Keeping Love Alive - Volume 3 - Challenge #2 - Temptation, Part 1

It seems like every day we hear about another relationship or marriage that ended because someone fell out of love or lost the spark. So what causes so many couples to break up or call it quits?

And how can you make sure it doesn't happen to you? That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this daily discipleship program, Motivating Christians to Live Like Christians. I'm Dave Perdue, and thanks for joining us as we continue Chip's new series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 3. Now in this program, he unpacks the next challenge every great marriage faces, which revolves around our understanding of love and marriage. Chip will explain why it's so important we get this right and not follow Hollywood's model for intimacy and relationships. Now before we begin, let me encourage you to use Chip's message notes while you listen. They'll help you get the most out of what you're about to hear. Download them under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org.

Tap listeners, tap fill in notes. Well with that, here's Chip with today's talk from Ephesians chapter five. If you'll pull out your notes, challenge number two, all marriages have great challenges, priorities, and when they're out of whack, they sort of tumble other things. The second one is the challenge of temptation, and I'd like to ask a couple questions just to get started.

So here's the first question. What's it mean to be in love? Right? I mean, isn't that the whole goal of why you married the person? I mean, but to really ask an answer, what does it mean to be in love? And how do you know when you're in love? Second question that might be interesting is why is it that most relationships don't last anymore?

I mean, they don't. I mean, I have all kind of research and statistics on separation and divorce and what's happened since 1960 and all the rest. The other thing is that you do understand that the patterns of things, kids that have been abused grow up to be, apart from intervention, abusers. When divorce is an option because that's what your parents did, even though you don't want or see, and by the way, sometimes divorce is unavoidable, right? I married a divorced person, and she was divorced because of the breaking of a covenant, and she was left. So don't hear that there's biblical divorces and unbiblical divorces, but it doesn't matter how it happens. I mean, it is painful. It's painful for the couple, but the longitudinal studies say 20, 30, 40 years, I have a big thick file on this stuff, and a lady who did research to this day, children of divorce always unconsciously have some sense of when will the other shoe might drop.

Concerns about security, deep-seated fears about abandonment because it impacts kids. This idea that it was probably better, it's amiable, we're still friends, all that is whitewashed. Can people make the best of it? Yes. Can they treat each other nicely? But some of the issues that happen in a human heart, some of the things that get imprinted in a child, some of the fears, some of the struggles, some of the wounds, they last, and they need healing. So what I want to do is I want to give you the biggest lies that you are fed by movies, by music, by romance novels, by social media, by self-help, by magazines, and I want to give you Hollywood's prescription for a lasting relationship.

Are you ready? And by the way, most of us, this is, unless you grew up as a very strong Christian, I'll describe this and you'll think, well what other way is there to have a relationship? And so there's four steps to Hollywood. If you listen to music, if you would watch any movie, number one is you have to find the right person. That's why there's websites.

And by the way, again, I'm not saying websites are wrong or bad, but you used to go, like depending on your background, you went to a bar to find a guy or a gal, or maybe some of you grew up different, you went to a church, or you went to school, whether it was college or whether it was military, and basically, if you're going to find the right person, two things. Your antenna's up, you're always looking, man, man, she is super hot, woo, man, that dude, he's a hunk, you know, right? And then you realize that you're not only looking, but someone's looking for you, so you gotta be good bait. And so the way to be good bait is, you know, if you're a guy, it's like, depending on your era, it's like, you know, get that creatine and start pumping that iron, and you know, and you know, and by the way, when you walk in, you always hold your stomach in, and you know, everything's like that, and then there's certain things, how you dress, and what looks cool and what doesn't look cool, and different eras and different things like that, and if you're a woman, you need to be good bait, depending on the era, you know, a little bit low cut here, a little higher up here, a little push up there, and, come on now, true or false?

