Portrait of a Father - Teacher of the Family

For most men, the two most influential people in all your life were a teacher and a coach.

Now listen carefully. The teacher that God has called to have the greatest impact in the life of your child is you. But it's more than teaching them how to drive a car, play an instrument, or be good at a sport. It's teaching life, morals, a relationship with others, and how to be an authentic follower of Jesus Christ. If you would like some help in teaching your kids how to be the greatest person God wants them to be, stay with us.

Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druey, and we're in the middle of our series, Portrait of a Father, which really focuses on the four key roles only a father can fill in the lives of his kids. So far Chip has explained a dad's responsibility to be a leader and a priest for his family. In just a minute, he'll examine the last two roles and provide practical steps to apply them in your life. As a quick reminder, if you miss a portion of this program, let me encourage you to download the Chip Ingram app.

It's a great way to catch up anytime. Now here's Chip with part three of his series, Portrait of a Father. Many of you ever awakened in the middle of the night with a cold sweat, with a knot right down in the pit of your stomach, and it seems like life is suspended for that moment, and this horrifying thought comes to your mind. Are my kids getting from me what they really need from their dad? One of those flashes of review where everything else seems to just fade away and that issue comes right before you. When this happened to me, I found myself a few minutes later sitting in the living room, a small light I still remember and some shadows in the background, and I had to face the painful reality that I was going way, way too fast.

What I said was important was getting the back seat and the urgent was getting the front seat. Have you had that moment where you honestly come out of the denial long enough to sense relationships are fragmenting? It starts with your mate. You see it in the eyes of your kids. You've told them and told yourself, well, it's going to change soon.

It'll change. Then you realize you don't know exactly how to get off the speed train. If you got off, you don't know exactly what to do. You know your kids. Something deep in your gut tells you your kids need a lot more from you than you're given them, but you don't know what it is. And if you're like me, you don't know how to give it.

At least I didn't then. It changed my life. It started me on a journey of trying to figure out what in the world does a dad look like?

What do my kids really need? What's really important? But to be very candid with you, it happens to men in different ways, but unfortunately most men end up going back to sleep.

They feel a disturbing event occurred and then they get up and they live that next day the way they lived the last day and the last week and the last month and the last year. But I believe every now and then God loves us so much as men and he loves our kids and our families so much that he'll bring a tragedy or a sleepless night or some event to get our attention so we don't end up living our whole life with our ladder leaned against the wrong wall. David Blankenhorn in his book Fatherless America gives some evidence to why the stakes are so high. Men says fatherlessness is the the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well being in our society. It is the engine that is driving our most urgent social problems from crying to adolescent pregnancy to the sexual abuse of children and to domestic violence against women.

Yet despite its scale and its social consequences, fatherlessness is a problem that is frequently ignored. And so I had the opportunity to write this big paper I told you about. I had to write a thesis and I was pretty tired and I figured you know what?

Write on something that you're motivated. You have a big need and I wrote it on the role and responsibility of the father in transmitting values in the family. And you remember there were four key roles that the Bible evidences backed up by the psychological and sociological research and that us as dads we need to be the leader in our home. We need to be the priest in our home and now we're going to learn we need to be the teacher and the lover. But men we get a chance to break the cycle. We've got a chance to make a huge huge difference and you don't have to have it all together and you don't have to go and start some big new thing. You can take little baby steps and God will be so pleased if you would begin to initiate and lead in your home and begin to make sure worship occurs in your family's life.

You'll never regret the day that you did it. Let's just go over these four roles and I'll just highlight them quickly and then we'll look at snapshots number three and number four. One of the primary roles is he's a leader. We said a definition of a leader. He makes things happen that leaders ask pivotal questions like where are we now as a family? Where do we need to go and how are we going to get there? Here's what I heard from men. I have never thought it never dawned on me to bring the same intensity, the same focus, the same strategic thinking to my family that I do to my job every day.

You know a lot of guys told me says you know I don't know much about the Bible to be candid but you know what I can do that but I got to turn that switch inside. I'm going to be the leader in my home. We learned that the focus of leaders is objectives.

