Keeping Love Alive - Connecting - How to Multiply Your Joy, Part 2

Most marriages don't break apart.

They drift apart. Relationships need connection to stay healthy and alive. Today we're going to learn how to create connection and experience real joy that keeps your marriage alive. Stay with me.

Do Christians really live like Christians? I'm Dave Drouy. In this program, Chip continues his series, Keeping Love Alive. Now we're right in the middle of it, so if you've missed any of the previous messages, they're all available online at livingontheedge.org or on the Chip Ingram app. His message notes are also there, so you can see Chip's outline and follow along as you listen. Now in this program Chip's picking up where he left off, he's already given us the first principle of connecting, which is you can't give supernatural love if you're not personally connected to Jesus, who's the unlimited source of love. Now he's going to move on to the second principle, so open your Bible to John chapter 15. Now let's join Chip for part two of his message, Connecting, How to Multiply Your Joy. Second is connection is built on communication.

Right? My words abide in you and you abide in my word. Connection is built on faithfulness and obedience. He that keeps my commandments, he that loves me. If you abide in my love, just as I abide in my Father's love.

And then I think he used this picture for a reason. Communication takes time. You've got to be faithful and you've got to respond. You have to talk.

You have to listen. And it's not just with the Father. Now this is with our mates. You can't microwave a relationship. There's just no substitute for time. And it's not time where you're multitasking.

It's not time when ESPN is on or someone's watching the news or it's not time when both people are semi on their phone. It's time where all of you is focused on all of him or all of her and the goal is to connect. And if you don't connect, if you don't abide, then what do you do?

You drift. And part of the deep sense in your soul where you feel a together, it's a sense of we are going through life. It's a sense of strength. It's a sense of can't you have great joy in the midst of even challenges when you really feel like you're in it together?

Haven't you been through that? And circumstances can be great and yet you're not connected and still life isn't working. Connecting is about renewing your heart. And we live in a world filled with drift and distractions.

What's the plan to stay connected? Well, the key I think is communication. Third principle is joy is the fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ and with one another. And I will tell you, it'll sustain you. I've been through lots of ups and downs in our life and ministry ups and downs and betrayals and difficulties. And Teresa and I, eight or nine years ago, went through cancer together that she went through. And I can tell you, when you're connected to God and you're connected to one another, you can go after a radiation treatment and pull up to a Starbucks and get a cup of coffee and then get one little of those oatmeal cookies and let them heat it up and break it in half. And you can sit in the car together and you can share it and she can be absolutely exhausted and you cannot know is this going to work or not.

And you can think I'm the luckiest blessed man in the life and I don't know how many more days or months or years I'm going to have with her. But I love her so much and it was easy to cancel every speaking engagement for the year. It was easy to tell the person that I was supposed to write a book that, guess what? You want the money back from the advance?

You can have the money back. I'm not going to write a book. I'm not going to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with her. And we're going to go to every appointment together. And I would never want to go through it again, but I will tell you in the midst of that difficulty and that pain, there was a love that we experienced and a connection because you really, when you start thinking I may not have this person very long, I'll tell you what, it changes how you think, it changes how you talk, it changes how you think about.

I'll tell you what, you want a little exercise? Pretend your mate has cancer and has about 60 or 90 days to live and treat them like you only have 60 or 90 more days with them. That will shake up your relationship. I remember reading about a lady who was having a marriage. Her husband was a type A, very busy, pretty insensitive business guy and she had tried different ways, classic ways to we need to spend more time together and we need to do this and we need to do that and the nagging wasn't working. And so she had read something about winning your husband without a word from 1 Peter chapter 3 and so she decides we're going to go on vacation that for a whole week she's just going to try this absolutely counterintuitive of loving her husband in ways in his love language. And so she does it day one, day two, day three, you know, and he usually does certain things that she's, you know, hey we came all the way here and you want to go do that? And she goes, oh no, that's great.

And so she goes through the whole thing. They get to day six and they're ready to go home and he said, honey, we need to talk. And she got, oh my gosh, I wonder what's wrong? And he said, is everything okay? And she said, well, why? He said, well, you know, I know you saw the doctor a couple weeks or so before, you know, our vacation.