True, right? And you're looking for, you wanna find the right person. And so in our day, it's things, you might meet them that night, or at a party or at something, and in terms of the Hollywood's prescription is, there seems to be a good connection, you go home together and you sleep together, and you say stuff like, you know, we're just hooking up, there's no relationship, there's no connection, and maybe that's it, and there's a string of hookups, which each time you do that, part of your soul gets left with another person according to scripture, but that's sort of what we're taught, and then, if you know, like there's more to it, like, you know, we've all been attracted to someone, and maybe they're very beautiful, he's very handsome, and then you sit down and talk with him, and as you sit down and talk with him, you know, you're looking for substance now, and you're looking for a real relationship, and, you know, you sit down with this man, this very handsome, good looking, well built guy, and after about 20 minutes of him telling you, I was a captain of the football team, and after I did that, I did this, and I did that, and, I mean, he's just so full of himself, you're going, you know what, the outside looks good, but the inside, ee, you know, just like you want to politely get away, or you're this unbelievable, beautiful, beautiful girl, and you're sitting, and you're trying to get, you know, maybe this is something here, and she does this, and she does this, and she does this, and, you know, it's like there's just mostly space between her ears, and where she shops, and what happens, and all I want you to know is we all hunt, and we all look, but then, there's that person, and then you fall in love, and it's hard to explain, the actual word is not love, it's called infatuation, chemicals actually in your brain, your endorphins fire, you feel this sense of overwhelmed attraction, it's a spark and a chemistry that you can't hardly describe, usually when this happens your IQ drops somewhere between 30 to 40 points, you do very stupid things that don't make sense, that make absolute sense to you, I remember, I played basketball in college, and we recruited a young kid that could really play, 6, 7 kid out of Ohio, and they put him with me, kind of a little bit older, roommate, and, you know, he was a little homesick, and sort of a bit of a hometown guy, and then he met this girl, and I mean, I would say, you gotta get ready for practice, I just don't feel like practicing today, I said dude, you're on a scholarship, we need to get out there and get to practice, and you need to get up and go to class, and it was like, it's like his brain cells, it was just, and I don't know if it was like the first time he ever fell in love or something, but I mean, it was just, he actually ended up dropping out of school, lost his scholarship, there was a young guy when I lived in Santa Cruz, California, he was friends with my older boys at the time, and good looking, big strong guy, you know, and he fell in love with, or so he thought, he met her once, but I mean the chemistry was just, and so he'd talk on the phone like hours and hours, you know, we've all done that at some point, right, you know, and it just goes, like evaporates, and so then he just, he had this urge, so he goes and he buys some flowers, the drive, I've made it from Santa Cruz to Phoenix is about 10 and a half hours if you only stop for gas, it's about 12 and a half or 13 if you stop and grab a bite to eat, or get out and stretch or fill your car up a few times, he gets in his truck, drives all night, knocks on her door, gives her these flowers, and said, I was just thinking about you, misses two days of work, ends up eyelash of losing his job, and I said, Eric, what were you thinking? He goes, I just had to, so if you've ever watched a Hallmark movie, what I love about them is I never know what's going to happen. I'm always on the edge of my seat going, you know, and they're all beautiful people that live in the suburbs in unbelievably nice houses, and then it's almost somewhere between the first two to five minutes, this person, this person, then their eyes meet, and then, and so here's all I want you to get.

You are bombarded by nearly every show, a culture, TV, and if you listen, 80 some percent of all the songs that you hear that are ever made are about what? Love. I can't live without you. Really? I'll die if you leave me.

Here's an old classic, but it's one of the best lies. If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right. Think about that. See, definition of love, high emotion sparks connectivity, infatuation. If it's wrong, like I'm married, then I don't want to be right because my emotions and my feelings dictate my life. So you fall in love, and then the third step is you fix your hopes and dreams on this person for future fulfillment. All life is wrapped up in him or her. You are shattered. When the breakup happens, you lose weight. You lose your appetite. You feel listless because this person, this person is your life.

