When people learn that Teresa came from an alcoholic home, and I came from an alcoholic home, and that we actually are a blended family, and that we've been married and are very happy after 40 years, they often ask us, hey, what's the key? How have you guys made it?
That's today. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drouy, and we're in the middle of our newest series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 3. Now in this program, Chip will pick up where he left off last time, unpacking the second challenge every great marriage faces, temptation. Today he'll talk more about God's model for love and relationships, and how it's the exact opposite of what the world says is important. But he begins by explaining how he and his wife Teresa withstood the difficult seasons in their marriage and developed a deeper connection to one another and to God. With that, here's Chip with the second half of his talk.
Here's the good news. When we got into marriage counseling, and we got to get some things on the table with some objective, and we got a handful of tools, it was like, oh, you mean everyone has this? You mean if you've ever been divorced and a person's been hurt like this, then she's always going to have, oh, yeah.
And your dad was an alcoholic, too. Oh, yeah. So this is how you miss one another, and this is how you do it? I mean, we started on a few tools that, you know, we had a little thing called a conference where we learned how to communicate, and then we learned how to resolve anger. And I mean, it wasn't like years and years and years. It was like in a few months, it was like, oh, wow. I mean, I just thought we were hopeless. I felt so bad and so angry inside.
And, you know, when you're in seminary preparing to be a pastor, this is not a good time to have major marriage problems. But that's where we were. But it was like, oh. So what I want you all to know, it is not rocket science. It is not that complicated, and it isn't that hard.
But it is if you don't know what to do, and it is if you don't know how to do it. And so he says, command number one, be an imitator of God, and then put in parentheses in your notes, as beloved children. As beloved children. So what I tried to do was love my wife, and what I see people do is try to love your mate out of your energy.
And you can't do it. It says imitate God, be kind, be tenderhearted, the hardest part, be forgiving, just as God has forgiven you. So imitate God in that way how? As someone that God has filled up with his love, that you realize how forgiven you are. You experience how kind God has been to you. You realize that despite what you've done and what you've said and what you've thought and what you've logged on to and how you've lied and stuff that you've done, that he, because of Christ's great love, has forgiven you, and you're valued. And so because you receive that, then you have the power to give it. The Spirit lives in you if you're a follower of Christ. He'll speak to you. And that's why he doesn't want us to get distracted. And so he says to us, okay, be imitators of God, but as a dearly loved child. In other words, you don't need your mate's approval for your life to be okay.
Needing someone else's approval or the relationship to be okay for you to be okay is called co-dependent. When you can get to, I can give love to my mate whether they respond or not because I'm doing it first and foremost as an act of my will to honor you, you're free. Because the game we play is, well, if, I guess, you know, early on, if I do the carpets and take out the trash, how come you're not more affectionate? This isn't working. Because my real goal wasn't to love her. My goal was to get what I wanted and it was like a transaction. Well, if I do A, B, and C, will you give me A, B, and C? That didn't work. It wasn't until, God, I want, by your grace, to love my wife the way you love her.
I'm a miserable failure and I can't do it. But would you give me what I need to give her what you're telling me as a man, what she needs, and I don't really like praying this but I know it's the only way to go, whether she responds or not. And I'm, until the day I die, I'm going to do what you call me to do. And there's something really weird, at least in a woman's heart, I'm assuming it's the same as a man's heart is, somehow we know when the other person is playing us a little bit. I remember counseling one couple and the wife, we were, I sat down with both of them, and she looked at me and she said, well, yeah, you know, we met, he's doing all the right stuff.
He does this, he does this, he does this, he does this, and you know what, it doesn't mean anything because his heart's not in it. And then the second command is walk in love. The word actually is walk. How many of you have small kids, like two and under? How many of you can remember what it was like when you had small kids that were learning to walk? Do you remember, like, I mean, you did videos, right, and it was like you got down on one knee, come, come on, come on, come on, and then, you know, either the husband or the wife, you hold their little hands like this, and then they go, bam, right? Do you remember that? And you remember what you did, right? Remember what you did? You got right over the top of that child and said, get up!
What's wrong with you? You wimp! Is that what you remember? Or did you, or it was like you sent it to everyone.
Two steps this week, three and a half next week, right? And then they do the little thing, they go all the way from the kitchen into the, and then you just lit up. Could I tell you something? Where do you think you get that? That's how your Heavenly Father thinks about you. You think God's arms are crossed and toe is tapping and get with the program and yes, sir, to God.
He's not like that. Coming to me, all you who labor and heavy laden, the idea is you're overwhelmed, you're pressed in from every direction. You can't make it anymore. You're struggling. You're stressed out.
You don't know where to go. And I will give you rest. This life's too hard. Take my yoke. It's not a yoke of restriction.
It's, you know something? It's so much easier. My commandments, John would tell us, are not grievous.