I mean, are you going to die? And she goes, no. He goes, well, you've been treating me in such a way like I thought maybe you thought you were going to die and were just being super good to me. And she tells the story that the lights came on and what he realized was, how have I missed this in our relationship for so long? You know what it is? It's connection. Ask yourself, what is keeping you disconnected from your mate? For men, it's often your work. For women, it's often your children. And for all of you, it's often your phone and your laptop and your Netflix and your filling your life with things to medicate your loneliness.

It can be hobbies. Because, you know, if you're going to be really connected, that means you're going to have to let someone see who you are and what's really going on. And it's taken me decades to realize being open and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately opened the door for other people to realize there's hope for all of us. But that's got to begin in your marriage. That's got to begin with being said, you know, I know I'm not the husband I need and ought to be, but I want to change. I know I'm not the wife that I need and ought and want to be, and I want to change. And then not using that as a hammer later to say, you said you wanted to change and realize it's a process. Here's the key. Focus on how do we get connected at a deeper level?

Practical implications. Our personal walk with God is critical to great marriage. That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you want to have a great marriage, go vertical first. Whatever you need to do to walk closely with God, be in His word, have some men in your life or some women in your life, some accountability, some fellowship, some encouragement. Is communication skill and practice is the key to a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate. And it's a skill and you have to practice it. And third, the connection is of the mind, the body, the emotions, and the spirit.

And so in other words, you have to learn to intellectually communicate. You have to learn to have spiritual connection. You have to learn to have emotional connection, and then you have to figure out ways to have regular bodily connection. There's something very powerful that God has made when a man and a woman make love that build a bond and a communication of a nonverbal type that does something in your heart.

But if the others aren't a part of it, a woman normally will feel used instead of being connected and loved and cherished. And so let me give you two or three tools to begin to build deeper and deeper connection. The first is what I'm going to call the conference, and it's just a communication skill.

And this is one of those that I paid a lot of money for that I'm going to give to you for free. Therese and I, I think in our early marriage counseling, we'd have at least two or three of these conferences a week, and then it got to be a pattern of how we would talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate, and we could not resolve conflict. And she was a stuffer, and if she had issues, she would stuff it. And guess what happens to people who stuff their emotions? They get depressed. And I was a verbalizer, so I just frustrated her all the time. I would walk around the bed at night saying, the sun can't go down until we resolve this conflict, and quote verses to her, and she would put her head over her pillow and just think, who is this wild man that I married?

He's a nut, which was absolutely true. So here's how it works. This is how I learned it. We come in, we're the leaders, so we start. So imagine, in my case, Therese is sitting across from me. You guys will have to lean in, you make eye contact, body language is, I'm actually listening, and I say to Therese, what are you concerned about? And then, I actually do this literally in some cases, but we won't do it literally.

I put a piece of duct tape over my mouth. I cannot respond. I can say anything else. Now, you're the woman, here's the deal. Whatever you're concerned about, it doesn't have to be all serious.

Anything that comes to your mind. I'm concerned about our finances. I'm concerned that we don't have a long-term plan. I'm concerned about that boy our daughter's dating, I don't feel good about him.

I'm concerned that I feel so tired, I think something might be wrong. I'm concerned that you don't seem to like your job anymore. Anything that comes to your mind, okay? And men, here's what we do. You're not going to fix anything. Nothing. Now, what you'll find is the first time, this could go a little bit long, and your wife will probably have more words than you, but that's okay. Then, ladies, he takes the duct tape off, and you look in his eyes and say, what are you concerned about?

And guys, here's the non-option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. And you know what? Open your mouth. You know, I'm concerned about that boy too, now that you think about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all of her concerns. Could you just be honest?

She is dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns you. You know, I'm concerned that since my ACL, I can't do what I used to do.

I can't play sports the way I used to. I'm concerned that my best buddy is getting deployed, and I know what that is like there, and I'm really concerned about it. I'm concerned about whatever. Whatever comes to your concern, I'm concerned about our marriage. I'm concerned I'm not the man I want to be. I'm concerned whatever it is, okay?

Next question. You look at your wife, duct tape replaced. By the way, ladies, when he's talking, duct tape. We don't need, oh, that's so bad, I'm so sorry, I'll take care of you.