Because some of you have been through an engagement and someone walks out close to the wedding, it's devastating. And then Hollywood would say, if failure occurs, repeat steps one, two, and three. And the reason I'm sharing this with you is this is embedded in your psyche.

And here's how it works. You have different seasons, and some of them are hard. And you would like your mate to meet all your needs and be loving and kind and romantic and him take out the trash and whatever it is. And then over time, because you're human and your mate is human, you do things that disappoint one another. And you say things in moments that you wish you wouldn't have said, and you damage one another. And pretty soon what happens is there's hurt and there's pain. And depending on your personality type, some of you I call turtles. When you get hurt, your shell goes in and you withdraw.

Some of us are sharks. And when we get hurt, we lash out. And so whether it's an anger explosion or a withdrawal or withholding affection or now we just don't talk, there's all kind of different ways once we're wounded. And then once you're wounded or you're apart for a long time, then there's this hole.

And here's how it starts. I don't feel as connected to my mate. I don't feel in love. Those sparks that we used to have, I'm not feeling that anymore. It seems like it's a grind. It's a hassle. We're arguing about money. We're arguing about the kids.

We're arguing about this. When you come home, you're not sensitive. I had to do all this stuff. Hey, I come home and I've missed you all this time. And you get all that kind of stuff and this starts to happen.

And here's then, here's what your culture has told you. Hollywood says, what's happened is you've fallen out of love. So what do you need to do?

And we put euphemisms. We've just drifted apart. I'm not the same person anymore. We got married when it was this season of our life, but we're now so different. So I need to find someone new. So it goes from a 50% divorce rate to a 75% divorce rate.

And if that doesn't work, find someone new again. In fact, the way you can do it now is don't even worry about getting married, is just live together. And what we know that longitudinal studies, I mean the scripture is clear about all this. People who live together prior to marriage, unless they come to Christ and start working on things, 10 years later, whether they eventually marry or not, only one out of 10 will be together. And the reason people live together is they're not willing to make a commitment.

And the reason they're not willing to make a commitment is partly because of fear and partly because they want an opt-out clause. And so we've now created a world where we have serial monogamous relationships that pretty soon just begin to destroy the connection and the commitment of what love really is. And by the way, God understands how we're wired. We have emotional connection needs. We have physical sexual connection needs. We have spiritual connection needs. And you all live in a world where it's more challenging and at times impossible to fulfill those needs with your mate.

And God would say, my grace will be sufficient for you. And do it my way. In fact, that's the whole point of wisdom. And so you live in a world where, when it gets hard, and there's one thing good about getting older. I'm not ready to say I'm old.

You could say that, but I'm not going to say that. But as you get older, you get to see things from a little bit different perspective. And I've watched almost four decades of people fall in and out of love and tell me the same stories with the same excuses and buy this lie that it's about finding the right person, falling in love. And by the way, this is just an aside. And you need to hear this is not a criticism at all. But I've often wondered, it seems that finding the right person, like if you were super beautiful and super wealthy or super handsome and super wealthy and super popular, wouldn't it seem like then it would be really easy to have a relationship that, like, I mean, you've got it.

I do great research. You know, when you're checking out at the grocery store, there's the research magazines, you know, us, and you know, there's something like, wow, these are the most beautiful people in the world who have almost unlimited financial resources, can do anything, go anywhere, and they change partners like we change underwear. Infatuation, by and large, can last anywhere from six months to about 18, two years max. So the feeling of being in love, the excitement, the energy, then what you learn is you still have those feelings, but what you have to do is you have to date your mate, you have to cultivate romance, you have to keep doing the things that fuel that. So I still date my wife.

We still go for romantic weekends away. I still, I get up and I make coffee for her, it took me 20 years to figure that out. That meant I love you to her, so I get up first and I make coffee and I either bring it to her. What I've learned is there's certain things that if she feels loved and cherished and cared for, she wants to make me feel loved and cherished and cared for. And she has different love languages than me.

