounded by tons of adults who are classic people-pleasers. Because they grew up in a shame-on-you and proud-of-you environment.

Let's face it. Your kids are going to fail, okay? And when they fail, you don't want to shame them.

But it's not smart to say, I'm proud of you for failing. So you've got to look for encouragement opportunities that is not based solely on your performance. So when you go to your kid's game and they hit a home run or they strike out, the encouragement is the same. I love watching you play.

I love watching you play. Because here's your life for your kid. There are going to be days when she hits a home run and there's going to be days when she strikes out.

And she needs to hear from the most significant people in her life. I love you and I believe in you. I mean, talk about building confidence in a kid. When you encourage, think about those five C's that I gave you at the beginning. When you encourage, encourage toward those five C's. You might even say something like, I'm amazed at how patient you are with your little brother.

What is that? That's character. You know, I noticed that mom didn't want to get up from the couch and you got the remote for her. I love seeing you serve other people. That's compassion. I was really proud of the way that you stood up for your convictions.

Hey buddy, I was looking at your report card the other day and it is so obvious that you're not cheating. And you know, it's just really good. Words are powerful. The Bible says in Proverbs 12 verse 6, the words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush.

I love this. But the words of the godly save lives. The reason we have a difficult time using good words for people is because those good words originate in one's heart. Good words actually come from a good heart. That's what Jesus said in Matthew 12 35. Jesus said, a good person produces good words from what? A good heart. And an evil person produces evil words from an evil heart.

Careless words are careful words. Jesus says they are birthed within our heart. That's why everything in all relationships goes back to the heart.

I'll tell you my story. When Jesus really transformed my heart, my parenting changed. Because if I'm really honest with you, as a parent I wasn't ready to face the ugliness of my selfishness. I thought that when I got married that I was dealing with my selfishness. But marriage is nothing compared to the selfishness that I feel of parenting. Because as a parent you're always on.

I mean kids don't leave you alone. And honestly my heart was not strong enough to love my kids the way they needed to be loved. So I had to ask Jesus, I had to beg Jesus to change my heart.

And when he changed my heart my parenting changed. And here's the deal, there's no technique. There's no plan.

There's no relationship strategy that really matters at all. If you miss how God views us. None of this works if you don't understand how God sees us. In Ephesians 5-1 it says, follow God's example therefore, read it with us with me. As dearly loved children.

As dearly loved children. It doesn't say follow God's examples as the one God tolerates. Follow God's examples as the ones God is mostly disappointed with.

No it says follow God's examples as dearly loved children. See I think what I have for you is really helpful. I'm really excited to help many of you parents. I think it's practical and helpful. But if you miss this core truth, none of it really matters.

See the best help is going to come up short. Because what happens is you wind up parenting from a wounded heart. You wind up parenting from a broken heart.

You wind up parenting from a wrong identity. But when people know that they are dearly loved. They're capable of loving dearly. When you know that you are dearly loved as God's child. You are capable of dearly loving. And that's our dream for this community of people that we call a church.

That we would go through life knowing that we are dearly loved. I have the total audacity to believe that your parenting can be helped. Your children can be changed. And they can make a difference in this world.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Doug Fields has been our guest teacher for this program, Belief, Affection and Encouragement, which is from his series Intentional Parenting. He and Chip will join us in just a minute to share their application for this message. Well like a well constructed building, good parenting requires hard work and a well thought out plan. In this series, Doug shares 10 ways moms and dads can better engage their kids in areas where parents have traditionally struggled. Learn more about a parent's sacred responsibility to care for, love, and direct their sons and daughters. For more information about this series or our resources, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org. Well Chip's joined me in studio now and Chip, over the years this ministry has made supporting families and marriages a priority. So take a minute if you would and talk about the tool we've developed with Doug called Intentional Parenting Cards and how they'll deeply encourage moms and dads listening. Well Dave, I got to tell you, I am super excited about these cards because I just know as a parent, you know, I did a lot of research and I tried to work really hard to be intentional, but I always didn't know like intentional about what. And what these cards do is they provide a simple way to stay on track as a parent. In other words, it talks about how do you develop strong belief or be a role model or make sure that encouraging words are a part of your family life or genuine affection. There's just like four or five cards and you review a section of them, you know, just every day for like a week or so and then pretty soon you find yourself, hey, I'm building into my kids their belief or delicate discipline or active responsibility or I love one, serious fun. And what they are, they're ten different areas and they have very pithy, clear, specific ways to be an intentional parent where over time as you just review these, instead of trying hard one day or taking some course, you are renewing your mind and focusing your life each and every week around one area that here's what I'll tell you.

When you are genuinely affectionate, when you provide encouraging words, when you discipline delicately, when you build strong beliefs, what happens is over time you're an intentional parent with children who respond in very positive ways. These intentional parenting cards are a tool that allows us in a fast-paced world to do as parents what we want to do and build into the lives of our kids the way we want to do it. I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice.

Thanks, Chip. Well, to order our intentional parenting cards, go to livingontheedge.org. And right now when you buy this resource, we'll also give you a set of our Discuss This cards absolutely free. These tools will help you better engage your kids and build meaningful relationships with them. So to get your hands on our intentional parenting and Discuss This cards, visit livingonttheedge.org or call 888-333-6003.

Atlas Nurse taps special offers. Now with some application for this message, here's Chip and our guest teacher, Doug Feels. Doug, thanks so much for your message today. And boy, oh boy, I mean, kids desperately need encouragement.

They crave it like you talked about. There's such power in words. And I'm just kind of visualizing that parent after hearing this message like I just did and thinking, okay, now could you just give me a couple tips just for today about how to catch my kids doing things right? It's sort of a foreign concept, and right now it's pretty easy to use words when you catch them doing things wrong. So give us a little help, will you, Doug?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to share some ideas. Let's first address the fact that some parents listening to this, they just don't speak encouragement very well. It's like a foreign language.

It either wasn't modeled to them or it hasn't been enough of a priority. When that's the dominant language in the home, criticism over compliments, it can create shame in a child and it creates a distance between the parent and the child. Think about it, parents. You don't like to hear criticism. You don't want to be around negative people. So in some ways, you're actually training your child to not want to be around you when you're critical. So let's develop that encouragement muscle and add it to our daily arsenals.

And here's the truth. We could be negative and critical all day long. As a parent, there's always something to be displeased with that your kids are doing. But again, who wants to be around critical people?

Not you and not your kid. Imagine that your home was being recorded and everything you said to your child was then transcribed and broken into two categories. Category one, positive words of encouragement, and category two, negative words of disappointment or criticism.

What category would be the longest in your home? I mean, if the answer is that there's more words of criticism, then you got to change that quickly. Obviously, you're going to need to use words as a parent to coach your child and guide them and redirect them, and those words may not be real positive, but make sure you use twice as much encouragement as you do negative words. And to do that, you're going to have to be intentionally looking to catch your child doing something right.

Here's the deal, parents. There is power in your words, and your words matter. So true, Doug. Thanks. Well, before we go, let me take just a second and thank the generous people who make monthly donations to support the ministry of Living on the Edge. Your faithful gifts help us inspire Christians to live like Christians. Now, if you haven't partnered with us, would you prayerfully consider joining the Living on the Edge team? You can set up a recurring donation by going to LivingOnTheEdge.org or texting DONATE to 74141. It's that easy. Text the word DONATE to 74141 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners, tap DONATE. Well, I'm glad you've been with us. Until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.