Where are you going to land? The how-to was modeling taking initiative setting some direction and ongoing evaluation and we said the stewardship as a man is we are morally responsible for her homes and to be very honest this is pretty foreign territory for some of us. We grew up and our parents grew up and their parents grew up in a generation where if we went to work got a paycheck and there's a roof over our family's head and we put bread and butter on the table most of us grew up thinking that's what a dad is and that's provision that's part of it but that's not it. Second thing we learned is that a father's not only a leader he's a priest. He makes God's known. Remember Moses went up and he heard from God and he took what was true about God and he gave it to the people and then he gave said to the fathers you do that to your kids and to your grandkids and then he took the needs of the people and he brought them to God that's what a priest does.

Men that's what we do in our home. We have the privilege of revealing God to our kids and then taking their needs and their hurts and the things that we can't handle and taking them to God and then watching him work in them. A dad who's a priest says over and over throughout the stages of his kids lives do my kids know God? Do they have an accurate view of God? Does our home honor God?

Are they and am I growing in holiness? We said that the focus of the priest is worship and we said some how to's first we have to model it dads. We need to be authentic worshipers privately and devotionally and then we need to be the ones to say to the family hey let's get up Sunday morning or Saturday night we're going to worship because it matters and then we initiate family worship you know at least once or twice a week. We make it short we make it fun but there's time around the Bible and time where we share hearts and time where we care and pray and then you teach your kids how to worship on their own. The stewardship here men is we're not only leaders but as priests we're the stewards of the spiritual climate of our home that's not your wife's job that's not the church's job. In my home that's my job and in your home that's your job.

Well where do we go from here? Snapshot three and snapshot four snapshot three he's a teacher definition he imparts wisdom and builds character that's what a teacher does. I want to get something out of your mind get the picture out of your mind of a teacher as in someone standing up has a book in front of them little people are lined up in robes and the goal of the teachers take information out of their head and put it in the heads of all these kids. Many of us have grown up with a western view of transmission of knowledge where we think we open our kids heads fill it full of a bunch of information close it down wind it shut and someday they'll figure out how to use that. That is not how the what the Bible teaches about education and by the way that's not a good education anywhere.

You know what a teacher does? A teacher imparts wisdom. The Hebrew word for wisdom really has more the idea of skill. The book of Proverbs defines what it is wisdom is understanding how life is created life and relationships and things to work then you know it and then after you know it then you understand the why behind it and then you have discernment about when and how to put it into practice and then you teach your children to live life according to God's pattern so that it protects them and brings his Shalom his blessing and glory to him. That's what you want to transmit the wisdom of God the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord but beyond that you don't want just them to know what's right or to learn a few skills you want them to have character and so a teacher's job is to build values and principles and convictions and loyalty and integrity so that when they hit transitional years they make decisions on their own in their peer group to say I'm not going that direction I'm going this direction not because of my parents but because of what God has done in my life.

See what you want to impart wisdom and you want to build character the classic New Testament passage Ephesians 6 4 and notice who's it addressed to. Mothers no parents no fathers don't exasperate your children is the idea or don't frustrate your children or don't cause them to get angry that's the negative side of this command but rather bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Notice there's a negative and a positive command the negative is don't frustrate them. Men we're to be the primary teachers will our wives and and Sunday school teachers and youth group leaders help us yeah but we're the primary people responsible and so he says be careful because as men we can we can frustrate or get our kids angry. The ways that I've done it you want to know how not to do it is be very perfectionistic that produces anger be harsh be passive or no matter what they do find fault. I've done all this and when I do it my kids get mad and they don't want to hear from me and they don't embrace my values. When we're harsh perfectionistic or passive as men we stir up anger in our kids but he says don't do that but instead what? Hey bring them up it's a very broad word to bring up the word was used in the classical Greek to mean nourishment even physical nourishment mental nourishment they had this broad broad view of the total development or nurture of a child and so we're to bring up the educational environment we're to bring them up with two things in mind how to with the discipline and admonition. The word discipline King James translates that I think in Ephesians 5 toward the end as nourishment and then in Hebrews 12 the same word is translated as chastisement very broad range the idea is whatever it takes for your kids to learn or be educated or to be trained in the things of God that's what you do but the unique aspect of this word discipline or training has to do with you do it by actions the instruction or another translation says admonition the discipline and instruction or discipline and admonition of the Lord the idea there is you do it with words and I think the word order is important when your kids are first learning can they understand what you're saying how do you teach your kids when they're real early when they're real small when they do what's right they get reward and when they do what's wrong they get consequences it's done lovingly and kindly and so dads our jobs is to lead our family in such a way so when our kids grow up instead of talking talking talking talking explaining explaining explaining explaining yelling yelling yelling yelling screaming screaming screaming and their kid and your kids start to do this the goal is early on by way of your actions they know what's right they know what's wrong they know what's expected they know that they're loved and then the admonition is the words the verbal words to keep them on course and so dads our job is to bring up our kids in a sphere of Christ likeness in the Lord whereby our actions and by our words we educate imparting wisdom and building character well what's the focus then the focus is wisdom and there's some questions to get you there as a teacher what are the kind of questions you need to ask to be effective the first one is ask yourself what does your kid need to know do and be okay what's the knowledge that they need what's the skills the doing and what do they need to be or become if you want a good way to put this together this has been very helpful to me think about I need to develop my child's head I need to develop my child's hands and I need to develop my child's heart you get it what do they need to know head what skills do they need to learn in relationships skills with their finances skills about decision-making skills about studying God's Word hands skills finally their heart their character their motives their relationships see as a teacher don't don't fall into the trap where you think if they get just the right knowledge you've done your job see the goal is not that they get to become smarter sinners like us the goal is that they have a transformed life the goal isn't how much they get to know the goal is can they put it into practice in real life that's the goal you will met you want to make a Christ like one done in a very nurturing loving environment the second question then is how they best learn see the greatest danger is you'll have your first kid and it'll be fairly compliant and whatever you do with them you think that's the way you ought to do it I've got news for you they're all different aren't they I have four God gave me a test case I'm convinced part of it was to help you I've got two kids that were born within five minutes of each other when they were little looked a lot alike I mean they're twins same family same environment they learn completely differently I had one that if he was the only child I had you would be looking at the smartest and most intelligent godly parent in the world right here right here with my son Eric as he grew up this is how I disciplined Eric Eric oh sorry dad it's done I'm done and so I would tell other parents that's how you do it now he had a brother out of the same womb I didn't take the proverbial two by four with his brother I mean that didn't work a long time ago it was the two by six and I could take you know metaphorically speaking of course and I could smash him across the face with man son what in the world are you doing and here's all these consequences and you're grounded yes for the rest of your life and he put his hands on his hips and say is that all you got and so as a teacher you better find out how your kids learn what kind of personalities they have and what's the most effective way to communicate third question you need to ask is when and how will you teach them in this season of their life let me give you a quick example let me run through this and maybe it'll be helpful for some of you maybe like me didn't grow up in a Christian home and I didn't read the Bible until I was 18 each season is different when my kids were small see what I'm talking about is you have to have a structure and a game plan to educate them and so when my kids were small it was bedtime each bedtime I put my kids to bed if I was home now I'd fight over this now and then with Teresa because you'd always want to get in on this I said you get to be with him a lot more than me and so I read through storybooks storybooks of the Bible and I get him real close to me and then we'd shut the door and pile up the pillows and we made it fun it was outrageous it was crazy but I wanted them to hear the content of God's Word associated with their dad my arm around them cuddling up together and I did that in the early years in the middle years then you shift and the time instead of bedtime was around meals because by the middle years even 10 11 12 early preteens and teens I want my kids to meet with God on their own before they go to bed and so around meals once or twice a week read the Bible a little bit talk a little bit I tried a million different ways none of them lasted more than three weeks to three months and then it didn't work it's a lot like business isn't it you know whatever's working now three months from now it's not working why should it be any different with your family because they're growing they're changing the paradigms got a shift and so it was meal time that was the formal instructional time and then as they've gotten older you know 1920 I'll give them a book I need a really good book give me a really good book I need something to fire me up you go out and you goof around and you talk about it and around the table a lot of our family times now is I just say honey what are you reading right now and she'll share Eric how about you right what's going on with you and you know yeah there are times where someone will say you know dad to be honest it's been a pretty bad week I've not read a whole lot okay well just move to the next one but it's a loving positive nurturing environment where of course everyone has their ups and downs but where you share life together and so each season you need to figure out how am I going to communicate formally and informally the truth of God's word in a way where it gets into their heart and they apply it to their life and so the focus is wisdom and ask yourself some of your I hope you're thinking I need some curriculum I mean I need some curriculum where would I go what should I teach him are you ready for this there's a section of the Bible called the wisdom literature can you have any idea what it might be for wisdom we if you want to train your kids hands skills in life book of Proverbs take your kids to the book of Proverbs it starts out son I want to teach you how to walk with God it's all the skills about life it starts what the fear of the Lord is beginning of wisdom and then chapter after chapter after chapter it talks about basic things like work your tongue sex money relationships loans it teaches your kids the skills of life but you don't just want to do their hands then move as they get into preteen actually teenage years to Ecclesiastes because you want them to know when they're finding their identity that it can't be found in money it can't be found in education can't be found in fame it can't be found in popularity let him know there was someone that could do anything the wisest richest most powerful man in the world named Solomon and he said when it's all been said when it's all been done if you don't walk with God everything's vanity and you give them a biblical worldview and then finally you want to develop their heart so the wisdom literature get in the Psalms and you read and pray Psalms out loud you got a great curriculum there because the focus of a teacher is to transmit wisdom you do it how one by modeling having a word centered life yourself to by those formal times of instruction like we talked about and then by informal times and by the like you know I want to just for a second think outside the box now all of us would say when your kids graduate from high school you want to be able to read write think and be able to articulate ideas right and communicate verbally we all want that and I fell into the trap of thinking that if the public schools are not doing a good job of that and I know there's I mean I'm a school teacher my parents were school teachers all been involved in public schools all my life but you know there's been a slide there's a lot of great teachers out there but there's been a slide you know I hope that they'll help me but I'm not going to stand before God and say the name of such and such high school how come they didn't do a better job with my son I realize that's my job now if I get a lot of help and it gets done at the school great if not then I better do it the senior year of my youngest boy we did something is really cool and he wasn't thinking real well wasn't writing real well and wasn't articulating in a way that I thought was at the level was going to prepare him for the future and so I said you know something son school's not very hard and you don't seem to do a whole lot of the work and you don't do much work and you still get good grades and that doesn't make sense to me but since they're not giving you a challenge I will and he said what do you mean Dan I said so we went through a book called chafers Bible themes takes all the great doctrines of the Bible six seven eight nine pages gives a bunch of passages in about 18 to 20 questions and I said read this look up all the verses answer the questions and we'll talk well I mean he did it and he got into it and we went through most of that book and pretty soon now he's writing papers for me and turning them in and I need a little work here I give him back to me then we went to CS Lewis and we did mirror Christianity he outlined every chapter of mirror Christianity and gave me the reasoning and the thought the presuppositions and the apologetics and then he started using them on his high school teachers it was unfair and pretty guess what my son developed the love for theology he learned how to write and I actually made him a couple times give little mini messages and I made him stay in the living room wife and I sat down on the couch I said go babe oh dad you're kidding I'm not kidding I'm committed to you getting educated