Hers are about service, like when I learned to vacuum and take out the garbage without being asked and doing all these menial things, filling her car up with gas. And I'm like, what's this got to do with love? That's her love language.

And I'm thinking, forget all that junk. Just why don't you say, darling, darling, darling, I was waiting for you to get home. Now that's love, baby, you know.

And then we can sit and have a good talk because both our second love language is deep communication. Well, I mean, the first five years, we were like this all the time because he doesn't love me. What do you mean I don't love you?

He's empty with gas. God help me. You know, I do all the laundry and I care about you and because here's what we do. We give the kind of love that makes sense to us. But it's so different.

It's so very, very different. But if you believe the lie, once those wounds start, I'm falling out of love, you unconsciously start looking for, you know, where and how. But by the way, we've never been more sex-saturated in our culture and never have we had less real intimacy because, see, the whole deal behind pornography, those are not real people. Those are people that have been injected and they turn on fans and it's all hypothetical. It is not an experience that is real and it does create chemistry in the brain. The addiction to pornography is as strong as crack cocaine, left unchecked. And so it creates, that's why, there's always higher levels and a higher need of what the Bible would call more perversion. But what it is, it's a longing for intimacy. But real intimacy means there's got to be risk. Real intimacy is I have to open my soul and open my spirit and open my fears because this is what happens.

The two, it doesn't say are one, the two become one. And when you're getting closer and closer to another person that's real intimacy, sparks fly. So you have to learn how to resolve conflict. You know, implanted in your mate is pictures of what real love or real man or real woman looks like. And when you don't fulfill those pictures, then you have this happening. But what I would say to you is that no one falls out of love. It's incremental drift and we stop doing the things that created this. And by the way, there is no relationship that's here.

It's either this direction or this direction. The success rate of the above is abysmal and the pain and the fallout and the damage despite all the talk for children. One third of all women that go through a divorce live below the poverty level.

It is devastating what happens when relationships break up. And for many of you, I don't have to tell you that. So let's look at God's prescription. You find it in Ephesians chapter five verses one and two. Let me make a couple observations and with your pen you might jot a line or two in your notes as we walk through this passage and I'll give you the context as well. It says, therefore be imitators of God as beloved children and walk in love just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us an offering and a sacrifice to God, a fragrant aroma.

There are two commands in the passage. One is to be an imitator of God. Our English word is mimic. Mimic God.

How? Well, it says, therefore be a mimic of God. Well, the therefore is there for a reason. So therefore, if you move back to verses 29 to 32, we get a description about how we're supposed to treat one another. It says, do not let any wholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only such is good for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. I could describe each one of those words, but it's internal, it's I want to pay you back, it's I'm holding a grudge, I've got resentment. It's exploding in anger.

One of them is holding things in, it's a slow burn. Different word for anger there, where you just hold it in, hold it in, and there's resentment. And then verse 32, but be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. And so when he says, therefore, be imitators of God, he's saying, in our relationship, be kind to your mate. Be tenderhearted. The only cause for divorce, according to Jesus, is the hardness of heart. See, when you get wounded, when your needs aren't met, when they do something, when they say something, when you feel rejected, there's a little thin layer, your heart starts to get a little hard.

And then it happens, and then it happens, and then it happens. It doesn't have to be some really big thing, but a lot, if you were like Teresa and myself, we didn't know how to resolve conflict, and we didn't know how to share that I'm hurt or I'm angry without attacking the other person, so we just didn't say anything. And so she would withdraw, and I would feel hurt, and because we were committed to the Lord, I would focus more and more of my energy into work, because that was a safe place and I got a lot of pats on the back and felt valued, and she put more and more of her life and her energy into the kids as this was happening.

And I mean, it was, I mean, those sparks weren't there. I stayed married because I made a vow before God, and I think you keep your word. And then it got to be where, if there's no way out, and by the way, that's why it's so important to keep a vow. Because if I hadn't made a vow and hadn't made it before God and I didn't keep my word, I just would have followed Hollywood's formula. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, challenge number two, temptation.