They're not overwhelming. You get in this side of the yoke. I'll get in this side of the yoke. And it's kind of like you and Michael Jordan scoring 50 points.
You make one free throw and he gets 49. And Jesus says, I'm here and in your weakness, I'll make you strong. Just do life with me. Come to me. Share your hurts. Be honest.
Don't, you'll never measure up. That's why I died. That's why I came. That's why I sealed you with my spirit. So let me help you. I love you.
I meet so many Christians, especially some out of, you know, kind of our background. I think you intellectually believe that God loves you, but I'm not sure you believe he liked you. He's just someone really hard to please.
That if you don't do this, this, this, this and this, and you lose sight of relationship. And he says, this is what has to happen. Be an imitator of God because you're already loved and then walk in love. Well, how did Christ love you? Sacrificially. He gave up himself for us. And he did it as an offering. This is motive.
His motive was he loved us, but it was an offering father. I am allowing these people to put this into my head. I'm allowing these people to strip me naked in humiliation. I'm allowing these people to drive these things through my wrist in my obedience to you who in the Godhead, who for the joy set before him endured the cross despising the shame because he loves you. That's the God who wants to help you in your marriage. That's the God who says, don't worry about her.
Don't worry about him. Let me love you. Why don't we go on a journey and you just say whatever you want to change. I'm sick and tired of me.
That's actually a pretty good place to be. You ever just try hard, try hard, try hard, try hard, right? No matter what you do, it's not working. I think there's times where if the Holy Spirit was in, he'd just be leaning going, oh, good. Now I think we can get some work done.
It's when we come to the end of ourself. I can't change him. I can't change her. I can't be disciplined enough. I've tried to break this addiction.
I can't do it. And that's the first step. And then there's also, do you understand that in the New Testament that all the commands, I think, I think there might be one I could find. All the commands are in what's called the second person plural. So if you were anybody from Texas, what do we say there?
I lived there 12 years. You all, right? Hey, you all? What's that mean?
That means if you walk into your room, you say, hey, you want to come with me? But two of you, you all want to come with me? Every command in the New Testament is you all love one another. You all honor one another.
You all, you know what that means? You can't do it alone. It's impossible to live the Christian life. It's impossible to obey God. You have the spirit of God. When you turn to the empty hands of faith and said, I fall short. That's just what sin is. I trespassed.
I crossed the line. I dissed the God of the universe and I admit that and I turn away from my dependence on me, repent, change of mind and in the empty hands of faith say, Lord Jesus, will you forgive me? I believe, I trust in is the idea that when you are hanging on the cross, you covered or you atoned and paid for all my sin and in this moment when I receive you, he who has the son has life and in that moment, the spirit of God came into your physical body and seals you and the scripture says you were pulled out of the kingdom of darkness and you were placed in the kingdom of light and the same power that raised Christ from the dead now dwells inside of you and so then he says the raw material that the Holy Spirit uses, he takes the written word and makes it the living word. He'll speak to you and the community, a body, this hand is not worth much if there's not the arm, right, that's connected to it and basically the whole point is we need each other and so as dearly loved ones, the motive is to offer it to God and this is, I love it, it's a picture of the Old Testament of fragrant aroma. It was a free will offering and so let me take this passage and put it in the reversal of Hollywood terms.
You ready? Instead of trying to find the right person, are you ready? Become the right person. In other words, you're going to mimic God. So in my notes, I wrote mimic God, kind, compassionate, tenderhearted, forgiving as a dearly loved one.
That's the basis. I'm going to mimic God. I'm going to go, anybody been on a mission before? Anybody know what a mission is? When you have a mission, you have a clear, definable outcome you're shooting for, correct?
You get together and you have a definable strategy and we say to ourselves, this is where we are, these are the obstacles, there's the enemy, that is the outcome, we are on mission, here's our strategy, this is what we're going to do, here's how we'll execute it, here's when we'll execute it, right? So you go on mission to be an imitator of God to say, okay, I'm going to figure out what it looks like to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving to my mate. Second, then it says walk in love and by the way, it's a commitment not an experience. The walk here is one of giving, sacrifice, not feelings. Walking in love and remember the little baby who fell down?
What did you all do? Oh, so when you're learning to walk in a new way, guess what? You're going to say, oh my gosh, I needed to break that addiction and I did good, did good, did good, fell back into it, covered over with shame and the enemy comes in, you terrible person. No, I fell. Father, will you forgive me?
Yes. He may give you a couple thoughts about where to go and what to do or I blew up in my anger at my mate again or I got hurt and I didn't say anything so I withdrew and I know I can tell he really wants to make love and I'll tell you what, not tonight, my head. Really, really bad headache tonight and really what it is is passive aggressive. I'm going to pay you back because you know what? You hurt my feelings earlier today and you just think you can live away all day, be insensitive, do your own thing and then 930, 10 o'clock comes and you think I'm ready or feel cherished and want to make love with you, my head really hurts.