You know, just listen. Then, what do you wish? And by the way, you don't have to keep it so serious. Well, I wish we'd win the lotto. I wish we'd go to Hawaii next week. I wish that boy didn't date our daughter. I wish we could have more talks like this.

I wish we would have a retreat like this once a year. I mean, literally, if there was a little, you know, one of those lamps, and you could wish and you could have it, just say it, whatever it is. And then we switch it, and the man gets to do that, and then you get the last question. And as a man, you say to her, what are you willing to do? That's the third question. Now, here's the rule. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything. But here's, and then you ask him, what are you willing to do?

My first time is, I was so angry and so hurt. Here's the line. I'm willing to have another one of these conferences. That's all I'm willing to do right now, because there's just too much built up. And here's what this does. You realize the average couple talks, but says words and rarely gets into one another's hearts, because it's about kids, it's about logistics, it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing. You end up, if you share your concerns, you're getting to hear, without interruption, all the things that are weighing the heart of the person that you love and committed your life to. And then you get to hear things that would put some wind in their sails, that would lift them up and with courage in them. And then, looking at all of their burdens and looking what would give them a lift, you have the opportunity, and you don't have to do it, because it's a free act of will. You could lift a tiny burden if you wanted to do, or you could give a little lift.

And what happened is, you've actually communicated. I'll never forget, early on in this, she was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework and their math, and it's so difficult, and this and this and that, and I feel overwhelmed. And I remember saying, I mean, I was there like, okay, I'm willing to take over all the math of all of our kids of all of their homework. I like math, it's really easy, it comes good to me. My dad was a math teacher, are you kidding me?

I had no idea, I had no idea that that was weighing her down. So I took that, and boy, their world changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it, do it again. But dad, you know what, do it again.

They all got very good in math. And you know what she told me later? She goes, I just felt so loved.

Well, I didn't even know it was weighing her down. And so we'd do like a couple of these or sometimes three a week, I mean, to this day, sometimes we'll feel a little disconnected, and we did it for years and years and years and years, and we'll know we want to reconnect when we're driving in the car, and she might turn to me and go, so what are you concerned about? And I realize, okay, yeah, we probably need to do this, you know? And it's a great tool, and I would just encourage you. It's about setting a new trajectory. It's about going into training.

You start communicating like this on a regular basis, and I'm going to tell you, you're going to hear hurts and things that you didn't know about, and you'll have the opportunity to come in and express love in ways that are really meaningful, and here's what's going to happen. This, then this, then this, then this. And is it going to be a little threatening? Well, yeah. And by the way, okay, there's a couple rules to this. Someone wrote me after I taught this and said, well, what do you do if you share all your concerns and my partner's not coming in and stepping in and taking care of all the concerns?

Well, you know what? It's a communication exercise. If you share all these things with the expectation that if they don't respond the way you want them to, guess who's still trying to control the relationship? I mean, this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21, you might jot it down. This is how you change your mate. The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it whatever way he wishes.

Okay? In other words, the most powerful people in the world, if you want to change someone over here, you talk to the king who can change that heart. So if I can't get through to her, and she will tell you the way she got through to me was like this, up to God, down to me.

Because my heart and your mate's heart and her heart are in the hand of God, and you can ask God to speak to them. And this little communication device is going to be very helpful. Let me give you one more tool. I just call it the care list.

And so here's the question. This one is not in your notes, but you might want to write it on the back or something. It's really simple. It's I feel most loved when you... And what I want you to do is list three things. I feel most loved when you call me for no reason. When you initiate making love. When you take out the trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually.

When you don't nag me, but encourage me to get some time away with my buddies when I really need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when you list your top three, okay? As a man, don't show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your top three.

And then here's the assignment. You take your list of your top three and you give it to your husband. You take your list of top three and you give it to your wife. And now, you know what? We all wonder, how do I really love my mate? Well, she just told you. Line him up, knock him down. So this week, you know what?

I know the top three things. I'm going to do one of those things in the next seven days for my wife or for my husband this week. Well, I don't feel like it. Tough.