He'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three. If you were able to press pause on life, take a step back and really evaluate your marriage, how does it look? Is it just a little out of sync?

Are there a few areas that need some work? Or is your relationship on the verge of completely falling apart? Through his newest volume of Keeping Love Alive, Chip reveals a humbling truth. Every marriage has its challenges, even the ones that look perfect.

So how can you get your relationship where it needs to be? Well join Chip as he shares profound biblical truths that'll help you and your mate tackle these hurdles together and build a stronger Christ-centered marriage. For more information about Keeping Love Alive, volume three, or our series resources, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners, tap special offers. Chip you've said before that communication is the highway upon which love travels. What do you mean by that? What I mean by that is you can love your mate with all your heart and with the very best of intentions and do what you really think is communicating love.

And let me just tell you from personal experience, you can absolutely miss it. For years and years, I mean, I was trying so hard in my marriage and I was kind of speaking Italian, you know, and she only spoke French. And what I mean by that is that there's a language that communicates to your mate, but you may not use the same language. So for me, verbal affirmation, physical touch, those things communicate, wow, I really feel loved. Well, to my wife, it was acts of service. I mean, it was like vacuuming the floor, taking out the garbage, and then meaningful time together were hers. And so I was doing one thing and she was like, hey, here's a great dinner and look how clean the house is.

I'm going, uh, okay, thank you very much. And so we had to learn the other person's love language. And then for us, having the tools that when there is conflict, how do you resolve it without attacking the person? And so out of that led us to marriage counseling.

And out of that led us to a number of tools that really helped us learn how to speak the other's language and how to resolve conflict and how to really communicate. And that developed into a small group series called Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Let me encourage you, watch it by yourself if you have to, but better, get two or three couples and I will guarantee one thing, it'll get deeper, richer, and better. Dave, why don't you tell them how to get it?

Thanks, Chip. Well, whether you're a newlywed or have been married for years, this resource will make a significant difference in your relationship. You're going to be blown away by how much you'll learn about your spouse just by investing some time in this study. So let me encourage you, order the small group guide or the DVD and get ready to enjoy your relationship the way God intended. For complete details on Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Chip, you spent a lot of time in this message talking about the failure of the Hollywood approach to love and relationships. If you would, share some specific ways couples can begin to follow God's model.

I'd be glad to, Dave. I think the first thing is recognizing how bombarded we are and being aware that it's Hollywood's model, recognizing that like 80, 85, 90 percent of all the romance or anyone that's pictured having a deep or even sexual relationship in movies or television, they're with someone who's not their mate. And so we're really living in a world where, wow, you fall out of love, it's normal, you got to find the right person. Top number one is just recognizing, wow, that is a lie, that is not God's plan and therefore it doesn't work. I think secondly is to be intentional in our own marriage. I'm going to talk much more about how this plays out in our next broadcast, but I mean knowing your mate's love language, dating your husband or wife regularly, putting into practice this crazy idea of putting the needs and the desires of your mate ahead of your own.

And what I want to say is this starts with little things. And guys, I have to tell you, I'm not patting myself on the back, I did not catch on to this in the early years of my marriage. And learning her love language and choosing, I mean just choosing to put her needs ahead of my own and I've watched her do that with me. And so let me just encourage you to take some baby steps and stop asking what is it that my mate's not giving me so I don't feel as loved and fulfilled as I want to be. And just today, one or two actions, a phone call, a note, a word of affirmation to your husband, something that says in a language that would make sense to them, I love you, I value you.

And as you begin to do that, you're going to see some real exciting things. Just before we close, I want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving. One hundred percent of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians.

Now if you found CIP's teaching helpful but you're not yet on the team, would you consider doing that today? To donate, just go to livingontheedge.org, tap donate on the app, or give us a call at triple eight three three three six zero zero three. And let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well until next time, for everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.