I mean, we play these games. I'm just saying we don't have to and it's a journey and so then you fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship. Even Christ's sacrifice wasn't to please himself.
It was to offer it to God and if failure occurs, repeat steps one, two and three. I can't tell you how many times, I mean, even right now, Teresa and I, we're going through a book together. We went through so many books. We learned we have had to work so hard because we have so much baggage. Now, we're great and we're connected and we have a great relationship but you know what?
Are we doing this or are we doing this? And so there's different seasons where whatever you were doing, it's like we kind of need to, for those of you that had small kids, remember when you could put a star on the refrigerator and they would jump off the roof for you? Oh yeah, I'll eat my spinach, star.
And then like three weeks later, heck, I don't want a star. And it's the same in your marriage. You did this, did this and spiritually it brought him and he did this and then you step back and you go, you know, we need something fresh. Our calendar, our schedule, little by little, it seems like your default pattern is like, I got 12 grandkids.
That's a full-time job for a woman if she lets it be. And our ministry keeps growing and we're doing a lot of stuff internationally and I can just keep and it was like, okay, let's step back. Okay, now what in this season, what do we need to do? What's our time look like? What's our relationship look like? What do you need from me?
What do I need from you? And the success rate of couples that attend church regularly, pray together regularly and personally have a regular devotional life, the divorce rate is in the single digits, like six or seven percent. There's a big difference between lust where you have sex and that can happen even in marriage and love.
Maturity is what would help my mate feel cherished and love and all that's inside of me that I care about, that I want her or him to feel. And there's this union, but the union isn't just physical, it's a union that is taking the spiritual and the emotional and the connection that you have and it brings you together. And by the way, it's a really important part of your relationship. I want to give you a pictorial example and I want to show you God's model and then I'm going to show you something else.
Do you see the equilateral triangle? Here's how God says to build a relationship. Imagine your relationship with this triangle. At the very bottom is spiritual connection with God and with each other. And so I will just tell you, I mean, most men feel like their wives are far closer to God than we are and we're comfortable more hitting things and running and activity and they have this relational spiritual side and so sometimes you just start by holding hands and praying silently. If you can go to the next level and pray out loud together. I've done this with pastors and it's like, when my husband does that, I feel protected. And if you can, you know, read a psalm together or that doesn't work, Teresa and I are very independent and so we each meet with God and then we grab a cup of coffee two or three times a week and I'll just open it with, hey, what are you learning right now?
What's God showing you? And she'll share and I'll share. When we first started, we thought it would be really holy we would have devotions together.
And she hated it and I hated it. Now, I have a friend who's one of the most godly guy I think I know. He and his wife do that. Every morning we read a psalm, we read a proverb, we pray for all of our children together.
I'm just thinking, I wish that worked for us but it doesn't. So what you need to do is, how do you stay spiritually connected? Second is then socially. If we were singles here, I would say find a man or a woman that really walks with God and then socially find out about their parents and their friends because that will tell you who they are. But socially here is, you want to have friends, you need a group of people that support you in your journey to be the kind of couple that God wants you to be.
It doesn't take but a friend or two in your life or a friend or two in your mate's life that really has really values that take you in different places. I have one friend that felt so compelled to be in but when he got with these two or three guys, he always, you know, instead of one glass of wine, man, it was always way more and it was just conflict. I said, dude, do you love your wife or do you want these guys to think, he says, well, I really love my wife, well then stop hanging out with them for six months. Oh, yeah, but they'll think this.
Well, she's thinking this now. You tell me, what do you want? I want a great marriage. Okay.
I mean, I want to hang out with unbelievers and they can have all kind of lifestyles but if their lifestyle is changing me more than I'm changing them, then cut it. You got to be around people. You need another couple and some friends that are cheering you on toward this is the kind of men and women we want to be and then psychologically sharing things of importance and of substance and then emotionally, you know, these things all build and then pretty soon when you do these kind of things psychologically, you got to have fun together. You got to spend time together. You have to talk together.
You read and then you share and then when those things are in place, it's really pretty amazing. It really changes the physical relationship. What happens is when your relationship is built on the physical, well, actually Hollywood's model, it basically just takes God's model and flips it upside down.
You watch any movie, right? You see one another sexually, they hook up and then if there's an emotional connection, maybe see each other two or three more times. If not, they stop. If there's an emotional connection and you kind of like the person, then you hang out with one another for a while and then if it's like, wow, this might be something serious, then you hang with their friends and your friends. If it gets real serious, then you go home and meet mom and dad or family and then how many times I've had people knock on my, excuse me, yeah, you know, we've kind of done this. They don't say it like this, but I just know what they've done and we, there's something in us that says we want to make this permanent. You think you could marry us?
