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March 2, 2021 5:00 am
We all make mistakes, intermarriages, big ones and little ones we say hurtful things we act in unkind ways we create walls between us and the one we pledge to love till death do us part when all that happens. How do you resolve failure and restore peace that's working to talk about. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edge features the Bible to report on this international discipleship program and friendship series called keeping the love alive is walking us through the four biblical practices.
The great marriages seven, we've already covered three of the practices of wisdom that are available online. LivingontheEdge.org forum at your finger map in this program he introduces us to the fourth practice, which is the most difficult one is also the one that allows you to persevere with confidence when everything around the two of you seems to be falling apart, but stringent now for his message forgiving. How to restore your piece from John chapter 21 as we get started on ask you to answer a question not out loud for sure on this one but I want you to think honestly and very deeply what is something in your past or in your present that you're ashamed of something you'd rather no one know about or ever find out about or at best.
Maybe the closest most trusted friends in the world, but no one else. Something that would embarrass you, others found out about it, something that if you thought someone even your mate might notice that they would have a lesser opinion. We all have some things like that and we spent an ordinance amount of energy, putting them in boxes and categorizing them and pushing them down in denying them in pretending they're not there and then in certain times in certain ways, for they come rushing back over us called shame. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior or listen carefully or regrettable, unfortunate situation or action. My father was in his 80s and still having nightmares from quantity Regina talked about his closest brothers falling on his right left is 16 1/2 when he went in but is it an athlete, strong mom sign for him because that's what you do defend your country.
So again the 50 caliber machine gun and on the islands that season. It was better to die than to go home and shame.
He said we would dig a trench, a big arc 75.
Sometimes 100 yards. The Japanese would rush us and was like I mowed grass all day. I killed thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of people.
He got hit. The only reason he made it out, but he made it out and those he loved, and those who had his back, didn't he lived with the guilt of the adjuster for but it can be a just war, but when you kill people and you're not made to kill people does something to you that people don't understand when you have the guilt that why did I get to come home and others didn't. It does something to you that it's hard to express so he found he felt a little bit better by his numbing of choice. Unresolved anger's Fears, he came to know Jesus Christ in his mid to late 50s he began to renew his mind but he never never got those things out in the open, never fully dealt with them and lived with nightmares until the last years a guy. He had a combination of guilt and shame and confusion. It's not a surprise that he didn't ever tell me or any of his children that he loved them he couldn't verbalize it. Get a hard time expressing us.
If you can't give away something you don't have that he loved me. Of course were there actions that he showed me.
Yes, in fact, all of his desire to want to be successful with him expressing love, but the way got translated was, no matter what I did it. Just need to be able to better your forays into the let's work on the be you went to for four head inside pitch curveball. You can't step out. That's why he ground out, you know. So no matter what it was always but it was his wound week. We have shame for three major reasons. According to the experts.
One is a theological reason is were all we all have shame. The fall member after sin. What did Adam do what it Avenida do they hit and we've been all hiding ever since you don't have to go to work to hide from your shame when you're naked not mean just physically I mean when you're naked and and you see who you really are or anyone else sees who you really are not what we portray, not how we act not how we cover it not our sophistication and all of our defense mechanisms but the real you. The parts of you that you know are not right you hide, but it gets worse, because it's not just shame that we inherit from the fall but it's shame from things done to us. And isn't it a weird thing over and over and over and as you can tell kids forever that all it's not your fault.
Kids who go through divorce. Blame themselves, women and children that are abused blame themselves. People that are rejected unfairly at shame and then there's the third level of shame. It's things that we do their fair the addiction explosive anger, the cheating when you're the abuser, crime, jail, prison, the abortion list can go on.
Some of you have found yourselves in places and doing things that you hope no one you can't stand to look at it, let alone the thought of anybody else.
So the response of this fundamental imprint on your soul that you don't measure up that there's something wrong with you that your deficient your flawed that your damage your unacceptable you're unlovable that you're dirty that you rejected that your inferior that your broken and in times in your worst moment where you feel like you're disgusting is about three natural responses sponsor number one is to hide response number two is to numb the pain and it can be alcohol porn multiple partners. Prescription drugs work ministry and the others to compensate all proved to myself and others somehow I can come out and workaholism were some way that you can approve and somehow balance the scales in do good for all the things that are hidden inside. It's interesting some some of the questions.
Here's a question. Why do I clam up when things go wrong, sometimes for weeks and ignore her and all the problems. Why is a shame. Your frozen or paralyzed and it here's what I want to tell you it's one thing to be forgiven and I think most of you. I pray all of you have come to the point where whatever you've done and whatever you've recognized you've come to a living God and said I know I don't measure up. I want to trust fully what Christ did on the cross for me and he paid for my sin and I receive that free gift, and have invited them into my life, but there's a difference between being forgiven and being restored.
There's a lot of people who have been legally forgiven, your sins are forgiven, but you live as a second-class citizen or your numbing yourself or you have walls between you and your mate and other people. Everything was just something about my dad that you can get so close and then it was just as it intimacy was just couldn't do it is probably my mid to late 30s. I Will long for the equivalent of my dad to put his arm around me and I finally came to conclusion that something happened in the war and he got a compound fracture and the put in a cast and that's what he had. He just couldn't do it. He was unable to literally give love because he never address that and you know what he never knew. Can I tell you this isn't something that's just modern warfare or or the shame of people that have been abused or people would abused others are all the rest. At the heart is a sense of betrayal where you have betrayed someone or you betrayed your conscience you betrayed God and it's not an accident that when you read John chapter 21 Peter shortly.
The day of the resurrection. Jesus did a quick one on one with him. He walked in a room with Peter and the disciples there and I'm sure he looked Peter in the eye. Yes, you betrayed me you did it publicly, you are arrogant and I think he got forgiveness, but he didn't get restoration he had this so I understand this up here but my life's a mess.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't think I got anything going for anymore shame was never dealt with in in John chapter 21 Jesus sets up a unique situation to help Peter go from being simply forgiven to be restored.
Because here's the thing you can't forgive and connect with other people, unless you forgive and get restored yourself.
So open your Bibles to John chapter 21 and as you do, let me give you the context Jesus has appeared now twice officially to all the disciples they were commanded to go wait for him in Galilee. Think about it it's familiar, it's safe, it's the home to a number of the disciples. It's where many of them were called. It's where they were called into ministry to follow Jesus, Peter, like many of us is not very good at waiting. We know from Luke 24 that he's had an encounter with Jesus, and I can't imagine Jesus not forgiving him in that moment, but he's still the leader because he decides it. You know what I don't know what to do with my life. So I'm going at this is what we all do. I'm than a default back to what I know. Under pressure we all default back to where were comfortable and what we know so he basically says I'm gonna go fishing and the six other guys mild you're going to guess will go with you.
We pick up the story.
John 21 afterward Jesus appeared and again to his disciples by the Sea of Tiberius that's Galilee that happened in this way, Simon Peter, Thomas called didymus Nathaniel from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, James and John and two other disciples were together. I'm going to go out and fish. Simon Peter told him he said will go with you.
So they went out and got to the boat, but that night they caught nothing early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize it was him.
He called out to them friends. Have you any fish literally the world is his labs or or or children. It's a term of affection by someone a bit older and a bit wiser know the answer, he said throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some when they did, they were unable to haul in the net because of the large number of fish. Then the disciple whom Jesus loved. John said to Peter, it is the Lord and as soon as Peter heard them say it is the Lord.
He wrapped his outer garment around him, for he taken it off and he jumped into the water and the other disciples followed in the boat pulling the full net of fish, for they were not far from the shore, about 100 yards when they landed they saw a fire of burning coals with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus said to them, bring some of the fish that you caught Simon Peter climbed aboard and dried the net ashore, it was full of large fish hundred and 53. But even with so many the net did not break Jesus said to them, have breakfast, none of the disciples dared to ask him who are you, for they knew it was the Lord Jesus came took the bread, gave it to them did the same with the fish.
This is now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he been raised from the dead. No notice. First of all, Peter has gone back to where he's comfortable dealing with thought life the only way he knows how Jesus picks an opportune time and is going to have a conversation. Notice the conversation doesn't start with a let's go deep right now. You does anybody remember when Peter was called the experience of the head is sufficient memory so now about and Jesus uses boat to preach a message, and after he preaches the message member last time he had fished all night and got nothing and it was a time when you can catch fish and he said just go a little bit lower unit member. What happened was overwhelmed full with fish. You think this is lost on Peter. This is like I've seen this movie before. This is when Jesus called me to follow him and then he pulled it remember what he did. He left his nets and the following think it's an accident that he's he saying she, Peter, unless you go back and relive part of the journey of when I called you and who you were. Then you not can build or reassess this new journey, so he does the same thing.
What's the message there hey I understand that Peter and I understand the Peter who betrayed me in my life. He didn't just this is a little betrayal mean II think in our culture, we think sexual sins worst thing the world betrayal is by far, far worse than sexual sin.
Back at the heart of sexual sin. If you do it against your mate is not been active sexualities. It's the betrayal is that the breaking of the covenant is the dissing of the person is breaking the bond and is not like Peter was just like all you know, I kinda don't know him by the third time the taxes low light blankety-blank blank.
I don't know that blank blank. That's what he said he's cussing. He's denying all and then Jesus looks over member.
This is the guy in front of his buddies. They all might dessert you not me Peter. I tell you, Jesus predicted I'm better.
I'm stronger, I got your back Jesus if I have to die all die meeting he had right. It's one thing to betray someone.
It's a lot worse when you want to pop your chest out and say everyone else might betray you, but not me and then you're the one that goes down and you member where he was one who betrayed Jesus member.
The text says there was a not just a fire but special kind of fire. Notice the text talks about the coals again. You know when he was warming his hands in that little servant girl asked him.
Can you imagine you know some of us have done some things were not proud often. You know you can almost smell where you were and you can remember certain things is an imprint like a little movie this in your mind and Jesus is re-creating he's forcing him to go back and face and engage where he'd been before where the pain was except instead of instead of the trail. What's he doing, have breakfast and for you all the fear all the arms crossed all the sense of shame you don't measure up. You're a loser.
How could you betray me. It's not that it's let's eat some fish this conversation and remember he did it in front of people right boasted in front of the disciples did you understand what he's re-creating here, not now. Psychologist and people who do work with PTSD and all this they talk about the painful dramatic necessity of going back through part of what you've been through and experiencing the grace of God in the reliving of some of those moments and long before they were experts of psychologists Jesus is walking him back through very journey but this time it's with grace.
This time it's with.
I understand this time you yes you are fallen.
Yes, you betrayed me and yes I love you and it doesn't define you, but he doesn't stop there is not enough to relive the experience. Psychologist can do that with us only thing God can do. What happens next. When they finished eating notice to special time to special place it's re-created. Can can you imagine some of you don't have to imagine that. Can you imagine what's going on in Peter's mind. I mean he's reliving is calling. He's reliving his betrayal. He's he's being treated in a way that just is.
It just so foreign. It's so unnatural and so what he doesn't deserve. He's experiencing love and communication. And then when they finished eating, Jesus said to Peter, Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these. Yes, Lord. He said you know I love you feed my lambs. Again Jesus and Simon son of John, do you truly love me and answered yes Lord you know I love you and Jesus said to care of my sheep the third time he said him, Simon son of John, do you love me Peter was hurt because he asking the third time.
Do you love me and he said Lord you know all things you know that I love you and Jesus and feed my sheep.
When he goes on to tell and I tell you the truth when you were younger you dressed yourself. You went where you wanted but when you're old you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.
Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death in which Peter would glorify God. The note don't don't miss the Lenny said to him, follow me member last time he said follow me Peter back on the team. Did you not just forgiven.
I have a purpose for you. You can't wallow in your betrayal.
You can't he just can't live with the nightmares he can't make a little compartment and somehow go back to fishing. Just try be a nice person I called you, you messed up. This was dramatic. It was difficult to relive that really go back in the past and how many times it is and I am come to questions does he get a mean you think it's accidental now. Scholars will tell you and many of you probably heard messages. It's interesting the first two times he says do you agape may do you agape me unconditional. I mean full-court press love me unconditionally and Peter answers.
You know the facts.
I love you. Do you love me and you know what you claim to be agape Peter answers, you know the facts and finally Jesus changes it to you. Phil Iommi you love me like family.
You know, when you love like family.
You mess up in families that you families are where it's safe to mess up.
Families are where we accepted one another human he says you do love me like a brother and like brothers and sisters in families.
We were going to give it our best shot and there's can be times where we let one another down.
But when we do is families you come in you own your stuff and you say, I'm so sorry and and is not an end to it and Peter. Interestingly, changes in he says you know good notes go, you know my way of experience, you look in my heart you know my journey and he said he started first with will feed my lambs.
There's a little responsibility. You can take. I want you to be to.
Are you ready I want you to be tender with what the Lamb is vulnerable. Peter I want you to know member member Peter is is you know he's the everyone else will.
But I'm member all walk out on the water. I mean this is the fiery Taipei I can make it happen and he's broken Sue's first assignment is I want you because of what you've now experienced. I want you to be vulnerable and tender with people that are vulnerable lambs want you to feed him second time, I want you to take care of my sheep. It's leadership want you to be responsible and then finally, I want you to feed my sheep.
I want you to be the kind of leader that I called you in the very beginning and that these six men that are around this fire are looking you to be and I want you to follow me with your head up because you not only forgiven your restored and that broken betrayer had to relive his moment.
The worst moment of his life but he received both truth and grace, and it brought healing inside and that's what some of you need because if you don't that wall you get so used to it, but your wife or your husband. They feel it. There like there like they keep trying to knock on the outside and get in and get in and get in and you don't use your almost oblivious. You won't let a man you won't let a man because maybe maybe you've accepted God's forgiveness. But you just feel like this imprint this shame. This picture this experience defines you, doesn't you gotta go back through that. You gotta do it in the presence of Jesus.
We go any farther. Today's broadcast I want to pause want to talk to those of you who feel exactly the way that I ended this teaching time with ashamed you won't let people in. You failed. I'm speaking to those of you that are in a crisis in your marriage. One of you has been caught with pornography or you've had an affair or you've lied to your mate and ends shame and all the emotions and the betrayal and the hurt if you could turn back the clock you would do it in a minute and you're so sorry that you feel so stuck you feel like there's no hope. I want to remind you that Peter felt exactly that same way that Jesus is modeling this is how you treat the people that you love. You don't gloss it over.
You don't pretend it didn't happen. You walk back through that process, but you walk it through with grace, with understanding with forgiveness. You need to fully and completely receive that yourself if you're the one that blew it big time.
Let me encourage you go to your pastor. Go to a really good Christian counselor and walk-through and work through this process. The Bible is filled and history is filled in my ministry of over 35 years is filled with people who blew it in such big ways but who received God's forgiveness and he actually took their mistakes and their pain and the things that were just the most regrettable and in his grace in kindness literally has the power over a journey that you walk-through to bring healing to bring restoration and you will actually find yourself in the years to come. Being a conduit of life in Christ to those who feel like there's no hope for them.
Can I encourage you in this moment cry out to God, ask for his help.
Allow your mate in get the help that you need do the hard work that it will require. But understand this your mistake cannot define you.
Failure is never final because we live with the God of unconditional love and grace that is beyond anything you can imagine, don't give up in our next broadcast argue some very, very practical and specific steps to go through this process until then God bless you and keep pressing ahead. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message for giving how to restore your piece from his series keeping love alive for biblical practices. Great marriages have in common. For each of these four practices. Chip gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true practical implications of what those principles look like in the day-to-day and then very specific tools to get this practice into action and classic chip fashion. He unfolds the roadmap to give you clear directions each step of the way you want to hear how to deepen your love strengthen your hope multiply your joy and restore your piece.
You owe it to yourself and your spouse to dig into the series and integrate what you learn for the long haul. You will be hard-pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage for limited time resources for keeping love alive are discounted and the MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call at AAA 333-6003, which are but I listen to you, today you were commencing any words now if you're actually meeting with a couple on a regular basis what curriculum would you go through with them. I mean, what would be your number one resource to help them in your sessions together will Dave after many many years being married and then counseling people. I wrote a book called marriage that works and so I then took all the truth out of them and I put them on these cards that you can review, each day, just three or four cards very small, very measurable, very specific ways to love your mate a some specific lies that we all tend to believe and we took that book and we took those cards and we made them a bundle that would be the curriculum that I would use because in that what I do.
I go over the basics but I get super practical everything from communication to meeting together to finances to even parenting issues in your marriage.
Those cards in that book come together to be the actual content.
I would use if I was personally mentoring a couple sounds like a perfect gumbo. Thanks Chip okay so let me give you that again in case you didn't catch it all with bundled chips book marriage that works with the companion resource called marriage that works truth guards know in the book represents the biblical design for marriage what God intended it to look like, what is the unique roles of men and women and how they play out in things like finances and parenting and then in the cards.
He spotlights relational lies that tend to derail marriage providing biblical truth to get us back on track. This is a powerful combination of resources that will give you the tools you need to strengthen your marriage or help you build a solid foundation before you even start to check out the discounts on his marriage that works bundle go to LivingontheEdge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at AAA 83336003 at Living on the Edge we want you to know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast here chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa echo and echo.just say Alexa open Living on the Edge and you'll hear that days extended teaching any time you want will for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave saying thanks for joining us for this edition of living all the