For decades, society has viewed a couple living together as a necessary step. almost like a form of relational insurance for marriage. I mean, doesn't it make sense to know someone's committed to you or that you're compatible on a sexual, emotional, and mental level?
Well, today on Living on the Edge, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, jumps into the contentious issue of cohabitation. highlights what God's Word says about this relevant topic. I'm Dave Druy and in just a minute we'll pick up in our series Uninvited Guests. as Chip continues to identify the dangerous lies couples believe that can slowly destroy their relationships. And before Chip gets going, let me encourage you to try using his message notes while you listen.
They contain his outline, scripture references, and some key fill-ins to help you remember what you hear. Download them under the Broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org. App Listeners tap Fill in Notes.
Well, if you're ready, here now is Chip with his message, why marriage still matters. You know, when we think of marriage, especially as Christians, we think about it as. the union of a man and a woman, the importance of what God has set up for us to thrive as a society. But there are sociologists and people all around the world now that are deeply, deeply concerned at the decline in marriages. Because when that institution is in decline, there is a domino effect that impacts society, economics, the health and welfare of children.
And this decline in marriage is a huge problem. Behind it is a lie. And this is a lie that's been spread all across the world that it really doesn't matter if you're married or not. In fact, in some places in Europe, Marriage has become passe. 60 to 80 percent of some populations don't get married at all.
They just live together, have children. and move forward. And you say, well, why are you talking about that if we're Christians and marriage means a lot to us? It's because a lot of this has really infiltrated the church. I can't tell you how many people I meet, often parents.
that talk about a conflict. And the conflict goes something like this. My daughter is getting married in a year. Her fiancé lives in another city and they've decided to move in together until they get married. And I'm really struggling with that.
I know it's wrong. I know God doesn't approve of it. She's a Christian. He's a Christian. They're planning on getting married.
And so the conversation goes: what do we do? Or I've met many, many, many people who We get in conversation. They've been in church for quite a while, and it becomes obvious that. They're not married. They're living together.
And they kind of look at you. And by the way, especially a younger generation. It's not like we're going to willfully not get married. It's they've grown up in another world. And here's the lie that they've heard.
The National Marriage Project lists the 10 most common lies about marriage. Number nine is this. Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without the piece of paper. You've heard that, right? I've heard that, hey, you love each other, you're committed to one another.
What's the big deal, Chip? Here's what their research. This isn't the Bible. Researchers at the National Marriage Project. have literally done the work.
This is their research. Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits in physical health. wealth and emotional well-being that marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due in part to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples and they're more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partners.
Some other research that I read earlier says that of people that cohabit. Ten years later. Only one out of ten. are still together. even among those who decide to marry at some point along the way.
Now, I think those statistics can be changed and are very different for people who come to know Jesus during that process or repent and realize, oh. Like Does it really matter? Is marriage that important?
Well, yeah, it really is. Cohabitation has deeply, deeply damaged not just marriage, but especially women. Men talk about, well, why should I get married? I can have sex anytime I want it. We share the expenses.
If it doesn't work out, we won't have to split things with a divorce. The people that pay the highest price for cohabitation. by and large are women.
Well, you know, we're talking about lies that we believe that destroy the lives of the ones that we love. This is number four. Marriage is merely a man-made set of rules and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however I want to. To fit my needs.
It's kind of the idea, I think, a bit of sort of the salad bar mentality. We want to be together. God's word says this about marriage. The culture says this. Why don't we just decide how we want it to work and we'll make up our own rules?
You know, that sounds kind of good on the outside. But fundamentally it doesn't work. I remember a young man that I had the privilege of leading to Christ. And as we were going on this journey together, and he said, I want to follow Jesus, but. I'm living with my girlfriend and I don't want to give her up.
And I said, why don't you marry her? He goes, well, I'm afraid to marry her. Who knows where that will go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I remember just looking at him and saying, I said, oh, well, I mean, if you want second-rate sex the rest of your life, go ahead. She went, what?
I said, yeah, second-rate sex, that's all you'll have. You can leave anytime. She can leave anytime. You're not committed to her. Sex is not simply about physical bodies or physical pleasure.
Sex is about the union of souls. God's goal for sex was the apex of communication. That's your heart and your mind, your emotions, that sense of being secure, that sense that we are one. The Bible talks about leaving and cleaving and becoming one flesh. When you're not married, when there's not a commitment?
It's just second-rate sex. And I'll never forget, I mean, we went on a journey, we studied the scriptures together. He determined he would marry her. It was a very small wedding. Teresa was the maid of honor, and they'd been living together some time, but their relationship so changed.
This lie, marriage is merely a man-made set of rules and restrictions. I can tailor my marriage however I want to fit my needs. Here's the truth. Marriage is an institution created by God. He designed it with specific guidelines and roles to provide spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy.
as a family's foundation. In fact, in some further research. This is a project. seeking to answer these three questions. What is marriage for?
What do we benefit from marriage with regard to marriage for the children and for adults? and how does it benefit society? It says, marriage is a universal institution. It performs a number of key functions in virtually every known society. Marriage organizes kinship, establishes family identities, it regulates sexual behavior, it attaches fathers to their offspring, it supports child rearing, it channels the flow of economic resources and mutual caregiving between generations, and it situates individuals within families, kin groups, and communities.
In other words, marriage is the glue of society and culture. He goes on to say, in our society, marriage is the central institution of the family. It establishes family households that are organized around the spousal couple and in many cases, their dependent children. The institution of marriage literally is the core. of what makes a society and a culture healthy.
And what we've seen, we have more. Children born out of wedlock than ever before. Those born out of wedlock are destined to lower education, lower self-image. far less safer environments. when you have people that aren't married and fathers disappear.
That relationship alone is the single most important predictor of people going to jail, juvenile delinquency, drug addiction, and crime. We can talk about all the different ways that we've pulled God's design apart, and there's always consequences. and the consequences are devastating. God caused the family to come together around the union of a man and a woman committed to one another, publicly declaring we're for one another. Here's the truth.
Marriage is an institution that God designed. And it really does matter. The passage is Genesis 2, 24 and 25. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife We're both naked and naked.
and we're not ashamed. That vulnerability wasn't simply physical. They were naked and unashamed. Down in your heart. And in my heart, and every single person that walks upon the earth.
We were made to belong. We were made to be loved. We were made to be able to pull back all the false pretense and all the different ways that we project that we're something that we aren't because we so want approval. and we want someone to know us fully as we really are. And then to look into their eyes and feel love.
and acceptance even though they see the good And they see the bad. and they even see the ugly. And they love us. They choose to love us, and because Christ lives in them, they love us the way Jesus loves us. That only happens when you know that person can't walk out the door tomorrow because.
they met someone else or because things are a little bit tough. Marriage is a vow. It's a commitment. before God and these witnesses. It is a vow.
It is a binding vow we make to another person. Often I hear him leaving out parts of that vowel. It's for better? Or worse. Richer or poorer.
Until when? till death do us part. You have to learn to keep your word. And I just want to encourage you, do not buy the lie. that you can make up your own style of marriage The cohabitation is the same thing.
And the reason isn't that God's approved. The reason is God wants you to flourish.
So hold to the standard. Be that man that leads. And that woman that leaves. And then cleave to one another, which means you make this other person your number one priority apart from God. As a man, you cherish your wife.
As a woman, you respect your husband. You say, we've gone from my way or your way, it's our way. It's looking at all of life through the we. What do we want to do? What are we called to do?
What are we going to do to face this challenge? How do we want to raise our children? Where do we want to work? What is God's plan for us as a couple? That's what marriage looks like.
And when you give that up for convenience or because you think you can come up with a better plan. The consequences are devastating. Don't Bye a lie. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And we'll get you back to today's message in just a minute.
But quickly, it should be clear from this new series how passionate we are about encouraging husbands and wives and empowering them to be God-honoring parents. And that's why we've also created a new engaging tool that couples can rely on every day to strengthen their relationship. Stick around after the teaching to learn how to get your hands on this resource. But for now, here again is Chip. Lie number four.
There's one for husbands and there's one for wives. They're very, very parallel. And this is one that Whether you're willing to admit it or not, we all believe this lie to some extent. Let's start with the husbands. This is what happens inside your head.
When as a husband, you're a little frustrated. For whatever reason. Your wife, from your perspective, is not coming through for you. From your perspective, this marriage isn't what it ought to be. Until my wife shows me the respect and the physical affection that I need, she shouldn't expect me to step up and lead my family God's way.
Hey man, you ever thought that? You know, she wants me to do this and be more involved with the kids and help with the homework and be a better leader and be a spiritual leader. And hey, I go to work and I provide a lot of finances. Here's the deal: when she starts stepping up and respects me, I can't even remember the last time we had sex. When she starts being that woman to me, then I'll start being that man that she needs.
Does any of that resonate with what's happened in the privacy of your mind, gentlemen. At the end of every one of these cards, I write. stop with a stop sign and then you turn the card over. And then you read the truth. And the truth is, it's tempting.
to wait for my wife to do her part. before I do mine. but the only person I can change is me. Transformation will occur when I focus on being the husband God wants me to be. And then I put a passage here that reminds you and reminds me of what Jesus has called us to be his husbands.
Ephesians 5, 25, Husbands, love your wives. How? Just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. How did Jesus love the church? He'd laid down his life.
And by the way, he laid down his life when he didn't feel like it. Remember? Father, if there's any way that we can go with a plan B, nevertheless, Not my will, but your will be done.
So that's our calling. This was the breakthrough moment in our marriage relationship. The first nine months was really, really hard. After a few months of bliss, very few. We relocated to Dallas, Texas.
I started seminary. I needed to work full time, go to school full time, because I really thought it was important for my wife to be home with our small children. They were about Five at the time. And so I was getting up super, super early and then I would go to school all day and then come home and eat, play with the kids a little bit, go to work from about 6 until 11, 30 or 12 at night. We're passing each other in the night.
I'm not getting much sleep. And I'm just busting it at both ends and um Little things became big things. And I felt she wasn't very sensitive and she felt I wasn't very sensitive. And all the parts that were so attractive to me that she's so organized was she's so rigid and I was so spontaneous and fun. And now I'm irresponsible.
And it just went from one thing to another. And we weren't yellers or screamers and we didn't throw stuff. When she got hurt, she would just shut down for two days and wouldn't talk to me. And when I got hurt, since I had lots of verses memorized, I would... I would not turn out the light when we went to bed and I would walk around the bed back and forth quoting verses, telling her, we can't go to sleep until we get this resolved.
I was making her crazy and she was making me crazy.
Okay, we'll go to counseling and we're listening to counseling and I'm hearing different things. And it was mildly helpful, but in my gut, it was like, well, okay. When she starts respecting me, And being affectionate, I'll start leading. And it was kind of like playing marital poker. And I had a stack of chips, and she had a stack of chips.
And it's like, you put your chips in the center of the table, and I'll put mine in. I mean, you do this for me, and I'll do that for you. And until you do, why should I put myself out there and get hurt one more time?
Well, she was thinking exactly the same thing. And driving home after marriage counseling, not saying anything to each other, which is really a great way to end those things. And something happened where I got thinking, No matter what I do, I can't change her. I was trying to manipulate her and get her to do this, get her to see that, say things in a way I would bring stuff up that we heard in counseling that really applied to her, that could help her be a better wife. And I remember this aha moment I realized.
This has gone nowhere. It's sure not fun. I don't like being married the way it is. The only person on the face of the earth I have power to change is me. And It was so hard and sobering.
And I kind of did an inventory and, you know, I had clearly listed all the issues she needed to change. and I had a very small list of mine. I'm just being honest. I thought she had a lot to change and I had a few things. I got my eyes off her long list, And I moved over to my short list.
And I said, before God, since I can't change her, I'm going to address these few little things that I think I need to change. And just in a moment of, I can be honest as I can, because I was so hurt and so angry. I was so mad at her. I didn't even want to change for her. I mean, is that ugly?
And so, in a moment of obedience, God, I'm going to deal with these things in my life. Coming home late, not being sensitive. I mean, I made my list. But I'm not even going to do them for her, but I'll do them for you. As an act of worship.
I'm going to treat her this way. As an act of worship, I'm going to sit down and do these things where I listen and don't fix things. As an act of worship, I'm just going to do it. That was a breakthrough.
Now a little bit later I would learn The psychologist would tell you every relationship has a set of systems. And when one part of the system changes, it usually brings some level of a chain reaction.
So when I started to change and got off of fixing her, and this is what she needed to do, and all I did is address my own, early on I thought, I've been really good for like three days. How come there's no change yet? And God said. Who are you doing this for? Oh yeah.
Lord If she never changes. I need to be this kind o' husband. and I made a vow to you. And I started down that path. And God little by little So changed my heart.
And I found out after a while that God let me know I didn't have a short list, I had quite a long list. I was arrogant. fearful. Had a lot of wounds from my past and I didn't understand her and I recognized that what I did is I judged her a lot because I had no idea how deeply she'd been wounded. And before we go too far with the husbands, ladies, lie number five is until my husband takes initiative in the financial, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our relationship, he shouldn't expect me to show him respect.
or the affection God calls me to as a wife. And the truth is It's tempting to wait for my husband to do his part before I do mine. but the only person I can change is me. Transformation will occur when I focus on being the wife. God wants me.
to be. Not on the husband he ought to be. The verse is Ephesians 5, 22 to 24. Submit yourselves to your own husbands. as you do to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which he is the saviour.
Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also Wives should submit to their husbands. in everything. And ladies, I can't speak for you, and I can't even speak to you the way I can. To husbands, all I can tell you was when the light came on with me, the light started to come on with her, and she began to say, I can't change chip. but I can let God change me.
And as she did that, something fundamentally happened in our relationship. We had incredible fights around me being late for dinner. because I was working, going to school full time, and I always had my clothes in the back of my car and a basketball. And if I would drive by an outdoor court and guys were playing, I would pull the car over, say, I got next, get on the court, play before I had to go home. It was my one little window.
And if you win, you stay on the court.
So sometimes we would win a lot of games.
So I came home late and she'd fixed a great supper and she felt like I didn't care. And so we would have an argument about it, wouldn't talk for two days, repeat cycle, repeat cycle, repeat cycle. I thought, how unreasonable can this woman be? I'm working full time. I go to school full time.
I play a little basketball and she goes berserk. And so I come home. I've done it yet again. I walk in the door. The children are nowhere to be found.
Candles are lit on the table. She's very calm. Hands are not on her hips. She goes, I put your food in the oven to keep it warm. She put it in front of me.
I'm thinking something's wrong here. This is a little scary. What's going on here? And then she sat very quietly. She goes, I just want to spend time with you as you eat.
Then she kinda let all the RPM's Wind Down. Then she said, Chip, could I tell you something?
Okay, here comes. I feel like it's a very good thing. feel like you don't love me. When I spend most of the day preparing a special meal because I love you so much. And you don't call.
And you don't show up. And I mean it was like she took a dagger and stuck it through my heart. She didn't fight, she didn't complain, she didn't use words to say I was not a good husband, on and on and on. We learned an I feel message to share your struggles or frustrations and anger in a way where you attack the issue instead of the person. I never made any correlation that me coming home late had anything to do with loving her.
If coming home on time means I love you, I can do that. Husbands, listen to me. Wives, listen to me right now. Would you be willing today to make a list of three or four things you know for sure that your husband or your wife really doesn't like that have been problems in your marriage? And could you choose today to stop focusing on what they need to do and ask God to help you focus on what you need to do and share it with someone of the same sex and say, would you help me on these things and ask God for help?
And I think you'll see a breakthrough in your marriage. And you will never. ever regret it. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to Chip's message, Why Marriage Still Matters, from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
Well, our Bible teacher Chip Ingram is here in studio to share something with all of you. Thanks, Dave. Have you ever tossed a rock in a pond and watched the ripples travel across the water?
Well, the same principle applies to committing to be a God-honoring family. When a couple loves God and are loyal to one another, You have the ability to create a godly home. and raise godly kids and grandkids. and it ripples for generation after generation. Strengthening families is our passion.
and I want you to know you are playing a vital role in making that happen at Living on the Edge. When you support us financially, you're investing in our work. to establish a legacy of Christ-centered families. You know, we can blame lots of other people and we can talk about the media or education. I've got news for you.
The research is crystal clear. It begins with the family. Your support financially at Living on the Edge will help us build families that raise kids and grandkids that walk with God. And right now during this series, those of you who choose to become monthly partners will receive the Marriage That Works truth cards as our way of saying thanks. Pray about partnering with us, and then follow God's lead.
Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, The Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingonTheEdge.org or by calling 888-333-6003.
Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate. Coming up on the next edition of Living on the Edge, we'll continue Chip Series Uninvited Guests.
So I hope you'll join us then. But until then, I'm Dave Druy, saying thanks for listening.