Why? If living together is okay, why is it after a period of time people feel like we want to make this? There's something spiritual about a relationship between a man and a woman and even the most secular people in the world understand that. And so the question is which model, consciously or unconsciously, are you following? At the bottom I put Romans 12 to because this is where the rubber meets the road. Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, Hollywood's model, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Positive. Good. Good things into your mind and your thinking. Then you'll be able to test and approve what God's will is.
Good, pleasing and acceptable. I know it is a tremendous challenge. I know there's probably way more pain than I could ever do in a dream and a lot more health than I probably know about, but I will tell you there's no such thing as falling out of love. There is growing apart when you don't deal with the big issues in your heart and your life and you don't spend the kind of time together. Your physical relationship can't sustain the depth of your relationship.
It's got to be all of the above. God's wisdom is simply, if you, those of you with engineering background, engineers design things. They design computers, cars, artillery, and there's a way that an engineer, once they design them, that they operate. God's wisdom is nothing more or nothing less than understanding that that comes from the creator God and he has designed a way for life to work and he wants your best and so he outlined this is how marriage works. This is how parenting works. This is how money works. This is how conflict resolution works.
This is how getting a hold of your speech works. And one of the things if you've done nothing else and especially for guys because it's so practical, you know, read through the book of Proverbs with a green pen and anytime anything says about money, underline it and just think, oh, so this is the wisdom about money or go through it and underline anytime it talks about relationships or sex and you go, oh, well, I mean, it's all through it or resolving conflict and what you'll see is God wants you to be successful, but the world that you live in is categorically designed to destroy your relationship with God, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your mate and your relationship with other people and it all revolves around me first and it brings about destruction and you're just too valuable and too loved for that. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, challenge number two, temptation, from his series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three. It's been said that marriage is like a journey and while every relationship has its ups and downs, there seem to be particular struggles that affect every couple. In this series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three, Chip addresses the four challenges every great marriage has in common. He exposes how busyness, temptation, kids and stagnation can ruin relationships. Discover from God's Word how you and your mate can handle these trials together and become a stronger couple, more effective parents and create a happier home.
Now, if you missed any part of this series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three, or want to learn more about our helpful resources, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to get plugged in. I'll be back with some application to today's teaching, but if you're listening to this program and you or someone you know is being blessed, I mean, God is using it in your life, I'd like to ask you to really pray about partnering with Living on the Edge. Your financial investment allows us to equip Christians here in the United States, all across the world, to really live like Christians. Because of your donations, we create materials, we get God's Word to leaders and we take the Bible to the people in ways that help them grow and transform their families and communities.
So here's my request. Would you help us reach the hurting people in the U.S. and around the world? Help us to be a catalyst for change so that Christians everywhere can live more like Christians. It makes a huge difference, and thanks in advance for whatever God leads you to do.
Thanks, Chip. Well, as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry, I want to remind you that every gift is significant. When you partner with Living on the Edge, you multiply our efforts and resources in ways that only God can do. To send a gift, call us at 888-333-6008. Or, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org. That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org.
App listeners tap donate. Now with some final thoughts, here's Chip. As we wrap up today's message, I've been talking about Hollywood's formula for a successful marriage, which most of us have bought into.
And yes, we all have some euphoric feelings now and then, but the grind of a real life with kids and work and the challenges that go with a marriage that's deep, it's not all about the emotions and the feelings. And so there's a model that God lays out for us, and there's one that the world lays out for us, and they're diametrically opposed. And if you do nothing else, here's your application. I wrote a book out of my journey with Teresa, and it's called Marriage That Works. And after studying the Bible for a lot of years, needing to go to counseling, counseling hundreds of couples over decades, I wanted to put something in people's hands that weren't just techniques or psychology. But what does the Bible say a man is to be and to do? In other words, what's your role and responsibility? What is a woman to be and to do?
What's her role and responsibility? And then I took all the tools that we learned and share some of the stories with regard to marriage and parenting in a really practical way. And if that would be helpful for you, Dave will let you know how to get it. And the other thing is he'll talk about a small group series that we've put together that if you realize that you need to put some focus on your marriage, I can think of few that will help you more than experiencing God's dream for your marriage. We love you. We want you to experience God's best. And when your marriage reflects the kind of marriage God wants, I'm telling you, it's a tremendous testimony to your unbelieving friends. Thanks, Chip. Well, to find the resources Chip just mentioned, go to SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or on the Chip Ingram app. There you'll see the small group materials for experiencing God's dream for your marriage and Chip's book, Marriage That Works. Both of these resources will make a significant difference in your relationship, whether you're a newlywed or have been married for years. So go down to Special Offers and order the small group series or the book and get ready to enjoy your relationship the way God intended. Until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
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