Jesus didn't feel like going to the cross. He went. Love is a choice, right? So now we're back to, now I've got a game plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways and I'm going to hear her heart or I'm going to hear his heart and we're going to go on a journey because guess what now? Now I know how to serve. I know what we need to plan about because now I know where the weights and the hurts are and I know where the joys would be. And so now I know the top three things that make them feel loved and I'm just going to make a plan to do that.

Got it? According to Jesus, he who has ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by that is, are you going to act on what I have just said and trust me to the point of obeying me? And if you do, I will show up in your life.

And if you don't, even the truth you think you have is going to get taken away. So I think you guys are going to act on it and you're going to see God work. Chip's going to be back with his application but just a reminder, this message, Connecting, How to Multiply Your Joy, is from his series, Keeping Love Alive, four biblical practices great marriages have in common. For each of these four practices, Chip gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true, practical implications of what those principles look like in the day to day, and then very specific tools to get this practice into action.

In classic Chip fashion, he unfolds the roadmap to give you clear directions each step of the way. If you want to hear how to deepen your love, strengthen your hope, multiply your joy, and restore your peace, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to dig into this series and integrate what you'll learn for the long haul. You'll be hard pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage.

For a limited time, resources for Keeping Love Alive are discounted and the MP3s are always free. And to order your copy or to send it to a friend, visit us online at livingontheedge.org or tap Special Offers on the app. For additional information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003. Well, Chip, before you talk about the teaching, you have another thought? I'd like to ask you a favor. I'd like you to really think about has Living on the Edge ministered to you? And if so, I'd like to bring a biblical principle to your attention. The scripture says that when you're ministered to spiritually, we have a responsibility to financially support and so I hope first and foremost you're doing that at your local church. Secondly, if Living on the Edge is a spiritual ministry in your life, you listen, maybe you've downloaded the app, maybe you've done a small group, but you're like me.

You know, I watch things or hear things or I benefit from things and I just unconsciously think somehow, some way, someone else is taking care of it. And so I would bring to your attention if you're benefiting from the ministry, I'd like to ask you to give financially to the ministry. However much God leads you, it might be a little, it might be a lot, but I would like you today to say, God, do you want me to help Living on the Edge continue to help Christians live like Christians?

And if the answer is yes, ask Him how much and just do whatever He says. Thank you very much for whatever God leads you to do. If Living on the Edge is ministering to you and you want to be part of ministering to others across America and around the world, today would be a great day to join the team. Now to give a gift, just go to livingontheedge.org or tap donate on the app. If you'd rather give us a call, the number here is 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003. On behalf of Chip and the staff here at Living on the Edge, thank you for your prayers and your financial support. As we close today's program, you know, I was just thinking, I wonder if Home Depot or Ace Hardware or maybe some of these stores where you just go in and buy duct tape, wouldn't it be exciting if, like, they just ran out? That literally thousands, tens of thousands of you all listening to my voice would say, I'm going to do that conference. I'm going to ask those three questions. What are you concerned about? What do you wish?

What are you willing to do? And then I'm literally going to put duct tape over my mouth and I'm going to lean forward, make eye contact, and then I'm going to really, really listen. What I want you to know, as funny as that sounds, in about 15 minutes, maybe 20, you will hear more of your mates' burdens, their dreams, and a specific way to love them than talking for hours and hours. You know, we get lots of emails and letters of people's lives that are hurting and breaking apart, and we pray as a staff every single day, and so many of the prayers are around marriages that have drifted or struggles or affairs or problems. But I have to tell you, we also get lots of emails and letters where people say to us, you know, we went through the marriage that works or that series on experiencing God's dream for your marriage, and we have to tell you, our marriages come back together. Christ is the center of it. It's completely healed.

It's better than ever before. So here's my plea. Please do not simply listen to this. You have to do it. You have to actually do this conference. Put it on the calendar at least once a week for the next three or four weeks. Three simple questions, block off a half hour or 45 minutes away from everyone else, and then jot me a note, chip at livingontheedge.org, and let me know how it goes. You know, an easy way to share Chip's messages is with the Chip Ingram app. With just a couple of taps, any message you choose is on its way to your friend, someone in your family, or on social media to help others who could benefit from the truth of Scripture and its encouragement. And don't forget to include a quick note about how it made a difference in your life. We'll be with us again next time when Chip continues his series, Keeping Love Alive. Until then, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .