Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How to Develop Your Child's Full Potential, Part 1

We all have dreams for our children, but did you know that God has a dream for your child that is higher and more amazing than anything that you could ever imagine? The question is how do you cooperate with God so that His dream becomes reality in your child's life? That's today on Living on the Edge.

Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher on this international discipleship program, and I'm Dave Druey. Today Chip continues his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World by saying there's one primary thing every child needs to learn that will help fulfill that dream he just mentioned. With all the challenges out there, getting clear on that single responsibility could make your life as a parent a little more sane.

As always, Chip's going to be with us after the teaching with some additional coaching, so be sure to stay with us for that. Now with his message, how to develop your child's full potential, here's Chip. When I was a young dad, I remember I had four children, and I remember at times coming home late from a meeting or maybe being out of town, and house is quiet, and we had a small little house with real tiny bedrooms that were all one, two, three, and then ours was over here. And I could turn off the bathroom, all the lights except the bathroom light, and get just enough light. And I'd been out, and so I'd sort of gaze and see my little girl there, you know. Little girls when they sleep look like angels. Then my youngest son, he looks like he and the covers have been doing battle, you know. And then the twins were in the last bedroom, and you know sometimes when you're really sort of keyed up, you're not really quite ready to go to bed. And I had to go out, sit in a chair, and turn on a little light, and I would just think, oh God, what are you going to do in these kids?

What's their future? And then I would have this terrifying thought, and what part are we as parents supposed to play? What's my role to help them become all that you want them to be? I know you have a dream for them.

In fact your word says, I hasn't seen or ear heard or entered into the heart of man all the good that you have stored up for those that love you. And then the years went by, and all my kids got older and older, and I would have the light on, and I would sit in the chair, and I'd be ready to go to bed, and they were all out, right, you know. The teenagers are out doing their thing, and they decided, you know like 9, 30, or 10, what do you want to do tonight? The ones are away in college, and I had that same terrifying thought.

It was just a different one, like oh man, I got a sophomore in high school, I got a senior, I've got two in college. What am I supposed to do? How do I cooperate with you? Does anyone here ever share those kind of fears and feelings?

Yeah? Well we're going to talk about how to cooperate with God to develop your child's full potential. God does have a dream.

He has a plan. He's got a plan for all the world, but He has a plan for every one of your children and mine. If you'll open your notes, we're going to look at five specific keys, and I just want to warn you, we have been inundated with thoughts and culture about what we ought to do as parents, because we care and we want to raise our kids well, but what you're about to hear is God's agenda, and often it's counter to what a lot of us have been told. And for those of us like myself that I didn't grow up as a Christian, I never opened the Bible, what God has to say about being a parent was really different than what I experienced or what I heard.

So we're going to sort of do a top line picture of what that is, and then we're going to go on a journey together. And I will just tell you on the front end, you'll probably need some other parents and some other support to actually do what we're going to talk about, but if you do, God really does have a great plan for your kids. Key number one is that you must understand your child's two primary needs are for significance and security. The little human being, whether it's a brand new baby, a two year old, a 12 year old, a 22 year old, a 32 year old, I have learned they're still your kids, and they still have the same two needs, significance and security. Significance is, am I a somebody? Do I really matter? Security is am I safe and do I belong?

And so intrinsically, your children are always asking two questions. One, do you love me? Basically, by your body language, by your actions, by your words, by what you do, by what you don't do, do I belong? Do I matter? Am I valued? Am I wanted?

Am I accepted? Inside, they're always asking that question. The second question they're asking is where's the boundaries? And that's like who's in charge?

Is there someplace safe? The little hearts they have and the big hearts they have, you know, you tell any kid, here's the line, don't cross that line, what do you know in three minutes? Right? Because I've got it in me and you've got it in you. And what they need to know is there's boundaries and what that produces, those boundaries when you're consistent about, no, you can't have your own selfish way, produces security and safety and self-esteem. The perfect parent God, when he created us as his children, you'll notice in chapter one of Genesis, he said, you're significant. You're made in my image. Here's all that I have for you. I've created all this for you.

I'm going to walk in the garden with you. You matter, you're loved, accepted. And then in chapter two, he said, now here's the boundaries.

All of this is available, but don't go there. Significance, security. The second key to developing your child's full potential is you must recognize your child's primary responsibility is to learn obedience and just kind of lean back because there's a huge implication. That means your number one priority as a parent, your number one priority is to teach your child to obey. Your number one priority is not to make them successful.

Your number one priority is not to make them happy. Your number one priority is to teach them to obey you and then later obey God. There's only one verse in the Bible that I can find in all the New Testament that speaks directly to children.

I've put it in your notes. Listen carefully. This is what God says to your son or your daughter. Children, it is your Christian duty and underline this word to obey your parents.

Well, why? For this is the right thing to do. Then quoting one of the 10 commandments, respect your father and your mother is the first commandment that has a promise added to it. Notice why God wants your children to learn to obey you and ultimately learn to obey him.

So that all may go well with you and you may live long in the land. Obedience is the channel through which God's best plans get fulfilled for your son or your daughter. Definition I have of obedience here in your notes is obedience is teaching your child to come under the hearing of your voice.

That's different than they just need to do what's right because you said so. The word for obedience in the New Testament is a compound word. Hoopo that means to be under and Akuo that means to hear. You can see some Akuo guitars, right?

Acoustic guitars. And see what God really wants your children. Here's obedience. When you speak, not yell, not scream. When you speak and you tell your child do this or don't do that, they come under the hearing of your voice and they obey you not simply doing right but submitting to you out of a good attitude from the heart out of relationship.

The first time you tell them something. Now what I want to tell you is most of us parents don't take that very seriously. At least I didn't as an early parent. But I had an experience that changed my view of obedience.

To me it was like telling your kids to do this but down deep you don't really expect them to do it a lot of the time and then just sort of learn to live with it. Teresa and I were taking a walk with our family when they were small. My oldest sons were very small, about five years old. We're doing a little walking on the sidewalks and there's a driveway here and a driveway here and my one son was adventuresome so he would run ahead and hi hi and run ahead and you know that was okay. But as we were coming there were hedges and the hedges came like this and when you're five years old you're only this tall and the hedge was this high. And I would say to my son stop, stop and he would look at me and wave and just keep running. Has anyone had any of your kids do that?

Ever? Okay now here's the scary part because actually I think it's kind of cute. He's running pretty fast and as an old ex-jock say way to go son you know. But it's not funny at all because now I see a truck coming out of a driveway going about 30 miles an hour and picking up speed. Guess what? There's hedges, he can't see my little boy and so I say Eric stop and I'm just you know you see this coming?

This is a direct collision and he laughs at me and he runs and he runs across and that car goes by. And you know what I learned? I learned that I did not take teaching my son obedience.

He was not under the hearing of my voice and my lack of diligence almost cost him his life. Parents listen really carefully. If your son or daughter and by the way the earlier the better if they do not learn to come under the hearing of your voice and you are a parent that they can see how do you expect them to hear the voice of their Heavenly Father who they cannot see? Because they're going to be 14 years old and they're going to hear God's voice say don't get in that car and go with those kids and do that. You know that's wrong and someone is going to say to them you know something you ought to come to this party and you know what it doesn't hurt you to try this at least once and they're going to hear God's voice and they're either going to learn because of their practice with you to know the safest best most significant and fulfilling place to ever be is under the voice of obeying your mother or father and if they don't learn it from you the likelihood of them learning it from their Heavenly Father is very slim. So their number one job and it's hard I mean this is really hard and we've all we all struggle here okay. I remember when I was trying to learn this and it took such effort you know when you go to maybe some friend's house and you're all hanging out together and you know the kids especially when they're smaller you know like they just like they're ripping through the house and every toy in the house is out and things are a complete mess and this is how most of us do it you're with this other maybe couple and you say hey we really need to go and that means we're going to stop in the kitchen talk for a little bit more and then after you talk then we get near the door and talk a little bit more but you tell the kids right it's right this I've seen this so many times but now this is self-confession okay guys clean up those toys got to get to go right now and I mean you watch these two like five-year-olds they don't even budge I mean they don't even budge because our kids are way better students of us than we are of them and so then you move from the kitchen you get near the door and you really do need to go hey hey hey guys didn't I just tell you come on now let's go pick that stuff up these two five-year-olds are you know Legos are still putting together you know it's like you know if we could read their mind it's like this means absolutely nothing in a couple minutes we might have to go and then they hear this from one of us hey how didn't I tell you pick up those toys right now get those toys up you know I can't I'm embarrassed of these people right now and the kid calmly looks at his friend goes I think we're gonna go you know a different picture and it takes such time and such diligence but see that child has learned when you scream when you're upset when you act like that there's probably consequences so they need to respond the other option is you walk over to those kids that are three four five six seven depending on their personality and how off the charts they are and you get their little face can you look into their eyes Bobby Bobby yeah we're going to leave in two minutes you can play for one more minute and then you pick up your toys Bobby do you understand okay we're gonna be right there and I'm gonna tell you in one minute to pick up the toys got it yeah you walk over here hey we really need to go okay Bobby it's time pick them up right now and especially if your father you use your father voice the deep voice the deep voice that says to them this is not a warning this is not an option I mean it right now you're calm you're clothed you're in your right mind and if he doesn't move consequences happen rapidly and you know what that little boy and that little girl learns they learn that when you say going through the grocery store no we can't have that today they don't act like you know they're under have you seen this in the grocery stores right or you know you know like Target I gotta have these toys you know they're throwing them in the basket and parents are going I'm so embarrassed I guess I'll just buy it teach your kids to obey your voice calmly with consequences with rewards with love and with tenderness it's a hard job takes a lot of time most five-year-olds are running the world it's why McDonald's markets to them where we're gonna go to eat I don't want that why do they call it a happy meal right third you must remember that obedience is a developmental process now what I mean by this is that children don't just learn to obey just as they physically develop just as they mentally develop and just as they more developed you need to understand that they're involved in a process just like their seasons there's a way that a two-year-old a four-year-old an eight-year-old 11 year old a 13 year old a 15 year old and a 22 year old they think differently their bodies are different the hormones are different you need to understand that learning obedience is different at different stages but this is our number one job because obedience is the channel through which God's biggest and best plans for your child are delivered that it might be well with them notice the passage here although he was a son speaking of Jesus he learned obedience from what he suffered perfect deity but perfect humanity he went through the normal process Jesus had to learn to obey if Jesus had to learn to obey think about our kids and then notice the developmental process in Luke 2 52 Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God in favor with men wisdom intellectual development stature physical development favor with God spiritual development favor with men social development and so I put a little chart here you'll notice it says spiritual formation and mental development literally it's mental and moral development my background before I went to seminary was in education and in psychology kind of sports psychology and educational psychology and so how do kids learn and how do people learn and how do they grow and the little chart you see is from a fellow named Lawrence Kohlberg who made his life study to examine how do little children at various stages grow how do their minds work so that they learn both mentally and morally because what I would suggest is when you don't understand how God has made children we often do the very opposite of what they need and so notice the little chart here when a child is zero to about four or five years of age notice underneath they just think in concrete terms explanations about why and you know you shouldn't do that and say you're sorry because of this and you know these three passages and you know the thanks that sanctification process is about this and these four verses and this lecture they're four years old right wrong just information they just need to know the rules what's right what's wrong as they get beyond that into the 6 9 10 11 and by the way it's a very sliding scale because kids mature at different times mentally morally spiritually physically and then you want to tie obedience to the who relationship this is right this is wrong but it's about a love relationship I want you to do this out of respect for me I want you to treat your brother like this because you care for him when you disobey or when you lie to me 9 10 11 year old do you understand what it does to our relationship so obedience goes from simply what is right and what is wrong to who and so write that above that as they get older and for some as early as 11 for most people it's going to be in the early teens and so somewhere between 11 to 14 15 their developmental reasoning is happening and they can now think in more abstract ways and so now you want to begin to not just say this is right this is wrong and out of relationship the first is about the what the next is about the who this is about the why why can't I go with my friends to that movie why can't I do what everyone else is doing why do we as a family have to do this a very bad answer is because I said so that's why that frustrates kids they can reason now they understand this is the truth this is the what this is the who of the relationship with God and this is the why here's the damage it could do this is the problem that it would create and then finally when they get into somewhere between 16 to their very early twenties you really want them to have resolve and what I mean by that is you want them to make their own decisions and you go from sort of in the early days you're the commander right this is the way it is then you turn from the commander to the to the instructor okay I care about you and then you go from the instructor to the to the coach this is why and this is and then you literally in the later years you becoming a consultant and what you really want them to do is learn to make the right decisions for the right reason in relationship to God and you and other people and that creates a very very different approach this is outlined some of you are looking at me like wow these have huge implications these have huge implications we ended up putting this in a book form called effective parenting and a defective world where I develop it a lot more because here's our tendency here's what we do when you're a young parent you so want to do it right and you want your kids to turn out so right and we do things like this you know like a three-year-old and a four-year-old they're fighting or a five-year-old and we get them together now you too you need to say you're sorry you need to confess your sins have you met memorized first John 1-9 say say that to him if we confess our sins he's faithful and just to forgive us our sins okay then here's what and you know we have these long explanations they're four they're five years old or always say now do you have Jesus in your heart and the kid will say I don't think there's room there he's very big and you know we're all they can only thinking so we talk talk talk talk instead of behavior calmness reward consequences and then they get to be teenagers well we're still fearful but we're worn out you know and so they say you know I don't understand why you know the other kids and his dad's even and he goes to church too and they're seeing this movie and they're gonna have a stay overnight and his parents are at home but you should really trust me and I don't understand you know he's only been the juvenile detention once and you know he said he was sorry and why can't I go and your answer is because I said so and I'm the mom or I'm the dad and they slam the door and go to your room and you don't talk when they're small you're kind you're calm you're under control there's consequences there's behavior very short explanations the older they get and they have all those questions you say wow that is that is a great question you know what let's go grab a Coke or a cup of coffee let's talk about it and you say okay let's you know and this is where as a parent you say you know I've been reading in the Proverbs and the Proverbs in 1320 says that he who dwells with wise men will be wise but the companion of a fool will suffer harm and you know what you just hang around the wrong people this is always what happens and I love you and your mom loves you and we're for you and this is a boundary that I really can't budge on and I understand it but this is the why behind it now they may not go oh dad mom thanks so much I get it now and you're even read a verse from the Bible I just feel ooey gooey inside no no no no but what they'll be treated like as an adult and they'll have a reason and a why when they get a little bit older right and they want to do something and it's gray and down deep you know this is not the best thing okay this this is where you want to develop convictions and so often my kids you know there's there's 17 or late 16 17 and and they're saying I really want to do this and you're thinking I do not feel good about this I don't think it's a good idea but the worst that can happen is a fender bender you know what I mean by that I mean you know no one's gonna die probably it's not gonna be good and so instead of saying no I often when I got to hear because I want them to get resolved I'd say well you know what and then I remember when they start looking at me so what I want you to do is would you I want you to just pray about this for 24 48 hours what I mean whether I can go on this thing with this group and do that yeah I just want you to pray you ask God whether you think this is good and then let's get together in 24 48 hours and you tell me how God's leading you and why you think it's a good idea now at times they made the decision I didn't think was very good but they processed it they owned it they did it and sometimes when it wasn't very good guess what they got the consequences it wasn't very good and other times I was actually surprised when I put the ball in their court it was like no I know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah nah I'm not gonna go do you see when you want to develop obedience you need to understand the age of your child and the moral development because the goal the goals as they learn to obey from the heart you and even more importantly than God. Chip will be right back with his application for today quickly though the message you just heard is from his series effective parenting in a defective world you know raising kids is a challenge no doubt peers and the culture exert constant pressure on them and you in this series chip helps you see how God's principles for raising children still work today this series is packed with practical advice and gives you a larger vision for your child's future and sensible help for what you're facing right now for a limited time all the resources for effective parenting are discounted including the book and the small group video study check out the details at livingontheedge.org tap special offers on the app or give us a call at 888-333-6003 that's 888-333-6003. Thanks Dave I want to take just a minute and let's do a little thinking and coaching and you know we all have struggles as parents and I went through some material pretty quickly that I'm very familiar with my background was in educational psychology and my undergraduate and graduate work and for me it's very clear that there's these very specific stages of how the mind is made and developed and and when they're very young it's concrete and then there's preteens and teens and and later adults and and so what I think happens is we don't realize that our style of parenting and what we communicate it really has to change so literally you're the commander in charge in all those early years right I mean it's just yes no that's fire don't touch I mean you know you're just trying to lay down the bedrock rules of life that's all they can understand and so they don't need these long explanations but then you need to shift to an instructor and you're teaching them and then later you know before they get out of the house you want to move into that coaching and you want to give them more rope and you make decisions together I mean you're still the authority but you really want to equip them and then finally when you're in my stage of life and your kids are grown you're basically a consultant and you hope they ask for some thoughts but here's the thing I want you to get right now what season are you in with each of your children and what style are you using and if you're frustrated or if your child is frustrated I'm going to encourage you to think maybe I'm trying to be a commander to an 18 year old and it doesn't work or maybe I'm trying to be a a teacher and an instructor to a three year old and give him all these reasons that he or she can't understand so let's get your teaching style aligned with the season and the way that God has made your child you know I think about the great teaching that I got on parenting from some classic books and and from some professors and I just want to pause right now to realize in our world there's so much out there that says this is what a parent ought to do or should do or not do and I just want to thank those who have partnered with us financially that have allowed us to create the teaching not only on audio and video and small group and just pastors all over America will take these notes and teach it in their churches I just want to thank the people that have given financially so that we can create these resources it just serves people and helps them become the kind of parents that they need to be there are a few things better in our life that we get to do than to shape the future and the destiny of a child and when you give to Living on the Edge you have allowed us to create resources that caused that to happen in tens of thousands of families so thank you very much if that mission resonates with you we'd love to have you join us helping parents learn to lead in a way that honors God will change the world we live in now to give a gift or to set up a recurring donation call us at triple eight three three three six zero zero three tap the donate button or go to Living on the Edge dot org and let me thank you in advance for doing whatever God leads you to do as we wrap up I want to let you know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast here chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa echo and echo dot just say Alexa open Living on the Edge you'll hear that day's extended teaching anytime you want well for all of us here this is Dave Drewey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.