Portrait of a Father - Lover of the Family

Men, there is something that you can give to your kids that they will pass on to their kids, and then they'll pass on to their kids generation after generation. It's powerful. It's a life-giving tool that will guide them through relationships, personal struggles, and serve them for the rest of their lives.

If you'll stick around, I'd like to share what that is. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drouy, and Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. In just a minute, we'll wrap up our series Portrait of a Father. Chip's been showing us the four key responsibilities of a father laid out in God's Word. In this program, he'll finish breaking down what it means to be a lover of your family, and then he'll provide a few final steps to actually apply this wisdom. If you've been blessed by these messages on fatherhood, why not share them with a dad who could use some encouragement?

You can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by downloading the free MP3s at livingontheedge.org. Now here's Chip. In Jesus' day, kids didn't matter. They were in the way, even among his followers.

Remember when the kids ran up to him? What did the disciples say? Get them out of here. They're just kids. Kids don't matter. What did Jesus say? Stop. Bring one of the children to me.

And he lifted up the little child, and then he said, such is the kingdom of God. See, children don't bring anything to the party. They don't earn any money. They are need receptors. That's what they are. You got something, they need it. You got time, they need it. You got money, they need it.

You got emotional tank, they need it. And the more secular a culture and the more hardened we come, children become less and less important. And we're living in that day. We're living in a day where people don't want to have kids.

You know why? Cramps their lifestyle. I mean, you can do a lot more on two salaries without any kids in the way. We live in a day where people say, you know, I don't want to raise my kids.

I'll stick them somewhere else and let someone else raise them. Kids don't matter in our day. We have the highest poverty levels among our children in the history of our nation at a time when we have more affluence than ever before. And the spiritual and emotional poverty that our kids have is way beyond the financial.

And so what's God say? God says the definition is we give people, our kids, what they need most because we ask the questions that really count. And the questions that a lover of his home asks as a dad is how are my kids really doing?

Not just how they appear, not they got A's or B's on the report card, not they're doing so much on the team, but how are my kids really doing? This is like the difference between the kind of guy who drives his car and he turns it on and regardless of what it sounds like, if it gets him from here to here and back, he's saying the car is fine. Well, there's some other people a little bit more astute who occasionally lift the hood. And it may get you here or there, but they notice things like there's no oil in this deal. And the little smoke over here tells me something. And you know what?

You check those little dipsticks and my lands, there's no power or transmission fluid going on here. But instead of waiting until it wrecks, they periodically look under the hood. That's what a loving dad does.

How are you really doing? Not just the outward stuff, but he's looking for the inward stuff, looks for the mood changes, looks for the emotional withdrawal, looks for the kind of kids they're starting to run with, looks at what they're motivated by. Second question a loving dad does is do they sense my approval and acceptance? Do your kids have a sense that you, dad, are for them? You are their blesser.

You care about them. I'll never forget growing up with Glenn Miller and I watched his kids when they were small and I've watched him raise them and now he's got 27, 28-year-olds or whatever. And I remember going over to his house and he grabbed his son, gave him a little Dutch rub and pat him on the shoulder and goof around a little bit. And then just in earshot, he said, Chip, I said, what? He said, that's the delight of my life.

That's the delight of my life. Then he'd come by and give his little girl a hug and he blessed his children. He wasn't their critic, he was their cheerleader. He did the hard things when he had to do the hard things. But I picked up from him, we need to communicate with our words and with our touch and how we live.

I'm for you. Man, you kids are going to get enough rejection out there. They ought to sense approval and acceptance. That's a part of love.

Third question a good loving dad asks, are we connecting at a deep level? See, as your kids go through different stages, what do they do? See, they've not lived as long as you.

This is not real hard to figure out. And when they hit things that they don't understand, what they do is they draw back from you. And as parents, when you start to probe, when they draw back, what do they do? They stick their chest out, put their hands on their hips, they argue, they tell them, you know, I don't know who they are. But everyone else's parents, I've learned, no matter how old my kids are, everyone else's parents in the whole world will let them do it.