and he did it and got a little nervous and then pretty soon he got pretty good see let's think outside the box guys what's the goal the goal isn't how can we get out of something the goal is what we can put into our kids that years and years and years will say whoa boy am I glad I did that and so you do it informally you do it formally and you do it at times where not just by the way of those but you do it at times where they have a failure that's called a teachable moment they break up that's called a teachable moment I've had a time where I came back and one son had lovingly propelled another son into the wall in a way that did damage to the wall that was a teachable moment we're educators we're teachers and so the stewardship as teachers God's calling is to transfer godly wisdom to the next generation now this next little section is a chip Ingram ism it is not from God it is a personal conviction but I felt prompted to say okay so you ready I made a decision early on this was when I grew up in the era my kids were coming up when Nintendo just came out I made it here's a here's a decision I made I would not have video games in my house I would none of my kids would have a TV in their room and that during school nights we won't watch TV see my observation as I watch the culture was most homes including born-again Christian homes are media centered homes they're not word centered homes okay now am I saying that that's from God and everyone ought to do that not at all I'm saying it's a personal conviction and my kids oh you know dad you know what to do let's say you know what hey if you want to go to those arcades and play it a couple times fine but when a kid sits in front of a TV and watches something I can tell you the research of what's happening in their mind and when they're a little bit bored and they can play around with something and two and a half hours later nothing has been accomplished what they learn to do is burn time so I have four children they're all four voracious readers second all four are musicians third all four are initiators and fourth all four are communicators you know why they got bored they got bored you know in my house you get your homework done it's eight o'clock it's 815 I mean what do you do you're not watching anything you're not playing any video games you're not gonna amuse yourself to death ah meaning non-muse as in think see we got a world that is amusing themselves to death not thinking so you know you get so bored hey pick up the guitar go over play the piano go work out you ready read a book and amazing things happen they learn to take initiative they learn to think they learn to be creative just a little thought I'll just leave that one with you I'll pass you right on are you ready okay dads God's got a great plan for your family starts with being a leader next is a priest third is the teacher or educator and fourth this is special we're to be a lover definition of a lover is he gives people what they need most now primarily as you go through the scriptures you find that that's what God does he's an unconditional lover of our soul he gives us what we need most a great sacrifice and so what is it it's provision and protection when you really think about love that's what you get you get provision and you get protection you get material provision from your dad spiritual provision from your dad emotional provision from your dad and relational provision from your dad see what you love says whatever they really need if it's a tender hug or being grounded done out of the same concern and motive you give it to them you care for them you sacrificially literally give your life interesting passage read with me Malachi 4 the very last two verses of the Old Testament it says behold I'm going to send Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and terrible day of the Lord speaking of judgment and he will restore the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers lest I come and smite the land with the curse Jesus told us that John the Baptist was the Elijah spoken of here that he came to prepare the way of the Lord and one of the evidences is when people are living under kingdom rule one of the primary evidences is when a culture and when a home are living the way God wants them to you know what it is it's when there is an intimate heart connection and concern from the father to the children and from the children back to the father the focus of a man is relationships it's hard to do that when you didn't get it but it can be learned it can be learned you just take little baby steps it can be learned doesn't mean it has to come naturally You know before we go any farther I just want to stop right now because I know how hard it is when you listen to this as a man and say you don't get it Ingram I mean you're a pastor you got some Bible training and all that other jazz and your dad was probably pastor and his great-grandfather was a pastor and all this jazz man I'm I feel like I'm just barely wet in Christ of knowing anything and I don't know how to be a dad well let me tell you something I had a good moral dad who was a marine who was a very tough guy who never verbalized once in my early life that he loved me though I know he did and I didn't get it and I never opened a Bible to I was 18 and I found myself with three little boys trying to teach them what it meant to be a man and I didn't have it and so I told it at the very end it can be learned it can be learned it can be learned I've had this weird opportunity right now I am now 30 years down the road of being a dad and I started at zero and so let me give you some baby steps to take baby step number one start eating as a family you don't even have to talk about God just get people around the table three or four times a week that's called leadership and by the way ask some questions but you don't have to make it overly spiritual when you start out just get people in the home and you initiate second is every other week put your kids on your schedule and you know you can go get a milkshake you can take a walk you can throw the ball in the backyard this is not dropping them off to you sports and