Portrait of a Father - Leader of the Family

Hey dads, when your kids look at you, what do they see? A hard worker? A fun-loving sports fanatic? An outdoorsman? A man's man? A great husband?

What kind of model are you setting for them? Now if you want your kids to grow up to be positive, self-assured, morally strong adults, then stick around because that's what we're going to talk about today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this daily discipleship program, Motivating Christians to Live Like Christians. I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks for joining us as Chip begins a new series called Portrait of a Father by unpacking what the Bible says about being a dad.

Now the traditional responsibilities of fathers have often been neglected or even outright rejected. Chip's heart for this series is to encourage men to be the dads God has called them to be. Now before we begin, let me encourage you to use Chip's message notes while you listen. They'll really help you get the most out of what you're about to hear. Download them under the broadcast tab at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners just tap fill in notes. With that, here's Chip. Today four out of ten children will put their head on a pillow in a house without a dad. In David Blankenhorn's landmark book, I quote, he says, the United States is becoming an increasingly fatherless society. A generation ago, an American child could reasonably expect to grow up with his or her father. Today, an American child can reasonably expect not to.

Now this is an academic to me. And what I know is for a lot of you men, it's not. I jumped into fatherhood early with both feet, no experience. And the day I got married, I became a dad. Later got to adopt my older two boys. But I had four year olds from the get go. And what I realized is I didn't know how to be a husband let alone a dad. And six months after that, you know, because I wanted to pile up the transitions, make it as difficult as possible, I put everybody in a rider truck and we drove to Dallas and were called of God to go into ministry and change careers and our conviction was that my wife needed to stay home with my little boys. And we had $700.

I didn't have a job. I knew I needed to go to school full time and figure out a way to support my family. And so for four years, we lived a pressurized, stressful, loony, amazing, victorious God came through beyond what we could imagine. And our marriage got stretched and our God got bigger. And four years later, I've got now two eight year olds. And then amazingly, this other little boy came along.

So now I've got two eight year olds, a toddler. And the one thing I want to do is get out of this place. It's a great experience. I'm learning a lot. But I have absolutely no more emotional gas in my motivational tank. And I've got a thesis to write.

I've done one of these before I know the price tag. And I'm thinking, I don't want to go there, but they don't let you out until you write it. And so I said, God, what am I going to do?

And he said, Chip, no audible voice, but Chip, write on the biggest need you have in your life and that way you'll stay motivated. And so I wrote my thesis on the role and responsibility of the Father in transmitting values in the family. And I thought, you know, I want to find out what the Bible says. So I looked anytime the word Father showed up in Scripture, I divided the Bible into its five major areas. You get the historical and then you have the wisdom and the prophetic literature and then the Gospels and then all the letters. And anytime the word Father, when I could smell it, I studied all the passages and had all these papers. And all I wanted to ask was two questions. One, what's the role of a dad according to God? Who is he to be? And second, what's the responsibility?

What's he to do? And then I thought, because of my background, I did some work in psychology, I thought, I wonder what the world thinks. And so as I did that over here, I did the psychological and sociological research and it was early on. They were just beginning to study fathers because most people back then basically said, fathers don't do much. I mean, they provide some genetic material, but families do well without them or with them.

It's not a big deal. But emerging, they begin to see three areas, the father's role in moral development, the father's role in developing sexual identity of a child, and the father's role in a kid's self-image. And so I did the literature review and I took what I learned here and what the Bible said and then I said, where did these line up?

Because this wasn't academic. I got three boys. I got a great dad. He loved me with all of his heart. His dad died when he was 13. He was in the Marines by the time he was 16.

He loved me, but he didn't have a clue about how to communicate it. And no one was Christians. My wife's family weren't Christians. We're first-generation Christians. I was just like Scott, the testimony you heard. And I'm thinking, I want to raise my boy's God's way.

I don't know what it is. I want to talk about what a biblical father is. We're going to paint four quick pictures, snapshots, about what a dad is, what a father is, his role and his responsibility. Now, I put some teaching notes that I'd like you to pull out with me now.

And as you pull those out, I want to up the ante just a little. And what I mean by that is I want to up the ante in that I want to tell you why it's so vital for the health of a family to have an effective father. Because see, with the psychological research, the Bible aside, the psychological research was small then.

It's huge now. Fatherless America became a landmark book, and the last 20 percent of it is all tiny, small print of empirical research. And here's what I can tell you, dads, moms, daughters, is that the father is the primary shaper of a kid's moral values. Whether a little boy or girl learns right from wrong, the father has the primary role. Second, in the sexual identity of a little boy or a little girl growing up in a home, the father is the primary influencer of whether a little girl feels safe and knows what it means to be feminine, or if a little boy knows what it means to be masculine. The research indicates that in terms of self-image, it's about 50-50, mom and dad. Now, the given is that mothers have this incredible nurturing bond, and I think the most influential person in any child's life, by and large, will be their mother. But in our day and in our world, people have said, fathers don't matter.

The research actually says just the opposite. Second question to up the ante is this. Why is it so hard for us as dads to be effective fathers? I mean, us regular guys, I mean, I'm talking about us chickens in here, people who say, I love God, I've had an experience with Christ, I'm born again, I'm forgiven, the Spirit of God lives in me, I've got the manual. Why is it so hard? Let me give you three or four reasons that you might want to jot down. Number one, most of us, not all, most of us never had a model. It's really hard to paint a picture or to draw a picture when you have no idea what it ought to look like. There's not many people that I say, hey, what's a great father look like? And they say, let me show you, man, here's my wallet.

This is what it looks like, it's my dad. Most men can't tell me that. The second thing is I call cultural confusion. In the last 30, 40 years especially, we've entered a time where the role of a man has been minimized, his importance has been minimized, and his value has been minimized. I mean, we've got a lot of people today saying, you know what, we don't need you at all now.

We can take your genetic material, we can put it in a test tube, we can pull this whole thing off without you guys. And yet every major societal issue in America, the greatest, you ready for this? Research of fatherless America. The greatest predictability of whether a son or a daughter growing up in America lives in poverty is whether they have a father at home engaged and active. If not, the chances are five times greater they'll end up in poverty. The greatest predictability factor of the welfare of whether kids get on drugs, whether they end up in prison, whether they get pregnant before they're married or pregnant someone before they're married, or whether they end up in juvenile hall is not race, it's not economics, and it's not geography.

The single clearest indicator is the presence or absence, are you ready for that? Of an engaged, caring, loving father. Now guys, do I have your attention? Your kids need you because I got news for you. Men, when we have done our thing and we've busted it, the people that we'll want around the table and the relationship that will matter most will not be from our work world, and it won't be your athletic prowess, and by then people won't care how much money you've made or what you drive or where you live, but you want to look into the eyes of some grown adult children that say, hey dad, you had your struggles just like I have mine, but am I glad you were my dad?

Right? Open your teaching notes with me and let's dig in, and here's how we're going to approach it. I'm going to give you a pretty clear overview and outline and I've designed these notes, are you ready ladies? These are for your husband. You can take notes, but these are for your husband. These notes are not to be used for elbow nudging later, not to be left out on the table with highlighted marks like you could use work here, or this is what meant a lot to me.

We don't do that, okay? These notes are for men here whose God says I love you and I know it's hard to be a dad and it's really tough. I want to empower you. These notes are designed so you can say, okay, here's the four roles and here's the four key responsibilities and I need to be able to think this through and I need it clear and I need it logical, so give me a definition, give me a classic passage, tell me what are the questions I need to ask, tell me where my focus needs to be, give me some how to's and then summarize it and say I am a steward of my family in this area in one sentence and I'll get away and I'll talk with God and I'll ponder and I'll do what he shows me. That's who they're designed for and so with that, men, your number one role in your family, according to the Bible and the best psychological research, he is a leader. He's a leader. Now I had this really long, really cool definition.

People who work with words like me, I spend a lot of time alone, I write out these definitions and I had this really long, cool definition and then it was going to be like he assumes the authority and responsibility of the overall protection of welfare before God to help protect, provide and help them reach their full potential and it was really, really, really long and I hang out in this little coffee shop where I study and I share it with both believers and unbelievers. We're kind of buddies now and they looked at me and said, man, that's a lousy definition. I said, well, how come? He said, I don't know what you're talking about, number one. I can't remember at number two.

So guys, are you ready? This one's for you. Here's what a leader is. He makes things happen. That's what you do, man.

You make things happen. Classic passage. Listen to 1 Corinthians chapter 4 verses 14 to 16. Paul's going to pick a metaphor of the father and the role of the father to express his relationship with this church where he led these people to Christ. Notice, men, the role of leadership. He says, I don't write these things to you to shame you but to admonish you as my beloved children.

Notice the heart. For if you have countless tutors in Christ, yet you would not have many fathers for in Christ Jesus, I became your father through the gospel. In other words, they came to Christ and they started to grow and then everyone's telling this Corinthian church, you ought to do this, you ought to believe this, you ought to do this, you ought to do that and Paul writes this letter to straighten out some problems. He says, you're going to have people forever kind of being your tutors. He said, I'm your spiritual dad. I care more than other people care. Now notice as he picks up the metaphor of father, what his expectation is.

Look at his application. I exhort you therefore be imitators of me. Speed of the leader is speed of the team. The apostle Paul says, see, long before Bandura did his research and told us that modeling is the greatest way of socialization and impact or education, Jesus kind of had this down. Remember what Jesus said in Luke 6.40? A learner, a disciple when he's fully trained will be just like his teacher. Whether you like it or not, men, whether I like it or not, your kids are going to turn out a scary, ridiculously amount just like you. And so the greatest impact you can have on them is do what? Be the kind of person you want them to become. And so Paul could say now, am I perfect? No.

He said, but as I follow Christ with my ups and downs and I shoot it straight with you, be imitators of me. Men, you know what a leader does? They make things happen. The first way you make things happen is you be the kind of person you want your kids to become. Questions leaders ask to make that happen are very simple.

And guys, think about right now your work. Leaders are always asking consciously or unconsciously three questions. Where are we now? One, two, where do we need to go?

Three, what must we do to get there? When's the last time you said to yourself, dad, okay, picture in your mind your four-year-old, your seven-year-old, your 13-year-old, your 19-year-old, your 28-year-old. Because see what I've learned about this parenting stuff, your role completely changes.

You never get out of the job. Right? And now you say, where are they now? Where is my child spiritually or intellectually, emotionally, physically? Where do they need to go? Clear target, vision and values. Then strategy. What do I need to impart? What do I need to do?

What do I need to model to help my little boy or not so little boy or girl become all God wants them to be? And you say to yourself, wow, never thought of it quite like that. Oh, yes, you have. You think that way every day.

Right? When you go to work. How many of you men go to work? You're trying to build a company. You're doing a construction site. You say, gosh, let's have a building here. This is a nice place. What kind of building?

Oh, it doesn't matter. Let's just bring some wood in and we'll start nailing it together and a building will come up. Let's build a company. Well, what's your, who's your market audience? What's your strategy? How are you going to get there? Oh, I don't know.

Let's just hire a lot of people, give them a good compensation plan and I'm sure something will come out of it. What do you do, guys? One of my donut shop buddies, he just, he said the lights came on. And as I, as far as I know, he's not in God's family yet. Great guy.

I mean a good friend. And he told me, he said, I work in the landscape industry. He said, when you said to bring the same focus and intensity to my family that I, that I do to my job, he said, man, the lights came on. He said, before I landscape, I look at it and I decide, okay, what kind of plants, where am I going to put them? Where am I going to do the irrigation? Where does the sun come up? What kind of plants, what season will I use?

Which plants? He said, I plan and plan and plan and plan before I ever do anything. And he said, I got, I got to pay some.

I have never in my life thought that way about my family. Where are we now? Where do we need to go?

What do I need to do to get there? So you know what leaders do? The focus of a leader is objectives. A leader's asking, are we hitting the target? Men, let me ask you, what's the target you have for your son? What's the target you have for your daughter? Wherever they're at, whatever stage, what's the target? See, unconsciously what we do is we, we don't make a clear target.

We don't know what it is. And so the world shapes your target. Can I give you the target according to God? Your goal is for your boy, your girl, your teen, your young adult to become like Jesus.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The message you just heard is part of Chip's series Portrait of a Father. These messages are a response to the pervasive problem of fatherlessness. An increasing number of kids are growing up without a dad, or worse, a father who's present in the home but emotionally uncaring and spiritually checked out. The fact is many men don't know how to be the dad their kids need. If you want help being a better father, don't miss a single part of this series. Chip will break down four biblical roles only a father can fill. It doesn't matter if you've been a dad for decades or you're brand new to fatherhood, these lessons are vital.

To check out the resource options and pricing information for Portrait of a Father, go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003 or click on special offers on the Chip Ingram app. Well Chip, for the next few programs you're talking straight to dads. I know often our listeners like to hear what prompted you to create a series, and this one I know is near and dear to your heart.

Dave, absolutely. In fact, you know, sometimes I'm just teaching through a series, teaching through a book, and that's where the series comes out of. And other times it comes out of a huge or profound need. And this is one of those times many people who know my story know that I married a wonderful woman named Teresa who had two small children, both of which I got to adopt. And what I realized was I didn't know how to be a husband, but I didn't have a clue about how to be a dad. And so I was in seminary shortly after we got married.

That's a whole other story about whether you should go to seminary six months after you just get married with two kids. But they were tiny little toddlers, and when I came to the point where I had to write my thesis for seminary, I thought this huge project, I have to do it on something that I'll stay motivated on. And I thought to myself, what's the biggest need in my life? And I thought the biggest need in my life is I don't know how to be a dad.

I had a dad that was a good man but wasn't a Christian, a pretty hardcore guy, as a young man in the Marine Corps, came out of a very challenging situation, World War II, really damaged from the war, and was a functioning alcoholic. And I thought, I want to be a godly dad. I want to be the kind of dad God wants me to be, but I don't know how.

And so for my thesis, I wrote it on the role and responsibility of the father in transmitting values in the family. And what I did is I went through the entire Bible. Anytime it said anything about fathering or parenting, I looked up every verse and I categorized them. And I looked at what's a dad to be and what's a dad to do. And then the second part of it, because of my background, I looked at all the kind of the social literature on what are the kind of environments in which kids grow and what was sort of the best psychology.

And I wanted to pair those things together and see how God's truth and some of the best research came out. And out of that came a portrait of a father. And in this series, you're going to hear the four specific roles that the Bible says, Dad, this is your job. And then we're going to learn exactly how to do it. And I have to tell you, you can't do it alone.

I did it very imperfectly. But I look back now many, many years, and if there's a gift I could give to every dad in the world, it would be understanding the portrait of a father, how to be the dad that your kids so desperately need. Well, our prayer is this series will bless you dads listening and also be a helpful resource for anyone wanting to build a healthy family. In addition to these messages, CHIPS released a brand new book that builds on the four roles of a father he's talking about. It's called Portrait of a Father, How to be the Dad Your Child Needs. It's a short, easy read that emphasizes the critical responsibility of every dad in the lives of their kids. With Father's Day just around the corner, now is a great time to get your hands on this new book. Whether it's for yourself, a dad you know, or a dad-to-be, you'll find the details for Portrait of a Father at LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. And here's the deal, if you want to order this book for all the guys in your small group or church, we've discounted CHIPS' new book so you can order as many as you need.

Just go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. Well, here's Chip with a few final thoughts from this message. We've just begun a brand new series called The Portrait of a Father. And we started today and I read a quote by a fellow named David Blankenhorn in Fatherless America.

Listen carefully to it one more time. Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society. It is also the engine that is driving our most urgent social problems from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence against women. Yet, despite its scale and social consequences, fatherlessness is a problem that is frequently ignored or denied. Now, that was a secular book, but I would say in the average Christian home that's true as well. We're going to spend four broadcasts together talking about The Portrait of a Father.

And what we mean by that is, what does God mean when He says Father? What's that mean for us men? And ladies, can I share something with you? We're going to share some things that your heart's going to resonate with. I mean, something inside of you is going to say, yes, yes, yes, my husband needs to hear this.

Or, oh, I longed to have that as a little girl growing up and I never got it. Will you please listen carefully and prayerfully and not say to your husband, okay, this is what you ought to be. And use this broadcast and this teaching as a hammer on your husband.

I am a man. I grew up in a home where my dad gave it his best shot. He wasn't a believer. He didn't know how to be a dad.

And you know something? Your husband is not going to get encouraged by you blasting him with what he needs to be. Now, for those of you that are men, let me talk to you very directly. This has been a real journey with me.

And I'm going to give you four snapshots of a Father. Today we looked at you as a leader. Now, what that means is that you are morally responsible for your home before God. And I ended the broadcast by saying, what would happen, now think of this, what would happen in your life, in your family, if you brought the same intensity to your home that you bring to work? I mean, those of you in construction, you know, you get up in the morning and you think, okay, we're going to frame that thing today and you got a plan and you pull the guys together. Those of you that are architects, you're thinking in your mind, you're dreaming at night about what it's going to look like.

Those in the corporate world, I mean, you know, okay, what are this quarter earnings going to be? What's our five-year plan? And you have dreams and energy and 360 reviews and you're bringing energy and focus and strategy.

Why? Because you got a clear goal. The goal of being the leader in your home is that your kids more and more become like Christ. And to get there, you have to have just as clear a game plan as a leader as you do in business or in work. Now I said there's three questions leaders have to ask and answer. Now let me be your coach, okay?

I'm not down on you. You know, this is us fellow fathers trying to get there together. Let me ask you those three questions and process it, okay? And then we'll get some real practical help in our next broadcast. Number one, where are we now? I mean, if you did a close evaluation of your family, where is it spiritually, morally? What direction? Second question, where do we need to go as a family? What would the picture look like of a positive future? And three, what must we do as a family to get there?

Can I ask you as a leader to ponder those questions and say, God, will you show me? And then don't miss our next broadcast when we'll talk about the role of father as priest in your home. As we wrap up, I want to say thanks to those who make this program possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs, purchase airtime, and develop additional resources to help Christians live like Christians. Now, if you've been blessed by the Ministry of Living on the Edge, would you consider sending a gift today? You can call us at 888-333-6003, tap the donate button, or donate online at livingontheedge.org. Your support is greatly appreciated. We'll join us next time as we continue our series Portrait of a Father. For Chip and the entire team, I'm Dave Druey, saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.