Of course, I won't. But what I found was when I began to probe and connect with them, sometimes they didn't want it. And you know the tragedy in our day among all parents, believers or not, is when you start probing because you're concerned and they give you a little guff or they withdraw. We have parents that are saying, oh, it's a fad. They'll get through it. I'm concerned about the kind of kids they're running around with. I'm concerned about the attitude. It just must be the teenage years.

No, it must be your kids are going down the tube and someone needs to be courageous and man enough to step up and say, we're not going there. Those relationships are out of bounds for a while and you know something, I don't know what we need to do, but you and I are going to have breakfast once a week and I'll sit quietly and listen or we'll stare at each other. But guess what? I'm your dad.

I love you. And we're going to be connected whether you like it or not. And they'll hate your guts for it for a while. And then they'll love you.

The focus of a man is relationships. And by the way, I know what I just said. It's hard to do that when you didn't get it. But it can be learned. It can be learned. You just take little baby steps. It can be learned.

Doesn't mean it has to come natural. How do you pull this off? Look at number one.

Am I beating a dead horse here or what? Have you noticed that to be a leader, to be a priest, to be an educator and to be a lover of your home, it all begins with doing it. Model it. Model a love for God. Model a love for your mate. By the way, even if your mate doesn't live in the house anymore, be very careful what comes out of your mouth and the attitudes you have if you're divorced. Because telling bad things about your mate to your kids, you know who you're – it's poison.

You need to treat your mate the way God treats you. Have you ever blown it? Yes. Does God love you unconditionally? Yes. Does it mean everything is wonderful all the time?

No. But it means you deal with it in a way where you say, hey, I'm going to model the way God loves me to my mate, even if there's some very bad history there. And that will do your kids a ton of good. The second there's no substitute for is time.

You can read that quality stuff until it's coming out of your ears. I'll tell you what your kids want is you. And when you're there, you to really be there. Third is providing tender love unconditionally.

Jot down Psalm 103 13, will you? When God wants us to understand how he's like, he reaches out of Psalm 103 and he speaks and he says, for just as a human father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on us. He's mindful that we're dust. He says when a human father is functioning in a right way, he's tender. He's caring.

He's approachable. Let me give you three ways in the margin to be tender with your kids. Number one, with words. Say, I love you, will you?

I mean, just just kind of get it out over the years we started this and it's not like some code and did we forget to say it? But when I get off the phone, when I'm talking with any of my kids and the conversation, I love you. I love you, Jason. I love you, Annie. I love you, Ryan.

I love you, too, Dad. They need to hear that. I'll tell you what.

I need to hear it. But it's not just words. Touch them. OK, touch them. Put your hands on their shoulder. Give them a hug.

Come up from behind them. Dads, when they're little, wrestle, wrestle, wrestle and then wrestle some more. You know why? Because it's a safe way. They want to be connected to something strong and masculine and powerful.

And wrestling is a great way to do it. And men, as your daughters hit those preteens and then teenage years, don't back away. They need to know what it looks like to be non-sexually touched and loved. And put your arm around them and you hug them because your daughter will pick a safe, good man if she learns that there are safe, good men. And if you get a little nervous because she develops in front of your eyes and it makes you a little uncomfortable and you remove yourself from her, she'll go find some affection somewhere and you won't be a happy camper because of where she'll look.

You really won't. We've got to touch our kids. We've got to love our kids. Third is special moments. Special moments. Make birthdays big.

That's one day. You know, it's like when they were born. Make it big. Second, you know, the special times like games or if they get an award or graduations. Men, celebrate. Really celebrate. I don't mean buy them a car and stuff.

I mean just celebrate. When they hurt, boy, that's when they need tender, unconditional love. When they hurt. When they go through their first breakup, I mean, they're 15 and they're sure they're as in love as you could ever be in love. And three months later, I mean, they're depressed.

They've got feelings going on inside. They don't need a lecture where I told you not to get that involved with a kid like that anyway and he was no good from... Just sit across the bed and listen and hurt with them. When they have a big decision, be tender. Let them make some big decisions. Be tender with them. Listen a little more than give all the advice. What you'll find if you do that, they'll come back and start asking for advice, which really works better. And then finally is when they fail. There's probably a time no greater or more important to be unconditional and tender. They know as they get older, this was right and I did this.

They need to hear, I'm not real happy with the decision, but you can't do anything. I love you. We'll work through this. I'm for you. I accept you. That behavior, there's going to be a price. I'll work with you. You'll have to own that. But man, I love you.

I'm for you. Second thing along these lines is you've got to provide tough love when necessary. If Psalm 103, 13, you wrote down above right here, Hebrews chapter 12, verse 11 is the summary. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful.

Yet those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Your kids are always asking two questions. This is my parenting for fathers and mothers in a nutshell.

Your kids are always asking two questions. Do you love me and can I have my own way? The answer to number one is yes, yes, yes.

The answer to number two is no. And so what tough love is, is I love you so much that there's boundaries that inside our home, these attitudes and these behaviors won't be tolerated. Now I'm not going to go berserk. I'm not going to act like a fool.

I'm not going to let it go and then jump all over you. I'm going to very calmly under control say, that doesn't happen here. And when that does, then the car doesn't get used. And when that does, this happens. When that does, this happens. And you know what?

You can make this as hard on yourself as you like. I don't budge. I had one son for three and a half or four years made me nuts. I mean when he was at the supper table, when he was in the house, as far as I know he didn't go outside the big moral boundaries. But he had a rebellious attitude and he made our family miserable, particularly me. And it got to the point, I mean it got to the point, got to the point, got to the point where son, I mean you don't bluff this kid. We sat down and I said, son, I love you and there's nothing you can ever do that will change my love. And you know what? All that jazz you're talking about, your mom and I got a track record with you. But I'm going to tell you something right now. Here's the boundaries, here's the box, you live inside of that.

There's not many rules at all around here. But the right attitude and the right behavior. Or it's probably time now, if you can't do that, you find somewhere else to live.

And I don't suggest you ever go there unless you get led by God to go there and you know there's no other alternative. And he went into his room and hibernated for about three and a half days I guess to think it over. And then he walked out one day, I still remember brushing him in the hall and his countenance was changed and the next month he lived like the kid that I had four years earlier. Now he was a real manipulator so I wasn't too excited.

I thought, you know, it's an act. You know, he's going to get me later. All right?

But so after a month I'm feeling like this might be actually real. And I said, Jason, do you mind? What happened? So what do you mean?

Son, I've gone through four years of hell. What do you mean? What do you mean? I mean, we're like this all the time.

What do you mean? He said, oh, I just want to know where the boundaries were. I think I hit him.

He said, Dad, you know, I've grown up, I've heard about God all my life, I see what's happened in the church and I know it's really true. I know you and Mom really, really love me but, you know, just pardon me. I wanted to go off and do my own thing. I wanted to do a bunch of stuff that was wrong. I knew it was wrong. You wouldn't let me do it and it made me really mad.

And I stuffed it all down inside and so I kept pushing, pushing, pushing to see how far you'd go and I found out. He said, I know it's not worth it. He said, I'm rebelling against God, rebelling against you. I need to just live my life the way I'm supposed to. I had a good talk with God about it. I mean, it would have been very unbiblical but I just wanted to take, you know, right here.

You know, I changed more in that four years than any other time in my life. I needed God more and that same son, God's great sense of humor, he's in Nashville, writing music and traveling all over the country, preaching the gospel through song. God's got an amazing sense of humor and you know what he says? Dad, thank you. Thanks for not letting me have my own way. Moms, dads, give your kids what they need, not what they want. And as my old prof, Howard Hendricks, I never, it changed my life in my parenting.

You got to know prof Hendricks, he's something else. Listen to me. The question you need to ask is do you want your kids to love you next week or do you want your kids to love you 10 years from now? And see, there's a lot of us that don't step up and provide boundaries because our kids turn us off and they say, I don't love you anymore. And everyone else gets to do it and they sulk and so we give in.

And our kids are great students of us. We say, oh, you're grounded. And they turn to their friend and they say, oh, they said a week, it won't last more than two days. And they're right.

And your kids 10 years from now will love you when you say a week, it's a week. When you set the boundaries, you keep them under control, lovingly, and God will change them. The stewardship in the home, really we're talking about that is the issues of the heart. The leader guards the moral responsibility for the family.

The priest guards the spiritual climate. The teacher says, I'm going to impart wisdom and build character. And the lover says, the issues of the heart in my family, beginning with me, have got to be done God's way.

I have four specific steps I'd like you to take and then I want to read the most phenomenal email I've ever received since I've been here. So that if you're a man who thinks, I just don't think I could do this, if this guy can do it, you can do it. But let me give you the four steps of application because I think many of you, if you're like me, I didn't grow up in a Christian home, I didn't read the Bible until I was 18, a lot of this is foreign. Application, four points. How to become the dad your kids need you to be, number one, it must begin with your thinking. So you start to think the way God thinks about being a father instead of how you were raised.

Second, it only becomes real with support. Trying to do this on your own, you'll fail. Find a group of men, do something as couples, however, but find some people who can covenant with you.

And it doesn't have to be official, you don't have to go through the church office. Find three or four guys that say, hey, you want to do this? Yeah, you're struggling? Yeah, okay, good, you qualify. Three, it requires supernatural grace. You know that modeling, modeling, modeling, modeling? If you are not a Christian, you're here and you hear this stuff, if you've never asked Jesus to forgive you, come into your life, cleanse you, and empower you by his spirit, do it today.

Do it because you need it, but do it because your kids need it. You can't do what I've talked about here apart from the supernatural grace of God. And if you're a man here and honestly before God, only you know, Christ is not your Lord.

I mean, he's not really. I mean, you know the story, you're pretty sure, you know, you can go to heaven, he's your savior, you're in. And somehow you've got it in your mind like, well, like later when I get done with this or this or this, I'll kind of get serious about my faith. Get serious now and say, God, because the resources are not available to carnal Christians.

You're going to have to get right with God because you've got to live this out because you can make a zillion mistakes, love covers a multitude of sins. But if you will model this, your kids by and large will catch it. And then number four, it's sustained by pondering the future. And this may sound a little bizarre, but I do this. I mean, I literally do this a lot. I picture myself in my late 70s, early 80s.

I do. And I lean back in my easy chair and it's my birthday and I picture who's there. And I picture what will really be important. And I just I have a hard time getting real excited thinking, wow, everyone will be impressed with how much money I have, how big my house is, what kind of car I drive, how many people ever reported to me. And then I realized late 70s, early 80s, the things that will matter are, will any of my kids come to my birthday party? Will they even want to be there?

Will their grandkids be there? Well, I'd be able to look back and say the real legacy of my life was I gave a higher focus and a higher intentionality to raising kids who walked with God, the ups and downs, the struggles, the failures. I did that first, even before my work. And I get this sneaking suspicion as I talk with older men. I got this sneaking suspicion that I'll end up a very, very blessed man if I do what I'm talking about, because it's hard.

It's tough to balance. It takes unbelievable courage. You're going to you're going to run into a lot of barriers and conflict. But you, by the grace of God, if Jesus doesn't come back. The way this life expectancy that you're going to you're going to live to your late 70s, you're going to live to your early 80s, maybe beyond. And what are you going to have?

You're going to have whatever you're investing your life in now. Let me share a great story and we'll close. And I want you just to be thinking as you ponder, let one side of your brain say, oh, God, what do you really want me to do? And what's it going to look like? And then the other side of your brain, you listen with the ears that kind of say, you know, God, if that guy can do it, I mean, you know.

I mean, I can do this if this guy did it. Hi, Chip gives his name. Here's my testimony of fatherhood in my life. I grew up in Mexicali, Mexico. There were eight of us. My father lived in the United States, and we found out later he had another wife there. He would come home about once every six months and would stay for any time anywhere from a week to a month time.

He called it to relax and have some fun, which meant that he went and got drunk almost every day and came back in the middle of the night. Awakened us and beat all of us. He never showed us any love or affection. After a few years, his wife in the States left him, and so he brought down our three stepsisters that we didn't know we had and had my mother raise them.

Chip, guess what? I used to say to my mom all the time, I would never be a father like my father was. I would never beat my children, and worse, I would never abandon them. When I was 18, I got married, not for love, but just to get out of the house. Soon, my wife got pregnant, and I was a father of a son. The marriage lasted approximately one year. I abandoned my son just like my father had done to me.

That's when my mother said, you're becoming a lot like your father. Four years later, I married again. This time, I thought it was for love, but jealousy ruled my life, and it brought beatings to my wife. Two years later, I became a father again through this marriage, and my second son was born. When he was six months old, I repeated what I'd been through. I abandoned him and my wife we divorced.

As God would guide my life, unbeknownst to me, I met and married a third woman who was a Christian four years later. My wife, now third wife, and I opened a little restaurant. Its location was located close to my first wife and my first son, and the little boy would come into the restaurant, and I told my wife, don't let him in the restaurant.

Don't even serve him water. I treated him exactly the way my father had treated me. During the next few years, I would not only beat my current wife, but I beat my second son from my previous marriage.

I almost went to jail for this. This time, I learned a big lesson, and I tried to be a father, but never quite made the grade. Although I got a little closer to him, I would promise him anything, but I never kept my promises.

It was always all talk. I tried to buy his love with clothes and toys, but I never gave him what he wanted most. That was my time. When he would visit my wife and I, I would always make the excuse, I have so much work to do, so I wouldn't have to be around him because I didn't know what to do. And I said to him what my father said to me, here, spend time with your mother. In 1993, I became a Christian, and God impressed me that I needed to mend fences with my first wife and my oldest son.

I called and asked to see them, and I talked with them, and during the talk, my son asked me where I was during all the holidays and birthdays. Where was I when he was in jail at 14? I remember him asking me what was wrong with him. What had he done that I didn't want to have anything to do with him? He asked me was I ashamed of him. He told me he just wanted to hear from me that I loved him.

He told me he had turned to a gang and got involved in stealing so he could prove that he was a man and that he didn't need me. My son told me, crying, that he used to wait by the phone on his birthdays year after year for me to call. Eventually, his hope began to die, and it reminded me of when I was a little boy, and I waited by the phone, and my father never called me.

I was selfish because I didn't have a role model of a father, and I really didn't know what to do to be a role model to my sons. It took something special from God, and God began to open my eyes and my heart to make me realize I needed to change. When you preached on chapter 4 of Ephesians, the Lord began to work in my life. In the past four months, he's transformed me. I no longer hold a grudge or anger against my father. I went to him. I mended the fences.

We wept, we hugged, and I finally felt for the first time in my life that he was sincere, and he told me that he loved me. Realize the courage at that point in your life, three marriages of what he did? To be a good role model to my sons, I now realize I need to be patient and humble and gentle. With God's help, I'm learning to be a father. I want to be the father to them now that I never was. It is never too late. Did you hear that, men?

It's never too late. P.S. I'm happily married to my wife, and I intend to stay with her until Jesus comes or I die.

So where are you? What of those four steps do you just need to say, God, and it's never too late? Chip will be right back with his application for this message, which is part of his series, Portrait of a Father. Through these messages, Chip hopes to stress just how important dads are in the lives of their kids. No one contributes more to a child's beliefs and identity than their father.

That's why it's important for men to take seriously the four roles Chip's identifying. As you better understand these important responsibilities, you'll love your family better and more intentionally pass on the baton of faith. And remember, it's never too late to make a lasting impact on the next generation. Make today the day you choose to make a difference. For all the details and pricing information for Portrait of a Father, go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003.

App listeners simply tap Special Offers. Well, Chip, I know there's lots of men's groups starting to meet together again as we head into summertime, and they really long to encourage one another to be great dads. Now, do we have a resource that would really help them on their journey?

Absolutely. In fact, one of the things I've done with fellow pastors, but with men and men's groups, is I've taken this material and I've walked with them through it. And together we said, hey, how do we be this kind of dad to our kids? Well, just recently we took all this material and we made it a small, I mean, bite-sized book that can be read in, I don't know, a little over an hour.

This is the kind of book that you get two or three guys or a men's group and you say, hey, let's take the next two or three weeks, we'll read this little book, and let's share how we're doing. In fact, the research is absolutely clear. Contrary to everything our culture is saying, the role of the father in the family is absolutely the greatest determiner in how your kids turn out morally, the kind of trouble they get in or don't get in, how they do educationally, how they relate to other men and women. Your role as a dad is a shaper. It's so critical. It's so important.

And here's what I know. Many of us never had that dad who modeled for us what it meant to be a Christian father. It was so hard to learn how to be a dad. But as I learned and as I got some other guys around me to help me learn, my kids are different today. They came out completely different because God showed me what he expected of me and how he would give me the power and the grace to be that kind of dad. Perfect?

No way. But I made progress. That's what I want for you. And in fact, we so want you to do it with others. We've discounted it so that you can buy 2, 5, 10, 20 copies and get it to a lot of people to help them too. To order your copy of Chip's new book, Portrait of a Father, How to Be the Dad Your Child Needs, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. And as Chip just said, we've discounted this resource so you can get as many as you need, whether it's a couple or for your whole church. We hope this book will encourage every dad to be the leader God has called them to be. Again, to get your hands on Chip's new book, Portrait of a Father Before Father's Day, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003.

Now let's listen to Chip's application. And the prophet said, he, the Messiah, when he comes, will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the land with the curse. That's the very last verse in the Old Testament. Men, isn't it interesting that when God talks about spirituality being vibrant, that he says there'll be a relationship connection between children and fathers and fathers and children. We've said in the Portrait of a Father that a man has four roles. Number one, you are the leader. Number two, you are a priest. Number three, you are a teacher. And number four, you are a lover. And a lover is a person who gives people what they need most.

And I might add, when they deserve it the least. And so as dads, our role is to love our kids. And that means that we provide, we protect spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. And so we ask some questions as being the lovers of our family.

And the first question we ask, I want to ask it to you. I mean, you heard it, but now I'm asking you about your kids. How are my kids really doing? I mean, let me ask you that. How are they really doing? I don't mean just sports and grades and school and they're not giving you a hard time.

I mean underneath the hood. I mean the heart. What are they feeling? What are they thinking? How would you answer that?

Do you know? Second question a lover asks is, do they sense my approval and my acceptance? And I don't mean, yeah, you put money on the table and you take care of life.

I mean from their heart. I have a good friend who refers to his son and to his daughter as the delight of my life. And I've watched him over the years. He's very affectionate, puts his arm around his son in a manly way. And he looks him in the eye and kind of teases him. And I've watched him embarrass him over the years. But he'll look him in the eye in front of other people at times and say, have I ever introduced to you this is a delight of my life? And then he'll take his daughter and give her a hug. And I've watched the interior of those kids' hearts grow because their dad has said, you know something, you can have ups, you can have downs. I approve of you.

Ready? Apart from your performance. Men, if you want to know how important it is to ratchet up the relationship side of your role as a father, ask yourself what kind of relationship did you have with your dad? I've been in more men's groups, more Bible studies, and more heart-to-heart conversations with men.

And you know what I hear? I hear guys that are still trying to get their father's approval. They're 52 years old and they're still trying to get their dad to love them.

And they're doing it by, quote, being successful and working. And I hear men whose hearts don't know how to open up to their kids because they've never had that from another man. Men, let's break the cycle. Let's be leaders, lovers, priests, and teachers. If you don't know how, I encourage you.

Listen to it over and over and over and over until you start spontaneously being this to your kids. You'll be glad you did. As we wrap up, I want to say thanks to those who make this program possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs, purchase airtime, and develop additional resources to help Christians live like Christians. If you've been blessed by the Ministry of Living on the Edge, would you consider sending a gift today? You can call us at 888-333-6003, tap the donate button on the app, or donate online at LivingOnTheEdge.org. Your support is greatly appreciated. For Chip and the entire team, I'm Dave Druey, saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.