they're going out in a field playing with other people and saying you spent time with them this is dad to kid okay you're actually with them so so far you haven't even had to you haven't even given them a verse third is start modeling something and you know this here's simple I didn't have any idea but you around the table after you eat for a little while get the book of Proverbs up okay I mean it's just like wisdom you don't have to be a genius and just read you know like start a chapter one and read like half of a chapter and then say you know which one of these do you think is pretty cool you know and then say this is the one I read it earlier this morning that I thought was really kind of neat and here's why make it five minutes okay six and if everyone rolls their eyes on dad what are you doing in the Bible this is all new don't get discouraged why they're not going to be tuned into this early you be the man and you give them what they need not what they want and the other thing it means is that you read the proverb that morning and if that's all you do guys you know meal together personal time a little bit in the Bible and then you know here's what you do I meet with so many pastors and I can tell you pastors wives tell me and that not this isn't just husbands pastors wives tell me their greatest need their greatest heartbreak is their pastor husband doesn't pray with them and when they do wives tell me I feel protected I feel loved and just before you go wait a minute guy that's way out there I've helped guys learn how to pray with their wife by doing something as simple as simply holding hands with their wife and say you know let's silently pray for each of our kids and for this big thing that's coming up tomorrow okay and when I'm done praying I'll be real quiet and I'll say amen I mean I mean like how threatening is that and then you move to you know let's each share one or two sentences and let's have a little quiet time all I'm telling you guys is you'll get more and more comfortable you find a group of guys there's so many great resources we have them other other people have them this is not rocket science this is courage faith a willingness to draw a line in the sand and stop saying I didn't get it so I can't give it you start a new generation men we can turn the corner and change the world but it starts under our roof may God give you supernatural grace strength and courage act on it today don't in your heart as I'm talking to you know I really ought to do that forget that auto stuff do it today start the journey tell you what man you'll you'll be like me and I've looked back now 30 years because I started with baby steps you start with a baby step today that's a great word Chip thanks you're listening to Living on the Edge the message you just heard is from chip series portrait of a father these messages are a response to the pervasive problem of fatherlessness an increasing number of kids are growing up without a dad or worse a father who's present in the home but emotionally uncaring and spiritually checked out the fact is many men don't know how to be the dad their kids need if you want help being a better father don't miss a single part of this series chip will break down four biblical roles only a father can fill it doesn't matter if you've been a dad for decades or you're brand new to fatherhood these lessons are vital to check out the resource options and pricing information for portrait of a father go to Living on the Edge org or call triple 8333 6003 or click on special offers on the chip Ingram app well chip before we wrap up this program you know father's day is one of the hardest times to buy a gift for dad we all struggle with that one got any ideas absolutely dave i do have a great idea i think it's helping a dad be a dad my confession i didn't grow up in a christian home i got very little help being a dad being the father that my children need and so i've written a little book called the portrait of a father how to be the dad your child needs it flows right out of this series that we're hearing in fact the essence of it is this the father's role in the family is critical but i think men get overwhelmed we we don't know exactly how to do it in this little booklet i'll give you the four roles that god expects for a man to be a leader a lover a teacher and a priest and then very specifically how to do that you can read this in a little over an hour it's really small so it's one that you could get for three or four or five or six people and i think the team has discounted it because we want to get this in the hands of as many people as possible for father's day not just so they get a good gift but what we know is when a man begins to lead his family when he finally gets the confidence to know who he is to be and what he's to do it changes everything dave why don't you tell them how they can get this little book sure thing to order your copy of chip's new book portrait of a father how to be the dad your child needs go to Living on the Edge dot org or call triple eight three three three six zero zero three and as chip just said we've discounted this resource so you can get as many as you need whether it's a couple or for your whole church we hope this book will encourage every dad to be the leader god has called them to be again to get your hands on chip's new book portrait of a father before father's day go to Living on the Edge dot org or call triple eight three three three six zero zero three as we close this program just a quick but important thought Living on the Edge depends on listeners like you to help us encourage christians to really live like christians would you consider partnering with us on a monthly basis so more people can benefit from this ministry to set up a recurring donation call us at triple eight three three three six zero zero three tap the donate button or go to Living on the Edge dot org and thanks in advance for doing whatever god leads you to do well be sure to join us again next time as chip wraps up his current series portrait of a father for chip and the entire team this is dave druy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge you